Original subtitles

Do you know why I hate Spice?

It's unnatural chemical muck cooked up by child slaves in China.

That's as good a reason as any, though...

I haven't finished yet.

It's destroying the prisons.

It smells like urine.

It's one of the least carbon-friendly substances

you can get.

And would you take a look at the state of my streets?

What a mess.

Let's buy some of this new Spice, see who turns up.

This is clearly a serious operation,

run by expert criminals.

Cheers!

Thought I'd at least feel something.

It's hard being sober.

Is it even cold?

Ahhhhh!

Yes, yes. Ahhh!

Not working.

So essentially we're just having

a bath together.

Congratulations, gang.

Organised Crime Group.

OK.

We shifted the last of the cocaine.

We did it!

Yay, drug dealing!

Does anyone remember those little foot fishies they had

up in the shopping centre?

Yes.

Didn't it get shut down because people kept...

Stealing the fishes?

No, getting STIs.

What? On your feet?

I have a theory that the sudden rise in fish pedicures

signalled the beginning of the decline of the West.

How much foot could a foot fish suck if a foot fish could suck feet?

SPLASHING Yeah, get her, Dwayne!

Get her!

Why's he here?

I thought this spa were adults only.

Go away!

I just said Dwayne was 55 with a hormone deficiency thingy.

They took one look at you lot, left it.

I'm doing Leo a favour, man.

Uncle Harry says this bumhead's trying to climb inside me mum.

Oi, not those exact words.

What's that thingy?

That's a stoma.

It sucks up the souls of naughty little boys.

It's how I manage to stay looking so young.

No, it's a stoma.

All this reminds me of giving birth to him.

Screws put me in the shower.

They didn't know what else to do.

They were all men back then, you know?

The screws?

Yeah, mam had me inside.

I didn't see this little bastard again till he were three, did I?

It's OK, Mum.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Ooh, he's a good boy.

They say it's never too late to have an 'appy childhood.

Yeah.

Um, where's Minibus Masir?

Oh, um, he's doing an errand for me.

HE HUMS TUNELESSLY

Selling spice for Emily behind Ewen's back.

Don't tell Ewen.

He's doing an errand for you?

Yeah, he's picking up my cerebral palsy pills.

So it's nothing dodgy?

No, they stop me from slowing down even more.

See?

It's happening right nooow

because I have ruuuun ouuut

ooooooooooooooooooof...

...them.

Do you know him? Nah.

No show. Waste of my time.

I missed the bloody spa for this.

Been meaning to talk to ya.

It's not about investing in dog shoes again, is it?

What the fuck are you wearing?

I ain't ever been to a spa before.

What-what are you meant to wear?

Swimwear?

But I can't swim.

Well, at least show a bit of flesh.

Happy now?

Pervert.

Yes. Yeah?

Very. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hiding all this money.

Dodgy gummy bears.

What on earth is she up to, love?

I know, love, but it's either this...

...or actually having to talk to her.

Dawkins don't do conversation...

...or feelings.

We're not from London.

Wee C U?

�5,000?

Again. Again.

Oh, my God!

Nowt like your second breakfast bap of a morning, is there?

Gov, your torch.

Do you recognise him?

That's Masir Mason.

He used to hang around with...

...Ewen bloody Sheridan.

Shit!

Oh, my God, he's not back, is he?

I see you, Wee C U.

I swear I know this fella.

I was baking flapjacks. Big cake.

He's the flapjack man.

Wait, isn't he...?

Here we go.

October '97.

That's right, it was him - Emily's little school friend.

Little Ewen Sheridan.

Ewen Sheridan.

That boy made our lives hell back in the day.

Oh, my God!

And it was him who got into all that trouble for the fire.

Ewen Sheridan burnt down a school.

Christ, were there kids inside?

Dunno.

Worse, he set fire to our favourite pub and the Maccies.

I had to drive to bloody Beverley for me McNuggets.

PHONE RINGS

It's me kid. I'd better...

SHRILL RECORDER PLAYS OVER PHONE

And that, Daddy, was Ludwig Van Beethoven.

For some reason, Mummy says she'll be facing 20 years in prison

unless you pick me up and take me to your gong thing later.

Gong thing?

Oh, music therapy.

RECORDER RESUMES

So is now a good time to give ya a little pressie?

That's a gun!

Is it?

Is that a gun?

It's a gift.

Don't need it any more, do I?

Oh, brilliant.

How many mouths has that been in?

I still want out.

You're getting out cos of one date

with a random girl?

I like her.

She cool and shit.

And if I'm with her,

I've gotta be a daddy for Dwayne.

So, anyways, let's just do chazza now,

but for realsies, right?

I could be Head of Stickers.

I made Sean Head of Stickers.

Whatever.

Gun, Emily.

I can't be trusted with a gun.

I can barely be trusted with my own hands.

Well, if you don't want the gun, I'm leaving it over here, yeah?

Oh, well, I'll take it,

as long as I can call her...

...Daphne.

Why?

Less scary and violent.

DOOR OPENS

You lovely ladies ready for your couples massage?

Where shall we put our gowns?

Sorry?

Our gowns.

Where shall we put them?

Um, yes, darlings,

If you just lie down on your fronts.

Your fronts.

Yes, fronts.

Did you know that I'm a local drug lord?

Relax.

The average IQ for a level six masseuse is 93.

But unfortunately, she can still understand me.

Let's talk about...

...drugs!

But...

...can you call them coffee or something?

Is Ewen Sheridan aware that, for the past three weeks,

we've been selling fairtrade tea

in addition to the final grounds of his fairtrade coffee?

Does he need to know

that we're selling Spice as well

if we're going to

goooo legiiiiit?

99.3% of our income comes from hot beverages.

Only 0.7 from donations.

It's unsustainable.

But what do you value more,

fairtrade tea or your friendship with Ewen?

Um... Now, if you'd like to tuuurn oh-ver.

I do have to ask.

Are her muscles, like, normal?

Well, not normal, I know they're not normal,

but are they in the same places as on normal people?

She doesn't have any.

Her mother was impregnated by a blobfish.

Oh, no.

Bless her.

Fuck this, let's carry on selling Spice.

What does it matter

if we help a few non-disabled pricks

feed their addiction?

I'll convince Ewen.

I just need to get

Paaaaaaaat

on side.

ALARM RINGS

Oh, what a relaxing day.

It's an alaaaaarm.

It means something baaaaad is hap... pen-ing.

I am going to punch you

in your face!

What an awful thing to say.

ALARM RINGS

How were I supposed to know you can't smoke?

Here's a clue - it's not 2006.

Do you know how much money I spend in here?

I'm afraid we can't bend the rules for any child, sir.

There's a little boy right there.

That is very offensive.

That is a man.

He has a hormone deficiency.

What are you doing?

Mummy said you'd be so stressy you'd need to be stroked.

So I'm stroking ya, like a cat.

She probably said I'll be so stressed that I'll have a stroke.

Well, now you've had three strokes.

Thank you for coming over.

I need to talk to you about Ewen.

Oh, what's scrotum done now?

Cuckooing.

Oh, you're home?

Shall we...?

Cuckooing.

That's a term I was reading about earlier online.

Is that a porn thing?

It's when criminals use threats and violence

to coerce a vulnerable person into using their home

as a base for drug dealing.

I know all about drugs.

Me and your mum went to the Hacienda... once.

Accidentally.

Thought it was a Mexican restaurant.

You forgot her anniversary.

No, I, um...

Stop!

Please just... just stop.

I'm sorry about what happened to your boy.

What happened to me boy?

When this one started that fire at the school,

she blamed it all on him.

I wanted to talk to you about it then,

but I was fraught with grief.

But what he's done...

...what he's doing...

...how he's involving my Emily...

...that's not right.

You grass.

You bastard grass.

No. I...

That's why they took him off me. That's why they sent him away.

Because of your lie!

You shat all over his young life!

Bit rich.

You referred to him as "scrotum"

literally moments ago.

You were his best pal.

His only pal.

We're done!

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

I don't want those people...

...their drugs...

...or any money you haven't honestly earned, in this house...

...OK?

Is now a bad time to ask you

what the Hacienda was like?

Awful.

No guacamole.

And the rump goes to...

...Guzzling John.

Oh, Christ.

Horrid little pubs like this always remind me of Daddy.

I always imagined your dad

in a pinstripe suit

working for a hedge fund.

No, he's self-made. Property, mostly,

but part of his business was hiring out those awful fruit machines.

One-armed bandits, he calls them.

Highly offensive.

So you don't get on?

We haven't always had the best relationship,

but we're pretty close now.

And the pork belly is, abracadabra, for Gandalf.

Mm. Congrats, mate.

Can I just say something?

It is so lovely not to be in yet another inter-able relationship,

to be with someone who just gets what I've been through, you know?

Relationship?

That feels... quick.

Isn't that what lesbians do?

No, I was wondering if you wanted to meet him?

Daddy.

Did you just call me "Daddy?"

No.

Ah. I was wondering if you wanted to meet my father.

Oh! Oh.

You two are the cutest couple I've ever seen

since I spotted Jedward in the Merrion Centre.

Who are they?

Can we help you?

They're your employees.

Eh, up, I'm Harry.

We've met 24 times before.

I'm Minibus Masir.

We've also met a number of times.

Budge up... boss?

Bosses?

Bossesses?

Screw this, do you just wanna come back to mine?

Yeah, do we need a condom?

No.

Sean?

Hello, Sean.

Oh, God...

...sobriety just gets worse and worse.

Oh, thank you, I couldn't breathe in there.

Now you must help get me home.

What's that, Gunny? Get me home, Sean.

You want me to put you in Harry's jacket?

Yes, help me get home, dear boy.

Bye-bye.

Am I having a psychosis?

Nah.

Mega pack of bacon,

Little Patricia.

GONG CRASHES Ohmmm.

Ohmmm.

Look at those fucking twats.

That's it, Dwayne. That's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, go on, go on, go on, go on.

SMASHES GONG LOUDLY

Oi! Good, good, good.

What, ya nonce?

Yeah, ya paedo.

Stop staring at our young flesh, will ya?

Yeah? Ya paedo!

Right, c'mon, man. Let's go t'pub.

Go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go.

You go and get changed now, my little darling,

and then we'll pop down Bare Grillz, all right?

Yay, we never get takeout!

It's time to deal with Sheridan.

What?

No, Ewen Sheridan.

Why would I want to murder Sheridan Smith?

Ooh, lovely Mega bacon.

Mine!

Ta.

Ciggy, son? Nah, ta, mam.

Er, Mam.

I wanted to ask ya... um...

Well, cough it up or fuck off.

Would I be a good dad, d'you reckon?

Course ya would, son.

Sadly, yer personality is best prophylactic in county,

so I doubt you'll ever have ta worry about bairns, ya daft bugger.

Thanks, Mam.

I need to talk to you.

Fuck it up or cough off.

Wait, that's not right.

You know what? What is it, Mum? Forget it.

So, apparently, he had the best day ever with Uncle Bum Face.

Could've been talking about Harry.

And you've got him doing homework.

I've never seen anything like it.

He reminds me of me when I were little.

Without the tag, mind.

You were tagged when you were eight?

Too big for me ankle so they had to put it round me waist.

Do you want anything else?

Oi!

Bedtime.

Ewen...

...is this a gun?

Daphne, what're ya like?

Give her here, man.

Sorry, Daphne, you're going back in me sock.

I'm so happy you're staying over.

I want everything to be perfect.

Yeah, yeah.

Just wait right there.

Night then, girlfriend.

Sleep well.

Oh? OK. Um... night-night.

PHONE BUZZES

Sorry, did I leave my phone in here?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0