Original subtitles

Hell, let's go.

Oh, come on!

Why are you yelling at the toaster?

Because it doesn't work.

I mean the stupid little wires barely even get red.

Well, I've had it since college.

That's where I learned if you put it on its side

you can make grilled cheese.

Honey, you don't even get toast,

I mean all you get is warm bread.

This thing is ruining my life.

You are the exact right amount of upset about this.

Well, the blender motor burned out,

the microwave can't fit a pizza.

I mean, our stuff sucks.

We need new stuff.

Well, new stuff's expensive.

Unless...

Ooh, what? What?

Well, Audrey has been wanting to throw us an engagement party.

And we get lots of presents.

Honey, we talked about this.

I promised my parents they could throw us a party

when we set a wedding date.

Yeah, I mean, I want the stuff,

but we can't make our friends

come to two engagement parties.

Well, that's true.

Unless...

No. Oh, d-don't stop, honey,

you're on a roll.

Well, we could consider Audrey's party a practice party.

Practice party? Yeah.

We'd invite only co-workers and acquaintances,

people we wouldn't even invite to the wedding.

Yes, just to get all the free stuff.

Yeah. Mm.

You sexy little scam artist.

Ah, you know, that would be wrong.

Ah, well, very wrong.

It's too bad.

Audrey would love to do it.

Let's tell Audrey the good news. Yeah.

Listen, Barb's gonna be here any minute.

How do I look?

Like the love child of Siegfried and Roy.

Do you think playing the friend card

while Barb's marriage is on the rocks

is gonna pay off? Bigtime.

She's moving to Divorceville,

where I happen to own a motel

on the corner of Hot and Desperate.

Why has fate created a world

in which you and I could end up related?

I wouldn't worry about it, dude.

I'm all about hittin' it and quittin' it.

Keep your pants on, she's coming to see Audrey.

Actually, she's coming to see me,

so I believe the pants will be ankle-adjacent.

That's my sister-in-law you're talking about.

Hmm.

You hurt her, I'll have to hurt you.

Understood.

I have it narrowed down to two ways in which I'd do it.

First-- Don't tell me,

I wanna be surprised.

Hello. Hey.

Hey. Hey, Russell. Hi.

Ooh. Oh.

He didn't turn into a prince.

Anyway, Barb,

what are you up to tonight?

Oh, I am sure Barbara is too jet-lagged

to go out with you, Russ.

I'm ready to cut loose.

I am single and ready to mingle.

All right, I see my rhyming lessons are paying off.

So glad my world is crumbling.

Yeah, I'm gonna change..

Oh, I'll help you.

Okay.

Heh! I was kidding.

You should've seen the look on your face.

How would you know?

You don't look at my face.

Look, I know, you may think you know her

because of those flirty emails you've been exchanging,

but she is actually in a very delicate state.

Well, I'm ready to hit the town and throw some cocktails down.

Ooh, my star pupil, excuse me.

You know what would be great at the engagement party?

Theme drink,

like a-- Like a Jen and Tonic.

Or an Adam-tini. Yeah.

Wait, could--? Could we not have "Adam" and "teeny"

in the same sentence?

Hey, you know what'd be a cute drink?

Beer.

Come on, Jen, I know a place

where we can rent a margarita machine.

Oh, I know a bar named the Margarita Machine.

Ooh, that sounds better.

Hey, so we're throwing you an engagement party.

That's exciting. Yeah, should be.

Audrey's been offering to throw you a party for months

and you've always said no. Why the sudden change of heart?

We just wanna celebrate our love with our best friends.

Best friends?

I saw the guest list.

You invited the rich cat lady down the hall.

She's a good friend.

What's her name?

Mrs...

Pussy Whiskers.

What the hell are you trying to pull?

Nothing. Don't play dumb with me.

That's a game you can't win.

All right, all right, we're just in it for the presents.

Okay, we're registering for a ton of stuff.

I want in.

What?

Yeah, let me register for some stuff that I want.

If you're gonna pull a scam in my apartment,

the house should get a taste.

Gotta kick a little tribute up to Paulie.

All right, all right, fine, fine. But no big-ticket items.

I don't think you're in any position to make demands.

Mr. Teeny.

This is so exciting.

My first pretzel as a single woman.

Guess you're enjoying your first hangover as a single woman too?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry I crashed so early last night.

I haven't partied like that in a long time.

Did I really flash the cab driver?

Oh, yeah. You saved us 20 bucks.

Oh. That's my girl.

Whoa, look what I did without even fake yawning first.

Hey, mister, catch.

Oh, ha-ha! Good throw.

There you go, buddy.

I love kids.

Anyway, I was thinking maybe later--

Catch.

All right, that was fun. Good game.

Anyway-- Catch.

Kid, it's over, okay? Go deep.

Oh.

Hey, um, you know, my whole divorce thing with Rick

would have been a lot harder

if I didn't have you to talk to, to make me laugh.

Luckily, a lot of nice things rhyme with "Rick".

Now, seriously, you're great.

You deserve to be happy.

Well, you're great too.

You deserve to be taller.

Ha-ha-ha! Really?

That's cute, but guess what?

You're the pretty one, I'm the funny one.

Got it? Okay.

What's this? Hm-hm.

You need help crossing the street?

Oh-ho! Further proof that I'm the funny one.

Catch. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

What? Come here!

I mean, I can't wait to go to the store and pick out presents.

It's gonna be like winning

the Showcase Showdown on The Price is Right.

For me it's gonna be like

stealing stuff from the guy who won.

You scoot over. Scoot.

Well, I just had a very...

interesting day with Barb.

What, she bought you a Smurf-skinned jacket?

I spent the day with Barb, just hanging out,

and there was no sex.

Can you believe it?

Well, she is Audrey's sister.

This is all new to me.

I didn't hit it,

yet I don't wanna quit it.

No, no, y-you might be falling in love.

Oh, gross.

Yeah, you know, he may be right.

Isn't being in love where you're forced to have sex

with the same woman for the rest of your life?

Yeah.

Sometimes not even her.

Whoa, you just didn't even see

that hot girl walk by.

What, I didn't?

Holy crap, am I gay?

Would you stop that?

These are for registering.

Yeah, registering whup-ass all over the bad guys.

You just registered for a salad shooter.

It was either him or me.

Come on.

Oh, which toaster should we get, the two- or the four-slice?

What about this six-slice one?

When would we ever need to make six?

When it's my night to cook dinner.

Four is fine.

Oh, what about this bread maker?

We're gonna make our own bread?

What are we, Amish?

Ooh, but a pasta maker...

All right,

nice and easy, put it back on the shelf.

Why?

No bread maker, no pasta maker.

Come on.

Ha! It's ours.

I know what you're asking yourself, punk.

Did I register six times or only five?

Say hello to my little friend.

Yeah, I am en fuego with this baby.

That's a sweet blender.

No, no, we wanted that, you present sponge.

It'll look fishy if we ask for two.

Well, looks like a duel.

Five paces, turn and shoot.

Whoever hits it gets it.

You're on.

One, two, three--

Mine.

Oh, these donut holes are great.

Those are profiteroles,

and they're for the engagement party.

Were.

Is Barb back yet?

I don't think so. But on that topic,

um, when a relative of yours stays with us,

you usually reward me.

In this area.

We already did it this month.

That one began before midnight on the 31st,

so that sex was charged back to the previous month.

Goes by when it started,

not when it finishes.

Hmm, good thing it doesn't go by when I finish.

Don't be a sore loser.

Shall we?

God, you...

Make it quick.

As opposed to?

What was that?

Is that Barb? Is she home?

Sounds like she's not alone.

Oh, God, Russell?

Why would he come here?

Why couldn't he just go back to his place

to have sex with my sister?

What did I just say?

Just block it out.

Unless it makes you hot.

Oh, it doesn't.

Just close the door,

close it.

Hey, dude.

I'm totally getting it on with your roommate.

Well, I have good news and bad news.

What's the good news?

It's all bad news.

I can't believe my sister

brought home a strange guy last night.

Yeah, he did look a little skeevy.

I'm checking to make sure nothing's missing.

Is he still here?

I don't know. But my Mr. Met bobblehead still is.

Yeah, 'cause that's what he would have stolen.

You okay, little guy?

Oh, morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Is, uh--? Oh, no, no.

He left.

With anything?

Just a big old smile on his face.

I'm out.

Going down to the diner,

and, uh, not be here anymore.

Really, Barb had a one-night stand?

Yeah.

Yeah, he looked like that guy, um...

Tommy Lee.

Wow, I mean, and Russell doesn't know, so, what are you gonna do?

I think I'm going fish and chips.

No, no, I meant are you gonna tell Russell,

or are you just gonna let him get crushed by Barb?

I hadn't considered it.

You know, sometimes it's good to go over the pros and cons.

Okay. Okay.

Pro: If you tell him,

it can save him some pain and disappointment.

Con: If I tell him, it'll be kind of awkward for me.

Pro: If you tell him,

it could save Barb from that uncomfortable conversation.

Con: If I tell him and he gets upset,

that'll be really awkward for me.

Pro: If you tell him, Audrey would appreciate

that you saved her sister from another emotional upheaval.

Con: I don't wanna tell him.

Um...

I'm glad we worked that out.

Scoot over.

So as much as I didn't wanna believe it,

I think you guys are right about my feelings for Barb.

Get this.

Today I held her hand without guiding it towards anything.

Hey,

was she in a good mood

when she got home from our date last night?

You have no idea.

Come on, I was having fun.

I mean, back in school I was Miss Goody Two-Shoes.

And you were--

I, Miss Two-Shoes- On-The-Dashboard-

Of-My-Boyfriend's-Car, yeah.

So you kind of understand, right?

Ha-ha! Yes.

Don't worry, last night was only a one-time thing...

that I did three times.

I hate to even ask, but if you just wanted a one-night thing,

why not Russell?

Russell and I are just good friends.

Oh, come on, that's the reason?

Not the wardrobe, the smarminess,

the man necklace?

He actually is a really sweet guy.

Maybe.

But there's also the snide laugh, the goatee,

the open shirt, the girl hair?

Oh, you know what? I-- I've got a list on my computer.

I'll just go print it out for you.

Look at this crowd. We are gonna score every gift

we registered for.

I know.

But I don't recognize a lot of these people.

Neither do I.

You know, I-- I sent invitations to everyone

on the office blood drive list.

They're proven givers.

Nice.

I'm gonna go get a drink.

Okay.

Hey, buddy.

What's up, chief?

What's up, Snoop?

Ladies, may I offer you something from the bar?

Thank you, Russell. Oh, yeah, thanks.

So is it just us,

or are you trying to get all the woman here drunk?

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, Audrey, you are a pip.

Excuse me, Russell, I am going to get a bite.

Oh, how about I give you a bite? Ar!

I know, aren't we an adorable couple?

You know, I was thinking of getting us

matching highlights.

You're right, that's a bad idea, it's stupid.

Hey,

why does Russell think that he and Barbara are a couple?

Oh, turns out he has serious feelings for her.

He does?

Does he know about her one-night stand?

No.

Do these sound like long-range walkie-talkies?

How long have you known that he felt like this?

A few days.

Why didn't you tell me right away?

Well, I would've, but we didn't have long-range walkie-talkies.

Hey, we agreed we'd open those together. No peeking.

You got the back massager. Awesome, what else?

A toaster.

Let's just say we're no longer

gonna be placing salad in a bowl,

we're gonna be shooting it.

We've executed the perfect crime.

We have to leave, but we wanted to thank you for including us

in your special day. No, no,

thank you for gracing us with your presence.

Well, Mike and I are renewing our vows next week,

and you'll be getting an invite.

Oh, sure.

We're registered at Tiffany's.

Renewing their vows?

What a lame excuse for a party.

They're scamming us right back.

Now we have to get them a gift.

No, it's okay, we'll just...

We'll give them this talking scale.

Um, no, I wouldn't-- Take it easy,

pretty boy, I'll tell you if you're getting fat.

Part of me wants to warn Russell

and save him the heartbreak,

but part of me doesn't.

That's the old duality of man.

Thank you, college.

Maybe this is just fate's way of paying Russell back

for the way he treats women.

I have no idea why I'm doing this.

And you know, really, who am I to argue with fate?

Maybe it's time Russell got some of his own medicine.

I should just sit back and enjoy the show.

I'm gonna go out here and enjoy a beer.

See you at my housewarming party.

Wouldn't miss it for the world,

champ.

That's like the third gift we have to give now.

Eighth, we got a bunch more invites,

including one for Rachel's dog.

She's throwing him a bark-mitzvah.

Who's Rachel?

I don't know.

But her dog's getting a shower massage.

Hey, there you are.

Hm. What's up?

Listen, uh,

I know you're not my biggest fan.

I just wanted to tell you that my feelings for Barb are real.

And I would never do anything to hurt her.

Oh, okay.

Okay, well, that took a lot for me to say.

I had to slam down like five Jen and Tonics

just to get that out.

But I do care about her.

And that's not just the Jen talking.

Uh-huh.

Why are you looking me in the eyes?

My boobs are down here.

Maybe Barb changed me.

Anyway, I'm gonna go tell her what I just told you.

Uh, Russell.

Ah...Russell.

Umm, I-I don't think

you should tell Barb how you feel.

Oh, I know, it's lame, right? But I gotta take a shot.

N-no, um-- No, I don't think you should tell her

because she doesn't feel the same way.

How do you know that?

Well, last night after your date she brought home...

a pint of ice cream.

And? And--

And, you know, she told me

that she would never ruin her special friendship with you

by taking it any further.

You okay?

Oh, yeah. No, I just-- I wasn't listening.

I was too busy checking out the Twin-denburgs there.

Oh, the humanity.

Look, Russell, I know how you feel.

Well, I wouldn't mind knowing how those feel.

I know you're covering, but you crossed the line.

Oh, hey, I'm getting a text.

It's this chick Tina.

She's got a pottery wheel,

wants to do a little Ghost action.

So...I'm gonna cruise.

And for the Robinson's housewarming,

give them the Crock-Pot.

I'm not waiting eight hours to eat anything.

All right, this isn't too bad.

We've assigned gifts to people

who invited us to their parties.

Yeah, we still have all those leftover for us.

Mm.

Mine.

Mine.

Also mine.

Well, at least we still have the six-slice toaster.

Six-slice?

It's mine.

I don't know.

Maybe it was love,

maybe it wasn't.

Do I have regrets?

A few,

but all in all it's better to have loved and lost.

Am I right?

Catch.

Catch.

It's like a one-track mind with you.

I don't know why I'm talking to you about this anyway.