Original subtitles

Good evening, it's wonderful to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.

And on the programme tonight, our legal department will be discussing paternity

suits and asking, can you hire them from Mossbroth?

We'll also be trying to answer the question that people ask themselves more

any other, why do I talk to myself?

But first, the news.

At London Zoo, two giant half -ton hippopotami mated for the first time in

captivity.

For the second time outside the remains of their cage and for the third and

fourth time halfway down the high street.

There were complaints today at Wells Cathedral where the National Association

Squatters had their first annual service.

As soon as the bishop gave his address, 15 of them moved into it.

In the divorce court today, a husband claimed he had seen the milkman put his

arm round his wife three times.

Dismissing the case, the judge said, no milkman has an arm that long.

Which reminds me that at Purbright police station today, a woman claimed

squad of cavalrymen from the light brigade crept up to her house and

her. When asked if she would prefer charges, she said, yes, I would. It

noisy, but either get here, please.

Uganda. General Armin had a nasty accident today. He fell into a vat of

peroxide.

His condition is described as fair.

And in fact, General Armin has been buying up more BBC programmes to adapt

the wide open plains of Uganda, including Softly Softly Tuskforth, It's

Blackanory,

Bananarama, and the film The Last Mango in Paris.

In the sketch that follows, David and Goliath, I shall, of course, play the

of Goliath, whilst I, in all modesty, will play the stone.

All right, Miss Sherman, you just tell him that psychiatrists have to eat like

anybody else.

If he doesn't pay his bill, tell him I'll let him go mad.

in here all the time with their... Good evening. Oh, good evening.

Somebody's told me to come on in. Quite right. You haven't been here before,

have you? No.

Good, fine. I'm Dr Gilbert. Ah, how do you do?

My name is Carrot.

Carrot, right.

Excuse me. Now then, before we start, are you a bed wetter? What? Are you a

wetter? Bed wetter? Well, well, well, I... Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll lie on the couch, you sit in the chair. Better be safe.

under the impression you're Michael Parkinson, are you? What?

You're not under the impression you're Michael Parkinson. Oh, no, no. No, no,

because I've got five of him already, you see.

It's very difficult to keep their appointments apart, you know, coming in

with their long hair and asking stupid questions.

Still, I suppose if you're mad, you're... And why Michael Parkinson, eh?

don't know.

Never mind.

Carrot. That's it, isn't it?

Possible.

I want you to say the first thing that comes into your head, speak about

anything you like, comes into your mind, no matter how private or personal.

And I don't want you to worry. If you're completely at your ease, say anything

you like, because, as you know, in between these three walls, there will

be stricted confidence.

All right?

Yeah. By the way, I must tell you about the chap who was in here this morning.

Oh, my God. You've already known. Tony Sullivan, his name is. Big nose. Works

around the bank there. Around the bank.

Do you know him? No, you probably don't. Anyway, he spent his lunch hour sitting

on top of the bureau there. Yeah, he said the bogies were after him. A right

twit, he looked.

I took some photographs. I was on the Polaroids. I got them here. Oh, no, I

them up at the golf club. I was showing the chaps in the golf club. Thanks.

Oh, dear. What was I saying?

Um, strictness of confidence. Oh, yes, yes.

So you can feel absolutely at your ease at all times. You understand?

Yes. Right, now, what are the problems, then?

Well, I, um...

Good God, is that the time? Oh, my God. Sorry, carry on, carry on.

Well, I just find it very difficult to actually make sort of contact with

when I, I mean socially, when I meet people, I seem to be able to, I seem to

quite mischievous.

Oh,

bloody watch. What's the matter with it?

Sorry, carry on. Do carry on. Just try and relax, won't you?

When I actually meet people... Yes, hello.

Mr. Bittle comes here, sir.

He's in a bit of a state, and he's wondering if you can see him at six.

No, I can't see him at six or at any other time. Tell him to go to hell.

I wouldn't mind reporting to the police.

Damn people, it's disgusting the way they come in here, groveling for

damn good thrashing, that's what they need.

Sorry I interrupted you.

Well, I...

I was... What was that? I was... Well, come on, come on, then. Come on, then.

Sorry. Well, I find that socially, when I... And even really business -wise...

Oh, God. Don't beat about the bush, old chap.

Spit it out. All right, then. When I meet people socially and at business, as

say, and they say to me, good morning, Mr. Carrick, I never feel absolutely

sure... ...to

be able to assert my... Oh, what are you muttering on

about?

word you're saying, you know. You're all tensed up like the rest of the nuts

that come in here.

It's no fun, you know, lying on that couch for eight hours a day listening to

this loony sort of drivel.

It's so boring, for one thing. My God, it's boring. Would you mind, just for

once and for all, for God's sake, coming straight out with it and telling me

what's the matter with you?

Well, I think I'm a rabbit.

You stupid loony.

Of course you're not a rabbit.

Pull yourself together, man.

You're not a rabbit. If you were a rabbit, you'd have long ears, wouldn't

They must have fallen off.

Of course they haven't fallen off, you loony. Listen, if you say you're a

once more, I'm going to thump you right in the face. Now, what are you?

I'm a... I'm a dog.

Now,

we'll take you from there next week. All right.

Send the next one in, please, Mick Sharma, would you? Thank you.

Good evening, or if you live on the Great Barrier Reef, good middle of the

night. And welcome to Consumer's Corner. Last week, we tested 12 different kinds

of glue.

I said that Boppo glue was best, and I'm sticking to it.

Now, certain people have bandied it about that I favour Boppo products

I'm paid by them. What rubbish.

People like that ought to be boiled in oil. And I recommend Boppo oil.

Let's start this week with cornflakes. Now, here is the boffo pack.

And here you see another make.

There we are. As you see, boffo is much bigger.

Doesn't this make it heavy to carry, I hear some idiot ask? Well, boffo thought

of that, and so it's three quarters empty.

Then why not a smaller pack?

Boffo thought of that too, and here it is inside the larger pack.

And just look at the cornflakes.

And you get two of those.

It is but a short step from cornflakes to transistor radios for the pocket.

two new makes this week. This one, one Japanese.

And the other is this one.

And it's British.

This is the one for my money. Who could lose that?

Let's see who makes it.

What a coincidence.

Boffo makes the world's largest miniature radio. And another selling

You can hardly hear it, so no complaints for the neighbours.

Now, there's no bias on my tests of food stuff. For instance, every fur must

list the contents on the package.

Let's take one at random. What's this one here?

Mmm, boffo beef risotto. Mmm, sounds good.

contains a beef substitute, vegetable substitute, rice substitute, edible

spices, inedible spices, monostodium glutamate substitute, and a rusty nail.

Well, you can't, you can't, ah, there it is, yes. You can't say much fairer than

that, can you?

Unless, of course, you dye your hair with boffalene hair dye or use boffo

restorer. Now, this coconut was completely bald until I applied...

you've guessed it, I applied Boppo Hair Restorer.

Whereas a billiard ball treated with another well -known hair restorer failed

grow any hair at all.

Well, only a little bit anyway.

So much for foodstuffs. I now propose to move on to medicine.

I hear you ask, but what about coffee and biscuits and peas?

To which I reply, would you mind waiting till the end of the program?

Now, pills.

Pills. Let us consider safety.

Here, on the middle shelf here, we have Dr.

Whizzer's emetic super laxative pills.

Up there, Boffo anti -flatulence pills on the top, and most dangerous of all,

down here, Nurse Goodall's cold cream for pimples on the bottom.

So, being on the top shelf, well out of reach of the children, Boffo's anti -

anti -flagellants pills are the safest.

No need for parents to get the wind up. School children cannot get at them.

Right. Next.

powders. Earlier today, I washed two identical shirts, one with boffo blue,

secret ingredient, and one with a cheese grater.

Here is the shirt. Here is the shirt washed with the cheese grater.

But here, on the other hand, is the shirt washed with boffo.

Three shades whiter. Look at that, Jim. And don't forget, don't forget, every

boffo packet of everything...

There is a government health warning. It reads, you have been warned, if you

know what's good for your health, get rid of the government.

And finally, best news of all, this week, every single Boffo product costs

less. 45 % less than what?

45 % less than it will cost next week.

So remember, if you want a goodbye, buy Boffo.

Good evening, sir. Good evening. Mr. Tinkle. Yeah.

George Arthur William Tinkle.

Yeah.

Inspector Hornley.

Oh. This is Detective Sergeant Miller. Sir.

Woman Police Constable Savage.

Good evening, sir. Constable Gutteridge.

Evening, sir.

Now then, sir. Yes.

This is Constable Dog Handler Verity here.

Police Dog Rex here.

This is my wife.

That's a friend of Len's.

This is Joan, who goes to keep fit with my wife on Thursdays.

And this is the gentleman who voted Liberal at the last election.

Now then, sir, I think you know why we're all here.

No.

Well, there's been a power cut in our district and our tellies aren't working.

Come here, what's yours?

On BBC One at the moment, we have Cricket from Lorde, and on BBC Two,

Yes, thank you very much indeed. That's very good. Very good audition indeed.

Thank you very much. If you just wait over there. That's it. Sit over there.

Just one more person, please.

Mr.

Goblet, please.

Thank you, Mr. Goblet. If you just sit down there and read that.

All right?

In your own time, yes?

All right.

a BBC spokesman that they had both had a... Page

two. Page two. Oh, it doesn't matter. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry, that they both had an arrow... Sorry,

sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes. That they both had...

and were glad to be the princes and income board.

Sorry. I'm sorry about that. Sorry, wait a minute. Sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry about

this.

The ices and princum board

issued a statement earlier this welk and it's... Sorry

about this. Sorry about this.

Earlier this welk and said that...

Oh, I'm sorry. About the fish.

And... Oh, I'm sorry. That was very nice, very nice. Excellent. Thank you

much. Well, normally I'm very good at reading, but I just seem to be a little

bit sort of nervous. And I think it's the lights, you know.

I've got a little catch in the throat here. But I'm feeling a little more

confident now. I think I'll just try it again. Well, no, there's no need. You're

not quite what we're... Just let me read it once more, because I think this bit

down here is... There we are.

Building costs.

And you... Sorry, wait a minute. I know the very thing.

A new crisis moves building costs and the soaring interest rates make

it impossible to conform to the government's con -yardstick limits.

Yes, well, thank you very much indeed. That was fine. Thank you very much, yes.

Is that all right? Yes, that was fine. Yes, there was one or two things that

weren't quite right, but otherwise it was marvellous. I mean, you were

marvellous. Yes, I made a bit of a mess of the first two things. No, no, no, you

didn't. I think I'm in my stride now, you know. I think I'm feeling...

You know, do it now. Let me just try. No, no, look, old man, come on. And now,

there's a choice of viewing.

On BBC One, we have Ricketts from Lords.

Another programme which is... Is that all right? Yes, that's fine. Thank you

very much. That's really lovely. Thank you. There was nothing wrong with that,

was there? No, no, that was absolutely marvellous. I was just having a chat

the chaps on the cans upstairs, you see, and we all agreed that it was

absolutely marvellous from your point of view. Yes. I made a couple of slips.

No, no, no. That was fine. Is it the voice? No, no, the voice is absolutely

fine. Is it these, the glasses? No, no, I didn't even notice them. No, no,

they're fine. Well, what is the trouble?

Well, actually, the trouble is... Well, you are a wee bit too tall.

A wee bit too tall, you see. Really, funny enough, I always thought I was on

short side. Oh, no, no, no.

Compared with the announcers we get here, they're all very handsome and

you are.

There's nothing I said, then. No, no, no, absolutely. Just a little bit too

tall. It was these, wasn't it? No, it wasn't. They put you off. No, they

no. Just too tall, that's all. Too tall? I mean, nobody will notice I'll be

sitting down before that. They won't know how tall I am, will they? Ah, no.

Well, you see, the trouble is, it is in colour, you see. It's in colour, and

you're just too tall, you see.

Just two tall. Sorry, what has colour got to do with it? Well, I mean, how

are you? Well, about 5 '2". 5 '2". Ah, well, you see, 5 '2". Now, you divide 5

'2 into 625 lines, you see, bearing in mind that it is a three -colour primary

process, you see, on the three guns. You must have the equation 625 lines going

into 5 '2", means that you would be entirely green.

You'd be green from top to whatever.

But actually, I'm five, one and a half. Oh, well, five, one and a half, you see,

you'll be five, one and a half of green with half an inch of red on top.

Well, it looked very good on the small screens there that were down by there.

Yes, well, the thing is, well, look, it is actually, I'll tell you the truth, it

is a technical problem.

Technical? Yes, a technical problem. The technical reason is that, you see, you

are absolutely dreadful.

Oh, well, I mean, if it's technical, there's very little you can know about

No, well, you see, I didn't want to worry you.

guest this evening, Blue Mink.

If I thought our love was a thing I'd find

myself drowning in my

The sunshine of my life, baby.

That's why I'll always be around you.

You are the apple of my eye, child.

That this must be heaven.

How could so much love be inside of you?

You, you, you, you, you, you are the sunshine of my life, baby.

That's why I love you.

You are such out of my life, baby

the child of my life, baby.

That's why I'll always be around you.

You are the apple of my eye.

Honey, babe, honey, babe.

Forever you'll stay in my heart.

You are the sunshine of my life, baby.

That's why I'll

I hope he doesn't mind my mentioning this, but Ronnie B is a tiny little bit

annoyed tonight, you know, because he wasn't at the producer's party last

Now, he should consider himself lucky he wasn't there.

Good heavens!

I've had more fun at the dentist.

The party was actually given to launch his mother in her new showbiz career as

lady fire -eater.

Something that started quite by accident, you know, when she went to put

coal on the fire and tripped over the mat.

Now this party was a very, very quiet affair.

Very quiet.

We all stood around with our glasses, you know, of homemade xenopod wine.

Irish stew on biscuits.

Little snacks like rice pudding on sticks.

My God, it was quiet.

Well, I'll be honest with you, it wasn't so much a party, it was more like

waiting to take part in an ambush.

Now we'd been there about an hour, and one of the guests, Gorta, caught up, you

know, in the general atmosphere and wanted to jump off the window ledge.

But he couldn't get the window open.

So he spent the rest of the evening throwing himself off a chair.

Then the host started playing some of his party LPs, you know, like The Best

Nureyev and a wonderful record called Sing Along with Lord

Reith.

we'd just about exhausted the entertainment possibilities.

You know, we'd all had a ride in the lift.

And the producer had done his rather tasteless send -off of head of BBC Light

Entertainment.

And my wife, who is actually going through rather a sticky patch at the

she was locked in the kitchen putting milk bottles down the waste disposal.

And someone said, what shall we do now?

Now, I was feeling a little bit full of myself.

I found later that someone had been putting metal polish in my wine.

And by the time I'd found out who was doing it, the tin was empty.

Anyway, I said, I know what we can do. I said, I know what we can do. Why don't

we all hold hands and try and get in touch with the living?

And the producer's mother, producer's mother, who was also on the Brasso,

she said, what a good idea. idea of four eyes.

We'll have a seance, she said. It appears that she wanted to get in touch

her first husband. Now, I happen to know a lady who was a medium.

Mrs. Dry.

Known as Medium Dry.

And they didn't laugh much either.

Anyway, we did manage to get hold of a medium, you know. They're all in the

yellow pages, you know.

hold of this old gypsy lady called Granny Sobrani Limited.

Granny Sobrani of Dubrovnik.

One of the Balkan Sobranis.

So we all sat around the table holding hands, if you like that, and the chap on

the end gave way to a very stupid impulse and put his finger in the power

socket.

Well, that clears your head a bit, I can tell you.

wife's hairdresser, I'll give him a little wave.

Just a little bit, you know, but my wife... He... Well, actually, he's a lot

like that.

I was wondering whether to be tactful. He passed out, poor soul, passed out on

the floor, and nobody wanted to give him the kiss of life.

It's so embarrassing.

Eventually, I rushed up, gave him a peck on the cheek, promised to write, and he

was as good as new.

Then the old gypsy said, she said that for a fiver, she could make our friend

materialize in the room for a fiver.

So we all put in 50p each. And no sooner had she got the money, when she said,

he's here already, she said.

I said, that was quick. She said, well, it's all downhill.

Then she laughed.

so I hit her.

I always like to strike a happy medium.

She said, he's here, standing on my hand, she said. He has returned to Earth

as an invisible pixie.

She said, you're very lucky you don't often see those.

There was a young lady in the group, a Miss A.

She was there by mistake. She thought it was a record promotion.

And the gypsy said, would you like to tickle him under the chin, you see? And

the girl said, yes, I would very much. And she went... And the gypsy lady said,

actually, he's about that big, but I think you're getting through to him.

That's a forgery, all right.

How can you tell?

Well, you see this capital A here in England? Now, that loop, that lower loop

there, is slightly lower than it should be compared with the letter D there.

Now, also the decoration on the crown is slightly overornate, particularly the

thistle motif.

Down here, right down here by the side of the head there, now that green

shading, that just gets a little too deep.

Just a little too quickly. See what I mean?

It's only flight, but the fault is there.

Besides, it says Bank of Toyland on the back.

Good man.

Good

man.

to where he shipped the loiter.

Good God, all I can say is thank heaven we're not at sea.

Yes, it'd be good.

Shut the bloody door, man.

Goodness me, is the back door open?

Yes, your maid, she's hanging something out in the garden.

Where can that be at this time of night? That's better.

There we are, Mr Beans. Well, what brings you to my house at this time of

Must be something important to drag you up the dirty duck on a night like this.

That is true, Captain. I do love my pint of ale. But there be things in this

world that when they do happen, they do stop a man from drinking.

And closing time be one of them.

So you got thrown out, eh? No, no. I just come to tell you that the latest

addition to your line of ships is already in port, refitted and ready to

Well, it's a scrap that's arrived, is it? Ah, last night. I thought you and me

might go and have a look over it tomorrow morning for a scene, as if

a mind.

Of course I've got a mind. I'm not daft, am I? You need brains to build up a

fleet of cargo ships like I've done.

Brains, brains, brains, brains.

Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir. Ah, well, she's arrived.

I've done it all on my own, you know, with no help whatsoever.

My father with no help. I used to think his head was full of cotton wool.

Oh, why?

Well, I saw a bit sticking out of his ear once, you know.

Latest addition to the line. Well, let's drink to it, Mr. Baines. There we are.

I'm sorry to offer you this rather inferior port wine, but the weather's

that bad, I haven't been able to get across to the off -license.

You're too drunk to tell the difference.

That's all right, Captain. Any port in a storm?

Anyhow, here.

I'll tell you what, Captain. Yes? Let us drink to the latest addition to the

fleet's loins. Grand, grand.

Grand. How long may she prosper, Mr... to her... Do you know, Baines?

Do you know her? I can't rightly remember her name.

Saucy Sue, Captain, ain't she a beauty?

Grand, Mr. Baines, grand.

Trim and proud.

Fast, I could imagine, too.

With that air of strength and reliability characteristic of the class.

What's she like to handle, have you heard?

Well, Jones, the pilot, says she responds quickly and manoeuvres well.

I've been all over her already. She's as solid as a rock and a lot more

comfortable than the older ones of the same class.

Saucy Sue, eh? That'll be her name, Captain.

I can't wait.

I say, Sue.

Why don't you slink into the tavern and wait for me? I'll be there in time to

buy you a second pint.

Just got to look at a ship. What's it called, Ben? The Dependable Captain.

How very unexciting.

I reckon her bottom will need a bit of attention.

Right.

First things first, come on.

Land ho, Mr. Baines.

Hi, Captain.

Land ho, Mr. Baines.

Lando, Captain.

There ain't no Lando around here from my altar.

Really? Then look through that telescope. What's that blobbing horizon

That's not on the horizon. See, that's on the end of the telescope, right?

That's a seagull, did that? Any other messages?

Oh, yes, there was one, yes. I come in to report that I found a stowaway

sir, stowed away aboard.

I found him in a lifeboat living, sir. What the blank? I'll bring him in at

once. I will at once, sir.

Bring in a prisoner, Mr Toot.

So, eh, tired of stowaway on my ship, eh? Trying to swindle an honest sailor

of the favour of passage, eh?

Well, you're a parasite in the back of society, my fine fellow.

And I want to assure you that a captain has means of dealing with the likes of

you. By the time I've finished with you, I wish you weren't born. Take him out.

Strip him. Tie him to the yardarm. Give him a taste of the rope's end.

Come on, come on. You don't think you're right up in front of the captain, will

you?

Good God, it's a woman. Do you see that, Baines? I do, I do.

Yes. Is she still to be stripped and tied to the yardarm and given a taste of

the rope's end?

Now, perhaps we're being a little bit hasty there. You know, you do tend to be

wee bit hasty, Baines.

Let's compromise a little. Shall we? Will you just slip off your oil again,

dear? There we are.

No, perhaps.

Perhaps not a taste of the ropes, then. Perhaps you prefer something a little

bit tastier, eh?

Bring the lady a cheese sandwich!

There we are. Now, there, will you just mind it? Now, will you sit down here, my

dear? Sit up there. Get your breath back.

We're all breathing a bit heavy, aren't we?

What are you looking at, Baines?

I take it I can leave her polite in your hands, sir.

Exactly, Baines. I shall set her to work for me. She shall be my cabin boy.

Don't you worry, Baines.

She'll work a passage as any other storyway would. Don't you worry.

Now, what's your name, if I may?

Ophelia O 'Hannah Flanagan, sir.

O what? Ophelia, Captain.

Permission to go aloft?

I shall instruct my cabin boy on her duties.

Well, what made you stay away from my ship? Well, I wanted to travel and to

a name for myself.

Well, you've come to the right place.

You play your card right, you can do both things at once.

Now, I'll just tell you what your duties will be. You'll naturally do a little

bit of light dusting and bring me my early morning cup of tea.

And, of course, polish my sextant.

Come over here, I'll show you rightly where we keep the hammocks. You see now?

You see now?

Thank you.

You coming up on the bridge? The storm is at his height.

I'm afraid I've got too much to do down here.

But we need your experience up there, Captain.

I'm using most of it down here.

It's a filthy night up there.

Pretty heavy weather down here as well.

I'm warning you, Captain, it's touch and go.

I don't...

Captain. No thanks, my dear. Not at breakfast. It's a bit early for me, you

know. Good God, what a night.

Oh, I do love you, Captain.

And I do love you too.

It's the first time I've ever said that to a cabin boy.

What's that?

Captain, we're being boarded. Who, boy?

Pirates.

He's right. He's not wrong. Oh, dear. Don't you worry, dear. You'll be safe in

here with me.

No, I'm going to stay in here and protect you. Oh, I'll go and fight. No,

leave me here on my own. Don't be daft. Are you coming here or not, Captain?

No, I've got every confidence in you, Baines.

Oh, all right, sir, aye, aye.

Stand by to repel all boarders.

Sounds like a landlady I knew once.

Sit down here, my dear. Come on, make yourself comfortable.

Well, this is pleasant, isn't it, eh?

How different my life has suddenly become.

Are you sure Mr Baines can manage on his own? Well, why not?

You helped us through last night without so much as a scrape, didn't you, eh?

Which is more than I could say for you, my dear.

Catherine!

I shall never forget the first time I saw you when you took off your hat and

your hair fell out over your shoulder. Were you surprised?

Well, it was a bit of a shock. It's usually a sign of scurvy.

What? Sounds as if they're getting closer.

They won't get past the door, not with Baines there.

Not only is he tough, but he uses his head. Well, what's it made of? Solid oak

and not a knot all inside.

I didn't mean that silly. I meant the door.

Oh, the door. I don't know what the door's made of. No, I don't.

Listen. What?

It's gone all quiet.

So it has. Perhaps they're fighting on carpet.

It's all over, Captain.

Have they... Have you beaten them? They've beaten us, Captain. I'm a

out there.

Are you coming out or not?

No, no, not... No fear, no.

Ophelia and I are staying in here. We've got supplies enough to last us three

months. Plenty of Robin Ships biscuits. Are they a tough bunch, are they? Ah,

they are, sir, they are. They've been at sea for months without so much as

clapping eyes upon a member of the opposite, as you might say, sir. And

make their body very edgy, that do.

Whomsoever, they promise not to kill me if I do exactly as I say.

Then I suggest you agree I'm staying in here.

The fewer men out there with that lot, the better.

Ah, you may be right with that, Captain. You may be right.

I'd just like to say... If I don't see you again, it will have been wonderful.

Well,

that's

all for this week. Next week, we're having a talk on ethics by a man from

Suffolk.

We'll interview a man who's really got a finger in every pie.

He's a short -sighted butcher.

Oh, that's a meaty one.

And now some late news. Despite the strike of delivery drivers at a Midlands

factory today, the millionth car rolled off the assembly line and onto a pile of

990 ,000 others.

And the latest news from the divorce court.

A sex -crazed lady dietician from Hertfordshire admitted in an undefended

I won't deny it. There are 263 men in my life, and they all eat shredded wheat.

And in the high courts, a man complained of the noise made by the amorous couple

in the flat above.

Each evening, they'd sing the red flag, eat their supper, have fun on the sofa,

and then take a very naughty bath together.

So every night, it was hammer and tickle, cheese and fickle, slap and

and bubble and squeak.

that it's good night from him and it's good night from me as well