Original subtitles

[Gidget narrating] Daddy was on his way to San Francisco

to give a talk at Cal,

and I was all set for the weekend at Chez Larue.

That is, I thought I was all set...

till she started with the mysterioso bit.

What's up? I wrote a mystery story, and I want your opinion.

If your best friend is not William Shakespeare...

and he asks you to read something he's written,

go hide in your closet till he goes away.

And make sure he takes his manuscript with him.

Because whoever said honesty is the best

policy had a couple of other policies, too,

like for flood and earthquake and broken friendships.

Do I have to?

You're afraid you won't like it and you'll hurt my feelings.

Look, I want criticism. Believe me, it--

Gidget, if I just wanted a big

rave, I'd ask my mother to read it.

Well-- My mother loved it.

You asked me. So, I'm waiting.

Well, it's a little overwritten. Pray, go on.

That's all. Just a little "purple prosy."

Where?

"The spectral, sepulchral moon...

wound deathly fingers of pale, sickly

light over the mordant landscape."

Per chance you need the dictionary?

Per chance I should go home.

And spend the night alone in that big, empty house?

And there's a storm coming up-- with thunder, with lightening.

Good. Then maybe there won't be a spectral moon with--

♪ [jazzy pop]

♪ If you're in doubt about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

[woman on PA] Your attention, please.

Flight 701 now arriving from Minneapolis at Gate 12.

Flight 701 at Gate 12.

Russ! Russie Lawrence. You old mackerel, you.

What are you doing here? My plane

was delayed. How are you, Stew?

Tip-top. Get a load of this.

Altitude. She'll settle down.

There she goes now. How about that?

You got it down to a nice steady hum.

Oh, I'm in great shape. Great. See any liver spots?

No. Darn right.

I've got the liver of a 17-year-old Olympic runner-up.

That's why I'm down in L.A.

You're entering your liver in the Olympics? [laughing]

No, I'm going to up the old insurance-- five big ones.

I'm gonna take the exam Monday.

You know, I've been building up to this for months.

The body's a machine, Russ. There's no trade-in.

I never thought of it that way.

Well, Stew, good luck on your exam.

Russie, what do you know about that

new hotel out on Sunset, mattress wise?

Mattresswise? Firm, uh, extra-firm, regular?

I'm afraid I don't know. Well, I'll go check it out.

You know, I got to get my eight hours sleep.

I don't get my eight, it's fall-apart time.

Last time I was down, I stayed at that joint over on Bedford.

Dis-as-ter. You don't say?

Faces east. Toward Mecca?

Early-morning sun.

I tell you, Russ, I've had hotel

nights that would kill another man.

I'm sorry to hear that, Stew. But this time, I'm prepared.

Bring your knitting? Sleep-A-Bye Insom-No-More.

Just plug it in, you sleep like a baby.

Produces a low hum. It screens out all other sounds.

[Insom-No-More humming]

Now that's something. And I've got a

couple of other tricks up my sleeve too.

They're not gonna get me this time. I'm gonna get my eight.

I certainly hope so, Stew.

A man's got to protect his family.

Passing this insurance exam is very important to me.

Stew, if you're worried about the hotel,

why don't you go stay at my house?

Oh, I wouldn't impose. No, no. My daughter's at her friend's.

The place will be empty the whole weekend.

Matter of fact, you'll be doing me a

favor-- sort of keep an eye on the place.

Here. 803 North Dutton Drive.

803? Is that on the south side of the street?

There are three bedrooms and a

den, all with different exposures.

You'll have the whole place to yourself. That's wonderful.

Thank you. You're a great guy.

[Gidget narrating] If I hadn't been so steamed at Larue,

I'd have had a gorgeous giggle at her being so convinced...

that I'd be afraid to spend the night alone in my very own home.

I mean really,

what's the big deal about getting a good

night's sleep in your very own bed...

just because no one else is in the house? [thunder]

And that dopey weather report she gave me.

Like a thunder storm isn't just some

natural phenomena... [thunderclap]

Involving low-pressure areas.

[thunder continues]

Smart. A light in the bay keeps the burglars away.

Stew, you're a lucky guy.

Generous and intelligent friends.

♪ [radio: rock] ♪ [humming]

[DJ] And that was the lonely Larry Larrabee...

to Julie Ann, Anita, Hedy, Dori and Martha.

Now, how about a little mood music to match the weather?

♪ [radio: spooky]

[water running] [thunder rumbling]

[rain pouring]

♪ [continues]

[clicks off]

One light okay, but you're overdoing, Russie boy.

[springs squeaking]

♪ [humming softly]

[thunder rumbling]

[chuckles] No.

[wind howling]

♪ [spooky]

[DJ] We call this "The Request Hour."

Your wish is our command.

So hang on, kids. This one's the latest request.

[clicks off]

[Insom-No-More humming]

Hello. Larue.

[humming]

Because I thought it over, and I was too hasty in my judgment.

I simply want to read it again.

Yeah. It couldn't be that--

Never mind. Then don't come over.

Just because you have the wheels and

it happens to be pouring outside...

and your very best friend in the

whole world is asking you a favor.

Never mind, Larue. Just forget it. I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean that I wouldn't come over-- Okay, right there.

Come around to the kitchen. I'll be making us a sandwich.

[sighs]

[Gidget narrating] When I looked

again, that rose somehow was familiar,

not quite as scary.

So I turned the light on, and I realized I turned the light on.

It didn't go off some mysterious way like I thought.

I guess I'd been a little nervy before

and turned it off without realizing.

"Start at the top. Feel the scalp relax.

"Feel the heavy hair weighing it down gently.

"Relax the hair follicles. Let them go limp, relaxed.

Now the forehead. Let it flop kerflop on the eyebrows."

[thunderclap] I'm soaked.

Nothing like a triple-decker to sop

it up and a little casino maybe?

I thought you wanted to reevaluate the story. Oh, I do.

"The house was strangely still,

shadows hanging in the fetid air like black birds of prey"--

Don't you want to take your coat off?

"Black birds of prey, dark and brooding,

hanging somber, drooping darkly"--

Now the hips. Let them go. [Insom-No-More humming]

Spread, sink, flop-- [moans] [vehicle approaching]

[vehicle door slams] [woman] Herbie,

don't forget to shut the garage door!

- It's pouring! - [man] All right! All right!

[loud clattering] Just what I need-- noisy neighbors.

All right, all right. Now feel the scalp relax.

Feel the heavy hair weighing it down.

[wind howling]

Oh, what a fun, fun, fun, fun party.

And wasn't Archie silly? I wish you

could be funny like Archie, Herbie.

Oh, I just hate to take off this costume.

I am the Good Fairy of the West, and I grant you three wishes.

Ohh!

Okay, the first is pipe down. I'm pooped.

Ah, Herb, before we were married, you

were the last one to leave a party.

I kept hoping you'd go home with somebody else.

Herbert, there are lights on all over the Lawrence house.

Is that the late, late news? But Russ is

out of town, and Gidget's at a friend's.

They wouldn't go away and leave all those lights blazing.

Oh, Foo ya.

I mean it. It could be a burglar.

So Russ'll send him the light bill.

Herbert, somebody has to go over there and check.

He's insured. And I happen to be

president of the Nice Neighbors Network.

So you check. Oh, Herb.

Before we were married, you'd have been

excited about a possible adventure.

Before we were married, I was six inches taller.

"There was a hushed feeling of impending doom.

"The measured ticking of the old

clock sounded like a heartbeat...

"echoing through the gloomy corridors.

- "Suddenly-- - [electricity crackles]

everything went black."

What happened? Maybe it's just a fuse.

So fix it. Well, come with me. The fuse box is in the cellar.

I'll wait here so I can tell you when they go on.

You have too much of that fairy fudge tonight?

There are no lights on over there.

But I could swear-- So could I. How in the Sam Hill--

You go over there and check all those locks.

And don't bother arguing, because I'm not listening.

I ought to take this makeup off.

Anybody sees me, they'll think your mother's visiting again.

You can do that later. It will take

too long. And there were lights.

Probably some electrical

disturbance because of the storm.

Before we were married, you wouldn't

have had such a silly explanation.

Before we were married, they hadn't invented electricity.

Where would I be if I were a fuse box? On the back porch.

Where would I be if I were a back porch?

Why didn't I stay in a hotel?

Maybe this is it-- Ow!

Go to my room and get my flashlight. I

can't do anything without some light.

Well, how will I find my way? You

practically live here. Use the back stairs.

Never mind. I'll go up the front way.

Do what you want. Just hurry.

[thunderclap]

I'll probably catch my death of cold.

This must be the kitchen.

[rattling]

Tighter than a drum.

The patio door.

Back in the den again? Get a grip on yourself, Stewie boy.

You want that electric blanket to

work, you better find that fuse box.

Steady, boy. You didn't see what you

thought, because there is no such thing.

It's just nerves. Just cool it, baby.

The thing to do is to sleep. Forget

the fuse box. Just-- Just sleep.

Sl-Sleep. You're obviously--

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep like a baby.

Baby sleep. Sleep. Sleepy time now. Oh--

♪ Rockaby, Stewie on-- on the treetop ♪

- Gidget! - What took you so long?

There was a monster looking in the window.

Hand me the flash and stop with the story already.

No story. A monster on the patio. I saw it. Deep talk.

It was just the cypress tree. You sure?

When I get the lights fixed, we'll calm down.

Whoo-hoo!

[Foo Ya] Answer me! Whoo-hoo!

I didn't hear that. That's a "figmation" of my "imagment."

Whoo-hoo!

All right. Start at the top, Stewie.

Relax the scalp. Feel the heavy hair weigh it down.

Maybe I better look around.

I should have brought along a flash.

Must be the storm. Wh--

What else could it be?

We'll eat, and we'll feel better. [object clatters]

A nice glass of warm milk. [clanging]

That's what you need, Stewie boy.

That will calm the old janglies.

Maybe a couple of tranquilizers and some dry pajamas.

[squeaking]

[thunderclap]

You never realize how many creaks and squeaks a house has.

Our house doesn't.

That's because your parents aren't in San Francisco. Yeah.

What we need is something to take our minds off of this jazz.

Yeah. Hey, let's wax our hairlines. Huh?

Well, I have this neat stuff I've been dying to try.

You melt it down and slap it on and

let it harden and zap-- no fuss.

Crazy.

What the--

That's not like Russ to be so careless.

Could start a fire.

First, we put it in a pan, then

turn on the heat and melt it down.

How long does it take? Oh. I left the directions upstairs.

Be back in a jiff. I'll come with you.

- Ow. - [chuckles]

Why did you turn the light off?

I didn't. Didn't you? Of course not.

Gidget, something funny's is going on.

Oh, don't be a big baby.

Don't you feel something spooky?

I just feel like waxing my hairli--

Hey.

It's all gone. See?

Oh, it just evaporated. That's all.

[thunderclap]

[thunder continues]

I got to get out of here.

You can just throw a coat on over your pajamas.

There's got to be some reasonable explanation.

I don't want to hear it. Let's get out of here.

[clinking]

All right, fella, put them up! You're surrounded!

Say, there, you a friend of Russ's?

I'm sorry I burst in like that. Uh, Russ give you a key?

Say, buddy.

[Stew screaming]

It came from there.

Is my husband all right?

Oh, not him! That's my husband!

Oh, darling, are you all right? I was so worried.

Well, to each his own.

Mrs. Fetter? Oh, I'm so glad you're here. What happened?

- [both gasp] - Oh, it's all

right. We were at a costume party.

We saw the lights go on and-- But

what are you doing home? I thought--

Around the corner. Uh, we got him-- Pajama Plotkin.

Just one more tranquilizer and then I can sleep.

Pajama Plotkin.

One of the slickest second-story men in the country.

Does all his jobs in p.j.'s. Then

if caught, he was just sleepwalking.

Well, we got you now. I must get some sleep.

You'll have plenty of time to

sleep, Jack, down at the station.

Station? Can it, Plotkin. We got you now.

I'm not Plotkin. I'm Stew Gurney. Uh-huh.

I'm a friend of Russ Lawrence's. He gave me the key.

Yeah.

You're detranquilizing me!

Gidget? I've never seen him before.

And Daddy didn't say anything about giving anyone a key.

Okay, Plotkin, let's go.

No, wait a minute! This is an

outrage! You'll hear from my lawyer!

Wait till he gets you down there at

the station! You find out what it is!

Well, it's been a night.

I guess we'll run along home, too, if

you're sure you girls will be all right.

Oh, we're fine. But I guess we'll go sleep over at Larue's.

Yeah. My parents might be a

little nervous alone in the house.

Well, Mr. Fetter will follow you home.

Oh, Foo ya.

Before we were married, he would have jumped at the chance

to take two pretty girls home.

Before we were married, I had strength to jump.

[overlapping dialogue] The neighbor and

his wife came over. Boy, did he look funny.

And then when he came over, he found

this skinny burglar. All funny and hairy.

And the police came, and they took him away!

Hold it! Hold it, you two! I can't

get a word with both of you shouting.

Now one at a time. Hi, Stew. How was the exam?

What were you two saying? Do you know him?

Something about a skinny burglar?

[both] Well, that's the one.

One at a time, please.

[Gidget narrating] Go figure out the older generation.

I thought Daddy would be boiled

over what happened to his friend.

But when we got to the part about Pajama

Plotkin, he almost fell down laughing.

I guess it is pretty funny.

Till you stop and think--

Somewhere out there in the night is the real Pajama Plotkin,

lurking in the gloom, waiting, just waiting.

Hey, that's a pretty good opening for a mystery story.