Original subtitles

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

Morning.

I want one of them bank drafts things, you know, it's a bit like a cheque.

Yeah. For how much, sir?

It's all in here.

I'm afraid I've had it hidden a bit near some pigs.

Right. Um, do you have an account with us?

No. I'm afraid I've always made me own arrangements.

I don't really trust anybody. I'm not too sure about myself!

Money's quite safe with this bank, sir. I can assure you.

Ah well, if you believe that, you'll knit fog.

How much is it gonna cost me?

Nick!

Hello, love. I thought you were out doing your rounds.

Didn't you hear me trying to start the car?

Oh, don't say you've flooded it again!

Of course I haven't.

It just so happens that my car has to stand outside

all night in all weathers because there isn't any room in here.

It's not surprising it won't start!

Look, I'm late for the surgery. Can I take this?

Well, no. She needs a bit of work.

The engine's pinking.

Pinking?!

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I tell you what, I'll give you a lift on me bike.

I'll get Mostyn to look at your car.

Why don't you just take this thing apart and store it in cardboard boxes.

It'd be about as much use.

By the way, there was a phone call for you. Peter Hughes.

Peter Hughes?

I told him to ring the surgery.

That's a voice from the past.

What did he say?

Well?

- "Is Kate there?" - Oh, Nick, come on!

Kate, if one of your old boyfriends from the university rings up,

I'm hardly going to interrogate them. It's bad manners.

- He'll probably ring the surgery. - Hm-hmm.

Thanks. See you later.

Okay. We'll send someone round right away.

- Morning! - Hiya, Nick. What was that, Alf?

Er... oh, what's his name. From the Oddfellows Hall.

Says he's been broken into and flooded out. Vandals.

What do you mean, flooded?

He says you'd want to see his new parquet floor.

- Looks like the Rocky Mountains. - I don't believe it!

I've booked that place for a football club talent contest on Saturday night!

Well, you'd want to find somewhere else. I've hired a dinner suit!

I ain't got time! I haven't sorted out the entrants yet, let alone the prizes.

You're all gas and no do!

I mean, you shouldn't have volunteered.

To stay in with the committee.

Well, how far have you got?

I mean, I don't want to miss out on being MC for the evening.

Oh, I've got these so far, and well, these are keen.

- Oh, dear! Have you got any posters up? - Posters?

Yeah, publicity! That's what gets people in.

Oh, go round to the Oddfellows Hall. I'll sort something out.

Cheers, Alf.

Better get moving, Phil.

Bellamy! My office. You too, Rowan.

(SNIFFS) Now.

Now, you two are aware of the recent bank robberies

in the North Riding, I take it?

There was that one in Northallerton the other day.

Well, I've just had a call from the manager of the Northern Provincial.

He's concerned about somebody he's spotted hanging about there

the past couple of days - a woman.

Now, I think it's a load of rubbish, but get out there, check it over

and put his mind at rest.

But don't take all day over it!

Right, sarge.

I noticed she was hanging about yesterday,

then she was here again this morning.

I was just going to ask her what her business was when she left.

- What time was this? - Soon after we opened.

Then I saw she's settled in over the road

and she was watching our regular money delivery.

And how often is that?

Every week, same day.

Nick, she's gone.

Excuse us.

♪ What's new, pussycat? Whoa-oh-oh-oh

♪ What's new, pussycat? Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ Pussycat, pussycat

♪ I've got flowers and lots of hours to spend with you

♪ So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose

♪ Pussycat, pussycat, I love you

♪ Yes, I do

♪ You and your pussycat nose

♪ What's new, pussycat? Whoa-oh-oh-oh

♪ What's new, pussycat? Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

Excuse me. Lady who came in, guest here, is she?

Oh, you mean Miss Smith?

- Couldn't see your register, could I? - Course you can.

- How long is she staying? - A few more days, I think.

So, if you take one of those pills three times a day

for the next 10 days, you should be fine.

- Thank you, doctor. - You're welcome. Bye-bye, Mrs. East.

- Peter! What are you doing here? - Waiting for you!

Nick said you'll run by.

I didn't realise you were actually in Aidensfield.

Ya, I'm here for a few days' walking. Staying at the road in Elsinby.

I thought I'd look you up.

Are you on your own?

Yes. My wife decided to stay in London.

- How are you anyway? - Fine. We both are.

Why don't we all go out for dinner?

- Great! When? - Tomorrow night?

Drop round to the house later on, we'll sort something out.

Nick will be delighted.

Why don't we meet for a drink this evening?

DOOR OPENS

- Eight o'clock at the Aidensfield Arms? - Great! Ya, see you tonight, then.

I'm afraid Oddfellows Hall is a disaster zone, Alf.

CID found fingerprints on the pipe, but that's not much help, is it?

So, we're stuck.

So why don't you try the Aidensfield Hall?

Oh, will do.

When you've finished gossiping, Rowan.

- perhaps you'd make out a report! RINGS

Ashfordly police.

No, it's a talent contest, not a Buddy Holly look-alike competition.

PHONE RINGS

Ashfordly police.

All sounds rather unlikely to me, Rowan. Is that all she did?

Er sorry to interrupt, sarge.

Just had a call from the George Hotel.

Apparently Miss Smith has checked out.

They said we wanted to know.

Well, let's hope she weren't Ned Kelly in disguise.

Don't waste any more time on it, Rowan.

There's more important things in life.

Now, a little bird tells me that Greengrass has been bragging

about a windfall heading his way.

Do you know anything about this?

News to me, sarge.

Then I think you should find out exactly what he's up to.

Don't you, Constable?

Yes, sarge.

- Will that be all, sarge? - Carry on.

- Everything all right? - He's just finished.

I cleaned the points and give the battery a boost.

- Nothing serious, eh? - Nah, just damp really. Cheerio.

- Bye. - See ya.

- You see? - Yeah.

Guess why Peter Hughes rang? He's up here on holiday.

He's invited us to dinner tomorrow night.

I can't tomorrow night. Late shift.

Oh, Nick, he's only around for a few days.

Well, you go if you want to.

- You don't mind? - Why should I?

Well...

Kate, if you'd wanted to marry a millionaire brewing heir,

you would have done.

Where did I go wrong? Think of all that money!

I said we'd meet him for a drink tonight, as well. See you later.

- Hello, George. - Hello, Nick.

- You started taking in guests again? - Matter of fact, we have.

What's her name?

Smith. Mrs. Smith. Why? What's your interest?

Oh, nothing special.

Now, what's all this I hear

about a certain mutual acquaintance of ours coming into some money?

Greengrass? I heard he'd bought a strip of Holtby Moor.

Holtby Moor?

You know, up beyond Fylingdales. Can't think why.

It's bleak up there and the strip he's buying

ain't even big enough to feed a couple of sheep.

- All right. Thanks, George. - Bye.

Hello, Nick! Long time. Peter Hughes.

- Oh, yeah. I remember you. - Can I buy you a drink?

And please don't give me that old line about now while I'm on duty!

Old it might be, but it happens to be true.

So maybe another time.

All right.

Hello, Alfred. What are you doing here?

Delta-Alpha 24 to control, you receiving, over?

Go ahead, Nick.

Alf, do you know anything about Holtby Moor?

Get off it before you're blown off it.

Thanks a lot, Alf.

The social side of this club's gone right downhill since he got on the team.

- Here we go, boys! - Here he is!

- Help yourself, lads. - Cheers.

I hope your love life's better organised

than this talent contest, eh Phil.

I hear there's been a postponement due to lack of venue.

Well, don't believe everything you hear.

I've just sorted an alternative out.

- Oh? What's that, then? - The village hall.

It's all a bit... rustic.

Centre of the village, this place.

Whatever it is, it must agree with you.

Yes, it does.

Coming back here was the best thing I could've done.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely.

Took me a bit of time to see that, though.

I wonder where Nick is. I left him a note.

It all seems a long way from Trafalgar Square.

D'you remember that time we nearly got arrested?

Yes. You never struck me as the CND type.

Why did you come on that march?

I must have enjoyed the company.

Oh, Peter!

I don't suppose you see much of that sort of thing up here?

We have CND demonstrations here too, you know.

- Do you go on them? - That's not the point.

Yes, it is!

You know, you're the last one I expected to settle down and

become a responsible local bigwig.

Peter, you and I are in danger of falling out.

- Kate, sorry to butt in. - Oh, that's alright.

Phil Bellamy, this is Peter Hughes, an old friend.

- Pleased to meet you, mate. - And you. Hello.

Kate, you couldn't do me a favour, could you?

Go on.

Well, you know this talent contest we've got organised this weekend?

- Yes? - Well, we're a bit short on judges.

Who have you got so far?

Alderman Halstead, Doc Ferrenby.

And I was thinking we could do with somebody a bit younger on the panel.

I see what you mean.

- And somebody in your position... - With standing in the community?

- Exactly. - A bigwig.

Shut up, Peter! I'd love to.

- Thanks, Kate. Talk to you later. - You're welcome. Yeah.

Well, it's just that you'd be the fourth person

to sing 'Where the Bee Sucks'.

Oh, yes! Oh, that would be a very good choice.

Goodbye.

Don't worry. I think you're safe from her.

Are you sure I can't drive you home?

- No. It's all right. - But I'd like to!

Really, there's no need. I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. Goodnight, Katherine.

Another pint, please.

Oh, eh, George, I wanted to ask you.

Have you heard about this talent contest thing?

Aye, village hall, this Saturday.

I'm doing my W.C. Fields.

Should go well.

RADIO: Pop music

I thought you were going to join us.

I had to get this finished.

You could have dropped in and said hello.

How'd it go?

Fine, thanks.

- How is he? - Same as ever.

Good.

Right.

I'd better put this back.

DOG BARKS

CRASH AND SCREECH OF BRAKES

Bloody hooligans.

Will he be alright?

Oh, we won't know until we've got him to hospital.

Did you see what hit him?

I just heard a screeching as he come round the corner

and a bit of a bang.

By the time I got out here,

all I could see were taillights heading towards Elsinby.

Then I saw the bike.

There's a few paint traces here.

We'll see better in the daylight.

Would you mind if I leave the bike in your yard?

I'll be up in the morning.

Course not. You will let me know if... if he's all right?

Yeah. Thanks, Mr. Aldham.

BANGING AT DOOR

What do you want, Claude? We're not open yet.

- Where's George? - Where are you going?

He's upstairs, having a lie-in.

- Good. It's you I want a word with. - What for?

I was thinking about this talent contest.

I think I know a way how we can make a few bob.

I'm not doing anything illegal, Claude.

Wait until you're asked!

No, I was thinking, I could run a book.

You know, take bets on the contestants.

If we could bring in a dark horse, you know, like a professional act

they know nowt about, we could make 'em favourite and clean up.

Who do you know with the talent?

That's why I'm asking you!

You're always on about these pop groups you know in Liverpool.

What?!

You suggest I ask friends of mine to come all the way from Liverpool

to play in Ashfordly athletic talent competition?

Well, why not?

Claude, half my mates have trouble getting out of bed

let alone travelling 150 miles to the middle of nowhere.

I'll make it worth their while, won't I?

Oh, you will, will you?

What, there'll be travel expenses,

accommodation, bit of cash in hand.

How much were you thinking?

I'll make it worth their while.

Now open your mouth really wide.

- Say ah. - Ah.

No, it doesn't looked inflamed at all.

Well, I just wanted to make sure when she say it was awkward swallowing.

She's singing in the talent contest, you see.

Oh, right.

I don't think you've got anything to worry about.

I heard you are to be one of the judges.

Word travels fast.

She's ever so good, our Mavis.

Would you like to hear.

No really, I look forward to hearing it on the night.

Well, goodbye Doctor and thanks for setting our minds at rest.

You're welcome.

And thank you for the eggs.

- Excuse me. - Oh yes, Mrs. Smith.

Is there a telephone I can use somewhere private.

Of course. Just through there.

- Help yourself. - Thank you.

- How's the doctor's car then? - Oh, it's fine, thanks.

Did you hear about that hit-and-run last night?

Aye, I heard about that.

We're looking for a blue car.

We found paint traces on the bicycle involved.

- So if you hear anything... - I'll let you know.

Hey, watch it.

Excuse me Constable.

Can you tell me where to find one CJ Greengrass?

The directions I have aren't very clear.

Right. You want to go through the village, bear right at the end,

and it's about half a mile up on the left.

You can't miss it, it's quite distinctive.

I wonder what that's about?

Looks like the taxman's caught up with Greengrass at long last!

Poor old Claude! Not before time, mind you.

It's not the robbery that's the problem, I tell you, it's the getaway!

It simply doesn't work at the moment.

Unless I can sort it out,

there's absolutely no point in going through with it.

Weeks of observation wasted!

Yeah, these'll get the punters queuing up.

Right.

Now, listen.

I've got old Sanderson coming round with a bottle of champagne,

but don't let Blaketon see it, cos it's a prize.

Blimey, are they all like that?

Unfortunately, no.

I've got a teddy bear

and I've got a sort of hamper from those grocers down the road,

but that's that.

You're disgusting, Ventress.

And tidy your desk up!

It's a disgrace.

That's what I heard. What do you make of this?

I found it in her wastepaper basket.

It's the Northern and Provincial Bank!

Right, I'd better phone in. Thanks, George.

- Hello there! - Oh, hello, Alex!

It sounded like a busy surgery this morning.

Are we going to have an epidemic or something?

Nothing more serious than stars in the eyes, I think.

Well, how do you mean?

I've spent the entire morning being badgered by doting mums

telling me how their kids deserve to win the talent contest.

Yes, of course, I heard.

You're joining us judges, eh?

Well, that's good news.

Have you been getting visitors as well?

Hmm, I did, till I stopped answering the bell.

I'm a bit worried about the ethics of this.

In what way?

Well, they all seem intent on giving me things.

In that case, my advice is

accept graciously any foodstuffs but draw the line at cash.

Well, that's what I do! Come on, let me open the door for you.

♪ All the people down the street whoever you meet, say I'm a bad boy

♪ Say I'm a bad boy

♪ Say I'm a bad boy

♪ Even dear old Dad when he gets mad, says I'm a bad boy

♪ Says I'm a bad boy ♪

Good morning, Nick! Sorry you couldn't join us last night.

Is this your car?

We're being very serious, aren't we?

It's a very serious matter.

Has the car been washed recently?

Yes, constable. This morning.

Where were you between 10 and 11 last evening?

Well, I rather think you know. I was with your wife.

Then I left the pub here and drove back to Elsinby.

Would you mind telling me what this is all about?

There was an accident on that road last night.

The driver didn't stop.

A cyclist was knocked down and we found traces of blue paint on his bike.

Hit-and-run, you mean?

A man's still in hospital.

Well, I'm sorry. I can't help.

I didn't see anything.

Well, please don't go anywhere without letting me know first.

I might need to speak to you again.

Well, Kate knows where I am.

Yes, sir. I spoke to the manager.

They're not due a cash delivery till next week.

Meanwhile, the woman seems to be staying put.

I've had her under observation most of the day, and...

...and we'll be warned if she shows any signs of packing up.

Right, sir.

Thank you.

(What are they up to?)

I rang the hospital this morning.

You won't get a statement until tomorrow at the earliest.

Kate, don't take this the wrong way,

but did Peter leave the pub at the same time as you last night?

I don't know. Why?

He was driving back to Elsinby, wasn't he?

You're not suggesting he was the hit-and-run driver?

Well, his car's the right colour.

Oh, Peter would have stopped, I know he would.

But I have to consider the possibilities.

You sure that's all you're considering?

Kate, I was saving that.

A shilling, right. Pay up.

Fred Smith, shilling on. Oscar Blaketon.

Ah, Mrs. Bromley. What can we do for you?

Excuse me, Mr. Greengrass.

But is it true that you're taking bets on the talent competition?

Yeah, that's right. I thought I ought to provide the service.

You know, just for a bit of fun.

Well, tell me, how does it work?

Well, you either bet them to win or each way to be in the first three.

I see. What price are you offering on the Junior School's Sugar Plum Fairies?

Sugar Plum Fairies?

Ah, you can have it for 20-1, Mrs. Bromley.

All right, we'll have £5.

- £5? What, to win? - Each way.

£5 each way, huh?

£5 each way, Sugar Plum Fairies, Mrs. Bromley, 20-1.

There is one car that could be a suspect.

It's the right colour.

Any marks on it?

It's got a few scratches. It's been newly washed.

Aye, to remove the evidence.

The driver said it was dirty.

Well, keep on to it, Rowan. He's not getting away with this.

Three sugars.

Bellamy! You still here? Your shift ended hours ago.

Yes, sarge. I wanted to finish some paperwork

and clear me desk for t' weekend.

About time at all. This place is like a rubbish tip.

And would you kindly tell me why there's a box

full of assorted provisions behind your stool.

I uh, did my shopping before I came in this morning, sarge.

Then, you might at least have put it somewhere out of sight.

This is a police station, not the bloody Co-op!

Champagne for your talent show. Who's going to sign?

Will somebody kindly tell me what's going on?

On your way, lad.

Been organising a talent contest for the local football team, sarge.

- Champagne's a prize. - During police time?

You've been wasting valuable police time on frivolities?

Well, we all helped, sarge. Spread the load a bit.

It's the local team.

Since when have you played football, Ventress?

No, it's all down to me, sarge.

Then you'll have to take the consequences, Bellamy.

I'll have to consider what action to take very carefully.

Excuse me, my dear, can you tell me the exact time?

- It's twenty-five past seven. - Thank you.

It's all in the book. Ten bob. All right?

There you go, Claude.

Another ten bob in the pot.

Don't worry, you'll get your share. I've got Johnny's doing the clerking.

How about the lads? Are they happy with the deal?

Yeah, as long as you throw in a bit of beer money extra.

So long as they're worth it.

I mean, they are really good, aren't they?

Claude, they're going to be on Opportunity Knocks next year!

I didn't ask you that. I asked if they were any good.

They're brilliant.

Right. Bring the sustenance.

- Dr. Rowan. - Hello, Claude.

Evening Dr. Rowan. What can I get you?

Nothing, thanks. Is George around?

- Oh, he's rehearsing. - Not him as well!

You can't escape it.

Between you and me,

he's a bit put out by the odds that Claude's offering on him.

Greengrass is taking bets?

Yeah! He's asked me to find him a dark horse.

A couple of lads I know from Liverpool.

Claude thinks they'll win and he'll clean up cos no-one's bet on them.

I shouldn't have said that, should I?

You won't tell your husband, will you?

Well, it depends whether his scheme works or not.

What do you think?

Listen, I was going to ask George, but you can probably tell me.

My friend last night, did he come back in after I left?

Your husband was asking me the same question.

Yup, he was still here at closing time.

Oh.

TRAIN WHISTLE

Damn!

TRIPS ON STONES AND FALLS Ooh! Ow!!

Alex? It's Nick.

I'm sorry to bother you, but Kate's out for the evening.

I've just had a call from the railway station.

There's been an accident.

All right. I'll see you there.

I've um... split up with my wife.

You're getting ready to ask me, weren't you?

What I was really doing here.

I'm sorry.

What happened?

I really liked myself when I was with you.

We had a good time together. Do you remember?

I haven't been that happy since, to be honest.

Ever.

Yes, I do remember. But it's a memory.

It's something that existed between us that doesn't exist any more.

Can you seriously tell me that you're happy here,

stuck in the middle of nowhere, as a policeman's wife?!

I think I'd like to go home now.

Well, what were you doing here?

I was coming down the bank, I lost my footing, I fell.

- Does that hurt? - Yes.

- Do you feel that? - Yes!

Alright. Well, I think it's only a sprain.

Well, let's try and get you to your feet.

- Upsadaisy! - Now.

You think you can put any weight on the foot at all?

- Yes, a bit. - Good.

We'll get you down to the waiting room over there.

There now. Careful. That's the way.

We had a fight over you, you know.

Who did?

Short but memorably violent.

Nick and I.

He never told you, did he?

He's been keeping secrets from you, Kate.

You had a fight with Nick?

You didn't seriously expect me to give you up, without putting up a fight.

Don't be such a bloody idiot.

Come on, you're just saying that.

You haven't listened to a damn word I've said!

You're just bored, Peter. Face it.

Go back to your wife and put a bit of effort into your marriage.

Just go back to London.

- Can't! - What?

Love to, can't.

Why not?

Because your delightful, impartial husband has told me not to.

I'm a hit-and-run drunk driver. Can't you tell?

I'm stuck right here until he says I can go.

Dirty fighter, old Nick.

Bring the lady in here and put her down there.

Carefully does it.

There now, there's a little more light in here.

I think we'd better get you in for an X-ray, just to be on the safe side, eh?

Aren't you Amanda Young?

Ah, yes, I am.

Oh, good gracious me! I'm a great fan of yours.

I've read so many of your books.

Ah, what brings you to Aidensfield?

I am just doing some research for my new book.

It all hinges around a false alibi.

You see, the villain has to go across country at night

in time to catch a train.

That's why I was coming down the bank.

It'll be a very boring book

but at least nobody will be able to fault the timetable.

Do you realise you've had half the local police force running around in circles?

We thought you were the lookout for a gang of armed robbers.

No! Really?

What fun!

I did see some policemen asking about me at the hotel in Ashfordly.

That's why I came here to avoid them.

Well, that just made us more suspicious.

Oh, I'm really sorry for putting you to all that trouble, young man.

Seriously.

Well, there just might be something you can do for us.

You never told me you had a fight with Peter.

You what?

You had.

What's brought this up?

Peter has.

So you've had a good evening then?

What happened?

It was hardly a fight.

He took a swing at me, and then he fell over.

He was so drunk I'm surprised he remembered.

Is that all?

What did you want? Blood?

Get off!

BEATLES: Twist and Shout

♪ Well, shake it a baby now

♪ Shake it a baby

♪ Twist and shout ♪ Twist and shout

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on, baby now

♪ Come on, baby

♪ Come on and work it all out

♪ Work it all out

♪ Well, work it all out

♪ Work it all out

♪ You know you look so good

♪ Look so good

♪ You know you got me going now

♪ Got me going

♪ Just like I knew you would

♪ Like I knew you would

♪ Oh shake it a-baby now

- I don't believe it! - I don't either.

Hey, George! What's all that about?

He's only gone and sold Holtby Moor to the Ministry of Defence!

He's made a fortune out of it! At least £25,000!

They needed the whole lot,

and Claude went and bought a few acres plonk in the middle!

The crafty old beggar!

- Good morning, Constable Rowan. - Good morning, Miss Young.

- What's that? - Your transport, madam.

If you'd like to go through...

Excuse me, chaps.

May I introduce you to our suspected bank robber...

...who is, in fact, Miss Amanda Young, the detective novelist.

- How d'you do? - How do you do?

More to the point, Phil, the answer to your troubles.

How?

Well, didn't you notice that book Blaketon was reading the other day?

He's a fan. And Miss Young has offered to speak on your behalf.

Thanks very much. But what's your interest in a talent contest?

- She's going to be one of the judges. - Is she?

And I thought I might offer a small cash prize,

just by way of an apology to you all.

That would be much appreciated.

So, where is this Sergeant Blaketon?

Through here.

KNOCK

Come in.

Sarge, Miss Amanda Young, the detective novelist.

Miss Young!

Well, I... I never realised.

Thank you, Rowan.

Well, I though you looked familiar, but...

well your photograph, doesn't do you justice.

Oh, that ridiculously flattering photograph!

I've asked my publishers to change it, but they never do.

Take a seat. This is a great pleasure.

I've read all your books. I'm a great fan.

So, what brings you to Ashfordly?

Oh. I've been invited to judge a talent competition.

A talent competition?

Really?

I like keeping my eye on things.

(CHUCKLING) Well, I agree.

Bellamy!

You should have explained what a distinguished event

this talent competition is.

It's certainly something this police station should be involved with.

Yes, sarge.

In fact, I think that Sgt Blaketon would

like to take part in the contest himself.

With you on the judges' panel? I'd like that.

Uh... what would you be doing, sarge?

I haven't decided yet, Bellamy.

But something classical.

A piece from Gilbert and Sullivan, or perhaps a dramatic recitation.

I do a very fine 'Green Eye of the Little Yellow God'.

(SNORTS) - Did you say something, Ventress?

N-no, sarge.

Right. Can I offer you a lift back to Aidensfield, Miss Young?

That would be kind.

Sarge, could I have a quick word, please?

Right. Will you excuse me?

Bellamy, tea. Ventress, chair.

Sarge, the Ministry of Defence has just bought Holtby Moor.

Has it?

Well, it's got something to do with Fylingdales, I suppose.

Yeah, only they had a bit of trouble with one of its owners.

He didn't want to sell and they needed his patch.

You don't mean who I think you mean?

Well, they had to pay way over the odds, sarge.

The word is, Greengrass has made an absolute fortune.

I don't believe it!

They're saying he's made at least £25,000 profit.

He's driving up and down Aidenfield high street in a pink Cadillac.

CAR HORN

- You made it, lads! - All right there, Gina, chuck?

Classy car for a classy act!

Hey, hey, hey, mind the coachwork!

- Afternoon, Claude. - What now, Constable?

What about all this then?

Bit better than that load of rubbish I sold you!

Well, you be careful where you park it.

Where'd you get it from?

I bought it off one of the Yanks over at Fylingdales.

How d'you know about that land?

Aye. Business acumen, it's called, Constable.

Besides, when I was doing a bit of rabbiting, I saw them surveying.

With my silver tongue and a bit of the dropsy, it worked wonders.

Anyway, you'll have to excuse me cause I think I might be going to add to it.

- That's right. - [indistinct]

Oh...

Wish me luck.

You do realize if you make any wrong decisions

half the village won't be speaking to us tomorrow.

Thank you very much, Nick. What do you think?

Fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah. You'll fit in with all the other bigwigs.

Hey, you two.

You'd better be getting down there in case you're called in.

I'm only waiting for the relief staff.

Another pint.

I thought you're suppose to be one of the organisers?

What's that lot got to do with football?

Bellamy's Benefit, I call it.

Big waste of bloody time like the rest of them.

Well, what have you got to be so miserable about?

Just give us a beer, love, eh?

One, two, three, four.

Is that all right?

Quiet, please!

Phil, how are you getting on with your spot? Alright?

I can't work it. Do you know anything?

Evening, Constable. What time are you on?

May I first of all say what a pleasure it is to see so many of you here.

Now, we have a large number of entries in the competition,

so, without further ado, I'd like to introduce the judges.

First, all the way from London,

the well-known novelist, Miss Amanda Young.

APPLAUSE

And from Ashfordly, Alderman Halstead.

And from here in Aidensfield,

the distinguished Doctors Ferrenby and Rowan.

APPLAUSE AND WOLF WHISTLES

Blimey, Nick. What have you done wi' your missus?

I'm not sure.

From Elsinby, little Mavis Smith.

APPLAUSE

♪ Once mother said 'My little pet

♪ You ought to learn the alphabet'

♪ So in my soup I used to get

♪ All the letters of the alphabet ♪

Well done, well done.

(I wouldn't be surprised if we hear that frightful song

a few more times before the evening's out.)

Please welcome Oscar Blaketon.

APPLAUSE

There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Katmandu.

There's a little marble cross below the town.

And a broken-hearted woman tends...

How did he make sergeant?

...while the Yellow God forever gazes down.

(He was known as Mad Carew...)

(I know that, Ventress.)

FAINT LAUGHTER

He was known as Mad Carew by the subs at Katmandu.

He was hotter than they felt inclined to tell.

But for all his foolish pranks, he was worshipped in the ranks.

And the colonel's daughter smiled on him as well.

HORN

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool.

That's noted for fresh air and fun.

And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom...

I don't think I'll let him do my motor again!

♪ ALAN PRICE: Simon Smith And His Amazing Dancing Bear

♪ I may go out tomorrow if I can borrow a coat to wear

♪ Oh, I'd step out in style with my sexy smile and my dancing bear

♪ Outrageous! Alarming!

♪ Courageous, charming

♪ Oh, who would think a boy and bear could be well accepted everywhere

♪ It's just amazing how fair people can be

♪ Seen at the nicest places

♪ Where well-fed faces all stop to stare

♪ Making the grandest entrance

♪ Is Simon Smith and his dancing bear

♪ They love us

♪ Won't they?

♪ They feed us

♪ Don't they?

♪ Oh, who would think a boy and bear could be well accepted everywhere

♪ It's just amazing how fair people can be ♪

Now, next we have a late entry

who've come over from Liverpool to be here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Mersey Hounds.

APPLAUSE Thank you.

These are the lads. Give 'em some stick.

(OUT OF TUNE) ♪ When you walk through a storm

♪ Hold your head up high

♪ And don't be afraid...

HISSING AND BOOING ♪ ...of the dark ♪

LOUD BOOING

Hey, you! Watch where you're going. You've just banged into my car!

Sod off.

Well, that's nice, isn't it. Come on.

And now, from Aidensfield, Miss Gina Ward.

APPLAUSE

♪ We-e-e-ell

♪ You know you make me want to shout

♪ Look, my hand's jumping, Look, my heart's pumping

♪ Throw my head back

♪ Come on, now

PC Rowan, can you come outside, please?

Yeah.

He ploughed right into my car.

Now look, that's my car there and that one's his.

And when I confronted him

he used a swear word at me in front of my little boy.

That's where he crashed into mine.

Right.

I don't know what the world's coming to, I honestly don't.

BANGING

Excuse me.

♪ Well, come on, come on ♪

- Oi, what's your game? - Get lost!

CLANGING

♪ Say that you love me, say that you need me...

- Where are you going? - Get off me. What are you doing?

- What do you think you're doing? - I haven't done nowt!

- Get off, you're breaking me arm! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.

- Come here. Well done, Alf. - There you are, Nick.

I'll take him.

I only pulled a fuse out.

♪ Now I want you from the bottom of my soul

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

What have we got here?

Assault for a start. D'you know this bloke?

- Yeah, Mark Sutton. He's on t'team. - Take him, Phil.

Come on, it's just a bit of fun.

- This is your car? - Yeah, so?

I've reason to believe you left the scene of an accident

two nights ago without stopping on Elsinby Road.

That's rubbish.

That and assault of a police officer and driving while under the influence.

Come on, take him.

- What have you been doing, Mark? - Nothing!

You all right?

Phil, we'll take him down the station later.

You want to check his fingerprints.

I bet they match the ones from Oddfellows Hall.

- But why? - Dangerous game, innit?

- What? - Football.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment that you've all been waiting for.

If the judges have made their...

I want a word with you, young woman. Gimme the book.

Right. Would you like to go up on stage, please?

Well now, third prize,

this remarkable teddy bear,

goes to Master Adam Hardcastle for his splendid display of tap dancing.

APPLAUSE

20-1! Half his flaming family backed him each way.

And now for the second prize.

This wonderfully generous cheque from my fellow judge, Miss Young,

goes to Aidensfield Junior School for their dancing.

APPLAUSE

It goes from bad to worse, this!

Watch Greengrass for this.

First prize, a bottle of champagne and a surprise hamper,

goes to... Gina Ward!

APPLAUSE

♪ Nothing you can say can tear...

Peter, can I have a word please?

I just wanted to let you know we've found the hit-and-run driver.

Oh, so it's not me? Good.

Am I free to go now, constable?

Well, there's no need for you to hang around here, no.

Well, I've finished here, anyway. See you, Nick.

Talk about a mug and his money! Ah, evening all.

Evening.

You know, I've done over £300 in there in cold blood! I'll murder that Gina!

♪ ...would make me untrue to my guy

♪ My guy ♪

- You did well. - I'm exhausted after that lot.

Greengrass is saying that you judges cheated him out of some money.

Just call it natural justice at work.

Fancy a dance?

And you in uniform. Why not?

Going to walk me home?

Play your cards right.