Original subtitles

Dino: I am honored and grateful that you have

invited me here today on the day of

your son's third birthday.

May this Paw Patrol figurine bring him

great joy for 10 minutes before he throws it in a toy bin

and goes back to his iPad, Donna Cordero.

Donna: Thank you, Dino. Anthony!

Take that skee ball out of your mouth.

You're light this month.

Either you're holding out on me,

or people have figured out how to have fun

at parties without drugs.

Dino: Nobody buys drugs from guys like me anymore.

They want white girls in crop tops and dreads.

I need more time.

Donna: Time is something

I'm in-uhh-short supply of.

[Women groaning]

Dino: I-I didn't realize you were so far along.

Donna: My doctor says I'm already dilated.

[Gun clicks] 9 millimeters.

[Gunshot]

?

Boy: Daddy, I won a toy.

[Theme music playing]

?

[Crack]

Flute: Don't talk to them. Don't talk to them. Just go inside.

Summers: Hey, Mrs. Maniscopa! Mrs. Maniscopa: Oh, Gregory.

Summers: Hey. Have you met my new roommate?

Where did he-

Flute: Summers, I swear to God, if you introduce me-

Summers: Oh, there you are.

You gotta meet Lewis from 208.

[Flute coughing]

[Ding]

Summers: Didi! Have you met-aah!

[Didi screams]

Summers: Why do you have that on you?

Flute: Because it always works. If they check for

an erection, they know it's fake,

but nobody ever does.

Summers: Don't worry. You'll get another chance

to meet the neighbors at our annual HOA party.

This year we're doing a casino night.

Flute: Nope. Not coming.

I don't engage with neighbors, Summers.

The second you make eye contact,

there's no escape.

They're like those clipboard people

outside of the grocery store or Stan.

Summers: But you have to come. Literally.

The party is in our loft.

Flute: What? Look, I may let you

cook all my dinners, clean all my laundry,

and fetch all my seltzers, but I will not sit back

and let you steamroll me on the only thing you've ever asked me for.

Cancel it. And fetch me a seltzer.

Summers: But you never want to do what I want.

Face masks, game night, matching PJs.

Friends should do anything for each other.

Flute: Oh, sweet Summers, that's not true.

Mostly because we're not friends. We're roommates.

I'm supposed to lose your mail

and see your pubes on the toilet. That's it.

Summers: Oh, OK.

I'll let everybody know it's off.

Flute: There you go.

Seltzer.

?

Kang: This is the Preggo Crime Family.

Because no sane person would ever question

a pregnant woman about anything,

they've been able to take over the underworld.

Now they need a new cocaine distributor

and we're sending one of you deep undercover.

Flute: You gotta let me have this.

The Undies Awards are coming up, and this is exactly

the kind of case I need to finally beat the feds.

Announcer: And the winner for best actor

in an undercover operation goes to...

the FBI for Operation Jaguar.

The FBI for Undercover Sister.

The FBI for Mission Simp-possible.

The FBI for- [People shouting]

Flute: With this case, I'm going to cream the Undies.

It's got everything the voters look for-

drugs, strong female characters, and the Cosa Nostra.

It's the perfect job for...

[Italian accent] Roberto Stanlitucci.

I grew up in the old country, playing in my mother's

olive garden on the island of Boyardee.

My parents had to escape to America in a Panera

after the neighbors found out it wasn't delivery,

it was DiGiorno's.

Martinez: Wow. Flute: Yeah, I got a whole

backstory for Stanlitucci.

He's color-blind, bipolar,

and he was born without ankles.

Disabilities are total Undies bait.

Kang: Fine. You're in. But this has to happen quick.

The boss is almost full term, and once she goes on maternity leave,

we can't touch her for two unpaid weeks.

Flute: Summers and I got this. It's gonna be interesting

trying to play someone who's mentally ill.

Kang: Mm-hmm. Martinez: Real stretch.

[Toilet flushes]

Otis: Ha ha ha! You wet farted in there.

I heard it on my new Snoops by Snoop Dogg.

Wynona: Ugh. Don't you have a case to solve?

Otis: No. Kang said all the murders were

too adult for me this week.

Wynona: Aww. Encyclopedia Brown-noser is

only allowed to handle involuntary manslaughters.

Otis: At least I can handle dairy. Ha ha ha! Hey!

[Mayor Dilquez speaking indistinctly]

Wynona: What's she talking to the mayor about?

Martinez: I sent it in an e-mail.

Mayor Dilquez: Well, this money could be...

Otis: There's a budget overage.

Martinez has to spend 8K

by Friday or lose it.

Wynona: That's a lot of money.

She's gonna need some help spending that.

Otis: Oh, please. I could spend that

in my sleep. And have.

Once paid my doorman 10 grand

to read me a bedtime story

and another 5 to stop.

The Serbian accent was not designed to comfort.

[In Serbian accent] "Goodnight Moon."

Donna: We need someone who can move weight.

Can you handle it?

Stanlitucci: Handle it? Please.

I've spent my life hiding the fact

I ain't got no ankles,

which ain't so easy growing up on the shore.

Every summer sitting in that window wishing I had

something, anything between my shins and my feet.

Donna: Just take the drugs and come back

with the 50 grand or we kill you.

It's all in the Docusign we emailed.

[Vehicle approaching]

[Police radio chatter]

Summers: Flute, we got company! Abort! abort!

[Indistinct shouting]

Donna: Preggos, go! Shuffle, shuffle!

[Women grunting]

Flute: This reeks of the FBI.

But I am not letting those bastards steal

any more of my Undies.

Aah! Uhh!

Uhh.

?

Wynona: I'm asking Martinez to buy me

an intestine yarner for the morgue.

Detangling them is impossible to do alone

and everyone who works here is a puker.

Apparently, the inside of dead bodies have a smell.

Otis: I'm gonna ask her for a little sister.

-A sister? -What?

I need someone to play around the office while

the adults talk about boring stuff like

whole grains and interest rates.

Plus, the Ad-auction is tomorrow.

Announcer: Are you tired of the long, tedious

process of adopting children?

Do you enjoy the fast-paced excitement of an art auction?

Then come on down to the Ad-auction,

Grimsburg's number-one adoption auction,

this Monday, Monday, Monday,

where you can meet Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday,

just one of many new orphans available

after their parents' tragic demise,

tragic demise, tragic demise.

Ad-auction. It's like Sotheby's, but weirder.

All adoptions final. No backsies.

Otis: I bet 8 grand gets us no behavioral issues

and correctly spaced eyes.

Wynona: We're getting the intestine yarner.

Otis: Nope! You're wrong there, missy.

We're buying a human child. I've already named her.

Charlotte Mary Elizabeth Kimbert Von Hellmanns the third.

[Grunting]

I'm getting my shady allergist to prescribe me growth hormones,

and then it's on!

Stanlitucci: What the-?! Where the hell am I?!

Summers: It's OK. There was an explosion

and you hit your head hard.

But don't worry. We're almost at the hospital.

Stanlitucci: The hospital? You crazy?

It'll be crawling with cops.

If there's one thing I hate, it's the cops.

Summers: Uh, but we are- wait a second.

Remind me of your name one more time.

Stanlitucci: I am Roberto Stanlitucci,

a humble cocaine salesman,

like my father and his father before him.

I guess you could say cocaine is in my blood. Stream.

Ha ha ha! God, I kill me.

And I kill you if you don't

take me somewhere safe.

Ca-piece-K?

-You mean "capisce"? -Just drive!

Stanlitucci: What's the deal with this tiny room

that has a tiny meatball sub in it?

Summers: Oh, that's the apartment from "The Whale"

that you, uh, that my roommate made.

He makes miniatures.

Stanlitucci: Any fazool who spends this much time

on such tiny details has problems

way bigger than Mr. Whale himself.

Also, this door swings the wrong way.

Man on phone: Grimsburg P.D. Summers: Hi.

I need to speak to Chief Martinez. Like, now.

Stanlitucci: Greg, you sonofabot. You saved my life today.

I don't know who you were to me before the amnesia,

but from now on, you are... my friend.

-I am? -Of course.

And to prove it, I'm gonna cook for you.

You like chicken? I can make parmesan. Piccata.

Milanese. Vesuvio.

How about a little Chicken Maniscalco?

Summers: I'm not familiar with that dish.

Stanlitucci: No one is. But let me tell you,

it is shockingly rich.

Martinez: Summers, everything OK?

Stanlitucci: Everything OK, friend?

Summers, voice-over: As far back as I can remember,

I always wanted to be Flute's friend.

Yep. Operation's going great. See you in a week. Bye.

Summers, voice-over: I finally had the Flute of my dreams,

Sure, he was suffering from severe head trauma and thought he was a gangster,

but if Melania could make it work, so could I.

Everything Flute would make fun of me for,

Stanlitucci was game to try. Including games!

Stanlitucci: Ohh!

Summers, voice-over: And the crew loved him, too.

There was Se�or Snuggles.

[Mexican accent] Te gusta snuggle?

Camellio.

[Deeper voice] I'm a camel.

Pete the Spiller.

And Bill Frogsby.

[As Bill Cosby] I got my name before

all the bad news came out. Ribbit.

But if John Mulaney told us anything,

it's that everyone has a dark side.

Even the guy who looks like a stretched-out 10-year-old.

Stanlitucci: As fun as this is, nose candy don't sell itself.

Where's that briefcase? Summers: What briefcase?

Stanlitucci: The one with the 50K of cocaine in it!

You didn't grab it? The Preggos are gonna kill me.

You may as well get Johnnie Cowchran to write me up a will.

[Cow moos]

Stanlitucci: Moo at me again. I freakin' dare you.

Summers: I'm sure we can figure it out.

Stanlitucci: Maybe you're right. I'm gonna have to

lay low at your place so the Preggos don't find me.

I'll also have to bottom bunk it in your room

so we can take turns keeping an eye out.

And I have trouble sleeping, so we're probably

gonna have to tell each other stories before bed.

Oh, and it wouldn't be the worst idea to get matching PJs

in case someone does find us. They'll be confused

at who is who. You OK with that, pally?

[Summers giggling]

Bunk buddies? S-stories? M-matching PJs?

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah, I can make that work.

Summers, voice-over: It was perfect. I had Flute

all to myself and nobody at work was the wiser.

There was just one problem. [Glass breaks]

Stanlitucci was bipolar, but Flute decided

not to research what being bipolar meant.

He worried it would hurt the spontaneity of his performance.

Stanlitucci: I'm one polar. Now I'm another polar.

Now I'm Amy Poehler. Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Jealous?

Mrs. Maniscopa: Oh, Gregory. Good news.

We got everything all set up for the party.

Summers, voice-over: And just like that, the music was about to change again.

?

Stanlitucci: Cugine, you were holding out on me.

I went to the bedroom to take a snooze.

When I wake up, there's an underground casino

popping off in here, and you got some high rollers.

They all came in asking for 10K markers.

We'll pay back those Preggos in no time.

Summers, voice-over: I finally had it all-

my best friend, my neighbors, my casino-themed HOA party.

But once again, it was about to not be as good as I was

leading you to believe it was going to be

at the top of this voiceover.

Mrs. Maniscopa: Oh-ho-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Summers: Way to go, Mrs. Maniscopa.

[Stanlitucci grumbles]

?

Martinez: What's going on? I got a calendar invite about a budget meeting.

Wynona: From me. I've prepared a presentation

about the current state of the morgue's equipment.

You can follow along with the agenda that I laminated

like an adult businessperson.

Wendy: What's wrong with these donuts?

Wynona: I may have gone a little overboard with the laminator.

Let's get started! As you know, the morgue

is a valuable stop along the crime solving journey.

[Audience laughs] Wynona: Uh,

don't know how that got in there. Heh.

[Audience laughs]

I was trying to learn how to use Photoshop.

[Audience laughs]

Otis!

Martinez: You ever notice that a lot of weirdos work here?

?

Mrs. Maniscopa: Another win? Oh, it's my lucky day.

Stanlitucci: We got a cheater on our hands.

Summers: Mrs. Maniscopa? She's just lucky.

Stanlitucci: Open your eyeholes. She's got a Rain Man

sitting right next to her. Look at him counting the cards.

I can practically see the equations

dancing 'round his head. Now go take care of her

before she takes all of our money

and the Preggos get rid of us.

Summers: I don't think I can do that.

Stanlitucci: I thought you said you were my friend.

And a friend would do anything another friend wants.

[Summers gulps] That is what I said earlier.

I'll take care of it. Stanlitucci: Attaboy.

Oh, and bring me back her thumbs, friend.

?

Otis: Aah! Wynona: I'm gonna kill you

with your stupid magnifying glass

and I know how to make it look like an accident!

Martinez: I come to work to get away from kids screaming.

What's going on in here?

Wynona: Ugh. Otis sabotaged

my budget presentation!

Otis: Ah! Uh! I know it was wrong,

but I'm so bored around here.

Everyone is older than Wi-Fi and I got nobody to play with.

I wish I had someone like this red-haired 11-year-old orphan.

She needs braces, which is why I think the bids are so low.

Martinez: You're bidding on orphans?

That's really messed up.

But she is pretty adorable. Wow. A 130 IQ.

Otis: Can I have her? I promise I'll be good

and find the guy who keeps turning the town wishing well

into the wishing toilet. Wynona: No! We need to spend

the budget overage on an intestine winder!

Martinez: Budget overage? How do you know about that?

Otis: We overheard you talking with the mayor.

Wynona: It was Otis' idea.

-Was not. Was not. Was not! -Was too. Was too. Was too!

Martinez: Quiet! The money has already been spent.

On a party I'm throwing for the whole office

as a reward for the good, honest,

unselfish work everyone is doing.

Otis: Are you mad at us? I can't tell if someone is angry

unless they're throwing a gin martini at my father.

Martinez: I'm not mad at you. I'm disappointed.

[Door slams] Auctioneer: Next up, we have Daisy Mae,

who has a green belt in taekwondo

and can do a handstand underwater.

Summers: Thanks for seeing me, Dr. Pentos.

You're the only doctor I know now that

my annual physicals are at Jiffy Lube.

Pentos: My doctorate is in Russian literature,

but I have seen every episode of "Grey's Anatomy," so, shoot.

Summers: Flute hit his head and thinks he's

a violent Italian mobster.

Pentos: Hmm. While the concept is high,

the solution is quite low.

All Flute needs is a simple hit to the base of the skull

and his memory will return. Anything else?

Summers: You don't have any thumbs lying around, do you?

Pentos: I have a pinky and two toes. Hmm?

?

Mrs. Maniscopa: Did they catch him?

Stanlitucci: Whoa! You still got thumbs?

Where's Greg? Mrs. Maniscopa: He said he was

going to take care of some gangster.

This is why I adore having

a member of the police in the building.

Stanlitucci: You better be talking about

the legendary English rock trio.

Mrs. Maniscopa: I'm talking about Summers.

Stanlitucci: Oddly enough, that still doesn't clarify things.

Are you talking about Andy Summers, the guitarist

for the band The Police, or Greg Summers?

Mrs. Maniscopa: The one with the sting.

Stanlitucci: Still not totally clear.

Mrs. Maniscopa: Greg!

[Door slams] [Stanlitucci grumbles]

?

Stanlitucci: Is that you, friend?

Summers: Yes, it's me, also friend.

Stanlitucci: I was just thinking.

now that we can pay back the Preggos,

I'll probably be leaving soon.

Summers: Yes. I suppose it is time for you to go.

Stanlitucci: I'll never forget how true our friendship was.

Summers: You might forget it, but I won't.

Stanlitucci: We should celebrate.

One last meal

before we go our separate ways.

-One last meal. -One last meal.

-One last meal. -One last meal.

Summers: When you say it, it sounds different than mine.

One last meal.

Stanlitucci: One last meal. I don't hear it.

?

Otis: I'm bored. Martinez and Kang are talking about

how long it takes their cuts to heal.

Wynona: Fine. Hold your arms out.

Otis: OK. Now what?

Wynona: This doesn't gross you out?

Otis: Nah. I have a high tolerance

for this kind of stuff.

In kindergarten, I subsisted

solely on boogers and bugs.

Ah, to be 5 again. [Wynona laughs]

Otis: Ya know, I could come by and help you anytime you need it.

I could be your intestine winder.

Wynona: And you do annoy the crap out of me,

so, I guess I could be your sister.

?

Otis: Hey, do you want to go steal cocaine from the evidence locker

and put it in the sugar dispensers in the break room?

Wynona: Yes.

[Tires screech] ?

Summers: What the- this isn't a restaurant!

Maria: Ladies, we got heat!

[Donna grunting]

I gotta start keeping this thing in my bra.

[Guns clicking] Stanlitucci: Don't shoot!

I brought you something better than money.

One of the cops who tried to take you down.

Summers: Wha-y-you're making a big mistake!

Donna: You should listen to him...detective!

You dropped this last time you were here.

Stanlitucci: But, but, it's-a me-Roberto.

?

This can't be. This must be some sick prank.

What is this? A new season of "Jury Duty"?

Are you James Marsden? Because if you are,

that would be wildly impressive and offensive.

Summers: I'm your partner. And you're Marvin Flute.

You call waitresses "toots" hoping they slap you so you feel alive.

You've lobbied to outlaw the elderly.

You have a son-Stan.

Stanlitucci: If I had a son, I think I'd remember.

Summers: You'd be surprised. But you're also my best friend.

Stanlitucci: Now I know you're lying

because a real friend

wouldn't have lied to me.

Summers: It's true. I lied just so

I could finally know what your friendship felt like.

Which means maybe we never have been

anything more than roommates.

Maria: Donna will kill you now.

?

[Gasps] Oh. [Splash]

Stanlitucci: Uhh! Uh.

Summers: Flute, is it you? Are you back?

?

Stanlitucci: Marone a mi. Your nose breath stinks.

[Summers groans] [Sniffs] Oof.

[Beep]

?

[Maria groans]

[Gun clicks] Donna: Grimsburg P.D.,

let this be a lesson to you. Any last words?

Stanlitucci: Just one. Push.

[Splash] Maria: Oh, God.

Donna: What? Oh, no.

She's going into labor.

Stanlitucci: And everybody knows

labor is as contagious as a yawn.

[Splash] -Oh!

-Aah! -Oh!

[Donna winces] Stanlitucci: Seems you're

in a lot of pain, Donna.

You sure you don't want an epidural?

Donna: I have a birthing plan.

Oh! [Groaning]

Stanlitucci: On the pepperoni farm, I brought

many lives into this world.

Mostly sheep, but it's really all the same.

Untie me and I can help.

[Donna grunting] Do it.

[Woman groaning]

Stanlitucci: You're all doing great.

And you're all under arrest.

Looks like you're going to jail. Full term.

Try to top that, FBI.

Announcer: And this year's winner is

Marvin Flute for Leggo My Preggos.

[Cheering and applause]

Flute: Thank you. You know, becoming Roberto Stanlitucci for this operation

wasn't all bottles of red and bottles of white,

like Billy Joel would have you believe at the beginning of that song.

It was more like the second part of that song,

where it's fast-paced, hard to keep up,

and kind of overstays its welcome

when someone picks it at karaoke.

But luckily, I wasn't singing alone.

Tonight, I share my Undies with Greg Summers.

Summers, you're not my friend or my roommate,

and that's because as a man I once was said,

[As Stanlitucci] "When you're here, you're family."

Summers: Aww. [Applause]

?

Man: ? Just like the old days ?

? Let's fall in love again ?

?

Otis: Sorry, but for 8 grand,

I thought there'd at least be some ceviche.

Martinez: Excuse me? [Wynona and Otis gasp]

Martinez: I can't believe how ungrateful you are.

[Door slams]

Nothing pleases those ingrates.

Orphan girl: They don't deserve you.

Foot rub?

? Perhaps one day you will find a way ?

? To make them happy ?

Martinez: Mm. That auctioneer wasn't lying.

You got a beautiful voice.

You can go a little harder.

Person: Bento. [Cheering]

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