Original subtitles

For the past few years, I've been travelling the world, visiting unlikely

tourist destinations and making friends. Dad! From Albania to... Dad!

Mate, I'm just... I'm filming something.

Dad! I'm filming something.

Can you give me five minutes?

For the past few years, I've been travelling the world, from Albania to

Zimbabwe... From the Arctic to the Sahara.

Now I'm getting in touch with the people I met from around the... Can somebody

get the doorbell, please?

Guys!

Visiting unlikely tourist destinations and making friends.

From Albania to Zimbabwe, from the Sahara to the... The doorbell!

Guys!

And making friends.

From the Sahara to the Arctic.

I'm not going to crap into a bin bag. I'm not a fox.

Now, I'm getting back in touch with the people I met around the world to find

out how they're getting on. You, Rom. Hi, Rom.

Hey, Mike. Hey.

Showing lots of unseen bits.

I'm a fan. Yes, mate.

Sweet.

And checking to see how the countries have changed since my last visit.

Dad, there's someone at the door for you.

All right, OK, it's the best of. All right, loads of unseen material, loads

new bits.

It's the best of. Best of misadventures. All right, let's go.

Is it definitely for me?

So, should we call someone else?

Yes, well, I'm going to be calling Idra from Mongolia, Iona

from Albania, but now, I think we need to do it quickly because they're going

close, I'm going to call Johnny from the Arctic.

Johnny is, he makes me look high energy.

You know, he is just, he's very passionate about hunting.

He says hunting in a really cool way.

Hunting.

And he's sort of a very unflappable bloke, to be honest with you.

He's got a very sharp sense of humour, but he delivers everything so straight,

he's sort of not quite sure if he's joking or not. So, like, you might be

we'd be stood in the middle of the Arctic and then he'd just, we'd be

out into the distance and he'd go, you made day out here.

And I don't know if that was a joke.

or if he really thinks we're in danger.

So, you know, he's that kind of guy.

Remember, gas, brakes, right?

And just gun it if you can sometimes, right?

Yeah. Oh, shit.

How's he going to be?

He's fucked.

But...

Let's watch him go yonder.

Woo!

My trip to the Arctic was special.

Cold, but special.

The Christmas show that was shot in May, I was guided by Johnny, a local actor

and Inuit activist, who over the course of a week gradually led me further and

further north, all the while demonstrating the many ways in which he

superior male specimen.

The experience I had there was amongst the most magical and challenging of my

life.

Hey, Johnny. How you doing, man?

How are you, Ross?

It is lovely to see you.

How's life?

Good. Life's good.

Busy. Where are you?

I'm in Toronto right now. Toronto, Ontario.

Canada.

Thank you for the very specific confirmation of the location.

How come you're in Toronto?

I'm going to stay down here for a while.

I'm going to do some work down here.

So you're in Toronto. You're a city boy.

Did you watch the show?

I did. I've seen it a few times, and a lot of my friends have seen it, and

everybody loves it.

That's good news.

I mean, you were a bit of a prick to me when I was out there, weren't you?

I don't know if you remember, but one thing that we did that didn't make the

show, was when you did the Inuit Games training.

Yeah. What were the events in that?

There's one -foot high kick, one -arm reach, head pull, all these necessary

skills to prepare yourself because you're dealing with animals like polar

whales, viruses, wolves at their element, and so you need to be fast,

and healthy.

I sort of let the side down on that. I didn't think I was that good, but it was

nice to take part.

You're pretty good. Thank you.

So any traditional games have been around for hundreds and hundreds of

and it was for survival, celebrations, and fun.

I'm known for any traditional games. I competed for roughly 20 years.

And I've won over 200 medals, and now I do a lot of demonstration, presentation.

I should introduce myself. My name is Ramesh, and I'm the European Inuit

champion. I've won over 350 medals in the Inuit Games.

Shit. I knew it.

You got the body for it.

No, I've never done it before.

Oh, you've never done it before.

So the first one I'm going to demonstrate is called One Foot Hiking.

Why is that like a little furry thing like that? What is that supposed to be?

That's a seal part.

That's a seal part.

Okay.

Do you want to know what the seal part is?

It's the skin.

The skin, right. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

What were you... Why were you laughing?

I wasn't. They were laughing.

Try and take it seriously, guys.

So, you start off from jumping with two feet, kick the target with one foot, and

land on the same foot you kicked the target with.

Oh, yeah!

I'm going to give it a go.

So, two feet, jump with two feet, kick the seal part, and then land on the same

foot you kicked the target with.

That wasn't right, was it? Same foot you kicked the target with.

There are many explanations as to why we didn't originally include the Inuit

Games night. Why can't I do it?

You could say that me making jokes about polar bear penises is puerile. Pull

back a little bit.

Ready? Yeah. Four.

You could say that we already had lots of examples of Johnny being much, much

better than me at everything.

Just hop forward on your knuckles and... Oh, God.

Push. Oh, my God.

Well, you could say that the sight of me being beaten up by a 12 -year -old was

humiliating for the show's star.

But on this show, those are normally the reasons why we do include things.

But the truth of it is, if you're filming somewhere as beautiful as the

why the hell would you show the inside of a hole?

Did I win? You did. Yes!

meaning you let me no are you crazy after i came back from the trip

the school that my kids go to they would do one of my sons was they were doing

the arctic as one of their

topics for that they were studying they said we'd like you to do this talk about

the arctic in your and your and your experience of it and i said yeah fine

then i thought i thought it was going to be like a 10 minute thing and then i

said to him so how long is it that you've allocated for this and said 40

right so i was like shit like what the hell am i going to do so i told the

i talked about you talked about

All the experiences we've had. And then I was like, I still had time left over.

So in the end, I just showed them throat singing.

Oh, wow.

The first sound is... Yep.

Ooh. You're really good. A lot of people don't get that right away.

Like that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The next sound is... So you're saying... But with your

throat and breath.

So me and you are going to do the same thing, and we're going to try to get

off. Okay, fine.

You've got to pay attention.

We're going to try and get you both off.

Yes! Yes!

Did we win?

Yes! Yes!

Yes, we won! We won! Yes, we won!

I got the whole group of kids to do it.

And then the teachers told me that the rest of the afternoon was essentially

ruined because the kids kept doing it throughout the lessons.

That's amazing.

That's so cool.

That's great that you can share what you learned.

Do you know what people tell me is like the funniest bit possibly that anyone's

ever said on the whole show, across all of the shows we've done, is when you

took me to the garage for us to sit down and have a drink and then you were

describing to me the different skins that you had around you.

I know.

to what you're talking about, because everybody cracks up about that, too.

What is this?

Macadam skin.

That's polar bear skin.

Right. Caribou skin.

Okay.

Plastic.

Oh, my God.

But you delivered it so straight, man. It was unbelievable.

It was funny.

Did you kill this polar bear?

No, it was a gift. I told you I don't hunt polar bears for myself. Oh, of

course, right, yeah.

All my skins are for bedding. Okay.

You're cold? I would say I'm at less than optimum temperature for my full

functionality, yeah.

Okay.

You ever, you know, body heat's the best form of heat?

What are you suggesting?

Find a friend.

You didn't bring me in this garage to fuck me, did you?

People come here and end up staying here, right? There's a lot of people

come here, like, sign contract for four months, end up staying here for 20

years. So why?

What is it about this place that makes people want to stay? Because to me, it's

so alien to what I'm used to.

I think it's... One of the few places in the world

that you can pretty much be free.

My son, he's three years old. We can go five minutes out and he can shoot his

gun and he can drive his snowmobile right in front of, like on the road

Right. You know, free. And people that come visit us can pretty much do the

things we do or even just experiencing it. Yeah.

Outdoors here is every night, every weekend.

There's elders that say being out in the land is like therapy.

When we were out today, it was peaceful, it was quiet, it was serene. It's very

soul -touching. It makes you feel good.

And when you watched the show, which you were brilliant in, by the way, when you

watched it, did you... Is there anything now, when you think about it, that you

would have changed about what we did? Was there anything that you wished we'd

focused on more or anything?

I think we should have killed more animals.

That's about it. But otherwise, it was amazing.

So the only thing you would have changed is that we killed more animals? Yeah,

that's... Any animals in particular, or just sort of... Nah, whatever comes

around.

Oh, it's not all that, is it?

No, I'm joking. It's amazing, isn't it?

Johnny isn't kidding when he says he wishes we killed more animals.

Like many people out there, he lives to hunt, but he's known what it means to

have to hunt to live.

Towards the end of the trip, he took me out to the ice flow, where the frozen

ice breaks up and gives way to open sea.

What a beautiful afternoon.

I can't believe we're here.

It's beautiful. It's incredible. So this is the flow edge.

And normally, if there was no winds coming in this way, this would be open

seals, maybe whales, sharks, dolphins.

What does your gut tell you our chances are of seeing some seals now?

Minimal. Minimal.

Yeah. I mean, I'll be honest with you, the most shocking thing for me... were

the toilet facilities and that camping.

It's just a pisser.

I know, but I just want to see exactly what we're dealing with here.

You're pissing it.

You interested in pissing?

It's got all the necessary gear.

That's a bin bag with a seat on it. Yeah, proper.

So how long are we here for, two days?

Two days.

I'm basically not going to go to the toilet. I'm just going to train my body

reabsorb all of the nutrients.

I basically had to not take a shit for a week. That's essentially what happened.

I've just had one of the worst nights ever.

Why?

It's freezing cold.

I spent about an hour, hour and a half debating whether I should get up and go

to the toilet.

Because normally when you get to the toilet, it's annoying because you have

walk to the bathroom.

But here, when you want to get to the toilet, you have to decide whether you

want to face the Arctic tundra or not.

So did you go?

I'm not pooing into a bin bag.

When I get to the toilet, I like the satisfying sound.

That's what I want to hear when I get to the toilet.

Not a bin bag rustling.

That is not relief to me.

Isn't there a point where that becomes beyond your control?

Pardon? Isn't there a point where that becomes beyond your control? No.

That doesn't become beyond my control.

I'm not going to crap into a bin bag. I'm not a fox.

Well,

you're not a fox, so...

Fuck.

That experience of...

of going there and doing that camping. It's one of the most, well, it's one of

the most extreme things I've ever done in my life. And it was so interesting to

me because to you, that was so normal to sort of be in those conditions and to

be that remote.

And actually, you enjoy that.

That's the kind of thing that makes you happy, right? That being that so far out

there and on your own and stuff. But for me,

I don't know, it was just such a, you know, mentally it was such a crazy thing

to go through, you know, being out there.

We set up, nobody else out there really. It was an amazing experience.

Yeah, it was always so fun to be out there and especially to share it, you

sharing our culture and all the things that I grew up in. And like you say, I'm

very comfortable with it because it's in my bloodline.

And then to share it all with, you know, someone who's never experienced it,

that's what we did.

Even the polar bear.

Yeah, I mean, seeing that polar bear was amazing.

Oh, it's right there.

Oh, man, look.

There it is, there it is, there it is.

It's unbelievable.

It's a big -ass male, too.

We just found the polar bear, man.

It's so thick.

It's literally right there.

You see it?

Look at the size of him.

He's beautiful.

He's unbelievable.

I did not expect to feel this kind of childlike glee at seeing it. Do you know

what I mean?

I was like roughly buzzing when we were coming over here, and I thought there's

no way we're going to see it.

Look at the strength I know.

You can tell how much power and beauty it's got.

Fuck.

Is it quite rare, this?

What? Is it quite rare?

No.

This is very common for us.

I cannot believe we're this close.

This is incredible, man.

No shit.

Johnny, uh... I absolutely love my time with you, and it's been lovely to catch

up with you, man. And you look great.

Yeah, you do. I thought you were working out. Just natural.

That's just natural, man.

You like that?

Huh? I love it. Yeah. I love it.

Thank you so much for speaking to me, Johnny. It's been amazing. Thank you.

Love you, Johnny.

Love you, too, bud. Love you more, Johnny.

Love you the most.

All right, bye.

So we actually had to leave the cafe because it turns out that you're not

allowed to sit in a cafe for five hours with just one coffee. Apparently they

need a greater revenue turnover than that, so we've had to leave. So I've

here, it's sort of barren, a bit like Mongolia.

I feel like this is an appropriate scenario.

I'm going to have a chat to Idra and see what he thought about the show and I

imagine he will say something.

Random and strange.

Mongolia was one of the most bizarre places I have ever visited.

A vast land of vast contradictions.

It is a place of wide open spaces and abundant nature with the most polluted

capital city on earth.

Trying to make sense of it all was Idreod, a local comedian who spent the

showing me the sights.

and making obscure references to horses.

Can you say... What

does that mean?

It means, I love my horse.

It's a line to make instant bond with any Mongolian man.

Is that right?

Yeah, whatever trouble happens, just say that.

How do you say in Mongolian? Yeah.

It's too early in this friendship to be sharing a cabin on a train.

Well, I can express that in terms of horse.

Why is everything horse with you?

Because it makes more sense.

Like, you wouldn't say we're best friends.

You would say our horses are best friends.

Are you being serious right now? Yeah, I'm serious. That's how you express it?

Right. I love your horse. That means I love you, man.

Same thing.

Is that true?

That's true.

You wouldn't say...

Oh, we're getting along well. You would say our saddles are rubbing to each

other. Okay, are you winding me up now?

No, it's true.

Okay, how do you say my horse can't believe I've got to spend nine hours

your horse?

Idra, hello, mate.

Yo, Rom. How's it going?

How you doing, man?

It's incredible.

How's life been treating you? How are you feeling? How am I feeling? All

Not bad. I mean, I've missed you.

I miss you too.

I felt like we formed a bond in Mongolia.

Like a real, do you know what I mean? Like a connection. So it's been

Yeah, we were on so many things together.

When we spent our time together, I've got to be honest with you, I felt like

sometimes I didn't know whether to believe you or not about certain things

because you've got a very dry manner about you.

And so I didn't know if you were bullshitting me or not.

So one of the things that I didn't believe you about was my horse likes

horse. Yeah.

It's absolutely true. Also, I could even teach you new ones with horses.

Can you teach me a new one?

For example, a new one that works well during the pandemic would be my horse is

in a glass jar.

That means you are in a home state.

Is that genuine?

Yeah, yeah. Did you think that the show was a good representation of your

country? It was, but many people were surprised about the statue.

Apparently not a lot of people know about that detail of our country,

here. Are you talking about the penis statue?

Yes, that statue.

You had a real sort of issue with that statue, didn't you?

You know how it feels.

It's pretty...

macho culture over here, and, you know, standing next to a statue like that, it

would make you uncomfortable.

I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. But you were pretty comfortable. I was very

comfortable. You were pretty comfortable. I was very comfortable.

Yeah. I really loved our time with that penis.

Is this part of the whole Mongolian manliness thing? Do you know what I

Wrestling, archery, horse riding, huge cock statue.

I had no idea, but...

A number of people come to these statues to ask for fertility.

You would like to touch it?

Yeah.

How much do you think it weighs?

Three tons.

Yeah.

What do you feel? What do you feel?

Stone.

What do you think about the flame?

Well, everyone's got them, haven't they?

Nothing unusual in that.

The old hot rod.

Should we continue on this?

No, it's fine.

Shall we redo everything?

No, it's fair enough. It's alright.

But the other statue we saw, of course, was Chinggis Khan.

The Chinggis Khan statue, we had an amazing experience because we saw this

replica that you could get made of yourself.

Do you still have it?

I do still have it, yeah. I don't have it with me, but I do still have it,

Don't worry, this is the last statue you'll see in the show.

Almost, anyway.

Because as soon as we got down, Idre told me that you could get a replica

made with your actual face on it.

Apparently Jackie Chan had one done.

A fact that, in retrospect, makes this scene's omission all the more baffling.

Could you tell me that a friend of mine, Idria, told me that Jackie Chan had had

his statue done? And could you ask him if that's true?

The third,

fourth guy?

Fourth guy from... That is Jackie Chan.

That's Jackie Chan.

Yeah. That's amazing.

He visited here and had...

His face scanned.

You could be standing next to him. Yeah.

Lucky Jackie.

What is the next phase of this? What happens now?

You're going to have a 3D scan of your face on a material and then have it

molded with the battery.

Whoa!

Wow. That is just like me.

That's incredible.

So your virtual character is already in the system.

Okay. And right next to you standing Leonardo DiCaprio. You know that guy?

I do know that guy.

He's next to me. He's next to you. That is classic DiCaprio.

Are you happy with it?

Am I happy with it?

Yeah, I guess so. I mean, it's a statue.

It is the ideal purchase if one of your lifelong dreams was to have a horseback

statue of Dave Lee Travis.

The weird thing about it is they've done the... They've actually done the horse

bits.

Under here.

Can you check it out? Yeah.

It's so weird.

You idiot.

Why would they do the horse bits?

Are you mad?

That's 250 quid for that.

Hang on, hang on. I'm going to show you something.

Okay, go on.

Look at this.

Hold on. When you're gone, I get a better version for myself with much more

details and good patterns on my Dell.

Right here.

It looks much better with an eagle in the hand.

Oh, my God.

That's so good. Where did you get it?

It's an aggressive version of my face with a hunter eagle.

Congratulations. You've got a better statue than me.

Your statue is better than my statue. It's another horse thing.

The wrestling was what most people have spoken to me about from that show, where

you basically took me to that club to have the shit kicked out of me.

Every Mongolian kids tackle each other. They grow up with a good notion of

wrestling techniques.

It's like soccer for a European kid. And I want you to have a little taste of it

and learn some defense techniques.

Why has he got a whip?

He's going to whip on your butt.

He's going to whip on your butt? To burn more energy. If you're too slow, he's

going to punish you.

Well, it's not punishment, it's a little encouragement, but a manly style.

Okay, so just to be clear, you brought me to a room full of men in underpants,

and one of those men is going to whip the other man?

Yeah.

Hey, they're welcoming you.

You're going to be good.

I know. I'm scared too.

What are you scared about?

A little bit scared.

Get a good grip! Get a good grip!

Exert a little bit.

You need to tell me what is about to happen.

What is about to happen?

He went into it, and the guard would go... OK, do it, Ron, do it. Do what?

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. Go for it. Go for what?

What am I supposed to do? Is the aim of it to tweak his nipples?

Is the aim of it to pinch his... I don't know what this sport is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Are you serious, bro?

Rob, go. Go, go, go.

It means do a good job. What is that?

It's a warning. Do a good job or in the training you'll be smashed.

It was at that point that the session very much got away from me as well as

from this production because nobody was in control of what happened next.

Are you okay?

Be honest with me.

Is that the worst you've ever seen anyone look in one of those wrestling

outfits? You were the worst I've ever seen.

Okay, fair enough.

And then, of course, there is the thing that didn't end up making it to the

show.

Yeah.

Where I felt like my life came into genuine danger.

And that was the rally.

What happened to that scene?

We had quite a fun time. I thought it was a great scene.

OK, so have either of these guys done the Dakar rally?

OK,

and

what is Mongolian for be gentle?

Our rally driving was perhaps my favorite thing that didn't make it into

original show Apparently the sport is really popular in Mongolia owing to the

huge wide open spaces in the famous Mongol Rally.

It went predictably badly.

Jesus!

Yeah, hello mate, come in.

Are you okay?

Broke the car.

We went off a jump, we landed, and then he went to turn right, and the car

continued straight on.

In all truth, it was fun. It was fun.

Was it scary?

Yes, genuinely frightening.

Did you find it frightening?

It was frightening.

At the same time, it was... You think it's going to tip over all the time.

Each jump, my head hit the top of the thing so much.

You're just in the air.

In the air, it looks like it's going to tip over. I look across at him. He looks

like he's driving to the shops. Do you know what I mean? I would actually

appreciate... what looks like a little bit of appreciation for the urgency of

the situation.

I'm genuinely shitting my pants. And I look across at him and he's like...

Unbelievable.

It's like he's going to get bread or something.

It was insane.

I've never seen anything like it.

It genuinely, like, I thought we believed he was in another car.

What was your favourite part of our trip together?

I loved riding on the van and looking at the herd of

camels walking in front of us. That was quite unique.

Yeah. I remember that. Well, I'll be honest with you, Joe. I got into a

bit of trouble for that, to be honest. Because, I'll tell you what, because if

you remember, the reason that we were sat on top of the van is because I

want to get vegan shamed on social media for riding on the camel.

But I did end up getting vegan shamed. You did?

Because of what?

Because of the fox.

You shouldn't pander to social media. You really shouldn't.

But I'd backed myself into a corner by this point.

And so when we met Salo the eagle hunter, I had to improvise.

Obviously I don't want to hunt a fox, but I still want to.

take part in proceedings and show respect to our host. So I have found a

that we can go pox hunting, but it's on my terms.

Okay, we're ready.

Where is the eagle?

It's cold.

We could try smearing in meat and let it run again.

I would say it slightly undermines the object of the exercise, but yeah, I'm

willing to do it. If it will make it, do it.

Okay, let's go.

Smashed it. Eagle smashed it. We smashed it. Success.

Success. No fox had to die.

The car experiment worked.

Now all I've got to do is dry clean this and give it to my youngest son.

Yeah, I got a bit of shit for that online.

Yeah, yeah. So actually, it turns out I might as well... How did you respond?

Might as well have just rode the camels in hindsight.

Well, if anybody's watching in UK, then you could blame it on me.

I didn't care about the piece of meat.

I mean, it's a fairly negative starting point to say if anyone's watching in the

UK. I mean, you'd hope there's somebody.

And is there anything that we didn't cover or that we didn't include as much

that you would have liked to see more of?

I mean, Rom, I honestly really miss you here. I would want you to be here again

and experience more fun stuff.

Especially I want to do some camping with you.

Camping? The horseback riding.

My horse would very much like to go camping with your horse.

That works perfectly.

Horses are allowed to travel internationally again.

Yeah. A proper way would be my horse want to be in your horse's carriage.

That doesn't sound right at all.

Okay.

All right, well, listen, Idra, I would love to come out and settle inside your

horse's carriage at some point in the future.

And I want to come back to Ulaanbaatar Comedy Club and do a better performance

than I did last time.

But it's absolutely lovely to see you, man.

Lovely seeing you, bro. All right, you take care, Idra. Come back and get a

better statue for yourself.

I will do. I want one of those, luxury ones.

Thanks, man.

Good to see you, bro. Take care.

Well, we're in my mum's garden.

I thought I'd come here, get a little bit of peace and quiet so that I can

a Yona, who is my Albanian co -host.

Ramesh, are you okay?

Shall I make you a cup of tea or something?

No, I'm fine, thanks, mum. Thank you. Are you sure? Yeah.

Okay, then.

If you need anything, just call me. Yeah, I will do.

Before we made the Albanian show, I had it in my mind as a bleak, miserable kind

of country, the place that gave birth to Albanian gangsters.

But I'd looked at a map, and it's in between Croatia and Greece.

I'd looked online, and there were pictures of beautiful beaches

It didn't really make sense.

Iona, a TV presenter and journalist from Tirana, was the person who had

volunteered to explain this paradox.

Ready?

Our director has to tell me.

We just introduced you to the public, of course,

that you are very famous and you came from UK to explore Albania. I have seen

your videos on YouTube and in another interview you said that you were a

I think?

No. I did a bit... No, I like hip -hop.

We were really hoping something new to improvise here. Rap something here.

For the Albanian public, nothing? Listen, I really want you to know that

really grateful to be here, but the idea that I would rap now here is absolutely

unacceptable.

Don't get so serious, please.

Are you upset?

No, no, no. It's a bit of humour. I almost got it.

Iona, hello.

Hi. Hi, nice to see you. Nice to see you. This is my mum's garden.

I love it. I don't know why to say that straight away.

This is my veranda. Okay, great. Good, good, good. It just helps these people

when they know where people are.

So, look, it's lovely to see you. I take it you watched the show?

Yes, of course.

And what did you think of it as a representation of Albania? I had some

beautiful messages from British people. They loved the show.

That's good. So, I mean, we did lots of fun things when I came over to see you.

I mean, Tirana itself was nice and I was able to come onto your TV show. And I

don't know if you remember how badly my appearance on your show went.

No, it was not bad.

To the point where people in the gallery were saying, is he OK?

I mean, I would say that's bad.

No, the thing is that you were a little quiet that day. I mean, and many people

also didn't know you so much. So they were saying, what is wrong with him? I

mean, he's supposed to be a comedian, right?

I don't know. I get that a lot. But then I turned it around, you know. I mean, I

was so excited about this carrot.

Do you like the smell? Oh, it smells delicious.

It's going to get more delicious right now.

Wow.

What is that?

Get that in there.

What happened to him? What did you do? I told him you are strong. You look

bored. I'm having great fun.

We've got seven bits of asparagus, six tomatoes. What more can you want? And

they're on the vine.

Tell you what, if there was some, like, shaved carrot, I would lose my mind.

Oh, my God!

That's what you've got here!

I really did try and inject some energy into it after that.

So have you left that place now? You're on a different show or something?

Yes. Now I work for Top Channel, which is a national TV station. It's one of

biggest ones in the country.

So what you're basically saying is that you were on that other channel and then

you did this show with me and that has pushed you national now.

No, no, I didn't say that.

That's the order of how things happen, isn't it?

Do you remember... Now, I don't know if I really got your opinion on when we

went to Ali Kali.

You know, the... Yeah, I remember.

The restaurant. The restaurant with the horses.

Well,

I'm seeing what this place is about now.

beautiful horsey, the little one especially.

Is it nice? It's very nice, yeah.

It's

hilarious,

no?

It's amazing, yeah.

Oh,

my

God.

How's the fish?

Oh, it's amazing.

Is it?

It's a pity you can't taste it. Believe me, it's so fresh.

I can't believe it's as good as this bread and cabbage.

Yeah, I remember that. And I'm so sorry about that episode, to be honest,

because you didn't eat at all.

Well, I'll be honest with you. It was a strange thing to have a man arrive on a

horse. The horse sort of went to ground. He gets off the horse and then

essentially, I mean, he brought over toast for me. I mean, that's what

And then, of course, there was the solo experience I had where you dropped me

off to spend my time with...

Fat Mayor the Shepherd and his family.

That was... I mean, I just dropped you off.

The night in the Shepherd's house has become the stuff of legend amongst the

crew. Fat Mayor the Shepherd and his family were amazing hosts.

But they didn't speak a word of English. And to fill the awkward silences, we

all did shots every minute or so.

So, it was a lot like visiting my Sri Lankan relatives.

Before long, I was drunk and hungry.

And then Fatmir passed me a shotgun.

What's going on?

This is insane.

Did you see it out there?

I think it might be what remains of my dignity.

Hello. Hello.

Wolf patrol.

What, a film?

Film?

Film, yeah. It's called The End of Romeshwang Nathan's Career.

Not the mirror.

Cool.

That bloke that I met now thinks all brown people are criminals

because 100 % of them that he's met have been holding a gun.

Anyway, I'm going to go find him and shoot him dead. Stop him spreading the

word.

That was pretty hilarious, too. What, the wolf patrol thing?

Yeah, the whole thing. The rat man decided to humiliate me by making up a

that didn't exist.

That was fun.

Look, I've got a low point. Where we were driving up into the mountains, that

was where we got... Properly stuck. We got amusingly stuck, first of all. I

thought it was quite funny. It's a bit of an adventure.

And then it got to the point where, well, I thought we might have to live

Honestly, this journey was possibly the worst of my life.

Soon after we set off, the driver pulled onto a bumpy dirt track.

We asked him how long the road was like this for, and he said five hours.

And that was before we got stuck in the snow.

Listen, I...

I don't want to offend you. No, not at all. I like Albania very much. But there

is absolutely no way, and I mean zero chance, of this being worth it. There

cannot be... It is.

It can't be.

The journey is not over, man. Unless the Wu -Tang Clan are doing an Alpine gig

while I'm getting tugged off, I can't...

See how this can be worth it. I'm not saying the experience is bad. I'm saying

being stuck in the snow.

At least you must admit it's beautiful, right?

Isn't it? It's beautiful, but... Have you ever seen such an amazing thing?

It's nice. It's very nice.

Is it normally this bad? We managed so far, so we can still manage, right?

but I still keep seeing memorials to people that haven't managed.

Unfortunately. Yeah, that's true. We've got to be careful. We've got to be safe.

We're stuck.

Properly stuck. And not like Top Gear, let's see if the Land Rover Disco can

make it out of the snow start. We're actually stuck.

Assistance has arrived.

And now the assistance is stuck.

So it's getting better and better.

What we're hoping to do is bring the whole country out here to celebrate our

death.

You know what?

That was the most dangerous trip I ever did. The most dangerous journey I ever

did in my life. And to be honest, I'm going to confess you something.

If I knew, if I ever knew that the whole road was going to be like that, so

dangerous, I wouldn't do that. Ramesh.

Yeah. My television is not working. Is there any chance that you can have a

at it?

Yeah, I'll come in in a bit more. I'm just going to do this. What are you

there? I'm doing a call with Iyana. Okay, I'll wait for you. All right.

But it was nice when we got there, wasn't it? Yes, it was very beautiful.

be honest, I would love to go there again, but now in the summer, not in the

winter. I'm not going in the winter anymore.

One of the things that did stick with me was our visit to that, you know, the

Blood Feud Tower. Do you remember when we went to go in there?

Yes, I remember that. I mean, that was something I had had no idea of at all.

The morning after our ordeal on the mountain pass, we got news that a

was coming in and the entire crew might get stuck in the village for up to a

week. In the ensuing panic, we even looked into the possibility of being

helicoptered out.

Eventually, we filmed one brief scene in the local blood feud tower. I didn't

know what that was, but it sounded like it might have been a Wetherspoons.

So this is the actual tower itself, right?

Yes. And I don't know if you've ever heard about bloodshed.

Local man Pavlin explained to me that in days gone by, family arguments would

quickly have descended into bloodshed.

If a son was killed, a rival family might try to kill their son by way of

revenge. To escape retribution, people would be forced to barricade themselves

into these towers for years on end until the feud was settled.

A bit like a Wetherspoons.

Every house was like a looking tower.

No windows in the first, because this became how they became protected.

Be careful ahead, the door is too low.

Also carefully on the stairs.

Sure.

Oh, this is actually quite sweet.

Yeah, this was the living room.

They used to sit like this.

Oh, God.

You can try doing like this. I'm going to try.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. So the men that are potentially, you know,

involved in the feud, they would essentially live their whole lives in

basically. Depending how long the conflict or the stuff was gone.

But it could be... Family who stay for ten...

15 years maybe or something like that.

So blood feuds still happen today?

It's happened but it's in the big towns so it's maybe about the drugs and big

money and stuff like that.

So basically like blood feuds have sort of changed more into like gang conflict?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I found it incredible, that whole thing of passing that down from generation to

generation and having to protect yourself from that. It was an amazing

Mum, you're here for a long time. I just wanted to make something.

Mum, I'm fine. I'm just trying to do this thing.

What are you trying to do?

I'm trying to do this call for the show.

You're not hungry, are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure, Mum. If I'm hungry, I'll knock on the window. When I'm busy,

don't ask me to make anything. I won't.

I mean, what's she gonna be busy doing?

Sorry, mate.

So, do you remember we went to the bunker and we got the tattoos done? Have

still got your tattoo?

Here it is. Can you see that?

Yeah, if you can see, there's the bottom of mine. There you go.

You still have it, right? I've still got it, right? Oh, I see. Yeah, I see that.

You interested doing a tattoo?

Me, now?

Yeah.

Um...

Yeah. What do you want to make?

Well, I've got an idea.

What I'd quite like, right here. Okay.

You know, like the two -headed eagle? Okay. One of those right here. Okay. The

Albanian eagle. The Albanian eagle? Yeah. Really?

Just here. Head here.

Okay. Bottom here.

You know what I mean?

Does that make sense? Do you reckon you could do that?

Yeah.

Why did you decide to get that design?

Well, I just thought commemorate the trip.

I was under time pressure, you know.

It's nice. I just thought, you know, I enjoyed my time in Albania. Why not get

this done?

In other words, we don't have an ending to this bunker bit.

Done.

See, that looks cool.

My wife is going to be so impressed when she finds out I decided to do this.

Wow.

Looking back now, the decision to get a tattoo feels ever so slightly insane.

I did worry for weeks afterwards that someone would try and turn it into a

format point where I'd get a tattoo in every country I visited.

I even began to dream up ways to get the series cancelled so my body didn't end

up looking like Michael Palin's passport.

Yona, for her part, just got her daughter's name. It hurt.

Stop crying.

Stop crying.

Can you do me a favour? Could you add Ranganathan?

So, I was in a restaurant and I was sat there with my family and the waiter

came over and said, the manager would like to speak to you.

And I said, OK.

So, the manager came over and he said to me...

I watched the show that you did where you went to Albania.

I said, oh, great.

And he said, did you really get that tattoo done?

And I said, yeah.

And then he said, can I see it, please?

So I said, all right. So I pulled up my sleeve and showed him. And he said, I'm

Albanian. You never have to pay for anything at this restaurant ever again.

Really? Yeah.

He said that?

Yeah. Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

This is pretty nice.

And did you go back to the restaurant?

No, because I felt like I didn't want to go in just going, hey man, just come

for some food. Do you remember?

It's so lovely to see you and congratulations on all your success.

Hopefully I'll see you soon.

Thank you. Do that.

All right.

Thanks, Fiona.

You're welcome.

Nice to see you. You too.

Bye. Bye.

Okay.

I'm actually quite hungry now.

Mum?

Mom, can you give me a sandwich or something?

No, three sandwiches.