Original subtitles

Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in a packed programme tonight, we shall find out what it's like to act as a

stand -in for Raquel Welch in a special interview with Jule Brunner and Telly

Savalas.

Then we'll hear the band of the royal cross -eyed goons who play the dance of

the sugarplum sailor, followed by what shall we do with the drunken fairy.

And we'll even be talking to a man who crossed a food mixer with a nymphomaniac

with a lisp and got a girl who'll whisk anything.

But first, first the news.

Uganda. At the state dinner to welcome the German delegation today, General

Armin ate a hamburger, two frankfurters and three young men from Heidelberg.

The government have at last announced their plans for shortening the dole

queues. They're asking the men to stand closer together.

Despite the strike of car delivery drivers at British Leyland, the

car rolled off the assembly lines at four o 'clock today and fell onto a heap

999 other cars.

Go on, clap if you want to.

In the surgical ward of a London hospital today, a man complained that he

given the kidney of a giraffe and the liver of a female baboon.

And for afters, he had prunes and custard.

The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a life

peerage. He'll be known as Lord of the Flies.

And now... And now a sketch.

about two workers in a ball -bearing factory in which I play a man who loses

bearings...

and

I play a man... who

loses his temper.

Yes. Well,

we'd like a meal, please.

Two, is it?

Yes, yes.

Have you booked?

Could we have a look at the menu, please?

I'm a bleeding man, you know.

Nice fork.

Oh, look.

The menu's shaped like a rook.

It's the name of the restaurant, isn't it?

Complete Rook.

Now, it's written sort of all different, isn't it? I don't know.

Sorry,

I'm talking to my friend.

Now, look.

There's rook patty here.

Rook patty. Do you recommend the rook patty?

Only when we've got a lot we want to get rid of.

Well, it's honest, at least.

What about soup of the day?

What is the soup of the day? Rook soup.

I expect it. I expect it's nicer than it sounds.

Bleeding, isn't it?

It sounds.

Have you ever had camel's liver marinated in rain for five days and then

strained to a balaclava helmet by a pregnant yak?

Yes, I think we had that in Morocco, didn't we?

Surely not, darling. I'm not being serious. We didn't have it in Morocco.

It was Tunis, wasn't it?

No, no. No, tell me, why do you ask? Well, a rook suit's worse than that.

Why did you recommend it? Well, it's going off.

Beating freezes on the blink again.

Look. I think the best idea is going to be to choose the main course, you know,

and then sort of build round it. Yes, good idea.

You know, then you know where you are.

Because you find that, um...

There's,

um... You see, there's, um... There's roast root.

Braised Rook.

Skinned Rook.

Stuffed Rook. What is this?

Drakonai Buiyara Moja Toulouse. Bored Rook.

Doesn't seem to be the sort of restaurant to come to if you don't like

Not the sort of restaurant to come to if you do like Rook.

Why is that?

We serve bloody awful tough old Rooks, that's why.

Full of lead shot, break your teeth on them terribly.

the chef has a magic touch with them.

Magic touch? Magic touch? What, a chef?

Don't make me laugh.

Too much of that. He's riffraff, he is. Too much of that. Too much of that.

Rubbish.

I'm the only bloke that keeps the tone of this place up.

Tell me, what is this? This fascinates me. Que de cornai nantua?

That's two rooks' tails stuffed in a shrimp sauce.

You must admit you haven't got a very varied menu.

Nothing to crow over.

I'm awfully sorry, but I read in the Reader's Diary, there's an article on

to relieve tense situations with humour.

Why don't you try it?

You're going to make your own minds up, aren't you?

I've got a lot of people waiting to serve you.

Why don't we start with the sweet and work backwards? That's better, I think.

Now, look, we've got ice cream there and ice cream there. Tell me, what kind of

ice cream is this?

Ripple and raspberry ripple.

I'm going to, I'm going to plump myself for the Rook cocktail, followed by roast

Rook with the Rook meringue.

So will I. Without reading time at all.

We could just walk out. Oh, I don't like doing that. It's a complete Rook. Well,

the name of the restaurant told us that. We can't sue them under the trade

description act. I mean, it's, we can't.

Sorry, Rook's off.

What? Rook's off.

Oh, right, we'll go somewhere else. Thank you very much for all the trouble.

We've already popped another little Chinese down the river. We've got a bit

stewed tortoise left, if you want to... Stewed tortoise? Well, why didn't you

say? We'll have stewed tortoise for two, lovely.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!

Two dinners.

Good evening, hello, Scotch way, and up your haggis.

I'm Scottish, by the way.

My name is Wee Willie McGobbles of the Clan McGobbles.

My grandfather was the McGobbles of McGobbles, especially after the

Now, I am the president of the Institute of Scottish Tourism, or PIST.

get to Bonny, Scotland?

Well, let's just take a wee look at the map here.

There you are, you see.

First is the old -fashioned scenic route over the braes of Altnysporran by way

of the quilter's kilt, the cows' boots, the piles of coot and the quarts of

milk.

The inner sculty, where old Angus MacFongus can be found, clashing his

tossing his caper and cocking his leekie.

at the elephant and hag us in with Inverness Leal and others of that ilk.

He'll row you across in his Gaelic skiff for the price of a packet of

cigarettes, £5 .73p.

Smokes balkan sobrani and buys them by the gross.

You'll be wanting to take the road to the isles. Now you go up by Bannockburn,

where in 1314 the patriot Robert the Bruce and his gallant clans routed the

treacherous, lecherous English rabble who were sent to pillage our native

homelands, the illiterate, drunken, murderous thugs.

You sure have a warm welcome there.

You're going to visit the Bannockburn? burn in, where you can stand with your

back to the fire and get your bannocks burned.

You drive on past the modern fields of Flodden to the sodden field of Culloden.

You'll find a souvenir shop you can buy Dr.

Hamish Kinley's book of Scottish portraits, known as Dr. Kinley's

There's the great Scottish chef Macaroni, who invented McTurtle soup.

There's the Celtic murderer Jock the Ripper.

And the famous fisherman Jock the Kipper.

And the smallest Scotsman that ever lived, Jock the Nipper.

Also the inventor of dentistry, Phil McCavity.

And that enigmatic lady from Dumfries, the Mona MacLisa.

Now, on the road to the Isles, if you drive round this 40 -mile -long stag's

block in the road here...

You can visit the birthplace of lovely Flora MacDonald, the flower of the

Hebrides, and the even lovelier Flora MacDougall, the self -raising flower.

So if you're looking for a tartan trousers, she's one.

I must warn you that once in a while, you will meet hostility from the

natives. Just because you're English blackheads.

Over seven centuries of care, nothing but Scotland has now plundered our

Scottish oil, leaving us moggish as a kilt guard around the English.

May they fester with boils in the nethermost regions of hell.

You'll never see Scotland in the World Cup after the bloody Sassanacs didn't

even reach the last 60.

Occasionally, when you ask for a wee dram of whisky, you may get given a

of Rory MacDonald's Revenge, which is one part of rancid haggis.

One part of distilled ptarmigan, which begins with a P, and you'd be advised to

do the same.

Finally, one part of stagnant bog water, strained in the tross box, which is

sorely painful.

And you may be asked to drink the health of the great Piper McGroon, who was

immortalised by the Jewish poet, Rabbi Burns.

Oh, shlick it to Piper McGroon.

We're here for the...

the scar of his pipe and the swell of his kilt, and the smell of his breath

knocks you down.

Well, that's Scotland for the new, the new, the new, the new.

And that is the end of the news.

Next week, my colleague, Evan Up, Seven Up Jenkins of Wales, will tell you how

the filthy English in Venus plundered and ravished this fair native sod, took

the women from his homestead, the cattle from his farmstead, and the knobs off

his bedstead.

The filthy Saturdays, yeah.

What are you doing the rest of

your life North and south

and east and west of your life

In the times of your days.

Let the reason.

Take a kiss.

The sordid affair of the clumsy drug which had led our two ill -fated

to Marseilles was drawing to a close.

The villains, one dead and one half -dead, were no

longer a problem.

All that remained now was to get hold of the formula. A difficult, dangerous,

but not unpleasant task, bearing in mind that it was written on a pair of

panties worn by the woman in the car ahead of them.

Tiggy was already bearing it in mind as they gave chase.

you got her. I got her.

Look, here they are.

There's the formula.

Then who... I'm terribly sorry, miss.

You see, I was looking for the formula.

His face kicked in. Where is she now then, locked in?

No need.

Poor kid.

She never stood a chance.

Why, what happened?

She hit me with a pillow and it burst.

The whole room was filled with feathers.

Feathers floating about everywhere.

Do you mean... She was tickled to death?

behind them the sleepless nightmare of the past few days, our heroes returned

London where a new chief of MI6, accompanied by the ever -faithful Miss

waited to greet them.

They're back, sir.

I'll show them in.

Oh, how do you do? P .G. Malone.

Charles Farley.

Ah. Hmm?

I'm R.

Oh? Where's Q?

They've gone sick. They've gone daft.

Anyone would go daft in this job.

Don't worry. Don't worry. Your worries are over. We have found the formula.

What formula? The clumsy drug. Look.

Oh, to hell with that.

He's out of date, old boy.

This is a new menace now.

I don't know where it's going to end. It's sweeping through the country.

politicians, TV personalities, anyone in the public eye.

I've been looking at these recordings.

Well, what's happened to all these people then? Look.

They're ahead of us.

final at Wembley next week, followed by the Rugby League Cup final the following

Saturday, and then a whole week of soccer with the International Football

Championship. That's it. Just before I go, by the way, one late football result

from Scotland, a 3 -5 -5 4 -4 -4.

That's it. More of us. Goodbye.

The same on BBC 2, too.

...and in some cases, loops.

For instance, the French Marigold will go from seed, and the seed's only in

March, otherwise, we get nowhere.

And the seedlings are flipped into boxes, gradually hardened off, and then

planted at the end of May, early June, when the fear of frost has gone.

Do you think they're all becoming invisible?

As soon as they appear on TV,

Wilson's gone, Callaghan's gone, Thorpe's gone.

Well, who's Prime Minister at the moment, then? Michael Parkinson.

Shaw Taylor disappeared a moment ago on Police 5. There's no trace of him.

Perhaps he was stolen.

Someone's putting something in the tea.

What? Everybody drinks tea when they go to a television studio, don't they? It's

the TV tea.

Someone's putting something in the television tea.

It's possible, I suppose.

What do you think, Joey?

It's the only answer.

Of course it is, but I mean, why?

What's the point?

I don't know.

Foolish, I suppose. Like the clumsy drug. How can you look foolish if you're

invisible?

That's the point.

It's got you there, Chief.

Well, feel foolish, then.

I grant you that.

Well, what do you want us to do then?

Well, start it once. Get out and about.

See if you can find a few new contacts.

Right.

Well, here we go again.

Games to play.

Greetings to my birthday boy.

You're 46 today.

Come in, come in. Ah, Arthur Jones.

Good morning. How are you? Sit down, sit down and hurry up. I've lots of work to

do. I'm sorry to disturb you, George. That's quite all right, old lad.

Now, now, come, come. Don't look so glum. I'm sure it's not that bad.

It's just that I've been thinking, and I've just come into state, we shouldn't

go on using rhymes on cars.

It's out of date.

What? Not use rhymes on birthday cards? Come, have you lost your mind?

Now, please don't waste my time, lad. You can see Miss Green's behind.

You see, you even speak in verse. It could destroy your health. This thing

gone from bad to worse. I'm doing it myself.

I say, now, now, there's no need to exaggerate, old chap.

I do not always speak in rhyme. That's just a load of rubbish.

without a rhyme.

No, no, out of the question.

Oh, well, I thought I'd mention it. It was only a suggestion.

And very welcome to, I'm sure. It's always nice to know that lads are

on the job. Ta -ta, mind how you go.

Well, strike a light of all the nerve.

I think it's a disgrace.

I know I'm new round here, but still I'd put him in his place.

Tell him to take a running jump, obnoxious little worm. Now, you be

you say. He owns the bleeding firm.

The old chair's a bit lumpy tonight.

I wish the producer wouldn't stand on it to clean the windows.

Now, I suppose you're thinking, why is a BBC television producer... producer?

Why is he called a producer?

Well, he isn't usually, but why is a BBC television producer standing on a chair

cleaning windows? Well, the answer is quite simple.

They won't buy him a ladder.

You see, it's all part of this ridiculous economy drive. And it is

When you think that at 5 .45 tonight, there nearly wasn't any BBC news because

Richard Baker couldn't borrow a Daily Mirror.

And that the canteen wasn't open today because, as an experiment, it is now

being run by the religious department.

And there was a hold -up with the loaves and fishes.

They really are cutting back round here. For instance, the head of the BBC.

Now, the head of the BBC. Now, the company have always supplied him with

very latest in luxury motor cars, you know. Really prestige vehicles, you

sort of thing. See -through windscreen and... ..revolving wheels.

Power -assisted ashtrays.

Peace -proof radiator.

Reclining hubcaps.

And do you know what he's got now?

A hoop.

It's a bit hard to believe, isn't it?

Do your best.

I actually think the shock of it all has been so much for him. Well, last night

I was leaving, and there he was, standing in the car park, crying his

I asked him, I said, what's the matter? He said, he said, some...

He said, then somebody's pinched my

hoop.

I said, well, don't worry.

Don't worry. I expect the police will find it in the morning. He said, yes,

that's all right, but how am I going to get home tonight?

Anyway, that needn't... I overdid that. I'm sorry.

Anyway, that needn't worry you.

It worries us, but it needn't worry you.

Here is a very funny story about two ladies who haven't seen each other for

years. And they happen to meet, you know, in the supermarket.

And one says to the other, how have things been with you? And the other one

says, couldn't be better.

Couldn't be better. I married a very rich man, she said, who thinks the world

me. She said, why, only last week he bought me a magnificent ring.

Enormous diamond, you know.

The star of gold is green, it's called.

By the way...

By the way, I think you'll like this joke because it is a rich joke, you

It's got a diamond ring, a yacht, and a holiday in Bermuda.

In fact, it only needs two birds and a buzzer and it could be the sale of the

century.

To be honest, I think, you know, when times are hard, you know, times are a

hard, people don't want to hear about poverty, do they? I mean, be honest.

Actually, I was going to tell you a story which began, there were these two

and outs.

And I thought, well, you know, most of the audience here tonight could take it

personally.

I'm only joking.

Sit down.

And eat the soup.

We're all having to make economies these days. I mean, yesterday I had to cancel

my wife's weekly visit to the beauty parlour, which is rather a pity because

she's been going there for the last six years.

and they've just started letting her leave by the front door.

I have never made any secret of the fact that I have known some very hard times,

ever since I was a child, when I was found on a doorstep.

Not really on a doorstep, because the door opened outwards.

I was found halfway across the road.

And pinned to my little coat was a note saying, keep your head down, the door

opens outwards.

Signed, Mummy.

It's a bit pathetic, isn't it, really?

You come to think of it, so is this joke. But I'm going to tell, anyway, I'm

going to tell it anyway. Where was I up to, by the way?

Oh, yes, that's right, I know.

One of the two ladies, one of the two ladies said, she said, my husband, she

said, bought me a wonderful diamond ring. That's where I got up to.

You know, the star of Goldersby.

He didn't laugh at it then. Why should he laugh at it now?

Give you a second chance.

He said, I bought a wonderful diamond ring, she said. And the other lady said,

that's nice.

And he said, and for my birthday, he bought me two priceless paintings by

Menuhin and Pablo Casals.

Oh, that's nice, the lady said. She said, I didn't know there were painters.

The other lady said, for our money, they paint.

Oh, that's...

Oh, that's nice, she said. And for our anniversary, bought me my own private

yacht. And the other lady said, oh, that's nice.

Then she said, my husband's very good to me, too, you know. She said, he

recently paid for me to do a wonderful course at a charm school.

So the first one said, and is it very beneficial to you? Have you benefited?

said, oh, yes, she said. Definitely.

So, for instance, I now learn to say, oh, that's nice, instead of, oh, you

bloody liar.

Luella Suohara is a gal who lives next door.

I've known her since times I was six and she was only four.

And now that we have both grown up, it's very plain to see. No matter how hard

she tries to grow, she's still two years younger than me.

When we was little scruffy kids out playing in my backyard, we didn't have

set because time was awful hard.

But when she tried to ask me around, her backyard is filled.

So we could play together, this is what I always said.

No, come around here, ask me out. I ain't coming out just to muck about.

You have to muck about in your own mind, dear, because I'm going to muck about

here. Trundling a truck about, waddling a duck about, I'm going to muck about

here.

Then 10 or 12 years later on, she grew up overnight.

Her legs got long and slender and her blouse got awful tight.

But when I asked her if she'd like to visit me next door, she only answered,

you're too late because now I know what for.

Oh, come around here asking me out. I ain't going out just to muck about. You

have to muck about here, oh my dear, because I'm going to muck about here.

I'm not struck about, can't run the muck about, don't give a buck about, folks

here round about, let them talk about, I'm just tucking out, I'm going to muck

about here.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Will you please welcome our

friends, the two prizes.

And you've got your high shoes, you feel fine.

And don't you let me out. Don't you let me out.

Don't you let me out.

And you shouldn't get all about it. If this is all you've got, then all night

through, it's just that you put your back out too.

I give her this and that, but she's got a taste for all the things that make her

fat. Oh, baby.

Every night she talks a lot.

We do the road, my rocket, cheese, rope, peppermint, rock.

I rock her to the left, I rock her to the right. She said I like a man who

to rock all night.

I took her to the sweet shop, I said it's all for you. She said I only like

rock when it's better right through.

I took her to the cafe for a fancy casserole. The only thing she fancied

legendary roll. I took her for a picnic. I took her for a stroll.

We sat amongst the rocks, but she wouldn't have a roll. Oh, baby, I'm a

Every night I'm going up.

We do the roll, my rock ain't cheap. Oh, definitely rock.

The man said to a barmaid, now mix me a drink. A cocktail made up of whatever

you think.

She mixed it, he drank it, and went right cross -eyed. And three hours

came to and cried.

I'd like to try another like the one I had before. I so enjoyed the last one

that I'm coming back for more.

The effect is not immediate, but it's worth waiting for.

So oblige me with another like the one I had before.

Only bigger.

A man sat in a drugstore and he called for the boss. He said, you gave me a pep

bill to give to my horse.

I put it on the shelf on the wall near my bed.

It fell into the coffee pot and I swallowed it instead.

I'd like to try another like the one I had before.

I so enjoyed the last one that I'm coming back for more.

The effect is not immediate, but it's worth waiting for.

So oblige me with another like the one I had before.

Only stronger.

A man said to a preacher, you recall yesterday, you married me, Mary, and I

had to pay. You charged us two dollars for plighting our troth. So I've come

round to say on behalf of us both.

Wait for it now.

We'd like to try to...

Like the one we had before We so enjoyed the last one That we're coming back for

more The effect is not immediate But it's worth waiting for So oblige us with

another Like the one we had before Yes, oblige us with another Like the one we

had before

That's all we have time for this series.

We'd like to thank our resident guests, Swingle 2.

And, of course, Michel Legrand.

In our next series, we're going to look at unusual dances, including the Gay

Gordons, the Nice Nigels, and the Queer Quistophers.

But here is the late news. We've just heard about the new tax form that the

Inland Revenue are bringing out next week. It only has three sections.

One, how much money did you make last year? Two, how much have you got left?

three, send it.

The divorce. The divorce was announced today of John Rupert Prendergast and

William Henry Smithers.

Breakdown of the marriage was due to incompatibility and a short -sighted

And Miss Gloria Clegg, who achieved fame last year by marrying in a wedding

dress made entirely of chewing gum, was finally separated from her husband last

week.

Said Mrs. Clegg, thank goodness for that. For the past three months, we've

in a very sticky position.

Well, that's all we've got time for this series, so it's goodbye from me. And

it's goodbye from him. Goodbye.