Original subtitles

Hello, and it's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

a tightly stuffed programme tonight, we go over to the House of Commons, where

the series of theft is still going on. We shall be talking to the Minister

without portfolio, the Minister without cycle clips, and the Minister without

trousers.

Then we offer our advice to the police in Battersea, who are searching for a

tall man with a hearing aid.

Why not use bloodhounds?

Then we discuss the crisis in Africa and ask the question, will General Armin

cut off our coconuts?

And in our series, Hints on London Transport, Raquel Welsh will be telling

where the 48 bus stops.

Somewhere out here, I think.

But we would like to apologise for yesterday's announcement concerning a

prisoner who escaped from a South African jail.

We should have said he was a trusty prisoner who escaped in the rand, not a

randy prisoner who escaped in a truss.

And we've just been handed an urgent warning about Tomlinson's tinned treacle

sponge, which has caused several people to be sent to hospital with badly

scalded feet.

It seems...

It seems people have misunderstood the instructions which read, before opening

the tin, stand in boiling water for 20 minutes.

But on a happier note, here is the wonderful weather forecast for tomorrow.

going to be 70 degrees everywhere.

20 in the morning, 30 at midday and 20 in the evening.

And I've got another urgent message.

Seems to be my night for urgent messages. Another urgent message. This

for three honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles.

Breakfast was served three days ago.

And now a sketch that features Ronnie Corbett, who has been described as

something between Edward Heath and Shirley Temple.

And I bet you didn't even know there was something between Edward Heath and

Shirley Temple.

Jolly attractive little place, isn't it?

Yes, absolutely.

Lovely, I know. It's the only absolutely pure Goloshnik restaurant here in

London. Oh, really?

Yes, yes. As I tell you, I have stumbled across it.

Last year, I had about four weeks off.

I thought, why not just bomb over the channel with the old gents over the

you know?

Follow one's nose and avoid the usual boring old places.

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

Some are... and Tashkent and so on.

And I found myself in this rather groovy place called Goloshnia.

And it's awfully nice because the people are so nice.

Leave

this

to me.

Hello. Good.

Good? Good, good.

Jolly good.

Now, what are you going to have?

Ah, now, I remember I had this. Now, in a little bistro on the Bloss Mountains,

and it was absolutely delicious.

Oh, well, yes. Yes, we'll try that, then. Then we'll have that, if we might,

start with. It's good.

And... Well, that's one way of looking at it, I suppose.

Oh, here we are. Now, I'll just ask about this. I can't really quite recall

The Oosh Belockie.

Oh, Oosh Belockie.

Remember now, thank you very much. It's awfully sweet, isn't it? Yes, it is in

fact some Oosh.

with a spot of bolocki.

Well, yes, I'll have that, then.

We'll have two ushbolockis, if we might. No, no, well, one ushbolocki.

And a note of ushbolocki.

Thank you.

Ushbolocki, two.

Two ushbolockis, two ushbolockis.

Ushbolocki.

Is it following?

Yes, we will be following.

Ah, for me, it's just... Got to be the Cramlock. Ah, Cramlock is custom, ma

They always kiss the girls when you order Cramlock. Cramlock again,

Oh, please.

Thank you.

I'll, uh, I'll actually have the poof gear.

You eat?

Yes, I eat. Yes, I eat indeed.

But I have no implements.

It's delicious, isn't it?

Yes, I like, I like, I like. Yes, awfully. I would actually like to go to

gents. Gents?

Toop gents? Toop gents? No, no.

No, no, I don't want to eat the gents.

I want to go to the smallest room.

Smallest room. Toop smallest room. Toop smallest room. Oh, now you've gone and

ordered something called a smallest room. Luckily, I didn't order the

room.

Biggest room. Toop biggest room. Toop biggest room.

No. I don't really think I want to eat here after all.

Well, I mean, didn't it? So frightfully grotty, isn't it?

Frightfully grotty?

You're a two -cap.

Two -cap, two -cap. No, no, no.

No, no, not two -cap. Well, she is two -cap, but not all that much. No, we want

to eat... Gertz. No, not Gertz.

No, we don't want Gertz. We want to eat elsewhere.

Elsewhere. Dope elsewhere.

I really can't stay here any longer. The smell is disgusting.

Disgusting? Disgusting?

It's a load of guttings.

Could we have the bill, please? The bill, the bill. Took the bill.

Took the bill.

But they changed ownership.

Never like this before. Used to be a rather simple family. The father did all

the cooking, the daughters waited on you. Seems to have gone all commercial.

don't understand.

Oh, this is...

This is beautiful.

This is the local musical instrument here. Yes, please, thank you, por favor.

I thought

you said you knew all about Goloshnia. Well, these

people, my dear, obviously don't come from the same part. I was north of the

during my stay.

These people, obviously, come from south of the Yob.

What do you mean? The southern yachts. That's what I mean.

Now... Now, what is... What is all this?

Top jets.

Top smallest room. Top biggest room.

Top cup.

Top jets.

Disgusting.

I'm not staying here any longer.

Well, obviously, my dear, they don't speak a word of English. They just slip

without paying. You slip out without paying?

Or alternatively, with paying.

£17 .50.

£17 .50? It's disgusting.

Absolutely monstrous. They're monstrous here, it's £18 .50.

Wait till I tell you, too.

There we are. Would you mind just... Well, you won't mind. Keep the change if

you want. Take it from us. I've got a wonderful idea. Why don't we go to that

rather charming little canooglic restaurant, how can?

Oh, look, why don't we just go to a Chinese restaurant across the road?

Chinese? I wouldn't go into one of these places, my dear.

You never know what you're eating.

I'll come this way.

Well, I don't know where he is, Harry. He should have been here about...

The car wouldn't start. Are we on? No, there's a breakdown in transmission.

Oh, thank God for that. What's happened?

Will you talk to Harry, quick?

What's all the panic about? The football match is recorded, isn't it? Yes, but

you're not, are you? You've got to do the commentary live, haven't you? Well,

I've done the commentary live before. What's all the fuss? Will you just talk

Harry? You're wasting time. All right, all right.

What's the matter, Harry?

Listen, listen. Listen, Ken, we're absolutely up the creek. I've dropped a

shelf of film and George ran over them with a trolley. I'm in a terrible state

up here.

You dropped the lot? What, you mean including the football match? Including

football match, yes. You'll just have to start the commentary and I'll try and

patch the film together as we go, you know. Come on, quickly, you're two

late now.

All right, then. All right, then. Well, run it, run it. Go on, then, run it.

Oh, dear.

And after that slight delay...

It's good evening from White Hart Lane for the inter -cup match between

Tottenham Hotspur and Wolverhampton Wanderers.

Ball's already in play just outside the halfway line. Spurs in possession there.

Naylor puts a long one out to Chivers on the left.

He's going on his own now. He's got a chance here. He's got one defender. And

he's going to shoot.

And he shoots. And it's fielded quite easily by Westbury on the boundary.

And here we come. Here comes Lilley just coming up to bowl now. That long, easy

stride. And he bowls. It's a good length ball. Oh, it's...

And it's on the green.

And the Gary player may easily pick up a birdie three here.

Now, it's Jack in the putt. Now, he's taking his time here. It's a longish one

now. And, oh, it looks very good, yes.

It's a very long ball, as you can see. But it looks good. It looks good. It

looks very good.

Oh, yes, and it's in. It's in. Not made it tremendously for the ball, but it

just slid past the crossbar. And the crowds are going mad. The toilet rolls

hurtling down now. And the crowd is absolutely, absolutely, absolutely

As the British girl dawned it.

She prepares to execute this very tricky backward two -and -a -half somersault

into the pool. And here she goes now.

Oh, and the legs around the neck. It's a beautiful cross buttock. Oh, now it's a

forearm smash.

Oh, and they're loving this. The crowd are loving this. They really are. And

he's going for him again. He's picking him up here. And here comes a terrible

right arm. That dreadful... That wonderful... That wonderful left arm

waving acknowledgement to this vast crowd attending a conference. And he's

on his back. Oh, he's flat on his back. And he's arguing now. He's having an...

He's arguing, Mr. Wilkins.

The meat of the opposition, who is still in the fight. And both men are really

going for each other now. They're really punishing each other. He's got him on

the ropes. He's going to throw him. Oh, and he's landed very heavily there. And

his ball is now over the centre pocket.

It's a dangerous position here.

You can see the concentration there on his face as he goes for the red. And the

cue ball is travelling up the table now, where Billie Jean King serves it.

It's two games all, second set, having won the first at 6 -3.

A wonderful, wonderful little woman, this Mithrid King.

Mithrid King, formerly known, of course, as the Queen.

Here we see her wearing those twilly -laced panties we've all become

so familiar with. And they're off! They're off! Oh, and the farmer boy has

into the lead. The number nine jacket's falling in behind them, Jackson III.

Yellow Sands is there and coming fast on the inside. He's number 40. No, he's

number 70.

Jack and Doris Watts.

Doris is dressed as a brilliant cerise with silver lamé on the bodice. Always a

joy to watch. Just going by at the back there is Myra Higgs. Myra was trained by

the great Peggy Spencer and ridden by Lester Peake.

Well, I'm afraid it's time to leave now the White City this afternoon, and it

looks as if Oxford will just manage to... Pip Cambridge and Billie Jean King

will go forward to meet the hoodie strangler in the flyweight contest on

Saturday. So this is Harold Wilson saying ta -ta and keep your nose clean.

night.

Me?

You sent for me, sir, your tea. Is it your tea you wanted? No, no, no, no, no,

no. Not the tea today. Not the tea today, Lynette. No, something quite

I want to talk to you about. Now, listen to me. Lynette, you have been serving

the tea here for years and years and years and years, haven't you? Yes. Now,

am head of the secret service.

I know that, sir. Who you know?

Yes, well, it's on your front door. Ah.

Comes the word, say nothing. Now, I want you to do me a bit of a favour.

What's that, sir? I want you to burn down the Kremlin for me.

In Moscow, sir? Unless you know of one nearer, yes.

Haven't you any spies, sir? Spies?

Well, how can I answer that? No, that's how I can answer that. No, we have no

spies. We used to have some spies, but they all seem a tiny bit dead, so of the

one man available, I have chosen you.

Yes. Now, I'm going to put you through a very intensive course of training,

because I want you to leave for Moscow very, very shortly.

In about six minutes.

What do we need for setting fire to a Kremlin, would you say? Well, we need

paraffin, you see, and we need some matches, don't we?

Matches. Oh, damn me, or you'll take my matches again.

Well, I suppose you can buy some matches, can't you? I've got some

You've got some? Oh, well done. Good show.

I've chosen the right chap. What?

A chap with matches. Right.

Goodbye, and have a good trip. Goodbye.

Oh, sorry.

How do I get to them?

Ah, he's got his wits about him. I entirely forgot. I'm awfully sorry. What

we're going to do is to drop you out of an aeroplane into Moscow.

You see? Now, Moscow is on the sea, so... No, no, no, it isn't. Oh, it isn't

the sea? No, it isn't on the sea. Oh, dear. Well, we'd better have a look at a

map, then.

Come over here. Come on, Lynette, you're in this. Come on, over here.

That's the idea. It's a two -shot guy. That's right, now.

Now, I'm sorry about this map being so old, but anyway, we start all over

You see? Now, we leave Londinium there, and we fly across Gord.

Just to the north of the Holy Roman Empire, you see, we drop you in it, you

We drop you in St. Petersburg, which, of course, we now call Moscow, you see.

Now, it is on the sea, do you see that?

No, no, no, that's Leningrad. Now, don't bring politics into this, did it?

You clear off, and off you go, and the best of luck, and none of your lip.

Right. Right?

Oh, sir, is that my passport?

Passport, yes, that's in the file.

Passport will be in the file.

File. F for file.

F. No, there's nothing in F. No. No, no. P. Look under P. P. What for? P for

passport. P for passport.

Good thinking.

There's a rabbit in there. What's that doing?

That shouldn't be under P. No, that's not. Wait a minute. Here we are.

Passport. Look at that. Over here with the passport.

Let's see. Now the passport.

Name upon it.

Dimitri Stepanopoulos.

That's a Greek passport. Oh, God, so it is. Yes, that's no good, is it?

Russian. Russian passport. There we are.

I say, the picture isn't really like you, is it? It's not awfully like you,

that, is it? No. Just a minute.

Ah,

yes, that's better.

There you are.

Oh, yes, that's much more like you. Screw your face up a bit, that's it. Can

see through those pants now, all right?

That's the idea, right.

Now, the next is unarmed combat, all right?

Unarmed combat.

Miss Laverne, please, unarmed combat, would you?

Yes, let's have you.

Right through the arm. Go on.

Oh!

How was that, sir?

Absolutely marvellous. He seems completely dead to me.

Now, Nick, you will need some equipment.

Equipment, now.

What is that? Do you know what that is?

Yes, that's a watch. Good.

Do you know how to use it?

Yes, you do, right?

Do you know what that is?

That's the watch again. Very good.

Now, I'm going to give you this watch. What do you say? Thank you. That's it.

Here is a pen that writes under curry.

Here's a plate of curry to write under.

You'd better take that as well. What's that for, sir? Luck.

Oh, by the way, you'd better take a palafino. Don't forget that.

Oh, by the way, what happens if I get killed? Oh, don't worry. Mrs. Simpkins

make the tea.

Thank you.

Our guest for this evening, Clodagh Rogers.

I

used

to think that when you fell in love...

never change but it's different now

and to those who've never been in love

this may seem very strange but it's so different

now I used to

Never fade away.

But it's different now.

It changes every day.

I used to look at you and tell myself.

I wonder.

But to me, you're much more wonderful.

Wonderful by far.

Yes, you're so different now.

There's more to love.

And the downs we've had, but it's different now.

And I'm so glad I still...

you look at me and we're so different now

love gets better every day

The difference.

you'd never believe it to look at that lovely young lady that she is actually

one of the survivors from the Duke of Clarence Darts Club annual outing.

Now apparently they went to one of those on one of those ridiculous cheap

cruises you know the sort of thing bring sandwiches to Bermuda or row with us to

the Greek islands round the world and back for a fiver.

And believe you me you have to be very careful with these cheap cruises.

There was a case recently of a chap who signed up for a cruise in the Queen

Mary, and they put him in the annex, which was six weeks on a dredger off

Lodestop.

Now, you may find that hard to believe, but as my old grandmother always used to

say, stranger things happen at sea.

That's what she always said.

Stranger things happen at sea.

As a matter of fact, she never said anything else.

We took her to the doctor about it, and he said, I think her needle's stuck.

And he gave her a whack with an ashtray.

Which had no effect at all, except that she gave up smoking.

And actually, that little anecdote has a rather interesting sequel.

Which is just as well, really.

Because on its own, it's hardly worth telling.

And the sequel is that years later, my Uncle Spyro was lost at sea.

was lost at sea under very unusual circumstances.

He went up the mast to look for land, and when he came down, the ship had

Now, I expect quite a number of you are surprised to notice that I have this

remarkable familiarity with such seafaring expressions as mast,

and ship, and wave.

But as anyone will know who has been following the sensational serialization

my life story in the Tristan da Cunha Express, I did

actually start in show business as a ship's entertainer on one of the first

economy cruise ships.

And when you talk about economy cruises, believe me, you couldn't get any

cheaper than the old Shepherd's Bush Castle.

Just think of it. London, Tilbury, Gravesend.

and three days in Tibet for a book of Green Shield stamps.

Now, most comedians, which is what I am, I say that in case there are any

foreign visitors looking in, they might think I'm a glove puppet.

Now, most comedians, when they talk about cheap cruises, say ridiculous

like, we went in for the ship's raffle and we won a seat in a lifeboat.

But I can't say that.

I can't say that because, well, apart from the fact that I can't say it, we

never had any lifeboats.

No, it's true.

I mean, in rough weather, you couldn't book a seat on a piece of driftwood.

And in cases of emergency, we all used to assemble on deck and sing Abide With

Me.

And those in peril on the deep.

While the captain, you could tell he was a real old sea dog, used to put his leg

up anywhere.

tell jokes through the loud hailer.

And if I may be confidential for a moment, that's what I like about this

really. You can say anything here in the studio, knowing it won't go any

further.

Good God, success isn't everything, is it?

Where was I? Oh, yes.

He did confide in me, the captain was, that it was actually his ship, not an

iceberg, that sank the Titanic.

But he never said anything at the time because he didn't want to lose his no

-claims bonus.

By the way, an interesting thing happened on the cruise.

In the evening, to while away the time, we all used to play parlour games.

Incidentally, by the way, if any of you at home have heard this story, you know,

before, and you'd like to join in while I tell it, by all means, that'll be

wonderful. We'll call it Joke Along Wrong.

In the evening, to wire away the time, we always used to play parlour games. We

always used to write out a subject on a little bit of paper, you see, put the

paper in the hat, pass the hat round, and we each picked out a subject, and we

had to talk about it, you see, for five minutes, and the best speech won.

Now, on this cruise, there was a little fellow, a little henpecked solo man,

horn -rimmed spectacles, bowler hat.

A bit like me, really.

A bit of a flower grader.

This particular night, his wife was a little bit tired, so she went to bed

and allowed him to stay down and play the game. You see, well, the hat was

passed around, he puts his hand in, picks out his subject, and he's got to

for five minutes on the subject of sex and the birds and the bees.

Does a wonderful job of speech, wins the prize, and after the game's over, goes

back to the cabin. You see, and his wife's in there, still awake, reading

Woman's Own.

She's got her curlers in and her teeth out.

She said, how did you get on? He said, fine, fine. She said, what did you speak

about? He said, pardon? She said, you heard me the first time. What did you

speak about?

He said, I spoke about yachting and sailing.

Yachting and sailing. She said, yes, he said yachting and sailing.

Closed his eyes and went to sleep. He said, well, the next day his wife was

walking along the deck and she bumps into one of the other passengers, a

of hers. She said, oh, this friend said, you missed yourself last night. You

should have come to the game. What a game we had, she said.

What a speech your husband made, she said.

By Jove, he certainly seems to know his subject.

Well, I can't think why.

He's only done it twice.

She said the first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Short and Fat Minstrel

Show!

We're short and fat, but don't stop us singing all the songs we're bringing to

you.

Upon the Swanee River I met Kate McGuire

Two onions and a pound of liver That's how

she won my desire She knew just how to cook my

dinner Oh, hush my mouth No

chance of ever getting

Down in the deep fried south.

All the steaks were rich and fatty.

All the beans were tin.

That's why my heart is burning ever.

That's why I'm gone with the wind.

What did I see?

Standing on the seafront at Froome A girl with

a bust that measured 53 Looked like St. Peter's in

Rome Her name was Harriet

A stripper at...

date had let her down. She got so tired of waiting around.

She said, if I ain't in bed by ten, I'm going back home again.

Give me that corn and I don't care. Give me that corn and I don't care. It ain't

no worse than you hear elsewhere. That's about all you can say.

A man and a bank floor lady stopped and tucked some cash in her stocking top.

He said, my, my, what a large amount.

I'd like To open a joint, a gap.

Oh, Mr. Corbett.

Yes, Mr. Barker.

Have you heard that there's a rumor going around?

You've not had a pint of beer since that dreadful day last year when you fell

into your glass and nearly drowned.

Oh, Mr. Barker. Oh, Mr.

Corbett.

I'll admit I'm not exactly six foot three. You look pretty good to me. But

better known than you. I'll be in the next who's who. As an actor, Mr.

Corbett? As the bookmark, Mr. B.

Oh, Raquel Welch, I love your left doodah, doodah. I sit and think of

left doodah all the day. Is it bigger than the right?

It's very hard to say. But that's the one that'll get my vote on National

Day.

Who's horrible, deplorable, that's Annabelle Lee.

Unbettable, drop -deadable, that's Annabelle Lee.

Does she look like a film star? Oh, yes, she does.

When she goes out, the people shout, that's Christopher Lee.

I dream of Jeannie with the bright pink hair.

She's had it dyed to match her underwear.

I dream of Mary with the big red

nose. Wonder if she wears red flannel

underclothes.

I dream of purple ones, those pretty ones of heathers. Then I dream of Polly,

who covers hers with feathers.

I dream of Daisy May, who works at

the Vickers.

Daisy drives me crazy without

any...

trouble.

Oh, I'm in love with Abigail and the shape is most unusual.

She's put the whole lot up for sale and I've got first refusal.

Oh, my sister met a Yankee man at the Salvation Army one day. She put down a

tambourine and she went off to get some green for a bit of Yankee doodle in the

hay. There they were.

through the town, they should all be here and say, because my little sister

will be carrying the banner, because she finds the seeds in everybody's way.

Now, my little sister Polly, she is really very jolly. She went out and

dog the other day.

It's a poodle that is woolly, and she pulls it on a pulley, singing, Polly,

woolly poodle all the day.

People talking to the parlors, you see, Polly, woolly poodle, with a poodle

chicken noodle on a tray, saying, Polly, dear, this poodle, please, you're a

pretty little poodle. She was popular with people right away.

Sad to say, came the day, Polly's reputation fell completely flat.

When the partner and his daughter sang the parting of the waters, Polly's

did a puddle on the mat.

Ronnie, how I envy, how I envy, dear little Ronnie.

I'd give the world to be just like John R .C.

Six on four and five for three, but mammy's waiting for me, cooking for me,

spuds and spaghetti.

You'll find the jokes ain't funding no more when you're stuck in the pantry

door.

Ronnie, how I am me, how I am me, dear big fat Ronnie.

If only, if only I had grown.

I'd be so full blown.

Eighteen stone of skin and born as fat.

Let's keep the cozy warm and rosy. When nights are chilly, I'd be a great...

The folks at home will be so glad to know we're working at the BBC.

And we can tell a lousy from back on the telly. So once again.

Well, that's all we have time for in this series.

We'd like to thank all those people who we couldn't quite fit into the show,

like the out -of -work contortionist in Redford who says he can no longer make

ends meet.

Yes, and we had hoped to interview a famous Scottish millionaire who keeps

his money under his mattress, but this morning he was badly injured when he

80 feet from his bed to the floor.

And we haven't even got time to talk to the famous heiress who ran away with the

milkman, was gone three months, and came back three months gone.

But here's the late news. A man was charged at Bow Street today with

behaviour in certain London streets.

He went to Pudding Lane and made a pudding for himself.

He went to Gooseberry Lane and made a fool of himself.

Then he went to Exhibition Road and got himself arrested.

And in the divorce court today, a man claimed that his wife's mother kept on

shouting at him that he was driving too fast along the M1. And to make matters

worse, she swore at him while he was untying her from the roof rack.

So it's goodbye from me. And it's goodbye from him. Goodbye. Goodbye.