Original subtitles

[no Audible dialogue]

[Gidget narrating] Why is it that some people...

just can't leave well enough alone?

Take my sister, Annie. Please.

Now she's on a "let's all make Gidget a young lady" kick.

That's her telling me it's not ladylike to yell out the window.

But what are you supposed to do when you want to talk to your best friend, Larue,

who lives three doors away and her line is busy?

Well, Annie taught me a lesson,

and I think her husband, John, got one too.

And my dear sister is very big on table manners too.

If you waited for people to pass the food, you'd starve to death.

See? She's even brainwashed that wonderful man at the end of the table.

Please pass the potatoes, dear sister of my heart.

Sorry about that, John.

[Gidget narrating] And another thing. Anne is anti-baseball for girls.

She keeps saying that young ladies shouldn't wear sweat socks...

because proper young ladies don't sweat. Ohh!

Well, I don't know if she's going to make a lady out of me,

but she's sure gonna wreck a beautiful marriage.

[no Audible dialogue]

♪ [jazzy pop]

♪ If you're in doubt about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

[sighs] Thanks, Jerry.

Miss Walker, nice to have met you. Dear man.

It's the art department, Russ. They live in a different world.

Say, what's with you? Every man you meet you have to kiss?

He's a full professor. The world needs love.

Besides, I've never heard you complain. I'm only an associate.

You didn't hear me complain either, Miss Walker.

Aha. You liked it.

The world needs love.

See you at the shop.

[engine starts]

Well, good evening. [together] Hi.

Cute girl. A friend of Jerry Rogers.

Instructor in the art department. Thinks the world needs love.

Hi, honey. Hi, Dad.

You cats sticking around for dinner? Uh-uh.

We just dropped by to give you some wonderful news.

Don't tell me. You are switching your major from psychology to folk dancing.

Still covering up the old hostility with humor.

Just tell me the good news.

We've found a school for Gidget.

I didn't know she was looking for one.

Daddy, wait till you hear. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.

[John] You remember me telling you about my friend, Moreau?

Claude Moreau? The exchange student?

Well, anyway,

it turns out that his father runs this exclusive girls' school in Paris.

And he said that with your being a college professor and all,

he's sure that he can arrange a full scholarship for Gidget.

How about that?

Your daughter ends up in one of the finest schools in Europe

and all you're out is the price of a plane ticket.

Isn't that incredible?

Oh, well, Anne, I--

I don't see any point in sending Gidget 6,000 miles away to school...

when she's already doing very well in a school 10 minutes away by bus.

But, Dad, a young girl needs more than just history and math in this life.

It's every bit as important to have social poise.

You think the Queen of England can do calculus?

Possibly not, but somehow I don't visualize Francie in the role.

[Anne] Daddy, really, it's nothing personal,

but Gidget should be given the chance to become a proper young lady.

Who isn't a proper young lady?

Hi, honey. You're just in time.

John and Anne dropped in to rearrange our lives. Again?

Tell her the good news.

Gidget, darling-- The answer is no.

Every time she starts a sentence with "Gidget, darling,"

I know I'm in trouble.

All I'm trying to tell you is that we've arranged for you to go...

to a fabulous girls' school, and guess where.

- Outer Mongolia. - No, Paris.

We don't have an extradition treaty with Outer Mongolia. Mm.

This is a school, Gidget, that specializes in turning out well-educated young ladies,

thoroughly versed in the social graces and,

above all, poised and highly sophisticated.

Who isn't sophisticated?

[Anne] If anyone ever needed this school.

Oh, Daddy, look at her. She hasn't a shred of feminine dignity.

Have you ever tried to have feminine dignity while you're chewing bubble gum?

- Then why do you chew it? - Well, I don't like the other kind.

Oh, this discussion is pointless. Now you're reading my mind.

Come on, Anne. We're wasting our time here. Good thinking, John. Bye, now.

Lipstick? My car needed work, and Jerry gave me a lift.

Mm. Well, that explains it.

He hardly ever travels alone. Right.

Well, I'll be down in a little while to fix you some nibbles and goodies.

What's the matter, my slip showing?

In a Freudian manner of speaking, it is.

You know, it would increase family harmony considerably...

if you'd stop treating every visit to this house...

as a field trip to a small sanitarium. You reached me.

Come on, Anne. A prophet's never honored in his own country.

I am happy to honor you as a son-in-law.

Why do you have to be a prophet?

You know what I mean.

If a professional therapist were to say it, you'd pay very serious attention.

And you should. Symbiosis is a very serious matter.

Can all this be translated into English?

John is of the opinion-- I don't need an interpreter.

You know that it would be an excellent thing

if your daughter were to attend this school,

but you're afraid to let her go to France.

- Afraid for her or afraid for the French? - For yourself.

You've grown to depend on her so much, your subconscious refuses to release her.

Me, dependent on that bubble gum addict?

Aren't you waiting for her to come down and fix you your nightly nibbles and goodies?

Well, if she doesn't, I'll fix it myself.

And cook your own meals and mend your own socks...

and bring yourself your paper and slippers?

I have a friend who has a cocker spaniel that does that,

and they're both very well-adjusted.

Does he also rub his back?

I think they're working on it.

What is all this? Well, John thinks--

I think that as long as you've got Gidget, you'll never remarry.

And then in about 20 years, we'll have the classic spectacle...

of an elderly parent with a dried-up, spinster daughter,

still fixing your meals and rubbing your back.

- That's symbiosis. - That's baloney.

Well, there's nothing wrong with Paris as long as I don't have to be there.

Okay, talk to you later. The father-figure just came in.

Ready for dinner? Have Sigmund and Mrs. Freud left yet?

Yeah. Is Paris definitely out?

Definitely. Whoo-wee.

We're doing all right. Come on, let's go downstairs.

As far as I'm concerned, you are father of the year.

Not to hear John talk. Well, who listens to John anyway?

If he had any class, he'd turn himself in.

Oh, I'll get your slippers. Uh, thanks just the same. I'll get my own slippers.

Oh, uh, don't start dinner yet. Uh, I have an idea.

But, Dad, you never fix dinner.

I've cooked more dinners than I can remember.

Now you just take it easy and leave everything to me.

Okay, but it's beef stew, and you have to use the pressure cooker.

It's up there on the top shelf, and it's heavy.

Oh, fine. I see it.

Okay.

[crash] Francie!

Oh, yeah. Oh, the, uh--

The big part caught me right about there.

I'll get it. No. No, wait a minute. I'll get it.

Well, you can't rub your own back. I've got to do it for you.

[John's voice] Then in about 20 years, we'll have the classic spectacle...

of an elderly parent with a dried-up, spinster daughter...

still fixing your meals and rubbing your back.

Francie!

I have something to tell you.

- He's sending me to Paris. - Oh, no!

Oh, yes. Holy Pierre.

From now on, my life is gonna be in subtitles.

Okay. That's, uh, three cheeseburgers. Right?

Right. And put some meat in the bun.

The last time, the F.B.I. couldn't have found the hamburger under that cheese.

- Hey, what do you want? - Gidge.

- Huh? - What do you want?

I want to know why he's sending me to Paris.

Give her what we ordered.

Gidget, why don't you stop trying to figure out your father?

Yeah. I stopped trying to figure my father out years ago.

Now I let him try to figure me out.

But it just doesn't make sense.

One minute he's on my side, and then, just like that, he makes a switch,

right in the middle of a massage no less.

Why don't you have another talk with him, Gidge?

Howie's right. Just tell him you don't want to go. Be honest.

Wrong. Parents are not equipped to handle honesty.

If I only knew why he was sending me away, I could reason with him.

I wonder what made him change his mind.

What do you mean, now I can live it up?

That's right, Professor. With Gidget away, you're no longer trapped. And I--

Wait a minute. Let's get one thing straight.

I am not sending Francie away because I feel trapped.

If anything, it's just the reverse.

Well, either way, with Gidget in Europe,

I'm dedicating myself to the proposition...

that you shall not suffer from a lack of companionship and entertainment.

- Follow me? - You've got this all figured out, haven't you?

Now, the one thing we bachelors have to fight is loneliness.

I don't think I'm gonna be all that lonely.

Of course. I lost my head.

Anne will be here, and you can spend your evenings having laughs...

with that fun-loving husband of hers.

You really know how to hurt a guy, don't you?

Wait a minute. I've got the solution. To what?

Your whole problem. I didn't know I had one.

With Gidget gone, you're gonna be rattling around this whole house by yourself.

Right? Well--

And scholarship or not, you're bound to be hit by a lot of added expenses, right?

I suppose so. Well, then we've got the whole thing licked.

I'll move in.

Uh, just a minute, Jerry. Now don't misunderstand me. No freeloading.

We'll split everything down the middle, including the mortgage payments.

Now you can't knock that. Well, that's very generous of you--

What generous? It's a case of mutual assistance.

I want to see you have some fun, have some laughs, live it up a little.

Well, it's very nice of you to take such an active interest in little old me.

- You know, I don't come empty-handed. - I didn't expect a dowry.

Now we'll put my stereo set right over here...

so that the sound drifts over to the fireplace.

That should do it. And then I'll send for my electrician.

- He'll install the dimmer right about over here. - Install the dimmer?

Oh, you'll love it. You kind of reach over, turn the little knob,

and the lights turn soft and pink and romantic.

Where are you gonna put the Chinese incense burner?

- In that corner. - [doorbell rings]

Oh, that must be Pat. Pat who?

Pat Taylor. Didn't I tell you about Pat? No.

You play your cards right, she'll fix it up with one of her model friends.

I don't want her to fix it up with one of her model friends.

Oh, you will when you find out what she models.

Honey. Hi, Jerry.

Russ, Pat Taylor. I'd like you to meet my new roommate, Russ Lawrence.

Hi. Oh, I've heard so much about you.

Well, nothing's really been-- You know what? This is a marvelous room.

I mean, it-- It's got such possibilities.

Oh, she has quite a flair for interior decorating. Great taste.

Do you know that corner needs something?

I thought we'd put my wine rack over there.

Oh, no. Your wine rack can go over there.

I mean, this corner gets the afternoon sun.

What did I tell you? Isn't she beautiful?

And you know what else you need are some bright-colored pillows,

give the place a little warmth.

Uh, if there's one thing we want, it's a warm room, eh, Russ?

If it gets any warmer in here, we could grow orchids.

I told you he had a sense of humor. Oh, he's divine.

Aren't you gonna show me the patio?

What a lovely setting.

But at night, I'd like a couple of burning tiki torches.

Tiki torches?

Looks like you're in. In what?

Well, it looks like you have a chance now to really catch up on your social life.

- [Pat] I miss a piece of statuary, something oriental. - [Russ] We've never missed it.

[Jerry] Well, why would you and Gidget miss it? That was a different life.

[Russ] If you think that life with Gidget is dull, you're sadly mistaken.

- Not dull, routine. - [Russ] Children require routine.

[Jerry] Well, isn't that what I'm saying?

And then comes the time when they fly off to school or somewhere and-- zap.

Well, that is if you're not too old by then. Zap?

Old? Him, old?

I know a man in his Gung ho years when I see one. Gung ho years?

Yes. You know, a man who has youth for vigor and age for authority.

Gung ho years?

Yeah. Well, I do feel as vigorous as I ever did.

So gather your rosebuds while you may, right?

All you need is to be shown where the rosebuds bloom, and that'll be my pleasure.

[Jerry] What did I tell you, buddy boy?

From now on, it won't be just living, it'll be la dolce vita.

[Gidget narrating] La dolce vita. I should have known.

At last the mystery is solved.

He's sending me to Paris so he can bring Paris here.

[Gidget narrating] How could I be so dumb

not to guess he's getting rid of me...

so he can have his freedom?

We women are such fools.

No man wants a 15 1/2-year-old albatross around his neck...

when he can have la dolce vita.

Well, I'm never going to let him know that I really don't want to go.

I'm going to be big about this.

Chin up, smile upon my face...

and, above all, be gay.

Bonjour, mes Amis.

That's "Hello, friends" in French.

Uh, garçon, garçon. Who are you calling Garson? My name's Irving.

What's your order? Do you have frogs' legs?

No. I'd say they're more like birds' legs.

That's why I couldn't make the football team. I'll have a hot dog.

- Right. - He's so bourgeois.

- What's with the French kick? - I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

- Au contraire. I can't wait to get to Paris. - Say, that's a switch.

Yeah. A few days ago, you wanted to kill yourself

because your father was gonna send you.

That was just a phase I was going through.

Upon mature reflection, I realized it was the only thing to broaden my horizons.

- How long you gonna be there, Gidge? - trois years.

- I think that means three. - Gee, that's a long time, Gidge.

Surf's up! Hey, Gidge, you want to go surfin'?

No, thank you.

Oh, come on. It'll be your last Oh, come on. It'll be your last

- Tomorrow? - Yeah. Tomorrow's Wednesday.

Uh--

Uh, I think I've got some shopping-- something--

- Say, Gidge! Your-- Your hot dog. - What's wrong with her?

Hello. I'm home.

Hi, honey.

I, uh, never-- never could pack a pipe as neatly as you.

What you got there?

Oh, I-- I bought this little thing that tells you all about foreign money.

Oh, that'll be handy.

Yeah, it tells you what the dollar's worth in

pounds, francs, lira and even "zlotnys,"

in case I get to Bulgaria.

Well, I hope you don't get so busy that you don't have time to drop an occasional line...

to a close relative, like your father.

Oh, Daddy, I'll write you all the time.

You'd better write me. You can count on that.

I'll even telephone.

The way you use a phone, that could get pretty expensive.

Well, you know, I'll just phone on-- on special occasions, like Christmas.

I hadn't thought about you being away at Christmas.

Who's going to trim my tree? Jerry.

That won't be quite the same. Well, you've got Annie and John.

Oh, that'll be fun. We can all sit around while John psychoanalyzes Santa Claus.

Oh, don't worry, Daddy. I'm sure you'll have a marvelous time.

Well, uh, I'd better go upstairs and finish packing.

[Gidget's voice] Well, you know,

I'll just phone on-- on special occasions,

like Christmas.

[sniffles]

Almost finished, Daddy. Just a few more things.

I'd like to talk to you. Sure, Daddy.

Uh, it's very important. What is it?

I'd like to know how you really feel about this venture.

I feel fine.

I mean, I-- I think it's a good idea for both of us, especially me.

I mean, I'll never get another chance like this, will I?

And if I don't take it and make the most of it,

what kind of a dope would I be?

You mean you really want to go... now?

I mean, I knew that at first you didn't.

Absolutely. Nothing could stop me.

Why'd you say you thought it was a good idea for both of us?

Because it is. Why?

I don't know. I can't explain it. It just is.

[sobbing]

Oh-- Oh, I'm sorry, Daddy.

You see, I-- I just get all sloppy when people go away,

even-- even me.

Why are you trying to fool your old man?

You don't really think this is a good idea at all. I do. I really do.

All these years, you've been fenced in raising me.

And you could have been off somewhere having a good time.

What have you got out of it? Nothing. Everything.

Raising you is the most interesting and enjoyable thing I can imagine.

But you've got to have your chance to live.

Live?

What do you think I've been doing all these years?

What kind of a chance are you talking about? Chance for what?

- La dolce vita. - La dolce vita? Where did you--

You think I wanted to get into Jerry's shoes?

Why, you little nut, I wouldn't change places with Jerry in a thousand years.

Don't you know that? Honest now, don't you?

But I heard...

I don't care what you heard. You know what the truth is.

You mean, you don't want la dolce vita?

What exactly is la dolce vita?

I don't know-- having a ball.

But I am having a ball. I've been having a ball for 15 and a half years.

Oh. Oh, Daddy, so have I.

I was just so afraid the ball was over.

Oh, Daddy.

Oh.

[Gidget narrating] The sudden choke-off of my European education...

brought a tidal wave of feedback.

Daddy took his position behind a solid wall of common sense.

And I'm not knocking it. But no animal relies on a single defense,

and I wasn't taking any chances.

That was the pleasantest half hour I ever spent with John.

These things do wonders for his personality.

Shall we clue him in? He might want to pass 'em around at parties.

No, let's keep 'em for ourselves. Ours is the greater need.

I really don't understand Anne and John.

Well, they should be agitating to keep me at home.

If they'd only open their eyes,

they'd see that I am the main reason for the amazing success of their marriage.

Without me as a target, what would they be doing?

Blasting away at each other like any other normal married couple, natch.

Some people, it seems, just don't know when they have a good thing.