Original subtitles

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Wonderful taste.

I bet you're wondering what this is, aren't you?

So am I.

I was in Scarborough last summer.

Anybody been to Scarborough?

Nice place, isn't it?

And I got there, you see, and I went to this big boarding house, because I was

trying to get in the hotel, but it was packed out, you know.

So, it was packed. I couldn't get in.

So, I went to this boarding house, and I knocked on the door, and the landlady

put her head out of the window. She said, what do you want?

I said, I want to stay here.

She said, you want to stay there? Shut the window.

And while I was up there, it was a lovely summer. It was very nice.

And a lovely season up there.

And I went out. I bought one of those, what do they call them? Skin diving

outfits. You know the thing.

Flippers and everything. Big tank on the back. You know the thing.

And you can dive under the water. You know what I mean? You can go right down.

So I went to the bay. I went to the bay, see?

All on my own.

And I went down, and I dived in, and I went right down to about 100 feet.

And it was lovely.

Really lovely.

And I'm going along like that, see?

Like that.

I've got the instructions here.

Like that, see?

Then I changed over. I went like that.

See?

Then I got rid of it. I went like that.

I was doing that.

Slow like that.

But I could please myself.

Look at that.

And all of a sudden, right in front of me, I looked like that.

See?

And I saw a man walking towards me.

On the bottom.

In a sports jacket, grey flannel, and a flat cap.

I said to myself, there was nobody else there, and I said to myself, I said to

myself, this is not right.

See? So I went towards him, like that.

See?

And I got right up to him, and I said to him, see?

I took this big slate out, you know what I mean?

And I wrote on there, what are you doing down here?

Walking about in a sports jacket and grey flannel and a flat cap.

And he took the pad from me and he wrote on there, I'm drowning.

Thank you.

Here's a little trick.

Bag there, look.

You've got a piece of rope, you cut the rope in half with a small pair of

scissors.

I placed one in there.

Two in there, undo.

Like that. And the pieces join together.

And now... Why,

why, what?

It's Diana Dawes. No, not Dawes. It's Dawes, plural.

Oh, yes, I can see you're actually quite right, yes.

Well, you see, at the moment, you came right in the middle of a joke. Yes, I

know, I was listening, and I recognised your voice.

Now, you're the terrible man who's been ringing me up, making dreadful

suggestions.

Don't be silly.

Me? I don't even know your phone number.

Oh, well, here it is, 2468002.

I've got a very bad throat, I have really.

I lost my voice completely today.

And I borrowed this throat tonight from the show.

The producer went mad.

He's still at the vet now.

I went to the doctor, he said, hold your breath.

I said, all right.

Just like that.

And he said to me, look, I'll look at the end of your throat.

He said, open your mouth. I went, like that.

See?

And he looked down and he said, oh yes, a little raw.

See? So I went, oh.

Oh! Just like that.

He said, look, I'll tell you what I do now.

He said, I'll test your ears. He said, because sometimes, when you've got a bad

throat, it can make you slightly deaf.

I said, all right. He said, I'm going to go to the side, over here, in the wall,

see? I'm going to whisper something to you, and if you hear me, repeat it. I

said, right. He said, I'm going to stand here.

And you stand over there.

Like that, see.

So he went over there like that.

And I was over here like that.

And then he went, how now, brown cow.

So I went, how now, brown cow.

And he said, pardon?

And he said, do you know something? He said, there's a scientific fact that

people with big mouths got very tiny brains.

See? And I was like that.

And he said, people with very small mouths got very big brains.

I said, oh, is that so? I didn't know that.

when I do this particular song, I have a troupe of boy singers and girl dancers

at the back of me, but unfortunately they couldn't be here tonight because

they've got the flu.

Luckily, Tommy has consented to do all the parts for me. Thank you, Tommy. Take

it away.

What, mate? I didn't say that.

Do all the four singers and all the girl dancers? The boy singers and the girl

dancers. All right, Bob,

hit it.

On a wonderful day like today, I defy any cloud to appear in the sky, any

raindrop to plop in my eye. On a wonderful day like today, on

a wonderful morning like this, when the sun is as bright as a yellow balloon,

even the sparrow...

Let me say furthermore, I'd adore everybody to come and dine. The

mine. I'll pay the bill. May I take this occasion to say that the whole...

the 20th century.

We now take a searching look at many different aspects of the law as seen

through the eyes of a great variety of people.

Hey, Bert, that borough boy over there hasn't got a license.

Move him on, will you?

Right.

Oi! Now, you listen to me.

Well, what do you want?

Can I have a banana?

Stand against the wall and don't move.

Stand against the wall and don't move.

Stand against the wall and don't move.

Well, it's cheaper than scaffolding.

Don't you agree?

My lad, I offer a plea of insanity.

Don't be absurd, Mr Cooper. You know perfectly well your client is not

He's not, but I am.

Now,

a search of Simpkins flat.

revealed a large number of bottles of stolen liquor, including five bottles of

scotch whiskey, five bottles of brandy, and 11 bottles of wine.

The clerk of the court, have you got all that down?

Everything's in the truck.

What is your name?

No questions.

I just want to hear him say it, that's all.

Now, how would you describe your condition at the time of your arrest?

Drunk as a judge.

You mean as drunk as a lord?

Yes, my lord.

Yes, I understand you've had a break -in, is that right?

That's right.

They came in and ransacked the whole place, they did. Turned the place upside

down. And not only that, they tied my wife up and put that gag in her mouth.

And when did all this take place, sir?

About three months ago.

And now it's interview time. And in our studio this evening, we're very

privileged to have with us one of the truly legendary figures of the American

West. Ladies and gentlemen, Chief Sipping Bull.

Yeah, right, and a war dance.

Good evening, sir. Good evening.

Good evening, chief.

That

means

good evening?

Yes.

So you can just imagine how expensive the telegrams are. Oh, yes. So that's

I always use smoke signals, you see. Oh, I see.

With the pipe. I see.

And when you smoke like that, that means words or something, does it? That all

means something. Oh, they're all words coming out. Really?

Oh, I beg your pardon. What's the matter?

I've just puffed a rude word.

So, first of all, tell us about your father.

Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hootcha, hootcha, hootcha.

Tell us about your father, sir. He was a very famous Indian brave, wasn't he?

Oh, yes, he was a very amazing man. Was he? He could shoot a deer at 50 yards.

Strong bow?

No, long arms.

The great Indian warrior Geronimo must have been a friend of yours.

I imagine you learned a lot from him. Oh, I certainly did. He taught me how to

imitate wild animals. Did he really? Oh, yes.

I say, would you do some for us now? Certainly. Please. Right.

A wild duck.

Now, another one.

A swallow. A swallow.

Just half.

What's that?

It's a man -eating wolf.

Now another one.

And what's that? A man -eating lion.

And what's that?

A man -eating soup.

How did you get all those wonderful impressions? I got a lot more, a lot

I got them all from Percy Edwards. You met him? No, I ate him.

Tell us about your archenemy, General Custer. Now, was he really the hero that

people would have us believe?

No, no, no. He's a coward.

Was he? We had a nickname for him. What was that? Cowardly, cowardly Custer.

But, of course, you were eventually defeated, weren't you? Why do you think

was? Well, because, don't forget the cavalry, they were lovely big horses,

chestnuts, you know, big things they were.

You should see my old name. I had bony knees, mosquito bites, bloodshot eyes,

messy hair, and that was the wife.

You should have seen the horse.

Of course, you did have a very famous war cry, didn't you? Oh, yeah. It was

that at the sound of it, it was just two words. And at the sound of those two

words, men would drop their arms and battles would stop there and then.

Now, tell us, what were those two words? Let's hear them.

We surrender!

We surrender!

Look! Surrender, surrender, surrender, surrender.

I was admiring your trousers, sir. They're high, aren't they? What? They're

high. What? High, high. The cow's outside.

Oh, bring her in, I must say.

You know, you're next to an idiot.

Yeah, well, move over a bit.

Please, tell us about your wife.

Well,

I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was looking after the kids.

I went up to her and I said, you are the most beautiful Indian maid. I bet you

said that to all the girls.

Yeah, the fellas didn't want to know.

And how did you court her?

Well, an old Indian custom.

Really? Yes, the scorn of the brave was to dive in the water, into the river,

kiss underneath, and then surface. How charming. And then you became engaged?

Yes, to a hennep.

Now tell us, sir, about the Battle of Little Bighorn. This was, of course, one

of the greatest events, really, in the history.

I'm sorry, I have to go. They're calling me for a powwow.

But what about our little chat?

Ah, I've had a little chat. I'm very fond of that. But I'd rather have a

now.

I'll let them know.

Don't!

Welcome to Roundup of the Week, a quick look at some news items you may have

missed in other television news programmes.

On Monday, our hidden cameras caught a sneak thief in action in North London.

A few miles away, in a North London back garden, this incident took place.

Now, look here. If you don't stop your dog chewing my roses, I'll call the

police. Oh, go away. If you don't, I'll set my husband on you.

He doesn't frighten me. I'm not afraid of your husband. I punch him right in

nose. I'll tell you that for a start. When I see him...

In

Brighton this week, an alert cameraman recorded this unforgettable moment.

The next day, in a shopping plaza in Wembley, we filmed this strange

Screamers there.

You've got a lucky face.

Last night, a new opera production opened in Bristol.

The demand for tickets was enormous.

I'm very sorry.

No more seats inside.

This morning, our cameraman recorded this priceless piece of film by the side

the Thames.

you over to a counting house somewhere in London.

of comedy about now in the show.

What do you have in mind?

Well, you know, nothing obvious, because really I'm sick to death of some of the

things that comedians do, you know, to try and get laughs. It's just

For instance, I mean, I've seen them do things, I've seen them do things like

this to get a laugh. Now, wait a minute.

I ask you, is that funny?

That's not funny. That's not funny.

That's not funny.

Now, is that funny?

No, that's not funny either. That's not funny.

Is that funny? No, that's not funny.

Is that funny?

No, that's not funny.

It's not funny, is it? It's not funny.

It's funny.

No!