Original subtitles

Why aren't you picking up, Mam? All right?

I've been calling all morning.

If you're alive, pick up, will ya?

And, also, if you're alive, Mam,

do you want me to get some milk for ya?

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

ANGELIC CHOIR

With kind regards from fucking...

Oh, what's the fucking name?

...from Lennie!

Fuck's sake! Kango, mate! We're family man!

You're, erm... You're me second cousin, man!

I'm not your fucking second cousin! I'm your fucking first cousin,

once removed! Or are we half cousins?

Me nan is, is, is... ...is your great nan.

Yeah, she's me great nan, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But she's married to her cousin. Right.

And then my cousin is your cousin's cousin.

So I'm... Your cousin's cousin's your fucking cousin.

Which is my fucking cousin. Which means I'm your fucking cousin.

Yeah?! Oh, fuck, mate. Here's the fucking thing.

Now, I'm sorry, cuz,

but you're going to have to kiss your teeth fucking goodbye.

Listen, listen! It's me first day, man, as a legit charity man.

Ahh! Me first fucking day, man. I'm done with crime.

You are? Yeah, I'm done with it. I'm retired, man.

I swear, yeah...

Look, man, look! It's a fucking dog with flipflops!

It's a fucking what? See ya later, cuz!

See you in a bit.

It's a lovely day out.

I think I'll go and wash the car.

Sit down, Dad.

Might even check me tyre pressure.

Just sit down.

We never talk about anything.

We bury it,

and then fill awkward silences

drinking tea.

BOTH SLURP

That is cold.

That's because I made it yesterday and forgot to wash it up.

SHE SPITS TEA BACK IN THE CUP

You were right.

Pat and Ewen were using me.

They were cuckoos

and I was their tit.

But it's over.

It's not over!

We're gonna carry on

selling loads of spice.

And the gummy bears,

I know they're marijuana.

They use them bears to hook you, to control you,

Nobody is being coerced

into taking drugs.

"Not fit for human consumption".

Are they humans, though?

And your friends at the charity, were they also...

...y'know, was Harry?

Tit. Hope?

Tit. The angry drunk fella?

Brought in to be a tit.

Even the sweet lad with the van?

Minibus. Tit.

Oh, Mas, look. Buns.

Thanks, but no, thanks.

Cos of your diabetes? I ain't got diabetes.

Really?

I thought we all had a thing. I thought yours was...

What about the flapjack man and his mum?

They are gone.

Is me mam here? Mam!

Why do you look like

a disgraced UKIP candidate?

Mam! Mam! Where's your other sock, mate?

Couldn't find it.

I thought I'd dress like a normie, doing normie work.

Anyways, me mam's nan's cousin Kango

just threw me in't back of his van and tried to steal me teeth.

Why are you criminals

obsessed with removing bits of each other?

We've been fucking about on Lennie Kennedy's turf, right?

We all need to get out of town now.

Mas, mate, tell her, somebody's about to get stabbed.

Nobody's going to get stabbed, all right?

We're about to be gone, like that!

Like what? Like...

Like... ..that!

Dead. Harry? We all love Harry, don't we?

Yay! Yay, we love Harry!

We fucking love Harry!

Yeah, dead! Like that.

I think we need to tell him. Tell me what?

We have been selling spice in addition

to your cocaine across Bracklington for the past 33 days.

Surprise!

So the charity, it's legitimate?

Totally.

We're doing so well,

we're actually expanding.

This is so, so fucking bad.

You lot, man, you're not suited to violence.

A nutter who smells like me nan's bathroom carpet,

haunted Greta Thunberg,

a genuine legend

and Minibus fucking Masir,

who's way more into minibuses than he is gang warfare.

Er, he is right. I'm not very keen on gang warfare.

I'm fucking quitting, yeah?

K-W-I-T!

I'm done. Fuck off

and let me deal my spice!

You! See you? Dead!

Dead! Dead!

Mam, dead!

Like that.

Mam...

Right, I need to go

cos my smoking hot girlfriend

is outside.

This was good.

We should talk more often.

No more secrets. No more sneaking around.

No. Hmm.

I'm going to need a disguise.

CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY

Right, come on.

Fuck, fuck!

Len's hardest foot-soldiers are already watching us.

And mam still ain't picking up.

I need to get t'boozer, man.

To talk to my sister?

Yeah, and get me gun. Shit, man.

How do I get past that absolute brick shithouse, eh?

Ah, I have a plan.

I was thinking, we might go away for a few nights.

Soho House has opened a new place at the pumping station in Outstray.

It's called "The Pumping Station"?

Isn't that a bit,

"ooh, matron"?

No, it's called Soho House.

I thought we could go there and have sex.

Oh, really?

Great. Yeah!

Erm, smashing.

So, your dad's a bit poor then?

Erm, no. No, I think he's relatively well off.

Daddy! Kayla.

Hi, Joanna. And you must be Emily.

Yes, hello. Shoes off, please.

Daddy's got OCD. Undiagnosed, but we all know it's there.

There's some house shoes you can borrow just there, in that ottoman.

Oh, like slippers.

What? They're entirely different to slippers.

Are they?

Yes. They are. They're house shoes.

Anyway, that lamb has been in the slow-cooker

with half a bottle of Beaujolais since 4am.

I don't like wine-based jus!

The tannins make my throat tight.

And lamb, Daddy? Really? HE GROANS

Wow.

Come on, ladies. Follow me.

Is your dad famous?

I feel like I know him.

He's just got one of those big faces.

Though he did once feature on an episode of Rogue Traders.

Oh, yeah. That'll be it.

SHOPKEEPERS BELL RINGS

Ta-dah!

Fucking hell. I look like me nan.

Nah. Man, you look sexy.

Did I say me nan ain't sexy?

OK! So, I've been thinking

about how to spend my share of the money.

Are you thinking of investing in a pension?

Don't do it fella, it's a fucking pyramid scheme.

Actually, I was going to propose to Carl.

We're going to Liverpool to pursue my dreams, directing Hollyoaks.

Who the fuck's fucking... WHISPERS: ..Carl?

My boyfriend. Fucking hell, mate!

You kept gorgeous. Carl quiet. Hey, congrats, man.

He works in Sainsburys.

And, oh, he's extremely handsome.

Does he know how you're going to pop the old down-on-one-knee,

no-more-shaggin-about? I don't think so.

Oh, erm, how do you think I should ask him?

Just look at him,

right eyeball to right eyeball, and say,

"Fancy it? Marriage an' all that shit?"

Oh, no! Sorry, ladies.

I thought you were some... ...drug dealers.

Thank you.

HE MOUTHS

Jojo Rabbit! Oh, you know I don't love that nickname.

It reminds people of Nazis.

Are you still pursuing the recorder?

No, I'm just carrying it round as an accessory.

I've got my Grade 2 tomorrow.

Hello. I'm assuming that you're Jo's sister

and not a tiny little waiter?

So tell me, how did you guys get together? I love a meet-cute.

Emily works for my charity.

Just don't tell the boss.

But I am the boss.

It's my charity.

Wait a minute.

How about you two? How did you meet?

Well, it was at my gym.

Weights weren't the only thing he picked up that day.

I also picked up her number.

HE CHUCKLES

"April 2013, Gangland's Boss's Daughter Kidnapped."

And two months later to the day, he made me Mrs Lennie Kennedy.

You all right?

Ta. Sorry. Erm...

it went down the, the wrong hole.

Lennie Kennedy's her old man!

Don't worry, love.

I'll get our Emily out of this mess.

Did you, erm, take his name?

Yeah, we're sticklers for tradition in this house.

Tradition and 45 second cold-water showers.

It's straight to the point,

efficient and the environment wins.

I took Mummy's name.

Don't mention that fucking whore mummy!

Princess put me off my tartare.

Right. Well, OK, now I-I think

we're ready for the family talent show.

Eh? SHE SQUEALS

Sorry, what?

My little dumpling.

Meine Liebling.

? You're my little

? Chu-chi face

? My coo-chi, coo-chi, woo-chi Little chu-chi face

? Every time I look at you I sigh... ?

I just need to... ? And you're my little

? Teddy bear... ? Rarrr!

? ..My lovey-lovey-dovey Little teddy bear... ?

Shit, shit, shit.

? ...You're the Apfel strudel Of mein eye. ?

We get in there, keep our heads down,

and wait for Mam. Get Daphne, lie to Leo and leave Brack forever.

Let's hope the world is ready for

Ewenetta and Downston Abby.

Just a couple of 86-year-old ladies.

Right, listen. If they tackle us...

strangle 'em with your stockings. OK.

You bastard!

Look at that. What a twat.

Move it! Nana needs her gin.

There you go, love, yeah? Hurry up, dear.

All right, no problem. Mind how you go, yeah?

Go on, you are pulling it, pal.

Bless 'em.

Harry, Ewen. The usual?

RINGING Where are you, Mam?

Bingo! Me other sock!

Oh, no! Me sock!

MUFFLED GROANING

Pat.

HE GROANS Gag me back up!

I'm not being saved by a bastard grass!

How long have you been here?

None of your fucking business!

Has that bastard cooked me bacon?!

Cos it smells like he fucking has!

Wait right here.

Has that bastard booked my bacon?! Just tell me!

? Together we're a chu-chi Coo-chi, woo-chi, goo-chi

? Ooh-chi Coo-chi

? Ooo-chi, coo-chi Chu-chi pair! ?

Oh! We'd thought you'd fallen in.

Fallen in? Daddy, I find your comment quite ableist, actually.

Oh, my sincerest fucking apologies.

Well, your next, as our guest.

Really?

Please. Take the floor.

Go on, Em. Yeah, show us your skills.

Erm, OK. I've got one.

It's a Tongue Twister.

Oh! Mm!

How much foot could a foot fish suck

if a foot fish could suck feet?

Oh, OK.

I know who you are.

Do you? I mean, even I don't know who I am so...

The Raleigh Tristar 3-Speed trike.

I fixed your flat tyre. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, you did actually.

Thanks.

My turn, Daddy. Yeah, please.

Ahem! PLAYS RECORDER OFF-KEY

She does this a lot.

Small bladder. It's part of her disability.

Hey! Hey!

Stop moving.

It's the nerve damage from the bastard MS!

Well, you stop shaking!

It's my bastard CP!

Fucking hell!

Someone's going to lose a finger.

I'm off to fetch me bacon! Don't. Oh, fuck.

Where do you think you're going?

I need some air.

I feel a bit queasy.

Right. Well, don't puke on my gravel.

Absolute nightmare to clean is that.

Oi!

Argh!

I'll have to clean those fucking house shoes now.

Sorry about that.

Just leave them there and get another pair when you come in.

I can't believe that worked. They've gone.

So, what now?

We keep a low profile, right?

And we wait for Mam.

We should definitely keep our heads down.

Yeah, yeah, defo, yeah.

? Turn around

? Every now and then I get A little bit lonely

? And you're never coming round

? Turn around

? Every now and then I get A little bit tired of listening

? To the sound of my tears Turn around

? Every now and then I get A little bit nervous that

? The best of all the years Have gone by

? Turn around Bright eyes

? Every now and then I fall apart... ?

Wait, wait, wait. What, what, what, what?

We did it a bit too early. What?

A little bit too early. Oh.

You know, I'm going to have to leave Brack again. For good this time.

Are you going to tell Leo?

I could just tell everyone I've died

and that's why I'm not around any more. Oh.

Oh. I didn't know Women's Institute was meeting today?

And, er, what can I get for you two lovely ladies?

Erm...

I'm off to, erm...

Not here.

I guess you want to know why I'm dressed like Nora Batty.

Can I tell you later?

Cos, well, erm...

Thing is, I...

I... I love...

how you are with Dwayne.

Right, right. Yeah, me too, man. Yeah.

And...

my brother.

If I were to go away again...

...would yous come with me?

FUCK!

Oh, fuck.

Anyone for cheesecake?

MUSIC: Theme to The Bill

They can take away the crime,

but they'll never take away the memories.

Rampton high security hospital.

Remember when you found that razor blade in your mashed potato?

Dovegate and Full Sutton.

Full Sutton, yeah.

That guy with mental health came at you with his kettle.

Full of sugar, yeah. He were going to throw it all over you...

All over me head, cos the sugar sticks and...

Yeah, and it burns your face off, right?

But he'd forgotten to put water in.

Came out like a brick of treacle.

You need to tell him the truth.

I will.

Usual, Em? Yeah. Thanks, Maz.

Ewen, I'm a grass.

Back at school,

I told them that

you started the fires,

that's why I didn't get into trouble.

I know.

I've always done.

Look, it's fine.

If it weren't that,

I would've been done for something else. Killing a dog or something.

I killed a dog when we were nine.

And you were right.

We should stop now,

go legit before someone gets hurt.

Hey. Hey! You found me mam! You all right, Mam?

Hey! Yeah, she's all right. Nice one.

Yeah, she's all right. Er, vodka tonny, Mam?

Please. As you're asking. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Vodka Tonny?

Mas, mate. Vodka tonny for me mam. Thanks, mate.

Have you had a haircut? No.

What's that then? Suicide attempt?

No. I were kidnapped.

That's suicide attempt. 2004.

2022.

And you won't believe this,

Jo's dad is Lennie Kennedy.

Who's Jo? Thanks, mate.

Your Jo?

Posh Jo?

You're fingering Lennie's kid?!

Well, not fingering, per se.

Lots of cuddling.

Does that count?

SCREAMING

Mas, mate! Fuck it.

Fucking get him! Fucking get him, Mam! Oh!

HE YELLS

Oh, fuck!

I should have just shot him with Daphne!

You're in shock. Fucking hell.

What are you doing?!

Look, it works on babies and dogs, it works on you.

Ewen, Maz.

I fucking told you someone would get stabbed!

Here, take Daphne. You'll need her now.

What have you done?!

Oh, for fuck's sake. It's not what it looks like!

Sorry, but has anyone called for an ambulance?

? You're my little chu-chi face

? And you're my teddy bear

BOTH: # Together we're a chu-chi Woo-chi, ooo-chi, coo-chi

? Chu-chi Woo-chi

? Ooo-chi Coo-chi

BOTH: # Chu-chi, woo-chi Ooo-chi, coo-chi

? Pair. ?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0