Original subtitles

Good evening. Nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. Very nice

indeed. We'll start straight away with some news of an exceptionally busy night

for the police.

Ten tons of human hair on the way to be made into wigs fell off a lorry on the

A1 today.

Police are still combing the area.

And in Sussex... A van load of bread overturned when it collided with a lorry

carrying tins of pork luncheon meat.

Motorists should proceed with caution as the road is blocked by an unusually

large sandwich.

And the South Pilling Fire Brigade, which has been late for every fire in

last seven years, is seeking advice.

Please ring them at South Pilling 76249 -357 -721 -0464.

Extension 50375.

And earlier today, at the Old Bailey, Jim Spriggs, the world's greatest

confidence trickster, sentenced the judge to five years hard labour.

While in Battersea, a self -employed man was found guilty of defrauding the

Minister of Social Security by sticking trading stamps on his national insurance

card. He was fined £50 or an electric food mixer.

And now...

Some more bad news, I'm afraid, about the social services. The Midwives

Association announced plans today for a nationwide strike and will not deliver

any more babies as from midnight tonight.

As from tomorrow, you'll have to collect them for yourselves.

And now it's time once again to consider the state of the party.

Yes, absolutely true. Yes, absolutely true. I was there at the time.

Yes.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Jolly nice of you to come.

Not at all. Have a drink.

Thank you very much.

Oh, thank God. I say, that's an awfully unusual jump you've got there.

Oh, well, it's the latest thing to do, this. This is the fun thing.

It's all the rage.

I read it somewhere. I think, didn't I?

No. Oh. No. It's utterly ridiculous and no one ever does it.

Oh. Completely ridiculous and absolutely unfashionable.

Oh, that's good.

Well, it is rather Fergal. I thought of it my Sergal.

Is that the latest trend, saying everything and adding Ergal on at the

That'll never catch on.

No, not as much fun as the old kangaroo jump.

No. Hello, every Fergal.

No, hello.

Have a Dregal. Oh, Fergal, very Mergal. Now, have you got Jergal or Wergal? I

believe you've got a little bit of Brergal. I think I'll have a drop of

Fergal. Yes, certainly.

Hello.

Hello.

Pathetic. It really is pathetic. I mean, you're like a load of Shergill. Sheep,

sheep, sheep.

Perhaps that's just a little J.

Worthington fits Sour Grapesville.

Is that another trend? Saying J.

Worthington fits everything?

Yes, J. Worthington fits exactly.

Oh, how lucky for J. Worthington.

You see, I can be amusing without using gimmicks.

When?

in ever since Tuesday. It was all the rage at Magnus's housewarming party. Oh,

it was all the rage at Magnus's housewarming party. No, in the Karl Marx

Remember that? Oh,

anybody can do that. I can do that. I just don't want to do it. That's all

quack.

I say that was awfully good. Do that again.

Do what again? Quack.

Oh, that's great fun.

Quack.

Bells, there's no need to make fun of my speech defect.

Quirk!

Oh,

sorry. I didn't realise it was a speech defect.

Anyway, it might catch on and then everyone will be doing it and no one

know that you're doing it. Oh, no, no, I'm

bored. I'm bored with all this. No, I want something new.

Well, Magnus will be here in a minurgle. He's sure to have thought of something

nurgle. That's true. Hello!

Lovely party pools.

Oh, but drink the booze. Easy booze. We've got ginny booze or whiskey booze?

Ginny booze. I like your beardy booze. Oh, tarzy booze. Yes.

Where's your little beardy booze?

I lost it. No, I didn't. I never had a beard. Never had one. Didn't want one.

Not interested in fashions or trends.

Can't bear them. Well, I think it's lovely.

I can't wait for Magnus to see Virgo.

Magnus, schmagnus, I'm going Fitzbloody homey booze and I'm Nurgle coming Virgo.

No, you don't like gimmicks if we're not taking you out in Agnes. Come on.

Thank you, folks. Thank you for a lovely party.

If there's one more song I'll be singing.

I'm always going, but I don't know where.

Keep on moving, moving on. I've been 17 years in South Australia.

Eight more years just running free.

With the girls back home in their short blue dresses. Only hear one thing from

me.

If there's one more time.

I might be the winning, I'll be there.

If there's one more song, I'll be singing.

I'm always going, but I don't know where. Keep a moving, a moving on.

Went round to Sydney last summer on a tanker working my way.

There were well -mannered ladies, streets that were shady.

But for me, I never could stay.

If there's one more town, I'll be going.

I'll fight for the winning, I'll be there.

If there's one more song, I'll be singing.

I'm always going, but I don't.

Sailed up north on a schooner, but I wouldn't be staying there long.

There were bright city lights and girls in pink tights, but their faces were all

painted on.

If there's one more town, I'll be going.

I'll find me the winning, I'll be there.

If there's one more song, I'll be singing.

I'm always going, but I don't know where.

I don't know where.

I don't know where.

I don't know where.

I'm appealing to you tonight on behalf of the society for the very clumsy.

You know, it can be very unpleasant to be clumsy.

Last week, one of our members broke 44 bones, nine of them his own.

Even I myself do tend to knock over the occasional table.

In fact, last month, I knocked over five occasional tables.

Now, our society was founded in the 16th century, thank you, by...

Our society, as I was saying, was founded in the 16th century by the

who beheaded Sir Thomas More, although he was actually aiming at Anne Boleyn.

Today, we have 26 ,000 members, and you'll be pleased to hear that only 87

these are in hospital, and only 53 of them are surgeons.

Two years ago, we decided to set up a clumsy centre.

Our president, Sir Henry Splint, himself laid our foundation stone with the

immortal words, Whoops, sorry your ladyship, that was the trowel.

To help members lead a normal life, as I only recently started

to do.

It is very difficult.

It is very difficult for our members to find work.

Mostly, the only jobs that are available are things like demolition work, post

office management and captaining oil tankers.

Above all, we need money to train our members not to be clumsy.

Here is an example of what can be done a given sufficient time and training.

It was made by our oldest member entirely out of matchsticks and chewing

Unfortunately, he is no longer with us, and as soon as he had finished this

model, he stepped back to admire his work.

tripped over his landlady and fell out of an open window.

But at least he has left something to posterity, so your money will not be

wasted.

Well...

Well,

that's that.

Give generously.

We want to set up clumsy centres all over Britain where clumsy people can

in without hurting themselves.

We also want to build a school for children of clumsy members.

So far, none of them have managed to have any children, but I know... I

know they're all trying desperately hard at this very moment.

Thank you. Thank you for listening. Don't be afraid to write to me, or if we

should bump into each other in the street, then it's bound to be my fault.

Thank you once again, and good night.

You will doubtless remember, dear overindulgent reader, how I had lately

returned from Paris, and of the duel which precipitated my sudden departure

that city of a thousand romances.

But now, as I approached the sinister residence in which I was to fulfill the

post of housekeeper, a nameless fear gripped me.

My heart began to thump so loudly within my bosom that I was sure someone must

hear it.

My fears were confirmed.

Welcome to Doomsday Hall, my dear.

You are to do calculus from now on, eh? What a strange chick of a girl you are.

Come closer, come closer. I won't eat you.

I'm a vegetarian.

He'll eat you.

He's not particular what he eats. Are you, Kehoe?

No, sir.

Keel is his real name. He's of German extraction.

But I think Keyhole's a rather good name for a butler, don't you?

Ha, ha, ha!

Laugh, Keyhole!

Ha, ha, ha!

And we shall see you in the morning then, my dear, provided you are spared.

I trust you have a peaceful and uneventful night.

Keyhole, you know where Miss Beckett's quarters are.

Ha, ha, ha! Don't laugh till you're told. That wasn't a joke. Now show Miss

Beckett your home.

This way, madam.

What a dark, gloomy room it was.

I think I would have fled there and then, had it not been for the presence

the frightening keyhole.

Will that be all, madam?

Yes, thank you, keyhole. If you want anything in the night, just cry out.

My room is only next door.

Oh, no. I wouldn't want to disturb your sleep.

Oh, I don't sleep.

I lie awake all night, scheming.

Pleasant dreams, madam.

Your midnight cocoa, madam.

If I were you, I'd approach it with a certain amount of caution.

Why? What's the matter? with it?

It's bloody hot.

I knew then that this was no ordinary house.

There was some dark secret here that they did not wish me to discover.

Why else would they want to watch me undressing for bed?

It could only be to keep an eye on my movements.

So it was Keyhole who'd been watching me.

He then obviously was up to no good.

Perhaps after all, I had misjudged his master, Lord Doomsday.

Although eccentric, he was in all probability an innocent party in the

Forgive me, my dear, I breakfasted earlier.

I come to tell you that Kehoe and I are going to the village on business.

I'd be very much obliged if you would stay in your room.

Bring your coffee there, dear.

They were obviously lying.

And why did they wish me to remain in my room?

What did they wish to conceal from me?

This was more than I could bear.

As soon as they'd gone, I resolved to explore this evil house.

I failed to bring the key, sir.

You failed to bring the key.

I failed to bring the key.

This was their guilty secret.

An illicit whiskey skill.

If this were discovered by the police, Lord Doomsday would face many years in

jail. I resolved to leave at once.

By the time they returned, I would be out of reach of their evil clutches.

Not so fast, my inquisitive beauty.

Too late.

I'd been caught red -handed by the...

Need I describe to you, Ancestrina, my feelings of terror as they laid me in

coffin and nailed down the lid?

Fetch the handguard. Yes, ma 'am.

We're taking you to the river, Miss Beckett. Now, I don't know if this

airtight or not.

If it is, you'll propagate.

If it's not, you'll drown.

It was then that I did the only thing that an English girl can do when she

herself at the mercy of evil doers.

Pray and kick hard.

And very soon, my prayers were answered.

The poor, astonished clergyman soon overcame his fear and released me from

imprisonment, much to my relief.

And within the hour, I was sitting with him in his vicarage, taking tea and

munching bread and honey.

He had already introduced me to his cousin, a Mr Samuel D. Goldberg, a

to these shores from America, and his friend and companion, Donald Fairchild,

Jr.

Mr Goldberg was engaged in making what he called motion pictures.

I did not know it at the time.

But I was about to embark upon perhaps the most exciting episode in my long

of adventures.

Resume the searching once again into the upper, middle and lower classes with

regards to various aspects of modern living in Britain.

Tonight we have representatives of the three classes in the studio to report on

family life.

I have three children, Jeremy, Alison and Jay.

My wife and I have been married for eight years.

I have two children, Derek and Doreen.

My wife and I have been married for six years.

I have eight children.

Peter, Rita, Anita, Sandra, Dawn, Clint, Rock and Elvis.

My wife and I are not married.

My wife is on several committees, runs the local opera group and is secretary

the Bridge Club.

My wife is a member of the Mother's Union, enjoys organising coffee mornings

is a driver for Meals on Wheels.

My wife is pregnant again.

We give dinner parties two or three times a week. This enables us to keep in

touch with our wide circle of friends.

We give a wine and cheese do once a month. This enables us to do it on the

cheap. Her mother comes round Saturday nights and drinks my Guinness.

This enables her to get drunk for nothing.

We stopped having children when we decided that we had the ideal -sized

unit. We stopped having children when the school meals went up.

We stopped having children when we found out what was causing it.

We employ... A housekeeper, a chauffeur, a gardener and a cleaning woman. My

wife has a woman who comes in three times a week and a babysitter in the

evenings. My wife has a babysitter, a cook, someone to clean the house at the

weekends and a washer up. And I'm bleeding exhausted.

Three family units, each of a different class.

But are our opinions of marriage really so different?

I get the feeling that marriage only works provided it strengthens the

of the individual.

My trouble is I get the feeling that marriage tends to tie me down.

My trouble is I get the feeling too often.

I was alone. I took a ride. I didn't know what I would find.

Another road where maybe I could see another kind of mind.

Didn't run, didn't lie, you knew I wanted just a hold

If I'm true, I'll never leave, and if I do, I'll...

to my wife this morning.

I was, honestly.

No, fame hasn't changed me a bit, you know.

Still unspoiled, modest, generous to a fault.

God, the autographs I've given that woman.

Anyway.

I like, you know, I like you to believe that, you know, because it makes things

so much easier later on. Anyway, a young lady is walking along, walking along.

I'm laughing, won't you join me? A young lady is walking along a country lane

and she's held up by a bandit.

And she says, I haven't got any money on me. And the bandit says, keep still,

I'm going to search you.

After a couple of minutes, she says, don't stop now, I'll write you a cheque.

Actually, I started in this business, you know, telling jokes in a nightclub.

Quite a nice sort of place.

It wasn't the talk of the town.

As a matter of fact, it was hardly mentioned in the country.

It was a sort of cheaper version of the silver dollar, called the wooden

halfpenny.

And I used to be the top of the bill, you know, the last on.

were so bad that during my act the crowd would still be booing them.

Now this club this club was situated right opposite the cemetery and we used

rely rather a lot on the late night funeral trade.

Although you see it hadn't always been a nightclub I mean it used to be a public

convenience and a lot of people came down there because they didn't know it

changed hands.

Anyway the manager's wife The manager's wife, she used to sing in the cabaret.

Not a pretty sight.

For an encore, she used to strip right down to her hearing aid.

Anyway, she was so ugly, she was so ugly. I mean, he told me, quite frankly

confidentially one night, he told me that, you know, he once had taken her to

Madame Tussauds and while they were in the Chamber of Horrors, an attendant had

crept up to her and whispered in his ear and said, would you mind keeping your

wife moving because we're stock -taking.

I recall that one of the low spots of the evening was the resident

ventriloquist. Now, he never quite made it, partly because he couldn't afford a

dummy.

Eventually, he had a great idea.

He gave up show business and became a phony medium, you see. Now, his clients

weren't really talking to the departed, you know. I mean, the voices they heard

were him doing his sort of ventriloquial bit, you see, throwing his voice. And

the story goes...

I wish it would. The story goes that one day, a

lady came to him.

I thought his luck had changed. A lady came to him, and she wanted to talk to

her dear departed husband. He said, certainly, he said. So he let her talk

her dear departed husband, and he charged her five guineas. She said to

now, money is no object to me, she said. And she sort of did that with her head

and her hands.

She had that curious way.

Money is no object.

She said, money is no object.

She said, for a little bit more, for a little bit more, he wondered what she

going to say. He said, for a little bit more, could you make my husband

materialize? Oh, he said, no, I can't do that. He said, no, he said, I can't do

that. Couldn't possibly do that. He said, but I tell you what, for another

bob, he could talk to you while I'm drinking a glass of water.

Thank you.

Oh, my dad.

I'll pull it down.

What?

I think I... Hello.

No!

No!

No!

But the essential flavor has been retained by using only traditional

airs. Here, then, is a preview of the BBC's latest venture, entitled

Aha.

My Lord Chancellor, where is the keeper of the Privy Chamber?

I'm here, Your Majesty.

Oh, get the lock fixed, would you, dear?

I just met three old... ladies coming out said they've been in there since

Saturday. However, are we all here?

We are, Your Majesty. Good. Then we can start.

In good King Charles's golden days when morals were appalling, His Majesty was

always in when Nelwyn came a -calling.

She plied him with her oranges, was known throughout the land, boys.

So full was he of vitamin C that he could hardly stand boys.

But now those bad old days are gone and I am on the throne, sirs. A virgin queen

I shall remain.

I mean to hold my own, sirs. I have a big poor post -star bed no man has dared

to leave in. And won't be a tithe a twit who tries to creep in while I'm

sleeping.

be a chance, this chap, the Elizabeth the First, I am.

Well, gentlemen, what did you think of that?

Is

someone

trying to tell me something?

Sir Francis Drake wishes to see Your Majesty.

Oh, of course. I thought I recognized him. He is without.

I beg your pardon? He is without.

Yes, he would be, yeah.

Have him within at once.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening, all.

Good evening.

Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's

good evening, all.

Frivolous branches at your service.

Frivolous, frivolous branches, Drake, in the flesh, not a hand puppet.

Well, what a joke, what a, what a... I know, you've got to laugh at the right

time, I know, it's all pleased. Now, there we are. Oh, what a journey I've

Traffic round the Isle of Wight, something terrible, honestly. Boatsprit

brosprit. Then finally some silly seaman backs into me and knocks me figurehead

right off.

Honestly, it'd be easy to come by boat, really.

Your Majesty, Sir Francis Drake. Oh, the nights are getting shorter.

I was just explaining to the good people why I'm late. Yes, I heard.

Couldn't you persuade your sailors to go the other way?

They don't need much persuading, my dear.

Now, as a matter of fact, it's a treat to come back to normality. Yes, in a

manner of speaking.

Yes, and what are your sailors doing now?

They're camping on Plymouth Hill.

Hill? What hill? Oh, plenty of that as well, yes.

But there's no good enough standing here discussing the crew, my dear. I've come

to woo. Come to woo?

To woo who?

To woo you.

Oh, you do?

You do.

So why don't we stop playing trains and tell the good people all about you? Oh,

there my blood is due.

I can't believe my luck.

On you I'm really stuck.

If you will take me as your drink, I'll make you Mrs.

Duck.

Thank you very much. Yes, all very well, Sir Francis. But while you've been

away, the Earl of Essex has been seeing a great deal of me. That wouldn't be

difficult.

The Earl of Essex? You don't mean you let him... Oh, certainly not. You know

very well I don't believe in Essex before marriage.

When I saw him talking to you earlier, I didn't like the way he made certain

remarks touching your chastity.

Did he?

I never noticed. You can't tell in these farthingales, you know. Oh, Majesty.

Not that little man with the bicycle again, is it? Oh, dear. He's so

you know. The bedroom's full of onions.

No, it is the Armada. The Spanish ships are approaching England.

Oh. Then I must depart.

Yes. I shall set sail for Plymouth. But never fear. When England once more is

safe, when the grim shadow of war has departed, I shall return.

Good. I'll leave your supper in the oven.

Goodbye, Lizby.

Until then.

So...

to fight the foe, the beat that you assign me. And I'll stay at home and sit

upon the throne so you'll always know where to find me. The more life they

they cannot break the chains of love that bind me. As I sink in the drink, I

shall always think of that hefty girl behind me.

Rule Britannia! It's time for our goodbyes.

Next week, Henry IV, part one, on ice.

Rule Britannia! It's time to say chapter...

That's all for tonight.

Next week we shall be discussing the Middle East crisis and revealing the

recently announced term for taking in the Israeli borders.

37 and 6 a night, bed, bagels and an evening meal.

In our theory of science today, I shall be looking at Archimedes' principle and

he'll be looking at mine.

We shall be talking to Mr Anthony Wedgwood -Benn about his proposal to

trade union special programmes on TV, and we shall be showing excerpts,

including old Time and a Half musical.

Oh, brothers, it's a lockout, and I'm all right Jackanory.

And we end with a warning. Reports are just coming in of an elephant that has

done a tonne on the M1.

Drive carefully and treat it as a roundabout.

Now it's goodnight from me.

And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

Goodnight.