Original subtitles

[Gidget narrating] One thing you'll

have to admit about today's kids--

We know what we like.

And the number one favorite hangout

we really dig is The Shaggy Dog.

Maybe it's because of Sock.

That's short for Henry B. Socrates.

There's something so kind of lovable about him.

Look, Charlie. If that face of yours drops any lower,

you're gonna get a chin full of clam

chowder, and it's gonna slop on your tie.

Now, if there's one thing I can't

stomach, it's a slurpy slob!

How's my credit, Sock?

So what else is new? Write it down-- in English.

[Gidget narrating] Or maybe

it's because we feel free in here,

away from routine and discipline.

Hey, Prince. Would you mind getting

your dirty elbow off my clean counter?

Where do you think you are, home?

We can act as we please, no one to bug us.

What's with you, Marlon? Get up too late to find a clean shirt?

Or is this a new obnoxious look?

My only clean shirt had a button missing.

Hey, listen. Maybe-- Don't look at me.

I've sewn the last button I'm ever

gonna sew on for you pantywaists.

Besides, I've lost my thimble.

Hey, Sock, where'd you learn how to sew?

The marines. Where do you think--

Mrs. Doolittle's sewing circle for young ladies?

And another thing about Sock, he's diplomatic.

Hey, Gertrude. You know, I don't know

what to get you for your birthday--

A set of hair curlers or a collar and a leash.

Oh, knock it off, Sock. It's me, Ken.

No kiddin'! [chuckles] You know, I

never thought I'd live to see the day...

when you can't tell the difference

between the boys and the girls.

Of course, at my age that ain't no major calamity.

But when you can't tell the

difference, chum, you got problems.

I guess what it really is, is that

we feel this place belongs to us.

We discovered it. It's ours.

Hey, gang! Look!

♪ [jazzy pop]

♪ If you're in doubt about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

"Citizens unite to oust Shaggy Dog.

Raising funds to buy out Socrates."

Sock, did you know about this? I heard rumors.

You mean a bunch of people can get together

and throw you out of your own place?

Ever heard of the right of eminent domain, pal?

Or are those words too big for you?

Sure, like, if somebody wants to build a freeway,

they buy out somebody's property, but that's different.

Yeah. Maybe if you'd get your hair cut,

you could see what's goin' on in the world.

- What are you gonna do, Sock? - Nothin'.

Yeah, but I thought you liked it here. Are you kiddin'?

You think it's a thrill for me to spend

the rest of my life lookin' at your mugs?

Listenin' to your beefs?

Look, the biggest favor they could do is to buy me out.

I got a life to lead too, you know.

Yeah, but-- Gee, Sock, what are we gonna do without you?

I mean, where are we gonna hang out?

Why don't you try hangin' out at home

sometime-- that is, if you remember where it is.

Aw, come on, Sock-- And stop squawkin' till you're hurt.

Nobody's buyin' me out yet--

At least not until they raise the loot to

do it with, and that ain't gonna be easy.

Now will you relax?

And you, drink your milk, or you

won't make the team again this year.

I've got it!

Don't get too close to me. It might be contagious.

- Sock, you need a lawyer. - [boy] That's an idea.

Look, Sam. I don't need a lawyer. They need one.

Oh, come on, Sock. Be reasonable.

Now, I happen to be on very intimate

terms with a very influential man.

Your dad! Right.

He'll help him get a good lawyer. Will he do it?

Well, I've got a 50-50 chance. Yeah?

He'll either say yes or no.

Dad? Hey! Where's the fire?

Oh, I'm glad you're home. Well, nice to be popular.

I've got something to tell you.

Good. I have something to tell you.

Oh, this is important. Oh? How much are you overdrawn?

I need a lawyer. That bad, huh?

Dad, this is serious. Being sued?

Daddy! Alienation of affection-- someone stole your boyfriend.

Worse. What could be worse than that?

It's about the Shaggy Dog. Oh, that.

What I have to say is important, Dad.

You don't know what's going on.

Well, I know a lot more than you

think. Can you imagine the nerve...

of a lot of people getting together

and deciding just like that...

to throw out a perfectly respectable businessman...

who-- who runs a perfectly respectable hangout for kids?

Just because a lot of nerdy

squares think-- Now, take it easy.

Take it easy! Daddy, how can I?

Have you seen this morning's paper?

Yes. Have you seen the evening paper?

Traitor!

My father, the traitor! Gidge, I have told you.

This is not my idea, even though I do agree with it.

But the citizens got together and appointed me to--

Russell Lawrence-- Professor Lawrence, late humanitarian--

Has joined forces with the

opposition to aid and abet them...

in this disgraceful example of pilferage!

We are not pilfering anybody. This is business!

We simply raise the money to buy out this Mr. Socrates,

and then the city puts up something

attractive on that corner--

Something that'll fit into the surrounding neighborhood.

Like what? A mausoleum?

A museum-- an art museum-- something like this.

Blech! I think it's very attractive.

Yeah, if you like early tombstone. Oh, Gidget.

Oh, Daddy, you can't do this to Sock.

Sock? Mr. Socrates.

If you only knew what a good guy he

is, the wonderful things he does.

- You just can't do it to him. - Do what?

Stop making it sound as if we're stealing something.

Any astute businessman will tell you that--

Well, Sock isn't an astute businessman.

He's just a sweet, funny-looking little guy

that tells corny jokes and uses poor English...

and hasn't got a dime to his

name 'cause he gives it all away.

Okay. So soon, he'll be a sweet, funny-looking little guy

who has a dime to his name.

And the city will have something that it needs in the bargain.

A slab of marble. Big deal.

[deepens voice] Hamburger joint. Big deal.

I'm not talking about the hamburger joint.

I'm talking about the guy behind it.

And I am not talking about a slab of marble.

It's what it represents-- progress, beauty,

a-- a storehouse for history and culture.

Oh, fine. Give us a few more monuments,

and we can forget all about people.

I'm sorry, Gidge, but I have no choice.

I've given my word. My

committee's already gone to work.

- That's your final decision? - It is.

Where are you going?

To set up my own committee. For what?

For the preservation and

protection of private property...

owned by one private citizen, Henry B. Socrates--

To help him in his fight against militant forces of evil!

Have any idea what she'll do? I don't know.

You take 15 and a half years of bottled-up energy...

all wrapped up in ideals and theories...

and spurred on by do-gooders and no-good doers--

[chuckles] Probably write the president

and he'll take it up with Congress,

and I'll be investigated for evasion of my income tax.

Oh, it doesn't pay to evade income

tax, Russ. It gets you in trouble.

Thanks, I'll remember that. Hi, honey.

Hi. Is there any more coffee?

Uh, yeah, on the stove. Uh, Shaggy Dog!

If Gidget mentions that once more--

Well, if I know Gidget, she's not going

to give up until she gets her way.

Getting Gidget a dog, Russ?

No, I'm not getting Gidget a dog, John.

Why not?

I thought I'd get her an elephant.

Where are you gonna keep an elephant?

The zoo. She could have visiting privileges weekends.

Give her the dog.

Well, every youngster should have one.

It teaches them patience and tolerance.

I think I'll get one for myself.

There's a selfish attitude.

You're not gonna let Gidget have a dog, but you're gonna get one.

John, uh, would you see if the evening paper's here?

Sure thing, honey.

Well, I've got a meeting with the city council.

Bye. Bye.

Say! When you take a stand, you go

all out. It even makes the papers.

"Daughter holds out for Shaggy Dog.

Father says doggy go go."

So our only recourse is to earn enough money to hire a lawyer...

and fight this nerdy piece of injustice.

So I've set up the following

committees: Gail Martin, babysitting.

Peter Gates, house-to-house canvass for empty bottles.

Susie and Connie--

Well. Meeting of the war council?

Did you want something, Father? I did.

I presume it's important. It's an extreme emergency.

I would like my dinner.

Now, Gidget.

[Gidget narrating] Under the circumstances,

it seemed wise to yield temporarily

to the hierarchy and adjourn.

Bye. I'll see you all later.

[Gidget narrating] I'll have to admit

it wasn't easy arguing with Daddy.

Now, it's fine if you believe in

something strongly enough to fight for it,

but you must be very careful about

what issues you choose to defend.

Unfortunately, some of the things he said made sense.

Wasting your time trying to raise money to save a--

A run-down, termite-ridden hamburger shack is plain stupid!

Fortunately, some of the things he said didn't make sense.

Here, let me have it.

Thanks a lot. Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all right. I'll hang a fried egg

around my neck, and nobody'll notice.

Would you like anything else? Well, I

might have a little mayonnaise right--

Toast. Toast. That should be safe enough.

There's still time to fight on my side.

I don't believe in your side. And will

you stop making this sound like war?

- But, Daddy, this is war! - That's fairly obvious.

[machine gun fire]

[no Audible dialogue]

[machine gun fire]

Gidge! Gidget!

Morning, Professor Lawrence.

Good morning. Who's winning?

Well, I'm not! Looks as if I'm in the wrong war.

You got the right war. You're just fightin' on the wrong side.

The back door's usually open.

[chattering]

[murmuring] Great.

[clears throat] May I help you, sir?

You can help me by clearing out this room immediately.

Uh, I can't do that. The sale just started.

Frances. Frances?

Yes, Frances.

I do not intend to stand by and

see strangers come into my home...

and buy my clothes to advance a cause I don't believe in.

They aren't your clothes, Daddy.

People anxious to help a worthwhile

cause have been contributing.

That raincoat I just saw going out the door was mine.

No, it wasn't. You gave it to the milkman last month.

Then what's it doing here? He gave it back.

He said he wanted to contribute something to help our cause.

I don't care what--

You're not selling that television set!

It's mine. You gave it to me.

I paid for it!

You have a point.

Never let it be said that I would stoop to unjust methods.

I'd also like to remind you that I am having...

a committee meeting here in the next few minutes.

Oh, that's okay. You won't bother us. You will bother us.

You can use the den. Very generous of you.

Perhaps some of your friends would

like to buy something from us.

We've a special today on some of your old hats.

Those men are coming here on business. Oh, that's okay.

I'm not fussy who buys.

Care to negotiate?

I do not.

[sighs]

Hi, Gidget. Sorry I'm late.

I had to pick up my cousin at the airport.

Buzz Britton, Gidget Lawrence. Hi.

How are you? Eh, what is this? [gasps]

It's my watch!

Buzz is a practicing illusionist.

- A what? - He makes with the magic.

He's even been on television, he's so good.

Oh.

We could use some magic around here.

We're running out of clothes to sell.

See what you could do about that. I'm at your service.

Hey, where's the enemy hanging out?

In the den, waiting for new recruits.

You could watch the door, if you will. Oh, roger.

[giggles]

Your, uh, purse, madam.

[doorbell rings]

Gentlemen, welcome to the combat zone.

We're looking for Professor Lawrence.

Enemy headquarters is 10 paces to the right.

Aye, aye.

Gentlemen.

Any more customers? Huh? Oh, no.

Those were just some men to see your father. Oh.

Listen, uh, suppose we could get anything for this?

Where'd you get that? Oh, a little legerdemain.

Oh, you didn't!

Well, you said you needed more clothes.

Well, not like that. We'll have to give it back.

We're keeping these ground rules fair.

Now you tell me.

Hi, Dad. There was this slight confusion at the door.

Gidget, this has gone far

enough. Oh, thank you, Professor.

Perhaps, uh, maybe we better call a peace conference, huh?

No. I think the time has come for a showdown.

You're angry? I'm angry!

Look at this! Headlines splashed all over the front page!

"Father and daughter battle."

I've been humiliated, embarrassed--

Even my students are laughing at me. That's because you're wrong!

Because you make me look wrong, which

is a very significant difference!

Now, I want to talk to you, Frances.

Here it comes-- the dictator!

Ruler of hearth and home about to

lay down the law to his subjects!

As long as I pay the bills around here, young

lady, that gives me the right to dictate!

As long as you're bigger than I am and

can yell louder and can pull more rank,

I have to listen! Then suppose you start.

Start what? Listening!

No need to yell. I can hear you.

This nonsense, these teenage revolutionary

tactics-- Nonsense? Nonsense?

Don't yell. I can hear you.

You've spent hours teaching me to fight for a principle,

and when I do, you call it nonsense.

I should have spent more hours teaching you the difference...

between principle and foolish idealism.

Defending the rights of a man like Sock is foolish idealism?

Well--

Destroying a man like Sock is your idea of principle?

No one is destroying anybody. No one is cheating anybody.

Mr. Socrates is being bought out fairly and squarely.

How can you buy out a man's life?

How can you pay him fairly and

squarely for a lifetime of hard work?

How can you put into dollars and

cents what that place means to him?

Or to me? Or to all the other kids that go there?

He must make very good hamburgers to earn such loyalty.

He makes lousy hamburgers.

What is this irresistible magic this pied piper has?

Oh, go ahead. Make jokes. Sock's world

is collapsing around him, and you--

And I'm tired of hearing the name "Sock"!

That figures.

What figures?

Crucifying a man you don't even know.

I don't want to know him!

And I thought you were different from other fathers.

I thought you had compassion and-- and

appreciation for the problems of others.

And I never thought you'd jump to

conclusions without knowing the facts.

What facts?

You wouldn't understand, Daddy.

You just wouldn't understand!

Why am I leaving? This is my room.

♪ [pop]

What'll it be? Coffee, please.

Cream.

You're in the wrong age bracket for cream.

Ain't you, pal? And sugar.

Well, it's your arteries.

As long as you're living

dangerously, how about a hamburger?

[quietly] No, thank you.

♪ [continues]

Hey, Sock! Where are ya?

Sock? Simmer down! I'll get there when I can!

Well, hurry up! Come on, Sock!

For Pete's sake! Can you tone it down to a college yell?

Nah, you haven't changed a bit.

Still the same old bundle of charm.

And here I come 3,000 miles just to have a bottle of champagne.

Gary! Gary Preeman!

Dr. Preeman, if you please.

Cast your baby blues over this.

Go ahead, Sock. Read it. Read it!

"Gerald Frederick Preeman, M.D.

Doctor of Medicine, New York Medical

College." How'd you get this?

They givin' these away instead of

tradin' stamps? Sure they are--

Four years of college four years of

medical school, three years internship.

Now all I need is three years more residency at Memorial,

and I can hang up my own shingle.

Congratulations. I've still got your tab.

Maybe you can pay your bill. My bill?

Listen. I'm gonna hand you a blank check,

and you can fill in your own numbers.

Uh, that is, if you can hang loose for about three years.

- What else is new? - On the level, Sock. I mean it.

If anyone has a lien on this piece of parchment, it's you.

I'd have never made it alone. That's why

I came here-- to let you know about it.

Cut it out. You'll have me bawlin', and my mascara'll run.

Besides, I'm busy. Eh--

Were where do you keep the glasses?

What do you mean, glasses? I just washed the glasses.

There are some paper cups under the counter.

I might have known. Hi. Hi.

Join me in a toast to the old guy?

Uh, thanks. I'm having coffee.

A very inappropriate beverage for a celebration. [cork pops]

I mean, uh, you wouldn't know it, but this

is a very important moment in my life.

I promised myself eight years ago

that, if I ever made it, [clattering]

this'd be the first place I'd head for--

Just to hug that ugly old man and say thanks.

You came all the way from New York to say thanks?

Little enough. Hey, Sock! Hurry up!

You know, this place hasn't changed

since the first time I saw it.

I remember one day, my life was crashing in around me--

Home, schools.

My father's business was on the skids.

Money was tight. Oh, it was lovely.

So I decided to make a switch.

Quit school, get a job, hit the road.

You know who stopped me? That character.

No, no, no. No lecture.

Nothing like that. He put me to work.

He said if I was lookin' for a job, I might as well start here.

So he put me in the kitchen washin'

dishes. Kept me there all night.

I must have washed enough dishes

to fill the Empire State Building.

I found out later that, uh, soon as I

washed 'em, he kept dirtying 'em up again.

Then the following morning, I was

ready to go home and back to school.

That was the first day. Now, you multiply that by 730,

and you got a picture of the next two years.

I wish I had a buck for every other kid he's helped.

What are you tryin' to do, ruin my image?

I'd have never made it, Sock, without your help.

And you know it. Okay, Doc. I'll try to

work up an ulcer for your first case.

Here's to you, Sock.

[knocking]

Anyone for a cease-fire?

Oh, Dad!

Hi, Pop. Hey, here are the new plans for the art museum, Gidge.

Oh!

- The new Shaggy Dog. - terrif!

It'll be the first time Picasso and

pizza ever shared the same roof.

Has Sock seen it yet? No, I thought

you might like that pleasure.

Great, 'cause we're going there

tonight. Huh? Who's picking you up?

[doorbell rings] Oh, Dad, would you get the door?

It's Buzz Britton--

You know, the magic man that was here

the night of the battle of the Lawrences.

I'll never forget him. Would you get it, please?

I d-- You answer the door. I don't trust him.

Oh, come on, Daddy. He promised not to steal any more clothes.

[chuckles]

Oh, hello, Buzz. Good evening, Professor. How are you?

Nice to see you. Hi, Buzz. I'm ready.

Well, let's go. Okay. Bye, Dad.

Good-bye, dear. Good night, Professor.

Nice seeing you.

Gidget.

Gidget!