All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s01e01

I'm done.

Thank you. Good evening and welcome to
the show. I must say it's very nice to

with you all, isn't it? It is. And it's
very nice to be with you. Thank you,

Ron. Yes, it's lovely to see you all for
this, the second show in our series.

Last week we had the first one.

We call it the Eurovision Song Contest.

Very few people spotted that we in fact
did play all the parts.

I played Clodagh Rogers. Yes, but I won.

It may sound like hard work, but we
found it much easier than the Cassius

-Frasier fight you may have seen us do
last month.

We decided actually to call the series
The Two Arthurs.

But then we thought that wouldn't work
because Ronnie Barker isn't called

Arthur. So we decided to call a Ronnie
and an Arthur. But then someone pointed

out that I'm not called Arthur either.
So we rather smartly thought up the

The Two Ronnies.

Thank you, Arthur.

We've got an action -packed show here.
We shall be looking at the major issues

in the news today.

Here's a piece of film we've just had in
from Dover.

I've got a bottle of perfume, an instant
camera, some nylon stockings,

and a couple of bottles of champagne.

Oh, lovely.

Let's go back to my place.

And now, our guide to next week's
programmes. And the BBC have asked us to

that they're making too much of their
historical series.

On BBC One, there's the third repeat of
The Six Wives of Henry VIII.

On BBC Two, there's the eighth repeat of
The Three Wives of Henry VI.

On BBC Three, there's the sixth repeat
of the second part of the third episode

of The Five Wives of Henry IV, part two.

This will be followed by the brand new
BBC Two series, Henry VIII Meets Abbott

and Costello.

Here's the rest of the news. Now, we've
put this together in rather a hurry, so

the editing, you know, may not be quite
as good as usual. There may be little

gaps here and there, but still, you
know, what is editing or little gaps

friends?

The President of France arrived in
London today. He was wearing a fawn

midi dress and a matching picture hat.

The Queen later welcomed the Emperor of
Ethiopia highly indignant.

The President of the Newport -Camden
Family Planning Association is to have

another child.

Anyone who saw the accident is asked to
phone... Telephone number, Whitehall 1,

Arsenal 3.

In the Miss World competition, Miss
Sweden was placed first. A close second

Mr Edward Heath.

The commons then debated the price of
syrupa figs, but only three ran.

In the Gloria Van Crumpit divorce case,
the co -respondent was named as the

Argyle and Sutherland Highlanders, with
the help of the Highland Light Infantry.

Now, politics.

It's time to consider the state of the
party.

Hello. Jolly nice party, this, isn't it?

Rather nice wine.

My name's...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It's something I just can't
control. If I were you, I'd just move

away. Well, I did.

Everybody else does.

Don't worry. I'll be all right. I'm used
to it.

Well, it seems such a shame.

Look, supposing I just sort of...
Supposing I just sort of kept an eye on

hand of yours, and every time it came
up, you know, to give me a little thing,

ducked my head, we could have quite a
reasonable conversation.

There we are.

I'm sorry about that. And jolly well
heard, that dude. I know. I forgot to

you about that. It does hurt. It does
hurt. That's the trouble, you see. I've

got new friends left. I tell them my
troubles, and I try to be kind to them,

they try to be kind to me and nice, and
then I kick them.

Oh, I can't go on much longer. Why,
Gloria?

I ought not to have locked my temper and
raised my voice really, you know.

Look, you go off.

You go off and enjoy yourself.

There's nothing you can do. There's
nothing anyone can do. Oh, there must

Tell me, have you thought

of seeing somebody? I mean, for example,
I don't know. Have you thought of

seeing a psychiatrist?

Psychiatrist? What would I want with a
psychiatrist?

I mean, nothing sticks these days, does
it?

I just thought a psychiatrist might
possibly, you know, be able to assist

And, you know, you might...

And,

you know, in so doing, he might help
you, you know, to sort of... It's no

seeing a psychiatrist. He'd only say I
would start staring mad, wouldn't he?

Yes, but you're not mad.

No, I'm not mad. Of course I'm not mad.

Trouble I get, you see. I mean, I want
to be liked and I need to be liked, but

it's just that I just can't help it, you
see. I can't help it.

Look, I... I don't. I don't want to.

Look, I don't want to hurt your
feelings. Not for a minute do I want to

your feelings. But I suppose you're
right. I ought to go.

I ought to go, really.

But there is just one thing I would like
to say before going.

I hope. I hope you understand.

I feel so pathetic, so hopelessly
helpless, not being able to cope with

problem of yours. I'm very sorry. Thank
you for trying, anyway.

Well... No hard feelings, then? No, not
at all.

Oh!

Hello, George.

Oh, hello, Charles.

I thought I'd never get rid of him.

I think the girl you're about to see is
going to be a really big star. She's

only 16.

This is her very first television
appearance.

She makes a thrilling sound.

And what's more, she's absolutely tiny.

Isn't that lovely?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome please,
Tina Charles.

And now, number 2 ,164 in our series,
how to get rid of embarrassing speech

defects. Last week, we taught you to say
Schleswig -Holstein without soaking the

wallpaper.

This week, how to stop saying everything
twice. How to stop saying everything

twice.

You know, I myself used to say
everything twice once.

It was a kind of nervous habit in times
of stress. I remember asking a girl, of

whom I was rather shy, to come to the
cinema.

And she said, which film? And I said,
Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, Bang,

Bang, Bang, Bang.

Of course, I am lucky I was cured. I am
lucky I was cured.

A man once said to me, a man once said
to me, there is a German town where they

cure this. There is a German town where
they cure this.

Pardon, pardon, pardon, pardon.

I said, pardon, pardon.

And he said, I said, he said, I said,
pardon, pardon, pardon, pardon.

He should have just said, pardon,
pardon. He should have just said,

pardon. But what he said was, what he
said was, pardon, pardon, pardon,

Pardon, pardon, pardon, pardon.

Now, if you suffer from saying
everything twice, if you suffer from

everything twice, write to this address,
write to this address. The Larches, the

Larches, Gangadin Avenue, Gangadin
Avenue.

Chipping, chipping, sodry, sodry.

Fortunately, fortunately, this form of
illness, illness doesn't last long, last

long. After a few, after a few minutes,
the patient begins to say only a few

things twice, things twice.

Sometimes only bits of words, er, so...
So try to put up with it, up with it,

and avoid words like plastic, tick,
tick, tick, tick, and livestock, tock,

tock, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock,
tick.

Never christen your child Rupert, but,
but, but, but, but, but.

And if you see some people evil eating
their lunch unch on the grass grass,

never refer to them as picnickers,
niggers, niggers.

Finally, here is the address.

That was referred to here, 2, 4, 6, 8,
10, 12.

The larches, arches, gunga -gunga, din
-din, abby -abby, new -new, chip -chip,

ping -ping, sod -sod, very -very.

Good -goodnight -ight -ight -ight -ight
-ight -ight, tiddly -ight -ight -ight

-ight.

I must admit, it was with more than a
little trepidation that I approached my

destination.

Was it really true?

With the sound of the convent bell still
ringing in my ears, was I really

travelling north to become the mistress
of a wealthy industrialist?

No, of course I wasn't. I was travelling
south to start work as a governor.

I told myself that I must stop indulging
in the foolish habit of imagining

myself into these romantic situations.

Forgive me, dear reader.

But how could I have known what
adventures were to befall me?

But let us go back to the beginning.

My name is Henrietta Beckett, and I am
21 years old.

My father is a country parson, my mother
a member of an old county family, and

the man next to me has just put his hand
on my knee.

The Mother Superior was right. The
parasol is a blessing in all ways.

So I was here at last, Hampton Wick.

As I stepped down from the coach, a
feeling foreboding descended upon me.

air was chill, and so was my heart.

What lay in store for me behind those
forbidding walls?

I was to know soon enough.

What is more...

You will do precisely as you are told,
James.

I am the master in this house, and I say
that you will go into the army.

When you were born, I decided that you
would go into the army.

When you were christened, James, your
godfather expressed a wish that you

go into the army.

The eldest son of the family has always
been called James and has always gone

into the army. And going to the army,
you shall, James, whether you like it or

not. Now.

Have you anything to say?

Yes, Father. I'm Edward.

Edward? Well, where's James?

He's working as a porter at Euston
Station, Father. Is he? Is that a good

No, terrible.

Good. Never did like that, boy.

Now then, what did I want to see you
about?

Nothing, Father. Then why are we here?

I've come to tell you, Father, that the
coach is shortly to arrive, bearing with

it the new governess.

Oh, wonderful.

Father, don't you think I'm a trifle old
for a governess? Nonsense, boy. I had a

governess when I was 19.

How old are you?

36, Father. Well, there you are. You
see, there's no time to be lost.

Besides... I like a woman around the
place. It makes me feel young again.

Oh, it takes me back.

Doesn't do your legs much good either,
Father.

Father, don't you think you're a trifle
old for that sort of thing, don't you

think, Father? Are you insinuating, sir,
that I am over -preoccupied with the

fair sex?

Fair's got nothing to do with it,
Father. You are simply over

What about that grossest sister in
Ashford who allowed you once to press

flowers in your encyclopedia?

Ah, but only her annuals.

Beckett. Miss Beckett, might I introduce
my father, Sir Geoffrey Hampton? Oh,

cha -cha -cha.

Charmed. Charmed, my dear.

How do you do, Sir Geoffrey? I'm very
well. And how are you both?

Well?

How delighted they were.

And how pleased they seemed to be to
welcome me within their doors.

And yet, the more I looked at the old
man, the more I began to realise why he

had employed me.

Crumpet? Happily, it was with young
Edward that I was to spend most of my

And I must confess that I had already
begun to lose my heart to him.

We spent many a happy hour studying
together.

Drawing upon my own limited experience,
I endeavoured to provide him with as

wide an education as possible.

The days indeed passed happily enough.

But the nights, oh, the nights began to
distress me more and more.

Old Sir Geoffrey had been pressing his
intentions upon me more and more each

evening.

Each night he would come to my room and
beg me to submit to his evil will.

But I was adamant. Ow!

and time after time.

But each time I repulsed him, I wanted
no one but my dear Edward.

In fact, I often went to his room to ask
him if he loved me.

And

he

came to mine.

To tell me that he did.

I knew then that the time had come to
leave Hampton Wick.

Oh, pray forgive me for intruding, but I
need help. I'm having trouble fastening

my chest, and I wouldn't want my
treasures to fall out on a journey.

Allow me, my dear, I'm very good with
buttons.

I was referring to my trunk, Sir
Geoffrey, and well you know it. Not well

enough, Miss Beckett. Oh, won't you
reconsider your decision?

I will not, sir.

Pray, Father, control yourself.

Go to your room, you insolent young
puppy.

It's no good trying to make me look
small.

It's too late for that sort of thing,
Father. Come, Miss Beckett, I shall

you to the coach.

Goodbye, Sir James. Very well, then, go.
Go and seek your fortune in the big

city. But remember, a woman can't hold
out very long if she hasn't got a penny.

Edward took me to the coach, and a few
flakes of snow drifting down reminded me

that it was a year... Almost the day
since I had entered his life.

It was a black day for me, and an even
blacker one for Edward.

She's one.

Yeah, ain't she there, eh?

Oi.

Hungry? Yes, a little.

Got lodgings?

No.

Follow me, darling.

It seemed as if fortune once again had
smiled upon me in my hour of need.

As the two honest labourers discussed
which particular lodgings would best

my needs, I began to wonder how I could
repay such unsolicited kindness.

Alas, dear reader, I was... Soon to
long.

Number, please.

Interpol, please. Do I have Interpol?

Interpol. I want to speak to Interpol,
please.

Hold the line, sir.

Warnworth Police Station.

Can I help you?

Good evening.

Could I have Interpol, please? I want
Interpol.

I'll connect you with Scotland Yard,
sir. Hold on. Thank you.

sir? Um, Interpol, please. I want to
speak to Interpol.

Is it red priority, sir?

Um, yes. Yes, please.

Hold the line, please.

Hello?

Interpol here.

Oh, Interpol?

I want to send some flowers by wire to
my mother.

And now, our regular guest, singing
their hit number, Rose Garden, New

When you take, you gotta give. So live
and let live. I'll let you go. Whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

I beg your pardon.

I never promised you a rose garden.

I could promise you things like big
diamond rings, but you don't find roses

growing on thoughts of clover.

So you better think it over.

If it's me talking, you could make it
come true. I could give you the world

right now on a silver platter.

But what would it matter?

So smile for a while and let's be jolly.

I never promised you a rose garden along
with the sunshine.

There's gotta be a little rain sometime.

I beg your pardon.

I never promised you a rose garden.

I could sing you a tune and promise you
the moon, but if that's what it takes to

hold you, well, just this tune will let
you go.

But there's one thing I want you to
know.

You better look before you leap, still
waters run deep, and there won't always

be someone there to pull you out.

And you know what I'm talking about.

Love shouldn't be so melancholy. Come
along and share the good times while you

can.

I beg your pardon.

I never promised you a rose garden along
with the sunshine.

There's got to be a little rain
sometime.

I beg your pardon.

I never promised you a rose garden.

Ah,

thank you. Thank you, New World.

and welcome to the old world.

One of the writers asked if I'd like to
say that, you know, or if I'd prefer to

say something funny.

When I realised what he was referring to
was antiques, you see, because I do

happen to possess a little antique
emporium very adjacent to these studios

often referred to as the Arthur Negus of
the Twilight Zone.

We started this business a few years
ago, you know.

when things weren't too good, and my
wife was on strike from the cement

Anyway, what I was going to tell you
was... Yes, they're there, if you look

them. What I was going to tell you was
that I was over in Paris recently,

because if you're going to buy antiques
at the moment, you've got to travel, you

know, because all the best pieces are
abroad these days.

Anyway, I was walking along the Champs
-Élysées, and there was this very lovely

young lady standing on the corner. Now,
she must have been able to tell I was

British. Although I had taken great
pains to dress like a native.

Perhaps it was the bowler on top of the
barrier that gave me away.

I said to her, excuse me. I said to her,
excuse me.

Am I doing rather a lot of swaying? I
think I am. I said to her, I'll sit

for a minute. I said to her, I said to
her, excuse me, but am I right for the

unknown soldier?

To which she replied, have you got a
match, Sherry?

Well, which happened to be all the
English she knew, and I later found out

could ask for a light in any language in
the NATO command.

And Swahili.

Now, I've never learned to speak any
French, because I was educated at rather

cut -price boarding school.

St. Tesco's.

We had a French teacher, you know, but
he couldn't speak English. He used to

spend all his time out on a bicycle
selling onions.

The result was we didn't know much
French, but we certainly knew our

So I got a piece of paper out.

That's pity on me. So I got a piece of
paper out.

I'm pathetically miming a piece of paper
on the palm of my hand.

I got a piece of paper out, you see, and
I began to draw, and I drew a knife and

a fork. And she nodded, and off we went
to the hardware shop.

The chap in there could speak a bit of
English, and he managed to sort it all

out, and I bought a saucepan for the
wife.

But eventually, eventually we did have a
nice dinner, and I found that I could

communicate perfectly well with these
little drawings, you know.

Little drawings. I'd draw a little wine
glass and show it to him. He'd have a

little glass of wine, draw a couple of
dances and show it to him. We had a

little dance. It was lovely.

Then, suddenly, I remembered a couple of
French phrases that I'd heard

somewhere. Voulez -vous promenade and
ferme la porte?

Well, we didn't buy many antiques, but,
my God, we walked a few miles and closed

a few doors that evening.

Right at the end, I was sitting there,
sitting there, having a little glass of

wine, and trying to draw a good night.

Trying to draw breath as well. Trying to
draw a good night. And

she took a pen and paper out of her bag,
and she started drawing. And she was

drawing there for 20 minutes.

Now, when she showed me that piece of
paper, believe it or not, on it was the

most perfect example of a Louis XIV four
-poster bed.

Now, what I want to know is, how did she
know I was in the antique business?

Is this the hearing aid centre?

Pardon?

Is this the hearing aid centre?

Oh, yes, that's right, yes.

I've come to be fitted for a hearing
aid.

Pardon?

I've come to be fitted for a hearing
aid. Oh, do sit down, would you?

I'll just take a few details.

Name?

Pardon?

Name?

Crampton. Pardon?

Crampton. Oh, Crampton. Pardon?

I said Crampton.

Oh, then, Mr. Crampton, I take it you're
having difficulty with your hearing.

Pardon?

I take it you're having difficulty with
your hearing. That's correct.

Pardon? That's correct.

Which ear?

Pardon? Which ear?

The right one. Pardon? The right one.

Would you mind covering it with your
hand, please?

Now then, can you hear me?

Pardon?

Can you hear what I'm saying?

You're a little bit faint.

Pardon? You're a little bit faint.

Ah, I can't hear you. Pardon?

Try the other ear.

That's it. Now, what's that like?

Still can't hear you.

Can you hear me?

Pardon?

Yes, you definitely need a hearing aid.
Yes, I thought so.

Pardon? You can't hear me either, can
you? Pardon?

Why don't you try one? You're still very
faint. A hearing aid. Why don't you try

one? Oh, I've got one. Pardon? Pardon? I
said pardon. Oh, I said pardon.

Oh, forget it. I'll get a set of new
teeth.

Ladies and gentlemen, Alfredo. Pardon?
Alfredo.

Good

evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

I choose to start a few mimics all over
the world. For you, the great Sammy

Davis, Jr.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, you see
now my military parade.

Thank you.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, you see now a
very nice drink with a beer.

Here, nothing.

Here, nothing.

Here, thank you.

My best number.

So, let's go.

Cheerio! Cheerio! Skol! Santi!

Saluti! Nat Provia! Echecete! Prost!

Folk. Folk.

There's a dream of a queen who I see in
New Orleans

in the summertime.

She's so lean, so serene, and she's
clean.

I've never seen such a queen of 17 in

the summertime.

In the summertime, there will come a
time at the moment I'm working

overtime for a pal of mine. So I'll have
a time to get to

New Orleans.

Her eyes are green, just like a bee.

Her legs are lean, and just between
ourselves I mean.

I love that queen.

In the summertime

Their

eyes

are clean And just between Their legs
are clean And just between

Ourselves I mean To love the Queen In
the summertime

Before we get any further, I'd very much
like you to meet my old partner and

buddy, Fat Valley Jones.

Glad to know you. Mighty glad to be
here. Thank you.

Fat Valley Jones, ladies and gentlemen,
a great big friend of mine, wonderful,

warm -hearted friend of mine, and the
best guitar player this side of me.

Well, thank you, Big Jim. That's real
nice of you.

Sure is wonderful.

Fat Belly Jones helps around the farm
with the pigs, don't you, Fat Belly? Oh,

love pigs.

Sure does. It's all over town.

Of course, he's a real country boy at
heart, old Fat Belly. I mean, his

they've been blacksmiths in the Omaha
state for four, five, six generations.

Come on, Fat Belly, you tell the folks
out there, the good folks out there,

about how you and your family were all
blacksmiths, eh?

Cobblers.

Well, seems you don't want to talk about
it right now.

So here it is now. A little number goes
like this. Something like this here.

This is the way it goes. Something like
this.

Down by the river where all the bullrush
grows. Watch the girls swim in there

without no hesitation. Out in the open,

sitting in my corn pad.

Mad Mary on my old barn door. I know
just what she's awaiting for. Up in the

loft where the oil lamp flickers. I lost
my heart and she lost her parasol. Out

in the open, sitting in my corn pad. Out
in the open, sitting in my corn pad.

I'm in the open. I'm in the open.

I'm in the open.

I'm in the open.

I'm in the open.

You have a little ditty called The Gal
from Arkansas, and me and Fat Valley, I

want to tell you this, good people, me
and Fat Valley, we really appreciate it

being here with you. I'm going to tell
you that. Okay, let's hear it for Big

Jaws about it. Let's hear it now,
people.

Well, will you give us four in, then,
Fat Valley? Okay, are we ready?

Four.

She was a big fat, welcome on the map,
true blue southern gal.

Met her down in Arkansas, never saw the
gal before, but seemed to be a real good

pal. She grew up in Scotland, her sister
from Seattle, she used to do it as

well. She was a big fat, what do you
think of that?

Up, down, down, down, bell.

She was huge, tall, really on the ball,
great people of his day.

Traveled with the rodeo, worked in the
stripper's zone, no two shows the same.

I'll show a cat a pair, she can drop her
underwear, everybody's got it, you can

tell. She was a huge, tall, no -clothes,
tall, up, down, down, down, bell.

You're too fine, cry one of mine, we're
rattling bitches here.

We'll be right back.

We'd like to thank Alfredo, New World,
and Tina Charles for being on the show.

We'd also like to thank, for not being
on the show, Harold Wilson, Anthony

Barber, and Mrs. Gunge of Bunge Street
Fence.

Who is in bed with a nasty case of Mr.

Gunge of Bunge Street Fence.

Get well soon, Gladys.

Sir Lawrence Olivier is appearing in No,
No, Nanette at the Trellis Theatre,

Totnes. Nanette is appearing in No No
Sir Lawrence Olivier, the Globe Theatre

Gotham.

Next week, next week we'll interview
Boris Goodenough, Boris Not Quite

Goodenough, and Boris Absolutely
Useless.

So, it's goodnight from me.

And it's goodnight from him.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

Goodnight. Goodnight.