Original subtitles

("Figaro" playing)

♪ Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! ♪

♪ Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! ♪

♪ Figaro! ♪

♪ Son qua ♪

♪ Ehi, Figaro! Son qua ♪

♪ Figaro qua, Figaro là, Figaro qua, Figaro là ♪

♪ Figaro su, Figaro giu, Figaro su, Figaro giu ♪

♪ Pronto prontissimo son come il fulmine ♪

♪ Sono il factotum della città, della città ♪

♪ Della città, della città, della città ♪

Whew!

♪ Ah, bravo Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo ♪

♪ A te fortuna, a te fortuna ♪

♪ A te fortuna non mancherà... ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ A te fortuna, a te fortuna a te fortuna non mancherá ♪

♪ Sono il factotum della città ♪

♪ Della città,

♪ Della città. ♪

(gulps)

(low-pitched voice) Salutations, snack.

(high-pitched voice) Yipe. On second thought,

(normal voice) Yipe!

(high-pitched voice) 9-1-1! 9-1-1!

Police, civic authorities! A. S. P. C. A. A. S. A. P!

Murder, betrayal, kidnapped-- no, birdnapped!

(low-pitched voice) A cup of garlic,

a twist of parakeet.

Eat your heart out, Julia Child.

(high-pitched voice) Excuse me, but isn't it customary

for the jailbird to get one telephone call?

(low-pitched voice) In your case, I think not.

Afternoon snacks have very few civil liberties,

but I'm not wholly without heart.

How about a nice, soothing cigarette?

(spitting, gagging)

(high-pitched voice) I will not do this. I cannot.

Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die!

I don't want to get beak cancer.

No! My lungs are blackened.

Here we go again. Cut, cut, cut. -(coughing)

Roll it back. What are you doing? -Help me. Help me.

Daniel, that line is not in the script. Why did you add it?

- Well, I thought I should comment on the situation. - What situation?

The fact that Pudgie the Parrot has a cigarette

shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible.

This is a cartoon, okay?

This is not a friggin' Oprah Winfrey special.

Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon.

It's like sending each one of them a packet of cigarettes and saying, "Light up."

You can't put words in Pudgie's mouth if his mouth isn't moving.

Well, it's voice-over. It's an interior monologue.

Maybe even the voice of God. That's even better.

(low voice) Don't, Pudgie. Don't smoke.

- Actors. - What? Well, let's ask the technicians.

Do you think it's morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America?

(whistles) They're biased. That's a mistrial.

Daniel, listen to me.

This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars.

Now, if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script.

If you want to play Gandhi,

then do it on somebody else's time.

(imitating Gandhi) Then I've got to do what I've got to do.

That's very funny. Where the hell are you going?

Hey, listen, buddy, I'll tell you something.

If you leave, you're not coming back in.

I'm not taking any crap from you, pal.

Well, in the words of Porky Pig--

(stammering) P-p-p-p-piss off, Lou.

(music playing)

GIRL: So what aboutthat history test? -BOY: Don't ask.

GIRL: Did you have fun in school today? -I painted a picture...

- Oh, yeah? - ...of a rainbow.

- (whistles) - BOTH: Dad?

Daddy!

Daddy!

Yow! Oh!

Oh, thanks.

I thought you couldn't pick us up.

Well, I got off early.

- You mean you got fired. - No, I quit for reasons of conscience.

- Actors. - (surfer accent) Hey, dude!

Congratulations on your 12th birthday.

- Thanks. - All right. I got a surprise for ya.

- A stripper? - Ooh, please.

- Two strippers? - Hoo-hah, boy!

- A party? - Yes!

- No. No parties. - Yes.

Mom said you couldn't have one because of your report card.

(imitating Jack Nicholson) Mom's not gonna be home for another four hours, is she?

(laughing)

Prepare yourself for the wild kingdom, hmm?

(hissing)

- (children shouting) - (horse whinnying)

(donkey braying)

(lamb bleating)

Coming up toward the very end. There she goes at the very end.

And she wins that race.

Come on off now. Here we go. (grunting)

Okay. You want to feed him?

(quacking)

See if this guy will. Want some?

- (coughs) - Oops. Sorry.

WOMAN: Shoo! Get out!

(clucking)

Get out! Go!

Shoo! Shoo!

- (pig squealing) - Oh!

(quacking)

Oh!

WOMAN: Gregory, Henderson, and Hillard.

- Miranda Hillard, please. - (rooster crowing)

MIRANDA: I know what you're going for with these murals,

but perhaps if they weren't so large.

And let's do steel windows, not wood. -MAN: Uh-huh.

Eliminate the Oriental rug.

- Let's try an Aubusson carpet. - Mm-hmm.

Uh, more pink than red.

- MAN: Good idea. - WOMAN: I like that.

Union Square Inn. Ah, this is better.

More Arts and Crafts, a Dirk van Ark lamp, a Stickley chair.

- Don't be seduced by chintz. - Excuse me.

- Miranda, can I speak to you for a couple minutes? - Yes. Excuse me.

- WOMAN: Certainly. - Just be one minute.

I just got off the phone with a Stuart Dunmeyer.

- Stuart Dunmeyer? - Mm-hmm.

- He said you were acquaintances. - Stuart Dunmeyer?

Yeah. He's putting millions of dollars into restoring

that old Wellman mansion up on Nob Hill.

He wants to make it into a $500-a-night B&B.

Yes. I read about it.

- He's been doing very well. - Mm-hmm.

That's him. And he specifically asked for you, Miranda.

- He did? - Yeah.

So I told him you'd get in touch with him first thing tomorrow.

- Yes, I will. - Miss Hillard?

The operator has a Gloria Chaney on hold.

- She says it's an emergency. - Excuse me.

Gloria?

(hip-hop blaring)

♪ Pack it up, pack it in ♪

♪ Let me begin, I came to win ♪

- ♪ Battle me, that's a sin... ♪ - God.

- This your residence, ma'am? - Yes. I'm sorry to say it is.

Are you aware that it's illegal to possess animals

of a barnyard nature in a residential area, ma'am?

- What if you're married to one? - We're also responding to a noise ordinance violation.

Believe me, I'm gonna respond myself. I'm awfully sorry about this.

I'll get back-- You ate my begonias! God!

(music continues)

- Get out of my way. - (bell jingling)

♪ I came to get down, I came to get down ♪

♪ So get off your seat and jump around ♪ -(children shouting)

♪ Jump around ♪

♪ Jump around ♪

♪ Jump around ♪

♪ Jump up, jump up and get down ♪

♪ Jump, jump, jump, everybody jump ♪

♪ Jump, jump,

jump, jump, jump, jump ♪

♪ Everybody jump,

♪ Everybody jump, jump, jump, jump, jump... ♪

Oh, shoo! Git! Git!

♪ I'm the cream of the crop, I rise to the top ♪

♪ I never eat a pig 'cause a pig is a cop ♪

♪ Or better yet, a Terminator like Arnold Schwarzenegger ♪

♪ Tryin' to play me out like as if my name was Sega ♪

♪ I'm comin' to getcha, I'm comin' to getcha ♪

♪ Spittin' out lyrics, homie, I'm with ya ♪

♪ I came to get down, I came to get down ♪

♪ So get out your seat and jump around ♪ -Ha!

- Miranda! Whasup? - ♪ Jump around ♪

You're home early, girlfriend.

- Having a birthday in the house. - ♪ Jump up, jump up and get down... ♪

What the hell is going on around here?

Don't get mad, honey.

Listen. You're home a little early.

I was gonna have everything cleaned up before you got home.

♪ Jump, jump, jump, jump ♪

♪ Jump, jump, everybody, jump, jump, jump... ♪

Honey? Honey, what are you looking for?

Honey, I'd be careful. That pony had a lot of water.

- (grunts) - (music stops)

Party's over.

DANIEL: Oh, that's great.

She called you, and you bust the birthday party! That's great!

MIRANDA: Don't you dare make me out to be the monster here, Daniel! Don't you dare!

You have all the fun, and I get whatever's left over.

- Oh, you chose the career-- - I have no choices here, Daniel!

I have no choices!

Even when I try to do something fun,

you have to do it ten times bigger.

I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts.

You bring home the goddamn San Diego Zoo,

and I have to clean up after it. -Oh, I'm sorry,

but it's not toxic waste, just a few party plates, eh!

Why am I the only one that feels there has to be rules?

- Oh, right. - Why do you always make me out to be the heavy?

I don't make you out to be anything. You do it yourself quite naturally.

You set me up, Daniel, every time. -I don't set you--

Oh, lighten up, will you?

Just realize you're spending too much time

with those corporate clones you used to despise.

I spend too much time with you, Daniel. It's over!

It's over. (sighs)

Come on, Miranda. Listen, we've got problems, but who doesn't?

We can work 'em out. What are you talking about, "It's over"?

We've been trying to work them out for 14 years.

Come on. Please.

Listen, maybe we need some help, okay?

Maybe we can go to a family therapist.

- They'll help us through this together. - It's too late for that.

Well, let's take a vacation together

with the kids, as a family.

Get you away from work, you're a different person.

You really are. You're great.

Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.

Well, we'll move,

and hopefully our problems won't follow us.

Daniel, please don't joke.

Okay.

We-- we've just grown apart.

We're different. We have nothing in common.

Oh, sure we do. We love each other.

Come on, Miran.

We love each other.

Don't we?

I want a divorce.

No.

We can't. We're a family, you know?

I'm so sorry.

(music playing)

Yeah, Ma. He told me all about it.

- Yeah, Ma, I heard, I heard. - MA (on phone): I wanna talk to him.

- Well, yeah, he's here. - No.

- MA: Frank. - Ma, he's not really in the mood to talk.

- Is he depressed or what? - Yeah. Depressed, you know.

- I mean, his marriage is ending. - My marriage is not ending.

It's just on hiatus.

MA: I mean, I really want to talk to him about it.

Ma, I think he's in a little bit of denial.

No. We're taking good care of your little boy. Don't worry, Mom.

- Hi, Evelyn. Thanks for the jam. - She says you're welcome.

- MA: The concealer? - Oh, I don't know.

Uh, that beige concealer,

- do you know when we're getting more of it? - Next week.

- You hear that, Ma? Next week. - MA: Oh, I'm so glad.

Hang on. Enough already. It's a man.

- How would you know? - Bitch.

This is your mother you're talking to. -No, Ma, not you.

- I was talking about the dog. - (meows)

Ma, listen, uh, we got people waiting for us on the set.

Oh, yeah. It's a busy life, Ma.

- Places to go, faces to paint. - Oh, I know, but tell Danny...

- Yeah, I'll tell him, Ma. - I want him to come.

- Don't wor-- I'll tell him. - MA: I would love it.

Yeah. Hold on, Ma.

She wants to know if you want to come stay with her.

No way.

He says he'll think about it, Ma.

I will. All right. I love you, too.

- Bye, Ma. - Bye-bye.

Hey, listen.

You know you can always stay with us

just as long as you want.

Thank you.

But I'm okay, really. I mean, this is...

this is just a temporary thing.

I know Miranda. It's gonna blow over.

Mr. and Mrs. Hillard,

although these custody proceedings

have always tended to favor the mother,

we also realize, perhaps now more than ever,

that it is not in a child's best interest

to deprive him or her of an obviously loving father.

However, since at the present time,

Mr. Hillard has no place to live

and no employment...

it is the court's ruling to award sole custody to Mrs. Hillard.

- Congratulations. - No.

JUDGE: Mr. Hillard will have visitation rights every Saturday.

- Can't you do something? - He's already made his decision.

Isn't it traditional to say something like, "I object" or something?

Your Honor, please.

I mean, every Saturday. That's one day a week.

That's not enough.

I have to be with my children. It's not a question, really.

I mean, I have to be with them, sir, please.

I know it seems like a lot, but for me, it's not enough, really.

I haven't been away from 'em

for more than one day since the day they were born.

Mr. Hillard, I would like to add that this ruling is only temporary.

- Oh, good. - I will assign a court liaison to oversee your case,

and there will be a continuance of these proceedings in 90 days.

I'm giving you three months, Mr. Hillard. -Thank you.

Three months in which to get a job, keep it,

and create a suitable home.

If this proves to be a possibility for you,

I will consider a joint-custody arrangement when we reconvene.

- We're adjourned. - (gavel pounds)

Well, it looks like there's a little light at the end of our tunnel, eh?

(music playing)

- That's all my stuff. - This is all my fault.

God, no. Why would you think that?

I should've never had a birthday, Dad.

- This never would've happened. - Yes, it would.

It was an accident waiting to happen.

Okay? You did nothing wrong.

You got that?

Hey, give me five.

Hey. (chuckling)

You're the man of the house now.

Don't be messy, okay?

- You can't go now. - Honey, I have to.

We're in the middle of Charlotte's Web.

Who's gonna finish it?

Well, Grandma will finish it for you.

(whispering) She's not as good.

She always skips parts,

and she never does the voices.

She smells funny, too.

That's the formaldehyde.

That's why Granny's so well preserved.

Mm-hmm. Hey, come here.

(chuckles) Hey.

It's the same as always. We just have a really big backyard.

- Okay? - I love you.

I love you.

Okay. I'll miss you.

Saturday comes real quick.

I'll miss you.

Ditto.

Oh, Dad.

- Take care of her. - Okay.

Bye-bye. Hey.

(chuckling)

Thanks for the time, Warden. Bye.

Bye, Dad.

(car starts)

As your court liaison, I will be looking at two things--

your living environment--

It's more like a habitat, really.

And I will be coming by on Monday

and Friday evenings to inspect it.

(Southern accent) Well, I'll put on a chicken.

And of course, there's always the job issue.

This is the nearest employment office.

I've taken the liberty of making an appointment for you.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, do you have any special skills?

Oh, yes. I do. I do voices.

What do you mean, you do voices?

(German accent) Well, I do voices.

Yes!

(imitating alien) We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life.

Oops, we made a mistake.

(Russian accent) Happy to be in America.

Don't ask for green card.

(imitating monster) I want you in the worst way.

(imitating Groucho Marx) This is a certainly rough meeting,

and it's not going very well for me, I'll tell you that.

(imitating Chico Marx) Boss, give her a chance.

She's gonna loosen up any moment.

(imitating Sean Connery) Look at me right now, Moneypenny.

I want to undo that bow and get to know ya.

I'm crazy to make a deal with you!

(imitating Reagan) Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head.

(imitating Walter Brennan) This is it. You're doing it. I'm sitting on a gold mine.

(imitating Humphrey Bogart) Don't make me smack you, sweetheart, I'll do it.

(Pudgie voice) ♪ Figaro. ♪

I do a great impression of a hot dog.

- (chuckling) - Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?

I used to.

There was a time when I found myself funny,

but today, you have proven me wrong.

Thank you.

I-- listen, bottom line,

I need to be with my children,

and I'll do anything to do that.

You just tell me what to do.

(bell rings)

- Excuse me. - Yeah?

- You Tony? - That's me.

Hi. I'm Daniel Hillard, the actor.

Follow me.

- (bell rings) - Oh, films.

Will I be introducing these movies on air?

- Not exactly. - What do I do?

Well, you take all these cans, you box 'em, and you ship 'em.

Then you box those cans over there, ship them.

Then more of them will come in.

You box those, you ship those.

Any questions?

After you box 'em...

You ship 'em.

Lots of luck, smart-ass.

I think I made a friend.

This way. Miranda.

Stu!

(clears throat)

Hello, Miranda.

- It's been a long time. - Yes.

Yeah.

Um, Mr. Dunmeyer's come by to look over your sketches.

Um...

let me show you to the conference room.

MIRANDA: As you probably know, the estate was built in 1876.

Now, these sketches are meant to reflect

your desire to have it completely restored.

You look better than ever.

The lobby will resemble a music salon

with a great deal of inspiration from the French Second Empire.

I was thinking a 17th century grand piano--

You realize I've been following your career in the trades these past couple of years.

A tufted sofa, a Flemish tapestry,

a brass-bound Regency-style table--

I'd love to get reacquainted...

catch up.

Mantel clocks,

fringed upholstered chairs, drapes-- heavy drapes.

Can we talk over dinner maybe?

Oh, Stuart, thank you.

I-- I--

I-- I'm at the beginning of a divorce.

It just didn't work out.

Oh, Miranda, I'm sorry.

Look, you don't have to say that. -No, really.

I mean, I never held any grudges or anything.

I just--

Well, I always hoped you'd find happiness.

Oh, God, that's so nice.

I mean, I was worried about coming in here.

I thought I might scare you off the project.

Oh, no, no, no, of course not.

I-- I'm a professional.

I-- I-- I was flattered that you thought of me

after all these years and everything.

Everything. Well...

ancient history.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm late.

I've got a meeting over at the bank.

- Oh. - Okay. Um...

Can we talk maybe later in the week? -Sure.

It's good to see you again.

(people shouting)

DANIEL: Mmm, good, huh?

I know the place doesn't look like much now,

but it'll be okay.

- How do you like it? - Nice.

- It's okay. - Detestable.

Hey, just give me some time.

I'm not too comfortable with this new lifestyle.

- Neither are we. - I know it's hard, sweetie.

Can't you just tell Mom you're sorry?

Wish I could.

You know, grown-up problems,

they're a little more complicated, Nattie.

How is the old battle-ax?

(chuckles) Your mom.

- She's fine. - Oh.

I'm glad to hear that.

I'd hate to think that she came down with amebic dysentery or...

piles.

What's amebic dysentery?

Well, it's some kind of infection in your tummy

where you get diarrhea forever.

- Diarrhea forever? - That's enough.

Your body dries up, and you die.

- DANIEL: No. - You die?

You don't have to be so graphic with her.

I read it in a science book.

Why would you want Mommy to die?

Oh, honey, I don't want Mommy to die.

Then why did you say that?

Look, Dad, you're not trying very hard.

We only get to come here once a week.

That's not very much.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I'll try harder.

Nattie, I'll think good thoughts, okay?

About Mommy?

I'll try. I really will.

- And call her a princess. - Oh. Oh, yes.

Yeah. And right now I feel like a toad.

Like, blech.

- (both laughing) - Daddy's a toad.

(horn honks)

- That's Mom. - No, that's not.

- Can't be. She's an hour early. - Come on, Nattie. We gotta go.

- NATTIE: Okay. - No. Come on. Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down!

You don't have to run off when she honks the horn.

Come on. You're on my time now.

You're my goddamn kids, too!

Come on. Hey.

Hi.

Oh, Daniel, charming.

Thank you, Miranda. I was going kind of for a refugee motif.

You know, fleeing my homeland kind of thing.

But look at you.

This lovely Dances With Wolves motif.

What's your Indian name, Shops With a Fist?

Are my children ready yet?

No, our children are not ready yet, because you are an hour early,

and you were an hour late dropping them off.

Daniel, I'm really sorry, but I don't have time for this.

All right? I have to go to the bank and the market.

I have to drop something off at the newspaper office.

- Newspaper? - I'm sorry.

Are you taking out one of those personal ads?

"D.W.F. seeks W. W. M. with BMW, into light B&D."

I'm placing an ad for a housekeeper.

A housekeeper?

Why do you need a housekeeper?

I need someone to be there when the children get home

from school, to clean, possibly start dinner.

- How much are you gonna pay this person? - $300 a week.

- Is that all right? - Three hun--

May I see the ad?

- (scoffs) All right. - Miranda, just let me look at the ad.

- I have a right as their father. - All right. Here you go. Anything else you wanna see?

- Are you offering? - Not anymore.

What's the change?

- You guys all right? - Yeah, Mommy, we're fine.

- (sniffs, groans) - Hey, Miranda.

Why don't you let me take care of the kids?

I'll pick 'em up after school,

they can be with me for a couple of hours,

and then I'll drop them off at your house after work.

- Oh, Mom, that'd be great. - Yeah.

- Look, the kids love it. - NATTIE: Please! Please!

I'll think about it.

We're his goddamn kids, too.

Kids say the darnedest things.

(chuckles) Thank you.

Any other choice phrases

you'd like to teach our five-year-old, Daniel?

Oh! Come on. Everybody get their coats.

- Come on. - Okay.

Put them on, and let's get out of here.

- LYDIA: Okay, Mom. - I would say go to the bathroom before we go,

but I don't think that's a good idea.

All right.

I hope you didn't eat much of that.

- Come on, don't forget anything. I don't want to come back. - All right.

Come on. Let's go.

- See you Saturday. - Say good-bye to your father.

- Bye, Daddy. - See ya later.

Bye, Dad.

- There's your ad. - Have to get my purse.

Yeah, get it.

- (telephone ringing) - MIRANDA: Hello?

Are you calling in response to the ad?

- FEMININE VOICE: Uh-huh. - Tell me, who was your previous employer?

I was in a band-- Severe Tire Damage.

- In a band? - I just wanna know one thing.

Are your kids well-behaved,

or do they need, like, a few light slams every now and then?

Um, I'll have to get back to you.

Wow.

(German accent) Yeah, my name is Ilsa Himmelman.

And I want to know how many children do you have?

- I have two girls and a boy. - Oh, a boy.

I don't work with the males, 'cause I used to be one.

Yikes!

(telephone rings)

- Hello. - (screams)

(Southern accent) Layla, get back in your cell!

Don't make me get the hose!

(soft voice) Hello.

(Spanish accent) I am job.

Do you speak English?

I am job.

I'm sorry. The position has been filled.

Oh, what a nightmare.

Let's go in for the kill.

(telephone ringing)

- Hello? - (feminine voice, English accent) Hello?

I'm calling in regards to the ad I read in the paper.

Yes.

Well, would you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Oh, certainly, dear.

For the past 15 years,

I have worked for the Smythe family of Elbourne, England.

That's "Smythe," not "Smith," dear.

And for them, I did housecleaning, cooking,

and took care of their four glorious children.

Oh, I grew quite attached to them after 15 years,

but they grew up, as children tend to do.

Oh, but listen to me, I'm going on

when you should be telling me about your little ones.

Well, I have two girls--

Oh, two precious gems.

No doubt, the jewel of your eye.

- And one boy. - Oh, the little prince. How wonderful.

I must tell you, there would be a little light cooking required.

Oh, I don't mind that, dear.

I'd love some heavy cooking, but I do have one rule--

they'll only eat good, nutritious food with me.

And If there's any dispute about that,

it's either good, wholesome food or empty tummies.

That's my rule. I hope it's not too harsh for you, dear.

No. Um...

would you mind coming on an interview, say, Monday night at 7:30?

- Oh, I'd love to, dear. - Wonderful.

I'm at 2640 Steiner Street.

Steiner. Oh, how lovely.

- Could you tell me your name? - My name?

I thought I gave it to you, dear. -No.

Oh!

- Doubtfire. - I beg your pardon?

Doubtfire, dear. Mrs. Doubtfire.

Well, I look forward to meeting you. -Oh, lovely, dear.

Me, too.

- Bye-bye. - Ta-ta.

Showtime. (chuckles)

- Daniel, hi. - Could you make me a woman?

Honey, I'm so happy!

- Oh, come in. - I knew you'd understand.

- Is this gonna hurt? - Don't whine. Just relax.

- Are you sure? - Just remember-- pain is beauty.

Okay, here we go. Take a deep breath.

- Instant eye lift. - Whoa.

And you'll never see the strings.

They'll be under the wig.

The man has 5:00 shadow at 8:30 a. m.,

and you're worried about strings?

All right. We'll start with makeup.

- I'm not gonna wax. - Don't worry.

- We'll just lightly spackle. - I feel like Gloria Swanson.

- You look like her mother. - I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

Okay, everyone.

Let's pray.

(Spanish accent) I hope you are using jungle red,

because that is the only color I love.

- Matches your lips. - God bless you.

You know, I'm feelin' fabulous

because I met this beautiful Cuban. -Mm-hmm.

Every night is like the Bay of Pigs. -Mmm!

- I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him. - Mm-hmm.

I don't know. This will scare the children. You think so?

I don't know. Maybe this is too much for them.

I think we have to go to the next level--

latex.

(Jewish accent) Oy, it was such a shande.

I should never buy gribenes from a mohel.

It's so chewy.

No, I feel like bubbe. This is not working.

This isn't working, but don't worry.

It's a work in progress, and you're my brother.

I'll never let you be embarrassed. -God bless you.

I think we're gonna have to do the entire face.

But look at this nice thing though we have here.

♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match ♪

♪ Find me a find, catch me a catch. ♪

(imitating Streisand) ♪ Don't tell me not to live, just sit and "puttah" ♪

♪ Life's candy and the sun's a ball of "buttah" ♪

♪ Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade. ♪

(normal voice) It's not working. I need to go older.

Older? You mean like Shelley Winters older or Shirley MacLaine older?

- What's the difference? - Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.

- What about Joan Collins? - Oh, I don't think I have the strength.

- All right. - But I have some plaster.

♪ Luck be a lady tonight ♪

♪ Luck be a lady tonight ♪

♪ Luck, if you've ever been a lady to begin with ♪

♪ Luck be a lady tonight ♪

♪ Luck let a gentleman see ♪

♪ How nice a dame you can be ♪

♪ I know the way you treated other guys ♪

♪ You've been with ♪

♪ Luck be a lady with me ♪

♪ Luck be a lady ♪

Are we close?

- Any closer and you'd be Mom. - ♪ Luck be a lady ♪

- ♪ Tonight. ♪ - (whooping)

- NATTIE: That's disgusting. - LYDIA: Ew.

That's the most revolting thing I've ever seen.

- Awesome. - (doorbell rings)

What is this? Turn it off, will you? Come on.

Everybody over here. I want you to meet this lady with me.

I want you to be polite to her, then tell me what you think.

Everybody stand over here and help me decide what to do.

Hello. Mrs. Hillard, I presume?

Yes. I'm Miranda Hillard.

- Euphegenia Doubtfire. - Oh.

Yes. Won't you please come in?

Thank you, dear.

And these must be the cherubs.

Yes. This is Natalie.

Oh, hello, Natalie.

- Are you wearing bug spray? - (chuckles)

- Nattie! - It's quite all right, dear. No offense taken.

I was a little liberal with the atomizer.

And at my age, dear, you know, it's like a good Stilton.

Everything does have its old aroma. (chuckles)

I admire that honesty, Nattie.

That's a noble quality. Never lose that.

Because it often disappears with age or entering politics.

Look at that face.

You remind me of Stuart Little,

one of the most honorable creatures in all of literature.

Do you know that book, Stuart Little?

Yeah. It's one of my favorites.

Oh! Mine, too. Maybe I could read it to you.

- If I get the position. - That would be wonderful.

- Really. And who is this strapping young lad? - This is Chris.

- Hello, Christopher. - Hello.

Geez, you're big for a lady.

You could play for the 49ers.

Well, I was a fullback, but that's European football, dear.

- Soccer? - Yes. You play soccer, too?

- Yeah. - Oh, isn't that amazing?

Yes, I was captain of the women's team.

We won three university championships.

Oh, but that was decades ago.

But I was more disciplined back then.

I always put my studies ahead of my athletics.

I'm sure you're the same way.

I'm sure you've got all your homework done already.

- Well, not exactly. - Really? Oh, that's a pity.

Because young men who don't do their studies

often always miss out on more amusing activities.

- And who's this young lady? - MIRANDA: This is Lydia.

Hello, Lydia.

This isn't fair, Mom. Why do we need a housekeeper anyway?

Oh, this is all I need right now.

- Look, why can't Dad do it? - Excuse me, dear.

But I don't think it's appropriate to argue with your mother

in front of a perfect stranger,

if you don't mind my saying so.

I just don't see why we can't spend the extra time with Dad.

Maybe she's right, dear. Maybe their father would be a more appropriate person.

- No, I don't think so. - Really?

It's not my fault, honey.

If he would get a job and a decent apartment--

- You see, he's the kind-- - Excuse me, dear.

I'm sure you normally would encourage the children to step out of the room

before you verbally bash their father, hmm?

Well, if I did that, I might never see them again.

- I'm sorry. - That's all right.

You're right. You're absolutely right. -No harm done.

- I'm not a therapist. I just see what I see. - Yes.

Why don't you guys go on upstairs?

I'll be up in a minute.

- It's lovely to meet you. - CHRIS: Yeah. Nice to meet you.

DANIEL: You, too, Lydie.

- Oh, they're a spirited bunch. - Yes.

- Especially that Lydie. She's got daggers for you. - I know.

They're very upset with me right now. -Probably the divorce.

- How did you know? - Well, you can sense it, dear,

the way she talks about her father. -Really?

I don't think he's in the navy, really, the way she's saying she misses him.

You know, it's like she wants him here, like he's nearby.

- Yes. - Oh, that's so sad--

Would you care to have a cup of tea? -I'd love that.

- It's right in here. - Oh, really? What a lovely home you have.

- Did you decorate this yourself? - Yes, I did.

Oh, it reeks of taste. Isn't this lovely, dear.

- Thank you. - Here's my résumé.

Oh, thank you. Let me start this tea.

Oh, no, dear. Let me get that for you.

You've had a hard day. You just set yourself down

on that stool and leave the tea to me.

- (chuckles) - Thank you.

- That's very nice of you. - Oh, not at all, dear.

- Oh, what a wonderful résumé. - Oh, thank you, dear.

"Expert in first aid and CPR."

And the Heimlich maneuver, dear.

You can never be too prepared when you've got little ones

running around, you know, 'cause they'll swallow anything.

You've got to be ready to pop it out, hmm?

Oh, let's see.

Oh!

What a perfectly appointed little cubby.

Look at this.

Everything has its place and name tag.

How precise. It's lovely.

My husband never appreciated it.

Oh, poor dolt.

That's not the reason you divorced him, was it?

No.

That's so sad, because marriage can be such a blessing.

- So can divorce. - Oh.

Daniel is a... very difficult man to live with.

- Hmm. - But the children are crazy about him.

You don't have to be a psychic to sense that.

(chuckles)

My, you certainly do know your way around a kitchen.

Oh. Well.

It's just because everything's is so accessible.

You designed it.

I'm amazed there isn't a little label there that says "spoons."

(chuckles)

You remind me of someone.

Really? Who?

I feel like I've known you for years.

Well, maybe we knew each other in another life.

(chuckling)

I would love for you to come and work with us.

- So would I. - Great.

Oh, it would be an honor.

To us.

The start of a business relationship.

(normal voice) God!

(grunts) Oh. Oh.

Oh!

(feminine voice) Good evening, dear.

Evening, ma'am.

(beeps)

Cold night, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Hope you have something nice and warm to go home to.

(normal voice) My back.

Jesus!

If I find the misogynistic bastard that invented heels, I'll kill him.

God!

Excuse me.

(deep feminine voice) Mrs. Sellner.

Have we met?

(feminine voice) No.

But Danny's told me all about you.

I'm his sister.

His much older sister.

- You have his eyes. - Oh, only if he fills out a donor card.

(laughing)

Is Mr. Hillard in? I have an appointment.

Do you? Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, let me go upstairs and get him, and he'll be right down.

- I'll come with you. Yes. - No. Why?

Because I have an appointment

on Monday and Friday evenings to check the apartment.

I remember him saying something about that.

Are you sure you want to walk in, dear?

That's three floors, hoofin' it all the way.

- If you can do it, I can. - I'll bet so. Is your ticker all right?

- Top-notch. - Oh, good, 'cause I don't want to jump-start you.

(grunts) Damn door!

Oh, come in, please, dear. Sorry about that.

Here we are. Daniel's abode.

(sighs)

Oh, that's mine, dear. I'm a messy houseguest.

Well, uh, just make yourself at home.

I'll be right back. He'll be back.

I'll go get him. Don't be afraid. I'll be right there.

Don't worry. Danny!

Danny boy, where are ya? Oh, here he is, dear. I found him.

Danny, there's a Mrs. Sellner here to see you.

- (normal voice) Oh, is she here? - (feminine voice) Yes, dear, she is.

DANNY (normal voice): Oh, Mrs. Sellner, I just got out of the shower.

I think you'll be very pleased with me.

I've been through some really interesting changes,

and I'm becoming a new man and a model father.

(feminine voice) He'll be right there. He's just changing, dear.

(normal voice) Yes, I want to keep you abreast of some of the changes in my career.

There've been two big developments.

I'm finally starting to come into my own.

Things are really starting to take shape.

And I'm blossoming. Really, I am.

Things were hairy for a while,

but, oh, I'm in great shape now.

I'm my own man now. Oh, yes.

A job I could really sink my teeth into.

I'll be right there, Mrs. Sellner.

So nice I don't have to save face anymore, Mrs. Sellner.

- (screams) - Mrs. Sellner! How are you?

Always a joy. If you wanted some cheese,

why didn't you just say so? (sighs)

Well, I know you'll be happy to know

that I now am holding down two jobs--

one for an educational film and TV company--

heavy responsibility.

- And the other? - Cleaning houses.

Not mine.

- Oh. Big girl. - Your sister is English?

Oh, she's half English, half American.

Half sister, really, so that makes her about an eighth English.

I don't know. I've never really done the math.

You see, my father was American.

He, uh, flew for the English during the war.

He was in London and met this lovely Englishwoman.

Well, my sister was the fruit of their passions.

- (screams) - Sorry. My sister's, not yours.

You see, she's not a very good housekeeper,

but she makes a fabulous cup of English tea.

- Really? - Yes.

Well, I would adore a good cup of English tea.

Oh, wouldn't we all? I'll go get her.

Sis! Oh, sis!

Sis, you in here?

Tea. Cup of T. N. T.

(laughing)

(grunts) Come on.

- (grunting) - (gasps)

- BOY: Sick. - Get out--

Mom!

Oh! My face!

- (groans) - (children continue laughing)

What am I gonna do? I've gotta go down and get it.

Here we go. Oh! Norman Bates.

(floor creaks)

- Miss Hillard? - (feminine voice) Yes, dear?

I take sugar in my tea.

Oh, your tea!

I'll be right there with your tea!

Coming right up, dear! Sugar. One lump or two, dear?

- Two, please. - Tea! Sugar!

Hot water! You got it! Oh, dear!

Coming right your way, dear!

Be right there with your tea!

(horn honks)

(normal voice) No! Stop!

Stop! Oh! Oh!

No!

Oh, shit!

Oh! Ow! (groans)

Can I give you a hand?

(feminine voice) Oh, no, dear, I don't need a hand.

I need... (normal voice) a face! A face!

Are you sure?

(feminine voice) Oh, definitely!

- Really sure. No problem. - (clattering)

Oh!

(normal voice) I'm not a Muslim. I need a face.

A face. Oh, God.

Miss Hillard? The water's boiling.

- (feminine voice) Hello! - (screams)

Oh, I'm sorry to frighten you, dear.

I must look like a yeti in this getup. -(kettle whistling)

This is my nightly meringue mask.

Part of my beauty regimen.

What it is is basically egg whites,

crème fraîche, powdered sugar, vanilla, and a little touch of alum.

There you go, dear. Oh, there you go!

You've got your cream and your sugar now.

It's a little cupp-u-tea-no. One drop or two?

Would you like another one? Oh, there you go!

(laughing) As you can see, I can't stay with you, dear.

I'm melting like a snow cone in Phoenix. There we go again!

I'll go get Danny, all right? He'll be right with you. Hold on.

Danny!

- (normal voice) Coming, sis! - It was lovely to have met you.

(feminine voice) Lovely to meet you!

- Had a little accident. - Would you be careful with this one?

- She's an old woman. - I will.

Why wasn't I an only child?

♪ Come here, sister... ♪

- (office bell rings) - ♪ Papa's in the swing ♪

♪ He ain't too hip ♪

♪ About that new breed, babe ♪

♪ He ain't no drag ♪

♪ Papa's got a brand-new bag ♪

♪ Come here, Mama ♪

♪ And dig this crazy scene ♪

♪ He's not too fancy ♪

♪ But his mind is pretty clean... ♪

- I'm sorry. - (normal voice) It's quite all right.

♪ Ain't no drag ♪

♪ Papa's got a brand-new bag ♪

♪ Hey, come on... ♪

LYDIA: Here we go.

Ready? Okay.

- Did you have fun at school? - Uh-huh.

- What did you do? - I painted a picture of a bunny,

and the teacher liked it.

- She did? - Uh-huh.

There it is, Mel, $1,000 worth of hair.

What am I supposed to do with it? -Alan, I was wondering if--

You want one of them? I'd rather make a coat for my wife.

- Pick it up, pick it up... - All right, everyone,

it's time to expand your minds.

It's homework time, okay?

- Yeah, but after Dick Van Dyke. - (turns TV on)

No. Now.

- No. - Mrs. Petrie--

- We always watch Dick Van Dyke. - MAN ON TV: She is crazy.

- Rob's wife? - No, his mother.

Really? Well, not anymore.

The only thing you'll be watching is deep CNN.

- (gasps) - Now...

I know you're used to loosey-goosey,

but I run a much tighter ship.

Between the hours of 3:00 p. m. and 7:00 p. m.,

I'm in charge.

And when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule.

Those who do not follow the schedule will be punished.

- Punished? - She's lying.

She'd never punish us.

Don't fuss with me.

(music playing)

This is exploitation. It's not fair.

- Shut up, Lydie! - Yeah, you got us into this.

Ooh, my little ankle-biters,

do I sense dissension in the ranks?

Are we ready for homework, or shall we continue manual labor?

No. Anything but this.

All right, then. Upstairs, my little nose-miners.

Go. Flee before me.

Onward and upward.

Go pump some neurons.

Expand your craniums.

- I miss Dad. - Me, too.

Me most.

(normal voice) I'm here, guys...

in some form.

Let's see.

(muttering)

Okay. A pinch of basil.

Oh! Damn!

Come on. Ow!

(screams, shouts)

Mother-- oh!

Oh, God. It's gonna blow! Oh, boy!

Easy. Easy.

Damn. Calm down. Oh. Oh. Oh. Come on.

Hey, hey, hey. How is it?

Oh, my God, it's clotted. Oh, God.

(sniffs) This Hollandaise smells like burnt rubber.

God, it's hot in here.

(screaming)

Oh, God! Oh! Oh!

Oh! (shouts)

(shouting, coughing)

(shouts) Look at this.

My first day as a woman, and I'm getting hot flashes.

- Hey, here's your food, lady. - (feminine voice) How much do I owe you?

- 135.27. - $135? That's certainly--

- Twenty-seven cents. - Twenty-seven cents.

Four dinners, 20 bucks extra for rushing.

Rushing? You could've been a little bit faster, dear.

- There's-- there's 140. Do you have change? - No.

I thought you wouldn't. Thank you very much.

Hello?

Hello? Anybody home?

- Where were you guys? - Upstairs doing our homework.

Mrs. Doubtfire said we had to.

- Oh, she did, huh? - Mm-hmm.

Doing your homework. How great.

- Hi. - Hi, honey.

Look at this place. It looks wonderful.

All spick-and-span.

(gasps)

Wow!

Dinner is served, madam.

How lovely.

- Mrs. Doubtfire? - Lydia, dear,

get back inside right now before you freeze.

Look, I just want to apologize for being such a pain today.

Oh, dear, it's all right.

- Really. Go. - No, I'm-- I'm really sorry.

It's just I'm still kind of messed up...

about everything.

- We all are, sweetie. - What?

I just mean I understand the pain you're all going through.

Yeah.

Well, I also wanted to thank you.

- For what? - For making my mom so happy.

Oh.

She hasn't been in this good a mood since...

I can't even remember.

It's been a long time.

- It has? - Yeah.

Well, I've-- I got to go back in, but--

- Go, go, go. - Okay. Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Bye. - Bye, dear.

Thank you.

(chuckles) Oh, no.

Well, milady, it's a pleasure to see you again.

A joy, as always.

(sighs)

I like that Mediterranean look in women. -Oh.

Natural, healthy...

just the way God made you.

Well, he broke the mold when he made me, dear.

He made me very special.

He sure did.

Bless you.

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady... ♪ -(shouting)

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady ♪

- Ooh, goal! - ♪ Never judge a book by its cover ♪

♪ Or who you gonna love like your lover ♪

♪ Say love would be wise to love in disguise ♪

♪ She had the body of a Venus, Lord, imagine my surprise ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Cruised into a bar on the shore ♪

♪ Her picture graced the grime on the door ♪

♪ She a long-lost love at first bite ♪

♪ Baby, maybe you're wrong but you know it's all right ♪

♪ That's right, yeah, yeah... ♪

(imitating Richard Nixon) - I am not a crook. - I am not a crook.

"As she kissed Stuart and thanked him.

'How was it down there?' asked Mr. Little,

who was always curious to know about places he'd never been to.

- 'It was all right.'" - ♪ Do me, do me, do me ♪

♪ Ooh, what a funky lady ♪

♪ Ooh, she like it, like it, like it, like it ♪

♪ Ooh, he was a lady ♪

♪ Yeow ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady... ♪

(normal voice) Back off, asshole!

- Beat it! - ♪ Dude looks like a lady... ♪

(feminine voice) Broke my bag, the bastard. Oh.

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ That, that dude looks like a lady. ♪

Lover boy's here.

What a beautiful little car for Don Juan.

So sad when that happens.

It was our junior year in college, okay?

And your mother got asked to design this big float.

(chattering)

Elastic bands were flying out everywhere. Hit you in the face.

- MIRANDA: That's not true. - It was like Jaws.

Isn't thatthe pretty picture? Oh. -Oh, Mrs. Doubtfire.

Miranda, what a pleasant surprise to see you home so early, dear.

And who is your gentleman caller?

This is Stu. He just wanted to come home and meet the kids.

Oh, did he?

Oh, this must be the famous Mrs. Doubtfire.

- It's a pleasure to meet you. - Oh.

Yes, well, Miranda's been raving about you.

- Odd. She's never mentioned you. - No?

- No. - Well, it's good to meet you.

- You, too. - Yes.

I have a home in London. I was born there.

What part of England are you from?

Here and there, dear. All over really.

Yes?

Accent's a little, kind of muddled there.

Really? Well, so is your tan. (chuckles)

No, dear, you know, can you help me with something?

I found this outside.

Uh, yes. This is off my Mercedes.

Off your Mercedes, dear?

You own that big, expensive car out there?

Oh, dear. Well, they say a man who has to buy a big car like that's

trying to compensate for smaller genitals, is he?

But not in your case, 'cause I see that you're a strapping lad, aren't ya?

- Lovely to meet you. - You, too, dear.

Mrs. Doubtfire, may I speak with you for a moment?

Oh, certainly, dear.

Um, could you stay a few extra hours this evening?

Stu. That's more of a thick soup than a name, really.

Oh, no, it's a name. It's short for Stuart.

- Is it? - Yes. He's a client. And a friend.

- Was a friend. He is a friend. - What is he?

I don't know what's happening.

What is it, dear? Just stay calm. -Isn't he fabulous?

Oh, kind of, dear, if you like that handsome, rugged type.

But personally, I prefer short, furry and funny.

Well, he just wants to go out and have a drink.

- And I think that's pretty harmless, don't you? - Absolutely not, dear,

'cause they always have other intentions. -This is business mostly.

I'll just sit there and sip club soda and we'll go over wallpaper samples.

Dear Miranda, wake up and smell the coffee, dear.

Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes?

It's too soon, dear, really.

You've got to give your divorce some time, dear.

Let your sheets cool down before you bring someone else into the bed, all right?

Mrs. Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?

Oh, certainly, dear.

How long after Mr. Doubtfire passed away--

- Winston, yes. - Winston. Did you feel any... desire?

- Never. - Never?

- Never again. - Never again?

Once the father of your children is out of the picture,

the only solution is total and lifelong celibacy.

- Celibacy? - Yes.

And if you violate that, heaven forgive you.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Uh...

MRS. DOUBTFIRE: Preponderance.

LYDIA: P-R-E-P-O-N...

D-E-R-A-N-C-E.

Bravo. Discriminate.

D-I-S-C-R-

I-M-I-N-A-T-E.

Oh, that's very good. Will you excuse me, dear?

Call of nature. All right?

Check those. I'll be right back.

(seat clanks)

- Oh, God. - Oh, God.

- Oh, my God! - Chris! Wait!

Lydia! Lydia, come on! We gotta call the cops!

- We gotta dial 9-1-1 now! - What? What? Why?

Well, Mrs. Doubtfire-- he's a she.

- He's a she-he. (stammering) - What?

Ah!

- He's half-man, half-woman. - What?

Yes, I swear.

- Now just calm down. - Freeze!

- Just relax, please! - You're going to get it.

- In the balls. - Yeah! She's got 'em?

She's got everything.

All right, listen to me.

I'm not who you think I am.

- Yeah, no shit. - (normal voice) Watch your mouth, young man.

Oh, my God.

- Dad? - Yeah.

- Dad? - Yeah, honey.

You don't really like wearing that stuff, do you, Dad?

Well, some of it's comfortable. No! No.

It's a pain in the padded ass.

This is not a way of life. It's just a job.

I don't go to old-lady bars or anything like that after work, you know?

You know, it's the only way I could see you guys every day.

W-Who did this?

- Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack. - Oh.

- It's really you in there. - Yeah.

It's just a mask. And this is a bodysuit.

I didn't have any operations or anything.

- It's good. - Yeah.

- Hi. - Hi. Oh, hey.

Sorry I scared you.

- Come here, Chris. - No. No, it's okay.

I get it.

I just, you know, don't want to hug you or anything.

Not just yet.

- That's cool. It's a guy thing. - Yeah.

Well, now that you know, you can't tell Mom, okay?

'Cause if she finds out,

I'll only be able to see you through plate glass, okay?

And we can't tell Nattie, 'cause she'll blow my cover.

So you have to promise me it's just us, all right?

- You promise? - Okay.

Okay.

It's okay.

All right. It's our little secret.

Most of the dinosaurs were herbivorous,

but this tyrannosaurus rex is a carnivore.

The reptile-like Saurischia--

Saurischia and...

the birdlike Ornithischia.

Now, we're going to go...

where no human being's ever been.

- Oh, no. - As we continue our journey into prehistory.

- Which one's the dinosaur? - The one in the middle, I think.

Nah, you're wrong. They're all extinct.

I can't believe they're still subjecting kids to this.

This is insane.

They should have a little disclaimer that says,

"Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show."

- (chuckles) - It's incredible.

This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid.

It's amazing.

He has the warmth of a snow pea.

He makes Mr. Rogers look like Mick Jagger.

That's insane. (scoffs)

What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for 25 years?

Me.

- You? - Jonathan Lundy.

Jonathan Lundy, general manager, owner.

I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee. -Ahh. Maybe.

(laughs) That was funny.

Listen, I don't mean to criticize.

I just, you know, sometimes I have-- -Criticize all you want.

The show's terrible. I'm gonna cancel it.

It's pulling down the whole afternoon schedule. Nah, it's gone.

- You know what you gotta do? - What?

Maybe just start from scratch.

Give it kind of a-- maybe a musical number.

Imagine a little tyrannosaurus Rex comes out, you know--

Hillard, get your ass to the truck. -Yeah.

- That shipment's gotta make a 6:00 flight to L. A. - Okay, Tony.

Tony, this is Mr. Lundy.

- He knows who I am. - Yeah.

Did you ever wish that sometimes you could freeze-frame

a single moment in your day,

look at it and say, "This is not my life"?

(music playing)

(man vocalizing)

♪ Walk, walk ♪

♪ He said, walk like a man ♪

♪ Talk like a man ♪

♪ Walk like a man, my son ♪

♪ No woman's worth crawling on the earth ♪

♪ So walk like a man, my son... ♪

Miranda, what are you home early for, dear?

I had an appointment. Oh, thank you.

- That's all right. - With the court liaison Mrs. Sellner.

- Oh. - I can't believe it.

What, dear?

She says that Daniel has some woman living with him

- pretending to be his sister. - Oh!

I told her he doesn't even have a sister.

Oh, Mrs. Sellner's probably mistaken.

Oh, she's a social worker, dear, really.

And, besides,

how could he replace you and so quickly, really?

She's supposed to be older and very unattractive.

Really?

Mrs. Doubtfire?

- Yes? - Did you and Mr. Doubtfire ever...

You must've had your share of problems.

Oh, of course, dear. What marriage doesn't?

But I always say the bad times fade away

and the good ones adhere themselves to your memory.

- Yes. Excuse me. - Oh, it's all right.

Oh, as I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston.

- God rest his soul. - When did he pass on?

Eight years ago, dear,

this November.

- What happened? - He was quite fond of the drink.

- Ah. - It was a drink that killed him.

How awful. He was an alcoholic?

No. He was hit by a Guinness truck.

So, it was quite literally the drink that killed him.

- Oh, how tragic. - Yes.

Oh.

Oh, but he was a good man, though, really.

A sainted man.

And despite his mountains of faults--

Dear, I always say a flawed husband is better than none at all.

Who needs a husband when I've got you?

Oh, surely you don't mean that, dear. -Well--

Oh, that's so sweet.

Can't imagine what it was like being married to Daniel.

Well, tell me, dear, what was so horrible about this man

you lived with for 14 years?

Well, at first, nothing.

He was-- he was so romantic,

- so passionate. - Really?

He sounds like an absolute stud, dear.

I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude,

but how was he?

You know, on a scale of one to 10?

Oh, well, that part was always...

okay.

Just okay?

Oh, he's probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.

What was the matter with Winston? -Oh, dear.

Winston's idea of foreplay was, "Effie, brace yourself."

(laughs) Oh.

It was Daniel's spontaneity and his energy I fell in love with.

Really?

Everyone else I knew was so organized, so scheduled.

Like me, I guess.

Daniel was so wonderfully different and funny.

He could always make me laugh.

They always say the key to a solid marriage is laughter.

But after a few years, everything just stopped being funny.

Why?

I was working all the time

and he was always between jobs.

I hardly ever got to see the kids,

and on the nights I would try to get home early to be with them,

something would go wrong.

The house would be wrecked, and I'd have to clean it up.

He never knew, but so many nights, I just cried myself to sleep.

Really?

The truth is,

I didn't like who I was when I was with him.

I would turn into this horrible person.

I didn't want my kids growing up with a mother like that.

When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better.

And... I'm sure he's better when he's not with me.

Well, you never--

I mean, did you ever say anything to him, dear?

Daniel never liked to talk about anything serious.

I-- I used to think Daniel could do anything,

except be serious.

But, then, I was serious enough for everybody.

(bell clanging)

- Oh. - NATTIE: This is great!

- Isn't this posh? - CHRIS: Amazing.

I'll bet it's very exclusive.

Probably need a credit reference just to get in the pool.

- Amazing. - Oh, Nattie,

not a single body that exists in nature.

Look at that. Lydie.

- There's Stu. - Where?

Oh, on the board there.

Oh, isn't he a stunning piece of work?

Look, Nattie. That's called liposuction. Mmm.

- MIRANDA: Wow. - I hope he had protection.

You hit the water at that speed, God knows what happens.

- Oh. Let's go say hi. - Let's do, please.

- Wow, it's amazing. - Stunning.

(grunts)

- Oh, hello. You look lovely. - Hi.

Oh, guys, I'm so glad you could make it.

Oh, by the looks of you, that water's so cold.

- Yes, well-- - Your tummy looks different from my daddy's.

- Oh, Nattie. - Well...

- Not everyone has their own personal trainer. - (laughs)

Well, guys, you got your swimsuits? You wanna go for a dip?

- Oh, great. - That'd be great.

Good. How about you, Mrs. Doubtfire?

Oh, you wicked, wicked man.

Isn't there enough flesh here for you to feast your eyes on?

Oh, come now, Mrs. Doubtfire, don't be bashful.

Oh, no, dear. I think they've outlawed whaling.

We'd be re-enacting the Titanic.

- Come on, Mrs. Doubtfire. - Oh, no, no. Just go, leave me here.

I'll just sit here in the sun and crisp.

I don't think you can get heatstroke twice in the same year.

Okay. Well, let's go, kids. Swim time.

- Go, go, dear. I'll be fine. - Come on. Come on.

The day's on me, Mrs. Doubtfire.

- Anything you need, just put it on my tab, okay? - Thank you, dear.

(under breath) Touch me again, I'll drown you, you bastard.

I'll just sit here and watch you move in on my family.

Hello, hello.

- And how are you? - Good.

Oh, God, what am I doing here?

This is beyond obsession. Oh, God.

(calypso music playing)

(burps)

- Yes! - Yeah!

- Okay, Natalie! Ready? - Okay, Natalie.

There you go! All right!

Is everything all right, ma'am?

Fan-bloody-tastic. Can I have another?

- Sure. - Great.

- Yes! - Okay, Chris.

It's our ball! It's our ball! Our ball!

- Hi. - Soda with a lime, please.

- (normal voice) It's on me. - No, thanks.

Four iced teas, Todd.

So, uh, whose rug rats?

- Miranda Hillard's. - Miranda Hillard?

Mm-hmm. The woman I'm seeing.

No kidding. You? The guy who's never having kids?

Won't have anything to do with kids?

You won't date a woman who's got kids.

People change, Ron. I'm pushing 40.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself.

She's got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids?

Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them, especially that little Natalie.

Look at her. She's a sweetie-pie.

God knows they need some kind of stable father figure in their life right now.

- Thanks, Todd. - What about their real father?

What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. I'll see you.

Loser? You--

(feminine voice) Oh, sir. I saw it.

Some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them?

Oh, the terrorists. They ran that way.

It was a run-by fruiting.

I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.

(clears throat)

Oh.

Oh. Good waste of juice.

(normal voice) Loser. (laughs)

What are you looking at?

(whistling)

Hi, boys and girls.

Today we'll be talking about dinosaurs.

(imitating announcer) It's a "dinosaurus" line!

(vocalizing)

And please welcome the king!

(humming Elvis tune)

It's a dinner show. Hey... hey, where you from?

Thank you, I'm gonna make you lunch. Thank you very much.

Thank you! All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your claws together!

Please welcome James Brown-ausarus!

(humming)

(imitating James Brown) ♪ I eat wood, dinna, dinna, dinna, dinna ♪

♪ It tastes good, dinna, dinna, dinna, dinna ♪

♪ No meat, big feet ♪

♪ I eat wood, pum, pum, pum. ♪

Ow! Oh, I got to help myself.

Can't go on. Can't go on. I'm goin' extinct.

Oh, thank you, James. But right now, yo!

It's time for the raptor rap!

♪ I'm a raptor, doin' what I can ♪

♪ Gonna eat everything till the appearance of man ♪

♪ Yo, yo, see me, I'm livin' below the soil ♪

♪ I'll be back, but I'm comin' as oil. ♪

Very impressive, Mr. Hillard.

I didn't know anybody was watching. I was just playing.

- I don't think I-- - I was watching. That's funny stuff.

- Well, thanks. - I think kids would like it.

They'd be entertained, and they'd get some information, too.

Yeah, well, that's kind of my theory. I think you could, you know,

- you don't have to play down to 'em, you just play to 'em. - No.

- Listen, I'd like to hear some more of your ideas. - My ideas?

- How about a dinner meeting? - Oh, okay.

Next Friday, Bridges restaurant. 7:00 sharp.

I'll be there.

Take five.

Take five million. You're dead.

Well, we've just had our first home-cooked meal.

I'm domestic now, huh?

CHRIS: This is really terrific, Dad. -LYDIA: It's great.

DANIEL: You want some more spaghetti? -No, thanks. I'm stuffed.

How about garlic bread? I made it myself.

Well, I didn't make it. I cooked it, you know, sliced it.

It's okay, Dad. Thanks.

You know what, the place looks great. The food's terrific.

I'm really proud of you.

- Yeah, me, too. - NATTIE: Me, too.

- (knock on door) - I'll be right back.

- Thank you for knocking. - Yeah.

Whoa, look at this.

- I see you got someone to clean for you. - No.

(scoffs) Hi, guys.

- Hi, Mom. - Mom.

- Are they ready? - No.

They haven't had their dessert yet.

- You cooked? - Yes.

I cook, I bake, I sew.

Thanks to this Amish home study course, I'm doing quite well.

- I'm very impressed. - Really?

Give me a second chance, okay?

Let me take the kids after school.

I can't get rid of Mrs. Doubtfire.

- She's terrific. - Come on, Miran. Why not?

She's the best thing that ever happened to us.

The kids are all doing better in school.

Chris is passing every single subject. He is.

I find myself getting home early just to be with them.

We're all doing so great.

Whew. Sounds like an amazing woman.

- Too good to be true. - She is.

- I kind of like the black one. - Me, too.

I don't know. Actually-- Mrs. Doubtfire.

- Yes? - We need another woman's opinion.

- Oh, then I'm your woman. - Which one?

- What's the occasion? - It's my birthday.

- Oh. - Stu's taking me out to dinner.

Oh.

- Neither. - Neither?

They're both too brazen, dear. They cry "harlot," really.

I mean, the red one is the traditional color for streetwalkers, dear.

And the black one is far too short. I hope you waxed.

They both say to me, "I'm easy."

And you don't want that, dear. You want to be Kilimanjaro on your first date--

Inaccessible. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

No, let's find something more your own age, all right?

Something a little less tawdry.

Oh, let's see.

How about this lovely frock?

Tasteful, elegant, don't you think?

And old. I wore that to my aunt's funeral in 1976.

Well, a classic never dies, dear.

- I think it's time to revive it. - Well, I should ask the kids.

- All right. Let's do that. - What do you think?

I'd go with the short black one.

- Yeah, it's the most fun. - There, you see? I agree.

Fine. I'll get the frock out of here.

You ask my opinion, then don't take it.

I will not be held responsible for your virtue.

Well, you'll be there to protect me. -I will?

Stu has invited you and the children to join us.

Oh, how lovely-- one big happy family.

I wouldn't miss that for the world. Should be smashing good fun.

- Oh, I'm so glad. - When does this enchanted evening take place?

- Friday night, 7:00. - This Friday at 7:00?

Yes. We're going to my favorite restaurant-- Bridges.

- Bridges? - (thuds)

Yes, Friday at 7:00.

Bridges.

- Sorry. - Yes.

- Bridges? - Yes, Bridges.

- As in the restaurant, Bridges? - Friday at 7:00.

- I can't. - Why not?

Please, don't. No.

- It's bingo night, dear. - Cancel it.

I can't. It's my turn to pull the balls at the rectory.

- I can't. - Mrs. Doubtfire, please join us.

- Don't ask me that, dear. - I can't have my birthday without you.

It's so important to me and the children that you be there.

You're part of the family now. I can't have a birthday without you.

It would mean so much to me and the children. Wouldn't it?

Please, promise you'll come with us, Mrs. Doubtfire. You just have to.

Who could resist that little face?

- I promise. - Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, thank you, dear. Sorry.

- Oh, are you all right? - I'm fine.

- Let's see. Nothing, nothing. - Anything in May?

Not a thing. Doesn't look good.

I'm sorry. Mr. Lundy's completely booked for the next two months.

Listen, I'll meet him anytime, anywhere.

I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.

Please, I can't cancel. I'd be blowing a huge opportunity.

Take my advice. Don't cancel.

Thank you.

MRS. DOUBTFIRE: Come along, Nattie dear.

Hi. Hello, hello, darling.

- Shouldn't you cover your shoulders, Miranda? - No, I'm fine.

- Good evening, Mr. Lundy. - Good evening.

- (normal voice) Oh, God. - MIRANDA: This is so sweet of you.

- Here we go. - Oh, Mrs. Doubtfire, you look wonderful.

- Thank you. - Absolutely wonderful. Come on.

- Good evening, Mr. Lundy. - I'm meeting someone.

- Has he arrived yet? - No, I'm sorry.

He hasn't arrived yet. But we can seat you. Smoking or nonsmoking?

- Nonsmoking, please. - Nonsmoking.

- Tanya will seat you. Table 15. - This way, please.

Uh, reservation. Dunmeyer.

Yes, sir. Smoking or nonsmoking?

- Nonsmoking. - Smoking.

Mrs. Doubtfire, you don't smoke. -No, I don't, but I did.

- Oh. - Oh, and, dear, I found the best way to keep from smoking

and lighting up is to be around those who do smoke.

I have to randomly ingest a little bit of nicotine,

- and it steels my wool. - Uh-huh.

Oh, I know you're Mr. Health. Bless you for putting yourself in harm's way.

- Mm. Smoking. - All right. Table 39. Table 39.

- Thirty-nine. My age. - Follow me, please.

You're a saint.

- Thank you very much for humoring an old lady. - Thank you.

Sweetie, we're going to have some food right now.

(normal voice) Oh, he's pissed already. -STU: Mrs. Doubtfire?

- What? - Would you like to join us?

Ooh, I thought I saw Clint Eastwood.

That would make my day.

He is such a stud-muffin.

Will you excuse me, dear? I have to check my wrap.

- I'll do it for you. Yes, yes. - Oh, no. Please, I'm fine. I'm quite capable--

All right, dear. Where are you-- There you go.

- Oh, and your bag, too, ma'am. - All right. Drop it.

Oh, I'm very sorry, dear, it's my medicine.

I have to go take my medicine now. -We have water at the table.

I can't take it orally, dear.

Will you forgive me? I'll be right back.

Would you like something to drink? -Yes. A good, stiff chardonnay.

I like 'em light and woody. Thank you.

- (phone rings) - (clears throat)

Hello. Bridges restaurant. May I help you?

Yes. My name is Daniel Hillard.

I believe Mr. Lundy is expecting me for dinner.

Will you tell him that I'm running a little late?

I was caught in traffic, but I'm on my way.

I'll deliver the message personally, sir. -Thank you.

(exhales)

(gasps) Oh!

Oh, Stu.

- Wow. - I hope you like it.

Oh, it's gorgeous. Thank you.

Ooh! Did I miss anything?

Well, yes. Look.

This is the gift that Stu gave me for my birthday.

- Ooh! - Let's just try this.

- Is it gorgeous? - Is it real?

Do you like it? It is very real, Mrs. Doubtfire.

You can either wear that or feed a small country.

That's so nice.

- So decadent. - Mommy, I need to go.

Mrs. Doubtfire, would you take her? -No. You.

- She wants you, dear. - Well, I'll be right back.

Okay. (kissing sounds)

Come on, sweetie.

Yes, well...

Children, look at that lovely dessert tray over there.

Why don't you pick out what you'd like now so they can reserve it?

- All right. We'll be back. - Thank you. All right.

That's a pretty impressive bauble you got her.

Hmm? Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Fella gives a gift like that, he wants more than a piece of her heart, eh?

Bit of a going down payment, huh? -Excuse me?

Oh, you know, dear. Sink the sub.

Hide the weasel? Park the porpoise?

Bit of the old Humpty Dumpty? Little Jack Horny?

The horizontal mambo? Hmm?

- Mrs. Doubtfire-- - The bone dance, eh?

Rumple Foreskin. Baloney bop.

Bit of the old cunning linguistics.

- Hmm? - Mrs. Doubtfire, please.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry. Am I being a little graphic? Sorry.

I hope you're up for a little competition. -I beg your pardon?

She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her personal jackhammer.

She could break sidewalk with that thing.

She uses it, and the lights dim. It's like a prison movie.

Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.

Ooh.

I hope you bring cocktail sauce.

She's got the crabs, dear, and I don't mean Dungeness.

I'm being blunt as a spoon, aren't I?

Forgive me. Ohh. Mmm.

It's the wine. Oh, gosh.

Be back in a flush, all right? My tiny bladder.

- (sighs) - Uh, Mrs. Doubtfire?

- What? - You're going into the men's room.

No. Oh, so it is.

Oh, I do need new glasses, dear. Sorry.

Hello?

Aah! Geez! God.

- Excuse me. May I have a menu? - Of course.

Thank you.

- What's France like? - STU: France is very beautiful.

Thank you very much.

- Mr. Lundy. - Oh, hi.

Sorry I'm late. Did you get my message? -That's all right.

Yes. Sit down. How about a drink? -Hi.

Oh, sure. I'll have what he's having. -All righty.

- Double Chivas on the rocks. - WAITER: Double Chivas on the rocks.

- Bring him two doubles so he can catch up. - Two doubles. Be right back.

- Scotch drinker, huh? That's my kind of guy. - Gentlemen, start your engines.

Okay, everybody, are we ready to order?

Yes, I believe we are. Uh, children, fire away.

Shouldn't we wait for Mrs. Doubtfire? -Yes.

- LUNDY: Okay. - (both chuckling)

- Ahh. - Ahh.

- Aha! - Aha!

- Come on. - WAITER: How are we doing over here? Okay?

- No, no, no. - Oh, yes.

- One more for you. - One more.

(chuckling) Thank you. All right.

- (exhales) - Now...

what can you do to help the ratings on the kid show?

Bottom line, don't patronize kids, you know?

They're little people. You gotta personalize it.

Make it fun and entertaining. If it's something you'd enjoy,

- they'd enjoy it, hmm? - That's what I'm interested in.

Bingo. Hmm?

Well, I wonder what's happened to Mrs. Doubtfire?

- We could cross over to-- - Will you excuse me for a moment?

But--

(panting) Okay.

Oh, come on.

Whoo. (sighs)

- May I help you, ma'am? - Yes, dear. Thank you very much.

- Ohh! - (gasps)

Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you all right? -Oh my goodness--

Mrs. Doubtfire, are you all right? -It's my fault.

- WAITER: My fault. - STU: Are you all right?

- Forgive me. Excuse me. - All right. There we go.

Thank you. Oh, let's see here.

- May I take your order, ma'am? - Oh, yes. Whoo!

Let's see. I'll have the poached salmon.

- That will be lovely. - Yes, ma'am. And you, sir?

I'll have the jambalaya. And make mine not spicy. I'm allergic to pepper.

Not spicy. Certainly, sir.

- Thank you. Cheers. Your health. - Mmm.

- Oop. - (giggles)

Oh, my God. So sorry about that.

Just one moment. Carpe dentum.

- Seize the teeth. - Let me assist you.

Oh, dear. A spoon. Oh. How clever. -A spoon.

- Wait. I've got it. - Here we go.

Wait, I've got-- There, there, dear. Make a pincer.

- Come at it from both sides. - There you go, darling.

That's it. There we go. Very good. -Oh, oh!

Oh, thank you. There it is.

Ohh, just shake them off like a dog.

Sorry. Oh, forgive me.

- It's all right. - Sorry about my spray.

I'll be right back.

(lisping) I just have to reattach them with a little adhesive.

- Yes. And tell him to puree the salmon, if you would please. - Puree the salmon.

Thank you. Sorry about that.

Oh. That one.

Ooh, I didn't know there was someone else in here. Sorry.

(zipper zipping) Oh, damn it! Oh, there it is.

Oh! (zipper zips)

Excuse me.

CHRIS: I heard the food's really good in France.

They have bread this big.

(grunts)

Mmm. Where the hell have you been?

I took the liberty of ordering you another scotch.

- Bully! - Ah! Drink up.

Mmm.

(sniffs) Daniel?

- Hmm? - Are you wearing ladies perfume?

(sniffs)

Yes, I am.

Are you wearing lipstick?

Yeah.

Why?

- Rubbed off. - From whom?

Girl I used to date. She's a waitress.

- Waitress? Here? - Oh, yeah.

On the way to the bathroom.

Couldn't keep her hands off me.

(chortles) You dog.

You old scalawag.

Hey, hey.

- I got the stretch outside. - Oh.

Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend? -Hey, it's the '90s.

No, no. I mean...

does she have a lady friend for me?

- Go ahead. Ask her. - I'll go ask her.

Go ahead. Come on. Go get 'em.

Whew.

- Hey, Dan. Dan! - Yeah?

Hey, I need my orders for table 39.

Relax. They'll be out in a minute. -Thank you. Great. Geez.

(chuckles) Thirty-nine.

(speaks Italian) Thirty-nine!

Twenty-six, 17. Let's get these orders out.

Hot jambalaya!

Yes.

Yes.

- Can I help you, ma'am? - (normal voice) Oh, Sorry I'm late.

But after all those scotches, I had to piss like a racehorse.

Mmm.

- Daniel? - Yeah?

Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?

(quietly) Oh, damn. I--

Well...

I'd like you to meet the host of your new show.

Host?

(feminine voice) Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear.

I specialize in the education and entertainment of children.

(normal voice) Surprise. (laughs)

Oh, thank you very much. This looks terrific, eh?

- Where's Mrs. Doubtfire? - Well, I hope the dear lady's all right.

- Shall we start? - Yes. Yes, let's start.

I don't want it to get cold. Go ahead. -Bon appétit.

All right, tell me. Why would Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host?

I'm a hip old granny who could hip-hop, bebop,

dance till you drop, and yo, yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.

(coughing)

- Stu? - (coughing, choking)

Stu. Oh, he's choking.

He's choking! He's choking! Somebody, help!

- We need a doctor. - Somebody's choking.

He's choking! Help us! Oh, God.

- He's choking here! Call 9-1-1. - Oh, no. I killed the bastard.

He's choking! Mrs. Doubtfire! Help us, he's choking.

- Help is on the way, dear! - Mrs. Doubtfire!

- Help is on the way! - Mrs. Doubtfire! Mrs. Doubtfire, he's choking!

Hold on, dear. Let me get the stuff free.

(grunting) One more time, dear.

Oh, no. Work with me. Come on! Come on!

- (Mrs. Doubtfire grunting) - Oh, my God.

Here! Come on! (grunts)

(grunts, yells)

(gasps) I'm okay. I'm okay.

(normal voice) You all right there? -Yes.

Almost lost you.

Oh, Dad.

Oh, my...

Daddy?

Yeah, honey. It's me.

- (screams) - Happy birthday.

(cries out) Daniel? Daniel.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. The whole time--

The whole time you were-- the whole time?

- Oh, I'm sorry, Miranda. Please. - Don't talk to me!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me. I have to go.

We have to leave now. I have to leave.

We have to leave now. I have to go. We're going.

- You guys go. - I'm sorry, Dad.

Bye.

Sorry about the pepper. (mumbles)

- Yeah. - Okay. (clears throat)

(clears throat)

What are you looking at? Show's over.

JUDGE: Uh, Miss Robeson, do you have any closing remarks?

Nothing further, Your Honor.

Well, Mr. Hillard,

since you've determined to act as your own attorney,

you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time.

(clears throat)

Your Honor, in the past two months,

I have secured a residence,

I've refurbished that residence

and made it an environment fit for children.

Those are your words.

I'm also holding a job as a shipping clerk.

So I believe I met your requirements ahead of schedule.

In regards to my behavior,

I can only plead insanity,

because ever since my children were born,

the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them.

And once I held them, I was hooked.

I'm addicted to my children, sir.

I love them with all my heart,

and the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them,

I can't see them every day...

it's like someone saying I-I can't have air.

I can't live without air, and I can't live without them.

Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them.

You know, I need that, sir.

We have a history.

And I just-- They mean everything to me.

And they need me as much as I need them.

So please, don't take my kids away from me.

Thank you.

Mr. Hillard, you've been able to fool a lot of people

into believing that you're a 60-year-old woman.

No easy task.

And your little speech seemed to be...

very heartfelt and genuine.

But I believe it to be

a terrific performance by a very gifted actor.

- Nothing more. - No, it's not that.

The reality, Mr. Hillard,

is that your lifestyle over the past months

has been very unorthodox.

And I refuse to further subject three innocent children

to your peculiar and potentially harmful behavior.

It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs. Hillard.

- Oh, God. No, sir. Please. - You will have supervised visitation every Saturday.

- Supervised, sir? - Yes. A court liaison will accompany you

when you spend time with the children.

I am suggesting a period of psychological testing,

and perhaps treatment for you, Mr. Hillard.

We will reexamine this case one year from now.

- Thank you. Court is adjourned. - (gavel bangs)

I don't do laundry. I don't do windows. I don't do carpets.

I don't do bathtubs. I don't do toilets. And I don't do diapers.

Well, my children have been potty-trained for quite some time.

Hmm, well, I don't do washing. I don't do basements.

I don't do dinners. I don't do reading.

Ah. Yes.

Well, we have your number. Thank you so much for coming.

- We'll be getting back to you. - Thank you.

I'll show you to the door.

- Yes. Here we are. Please. - (door unlocks, closes)

- Laura, that shipment has been delayed three times. - Well...

Yes, but-- Laura, I'm not going to wait another six months for it.

- Okay, I'll try the number. - You do that.

- Call me back. - (telephone beeps)

Oh, guys, please don't be so depressed.

Everything's gonna be all right.

- I miss her spaghetti. - I miss her jokes.

I miss her stories.

Don't worry. We will find someone.

There are plenty of people out there. -Nobody like her.

All right, I admit, things were a lot nicer when she was around.

The house was so warm and cozy, and...

the beds were always made and the dinner was-- She isn't real.

We have to stop referring to her as if she were a real person.

MRS. DOUBTFIRE: Hello, my dears!

We have a wonderful show today.

We have Mr. Van Zandt from the Sierra Club,

and he's going to bring some animals that are endangered species.

Do you know what that means, poppets? -Wait a minute.

- Did you say "puppet"? - Oh, no, dear.

Oh, it's Kovacs. Welcome, Kovacs. -Hi, guys.

Did you say "extinction"? Did you smell something? Something stinks?

I'm not talking about something smelling bad. I'm talking about extinction.

That means when there's no more of a particular animal.

- Oh, my gosh. - Doesn't that make you a little mad?

- It makes me very mad. - Well, tell people about it.

I'm mad. You know why? Because next it's the chimps.

That's right. There are fewer chimps in the world than there used to be.

Doesn't it make you mad that humans are playing your parts in movies?

Ooh, Cheetah, Planet of the Apes. -Right.

Who gets his role? Roddy McDowell.

- I'd do better than that. - Ooh!

I'd do better than Charlton Heston. -And your rug is better, too.

- Ooh, much better. - You could fly to Persia on that rug.

- But, you know, boys and girls, that's all-- - What the-- (laughing)

Shall we tell them where we're going tomorrow, Kovacs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They want to know. -Tomorrow, poppets,

we're taking a wonderful trip,

but you don't have to pack your bags

because we're going in our mind. -That's right.

We're going across the Atlantic Ocean to England where I came from.

- You came from England, huh? - I did, dear. It's a wonderful country.

- Do you know about England? - I know that it's an island.

It's a island, dear, and a glorious one. -Mm-hmm.

- Because they have a queen and they have a royal family. - And a lot of-- Ooh.

- Oh, just like a poker game. - It's a full house.

Couple of the cards aren't living at home anymore.

Not anymore, dear. Thanks to mobile phones.

- No, no. - Oh.

- Do you know what language they speak in England? - Pakistani.

Oh, that's right, Kovacs, in many stores they do,

but we'll get into that tomorrow, boys and girls.

You owe me a kiss, Kovacs.

- I'm going to give you two. - All right, dear.

- Here's one on the cheek. - All right, mm.

- And here's a monkey bite! - (screams)

Oh! Oh, you wicked, wicked monkey! Oh!

Well, that's all for today. Bye-bye.

MAN: Cut.

That's a wrap, folks. Thank you very much.

- That was terrific. - That was good.

We're a smash. Number one in our time slot.

- Yeah? - Yes. Calls from Detroit,

Cleveland, Chicago, Los Angeles-- -Ooh.

- All with offers to syndicate. - Hollywood.

- Whoo! - Daniel? Daniel?

Yes? Miranda.

Could I talk to you?

Yeah. I'll be right out. Just wait here.

Welcome to Euphegenia's house.

A little drafty, but, you know, it's nice.

What can I do for you?

Well, first of all, congratulations on the show.

Well, thanks. You got to see the dress rehearsal, you know.

We've--

the kids-- we've been watching every day.

Well, it's nice to know they can see me every day.

Look, Daniel, I know it's going to take a long time

to get over all the fights

and all the horrible things we said to each other.

It's, uh, it's so hard.

But I know somehow, you and I will be all right. We'll get through this.

But the kids-- I-I--

I don't want to hurt our children.

So what do you want me to do?

You want me to pretend like everything's all right? Put on a happy face, smile?

Jesus, Miranda. You took my children away from me.

I can only see them now with supervision--

some woman who comes and watches me with the kids,

like I'm some sort of deviant.

If I try to hug 'em, she wonders why.

You know what that's like?

You just sat there in that courtroom. You knew the truth.

You didn't say a word, and you let that judge pass that despicable sentence.

I was angry. Look, you hurt me, too. -(scoffs)

- You ripped my heart out. You come back to do it again? - You know what?

- What? - I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to do any more "Who did what to whom?"

Ever since this happened, I've been trying to make sense out of it,

and the only thing I know to be true in my heart

is the children were happier

when Mrs. Doubtfire was part of their lives.

Oh. Yeah.

She... she brought out the best in them.

She brought out the best in you. -And you.

Yeah.

They miss her terribly.

- What are you saying? - Daniel, the kids need you.

I need them.

Well, tomorrow, we'll have Frank, who is a makeup artist--

- (knock) - Oh, a big knock at the door.

Who could that be, and do we have enough time?

Mr. Sprinkles, boys and girls.

Hello, Mr. Sprinkles. What do you have for me today?

- Mrs. "Doubtflyer," I've got a letter from Katie... - (doorbell rings)

It's the new babysitter.

Come on, guys. Come on. Get up. Let's go.

Come on.

It's gonna be all right. Chris, wait right over there.

Everybody...

Daddy.

- Hi. - What's going on?

I'm here to pick you up.

Your dad's going to take you for a few hours

- every day after school. - Really?

What about the courts? That legal stuff?

- Ask your mom. - I took care of it.

No more supervised visits. No more court liaison.

- Just us? - Just us.

(chuckles)

Go get Mr. Bear.

- Go get your stuff. Hurry up. - All right.

- Would you like to come in? - I'll wait outside.

Okay.

Thank you.

I'll see you.

(feminine voice) "Dear Mrs. Doubtfire,

two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate.

Now they live in different houses.

My brother Andrew says that we aren't a real family anymore.

Is this true? Did I lose my family?

Is there anything I could do to get my parents back together?

Sincerely, Katie McCormick."

Oh, my dear Katie.

You know, some parents, when they're angry,

they get along much better when they don't live together.

They don't fight all the time and they can become better people,

and much better mommies and daddies for you.

And sometimes they get back together.

And sometimes they don't, dear.

And if they don't, don't blame yourself.

Just because they don't love each other anymore,

doesn't mean that they don't love you.

There are all sorts of different families, Katie.

Some families have one mommy.

Some families have one daddy or-or two families.

And some children live with their uncle or aunt.

Some live with their grandparents, or some children live with foster parents.

And some live in separate homes in separate neighborhoods

in different areas of the country.

And they may not see each other for days, weeks, months,

or even years at a time.

But if there's love, dear...

those are the ties that bind.

And you'll have a family in your heart forever.

All my love to you, poppet.

You're going to be all right.

Bye-bye.

(music playing)