All language subtitles for Mrs.Doubtfire.1993.1080p.HULU.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-PiRaTeS_track3_eng

("Figaro" playing)

♪ Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! ♪

♪ Figaro! Figaro! Figaro!
Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro!
Figaro! ♪

♪ Figaro! ♪

♪ Son qua ♪

♪ Ehi, Figaro!
Son qua ♪

♪ Figaro qua, Figaro là,
Figaro qua, Figaro là ♪

♪ Figaro su, Figaro giu,
Figaro su, Figaro giu ♪

♪ Pronto prontissimo
son come il fulmine ♪

♪ Sono il factotum
della città, della città ♪

♪ Della città, della città,
della città ♪

Whew!

♪ Ah, bravo Figaro!
Bravo, bravissimo ♪

♪ A te fortuna,
a te fortuna ♪

♪ A te fortuna
non mancherà... ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ A te fortuna, a te fortuna
a te fortuna non mancherá ♪

♪ Sono il factotum
della città ♪

♪ Della città,

♪ Della città. ♪

(gulps)

(low-pitched voice)
Salutations, snack.

(high-pitched voice)
Yipe. On second thought,

(normal voice)
Yipe!

(high-pitched voice)
9-1-1! 9-1-1!

Police, civic authorities!
A. S. P. C. A. A. S. A. P!

Murder, betrayal, kidnapped--
no, birdnapped!

(low-pitched voice)
A cup of garlic,

a twist of parakeet.

Eat your heart out,
Julia Child.

(high-pitched voice)
Excuse me, but isn't it
customary

for the jailbird
to get one telephone call?

(low-pitched voice)
In your case, I think not.

Afternoon snacks have
very few civil liberties,

but I'm not wholly
without heart.

How about a nice,
soothing cigarette?

(spitting, gagging)

(high-pitched voice)
I will not do this. I cannot.

Oh, what a foul way
for a bird to die!

I don't want
to get beak cancer.

No!
My lungs are blackened.

Here we go again. Cut, cut,
cut. -(coughing)

Roll it back. What are you
doing? -Help me. Help me.

Daniel, that line is not in the
script. Why did you add it?

- Well, I thought I should
comment on the situation.
- What situation?

The fact that Pudgie the Parrot
has a cigarette

shoved into his mouth
is morally irresponsible.

This is a cartoon, okay?

This is not a friggin'
Oprah Winfrey special.

Lou, millions of kids
see this cartoon.

It's like sending each one of
them a packet of cigarettes and
saying, "Light up."

You can't put words in Pudgie's
mouth if his mouth isn't moving.

Well, it's voice-over.
It's an interior monologue.

Maybe even the voice of God.
That's even better.

(low voice)
Don't, Pudgie. Don't smoke.

- Actors.
- What? Well, let's ask
the technicians.

Do you think it's morally right
to promote smoking to
the youth of America?

(whistles)
They're biased. That's a
mistrial.

Daniel, listen to me.

This session is costing
the studio thousands of dollars.

Now, if you want a paycheck,
you stick to the script.

If you want to play Gandhi,

then do it on
somebody else's time.

(imitating Gandhi) Then I've got
to do what I've got to do.

That's very funny.
Where the hell are you going?

Hey, listen, buddy,
I'll tell you something.

If you leave,
you're not coming back in.

I'm not taking
any crap from you, pal.

Well, in the words
of Porky Pig--

(stammering)
P-p-p-p-piss off, Lou.

(music playing)

GIRL: So what aboutthat history
test? -BOY: Don't ask.

GIRL: Did you have fun in
school today? -I painted a
picture...

- Oh, yeah?
- ...of a rainbow.

- (whistles)
- BOTH: Dad?

Daddy!

Daddy!

Yow! Oh!

Oh, thanks.

I thought you
couldn't pick us up.

Well, I got off early.

- You mean you got fired.
- No, I quit for reasons of
conscience.

- Actors.
- (surfer accent) Hey, dude!

Congratulations
on your 12th birthday.

- Thanks.
- All right. I got a surprise for
ya.

- A stripper?
- Ooh, please.

- Two strippers?
- Hoo-hah, boy!

- A party?
- Yes!

- No. No parties.
- Yes.

Mom said you couldn't have one
because of your report card.

(imitating Jack Nicholson)
Mom's not gonna be home
for another four hours, is she?

(laughing)

Prepare yourself
for the wild kingdom, hmm?

(hissing)

- (children shouting)
- (horse whinnying)

(donkey braying)

(lamb bleating)

Coming up toward the very end.
There she goes at the very end.

And she wins that race.

Come on off now. Here we go.
(grunting)

Okay.
You want to feed him?

(quacking)

See if this guy will.
Want some?

- (coughs)
- Oops. Sorry.

WOMAN:
Shoo! Get out!

(clucking)

Get out! Go!

Shoo! Shoo!

- (pig squealing)
- Oh!

(quacking)

Oh!

WOMAN: Gregory, Henderson,
and Hillard.

- Miranda Hillard, please.
- (rooster crowing)

MIRANDA: I know what you're
going for with these murals,

but perhaps
if they weren't so large.

And let's do steel windows, not
wood. -MAN: Uh-huh.

Eliminate the Oriental rug.

- Let's try an Aubusson carpet.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, more pink than red.

- MAN: Good idea.
- WOMAN: I like that.

Union Square Inn.
Ah, this is better.

More Arts and Crafts, a Dirk
van Ark lamp, a Stickley chair.

- Don't be seduced by chintz.
- Excuse me.

- Miranda, can I speak to you
for a couple minutes?
- Yes. Excuse me.

- WOMAN: Certainly.
- Just be one minute.

I just got off the phone
with a Stuart Dunmeyer.

- Stuart Dunmeyer?
- Mm-hmm.

- He said you were acquaintances.
- Stuart Dunmeyer?

Yeah. He's putting millions
of dollars into restoring

that old Wellman mansion
up on Nob Hill.

He wants to make it into
a $500-a-night B&B.

Yes. I read about it.

- He's been doing very well.
- Mm-hmm.

That's him. And he specifically
asked for you, Miranda.

- He did?
- Yeah.

So I told him you'd get in touch
with him first thing tomorrow.

- Yes, I will.
- Miss Hillard?

The operator has
a Gloria Chaney on hold.

- She says it's an emergency.
- Excuse me.

Gloria?

(hip-hop blaring)

♪ Pack it up,
pack it in ♪

♪ Let me begin,
I came to win ♪

- ♪ Battle me, that's a sin... ♪
- God.

- This your residence, ma'am?
- Yes. I'm sorry to say it is.

Are you aware that it's
illegal to possess animals

of a barnyard nature in
a residential area, ma'am?

- What if you're married to one?
- We're also responding to
a noise ordinance violation.

Believe me,
I'm gonna respond myself.
I'm awfully sorry about this.

I'll get back--
You ate my begonias! God!

(music continues)

- Get out of my way.
- (bell jingling)

♪ I came to get down,
I came to get down ♪

♪ So get off your seat and jump
around ♪ -(children shouting)

♪ Jump around ♪

♪ Jump around ♪

♪ Jump around ♪

♪ Jump up,
jump up and get down ♪

♪ Jump, jump, jump,
everybody jump ♪

♪ Jump, jump,

jump, jump, jump, jump ♪

♪ Everybody jump,

♪ Everybody jump,
jump, jump, jump, jump... ♪

Oh, shoo!
Git! Git!

♪ I'm the cream of the crop,
I rise to the top ♪

♪ I never eat a pig
'cause a pig is a cop ♪

♪ Or better yet, a Terminator
like Arnold Schwarzenegger ♪

♪ Tryin' to play me out
like as if my name was Sega ♪

♪ I'm comin' to getcha,
I'm comin' to getcha ♪

♪ Spittin' out lyrics,
homie, I'm with ya ♪

♪ I came to get down,
I came to get down ♪

♪ So get out your seat and jump
around ♪ -Ha!

- Miranda! Whasup?
- ♪ Jump around ♪

You're home early, girlfriend.

- Having a birthday in the house.
- ♪ Jump up, jump up and get
down... ♪

What the hell is
going on around here?

Don't get mad, honey.

Listen.
You're home a little early.

I was gonna have everything
cleaned up before you got home.

♪ Jump, jump, jump, jump ♪

♪ Jump, jump, everybody,
jump, jump, jump... ♪

Honey? Honey, what
are you looking for?

Honey, I'd be careful.
That pony had a lot of water.

- (grunts)
- (music stops)

Party's over.

DANIEL:
Oh, that's great.

She called you, and you bust the
birthday party! That's great!

MIRANDA: Don't you dare make me
out to be the monster here,
Daniel! Don't you dare!

You have all the fun,
and I get whatever's left over.

- Oh, you chose the career--
- I have no choices here, Daniel!

I have no choices!

Even when I try
to do something fun,

you have to do it
ten times bigger.

I bring home a birthday cake
and a few gifts.

You bring home
the goddamn San Diego Zoo,

and I have to clean up after
it. -Oh, I'm sorry,

but it's not toxic waste, just
a few party plates, eh!

Why am I the only one that
feels there has to be rules?

- Oh, right.
- Why do you always make me
out to be the heavy?

I don't make you out to
be anything. You do it
yourself quite naturally.

You set me up, Daniel, every
time. -I don't set you--

Oh, lighten up, will you?

Just realize you're spending
too much time

with those corporate clones
you used to despise.

I spend too much time with
you, Daniel. It's over!

It's over.
(sighs)

Come on, Miranda. Listen, we've
got problems, but who doesn't?

We can work 'em out. What are
you talking about, "It's over"?

We've been trying to
work them out for 14 years.

Come on. Please.

Listen, maybe we
need some help, okay?

Maybe we can go to
a family therapist.

- They'll help us
through this together.
- It's too late for that.

Well, let's take
a vacation together

with the kids,
as a family.

Get you away from work,
you're a different person.

You really are.
You're great.

Oh, Daniel, our problems
would be waiting for us
right here when we got back.

Well, we'll move,

and hopefully our problems
won't follow us.

Daniel, please don't joke.

Okay.

We-- we've just grown apart.

We're different.
We have nothing in common.

Oh, sure we do.
We love each other.

Come on, Miran.

We love each other.

Don't we?

I want a divorce.

No.

We can't.
We're a family, you know?

I'm so sorry.

(music playing)

Yeah, Ma.
He told me all about it.

- Yeah, Ma, I heard, I heard.
- MA (on phone): I wanna talk to
him.

- Well, yeah, he's here.
- No.

- MA: Frank.
- Ma, he's not really
in the mood to talk.

- Is he depressed or what?
- Yeah. Depressed, you know.

- I mean, his marriage is ending.
- My marriage is not ending.

It's just on hiatus.

MA: I mean, I really want
to talk to him about it.

Ma, I think he's in
a little bit of denial.

No. We're taking good care of
your little boy. Don't worry,
Mom.

- Hi, Evelyn. Thanks for the jam.
- She says you're welcome.

- MA: The concealer?
- Oh, I don't know.

Uh, that beige concealer,

- do you know when we're
getting more of it?
- Next week.

- You hear that, Ma? Next week.
- MA: Oh, I'm so glad.

Hang on. Enough already.
It's a man.

- How would you know?
- Bitch.

This is your mother you're
talking to. -No, Ma, not you.

- I was talking about the dog.
- (meows)

Ma, listen, uh, we got people
waiting for us on the set.

Oh, yeah.
It's a busy life, Ma.

- Places to go, faces to paint.
- Oh, I know, but tell Danny...

- Yeah, I'll tell him, Ma.
- I want him to come.

- Don't wor-- I'll tell him.
- MA: I would love it.

Yeah. Hold on, Ma.

She wants to know if you
want to come stay with her.

No way.

He says he'll
think about it, Ma.

I will. All right.
I love you, too.

- Bye, Ma.
- Bye-bye.

Hey, listen.

You know you can
always stay with us

just as long as you want.

Thank you.

But I'm okay, really.
I mean, this is...

this is just
a temporary thing.

I know Miranda.
It's gonna blow over.

Mr. and Mrs. Hillard,

although these
custody proceedings

have always tended
to favor the mother,

we also realize,
perhaps now more than ever,

that it is not in
a child's best interest

to deprive him or her
of an obviously loving father.

However, since
at the present time,

Mr. Hillard has
no place to live

and no employment...

it is the court's ruling to
award sole custody to Mrs.
Hillard.

- Congratulations.
- No.

JUDGE: Mr. Hillard will have
visitation rights every
Saturday.

- Can't you do something?
- He's already made his decision.

Isn't it traditional to say
something like, "I object" or
something?

Your Honor, please.

I mean, every Saturday.
That's one day a week.

That's not enough.

I have to be with my children.
It's not a question, really.

I mean, I have to be
with them, sir, please.

I know it seems like a lot, but
for me, it's not enough, really.

I haven't been away from 'em

for more than one day
since the day they were born.

Mr. Hillard, I would like to add
that this ruling is only
temporary.

- Oh, good.
- I will assign a court liaison
to oversee your case,

and there will be a continuance
of these proceedings in 90 days.

I'm giving you three months,
Mr. Hillard. -Thank you.

Three months in which
to get a job, keep it,

and create a suitable home.

If this proves to be
a possibility for you,

I will consider a joint-custody
arrangement when we reconvene.

- We're adjourned.
- (gavel pounds)

Well, it looks like there's a
little light at the end of our
tunnel, eh?

(music playing)

- That's all my stuff.
- This is all my fault.

God, no.
Why would you think that?

I should've never
had a birthday, Dad.

- This never would've happened.
- Yes, it would.

It was an accident
waiting to happen.

Okay?
You did nothing wrong.

You got that?

Hey, give me five.

Hey.
(chuckling)

You're the man
of the house now.

Don't be messy, okay?

- You can't go now.
- Honey, I have to.

We're in the middle
of Charlotte's Web.

Who's gonna finish it?

Well, Grandma will
finish it for you.

(whispering)
She's not as good.

She always skips parts,

and she never
does the voices.

She smells funny, too.

That's the formaldehyde.

That's why Granny's
so well preserved.

Mm-hmm.
Hey, come here.

(chuckles)
Hey.

It's the same as always. We just
have a really big backyard.

- Okay?
- I love you.

I love you.

Okay. I'll miss you.

Saturday comes real quick.

I'll miss you.

Ditto.

Oh, Dad.

- Take care of her.
- Okay.

Bye-bye. Hey.

(chuckling)

Thanks for the time, Warden.
Bye.

Bye, Dad.

(car starts)

As your court liaison, I will
be looking at two things--

your living environment--

It's more like
a habitat, really.

And I will be
coming by on Monday

and Friday evenings
to inspect it.

(Southern accent)
Well, I'll put on a chicken.

And of course, there's always
the job issue.

This is the nearest
employment office.

I've taken the liberty of
making an appointment for you.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way,
do you have any special skills?

Oh, yes. I do.
I do voices.

What do you mean,
you do voices?

(German accent)
Well, I do voices.

Yes!

(imitating alien)
We've come to this planet
looking for intelligent life.

Oops, we made a mistake.

(Russian accent)
Happy to be in America.

Don't ask for green card.

(imitating monster)
I want you in the worst way.

(imitating Groucho Marx)
This is a certainly
rough meeting,

and it's not going very well
for me, I'll tell you that.

(imitating Chico Marx)
Boss, give her a chance.

She's gonna
loosen up any moment.

(imitating Sean Connery)
Look at me right now,
Moneypenny.

I want to undo that bow
and get to know ya.

I'm crazy to make
a deal with you!

(imitating Reagan)
Nancy and I are still looking
for the other half of my head.

(imitating Walter Brennan)
This is it. You're doing it.
I'm sitting on a gold mine.

(imitating Humphrey Bogart)
Don't make me smack you,
sweetheart, I'll do it.

(Pudgie voice)
♪ Figaro. ♪

I do a great impression
of a hot dog.

- (chuckling)
- Mr. Hillard, do you
consider yourself humorous?

I used to.

There was a time
when I found myself funny,

but today, you have
proven me wrong.

Thank you.

I-- listen,
bottom line,

I need to be
with my children,

and I'll do anything
to do that.

You just tell me
what to do.

(bell rings)

- Excuse me.
- Yeah?

- You Tony?
- That's me.

Hi. I'm Daniel Hillard,
the actor.

Follow me.

- (bell rings)
- Oh, films.

Will I be introducing
these movies on air?

- Not exactly.
- What do I do?

Well, you take all these cans,
you box 'em, and you ship 'em.

Then you box those cans
over there, ship them.

Then more of them
will come in.

You box those,
you ship those.

Any questions?

After you box 'em...

You ship 'em.

Lots of luck,
smart-ass.

I think I made a friend.

This way.
Miranda.

Stu!

(clears throat)

Hello, Miranda.

- It's been a long time.
- Yes.

Yeah.

Um, Mr. Dunmeyer's come by
to look over your sketches.

Um...

let me show you
to the conference room.

MIRANDA: As you probably know,
the estate was built in 1876.

Now, these sketches
are meant to reflect

your desire to have it
completely restored.

You look
better than ever.

The lobby will resemble
a music salon

with a great deal of inspiration
from the French Second Empire.

I was thinking
a 17th century grand piano--

You realize I've been following
your career in the trades
these past couple of years.

A tufted sofa,
a Flemish tapestry,

a brass-bound
Regency-style table--

I'd love to
get reacquainted...

catch up.

Mantel clocks,

fringed upholstered chairs,
drapes-- heavy drapes.

Can we talk
over dinner maybe?

Oh, Stuart, thank you.

I-- I--

I-- I'm at the beginning
of a divorce.

It just didn't work out.

Oh, Miranda, I'm sorry.

Look, you don't have to say
that. -No, really.

I mean, I never held
any grudges or anything.

I just--

Well, I always hoped
you'd find happiness.

Oh, God, that's so nice.

I mean, I was worried
about coming in here.

I thought I might
scare you off the project.

Oh, no, no, no,
of course not.

I-- I'm a professional.

I-- I-- I was flattered
that you thought of me

after all these years
and everything.

Everything.
Well...

ancient history.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm late.

I've got a meeting
over at the bank.

- Oh.
- Okay. Um...

Can we talk maybe later in the
week? -Sure.

It's good to see you again.

(people shouting)

DANIEL:
Mmm, good, huh?

I know the place doesn't
look like much now,

but it'll be okay.

- How do you like it?
- Nice.

- It's okay.
- Detestable.

Hey, just give me
some time.

I'm not too comfortable
with this new lifestyle.

- Neither are we.
- I know it's hard, sweetie.

Can't you just tell Mom
you're sorry?

Wish I could.

You know, grown-up problems,

they're a little more
complicated, Nattie.

How is the old battle-ax?

(chuckles)
Your mom.

- She's fine.
- Oh.

I'm glad to hear that.

I'd hate to think that she came
down with amebic dysentery or...

piles.

What's amebic dysentery?

Well, it's some kind of
infection in your tummy

where you get
diarrhea forever.

- Diarrhea forever?
- That's enough.

Your body dries up,
and you die.

- DANIEL: No.
- You die?

You don't have to be
so graphic with her.

I read it in a science book.

Why would you want
Mommy to die?

Oh, honey,
I don't want Mommy to die.

Then why did
you say that?

Look, Dad, you're not
trying very hard.

We only get to come here
once a week.

That's not very much.

You're right.
I'm sorry.

I'll try harder.

Nattie, I'll think
good thoughts, okay?

About Mommy?

I'll try.
I really will.

- And call her a princess.
- Oh. Oh, yes.

Yeah. And right now
I feel like a toad.

Like, blech.

- (both laughing)
- Daddy's a toad.

(horn honks)

- That's Mom.
- No, that's not.

- Can't be. She's an hour early.
- Come on, Nattie. We gotta go.

- NATTIE: Okay.
- No. Come on. Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down!

You don't have to run off
when she honks the horn.

Come on.
You're on my time now.

You're my goddamn kids, too!

Come on. Hey.

Hi.

Oh, Daniel, charming.

Thank you, Miranda. I was going
kind of for a refugee motif.

You know, fleeing my
homeland kind of thing.

But look at you.

This lovely
Dances With Wolves motif.

What's your Indian name,
Shops With a Fist?

Are my children ready yet?

No, our children are not ready
yet, because you are an hour
early,

and you were an hour late
dropping them off.

Daniel, I'm really sorry, but I
don't have time for this.

All right? I have to go to
the bank and the market.

I have to drop something off
at the newspaper office.

- Newspaper?
- I'm sorry.

Are you taking out
one of those personal ads?

"D.W.F. seeks W. W. M. with BMW,
into light B&D."

I'm placing an ad
for a housekeeper.

A housekeeper?

Why do you need
a housekeeper?

I need someone to be there
when the children get home

from school, to clean,
possibly start dinner.

- How much are you gonna
pay this person?
- $300 a week.

- Is that all right?
- Three hun--

May I see the ad?

- (scoffs) All right.
- Miranda, just let me look at
the ad.

- I have a right as their father.
- All right. Here you go.
Anything else you wanna see?

- Are you offering?
- Not anymore.

What's the change?

- You guys all right?
- Yeah, Mommy, we're fine.

- (sniffs, groans)
- Hey, Miranda.

Why don't you let me
take care of the kids?

I'll pick 'em up after school,

they can be with me
for a couple of hours,

and then I'll drop them off
at your house after work.

- Oh, Mom, that'd be great.
- Yeah.

- Look, the kids love it.
- NATTIE: Please! Please!

I'll think about it.

We're his
goddamn kids, too.

Kids say the darnedest things.

(chuckles)
Thank you.

Any other choice phrases

you'd like to teach
our five-year-old, Daniel?

Oh! Come on.
Everybody get their coats.

- Come on.
- Okay.

Put them on,
and let's get out of here.

- LYDIA: Okay, Mom.
- I would say go to
the bathroom before we go,

but I don't think
that's a good idea.

All right.

I hope you didn't
eat much of that.

- Come on, don't forget anything.
I don't want to come back.
- All right.

Come on. Let's go.

- See you Saturday.
- Say good-bye to your father.

- Bye, Daddy.
- See ya later.

Bye, Dad.

- There's your ad.
- Have to get my purse.

Yeah, get it.

- (telephone ringing)
- MIRANDA: Hello?

Are you calling
in response to the ad?

- FEMININE VOICE: Uh-huh.
- Tell me, who was your
previous employer?

I was in a band--
Severe Tire Damage.

- In a band?
- I just wanna know one thing.

Are your kids
well-behaved,

or do they need, like, a few
light slams every now and then?

Um, I'll have to
get back to you.

Wow.

(German accent)
Yeah, my name is Ilsa Himmelman.

And I want to know
how many children do you have?

- I have two girls and a boy.
- Oh, a boy.

I don't work with the males,
'cause I used to be one.

Yikes!

(telephone rings)

- Hello.
- (screams)

(Southern accent)
Layla, get back in your cell!

Don't make me
get the hose!

(soft voice)
Hello.

(Spanish accent)
I am job.

Do you speak English?

I am job.

I'm sorry.
The position has been filled.

Oh, what a nightmare.

Let's go in for the kill.

(telephone ringing)

- Hello?
- (feminine voice, English
accent) Hello?

I'm calling in regards
to the ad I read in the paper.

Yes.

Well, would you tell me
a little bit about yourself?

Oh, certainly, dear.

For the past 15 years,

I have worked for the Smythe
family of Elbourne, England.

That's "Smythe,"
not "Smith," dear.

And for them, I did
housecleaning, cooking,

and took care of their
four glorious children.

Oh, I grew quite attached
to them after 15 years,

but they grew up,
as children tend to do.

Oh, but listen to me,
I'm going on

when you should be telling me
about your little ones.

Well, I have two girls--

Oh, two precious gems.

No doubt,
the jewel of your eye.

- And one boy.
- Oh, the little prince. How
wonderful.

I must tell you, there would be
a little light cooking required.

Oh, I don't mind that, dear.

I'd love some heavy cooking,
but I do have one rule--

they'll only eat good,
nutritious food with me.

And If there's any
dispute about that,

it's either good, wholesome
food or empty tummies.

That's my rule. I hope it's
not too harsh for you, dear.

No. Um...

would you mind coming on an
interview, say, Monday night at
7:30?

- Oh, I'd love to, dear.
- Wonderful.

I'm at 2640
Steiner Street.

Steiner.
Oh, how lovely.

- Could you tell me your name?
- My name?

I thought I gave it to you,
dear. -No.

Oh!

- Doubtfire.
- I beg your pardon?

Doubtfire, dear.
Mrs. Doubtfire.

Well, I look forward to meeting
you. -Oh, lovely, dear.

Me, too.

- Bye-bye.
- Ta-ta.

Showtime.
(chuckles)

- Daniel, hi.
- Could you make me a woman?

Honey, I'm so happy!

- Oh, come in.
- I knew you'd understand.

- Is this gonna hurt?
- Don't whine. Just relax.

- Are you sure?
- Just remember-- pain is beauty.

Okay, here we go.
Take a deep breath.

- Instant eye lift.
- Whoa.

And you'll never
see the strings.

They'll be under the wig.

The man has 5:00 shadow
at 8:30 a. m.,

and you're worried
about strings?

All right.
We'll start with makeup.

- I'm not gonna wax.
- Don't worry.

- We'll just lightly spackle.
- I feel like Gloria Swanson.

- You look like her mother.
- I'm ready for my close-up,
Mr. DeMille.

Okay, everyone.

Let's pray.

(Spanish accent)
I hope you are using
jungle red,

because that is
the only color I love.

- Matches your lips.
- God bless you.

You know,
I'm feelin' fabulous

because I met this beautiful
Cuban. -Mm-hmm.

Every night is like the Bay of
Pigs. -Mmm!

- I can't lie to you.
It's beautiful with him.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't know. This will scare
the children. You think so?

I don't know. Maybe this
is too much for them.

I think we have to go
to the next level--

latex.

(Jewish accent)
Oy, it was such a shande.

I should never buy
gribenes from a mohel.

It's so chewy.

No, I feel like bubbe.
This is not working.

This isn't working,
but don't worry.

It's a work in progress,
and you're my brother.

I'll never let you be
embarrassed. -God bless you.

I think we're gonna have
to do the entire face.

But look at this nice thing
though we have here.

♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker
make me a match ♪

♪ Find me a find,
catch me a catch. ♪

(imitating Streisand)
♪ Don't tell me not to live,
just sit and "puttah" ♪

♪ Life's candy and the sun's
a ball of "buttah" ♪

♪ Don't bring around a cloud
to rain on my parade. ♪

(normal voice) It's not working.
I need to go older.

Older? You mean like Shelley
Winters older or Shirley
MacLaine older?

- What's the difference?
- Some Scotch tape and red hair
dye.

- What about Joan Collins?
- Oh, I don't think I have the
strength.

- All right.
- But I have some plaster.

♪ Luck be a lady tonight ♪

♪ Luck be a lady tonight ♪

♪ Luck, if you've ever
been a lady to begin with ♪

♪ Luck be a lady tonight ♪

♪ Luck let a gentleman see ♪

♪ How nice a dame
you can be ♪

♪ I know the way
you treated other guys ♪

♪ You've been with ♪

♪ Luck be a lady with me ♪

♪ Luck be a lady ♪

Are we close?

- Any closer and you'd be Mom.
- ♪ Luck be a lady ♪

- ♪ Tonight. ♪
- (whooping)

- NATTIE: That's disgusting.
- LYDIA: Ew.

That's the most revolting
thing I've ever seen.

- Awesome.
- (doorbell rings)

What is this? Turn it
off, will you? Come on.

Everybody over here. I want
you to meet this lady with me.

I want you to be polite to her,
then tell me what you think.

Everybody stand over here
and help me decide what to do.

Hello.
Mrs. Hillard, I presume?

Yes.
I'm Miranda Hillard.

- Euphegenia Doubtfire.
- Oh.

Yes.
Won't you please come in?

Thank you, dear.

And these must be
the cherubs.

Yes. This is Natalie.

Oh, hello, Natalie.

- Are you wearing bug spray?
- (chuckles)

- Nattie!
- It's quite all right, dear.
No offense taken.

I was a little liberal
with the atomizer.

And at my age, dear, you know,
it's like a good Stilton.

Everything does have its old
aroma. (chuckles)

I admire that honesty,
Nattie.

That's a noble quality.
Never lose that.

Because it often disappears
with age or entering politics.

Look at that face.

You remind me
of Stuart Little,

one of the most honorable
creatures in all of literature.

Do you know that book,
Stuart Little?

Yeah.
It's one of my favorites.

Oh! Mine, too.
Maybe I could read it to you.

- If I get the position.
- That would be wonderful.

- Really. And who is this
strapping young lad?
- This is Chris.

- Hello, Christopher.
- Hello.

Geez, you're big
for a lady.

You could play for the 49ers.

Well, I was a fullback, but
that's European football, dear.

- Soccer?
- Yes. You play soccer, too?

- Yeah.
- Oh, isn't that amazing?

Yes, I was captain
of the women's team.

We won three
university championships.

Oh, but that
was decades ago.

But I was more
disciplined back then.

I always put my studies
ahead of my athletics.

I'm sure
you're the same way.

I'm sure you've got all
your homework done already.

- Well, not exactly.
- Really? Oh, that's a pity.

Because young men
who don't do their studies

often always miss out
on more amusing activities.

- And who's this young lady?
- MIRANDA: This is Lydia.

Hello, Lydia.

This isn't fair, Mom. Why do
we need a housekeeper anyway?

Oh, this is all I need
right now.

- Look, why can't Dad do it?
- Excuse me, dear.

But I don't think it's
appropriate to argue with your
mother

in front of
a perfect stranger,

if you don't mind
my saying so.

I just don't see why we can't
spend the extra time with Dad.

Maybe she's right, dear.
Maybe their father would be a
more appropriate person.

- No, I don't think so.
- Really?

It's not my fault, honey.

If he would get a job
and a decent apartment--

- You see, he's the kind--
- Excuse me, dear.

I'm sure you normally would
encourage the children to step
out of the room

before you verbally
bash their father, hmm?

Well, if I did that,
I might never see them again.

- I'm sorry.
- That's all right.

You're right. You're absolutely
right. -No harm done.

- I'm not a therapist.
I just see what I see.
- Yes.

Why don't you guys
go on upstairs?

I'll be up in a minute.

- It's lovely to meet you.
- CHRIS: Yeah. Nice to meet you.

DANIEL:
You, too, Lydie.

- Oh, they're a spirited bunch.
- Yes.

- Especially that Lydie.
She's got daggers for you.
- I know.

They're very upset with me
right now. -Probably the
divorce.

- How did you know?
- Well, you can sense it, dear,

the way she talks about her
father. -Really?

I don't think he's in the navy,
really, the way she's saying
she misses him.

You know, it's like she wants
him here, like he's nearby.

- Yes.
- Oh, that's so sad--

Would you care to have a cup of
tea? -I'd love that.

- It's right in here.
- Oh, really? What a lovely home
you have.

- Did you decorate this yourself?
- Yes, I did.

Oh, it reeks of taste.
Isn't this lovely, dear.

- Thank you.
- Here's my résumé.

Oh, thank you.
Let me start this tea.

Oh, no, dear.
Let me get that for you.

You've had a hard day.
You just set yourself down

on that stool
and leave the tea to me.

- (chuckles)
- Thank you.

- That's very nice of you.
- Oh, not at all, dear.

- Oh, what a wonderful résumé.
- Oh, thank you, dear.

"Expert in first aid
and CPR."

And the Heimlich maneuver, dear.

You can never be too prepared
when you've got little ones

running around, you know,
'cause they'll swallow anything.

You've got to be ready
to pop it out, hmm?

Oh, let's see.

Oh!

What a perfectly appointed
little cubby.

Look at this.

Everything has its place
and name tag.

How precise.
It's lovely.

My husband never
appreciated it.

Oh, poor dolt.

That's not the reason
you divorced him, was it?

No.

That's so sad, because marriage
can be such a blessing.

- So can divorce.
- Oh.

Daniel is a... very
difficult man to live with.

- Hmm.
- But the children are crazy
about him.

You don't have to be
a psychic to sense that.

(chuckles)

My, you certainly do know
your way around a kitchen.

Oh. Well.

It's just because
everything's is so accessible.

You designed it.

I'm amazed there isn't a little
label there that says "spoons."

(chuckles)

You remind me
of someone.

Really? Who?

I feel like I've
known you for years.

Well, maybe we knew each other
in another life.

(chuckling)

I would love for you
to come and work with us.

- So would I.
- Great.

Oh, it would be an honor.

To us.

The start of
a business relationship.

(normal voice)
God!

(grunts)
Oh. Oh.

Oh!

(feminine voice)
Good evening, dear.

Evening, ma'am.

(beeps)

Cold night, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Hope you have something nice
and warm to go home to.

(normal voice)
My back.

Jesus!

If I find the misogynistic
bastard that invented heels,
I'll kill him.

God!

Excuse me.

(deep feminine voice)
Mrs. Sellner.

Have we met?

(feminine voice)
No.

But Danny's told me
all about you.

I'm his sister.

His much older sister.

- You have his eyes.
- Oh, only if he fills out a
donor card.

(laughing)

Is Mr. Hillard in?
I have an appointment.

Do you?
Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, let me go upstairs and get
him, and he'll be right down.

- I'll come with you. Yes.
- No. Why?

Because I have
an appointment

on Monday and Friday evenings
to check the apartment.

I remember him saying
something about that.

Are you sure you want to
walk in, dear?

That's three floors,
hoofin' it all the way.

- If you can do it, I can.
- I'll bet so. Is your ticker all
right?

- Top-notch.
- Oh, good, 'cause I don't
want to jump-start you.

(grunts)
Damn door!

Oh, come in, please, dear.
Sorry about that.

Here we are.
Daniel's abode.

(sighs)

Oh, that's mine, dear.
I'm a messy houseguest.

Well, uh, just
make yourself at home.

I'll be right back.
He'll be back.

I'll go get him. Don't be
afraid. I'll be right there.

Don't worry.
Danny!

Danny boy, where are ya? Oh,
here he is, dear. I found him.

Danny, there's a Mrs. Sellner
here to see you.

- (normal voice) Oh, is she here?
- (feminine voice) Yes, dear, she
is.

DANNY (normal voice): Oh, Mrs.
Sellner, I just got out of the
shower.

I think you'll be
very pleased with me.

I've been through some
really interesting changes,

and I'm becoming a new man
and a model father.

(feminine voice) He'll be right
there. He's just changing, dear.

(normal voice) Yes, I want
to keep you abreast of some
of the changes in my career.

There've been
two big developments.

I'm finally starting
to come into my own.

Things are really starting
to take shape.

And I'm blossoming.
Really, I am.

Things were hairy
for a while,

but, oh,
I'm in great shape now.

I'm my own man now.
Oh, yes.

A job I could
really sink my teeth into.

I'll be right there,
Mrs. Sellner.

So nice I don't have to save
face anymore, Mrs. Sellner.

- (screams)
- Mrs. Sellner! How are you?

Always a joy.
If you wanted some cheese,

why didn't you just say so?
(sighs)

Well, I know
you'll be happy to know

that I now am
holding down two jobs--

one for an educational
film and TV company--

heavy responsibility.

- And the other?
- Cleaning houses.

Not mine.

- Oh. Big girl.
- Your sister is English?

Oh, she's half English,
half American.

Half sister, really, so that
makes her about an eighth
English.

I don't know. I've never
really done the math.

You see,
my father was American.

He, uh, flew for
the English during the war.

He was in London and met
this lovely Englishwoman.

Well, my sister was the fruit
of their passions.

- (screams)
- Sorry. My sister's, not yours.

You see, she's not
a very good housekeeper,

but she makes a fabulous
cup of English tea.

- Really?
- Yes.

Well, I would adore
a good cup of English tea.

Oh, wouldn't we all?
I'll go get her.

Sis! Oh, sis!

Sis, you in here?

Tea.
Cup of T. N. T.

(laughing)

(grunts)
Come on.

- (grunting)
- (gasps)

- BOY: Sick.
- Get out--

Mom!

Oh! My face!

- (groans)
- (children continue laughing)

What am I gonna do?
I've gotta go down and get it.

Here we go.
Oh! Norman Bates.

(floor creaks)

- Miss Hillard?
- (feminine voice) Yes, dear?

I take sugar in my tea.

Oh, your tea!

I'll be right there
with your tea!

Coming right up, dear!
Sugar. One lump or two, dear?

- Two, please.
- Tea! Sugar!

Hot water! You got it!
Oh, dear!

Coming right your way, dear!

Be right there
with your tea!

(horn honks)

(normal voice)
No! Stop!

Stop! Oh! Oh!

No!

Oh, shit!

Oh! Ow!
(groans)

Can I give you a hand?

(feminine voice) Oh, no,
dear, I don't need a hand.

I need... (normal voice)
a face! A face!

Are you sure?

(feminine voice)
Oh, definitely!

- Really sure. No problem.
- (clattering)

Oh!

(normal voice) I'm not a Muslim.
I need a face.

A face.
Oh, God.

Miss Hillard?
The water's boiling.

- (feminine voice) Hello!
- (screams)

Oh, I'm sorry
to frighten you, dear.

I must look like a yeti in this
getup. -(kettle whistling)

This is my nightly
meringue mask.

Part of my beauty regimen.

What it is is
basically egg whites,

crème fraîche, powdered sugar,
vanilla, and a little touch of
alum.

There you go, dear.
Oh, there you go!

You've got your cream
and your sugar now.

It's a little cupp-u-tea-no.
One drop or two?

Would you like another one?
Oh, there you go!

(laughing) As you can see, I
can't stay with you, dear.

I'm melting like a snow cone
in Phoenix. There we go again!

I'll go get Danny, all right?
He'll be right with you. Hold
on.

Danny!

- (normal voice) Coming, sis!
- It was lovely to have met you.

(feminine voice)
Lovely to meet you!

- Had a little accident.
- Would you be careful with this
one?

- She's an old woman.
- I will.

Why wasn't I an only child?

♪ Come here, sister... ♪

- (office bell rings)
- ♪ Papa's in the swing ♪

♪ He ain't too hip ♪

♪ About that
new breed, babe ♪

♪ He ain't no drag ♪

♪ Papa's got
a brand-new bag ♪

♪ Come here, Mama ♪

♪ And dig this crazy scene ♪

♪ He's not too fancy ♪

♪ But his mind
is pretty clean... ♪

- I'm sorry.
- (normal voice) It's quite all
right.

♪ Ain't no drag ♪

♪ Papa's got
a brand-new bag ♪

♪ Hey, come on... ♪

LYDIA:
Here we go.

Ready? Okay.

- Did you have fun at school?
- Uh-huh.

- What did you do?
- I painted a picture of a bunny,

and the teacher liked it.

- She did?
- Uh-huh.

There it is, Mel,
$1,000 worth of hair.

What am I supposed to do with
it? -Alan, I was wondering if--

You want one of them?
I'd rather make a coat for my
wife.

- Pick it up, pick it up...
- All right, everyone,

it's time to expand
your minds.

It's homework time, okay?

- Yeah, but after Dick Van Dyke.
- (turns TV on)

No. Now.

- No.
- Mrs. Petrie--

- We always watch Dick Van Dyke.
- MAN ON TV: She is crazy.

- Rob's wife?
- No, his mother.

Really?
Well, not anymore.

The only thing you'll be
watching is deep CNN.

- (gasps)
- Now...

I know you're used
to loosey-goosey,

but I run
a much tighter ship.

Between the hours of
3:00 p. m. and 7:00 p. m.,

I'm in charge.

And when I'm in charge,
you will follow a schedule.

Those who do not follow
the schedule will be punished.

- Punished?
- She's lying.

She'd never punish us.

Don't fuss with me.

(music playing)

This is exploitation.
It's not fair.

- Shut up, Lydie!
- Yeah, you got us into this.

Ooh, my little ankle-biters,

do I sense dissension
in the ranks?

Are we ready for homework, or
shall we continue manual labor?

No.
Anything but this.

All right, then.
Upstairs, my little nose-miners.

Go.
Flee before me.

Onward and upward.

Go pump some neurons.

Expand your craniums.

- I miss Dad.
- Me, too.

Me most.

(normal voice)
I'm here, guys...

in some form.

Let's see.

(muttering)

Okay.
A pinch of basil.

Oh! Damn!

Come on.
Ow!

(screams, shouts)

Mother-- oh!

Oh, God. It's gonna blow!
Oh, boy!

Easy. Easy.

Damn. Calm down.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Come on.

Hey, hey, hey.
How is it?

Oh, my God, it's clotted.
Oh, God.

(sniffs) This Hollandaise
smells like burnt rubber.

God, it's hot in here.

(screaming)

Oh, God! Oh! Oh!

Oh!
(shouts)

(shouting, coughing)

(shouts)
Look at this.

My first day as a woman,
and I'm getting hot flashes.

- Hey, here's your food, lady.
- (feminine voice) How much do I
owe you?

- 135.27.
- $135? That's certainly--

- Twenty-seven cents.
- Twenty-seven cents.

Four dinners,
20 bucks extra for rushing.

Rushing? You could've been a
little bit faster, dear.

- There's-- there's 140.
Do you have change?
- No.

I thought you wouldn't.
Thank you very much.

Hello?

Hello?
Anybody home?

- Where were you guys?
- Upstairs doing our homework.

Mrs. Doubtfire
said we had to.

- Oh, she did, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Doing your homework.
How great.

- Hi.
- Hi, honey.

Look at this place.
It looks wonderful.

All spick-and-span.

(gasps)

Wow!

Dinner is served, madam.

How lovely.

- Mrs. Doubtfire?
- Lydia, dear,

get back inside right now
before you freeze.

Look, I just want to apologize
for being such a pain today.

Oh, dear,
it's all right.

- Really. Go.
- No, I'm-- I'm really sorry.

It's just I'm still
kind of messed up...

about everything.

- We all are, sweetie.
- What?

I just mean I understand the
pain you're all going through.

Yeah.

Well, I also wanted
to thank you.

- For what?
- For making my mom so happy.

Oh.

She hasn't been in this
good a mood since...

I can't even remember.

It's been a long time.

- It has?
- Yeah.

Well, I've--
I got to go back in, but--

- Go, go, go.
- Okay. Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Bye.
- Bye, dear.

Thank you.

(chuckles)
Oh, no.

Well, milady, it's a
pleasure to see you again.

A joy, as always.

(sighs)

I like that Mediterranean look
in women. -Oh.

Natural, healthy...

just the way
God made you.

Well, he broke the mold
when he made me, dear.

He made me very special.

He sure did.

Bless you.

♪ That, that dude
looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a
lady... ♪ -(shouting)

♪ That, that dude
looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks
like a lady ♪

- Ooh, goal!
- ♪ Never judge a book by its
cover ♪

♪ Or who you gonna
love like your lover ♪

♪ Say love would be wise
to love in disguise ♪

♪ She had the body of a Venus,
Lord, imagine my surprise ♪

♪ That, that dude
looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks
like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude
looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks
like a lady ♪

♪ Cruised into a bar
on the shore ♪

♪ Her picture graced
the grime on the door ♪

♪ She a long-lost love
at first bite ♪

♪ Baby, maybe you're wrong
but you know it's all right ♪

♪ That's right,
yeah, yeah... ♪

(imitating Richard Nixon)
- I am not a crook.
- I am not a
crook.

"As she kissed Stuart
and thanked him.

'How was it down there?'
asked Mr. Little,

who was always curious to know
about places he'd never been to.

- 'It was all right.'"
- ♪ Do me, do me, do me ♪

♪ Ooh, what a funky lady ♪

♪ Ooh, she like it, like it,
like it, like it ♪

♪ Ooh, he was a lady ♪

♪ Yeow ♪

♪ That, that dude
looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks
like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude
looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks
like a lady... ♪

(normal voice)
Back off, asshole!

- Beat it!
- ♪ Dude looks like a lady... ♪

(feminine voice) Broke my bag,
the bastard. Oh.

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude
looks like a lady. ♪

Lover boy's here.

What a beautiful
little car for Don Juan.

So sad when that happens.

It was our junior year
in college, okay?

And your mother got asked
to design this big float.

(chattering)

Elastic bands were flying out
everywhere. Hit you in the face.

- MIRANDA: That's not true.
- It was like Jaws.

Isn't thatthe pretty picture?
Oh. -Oh, Mrs. Doubtfire.

Miranda, what a pleasant
surprise to see you home so
early, dear.

And who is
your gentleman caller?

This is Stu. He just wanted to
come home and meet the kids.

Oh, did he?

Oh, this must be
the famous Mrs. Doubtfire.

- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Oh.

Yes, well, Miranda's
been raving about you.

- Odd. She's never mentioned you.
- No?

- No.
- Well, it's good to meet you.

- You, too.
- Yes.

I have a home in London.
I was born there.

What part of England
are you from?

Here and there, dear.
All over really.

Yes?

Accent's a little,
kind of muddled there.

Really? Well, so is your tan.
(chuckles)

No, dear, you know,
can you help me with something?

I found this outside.

Uh, yes.
This is off my Mercedes.

Off your Mercedes, dear?

You own that big,
expensive car out there?

Oh, dear. Well, they say a man
who has to buy a big car like
that's

trying to compensate
for smaller genitals, is he?

But not in your case, 'cause I
see that you're a strapping lad,
aren't ya?

- Lovely to meet you.
- You, too, dear.

Mrs. Doubtfire, may I speak
with you for a moment?

Oh, certainly, dear.

Um, could you stay a few
extra hours this evening?

Stu. That's more of a thick
soup than a name, really.

Oh, no, it's a name.
It's short for Stuart.

- Is it?
- Yes. He's a client. And a
friend.

- Was a friend. He is a friend.
- What is he?

I don't know
what's happening.

What is it, dear? Just stay
calm. -Isn't he fabulous?

Oh, kind of, dear, if you like
that handsome, rugged type.

But personally, I prefer
short, furry and funny.

Well, he just wants to go out
and have a drink.

- And I think that's pretty
harmless, don't you?
- Absolutely not, dear,

'cause they always have other
intentions. -This is business
mostly.

I'll just sit there and sip club
soda and we'll go over wallpaper
samples.

Dear Miranda, wake up and
smell the coffee, dear.

Can't you see the lust
in that man's eyes?

It's too soon, dear, really.

You've got to give
your divorce some time, dear.

Let your sheets cool down
before you bring someone else
into the bed, all right?

Mrs. Doubtfire,
may I ask you a question?

Oh, certainly, dear.

How long after
Mr. Doubtfire passed away--

- Winston, yes.
- Winston. Did you feel any...
desire?

- Never.
- Never?

- Never again.
- Never again?

Once the father of your
children is out of the picture,

the only solution is total
and lifelong celibacy.

- Celibacy?
- Yes.

And if you violate that,
heaven forgive you.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Uh...

MRS. DOUBTFIRE:
Preponderance.

LYDIA:
P-R-E-P-O-N...

D-E-R-A-N-C-E.

Bravo.
Discriminate.

D-I-S-C-R-

I-M-I-N-A-T-E.

Oh, that's very good.
Will you excuse me, dear?

Call of nature.
All right?

Check those.
I'll be right back.

(seat clanks)

- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.

- Oh, my God!
- Chris! Wait!

Lydia! Lydia, come on!
We gotta call the cops!

- We gotta dial 9-1-1 now!
- What? What? Why?

Well, Mrs. Doubtfire--
he's a she.

- He's a she-he. (stammering)
- What?

Ah!

- He's half-man, half-woman.
- What?

Yes, I swear.

- Now just calm down.
- Freeze!

- Just relax, please!
- You're going to get it.

- In the balls.
- Yeah! She's got 'em?

She's got
everything.

All right, listen to me.

I'm not who you think I am.

- Yeah, no shit.
- (normal voice)
Watch your mouth, young man.

Oh, my God.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

- Dad?
- Yeah, honey.

You don't really like wearing
that stuff, do you, Dad?

Well, some of it's
comfortable. No! No.

It's a pain
in the padded ass.

This is not a way of life.
It's just a job.

I don't go to old-lady bars or
anything like that after work,
you know?

You know, it's the only way
I could see you guys every day.

W-Who did this?

- Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.
- Oh.

- It's really you in there.
- Yeah.

It's just a mask.
And this is a bodysuit.

I didn't have any
operations or anything.

- It's good.
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi. Oh, hey.

Sorry I scared you.

- Come here, Chris.
- No. No, it's okay.

I get it.

I just, you know, don't want
to hug you or anything.

Not just yet.

- That's cool. It's a guy thing.
- Yeah.

Well, now that you know,
you can't tell Mom, okay?

'Cause if she finds out,

I'll only be able to see you
through plate glass, okay?

And we can't tell Nattie,
'cause she'll blow my cover.

So you have to promise me
it's just us, all right?

- You promise?
- Okay.

Okay.

It's okay.

All right.
It's our little secret.

Most of the dinosaurs
were herbivorous,

but this tyrannosaurus rex
is a carnivore.

The reptile-like
Saurischia--

Saurischia and...

the birdlike
Ornithischia.

Now, we're going to go...

where no
human being's ever been.

- Oh, no.
- As we continue our journey
into prehistory.

- Which one's the dinosaur?
- The one in the middle, I think.

Nah, you're wrong.
They're all extinct.

I can't believe they're still
subjecting kids to this.

This is insane.

They should have a little
disclaimer that says,

"Do not operate heavy machinery
while watching this show."

- (chuckles)
- It's incredible.

This guy used to put me
to sleep when I was a kid.

It's amazing.

He has the warmth
of a snow pea.

He makes Mr. Rogers
look like Mick Jagger.

That's insane.
(scoffs)

What kind of idiot kept this guy
on the air for 25 years?

Me.

- You?
- Jonathan Lundy.

Jonathan Lundy,
general manager, owner.

I'm Daniel Hillard, former
employee. -Ahh. Maybe.

(laughs)
That was funny.

Listen, I don't
mean to criticize.

I just, you know, sometimes I
have-- -Criticize all you want.

The show's terrible.
I'm gonna cancel it.

It's pulling down the whole
afternoon schedule. Nah, it's
gone.

- You know what you gotta do?
- What?

Maybe just start
from scratch.

Give it kind of a--
maybe a musical number.

Imagine a little tyrannosaurus
Rex comes out, you know--

Hillard, get your ass to the
truck. -Yeah.

- That shipment's gotta make
a 6:00 flight to L. A.
- Okay, Tony.

Tony, this is Mr. Lundy.

- He knows who I am.
- Yeah.

Did you ever wish that sometimes
you could freeze-frame

a single moment
in your day,

look at it and say,
"This is not my life"?

(music playing)

(man vocalizing)

♪ Walk, walk ♪

♪ He said,
walk like a man ♪

♪ Talk like a man ♪

♪ Walk like a man,
my son ♪

♪ No woman's worth
crawling on the earth ♪

♪ So walk like a man,
my son... ♪

Miranda, what are you
home early for, dear?

I had an appointment.
Oh, thank you.

- That's all right.
- With the court liaison Mrs.
Sellner.

- Oh.
- I can't believe it.

What, dear?

She says that Daniel has
some woman living with him

- pretending to be his sister.
- Oh!

I told her he doesn't
even have a sister.

Oh, Mrs. Sellner's
probably mistaken.

Oh, she's a social
worker, dear, really.

And, besides,

how could he replace you
and so quickly, really?

She's supposed to be older
and very unattractive.

Really?

Mrs. Doubtfire?

- Yes?
- Did you and Mr. Doubtfire
ever...

You must've had
your share of problems.

Oh, of course, dear.
What marriage doesn't?

But I always say
the bad times fade away

and the good ones adhere
themselves to your memory.

- Yes. Excuse me.
- Oh, it's all right.

Oh, as I hold this cold meat,
I'm reminded of Winston.

- God rest his soul.
- When did he pass on?

Eight years ago, dear,

this November.

- What happened?
- He was quite fond of the drink.

- Ah.
- It was a drink that killed him.

How awful.
He was an alcoholic?

No. He was hit
by a Guinness truck.

So, it was quite literally
the drink that killed him.

- Oh, how tragic.
- Yes.

Oh.

Oh, but he was a good
man, though, really.

A sainted man.

And despite his
mountains of faults--

Dear, I always say a flawed
husband is better than none at
all.

Who needs a husband
when I've got you?

Oh, surely you don't mean that,
dear. -Well--

Oh, that's so sweet.

Can't imagine what it was like
being married to Daniel.

Well, tell me, dear, what was
so horrible about this man

you lived with
for 14 years?

Well, at first, nothing.

He was--
he was so romantic,

- so passionate.
- Really?

He sounds like
an absolute stud, dear.

I hope you don't mind me
being a tad rude,

but how was he?

You know, on a scale
of one to 10?

Oh, well,
that part was always...

okay.

Just okay?

Oh, he's probably a Casanova
compared to poor old Winston.

What was the matter with
Winston? -Oh, dear.

Winston's idea of foreplay was,
"Effie, brace yourself."

(laughs)
Oh.

It was Daniel's spontaneity and
his energy I fell in love with.

Really?

Everyone else I knew was
so organized, so scheduled.

Like me, I guess.

Daniel was so wonderfully
different and funny.

He could always
make me laugh.

They always say the key to a
solid marriage is laughter.

But after a few years,
everything just stopped being
funny.

Why?

I was working all the time

and he was always
between jobs.

I hardly ever
got to see the kids,

and on the nights I would try to
get home early to be with them,

something would go wrong.

The house would be wrecked,
and I'd have to clean it up.

He never knew, but so many
nights, I just cried myself to
sleep.

Really?

The truth is,

I didn't like who I was
when I was with him.

I would turn into
this horrible person.

I didn't want my kids growing up
with a mother like that.

When I'm not with Daniel,
I'm better.

And... I'm sure he's better
when he's not with me.

Well, you never--

I mean, did you ever
say anything to him, dear?

Daniel never liked to
talk about anything serious.

I-- I used to think Daniel
could do anything,

except be serious.

But, then, I was serious
enough for everybody.

(bell clanging)

- Oh.
- NATTIE: This is great!

- Isn't this posh?
- CHRIS: Amazing.

I'll bet
it's very exclusive.

Probably need a credit reference
just to get in the pool.

- Amazing.
- Oh, Nattie,

not a single body
that exists in nature.

Look at that.
Lydie.

- There's Stu.
- Where?

Oh, on the board there.

Oh, isn't he
a stunning piece of work?

Look, Nattie.
That's called liposuction. Mmm.

- MIRANDA: Wow.
- I hope he had protection.

You hit the water at that speed,
God knows what happens.

- Oh. Let's go say hi.
- Let's do, please.

- Wow, it's amazing.
- Stunning.

(grunts)

- Oh, hello. You look lovely.
- Hi.

Oh, guys, I'm so glad
you could make it.

Oh, by the looks of you,
that water's so cold.

- Yes, well--
- Your tummy looks different from
my daddy's.

- Oh, Nattie.
- Well...

- Not everyone has their own
personal trainer.
- (laughs)

Well, guys, you got your
swimsuits? You wanna go for a
dip?

- Oh, great.
- That'd be great.

Good. How about you,
Mrs. Doubtfire?

Oh, you wicked,
wicked man.

Isn't there enough flesh here
for you to feast your eyes on?

Oh, come now, Mrs. Doubtfire,
don't be bashful.

Oh, no, dear. I think
they've outlawed whaling.

We'd be re-enacting
the Titanic.

- Come on, Mrs. Doubtfire.
- Oh, no, no. Just go, leave me
here.

I'll just sit here
in the sun and crisp.

I don't think you can get
heatstroke twice in the same
year.

Okay. Well, let's go, kids.
Swim time.

- Go, go, dear. I'll be fine.
- Come on. Come on.

The day's on me,
Mrs. Doubtfire.

- Anything you need,
just put it on my tab, okay?
- Thank you, dear.

(under breath) Touch me again,
I'll drown you, you bastard.

I'll just sit here and watch
you move in on my family.

Hello, hello.

- And how are you?
- Good.

Oh, God,
what am I doing here?

This is beyond obsession.
Oh, God.

(calypso music playing)

(burps)

- Yes!
- Yeah!

- Okay, Natalie! Ready?
- Okay, Natalie.

There you go!
All right!

Is everything
all right, ma'am?

Fan-bloody-tastic.
Can I have another?

- Sure.
- Great.

- Yes!
- Okay, Chris.

It's our ball! It's our ball!
Our ball!

- Hi.
- Soda with a lime, please.

- (normal voice) It's on me.
- No, thanks.

Four iced teas, Todd.

So, uh,
whose rug rats?

- Miranda Hillard's.
- Miranda Hillard?

Mm-hmm.
The woman I'm seeing.

No kidding. You?
The guy who's never having kids?

Won't have anything
to do with kids?

You won't date a woman
who's got kids.

People change, Ron.
I'm pushing 40.

I don't want to spend
the rest of my life by myself.

She's got an awful lot of
baggage, though. Three kids?

Three terrific kids, and I'm
crazy about them, especially
that little Natalie.

Look at her.
She's a sweetie-pie.

God knows they need some kind of
stable father figure in their
life right now.

- Thanks, Todd.
- What about their real father?

What can I say, Ron? The
guy's a loser. I'll see you.

Loser? You--

(feminine voice)
Oh, sir. I saw it.

Some angry member of the kitchen
staff. Did you not tip them?

Oh, the terrorists.
They ran that way.

It was a run-by fruiting.

I'll get them, sir.
Don't worry.

(clears throat)

Oh.

Oh. Good waste
of juice.

(normal voice)
Loser. (laughs)

What are you looking at?

(whistling)

Hi, boys and girls.

Today we'll be talking
about dinosaurs.

(imitating announcer)
It's a "dinosaurus" line!

(vocalizing)

And please welcome
the king!

(humming Elvis tune)

It's a dinner show.
Hey... hey, where you from?

Thank you, I'm gonna make you
lunch. Thank you very much.

Thank you! All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your claws together!

Please welcome
James Brown-ausarus!

(humming)

(imitating James Brown)
♪ I eat wood, dinna, dinna,
dinna, dinna ♪

♪ It tastes good,
dinna, dinna, dinna, dinna ♪

♪ No meat,
big feet ♪

♪ I eat wood,
pum, pum, pum. ♪

Ow!
Oh, I got to help myself.

Can't go on. Can't go on.
I'm goin' extinct.

Oh, thank you, James.
But right now, yo!

It's time
for the raptor rap!

♪ I'm a raptor,
doin' what I can ♪

♪ Gonna eat everything
till the appearance of man ♪

♪ Yo, yo, see me,
I'm livin' below the soil ♪

♪ I'll be back,
but I'm comin' as oil. ♪

Very impressive,
Mr. Hillard.

I didn't know anybody was
watching. I was just playing.

- I don't think I--
- I was watching. That's funny
stuff.

- Well, thanks.
- I think kids would like it.

They'd be entertained, and
they'd get some information, too.

Yeah, well, that's kind of my
theory. I think you could, you
know,

- you don't have to play down
to 'em, you just play to 'em.
- No.

- Listen, I'd like to hear
some more of your ideas.
- My ideas?

- How about a dinner meeting?
- Oh, okay.

Next Friday, Bridges restaurant.
7:00 sharp.

I'll be there.

Take five.

Take five million.
You're dead.

Well, we've just had
our first home-cooked meal.

I'm domestic now, huh?

CHRIS: This is really terrific,
Dad. -LYDIA: It's great.

DANIEL: You want some more
spaghetti? -No, thanks. I'm
stuffed.

How about garlic bread?
I made it myself.

Well, I didn't make it. I cooked
it, you know, sliced it.

It's okay, Dad.
Thanks.

You know what, the place looks
great. The food's terrific.

I'm really proud of you.

- Yeah, me, too.
- NATTIE: Me, too.

- (knock on door)
- I'll be right back.

- Thank you for knocking.
- Yeah.

Whoa,
look at this.

- I see you got someone
to clean for you.
- No.

(scoffs)
Hi, guys.

- Hi, Mom.
- Mom.

- Are they ready?
- No.

They haven't had
their dessert yet.

- You cooked?
- Yes.

I cook, I bake, I sew.

Thanks to this Amish home study
course, I'm doing quite well.

- I'm very impressed.
- Really?

Give me a second chance, okay?

Let me take the kids
after school.

I can't get rid
of Mrs. Doubtfire.

- She's terrific.
- Come on, Miran. Why not?

She's the best thing
that ever happened to us.

The kids are all
doing better in school.

Chris is passing
every single subject. He is.

I find myself getting home
early just to be with them.

We're all doing so great.

Whew.
Sounds like an amazing woman.

- Too good to be true.
- She is.

- I kind of like the black one.
- Me, too.

I don't know.
Actually-- Mrs. Doubtfire.

- Yes?
- We need another woman's
opinion.

- Oh, then I'm your woman.
- Which one?

- What's the occasion?
- It's my birthday.

- Oh.
- Stu's taking me out to dinner.

Oh.

- Neither.
- Neither?

They're both too brazen, dear.
They cry "harlot," really.

I mean, the red one is the
traditional color for
streetwalkers, dear.

And the black one is far too
short. I hope you waxed.

They both say to me,
"I'm easy."

And you don't want that, dear.
You want to be Kilimanjaro on
your first date--

Inaccessible. Why buy the cow
when you can get the milk for
free?

No, let's find something
more your own age, all right?

Something
a little less tawdry.

Oh, let's see.

How about this
lovely frock?

Tasteful, elegant,
don't you think?

And old. I wore that
to my aunt's funeral in 1976.

Well, a classic
never dies, dear.

- I think it's time to revive it.
- Well, I should ask the kids.

- All right. Let's do that.
- What do you think?

I'd go with
the short black one.

- Yeah, it's the most fun.
- There, you see? I agree.

Fine. I'll get the frock
out of here.

You ask my opinion,
then don't take it.

I will not be held responsible
for your virtue.

Well, you'll be there to
protect me. -I will?

Stu has invited you
and the children to join us.

Oh, how lovely--
one big happy family.

I wouldn't miss that for the
world. Should be smashing good
fun.

- Oh, I'm so glad.
- When does this enchanted
evening take place?

- Friday night, 7:00.
- This Friday at 7:00?

Yes. We're going to my
favorite restaurant-- Bridges.

- Bridges?
- (thuds)

Yes, Friday at 7:00.

Bridges.

- Sorry.
- Yes.

- Bridges?
- Yes, Bridges.

- As in the restaurant, Bridges?
- Friday at 7:00.

- I can't.
- Why not?

Please, don't. No.

- It's bingo night, dear.
- Cancel it.

I can't. It's my turn to
pull the balls at the rectory.

- I can't.
- Mrs. Doubtfire, please join us.

- Don't ask me that, dear.
- I can't have my birthday
without you.

It's so important to me and
the children that you be there.

You're part of the family now.
I can't have a birthday without
you.

It would mean so much
to me and the children. Wouldn't
it?

Please, promise you'll come with
us, Mrs. Doubtfire. You just
have to.

Who could resist
that little face?

- I promise.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, thank you, dear.
Sorry.

- Oh, are you all right?
- I'm fine.

- Let's see. Nothing, nothing.
- Anything in May?

Not a thing.
Doesn't look good.

I'm sorry. Mr. Lundy's
completely booked for the next
two months.

Listen, I'll meet him
anytime, anywhere.

I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.

Please, I can't cancel. I'd be
blowing a huge opportunity.

Take my advice.
Don't cancel.

Thank you.

MRS. DOUBTFIRE:
Come along, Nattie dear.

Hi. Hello,
hello, darling.

- Shouldn't you cover
your shoulders, Miranda?
- No, I'm fine.

- Good evening, Mr. Lundy.
- Good evening.

- (normal voice) Oh, God.
- MIRANDA: This is so sweet of
you.

- Here we go.
- Oh, Mrs. Doubtfire, you look
wonderful.

- Thank you.
- Absolutely wonderful. Come on.

- Good evening, Mr. Lundy.
- I'm meeting someone.

- Has he arrived yet?
- No, I'm sorry.

He hasn't arrived yet. But we
can seat you. Smoking or
nonsmoking?

- Nonsmoking, please.
- Nonsmoking.

- Tanya will seat you. Table 15.
- This way, please.

Uh, reservation.
Dunmeyer.

Yes, sir.
Smoking or nonsmoking?

- Nonsmoking.
- Smoking.

Mrs. Doubtfire, you don't
smoke. -No, I don't, but I did.

- Oh.
- Oh, and, dear, I found the
best way to keep from smoking

and lighting up is to be
around those who do smoke.

I have to randomly ingest
a little bit of nicotine,

- and it steels my wool.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, I know you're Mr. Health.
Bless you for putting yourself
in harm's way.

- Mm. Smoking.
- All right. Table 39. Table 39.

- Thirty-nine. My age.
- Follow me, please.

You're a saint.

- Thank you very much
for humoring an old lady.
- Thank you.

Sweetie, we're going to
have some food right now.

(normal voice) Oh, he's pissed
already. -STU: Mrs. Doubtfire?

- What?
- Would you like to join us?

Ooh, I thought I saw
Clint Eastwood.

That would make my day.

He is such a stud-muffin.

Will you excuse me, dear?
I have to check my wrap.

- I'll do it for you. Yes, yes.
- Oh, no. Please, I'm fine.
I'm quite capable--

All right, dear. Where are you--
There you go.

- Oh, and your bag, too, ma'am.
- All right. Drop it.

Oh, I'm very sorry,
dear, it's my medicine.

I have to go take my medicine
now. -We have water at the
table.

I can't take it
orally, dear.

Will you forgive me?
I'll be right back.

Would you like something to
drink? -Yes. A good, stiff
chardonnay.

I like 'em light and woody.
Thank you.

- (phone rings)
- (clears throat)

Hello. Bridges restaurant.
May I help you?

Yes. My name is
Daniel Hillard.

I believe Mr. Lundy
is expecting me for dinner.

Will you tell him that
I'm running a little late?

I was caught in traffic,
but I'm on my way.

I'll deliver the message
personally, sir. -Thank you.

(exhales)

(gasps)
Oh!

Oh, Stu.

- Wow.
- I hope you like it.

Oh, it's gorgeous.
Thank you.

Ooh!
Did I miss anything?

Well, yes.
Look.

This is the gift that Stu
gave me for my birthday.

- Ooh!
- Let's just try this.

- Is it gorgeous?
- Is it real?

Do you like it? It is very
real, Mrs. Doubtfire.

You can either wear that
or feed a small country.

That's so nice.

- So decadent.
- Mommy, I need to go.

Mrs. Doubtfire, would you take
her? -No. You.

- She wants you, dear.
- Well, I'll be right back.

Okay.
(kissing sounds)

Come on, sweetie.

Yes, well...

Children, look at that
lovely dessert tray over there.

Why don't you pick out what
you'd like now so they can
reserve it?

- All right. We'll be back.
- Thank you. All right.

That's a pretty impressive
bauble you got her.

Hmm? Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Fella gives a gift like that, he
wants more than a piece of her
heart, eh?

Bit of a going down payment,
huh? -Excuse me?

Oh, you know, dear.
Sink the sub.

Hide the weasel?
Park the porpoise?

Bit of the old Humpty Dumpty?
Little Jack Horny?

The horizontal mambo? Hmm?

- Mrs. Doubtfire--
- The bone dance, eh?

Rumple Foreskin.
Baloney bop.

Bit of the old
cunning linguistics.

- Hmm?
- Mrs. Doubtfire, please.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
Am I being a little graphic?
Sorry.

I hope you're up for a little
competition. -I beg your pardon?

She's got a power tool in the
bedroom, dear. It's her personal
jackhammer.

She could break sidewalk
with that thing.

She uses it, and the lights dim.
It's like a prison movie.

Amazed she hasn't
chipped her teeth.

Ooh.

I hope you bring
cocktail sauce.

She's got the crabs, dear,
and I don't mean Dungeness.

I'm being blunt
as a spoon, aren't I?

Forgive me. Ohh.
Mmm.

It's the wine.
Oh, gosh.

Be back in a flush, all right?
My tiny bladder.

- (sighs)
- Uh, Mrs. Doubtfire?

- What?
- You're going into the men's
room.

No.
Oh, so it is.

Oh, I do need
new glasses, dear. Sorry.

Hello?

Aah! Geez! God.

- Excuse me. May I have a menu?
- Of course.

Thank you.

- What's France like?
- STU: France is very beautiful.

Thank you very much.

- Mr. Lundy.
- Oh, hi.

Sorry I'm late. Did you get my
message? -That's all right.

Yes. Sit down. How about a
drink? -Hi.

Oh, sure. I'll have what he's
having. -All righty.

- Double Chivas on the rocks.
- WAITER: Double Chivas on the
rocks.

- Bring him two doubles
so he can catch up.
- Two doubles. Be right back.

- Scotch drinker, huh?
That's my kind of guy.
- Gentlemen, start your engines.

Okay, everybody,
are we ready to order?

Yes, I believe we are.
Uh, children, fire away.

Shouldn't we wait for Mrs.
Doubtfire? -Yes.

- LUNDY: Okay.
- (both chuckling)

- Ahh.
- Ahh.

- Aha!
- Aha!

- Come on.
- WAITER: How are we
doing over here? Okay?

- No, no, no.
- Oh, yes.

- One more for you.
- One more.

(chuckling)
Thank you. All right.

- (exhales)
- Now...

what can you do to help
the ratings on the kid show?

Bottom line, don't
patronize kids, you know?

They're little people.
You gotta personalize it.

Make it fun and entertaining.
If it's something you'd enjoy,

- they'd enjoy it, hmm?
- That's what I'm interested in.

Bingo. Hmm?

Well, I wonder what's
happened to Mrs. Doubtfire?

- We could cross over to--
- Will you excuse me for a
moment?

But--

(panting)
Okay.

Oh, come on.

Whoo.
(sighs)

- May I help you, ma'am?
- Yes, dear. Thank you very much.

- Ohh!
- (gasps)

Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you all
right? -Oh my goodness--

Mrs. Doubtfire, are you all
right? -It's my fault.

- WAITER: My fault.
- STU: Are you all right?

- Forgive me. Excuse me.
- All right. There we go.

Thank you.
Oh, let's see here.

- May I take your order, ma'am?
- Oh, yes. Whoo!

Let's see. I'll have
the poached salmon.

- That will be lovely.
- Yes, ma'am. And you, sir?

I'll have the jambalaya. And
make mine not spicy. I'm
allergic to pepper.

Not spicy.
Certainly, sir.

- Thank you. Cheers. Your health.
- Mmm.

- Oop.
- (giggles)

Oh, my God.
So sorry about that.

Just one moment.
Carpe dentum.

- Seize the teeth.
- Let me assist you.

Oh, dear. A spoon. Oh. How
clever. -A spoon.

- Wait. I've got it.
- Here we go.

Wait, I've got--
There, there, dear. Make a
pincer.

- Come at it from both sides.
- There you go, darling.

That's it. There we go. Very
good. -Oh, oh!

Oh, thank you.
There it is.

Ohh, just shake them off
like a dog.

Sorry.
Oh, forgive me.

- It's all right.
- Sorry about my spray.

I'll be right back.

(lisping) I just have to
reattach them with a little
adhesive.

- Yes. And tell him to puree
the salmon, if you would please.
- Puree the salmon.

Thank you.
Sorry about that.

Oh. That one.

Ooh, I didn't know there was
someone else in here. Sorry.

(zipper zipping) Oh, damn it!
Oh, there it is.

Oh!
(zipper zips)

Excuse me.

CHRIS: I heard the food's
really good in France.

They have bread this big.

(grunts)

Mmm. Where the hell
have you been?

I took the liberty of
ordering you another scotch.

- Bully!
- Ah! Drink up.

Mmm.

(sniffs)
Daniel?

- Hmm?
- Are you wearing ladies perfume?

(sniffs)

Yes, I am.

Are you wearing lipstick?

Yeah.

Why?

- Rubbed off.
- From whom?

Girl I used to date.
She's a waitress.

- Waitress? Here?
- Oh, yeah.

On the way
to the bathroom.

Couldn't keep
her hands off me.

(chortles)
You dog.

You old scalawag.

Hey, hey.

- I got the stretch outside.
- Oh.

Does your girlfriend have a
girlfriend? -Hey, it's the '90s.

No, no.
I mean...

does she have
a lady friend for me?

- Go ahead. Ask her.
- I'll go ask her.

Go ahead.
Come on. Go get 'em.

Whew.

- Hey, Dan. Dan!
- Yeah?

Hey, I need my orders
for table 39.

Relax. They'll be out in a
minute. -Thank you. Great. Geez.

(chuckles)
Thirty-nine.

(speaks Italian)
Thirty-nine!

Twenty-six, 17.
Let's get these orders out.

Hot jambalaya!

Yes.

Yes.

- Can I help you, ma'am?
- (normal voice) Oh, Sorry I'm
late.

But after all those scotches,
I had to piss like a racehorse.

Mmm.

- Daniel?
- Yeah?

Why in God's name are you
dressed like a woman?

(quietly)
Oh, damn. I--

Well...

I'd like you to meet
the host of your new show.

Host?

(feminine voice)
Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear.

I specialize in the education
and entertainment of children.

(normal voice)
Surprise. (laughs)

Oh, thank you very much.
This looks terrific, eh?

- Where's Mrs. Doubtfire?
- Well, I hope the dear lady's
all right.

- Shall we start?
- Yes. Yes, let's start.

I don't want it to get cold. Go
ahead. -Bon appétit.

All right, tell me. Why would
Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host?

I'm a hip old granny
who could hip-hop, bebop,

dance till you drop, and yo,
yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.

(coughing)

- Stu?
- (coughing, choking)

Stu.
Oh, he's choking.

He's choking! He's choking!
Somebody, help!

- We need a doctor.
- Somebody's choking.

He's choking!
Help us! Oh, God.

- He's choking here! Call 9-1-1.
- Oh, no. I killed the bastard.

He's choking! Mrs. Doubtfire!
Help us, he's choking.

- Help is on the way, dear!
- Mrs. Doubtfire!

- Help is on the way!
- Mrs. Doubtfire!
Mrs. Doubtfire, he's choking!

Hold on, dear.
Let me get the stuff free.

(grunting)
One more time, dear.

Oh, no. Work with me.
Come on! Come on!

- (Mrs. Doubtfire grunting)
- Oh, my God.

Here! Come on!
(grunts)

(grunts, yells)

(gasps)
I'm okay. I'm okay.

(normal voice) You all right
there? -Yes.

Almost lost you.

Oh, Dad.

Oh, my...

Daddy?

Yeah, honey.
It's me.

- (screams)
- Happy birthday.

(cries out)
Daniel? Daniel.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
The whole time--

The whole time you were--
the whole time?

- Oh, I'm sorry, Miranda. Please.
- Don't talk to me!

Don't touch me!
Don't touch me. I have to go.

We have to leave now.
I have to leave.

We have to leave now.
I have to go. We're going.

- You guys go.
- I'm sorry, Dad.

Bye.

Sorry about the pepper.
(mumbles)

- Yeah.
- Okay. (clears throat)

(clears throat)

What are you looking at?
Show's over.

JUDGE: Uh, Miss Robeson,
do you have any closing remarks?

Nothing further,
Your Honor.

Well, Mr. Hillard,

since you've determined to
act as your own attorney,

you are entitled to make a
closing statement at this time.

(clears throat)

Your Honor,
in the past two months,

I have secured a residence,

I've refurbished
that residence

and made it an environment
fit for children.

Those are your words.

I'm also holding a job
as a shipping clerk.

So I believe I met your
requirements ahead of schedule.

In regards to my behavior,

I can only plead insanity,

because ever since
my children were born,

the moment I looked at them,
I was crazy about them.

And once I held them,
I was hooked.

I'm addicted
to my children, sir.

I love them
with all my heart,

and the idea of someone
telling me I can't be with them,

I can't see them every day...

it's like someone saying
I-I can't have air.

I can't live without air,
and I can't live without them.

Listen, I would do anything.
I just want to be with them.

You know,
I need that, sir.

We have a history.

And I just--
They mean everything to me.

And they need me
as much as I need them.

So please, don't take
my kids away from me.

Thank you.

Mr. Hillard, you've been
able to fool a lot of people

into believing that
you're a 60-year-old woman.

No easy task.

And your little speech
seemed to be...

very heartfelt
and genuine.

But I believe it to be

a terrific performance
by a very gifted actor.

- Nothing more.
- No, it's not that.

The reality,
Mr. Hillard,

is that your lifestyle
over the past months

has been very unorthodox.

And I refuse to further subject
three innocent children

to your peculiar and
potentially harmful behavior.

It is this court's decision to
award full custody to Mrs.
Hillard.

- Oh, God. No, sir. Please.
- You will have supervised
visitation every Saturday.

- Supervised, sir?
- Yes. A court liaison will
accompany you

when you spend time
with the children.

I am suggesting a period
of psychological testing,

and perhaps treatment
for you, Mr. Hillard.

We will reexamine this case
one year from now.

- Thank you. Court is adjourned.
- (gavel bangs)

I don't do laundry. I don't do
windows. I don't do carpets.

I don't do bathtubs.
I don't do toilets. And I don't
do diapers.

Well, my children have been
potty-trained for quite some
time.

Hmm, well, I don't do washing.
I don't do basements.

I don't do dinners.
I don't do reading.

Ah. Yes.

Well, we have your number.
Thank you so much for coming.

- We'll be getting back to you.
- Thank you.

I'll show you
to the door.

- Yes. Here we are. Please.
- (door unlocks, closes)

- Laura, that shipment
has been delayed three times.
- Well...

Yes, but-- Laura, I'm not going
to wait another six months for
it.

- Okay, I'll try the number.
- You do that.

- Call me back.
- (telephone beeps)

Oh, guys, please
don't be so depressed.

Everything's
gonna be all right.

- I miss her spaghetti.
- I miss her jokes.

I miss her stories.

Don't worry.
We will find someone.

There are plenty of people out
there. -Nobody like her.

All right, I admit, things were
a lot nicer when she was around.

The house was so warm
and cozy, and...

the beds were always made
and the dinner was-- She isn't
real.

We have to stop referring to her
as if she were a real person.

MRS. DOUBTFIRE:
Hello, my dears!

We have
a wonderful show today.

We have Mr. Van Zandt
from the Sierra Club,

and he's going to bring some
animals that are endangered
species.

Do you know what that means,
poppets? -Wait a minute.

- Did you say "puppet"?
- Oh, no, dear.

Oh, it's Kovacs. Welcome,
Kovacs. -Hi, guys.

Did you say "extinction"?
Did you smell something?
Something stinks?

I'm not talking about something
smelling bad. I'm talking about
extinction.

That means when there's no
more of a particular animal.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Doesn't that make you a little
mad?

- It makes me very mad.
- Well, tell people about it.

I'm mad. You know why?
Because next it's the chimps.

That's right. There are fewer
chimps in the world than there
used to be.

Doesn't it make you mad that
humans are playing your parts in
movies?

Ooh, Cheetah, Planet of the
Apes. -Right.

Who gets his role?
Roddy McDowell.

- I'd do better than that.
- Ooh!

I'd do better than Charlton
Heston. -And your rug is better, too.

- Ooh, much better.
- You could fly to Persia on that
rug.

- But, you know, boys and girls,
that's all--
- What the-- (laughing)

Shall we tell them where
we're going tomorrow, Kovacs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They want to
know. -Tomorrow, poppets,

we're taking
a wonderful trip,

but you don't have to
pack your bags

because we're going in our
mind. -That's right.

We're going across the Atlantic
Ocean to England where I came
from.

- You came from England, huh?
- I did, dear. It's a wonderful
country.

- Do you know about England?
- I know that it's an island.

It's a island, dear, and a
glorious one. -Mm-hmm.

- Because they have a queen
and they have a royal family.
- And a lot of-- Ooh.

- Oh, just like a poker game.
- It's a full house.

Couple of the cards aren't
living at home anymore.

Not anymore, dear.
Thanks to mobile phones.

- No, no.
- Oh.

- Do you know what language
they speak in England?
- Pakistani.

Oh, that's right, Kovacs,
in many stores they do,

but we'll get into that
tomorrow, boys and girls.

You owe me a kiss, Kovacs.

- I'm going to give you two.
- All right, dear.

- Here's one on the cheek.
- All right, mm.

- And here's a monkey bite!
- (screams)

Oh! Oh, you wicked,
wicked monkey! Oh!

Well, that's all
for today. Bye-bye.

MAN: Cut.

That's a wrap, folks.
Thank you very much.

- That was terrific.
- That was good.

We're a smash.
Number one in our time slot.

- Yeah?
- Yes. Calls from Detroit,

Cleveland, Chicago, Los
Angeles-- -Ooh.

- All with offers to syndicate.
- Hollywood.

- Whoo!
- Daniel? Daniel?

Yes? Miranda.

Could I talk to you?

Yeah. I'll be right out.
Just wait here.

Welcome to
Euphegenia's house.

A little drafty,
but, you know, it's nice.

What can I do for you?

Well, first of all,
congratulations on the show.

Well, thanks. You got to see
the dress rehearsal, you know.

We've--

the kids-- we've been
watching every day.

Well, it's nice to know
they can see me every day.

Look, Daniel, I know
it's going to take a long time

to get over all the fights

and all the horrible things
we said to each other.

It's, uh, it's so hard.

But I know somehow, you and I
will be all right. We'll get
through this.

But the kids--
I-I--

I don't want to
hurt our children.

So what do you
want me to do?

You want me to pretend like
everything's all right?
Put on a happy face, smile?

Jesus, Miranda. You took
my children away from me.

I can only see them now
with supervision--

some woman who comes
and watches me with the kids,

like I'm some
sort of deviant.

If I try to hug 'em,
she wonders why.

You know what that's like?

You just sat there in that
courtroom. You knew the truth.

You didn't say a word, and you
let that judge pass that
despicable sentence.

I was angry. Look, you hurt me,
too. -(scoffs)

- You ripped my heart out.
You come back to do it again?
- You know what?

- What?
- I don't want to do this
anymore.

I don't want to do any more
"Who did what to whom?"

Ever since this happened, I've
been trying to make sense out of
it,

and the only thing I know
to be true in my heart

is the children
were happier

when Mrs. Doubtfire
was part of their lives.

Oh. Yeah.

She... she brought out
the best in them.

She brought out the best in
you. -And you.

Yeah.

They miss her terribly.

- What are you saying?
- Daniel, the kids need you.

I need them.

Well, tomorrow, we'll have
Frank, who is a makeup artist--

- (knock)
- Oh, a big knock at the door.

Who could that be,
and do we have enough time?

Mr. Sprinkles,
boys and girls.

Hello, Mr. Sprinkles.
What do you have for me today?

- Mrs. "Doubtflyer," I've got
a letter from Katie...
- (doorbell rings)

It's the new babysitter.

Come on, guys. Come on.
Get up. Let's go.

Come on.

It's gonna be all right.
Chris, wait right over there.

Everybody...

Daddy.

- Hi.
- What's going on?

I'm here to pick you up.

Your dad's going to take you
for a few hours

- every day after school.
- Really?

What about the courts?
That legal stuff?

- Ask your mom.
- I took care of it.

No more supervised visits.
No more court liaison.

- Just us?
- Just us.

(chuckles)

Go get Mr. Bear.

- Go get your stuff. Hurry up.
- All right.

- Would you like to come in?
- I'll wait outside.

Okay.

Thank you.

I'll see you.

(feminine voice)
"Dear Mrs. Doubtfire,

two months ago, my mom
and dad decided to separate.

Now they live
in different houses.

My brother Andrew says that we
aren't a real family anymore.

Is this true?
Did I lose my family?

Is there anything I could do to
get my parents back together?

Sincerely,
Katie McCormick."

Oh, my dear Katie.

You know, some parents,
when they're angry,

they get along much better
when they don't live together.

They don't fight all the time
and they can become better
people,

and much better mommies
and daddies for you.

And sometimes
they get back together.

And sometimes
they don't, dear.

And if they don't,
don't blame yourself.

Just because they don't
love each other anymore,

doesn't mean that
they don't love you.

There are all sorts of
different families, Katie.

Some families
have one mommy.

Some families have one daddy
or-or two families.

And some children live
with their uncle or aunt.

Some live with their
grandparents, or some children
live with foster parents.

And some live in separate homes
in separate neighborhoods

in different areas
of the country.

And they may not see each other
for days, weeks, months,

or even years at a time.

But if there's love, dear...

those are the ties
that bind.

And you'll have a family
in your heart forever.

All my love to you, poppet.

You're going to be all right.

Bye-bye.

(music playing)