Original subtitles

Jer...

Jer...

My mum used to be

My mum used to be

used to be my dad.

Used to be my

Used to be my dad.

Snip, snip.

- Used to be my dad. - Snip.

I was jilted by a lesbian

By a lesbian

Bull dyke.

By a lesbian dwarf.

She gave good

But she gave good head.

Slurp, slurp.

But she gave good head. Slurp.

I used to be a lap-dancing

pre-operative transsexual.

A chick

A chick

A chick with a dick.

With a dick.

A chick with a dick.

With a dick.

I want to be

want to be

on TV.

Please let me be

on TV.

Choose me.

Please, me.

Please

let me,

Jer...

Jerry.

Jerry.

Jerry.

Excuse me. Is this the right room for The Dave Letterman Show?

You got the wrong room, pal. Loser.

- Fuck you. - Fuck you back.

When does it start?

How should I know?

I hope I get to see some bare breasts.

Me, too.

Why are all men such losers?

Nice to see the lesbian's in.

Cocksuckers.

I hope there's some fighting.

Of course there'll be some fighting, you stupid asshole.

Who are you calling asshole?

You, asshole.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Jerry Springer Show.

- Please will you welcome... - Jerry.

- Welcome... - Jerry.

Welcome your moderator and warm-up artist.

Jer...

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jonathan Wierus.

Oh, yeah.

Before the show starts, we gotta lay down a few rules.

Whatever.

Things get pretty hot up here so we gotta have a few rules.

Got the message.

Nobody's allowed on stage,

and nobody's allowed to throw things at the guests.

Don't throw things at the guests.

- Another rule. - What?

During the show, no heckling.

- What? - No heckling.

No heckling? What are you saying? Are you mad?

No way.

Apart from a

"Aaaah" for the good guys.

- Aaaah. - Yes, that's right.

- Aaaah. - You've got it.

And for the bad guys "boo".

- Boo. - Yup.

- Boo. - Great.

- Boo. - Yes, that's right.

- Boo. - Yes, that's right.

Save it for the show. Save it for the show.

And we like it when you say

Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry.

- Jerry, Jerry. - Jerry, Jerry.

- Jerry, Jerry. - Jerry, Jerry.

- Jerry, Jerry. - Jerry, Jerry.

- Jerry, Jerry. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

- Jerry, Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go.

Jerry, Jerry.

Come on. Come on. Everybody, let's go.

- Jerry, Jerry. - Go. Go.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Let's go. Let's go.

- Jerry. - Let's go.

- Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go.

- Jerry, Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go.

Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

- So just to recap. No heckling. - No heckling.

- No fighting. - No fighting.

- No throwing things or throwing up. - No throwing things or throwing up.

And most of all.

Most of all.

Seriously.

Seriously.

Especially,

obviously.

- Have yourselves a good time. - Good time.

- Have yourselves a good time. - Good time.

A good

Have a good

Have yourselves a real good time.

- Good time. - Good time.

- Good time. - Good time.

Good time. Jerry.

A good...

We want some action.

Ready for some action.

We want Jerry.

Where the fuck is Jerry?

- What do you want? - Lesbians fighting.

- What do you want? - Open-crotch sightings.

Pimps in bad suits, mothers who are prostitutes,

mutants, psychos, saddos, winos,

cocaine abusers with no noses.

- Bring on the losers. - Bring 'em on.

- Bring on the losers. - Bring 'em on. Bring 'em on.

Bring on the losers.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

losers.

Bring on the losers.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

losers.

- Are you ready? Are you ready? - Yes, we're ready. Yes, we're ready.

- Are you ready? Are you ready? - Oh, for fuck's sake, we are ready.

- We are. - Alright.

There's no need for sarcasm.

I'm only trying to

- do my frickin' job. - Yes, we are fucking ready.

- Tough crowd. - Ready.

- Really tough. - Ready.

- Trailer trash. - Fuck you!

Come on. Come on.

- Alright already. - Come on. Come on.

- Where the fuck is Jerry? - Come on. Come on.

The crowd is turning ugly.

Ladies and gentlemen,

people of most nations of the world.

Go, Jerry. Go, Jerry.

Jerry.

Welcome the host

of the greatest show on this earth.

Go, Jerry. Go, Jerry.

Jerry.

Bigger than Dave Letterman.

Bigger than Bob Hope.

And give or take a few million,

bigger than the fucking Pope.

- Lo! He comes. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

- Lo! He comes. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

- Jerry, Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go.

Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

- Go, Jerry. - Jerry.

- Go, Jerry. - Jerry.

- Welcome. Welcome to the show. - Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

How you doing?

Good to see you. Thank you.

Thank you and welcome to the show.

My guests today all have guilty secrets.

They also have partners

and wanna get those guilty secrets off their chests and come clean.

Please welcome my first guest with a guilty secret, Dwight.

Welcome to the show, Dwight.

- Hey, Jerry. Wassup? - Wassup?

- Wassup? - So, Dwight, what's on your mind?

I've been seeing my fiancée for two years.

Aw!

And we're gettin' married in two months.

Aw!

What is it you wanna tell your fiancée?

I've been seeing someone else. Someone else.

- Boo! - Someone else. Someone else.

- Boo! - Whatever.

- Boo! - Get over it.

And does your fiancée know this person?

- It's her best friend Zandra. - Boo!

- Whatever. - OK.

OK, OK. So, Dwight, you're getting married in two months.

Now, why would you cheat on your future wife?

I don't know, Jerry, it just happened.

But I really love her.

God, I really love her, but I gotta get my secret off my chest.

- Off his chest. - Off my chest.

Let's see how she feels about it. Please say hello to Peaches.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

- Pig. Pig. - Bitch. Bitch.

Hi, Peaches. Don't listen to them, they're just kidding.

Pig.

Welcome to the show, Peaches.

Do you know why you're here?

- No idea, Jerry. - So, how's the relationship?

- It's good. - Uh-huh.

- Real good. - Uh-huh.

Well, Dwight's got something to tell you. So go ahead, Dwight.

Baby, we've been going out for two years.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- Things are going good. - Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- But I got something to say. - Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- Something that's burning inside. - Uh-huh.

I've been seeing someone else.

I've been seeing someone else.

I've been seeing, seeing someone,

someone, seeing someone else.

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fucking, fucking fuck?

Peaches. Peaches. You seem surprised.

So, what would you like to say to Dwight?

- Who? Who? - Calm down, baby.

- Who? Who? - Take it easy. Try to chill.

- Who? Who? - She don't mean a thing to me.

- Who? Who? - She's just a tramp. Just a whore.

- Who? Who? - It ain't easy for me, baby.

Who? Who? Who? Who?

I've been seeing your best friend.

I've been seeing your best friend.

Your best friend. Your best friend.

If it's true, then fuck you.

Alright, let's bring out Peaches's best friend. Please welcome Zandra.

Dirty whore. Dirty whore. Filthy, dirty, manky, skanky slut whore.

Manky, skanky slut whore.

I remember when we was young.

We had some laughs.

We had some fun.

We lived on dreams.

We was full of hope.

Until I got addicted

to crack and dope.

Crack and dope.

Bitch.

- Steve. - Bitch!

- Steve. - Bitch!

- Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! - Steve.

- Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! - Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve.

- Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! - Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve.

- Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! - Bitch!

- Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! - Bitch!

- Bitch! - Bitch!

- Bitch! - Bitch!

Hi.

My name's Steve Wilcos. I'm head of security on The Jerry Springer Show.

You know, a lot of people ask me what are the hardest fights to break up.

I gotta tell you, it's, er, it's always the women.

- Bitch! - Bitch!

- Why'd you tell her, asshole? - Gotta fess up. Gotta fess up.

Peaches, it weren't me. It was the blow.

- Shut it, bitch! - Peaches.

- Crackhead. - Slut junkie.

Zandra.

Peaches has been your best friend from childhood.

Now, why would you cheat on your best friend?

He'd come round. Know what I'm saying? Know what I'm saying?

When he was stressed.

Know what I'm saying? Know what I'm saying?

I would sympathise.

Sympathise. Know what I'm saying? Know what I'm saying?

Crack whore.

Your partner has cheated on you. Your best friend has betrayed you.

You don't have to put up with this. You're the innocent one here.

A weird thing happened last night when I went to take a leak.

I ended up pissing on a man with a glorious physique.

I said "What on earth are you doing on the restroom floor?"

He said, "Don't ask stupid questions,

just piss on me some more."

"Piss on me, you whore."

I pissed some more.

I guess we all got our flaws, Jerry.

Well, I'm confused here, Peaches.

So, are you going to take him back?

- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. - Baby, I love you.

Well, I guess you got away with it this time, Dwight.

Jerry.

Jerry.

It's OK, it's my inner Valkyrie.

How can I help you today?

Jerry makes the morons fight,

but how does Jerry sleep at night?

How do I sleep? I sleep on my back. Thank you.

You know, it's easy to occupy the moral high ground.

What's more difficult is to confidently occupy

the moral low ground. Go away.

So, Dwight, you told our producers before the show

that you've got another secret.

- Baby, there's one more thing. - Uh-huh.

One more, baby. There's one more, baby. There's...

I've been seeing someone else.

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fucking, fucking fuck?

- Bring 'em on. - Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry.

- Chick with a dick. - I am a man.

- I am a man. - Chick with a dick.

I am a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

Tacky, tack-tack, tack-tacky queen.

Tacky, tack-tack, tack-tacky queen.

Hush all your shouting. You can hush all your bitching.

You can talk to the hand cos the face ain't listening.

Loser.

Loser.

- Talk to the hand. - Loser.

- Talk to the hand. - Loser.

- Talk to the hand. - Loser.

- Cos the face ain't listening. - Loser. Faggot.

Look at little piggy. See how she squeals.

My advice to you, bitch, get a face peel.

- Loser, loser, butt boy. - To the hand.

Loser, loser, butt boy.

Hush your dirty mouth, my tubby lady chimp.

Lose the facial hair and you might find a pimp.

- Loser, loser, loser. - To the hand.

Loser, loser, loser.

Talk to the hand.

You so tragic, you so sad,

cos your brother is your dad.

Talk to the hand.

You so slow, you so dumb,

cos you live off gay men's cum.

Do you want some? Do you want some?

Come and get it. Come and get it.

Do you want some? Do you want some?

Come and get it. Come and get it.

When you're dead and buried in the grass,

I'll dig you up and fuck you up the ass.

Talk to the hand.

- Cos the face ain't listening. - Talk to the hand.

- Cos the face ain't listening. - Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand cos the face ain't listening.

- Talk to the hand. - To the hand. To the hand.

- Talk to the hand. - To the hand. To the...

Vomit, vomit, vomit.

Puke up my guts. Throw up, re-vomit.

Kill all gays. Kill all gays.

Welcome to the show, Tremont.

So, Tremont, let me get this straight.

She says she's his. She says he's hers.

They say he's theirs. So I guess you're saying he's yours.

Now, what's going on?

He said that she said that I said

that I said that he said that she said

that they said that she said we both said that he said

that I said that you said something or other. I forget.

She said that he said that I said

that I said that she said that they said.

- He's mine. - I don't think so.

- He said that she said... - I don't think so. I don't think so.

- He's mine. He's mine. - He's mine. He's mine.

He said that she said, he said that you said.

- Does it really matter? - What?

Does it really matter?

What?

Cos

at the end of the day

I...

I...

I...

I love you.

I love you.

Chick with a dick with a heart.

Chick with a dick with a heart.

Chick with a dick with a heart.

Ladyboy.

L-L-L-L-Ladyboy. F-F-F-F-Faggot.

Butt boy.

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fucking, fucking fuck?

OK. OK, Dwight. So,

who's it gonna be?

I want my baby back.

Peaches, baby, please come back.

They don't mean shit to me.

They're just whores and douchebags.

Steve.

Steve.

Well, Peaches, it's your call. Where do we go from here?

You don't see me cry.

You don't see me cry.

I just say goodbye.

Bisexual, bye-bye.

Bisexual, bye-bye.

- Bisexual, bye-bye. - Bisexual, bye-bye.

You're just a tramp.

Come back, baby.

You're just a crack whore.

It wasn't me, it was the smack.

You're just a butt-plugging, corn-holing, man-loving,

- sodomising, boy-fucking... - Talk to the hand.

- ...crazy dirtbag. - Talk to the hand.

You're all scum.

Talk to the hand.

You're all scum.

Loser.

Loser.

Loser.

More secrets after these commercials. Don't go away.

You may look beautiful now,

but in ten years,

you're gonna look like a dog.

The future is ugly. The future is ugly.

What's to become of me? What's to become of me?

Surgery.

Doctor Knife. Doctor Knife. Keeping you young for the rest of your life.

Are you insured? Are you insured?

No insurance means no cure.

You'll die alone in your home.

- Screaming in agony. - Screaming in agony.

- Retching and puking. - From every orifice.

Think you'd better get insured.

Don't let weight problems spoil your night.

Throw away your diets

and use a parasite.

Some people do as they think they should.

Others get Viagra and get wood.

- Jerry, Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go.

Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Thank you. Welcome...

If you all like Jerry, clap your hands.

If you all like Jerry, clap your hands.

If you all like Jerry, clap your hands.

Then slap your glands and fuck your best friend's wife.

Oh, slap your glands and fuck your best friend's wife.

Thank you and welcome back.

My next guest with a guilty secret is Montel.

So, Montel, what's on your mind?

I've been seeing Andrea here

- and we're in love. - Ah!

- We're in love. - Ah!

We're in love.

Ah!

- What is it you want to tell Andrea? - Well, Jerry.

Don't talk to me, talk to Andrea.

Baby, I love you with all of my heart

but there is one thing you could do for me

which could change

my life.

Change my life.

Tell me, baby. Tell me, baby.

- Well, baby. - Tell me, baby. Tell me, baby.

Well, baby.

Tell me, baby. Tell me, baby. Tell me, baby. Tell me, baby.

Tell me.

I wanna be your baby,

baby.

You are my baby,

baby.

What I mean is,

I wanna be your baby.

What?

Be your baby.

- You've gotta be kidding. - Be your baby. Be your baby.

- You've gotta be kidding. - Be your baby. Be your baby.

- Tell me this is bullshit. - Be your baby. Be your baby.

I want to be your baby, baby.

B-A-B with a Y.

- What the fuck? - B-A-B-Y.

If baby gets bad,

if baby gets slack,

Momma give B-A-B-Y big, big smack.

- Montel, what are you saying? - Baby.

Stop it. What the fuck is happening here?

- Baby. Baby. - Stop it. Watch it.

Montel, Montel, what the fuck is going on here?

Momma get all angry.

Stop it, Montel.

- Stop it. - Andrea...

You seem upset.

So, what is it you want to say to Montel?

- Montel. - Momma.

- Stop this. - Momma.

- We can... - Momma.

Work it out.

It would mean a lot to me, baby.

Get some therapy.

It would help in the bed department.

- Bed department? - Yes.

Are you saying I'm bad in bed?

No, baby.

- What, then? - Well...

Spit it out. Spit it out. Are you trying to say you're gay?

- No, baby. It's so very hard. - Put your pants on.

- Be a man and tell me. - So hard.

- So hard. - Tell me.

- Well... - What?

- It's... - What?

- Er... - What?

- What? - What?

Please don't tell us, we can guess.

Will you get out of my head? I'm working here.

Now get.

Some people like to relax in casinos,

others get their kicks shoving powder up their nose.

That's how it is.

That's how it is.

That's how it is. That's how it is.

Some people chill with a pill or a reefer,

others like to eat their lunch off a whore's beaver.

That's how it is.

That's how it is.

For some, morning mass, for others, hairy ass.

I got a need, a special desire,

a little thing, a harmless thing which sets my soul on fire,

which sends me spinning into space and puts me in a trance.

A little thing, a harmless thing.

A little thing, a harmless thing.

I just wanna shit my pants.

Oh, I just wanna shit my pants.

Oh, pooping in my Calvin Kleins.

It might seem pathetic, might show a lack of class.

I only feel the real me

when the shit's

pouring outta my ass.

So, spit it out, Montel, what's the big secret?

I had to get my diaper action.

Had to get my diaper action.

I've been seeing Baby Jane.

Please welcome Baby Jane.

This is my Jerry Springer moment.

I don't want this moment to die.

So dip me in chocolate

and throw me to the lesbians.

I don't want this moment to die.

This is her Jerry Springer moment.

She don't want this moment to die.

So dip her in chocolate

and throw her to the lesbians.

To the lesbians.

She don't want this moment to die.

- Thank you, Baby Jane. - Jerry!

Oh, er... No, not right now. Nice dress.

So, Baby Jane, what is it you want to say to Andrea?

- Momma gimme smack on the asshole. - Disgusting.

- Momma gimme smack every night. - Do you want some?

Momma gimme smack on the asshole.

- Everything will be alright. - You fucking sicko.

You frickin' pervert. I'm gonna whup your ass.

Dirty, stealing, stupid, fucking bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

- Momma. - Bitch.

- Momma. - Bitch.

- Bitch. - Momma.

- Bitch. - Momma.

Bitch. Bitch.

Everything will be al...

Go, go, girl. Take her eyes out.

Go, go, girl. Rip her hair out.

Nothing more exciting than bitches fighting.

Nothing more exciting than bitches fighting.

Go, go, girl. Slash her Kmart pants.

Go, go, girl. Burst her implants.

Alright. Alright. Alright.

So, Montel,

Andrea is your partner of two years.

Surely you must have something to say to her.

If you feel blue,

my advice to you

is...

- Poop your fucking pants. - Poop your fucking pants.

- Poop your fucking pants. - Poop your fucking pants.

- Poop your fucking pants. - Why don't you poop your pants?

- Poop your fucking pants. - Poop your pants. Poop your pants.

Poop your pants. Poop your fu-u-u-u-u-ucking pants.

- Stop this fucking shit. - Loser. Loser.

- Show me some respect. - Loser. Loser.

Do you want some?

Who-o-o-oa, bitch.

You know,

I never wanted to be a talk-show host.

Well, here we go.

- Bitch. - Do you want some?

Come and get it. Come and get it, motherfuckers.

Come and get it. Come and get it.

I wish you could like her.

Like her then wipe her

- diaper. - Fuck you.

Diaper pooping. Diaper pooping.

- Diaper. - That's enough.

Diaper pooping. Diaper pooping.

- Diaper. - Baby, please.

Who-o-o-oa, diaper.

- Baby. - Pooping.

- Baby. - Diaper.

Pooping.

Diaper.

Dia-Dia-Dia-Diaper.

More guilt after the break. Don't go away.

I want to sing something beautiful.

OK, honey, that's enough.

I want to sing something positive.

Why don't we carry this on in the green room?

I want to learn how to dream again.

To feel again.

Look, we really gotta wind this up now.

- I wanna stand on top... - Thank you.

- ...of a hill... - Steve.

In the arms of my lover,

bathed in the light

of rainbows,

with spring in my heart

and love by my side.

Oh, stay with me. Stay with me.

Stay with me, baby.

Stay with me. Stay with me.

Stay with me, baby.

No motivation.

No idea. No aim.

No problem.

No worries.

Novocaine.

Buy a gun. Buy a big gun.

Have some fun with a big gun.

Ooh, look at my gun. Look at my big gun.

Ooh, look at my gun. Look at my big gun. You could have a gun, too.

Yes, you could have a gun, too, but you gotta buy it first.

Bounce back.

Bounce back.

Bounce back with Prozac.

Give in to Jesus.

Give in to Jesus or alternatively die.

Die a ho-o-o-o-o-o-orrible,

die a horrible death. Jesus.

The first time I saw Jerry on TV,

I knew that there was hope for me.

When I saw how he worked the crowd,

I knew that he could help me out.

Before that, I was empty inside.

I had considered suicide.

But now I'm a vital member of Jerry's team.

But sometimes I wonder how much he values me.

What the fuck is that idiot warm-up man doing out there?

He's turning my people into a mob.

You're right, Steve, he's got to go.

Hey, Jerry, what can I say, man? Tough crowd.

Nice to see you, Jonathan.

Sorry if I let those assholes get a little too loud.

Those assholes are my audience.

Jerry, don't bullshit me.

You and me both, we know they are scum.

Filthy cock-sucking scum.

Your job is to control those scum

and keeping them from upstaging my guests.

Pimps and perverts, teenage whores,

people so fat they get stuck in revolving doors.

And we get them through those doors and onto a plane to Chicago.

Sluts and faggots,

gimps eating maggots.

We never had a maggot-eating gimp on this show.

- Jerry, you could do anything. - What are you talking about?

You could run for Senate or even president.

If I want my dick sucked, I'll call my agent.

Looks like you're cruising, playing it safe.

You're way out of line, pal.

You need a challenge and I got just the thing.

Gonna make you sweat when you're in the ring.

Jonathan, let's cut this short.

You need help. Help and a new job.

No! You...

So thanks for this little chat.

Oh, and good luck in the warm-up industry.

Sorry, faggots, if I'm outta line.

Sorry if I'm taking too much of your time.

Mister Fucking Big Shot, sun shines out his ass,

take your job and shove it. It's been such a blast.

That's the last we'll see of him.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I'm so lonely.

That went well.

You know, when I was a younger man,

I was passionate about civil rights,

education, the anti-war movement.

I was even elected to the city council.

And then one day, I, er, I went to a prostitute,

and I paid her with a cheque.

Next day it was all over. But I faced up to it.

And later I was elected mayor of Cincinnati.

That's the third largest city... in Ohio.

There are only two things you need to know about politics. One,

you'll never get anywhere unless you have the courage to speak up

about what you know to be the truth. And two,

some things should always be paid for in cash.

My cards? Where are my cards?

- Jerry, Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go.

Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

- Hello. - Oh, Jerry.

- How are you? - Oh, Jerry.

- Jerry. - Thank you and welcome back.

Thank you. And now our final guest. Please say hello to Shawntel.

Fat bitch. Fat bitch.

- Shut up. Shut up. Sit down. - Dumb ho.

- Shut up. Shut up. Sit down. - Dumb ho.

Shawntel, it says here that you want to be a pole dancer.

All my life

All my life, I've been running after other people,

looking after them, cleaning up their shit,

now I wanna find my dreams again.

- What? In a strip club? - Good one.

Bug-eyed loser, strip slut.

Bug-eyed loser, strip slut.

- Talk to the ass. - Strip slut.

- Talk to the ass. - Strip slut.

- You fucking bitch. - What did...?

Shawntel, I can see you have a lot of natural talent.

I also see here that you're married. So, what does your husband think?

I don't know. We don't talk.

Well, let's bring him on and find out. Please welcome Chucky.

Hillbilly. Hillbilly. Squeal like a piggy.

Hillbilly. Hillbilly. Squeal like a piggy. Eeeeee!

Put your fucking clothes on, you stupid bitch.

- Don't you touch me... - You stupid bitch!

- ...or I'll kill you in your sleep. - You stupid bitch.

- Cocksucker. Talk to the ass. - You look ridiculous.

- Talk to the ass. - You look ridiculous.

So, I take it you're not too thrilled with Shawntel's pole-dancing dreams?

She looks like a clown.

She looks like a slut.

He don't know shit. He never saw me dance.

But he watches other women dance every night

- with his buddies. - Yeah, right.

Well, let's see her dance. We have a pole.

We have some music. Let's go.

Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance,

dance, dance, dance, strip slut.

Shake that booty, strip slut.

- Shake that booty, strip slut. - Bullshit!

I don't give a fuck no more

if people think I am a whore.

I just wanna dance.

Oh, I just wanna dance.

Things are going bad for me.

I am feeling sad for me.

So, I just wanna dance.

Oh, I just wanna dance.

I'm tired of laughing, I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of failing, and I'm tired of all this trying.

I wanna do some living cos I've done enough dying.

I just wanna dance.

I just wanna fucking dance.

Oh, dance.

Dance.

She's tired of laughing, she's tired of crying.

She's tired of failing and she's tired of all this trying.

She wants to do some living cos she's done enough dying.

She just wants to dance.

She just wants to fucking dance.

Dance.

- She just wants to fucking dance. - Dance.

Dance.

- I just wanna fucking... - Thank you, Shawntel.

But we've got another guest

who's none too happy with your choice of career.

Your mother Irene.

It has no name.

It is a whore.

- It has no name. - Momma.

- It is a whore. - Momma.

- It will burn. - Momma.

- It will fry. - Momma.

You're just a sack of misery.

Everything you touch turns to cancer.

Hope you die

slow with pain swimming round your ugly ass,

your skanky sorry ass.

Welcome to the show, Irene.

I, erm, sense some hostility towards your daughter.

Some are descended from angels.

Others are descended from apes.

Some are the result of romantic love.

Others the result of rapes.

Well, I wish she'd died at birth.

And I wish you'd died at birth, too.

Well, at least you agree on one thing.

So, Chucky, how do you fit into all of this?

If she don't stop, I'll find me another woman.

What are you gonna do? Buy her or drug her?

Gonna find me something to replace her tainted, sagging old skin.

Good. Good. I'm tired of your little dick flesh.

It's so small I get more pleasure

from fucking myself with my own clitoris.

All women are whores.

Whores or sluts or prostitutes.

You don't know shit.

You don't know shit.

He's just an inbreed three-nippled cousin-fucker.

Inbreed three-nippled cousin-fucker. Three-nippled cousin-fuck...

Inbreed three-nippled cousin-fucker. Three-nippled cousin-fuck...

Three-nippled cousin-fuck... Three-nippled cousin-fucker.

You're the innocent one, Chucky.

I ain't easy, but I'm honest.

So, no secrets, then?

I like flowers more than people.

No, Jerry.

Well, that's strange, Chucky,

because we followed you around with our secret camera, the Jerrycam.

And to be honest, we were a little surprised by what we saw.

He came, he saw, he Jerrycam.

He came, he saw, he Jerrycam.

Veni, vidi, Jerrycam.

Veni, vidi, Jerrycam.

Adoremus Jerrycam.

Benedictus Jerry fucking...

Bring on the Klan.

No, not the fucking Klan.

Bring on the Klan.

No, not the fucking Klan.

No, not the fucking Klan.

Well, I guess it would be rude not to. Please welcome the Ku Klux Klan.

Come on, boys.

Come on.

Get your fuckin' hands off of me. You fucked-up...

This is our Jerry Springer moment.

We don't want this moment to die.

So dip us in chocolate

and throw us to the lesbians.

We don't want this moment to die.

Jews and blacks will go to hell.

New York Democrats as well.

We don't want this moment to

die.

Die.

Die.

Die.

Die.

Die.

Die.

Die.

Die.

Die.

Die.

We're running out of time. My final thought.

Die.

I've been shot.

I'm confused. Why would I get shot?

Wow! That's some medication they got me on.

Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

- Jerry. - Oh, Jerry.

Jerry.

Are you sure that's mine? I never eat sweet corn.

Steve!

It's good to see you.

Oh, you never let me down. But you didn't take that bullet.

Just kidding.

Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

- Jerry. - Oh, Jerry.

Jerry.

Steve, how cool is this? Singing nurses,

a giant cigar and, look, my own moving chair.

Is there a problem here?

Visitors.

I hope they brought me some grapes.

We eat, excrete and watch TV.

And you are there for us, Jerry.

Jerry, can you understand?

We sit out in nowhereland,

wanting and yearning,

our bloated stomachs churning.

Eat, excrete and watch TV.

You are there for us, Jerry.

Steve, let me get this straight.

- You eat, excrete... - And watch TV.

- But I am there for you? - Jerry.

Steve, what exactly are they saying here?

Jerry, you're so difficult.

They're exactly saying that they eat, excrete and watch TV

but you are there for them, Jerry.

Oh, well, it's so nice of you guys to take time out of your day to drop by.

I never knew I had so many friends.

So, how's it going with you guys?

To be frank, pretty fucked.

Well, I can sympathise.

Ratings are low. I've got a class-action suit pending.

Not to mention this bullet-wound-in-the-chest thing.

Come and see.

Come and see what you have done

to me.

Steve, this sounds like lawyer talk.

Don't say anything.

One day you're 17,

17, 17.

Then just before you're 18, 18,

suddenly, suddenly,

you realise you're 56.

56? Well, you've got your whole life ahead of you.

You're one good-looking woman.

He was handsome.

He was smart.

He betrayed every friend.

He broke every heart.

But one day he awoke

to a scene that made him heave.

He'd been drugged up and fucked

by some sailors on leave.

Sailors on leave.

Hired and paid for by me.

You hired him a sailor, Shawntel? Jeez, Chucky, you're a lucky guy.

All my wife ever got me was a reflexologist.

I came home from a titty bar,

where I'd spent all night.

She covers me in kerosene

and sets me fucking alight.

Fry.

You set him on fire, your husband of 15 years?

What was it, your anniversary?

Light of my life,

fire of my loins,

lover and laugher

and drinker and friend.

You stole my dreams.

You broke my jaw.

But you said you were sorry

so I came back for more.

Stupid whore.

Came back for more.

Stupid whore.

Came back for more.

More, more.

More, more.

More.

You know, if there's one thing that really sickens me, it's violence.

Unless it's on TV, in a carefully controlled environment.

When you fall in love,

it could last forever.

But usually it lasts about a month.

So I shot myself in the head

but I missed and ended up half dead.

Now there's a hole where my brain used to be.

I'm hooked to a monitor. I find it hard to pee.

I slur and I dribble and I live off my drip feed

but I still can get a hard-on if I jerk till I bleed.

Jerk

till I bleed.

Jerk till I bleed.

Jerk till I bleed.

At least something good came out of it.

I made love

to a dying man.

I knew he was dying

cos I was holding the pillow

over his face.

Steve, I think we'd better get out of here.

There is only one cure

for unrequited love.

Chocolate and howling at the moon.

Eat, excrete and watch TV.

Eat, excrete and watch TV.

You know what? It's been great catching up with you guys.

And you've taken some knocks,

but you've gotta pick yourselves up.

Dust yourselves off and have a magical day.

Behind you. Behind you.

Behind you.

Dies irae.

Dies irae.

What now?

Dead woman walking.

Dead woman walking.

Baby Jane, you look like shit. What happened to you?

Momma gave me smack on the asshole.

Momma gave me smack on the head.

But Momma gave me smack with a monkey wrench

and now I am dead.

You know, Steve,

a person with less broadcasting experience might feel responsible.

Your dreams take place in Manhattan.

Ours take place in Minnesota.

Your dreams are driven in a Bentley.

Ours in a rusty Skoda.

Big dreams

and small dreams,

like all dreams

just stay dreams.

I guess this must be what guilt feels like.

That was my Jerry Springer moment.

I didn't want that moment

to die.

Seen all over the planet

on worldwide TV,

except developing countries

and Germany.

I'll never understand why they didn't pick the show up in Germany.

But don't get me started.

Oh, how my heart

aches for love.

Aches for love.

Oh, how my heart

aches for love.

Aches for love.

- Oh, how my heart - Oh, how my heart

- Oh, how my heart - Oh, how my heart

aches,

aches,

aches.

Alright, let's clear up a basic misunderstanding right now.

You all wanted to come on the show.

You all had your 15 seconds of fame.

You all got to stay in a three-star hotel.

You all got an expenses-paid trip,

minus minibar bills, Chucky, to Chicago.

And, remember, that's Chicago, the Windy City.

The city of, of...

wind.

You all knew the risks. You signed the disclaimer.

So stop breaking my balls and get out of my...

Steve, where the fuck are we?

Jerry, Jerry,

you have been chosen.

Chosen?

Is that a good thing? Could you be a little more specific?

Chosen.

- Chosen. - Chosen for what?

Will you people stop fucking with me?

Lo! He comes.

Lo! He comes.

Oh, great! It's that loser warm-up guy, Jonathan Wierus.

Wrong. Him am the devil.

- Ooh, yes, I'm evil. - Him am not good.

The opposite, in fact.

In fact, him a total cunt.

One way of putting it.

Him act as total cunt should. What a cunt.

What a cunt.

What a cunting, cunting, cunting, cunting cunt.

- You're telling me you're the devil? - Yes.

It takes more than a little red suit to be the devil.

Steve, throw this psycho out of here.

I don't think so.

N-N-N-N-N...

- Steve! - Naughty.

- N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Naughty. - Steve, Steve!

OK, OK, hang on, hang on.

So maybe I was a little hasty with that firing thing.

That is of no concern.

Though it was not what I deserved.

I simply come to take you down

to hell where you will...

Serve.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Time out! Let's rewind this a little.

Now, I don't want to serve in hell.

At this stage in my career, that would be a sideways move.

Come, Jerry, gird your loins, for we must journey south of heaven.

Step into this elevator and set a course for the basement level.

Fall with me.

- Fall with him. - I've got a table booked at The Ivy.

If you're proud and you walk tall,

you only got further to fall.

Like the apple on the tree, you'll soon succumb to gravity.

Fall with me.

Fall with him.

Fall, fall, fall, fall, fall, fall.

Fall, fall, fall, fall, fall, fall.

Doesn't matter what you are, prince or pauper, king or clown,

there is no greater act of love

than going down.

- Going down with me. - Steve!

- Going down with him. - I can't go to hell. I'm Jewish.

Surrender your mortal soul.

Let life swallow you up whole.

Wipe off that suspicious frown,

cos, baby, we all gotta go down.

- The white man. - Gotta go down.

- The black man. - Gotta go down.

The red man, green man, pink man, beige man.

Gotta go, gotta go d-d-down, d-d-down.

- The tax man. - Down.

- The gas man. - Down.

- The VAT man. - Down.

- The weatherman. - Down.

- The snowman. - Down.

- The doorman. - Down.

- The woman man. - Down.

Down, down.

Down, down.

Down, down.

Down, down.

Wait,

Prince of Darkness,

punish him not.

Jerry is not to blame.

With or without Jerry's show,

we'd all end up the same.

Men and women, black and white,

transsexual girls and boys,

the burned and crippled,

blind, the maimed,

distorted,

destroyed.

For society

has an ugly face.

Contorted,

smeared with shit.

Jerry did not make it so.

He merely holds a mirror to it.

That's right, what she said there.

I do the mirror thing.

Tell him again. Tell him again.

- The Wicker Man. - Gotta go down.

- Elephant Man. - Gotta go down.

- The Piltdown Man. - Gotta go down.

- The blah-blah man. - Gotta go down.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

- Blah. - Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah.

- Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah. - Blah, blah.

The man with hair and the man with none,

the man with the knife and the man with the gun,

the man on the moon and the man on the farm,

the man with a needle stuck in his arm,

the man on the crapper with voices in his head,

the man who wishes every other man was dead,

the man with ten kids and a loving wife,

the man who has nothing to show for his life.

Every last motherfucker should go down.

Every last motherfucker should go down.

Every last motherfucker should go down.

- Down. - Wait a minute.

I'm confused here.

Why are you dragging me down to hell? I don't deserve this.

I'm not a bad guy. I just got lucky, that's all.

I mean, Jesus, is that a sin?

- No. - You see? They agree.

I take you to hell

to solve a problem

that's been chapping my ass

since the dawn of time.

Since the dawn of time.

You've got the wrong guy.

I don't solve problems.

I just televise them. Now, what do you want from me?

I want you to do a show for me.

Let me get this straight. You want me to do a show for you,

the devil, in hell?

Look, I'm under exclusive contract to USA Studios.

They've got a building full of lawyers.

You'd have to talk to the head of the company and he's not here.

Yes, he is. Yes, he is.

Show business.

Razzle-dazzle. Razzle-dazzle. Show business.

Do your greatest show for me. Turn chaos into harmony.

- And if I refuse? - For all eternity,

you will be, you will be...

Fried and flambéed.

Baked and sautéed.

- Steamed and stewed. - Then.

- Barbecued. - Then.

- Grilled and roasted. - Then.

Lightly toasted.

- Then, then, then, then. - Then, what?

Fucked up the ass

with barbed wire.

OK, so that's the downside.

So, what's the upside if I succeed in this? What's in it for me?

Not getting ass-fucked

with barbed wire.

So, what are the hours?

Jerry is going to hell.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Hot enough for ya?

Hot enough for ya?

- Jerry's going... - No!

To hell.

Hell.

Hell.

Hell.

Hot enough for ya?

Hot enough for ya?

Hot enough for ya?

Hot enough for ya?

Demons and devils,

incubi and succubi,

and princes and princesses of hell,

welcome for one night only

or perhaps for all eternity.

He's bigger than the planet earth.

Bigger than the biggest big.

Biggie, biggie, biggie, big.

Biggie, biggie, biggie, biggie, big.

- Lo! He comes. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

- Lo! He comes. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Laudamus Jerry.

- Te adoremus. - Biggie, biggie, big.

Laudamus Jerry.

- Te adoremus. - Biggie, biggie, big.

Big.

Steve, this all seems strangely familiar.

Baby Jane.

- So, what am I supposed to do? - Just say the cards.

Hello and welcome to a very special edition of The Jerry Springer Show.

That's me. That's my show.

You know, from time immemorial, heaven and hell have been at war.

But is there a way of reconciling the irreconcilable

and giving both parties some sense of closure and a chance to move on?

Hey, wait a minute. Look, I don't do, never have done

and never will do conflict resolution.

- Then you will fry. - Please welcome my first guest,

the Prince of Darkness, Satan.

- Satan, Satan. - Go, Satan, go.

Satan, Satan.

Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan.

Satan, Satan, Sa...

Once in happy realms of light,

I was transcendental,

golden

and bright.

Bright.

But I rebelled and was cast down,

forced to surrender

my celestial crown.

Oh,

my crown.

Oh.

Then God hurled me from the skies,

not merciful enough

to let

me die.

Let me die.

Confounded,

immortal I.

Paradise

lost

and pain eternal.

Pain eternal.

You seem upset.

So, what exactly do you want?

I want it to be just like old times,

with Baby Jesus by my side.

I want my old wings back, as well.

Wanna get out of this dump called hell.

But first and most importantly,

I want a fucking apology.

- Apology. - An apology?

You instigated a coup d'état against God in heaven.

You went down to earth and you led mankind into a whole world of shit.

And you want me to get the good guys to apologise to you?

Are you out of your mind?

How in hell am I supposed to do that?

Just read the cards.

This is your handwriting, I suppose.

Let's see if we can get an apology from my next guest,

the hypocrite son of the fascist tyrant on high,

Jesus of Nazareth.

Jesus, Jesus, what the fuck?

Coming here, pushing his luck.

Make him wear a thorny crown.

Grab his pants and pull them down.

Old friend,

old foe,

I missed you.

Jesus, what a beautiful moment.

Jesus,

Satan has something he wants to say to you.

Go ahead, Satan.

Fu...

Fu...

Fu...

Fu... Fu-Fu...

Fu... Fu-Fu...

Fu... Fu...

Ta...

Fu...

Fu...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Fu...uu-uu... - Ta...aa-aa...

- Fu...uu-uu... - Ta...aa-aa...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Fu... - Ta...

Ta...

Fu...

Ta...

Fu...

- Ta... - Fu...

- Ta... - Fu...

- Ta... - Fu...

- Ta... - Fu...

- Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu...

- Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu...

- Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu...

- Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu...

- Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu...

- Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... - Ta...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Fu... - Ta...

- Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu...

- Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... - T!

- Ta... - Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu...

- Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu... - T!

Fu-Fu...ck

you.

Talk to the

stigmata.

Always has to have the last word.

That's right.

- Apologise. - Son of Man.

- Apologise. - Son of Man.

It ain't gonna happen. Sit down on your ass.

It ain't gonna happen. Sit down on your ass.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Give me a second.

Satan, what are you doing here? You're making the situation worse.

Jesus has flown a long way to be here today.

This is not his neighbourhood.

Show him a little courtesy.

So he turned some water into wine.

Ooh!

So he walked across the frickin' seas.

Ooh!

So you got yourself crucified.

Here's a little biscuit from me.

I am Jesus,

Son of Man,

son of Mary,

son of God.

So do not,

do not,

do not fuck with me!

Ooh, scared.

I do not want your biscuit.

I want your love

and your respect.

For I am love

and I love all mankind.

- Jesus is gay. - Pathetic!

- Jesus is gay. - Gimme a break!

G-A-Y, gay! G-A-Y, gay!

Actually,

I am a bit gay.

G-A-Y, gay! G-A-Y, gay!

- G-A-Y, gay! G-A-Y, gay! - Satan.

Satan,

between you and me, if you want to achieve anything here,

you and your people are going to have to work with me on this.

Just read the cards.

Oh, Jesus!

You call yourself Jesus but you are not worthy of the name.

- Who wrote this shit? - The cards.

Let's meet two other guests who are also after an apology from Jesus.

He was fashioned from a lump of clay.

And she showed kindness to a snake.

The mother and father of humanity, Adam and Eve.

Put your fucking clothes on, you stupid bitch.

- Don't you touch me... - You stupid bitch!

- ...or I'll kill you in your sleep. - You stupid bitch.

- Cocksucker. Talk to the ass. - You look ridiculous.

- Talk to the ass. - She looks ridiculous.

Welcome to the show.

How's the relationship going?

All women are whores.

Whores or sluts or prostitutes.

He don't know shit.

He don't know shit.

He's just a piece of...

- Shut it. Slut! - Shut it. Gimp!

Whatever.

Putting aside your domestic grievances for just a moment,

Eve, what is it you want to say to Jesus?

- For one little apple... - Don't talk to me. Talk to Jesus.

For one little apple on a little tree,

we get a life of grief and misery.

She made me do it, made me do it.

You had your chance and you blew it.

Forbidden fruit.

Forbidden fruit.

But vegetables allowed.

- God's plan. - One little apple.

- God's plan. - Just a little apple.

- She made me do it, made me do it. - God's plan. God's plan.

Just a little apple. One little apple.

- Just a little apple. - Blame it on the snake, man.

One little apple.

- Just a little apple. - God's plan.

What the fuck? What the fuck?

What the fucking, fucking fuck?

That's just great, Jesus. You hit a woman.

I think you should apologise to her.

You followed the way

of ambition and vanity.

But it was me

who had to redeem humanity.

You're weeping now

but you didn't give a toss

when I was crying out,

crying out,

crying out on the cross.

On the cross.

- On the cross. - Always with the crucifixion.

Whatever!

That was 2,000 years ago.

Instead of banging on about it,

why don't you get over it

and give us all a fucking break?

Enough of this shit. Get on with it.

I'm trying to get on with it. I'm trying to get you your apology,

but this is an impossible situation.

Fucked up the ass

with barbed wire.

I'm not going to read this. There's no point.

Barbed wire.

Well, Satan, we've got a surprise guest

who wants to give her version of events.

Please welcome the teenage mother of Jesus, Mary.

Raped by an angel.

Raped by an angel.

Raped by an angel.

Raped by God.

What exactly are you saying here?

Where were you when I was on my own?

Where were you when they rolled the stone?

Where were you when I was getting old?

Where were you when I was sick and bald?

Where? Where?

Where were you?

Where? Where?

- Where were you? - Jesus wasn't there. He didn't care.

Where were you when the children cried?

Where were you when the children died?

Where were you when I was crucified?

Where were you when they pierced my side?

Where?

Where?

- Where were you? - Wasn't there. Didn't care.

Where? Where?

Where were you?

Doesn't know. Didn't show. Never there. Doesn't care!

Where were you when he got fleas?

Where were you when he lost his keys?

Where were you when her pants don't fit?

Where were you when the condom split?

- Is it me? - When the condom split.

- Somebody help me out here. - When the condom split.

You really gotta help me out. I don't know what to do.

We're tired of laughing

and we're tired of crying.

We're tired of failing.

- We're tired of all this trying. - I don't know what to do.

We wanna do some living

cos we've done enough dying.

So come on, Jerry Springer,

- and just read the fucking cards. - I don't have any cards.

Cards.

Just read the fucking cards.

Just read the fucking cards.

- I don't have any more cards! - Well, neither do I.

I can't get you your apologies.

This isn't fair. It's a set-up!

There's no way of solving this, short of a miracle.

Behold God!

We are beholding him.

Behold God!

We are beholding him.

- Then, behold him more! - What?

- Behold him more! - God?

Oh, thank God. Thank God, you're here.

It ain't easy being me.

It so ain't easy being me.

Billions of voices making all the wrong choices,

then turning round and blaming me.

I tell ya,

it ain't easy being me.

- It ain't easy being him. - It ain't.

- It so ain't easy being him. - It ain't.

Billions of voices making all the wrong choices.

It...

It ain't easy being me.

God.

You weren't on Satan's list of guests. What are you doing here?

What do you want?

Sit in heaven beside me.

Hold my hand and guide me.

Cos it ain't easy being me.

In fact, it's difficult.

Sit in heaven beside you, hold your hand and guide you?

Well, that's a no-brainer!

I'm your man. And, Satan.

You can take that barbed wire and stick it up your own ass.

Back into your sky.

- Jerry stays here to fry. - No, no, no, no.

- Fry! - He's mine.

- I don't think so. I don't think so. - He's mine.

He's mine. I don't think so.

- He's mine. He's mine. - He's mine. He's mine.

- I don't think so. I don't think so. - I don't think so. I don't think so.

I don't think so.

What the fuck?

- Fry! - Save us, Jerry. Save us, Jerry.

- Fry! - Steve, do something.

Seize the day and act, Jerry.

Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry. Jerry, burn.

Anybody, help!

Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry.

Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry.

Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry.

Jerry's gonna fry. Jerry's gonna fry.

Wait! Wait!

At least give me one chance to sort this out.

I have a dream.

I have a dream where everyone here turns to their neighbour

and shakes them by the hand and says,

"You know, you're not such a bad guy."

"Why don't you come on over? My wife's making meat loaf."

- Seize the day. - Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry.

Wait, wait! At least give me a second chance to sort this out.

Four score and seven years ago,

our forefathers brought forth on this continent

a new nation conceived in liberty,

conceived in freedom

and in...

other abstract concepts,

like smell. I-I...

- Burn, Jerry. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

At least give me a third chance to sort this out.

There's just one thing I want to say to everyone here today.

Please.

Please don't kill me. Please.

- Seize the day. - Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry.

What the heck! Go ahead and burn me if it makes you happy. See if I care.

You're never gonna agree on everything.

And what's so bad about that?

Satan, you're never gonna get your apologies.

And, God, you just don't get a shoulder to cry on.

And, Jesus.

Grow up, for Christ's sake, and put some fucking clothes on.

Haven't you people heard of yin and yang,

love and hate,

attraction and repulsion?

It's the human condition we're talking about here.

Energy is pure delight.

Nothing is wrong and nothing is right.

And everything that lives is holy.

And, in conclusion,

fuck you.

Fuck you all!

Everything that lives

is holy.

Energy

is delight.

We stand together,

joined,

joined in might.

Energy is pure delight.

Nothing is wrong and nothing is right.

Energy is pure delight.

Nothing is wrong and nothing is right.

Let poets through the ages tell

how Springer united

heaven and hell.

What did I say?

This is his Jerry Springer moment.

Him don't want him moment to die.

Die, die, die, die.

So dip him in chocolate

and throw him to the lesbians.

Him don't want him moment to die.

This is his Jerry Springer moment.

Him don't want him moment to die.

So dip him in chocolate

and throw him to the lesbians.

Him don't want him moment

Him don't want him moment

Him don't want him

Him don't want him

Him don't, him don't, him don't, him don't...

Jerry,

it is finished.

Excuse me?

You're free.

Say what?

Free.

You know what, Baby Jane?

I like it here in hell. I think I'm gonna stay.

I'm not confused here.

For the first time, I'm not confused about anything any more.

Goodbye,

Jerry.

Jerry eleison.

Jerry eleison.

Jerry eleison.

Jerry eleison.

Eleison.

Eleison.

I've been shot.

I'm confused.

Why would I get shot?

Please don't die,

Jerry.

You shot me in the chest.

Why would you shoot me in the chest after everything I've achieved?

Please don't die,

Jerry.

Accidentally shot by a man in a diaper

trying to kill a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

Not exactly the epitaph I was hoping for.

Still, it might look good in Latin.

Who will speak for us?

- What do you mean? - When you are gone.

You've got lots of people out there.

You got Oprah Winfrey.

She's too tame.

Sally Jesse Raphael.

She's too old.

Dr Phil.

He's too shit.

Ricki Lake.

I guess she's OK.

Now, if you don't mind,

I think I'll try to get to a hospital.

Wait, Jerry.

Final thoughts.

Well, firstly,

I'd like to add my name to the list of celebrities

calling for tighter gun control.

Secondly, it's been a helluva day.

I've learned that there are no absolutes of good and evil

and that we all live in a glorious state of flux.

What can I say?

You're not looking at a dying man here.

You're looking at yourselves

in a matter of months or years or whatever.

And, for better or for worse,

history defines us by what we do

and what we choose not to do.

Hopefully,

what will survive of us is love.

So, until the next time,

take care of yourselves

and each other.

Ta...

Take care of yourselves

and each other,

and each other.

Take care

Take care of yourselves

and each other.

Take care of yourselves

and each other.

Take care of yourselves,

yourselves,

and each other,

and each other.

Take, take care of yourselves

and each other.

Take care of each other.

Take care of each other.

Take care of yourselves.

Take care of yourselves.

Take care of

Ta...

Each other.

Each other.

Each other.

Each other.

Each other.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Take...

It ain't easy being me.

It so ain't easy being me.

Billions of voices making all the wrong choices,

then turning round and blaming me.

I tell ya,

it ain't easy being...

Jer...

Jerry.

I've been seeing

someone else.

I've been seeing

someone

else.

It ain't easy

being me.

It so ain't easy

being me.

Billions of voices

making all the wrong choices,

then turning round

and blaming me.

- Me. - Me.

I tell ya,

it ain't easy being

me.

Momma gimme smack on the asshole.

Momma gimme smack every night.

Momma gimme smack on the asshole.

Everything will be alright.

Have yourselves a good time.

We just wanna dance.

We just wanna dance.

We just wanna dance.

We just wanna, we just wanna, we just wanna...

Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand.

Talk to the hand.

- Cos the face ain't listening. - Talk to the hand.

- Cos the face ain't listening. - Talk to the hand.

- Cos the face ain't listening. - Talk to the hand.

Cos the face ain't listening.

I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man.

I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man.

- Talk to the hand. - Cos the face ain't listening.

- Talk to the hand. - Cos the face ain't listening.

- Talk to the hand. - Cos the face ain't listening.

Talk

to the

Talk to the

ha-a-and!

Talk

to the

Talk to the

hand.

What the fuck? What the fuck?

What the fucking, fucking fuck?

What the fuck? What the fuck?

What the fucking, fucking fuck?

What the fuck? What the fuck?

Three-nippled cousin-fucker.

What the fuck? What the fuck?

- Three-nippled cousin-fucker. - What the fuck?

Three-nippled cousin-fucker.

Three-nippled cousin-fucker.

Three-nippled cousin-fucker.

Three-nippled cousin-fucker.

What the fuck? What the fuck?

Three-nippled cousin-fucker.

- What the fuck? What the fuck? - Three-nippled cousin-fucker.

- What the fuck? - Three-nippled.

- What the fuck? - Cousin-fucker.

What the fuck? What the fuck?

What the fuck? What the fuck?

- We just wanna dance. - What?

- We just wanna dance. - What?

- We just, we just... - We just wanna fucking dance.

This is our Jerry Springer moment.

We don't want this moment

to die, die, die.

Die. D-D-Die.

Dip us,

why don't you dip us in chocolate?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chocolate.

- Throw us to the lesbians. - Lesbians.

Whoo!

We don't want this moment,

moment, moment,

moment, moment,

moment, moment,

moment,

moment

to

die.