Original subtitles

Good evening. It's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.

On the show tonight, we've got the Archbishop of Canterbury playing spoons.

The Red Army Ensemble in an extract from Winnie the Pooh.

Six ACDC electricians will be here to tell you how to put up your fairy

And now, the news.

In Threadneedle Street today, police doubled the guard on the Bank of

strengthened the burglar alarm, and checked all safety mechanisms after it

discovered that the key had disappeared from under the mat.

In the channel today, a six -mile oil slick met a two -mile vinegar slick, and

later Boulogne Beach was covered in French dressing.

At the Albert Hall today, a vast crowd attended a conference on reincarnation.

It was such a success that they planned to meet again in 200 years' time.

And at the world's... Sex championships today, the British team, Mr. and Mrs.

James Field, retired.

But they were easily beaten by the Swedish team, Mr. and Mrs. Johansson,

managed to retire five times.

Sir Matthew Pomeroy, the eminent tree surgeon, is to retire.

Sir Matthew, who is 91, said, I'm getting too old for my work. Last week I

off one of my patients.

That's a...

At the badminton horse trials, Firebrand II was found guilty and put on

probation for three years.

While at the start of the three -day event, David Broome and his horse were

stung by a swarm of wasps, which caused him to fall at the fourth fence.

The horse went on to win the 2 .15 at Redcar and the 3 o 'clock at Thurston.

David Broome himself won the long jump at White City and created a new European

record for throwing the jodhpurs.

And later in the afternoon, a man was arrested for seducing a young lady at

water jump.

He asked for 17 other fences to be taken into consideration.

And now it's time for a sketch.

Yes, see what you make of it, and if you don't know what to make of it, write to

us and we'll send you a pattern.

Hello, Ted.

Hello, Jack.

I didn't see you on the train.

No, I was at the other end today.

I thought it wouldn't be like you to miss it. Oh, no, I never have done up to

now. No, I saw you, but I couldn't reach you. I saw you get on.

Damn non -corridor trains.

I know.

Cold today, isn't it? It is.

It is cold, yes. Very cold.

we're going to have to wait for this connection?

Oh, about ten minutes, I suppose, if it's on time.

We must try to get into a carriage near the engine in the wall.

Yes, yes.

Well, how's the stock market been going today? Well, pretty lively, actually.

Everything's coming down, really. Yeah.

Well, it's inevitable, isn't it, really?

Inevitable. Yes.

People just haven't got the money to play with these days, have they? Not the

tax system as it is in this country. I mean, they'd have the shirt off your

back. Yes.

Well, I've certainly got very little to spare these days, you know. Oh, yes.

I mean, I find it difficult to make ends meet, you know.

Of course, my wife's no help, you know. Always rushing out and buying some

ridiculous item of clothing.

Just like a woman, that, isn't it?

Well, it's my daughter that's getting me down. I mean, she's never out of

boutiques. She spends an absolute fortune.

Takes no notice of me at all.

Does exactly as she thinks fit.

And, I mean, no one would ever believe I was the man of the house.

Well,

it's the modern generation, you see, Jack. That's the trouble. They won't be

told anything, will they?

Well, they simply do things for kicks nowadays, in my opinion.

Oh, well.

I see.

Zip me up, would you? Yeah.

It's not as if... It's not as if my daughter's been starved of affection in

way. I mean, I've been like a father to her, really. Yeah, quite, yeah. But I

mean, she does weigh the life out of me, honestly, because she stays out to...

Stays out to all hours at night. Yeah.

And, quite frankly, there are some very odd people about.

We were considered rather odd when we were kids, weren't we? Yes, I suppose

I suppose we must appeal... Well, appeal and appear.

Rather dull and staid, going about our business in the normal manner, up to the

city on the train, day in, day out. I suppose our lives must appear pretty

colourless.

Well,

I think I'm about ready. Are you?

Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

It's a bit of a nuisance, all this, isn't it? Yes. Still, we live in Herbst.

That's one day they'll build a gentleman's lavatory on this station.

Who

can

take a sunrise?

Sprinkle it with dew.

Cover it in chocolate at a miracle or two.

My Candyman.

Hey, my Candyman can.

My Candyman can coffee mixes. It would love to make the world taste

good, yeah.

Now who can take a rainbow, dip it in a...

Saucy mixes that we love to make the whole world taste real good.

I'm not the person you expected to see here tonight.

Oh, no.

Actually, he, Sir Hector, has been on the leaderboard in Amsterdam.

And I have stepped into his breach, as it were, very short indeed.

I have come from a hell of a party.

Conference.

party conference, where we stretched out several important people,

including no less a man than the shadow of your smile.

So, good evening.

And I hope you're having one.

And if you are having one, tally ho!

What?

Moreover, surely all

What Britain needs at this moment in our history is Scotch broth 16p.

But there are two sides to this.

I've just been handed a communion which says, and I quote, pull yourself

together.

There's a nose behind your ear.

behind your ear I think in a sense there's a nose behind everybody's ear

I'm not talking through the back of my neck when I say it isn't that the recipe

for the ideal pollution politician a nose behind his ear he can

sniff the wind listen to his nose and of course smell his ear

precisely Some people say, oh, it's easy for him to sit up

there.

It's not, I assure you. It's damn difficult.

Prices, you see. Prices.

I mean, look at that.

Nicky Bocco bacon.

Bacon. This used to cost a mere 1967.

And now, in the year of grace, £1 .40p.

I mean, just look at it.

It's repulsive.

position is, and has always been, there's a shoe in my pocket.

I think you'll agree, this shoe says it all.

What this country needs, and I'm speaking off the cuff, off the cuff, is

strict discipline, Rita, evenings after six.

She is to put Britain back on its knees, on its feet.

Bacon. Bacon. The GCE.

Are we to go round and round and round Europe?

Cap in hand, tail in hand, and cap between our legs?

Finishing up where we started?

What about Brussels?

They're 18p now.

Some of us may wish our entry into Europe had been unavailably deterred.

When Herr so -called Brandt, considerate British Foreign Secretary, forces.

service I ordered two black coffers of the Daily Telegraph. You sent up what?

I'd like to leave you with this thought.

Get off you drunken fool.

And I think that says it all. Good night and listen to you for thanking.

Good night.

Once again, our podgy and intrepid hero, Piggy Malone, and his slightly more

trepid assistant, Charlie Farley, pictured here, had managed to be in the

place at the wrong time, and another murder had been committed behind their

backs. The latest victim, Dr Grist, had apparently died of an overdose of love,

according to a note pinned to his pyjama trousers.

Malone and Charlie checked through the facts carefully next morning, while

tucking into bacon and sausages, trying desperately to digest them.

Fact one.

There have been four people murdered since we arrived here four days ago.

Right, Chief.

Fact two, we haven't found any clues at all yet.

Right. Fact three, there are five more people left.

Right. Therefore, question, was I silly to get a weekly return? Would I have

been better off for the month?

That's a little bit of a pessimistic attitude, Chief. I mean, you know.

I mean, sooner or later, we're bound to find him.

Or her.

Huh?

It could be a her.

You mean he could be a woman in disguise?

Not him. The murderer.

Could be a her.

What?

Yes, sir?

I'd like a word with you, my good man.

Yes, sir?

As you may know, four people have been murdered in this vicinity recently.

I had heard, sir.

Doesn't that strike you as odd?

No, sir.

Oh, it doesn't, eh? No, sir. Come on, Pike, what are you trying to hide?

A bit of bacon, sir.

Come on, Pike.

You were jealous of the doctor.

Admit it.

Wouldn't you have liked to get your hands on him?

No, sir. What about Blanche, Miss Brimstone?

Oh, yes, I'd like to get my hands on her, sir.

He means she wanted to get her hands on him. And your hands would be on her as

soon as her hands were on the money.

Isn't that right?

I'm confused. I don't know whose hands are on what now, sir.

All right.

You can go.

Yes, sir.

Mike.

Just one more thing.

Yes, sir?

Would it be possible to have another sausage?

Sure, yes, sir.

I'll tell you one thing, sir.

Hairy Jack knows.

What's that?

It's a sausage, sir.

I mean, what did you say to him? He said, hairy... Who's Hairy Jack?

Ah, that's more than my job's worth.

What is your job worth?

£2 ,500 a year, sir.

Yeah, that's not bad, is it?

Is that all found?

Morning. Morning.

Ah, I'm starving.

How did the grapefruit look this morning?

Very nice indeed.

Oh, dear.

Miss Brimstone, Harry Jack mean anything to you at all?

Harry Jack?

Yes.

He lives all alone. All alone in the old fisherman's cottage on the cliff.

All alone?

Odd.

What's odd about it?

Well, why would he live in an old fisherman's cottage?

He's an old fisherman.

I'd hate you to see him if you like.

I'd quite like a day on the beach. This chance remark from the beautifully

proportioned Blanche, which seemed insignificant at the time, was to come

mean even less in the ensuing pattern of events.

Piggy Malone.

Unable to resist the idea of Blanche in a bikini, had decided to give Charlie

the important task of questioning Hairy Jack, whilst he himself remained on the

beach to keep an eye on, as he put it, our principal witness.

A man who had once played wing three -quarter for the England darts team

himself in the unlikely situation of introducing himself to a man he had

even met, Harry Jack.

Now then, Jack, I want you to tell me, in your very own word, exactly what you

know of all murders.

No, no, no, just a minute. I've got to check to see if this is recording all

right.

Hello? Hello?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 2, 4, 6, 8, Mary at the cottage gate. 1, 2, 3, 4,

Mary at the cottage gate.

So, England, boom, boom, boom.

England, boom, boom, boom. England, boom, boom, boom. Right, now, let's see

that's recorded all right.

No, it hasn't. Ah, well, never mind.

Sorry, Jack.

It shan't be a minute.

But even an innocent frolic on the beach did not escape the eagle eye of the

sinister gardeners.

Ever present, ever watchful, and for the most part, permanently intoxicated.

It's brand new, this.

Should work.

Fell off the back of a lorry.

Take recorder.

Mains or battery.

Not plugged into the mains, therefore should work off the battery. Not

Why not?

Answer.

No batteries.

Correct.

I shall have to plug it into the mains.

That wall light will do.

Oh.

You've got gas lighting.

Oh, this won't work.

Probably need a special adapter for that.

Elevandar. Thank you, Sati.

Tell us all you know.

Uh,

boy, they won't question the police.

We're all back in that flat, I'll tell you.

We're all going to come over.

We're all going to come over.

We're all going to come over. We're all going to come over.

We're all going to come over.

Miss Blanche! Miss Blanche!

Miss Blanche, quick, come round to the vegetable garden.

I've already told you, Pike, it's all over between us. No, no, Miss Blanche,

that.

It's the godness.

Oh, he's terrible!

Where's Malone?

Only Blanche knew the answer to that question. Had she deliberately left him

there to die?

What was the significance of the seagull? Would Malone get the message?

The fish that old Jack had given to Charlie, was it a red herring?

One thing was certain.

There would be very little sleep for anyone that night.

Listen to the melody Let the

music take you Listen to

the melody Let the music take

you Listen to the melody Let

the

Let the music take you.

Listen to the melody. We could be in harmony.

Let the music take you.

Listen to the melody.

Let we could be in harmony.

Listen to the melody.

Listen to the melody.

Listen to the melody.

Thank you very much, Georgie and Alan.

Before I begin, I would just like to say thank you to all those viewers who sent

in goodwill messages when we moved into our new house recently.

These letters have come from all over the place, you know. Look at the

on that one.

Luton.

I didn't know they had television in Luton.

And here's one all the way from Slough.

Anybody want the stamp?

Now, I must be honest when I say that we just, we seem to have overcome all our

teething troubles in the new house, you know.

I bought the kiddies a penguin last week.

I was going to buy them a pussycat, but the living room is still very damp.

And if I can keep them away from picture books and other children, they'll never

know the difference.

Anyway, he's doing, he's doing a job. Feel free, please. Anyway, the penguin

doing a grand job, and we haven't seen a fish since we got him.

Yes, we are getting a bit organised.

I mean, there's an old chap from down the road, comes and amuses himself for

hour or so in the garden every morning.

And we've seen the police about him.

Now, the fellow who bought the house... That's the sort of stuff you like, is

it?

The fellow who bought the house next door had a bit of bad luck. I must be

honest, he had a bit of bad luck. He was banging a for -sale notice in and the

house fell down.

Actually, I had an idea there was something wrong with that house when I

that the chap who was painting the back door was getting danger money.

Anyway, I had a chat with Mr. Mafia.

That's the... That's the builder.

Not the chap whose house fell down. He doesn't say much at all. A bit of a

shock, really.

The last I heard of him was he was trying to join the Brownies.

So, as I say, I had a chat with the builder. I say a chat.

Actually, we were shouting through the letterbox at each other.

because we couldn't get the front door open.

Now, I happened to mention this to him, and he said, it's your own fault, you

shouldn't have closed it.

Actually, I was going to tell him about the house being haunted, but in my

excitement, you know, I forgot, because it is haunted. There is definitely a

ghostly apparition appears and stands at the foot of our bed every night on the

stroke of midnight.

Now, my wife is terrified.

Me, well, I'm not worried in the least, because I don't get home till one.

That wasn't what I was going to tell you about. What I was going to say was that

I went to a party last night. Now, that may not mean a lot to you. I mean, you

probably go to parties night after night. We all know about viewers, don't

So, anyway, we're at this party.

There, there, you've got to find them over there. Now, so we're all around

producer's house.

Now, the producer's house, not this producer's, the actual producer, not any

producer, this particular producer.

Terrence. We're all round at Terrence's house.

Terrence. You know, just his friends and a few extras from the agency to fill

the place up a bit.

Anyway, we're having an absolutely great time.

I am standing there, the glass of wine, a cigar, and the Daily Mirror.

And a couple, another couple of guests, are dancing to a recording of a speech

by Sir Winston Churchill.

Now, the producer's wife, Maggie, is circulating among the guests trying to

souvenir pictures of her wedding night.

Right. Now, the party is just going along.

You've got the picture, have you? Not the picture, I hope, but anyway, you've

got the picture. The party is just going along nicely because this party can be

a bit dreary. I remember the last one. A light bulb blew out and we were still

laughing about it two hours later.

Now, while I was standing there, it suddenly struck me that it was 15 years

the day at just such an occasion that I met my first love, Mrs Wilkinson.

She was a widow.

Her husband drove the last tram out of Limestone. It was never heard of again.

I remember we got talking and I found that we had something in common.

We were both drunk.

Anyway, we finished up at her place, and she said to me, why don't you make

yourself comfortable, you know, a bit more comfortable, make yourself

comfortable, and take your clothes off. Ho, ho, ho, I thought.

Well, it seemed a good idea at the time.

She said, I won't be a minute, and she popped out, you see. So I took off my

clothes, and I was just standing there, pouring myself a drink, when in she

comes again with her three children.

And she says, now look, that's what you'll look like if you don't eat your

greens.

Tomorrow night, drama returns to BBC television with a new series of plays

tomorrow.

Viewers are warned that some of the dialogue in the first play is extremely

outspoken, dealing, as it does, with the passionate love affair of Charles

Wheeler and a live... The first in the new series tomorrow night is Lady

Windermere's... Good morning, Cyril. Have

you... today?

No, I'm afraid I had to... the old... myself.

Oh, good.

Did Cecilia and you... well?

Oh, yes, beautifully.

Mind you, we had a terrific... during the night.

Oh, really? I thought Cecilia couldn't.

Oh, yes, she gives you a wonderful...

I'd heard she'd caught... Oh,

it's got a round, has it?

Here comes the vicar with his new... Has anyone seen my...

She's my... As well as yours, you know.

Have you seen her, Charles?

Why me? Why me? Why should I have seen your little...

hiding something.

Listen, if she's lost her, you can say goodbye to your...

Very well, then, if you must know, I love her. I love her with all

my... Just a minute. I can see her sticking out behind the curtain.

Well, I'll be... Tomorrow night on BBC One, Lady Windermere...

Good evening, and thank you.

And may I say how wonderful it is to be in your terrible country.

My name is Karko, and for a start, I would like to ring up the Iron Curtain

by introducing you to my gentleman friend, Vladimir Pesto.

You are Pesto?

No, I like it here.

That is good. My friend here is a little defective.

He has defected to the West and has asked to go in the political asylum.

The House of Commons. That's the one.

Well, now we are singing for you our first song, which, as always, is our

voting song.

Thank you, please.

For once more, we must win the power of Sandy

Shore.

Sandy Shore.

Sandy Shore.

Let's all try and pull Sandy Shore.

We'll be happy when we reach those shores.

belts and we're glad we haven't got them.

A sailor's not a sailor till he's been on the bottom.

I'm getting heavier, eating too much caviar.

My name is

Vladimir and when I was a kid I came from Vladivostok and...

love all.

Thank you, thank you. Now, as a final, we would like to finish you off with one

of your own folk tunes, Green Grody Rashes All, which we have adapted for

ourselves. And here is my gentleman friend to say good night.

Hello.

And thank you for letting me wish you a good night.

Thank you for letting us put up with you, and thank you for putting us up for

the very good night.

Thank you, please.

What is your 3 -0? 3 -P for the rotten cup of tea.

2 -2 for women's lip. Now they've burnt their bras, oh. They'll go brown when

the sun goes down. If you hang them out the window, I'll sing you 4 -0.

5 -6 -7 -0.

What is your 7 -0? 7 for the seven deadly sins and 6 for the common market.

5 pence a mile to drive your car and 4 pounds then to park it. Three, three for

a rotten cup of tea Two, two for women's lip Now they've burnt their bras Oh, my

wifey won't you keep us on She's built like a commando And Darcy's a flop with

double top And she's got a full house for a bingo

Well, that's all for this week. Thank you for joining us. But before we go,

is the late weather report.

Strong westerly winds cover the whole country today.

A man who ran out of petrol on the M4 near Bristol reached Reading before he

found out.

And confetti thrown at a wedding couple in West Hartlepool covered a wedding

couple in East Hartlepool.

But despite the winds, the talky regatta went on at Brighton, Dover and

eventually Antwerp.

And the free fall parachute display in Liverpool was watched by a large crowd

Leeds.

And a man who swallowed a barometer was admitted to Wandsworth Hospital tonight.

His condition was described as set, fair, stormy later.

And there's reassuring news about the plague of flies which hit Bradford early

today. It's been discovered that it was due to an explosion in a trouser button

factory.

And... Finally...

A Bournemouth woman who got carried away last January during a game of postman's

knock has just had a special delivery.

So it's good night from me.

And it's good night from him. Good night. Good night.