Original subtitles

And you see, by the dawn's early light,

Irregularity is man's greatest flight.

Not very beautiful, the inside of the human body, but a marvel of engineering.

This is where it all happens, what we look like on the outside.

Depends on what's happening on the inside.

A smooth running machine is regular in its action. How do we keep it regular?

With care, repair, and perhaps a little oil.

But until recently, we have not had the great new scientific to make miracles

happen.

Clockwork, the result of the atomic electronic technological age.

Hey, you!

In the deep water.

Oh, you talking to me, lady?

What time is it?

Huh? What time is it?

Time? Uh -huh.

Don't be too long. It's after seven. Come on in.

Go on. Pull me in. You just paid 15 bucks for this hairdo.

15 bucks? Yeah.

You know something? You're breaking me.

You're hopeless Come

on in

We have something for you, love But beware

About $65 .70.

I'd say $67 .50.

I think it's marvelous the way you know the price of a house just by looking at

it. Well, it's just a matter of framing.

Just lovely.

Just lovely.

Someday, baby.

Someday.

Come on. Does that answer your question?

You know, if we can get in with this crowd, we've got it made.

You know, something else.

Hi. Hello.

We're the Osborne. Of course. You're the couple everybody. Come on in. Thank

you.

Congratulations. Nobody ever arrived on time.

Is there a door for us?

You may be it.

Oh, what a beautiful house you have.

Thank you. You know, Earth told me so much about it.

Hey, Tarzan, quit printing.

Get to here.

Who? The new Papa Earth friend.

Where's my jacket?

In the closet next to your shirt.

Next to what?

Next to your shirt.

Oh, next to my shirt.

Oh, next to my shirt.

Come right in.

Let's have a drink. Oh, my pleasure. Boy, what a room.

Thank you.

This house is just beautiful.

I'm so crazy about all the wood. You know, it's so warm and rich. Rich. Mitch

got it whole fit.

Can I make you a drink?

No, thank you.

Honey, a screwdriver?

Yeah, but easy. I'm a vodka.

All right.

To Mitch, a great coach. Valley Junior Sluggers?

Yeah, be sure and miss all the games.

Dale? Listen to this. This is so cute.

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.

Let it be known on this day that Mitch and Liz Burnett are hereby proclaimed

honorary life members of the Swingers Club of America.

Who's president, Frank Sinatra?

Frank Sinatra?

Is he a swinger? Sure. You know, songs for swinging lovers, for swingers only.

Yeah, we keep them right next to Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

Oh. Dale, get us a scroll like that, will you? Yeah, well, uh...

I'll do the best I can.

Hey, listen to this, honey.

I've got an answer to that.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you were here. The Osbournes. I'm Dale, and this is my

wife, Kathy.

Dale, Kathy. Hi. Hi. Thank you.

Mr. Burnett, where did you get that scroll? We'd love to have one like it.

Oh, this?

Let's put it this way. We didn't get it with green stamps.

Look, I want to show you this. This is Polaroids. Look at this.

I want to read this ad to you. Dear 72988 and 89, we are 32 and 28

My husband is Scotch -Irish, and I am French and part Cherokee. Build is

powerfully built, and I am petite and terribly sensitive.

We both love music and dancing and bowling and photography. We have a

fabulous collection showing ourselves and our friends in action.

I have some shots of my husband and Marjorie, our neighbor.

They're simply fabulous.

We're French culture addicts.

Mitch,

we know you can read. Go put your belt on.

Okay.

What was that letter all about?

Who knows? Who cares? Here, let me fix you a drink.

Why did I have to wear a shirt and a tie? Why couldn't I wear a sport coat?

Because you'll look better in a shirt and tie.

Now, believe me, you can use it.

We were supposed to be here at 7 .30.

We are late because I had to go and pick up the cake which you always promised

to bring and which I always have to go and pick up.

What the hell do you do all day long?

Hi. Hello. Oh, wild.

Irresponsible things like clean the house, go marketing, show for the kids,

up the babysitter, pick up the dry cleaner. Fine. That takes care of the

mornings. What do you do with the afternoons? Hold this.

Now, this is the size a woman should be.

This is the way a woman should feel.

And this kind of talk is going to get me in a lot of trouble.

Old -fashioned Dutch chocolate with pecan.

Sensational.

Where's the beast? He's getting dressed to go on safari. Oh, yeah?

Hey, Dale.

Glad you could make it. We wouldn't have missed it, would we, honey? Hello,

hello.

Glad to meet you, Kathy.

You didn't exaggerate. She's better than you deserve.

That's what she keeps telling me. Hi.

This is my better half, Natalie, Kathy and Dale Osborne. Pleasure.

Hi. Take me a Mai Tai, will you, huh?

I'll be right back.

Out of there, boy. Let her prowl behind the bar.

She doesn't hide much, does she?

Her says she used to be a showgirl.

She's still showy.

Meow. Out. Out.

Out you're in my territory, boy.

Instant store bought in my time.

Refills for Mr. and Mrs. Osborne? Yes, sir.

Screwdriver for the lady and the scotch and wine.

By this Liz?

Perfect. You should have been a bartender.

I'd rather be an astronaut.

Oh, come on, Natalie.

Oh, you long -legged sex maniac.

Mitch, you molested my wife.

She's going to be late.

Babysitter problems. The whole world has babysitter problems called the

population explosion.

We don't have that problem yet.

Practice, children.

Practice.

These are

going into my collection. I earned them.

Oh, quick.

Why should me collect all the souvenirs?

I knew I'd take care of Blair.

Waiter, I think I found a pearl in my oyster.

Hiya, Charlie.

How's business?

Got a 90 yesterday.

Oh, he does that with his nose. For you, that's bad.

For business, that's good.

Who'd you play with?

Jackie Gross.

Oh, that's got a pretty lady. Pretty wife. Why didn't you ask him to come

tonight? Business is business.

Oh, business is business. Mm -hmm.

Babysitter's got to die in a half an hour, and we're only paying 75 cents.

her, that's 50 cents an hour too much, and she's into my liquor.

A can of beer? According to the law, beer is liquor, and I'm not driving her

home later.

You expect her to walk?

Sure, she can sober up on the way home.

Oh, but Mike, it's so dangerous at night.

Who'd have the guts to attack her?

King Kong isn't that horny.

You hate my mother, don't you?

Yeah. Hi.

A projector. I left it in the car.

I'm mad at my mother, too.

It's beautiful.

Oh, John, where'd you get it?

Oh, come on in. I love you. Give it to me. Give it to my wife.

Give it to my wife.

I'll get Savannah.

Tell McCrory. There and Kathy Osborne. Oh, pleasure.

Hi, what's the occasion?

It's a going away party. Oh, where are you going?

Tijuana. Tijuana?

for the weekend.

Oh, we'll be back Sunday night. Oh, I'll have to get a ring of empty.

Say, listen, I think I'd know you anyway. You're smoky than beer.

Where's your husband?

He's in the car getting a projector.

I'll help you.

It's gorgeous what it costs.

Never mind what it costs.

Might be $2 ,200 for it. They're cheap.

Golly, let's run out and get a gross.

Some men appreciate their wives.

Some men got wives they can appreciate.

I wonder how I'd look at that. You'll never know.

Why not?

I'm allergic.

You're allergic to fur?

No, to $2 ,200.

Do you want to see the lining?

Not how slick you make it, it's how you make it slick.

They're black and gray and blonde and white and sometimes even red.

When long or short and wide aside, they should have stood in bed.

Man, it needs to be laid flat. Now, if you're content with the ladies' way of

hair grooming, there are always sprays, gels, and creams.

But a real man knows there is nothing like oil to slick it down. Use Slick,

man's hairdressing. Now, I've got me a slick chick with sexy bride in you.

She taught me a slick trick.

Slick has other uses, too.

It's not how slick you make it.

It's how you make it slick.

Man, it needs to be laid flat.

Now that's the way to run an airline.

2 ,200 bucks for a coat, and a guy wants 20 bucks more to put initials in the

lining. If you can't afford to drag a mink, don't wear it.

Oh, Mitch.

Selma.

That cost $2 ,200.

Hi, Lizzie, baby. Hi. Who do I set up to project?

Hi, Mike. Hi, now.

Hey.

Gee, who's this?

Hello. I'm Kathy. This is Dale.

Hi. Say, can I help you with that? Oh, no, that's okay.

I'm Mike from the fur coat.

Hey, Mitch.

Shh. I think we're being watched.

Hey, Mitch. Here.

Can I get a great one? Oh, with sound? What? With sound. Sound? Do you have

sound? Did you say sound? Yes. Sound. Do you have sound? No sound. No sound. No

sound. No sound.

We don't have sound.

We don't have any sound.

Make me a promise, Phil.

If you ever divorce Mike, give me first crack at it.

Yeah, my husband you can have. But the coat stays with me.

Come on, little Eva.

I want to buy you a drink before the bloodhounds start nipping at your rear

What's yours, Clyde? Make mine a double, will you, Mitch? I thought you were

trying to quit.

I am.

Guess who's babysitting tonight?

All right. My nomination for Mother of the Year, Tessie the Tipler.

Sounds not nice, Mike. You're right, honey, and she should stop it.

Oh, Thelma, Thelma, Thelma.

I want to thank you for that little brief you.

There's not a man on earth who could resist you.

Yes, well, you are exceptional.

Well, you're just a prince, Prince. I consider every fag a personal insult.

Who's a fag?

Oh, no!

You know, there's a great layout for a party.

Yeah, we should be on TV.

Who would sponsor us?

Oh, any reputable used car dealer.

That'll be the day. Maybe we ought to make a movie out of one of our parties.

Making a movie like that?

Couldn't they put us in jail?

If they do, I'll call the ACL.

Wait a minute.

Now you wait a minute.

That's one four -letter word I don't want to hear. The damned American Civil

Liberties Union. They're ruining the country. Last week it was the Supreme

Court. You bet your butt it was. You know something that's getting so bad

cop has to consult a lawyer before he can arrest some punk with a gun in his

hand. Stop in the name of the law. Put that television set back.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were a member of a minority group. Here, boy,

have a match.

Let her figure it out.

you something else. Your kid, my kid, can't even say a little prayer in

You know that?

What am I trying to prove anyway?

It's all communist -inspired. They're all communists. Good boy, Mitch. Took

15 minutes to make your first speech. Well, you started it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My shot!

Yeah. My shot!

Her shot.

Shoot.

You people are wild.

You're pretty wild yourself.

And he's bigger than he looks, too.

Yeah, well, I try to keep in shape.

All over?

Well, I haven't had any complaints.

Oh, he is big.

There you go.

You ready?

Hands off, Natalie.

I'm exercising my prerogative as a host.

Just wishful thinking.

Dale.

Dale.

a party like this. Are you crazy?

You stink.

At least those people in there are honest as to why they're here. You make

feel like a whore. Abby, listen to me.

No, you listen.

It's been weeks, haven't you, getting me ready for tonight?

Right? Hold it down. They're gonna hear us. I don't give a damn if the whole

town hears us. Wait a minute. I just had lunch with him at the office a few

times, writing a group policy for the office.

Maybe he can write a policy for our group.

Insurance men and accountants. In the Marine Corps, we call them pencil

He's cute.

To you, an IBM machine is cute.

Probably nothing will happen. Now, we need these people. What for?

For business.

It's that simple.

Business is contacts, contacts.

Now, without contacts, I'm dead.

Look, all I ask is that you go along, play the game. Oh, boy. Play the game.

this house, that pool, the country club, the whole thing? Well, I want.

And these people can help us get it.

I'm not the only guy selling insurance, you know.

Where's he from, Irving?

He was transferred down here from San Francisco about six months ago. A real

shot. You know the type.

Did you clue him in?

Now, would he be here if I didn't? All right, all right. You can't be too sure.

Now, she acts like she's a little square.

Hey, I'm your wife. Do you remember?

If you want a whore, go out and hire one. I'll lend her my wedding ring.

Don't act like this whole deal is a big surprise.

We talked about it. Oh, we did not.

Yeah, lots of the times you said you'd like to try it. See what it did you. See

if it turns you on. Hey, I'm a woman, Dale.

Women say lots of things men like to hear when they're making love.

Are you sure they swung before?

Yes.

He says they have.

What about her, Irving?

According to him, yes.

Dale, please, please come home with me now.

I'll say anything you want me to say and I'll do anything you want me to do. As

long as it's together in our own bed.

I was a damn fool.

You're my wife. I thought you'd do anything to help me.

She's probably a lamb in the living room and a tiger in bed.

What do you think, Annie?

On Friday night?

I don't think.

Right. Friday night is for drinking, winking, and linking.

Isn't he slave?

Suave.

Marcello Mastronini is suave.

You're swayed, Master Nene. I just hope tonight's as good as it was last week.

You remember?

If not, there's always scrabble.

What a dirty word.

Look, don't wait up. I'll check into a motel.

I thought you loved me.

Of course I love you, but I don't want to go far and fast with you or without

you, so make up your mind now.

We have kids and complications and community property, but now... I can't

believe it's that important to you.

Well, it is.

Okay,

Dale.

I'm going to be just what you want me to be.

Can I believe it? You just watch me.

One thing I do know.

Do you know what you're going to be tonight?

When we get into bed, besides sorry, second.

For a touchdown

every time, use Shaveroo, just like us pro football players do.

Shaveroo, taste it, boo.

Works in other areas, too.

You, you dirty rat.

I'm going to give it to you.

Uh -huh, uh -huh. Just like you gave it to my sister.

There you go, peddler.

What picture?

There, look who's back.

I bet you got lost. Thought maybe you didn't like us and went home.

Yeah, well, we're back. Don't worry about a thing.

I won't worry about anything.

Let's fix up a drink.

You want a drink?

You bet.

And I don't want any.

Screwdriver this time. Make it vodka and ice.

And what?

And vodka.

I tell you one thing, I like the

way she dresses.

That's pretty dress.

There's only one thing wrong with it.

What? That thing right there.

It's up to her. I shouldn't be down there.

Like this?

And now we can see a lot of things we didn't see before.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to see what I'm getting.

Ah, doesn't every man.

You've got quite a lady here, you know that? Thank you.

Do you want it?

It's a good excuse for partying. Oh, come on. You mean it's a good excuse for

orgy? Orgy, just another name for group therapy.

And I'll drink to that.

Let me ask you something. You ever swing before?

Of course we have.

See, I told you nothing to worry about. You know what kind of party this is

going to be, didn't you?

I told her.

He told me.

Lover, come sit by me.

Come in.

Now, family's satisfied.

Now you're getting to be a bore.

If me, I'm this kind of a guy. It's up the middle, cross, up and down, around,

you know, all right. Brother, is it comfortable over there?

Oh, I feel he's getting there.

Mitch, come show me the house, will you?

She wants me to show her the house. That's the most ridiculous thing I ever

heard.

Oh, I've got another one for you.

Carrie's man's dog.

Now, farewell there.

It's us and the Eskimos. Let's hear it for the Eskimos.

What Eskimos?

When Eskimos visited each other, they exchanged words. Very civilized.

I never thought I'd be so fond of Eskimos.

Oh,

you made a mistake, honey. We ordered beer, not champagne.

We got champagne, too, sir. I put a beer pocketbook. Well, then you have nothing

to worry about, Tiger.

You see, knowing good beer is my job.

And Plops is the best.

She's right.

It does taste like champagne.

Yeah, it's quality, all right.

Plops is love spelled sideways.

Plops, you will love, you will love, Plops, Plops, you will love.

I tell you, are these your children here?

Yeah, yeah, that's Daddy and that's Barbara. Oh, wow, he's a nice -looking

He looks a lot like you.

How old is he?

Well, Danny's, uh... I keep forgetting. Danny's, uh, ten next month, yeah? And

Barbara's five. Oh, beautiful.

Just beautiful.

What happens if they should, you know... No, no, don't worry about that,

because, uh...

Well, my daughter's at my mother's and Tanny's away at military school. No, but

be in public school for Mitch Burnett's pride and joy, right, buddy?

You damn right. I don't want some left -wing pinko teacher trying to poison my

kid's mind.

Hey, got a movie?

No, honey.

There's some more records on. We're still talking.

Yeah, play something slow and sexy. It turns me on.

You were born turned on. Don't listen to him, lover. I was pure as a driven snow

until that...

He led me to a life of sin.

When I married her, I was six foot six.

You play your cards right, honey.

You wind up three feet nine.

I'll tell you something else about public schools. Public schools. Just

till your kids start coming home with that one world integration crap.

Public schools.

Public schools is more like it.

Let's head for speech number two.

I don't know what's so bad about public schools. I went to a public school.

Save it, Kathleen. Mitch is an ironclad reactionary. You forgot to add bigot.

Bigot. You're goddamn right. At least I'm no bigger piece, Nick, who's blind

the facts.

Glad to see you're getting something out of those Birch meetings.

Look, people are getting fed up.

There's going to be a big house cleaning pretty soon. You mark my word. Please,

God, it shouldn't happen with this house.

Oh, you're so religious tonight, Earth.

What is it this time, religion or politics?

Politics. Religion is last, please. You know something, Irving, I'm getting fed

up with you. I'm getting sick of you. Ditto.

I could not give any misery. Are you really a member of the Birch Society?

Are you kidding? You name it, he'll join us.

Monday is the Elks, Tuesday is the Legion, Wednesday the Birchers, Thursday

PTA, Friday.

Our night.

And the weekend.

laughing, and when the commies try to take over, you're going to be the first

one over here to borrow a gun.

Now, will that be after fluoridation or before integration?

I can't get a place.

Bleeding heart liberals.

The first to get it in the neck when things go tough. You know who it is?

You heaves.

Oh, Mitch, you have class.

Every time he opens his mouth, he makes friends.

Please. Keep out of it. They won't turn on you. Well, that's settled it. We just

have to finish this off man to man.

You're both so childish.

You keep out of it. I want you.

Ready? I'm ready for the movie. Ready.

Clear the field of honor, right? Hey, Dan, give me a hand.

I'll say it anyway.

Ready?

When do we get laid?

Well, that is the idea, isn't it?

Well, you don't have to be crude.

Oh.

Dale prefers make love.

Dale's right. I prefer making love while I'm getting laid.

Here we make love. You want a bite? Go somewhere. Oh, that's top drawer

thinking. That's it.

Backstairs, that's exactly as sweet if I ever heard it. That's my wife. That's

why I married her. Come on. I want to take you out and look at the pool.

Everybody move back. Don't get your feet trampled on. That's it. Just step right

back. You'll be able to see a lot better.

I'd like to leave a call for nine.

I'd have given six to five if she was a virgin.

I was once.

I still am.

Why don't you go in the water? You don't need a suit.

Nobody will see you except me.

No, thanks.

Go on. I'm not going to fight you.

That's it.

I must seem like an awful drag to you.

No.

You're sweet.

You know, the first time Liz and I went to one of these parties, we had figured

that you just ran in there and you ripped off your clothes and everybody

it.

Frankly, so did I.

No, we're just plain folks at home.

Listen,

Liz is your wife.

How do you feel about another man making love to her?

Oh, look, let's put it this way. What are you doing here tonight?

Well, I'm not too sure.

Do you love Dale?

Yes. Does he love you?

I hope so.

Does he love you?

I hope so.

That's not what I want to hear. I want to know if he loves you or if he

Answer me that. Yes, he does.

That's all that matters, isn't it?

What happens tonight has nothing to do with tomorrow.

Now, you tell me truthfully, have you ever been to a party like this before?

Sure. We go to them all the time.

There was a particular party that we went to. The couple who gave it had a

lovely home with a beautiful swimming pool and a son who went to military

school. The funny thing about this party was that it was being given for a

couple who were leaving the following morning.

Tijuana. Right.

And I had a lovely time.

Sexy. Well, then eat a rock.

Peanut butter makes her sexy.

Where are you from?

Russia.

Is Mitch now?

Kitchen,

everybody. Captain Mitch is back.

Go right ahead, honey. I'll be with you in a second. I want to thank you, super

salesman.

I should never have changed my bet.

Nixon, too. I was right about Nixon.

How long have you been married, Kathy?

Three years. Have you ever, uh, ever, uh... Played around?

Yeah. Have you? Answer the question, Kathy.

No, you answer it, Dale. What about it? Well, I may be married, but I'm not

dead. My hero. How about you, Kathy?

Since we've been married, I mean. Well, honey, now that's for me to know and you

to find out, honey.

What's the matter, Kathy? You afraid to answer? You go to hell!

Kathy, how many times has some guy made a pass at you at a cocktail party?

How many tried to pick you up when Dale was out of town?

So many times I've lost count.

You never said anything?

Well, how could I? Half the time it was one of your bosses. You know, some vice

president with very sweaty hands.

I didn't know then what I know now.

Sorry I let you down, Dale.

Oh, come on, come on. Everybody knows sex makes the world go round.

I'm getting tired of hearing about Hollywood orgies. Do you think it's any

different in soft shoe Iowa and a pig's eye everybody balls?

Golly, I should have said it that way.

Now, Kathy's a pretty girl.

Any man's going to want to get her into a sack the same way Dale's going to try

to get some other guy's wife into the sack.

I never thought of it like that.

You can trust a swinger.

I've never been shafted by one yet.

You know what, Mitch? We ought to make a list.

Cross -index swingers by occupation.

If you need a plumber, at their prices, get a swinging plumber. If you need a

dentist, at his prices, get a swinging dentist.

A swinging mortician. Don't forget the swinging insurance, Matt.

Here, here.

Come on, go. Come on.

Come on.

What about a swinging interior

decorator?

You know something? You're not normal.

Normal? Normal.

You're normal.

I've seen bigger and rougher guys than you with a limp wrist.

I'm as normal as blueberry pie.

Your size pen, Kathy?

Yes.

Want to put something out yourself? No.

That'll be fine.

Does everyone come in here?

We hope so, honey.

We have four bedrooms, Kathy.

It's a matter of choice.

Here we are,

four married couples ready to switch partners. Do you call that normal?

I call that as normal as the so -called morality that you've had to live with up

until now.

You're not the die -hard reactionary that you thought you were. At heart,

just an overgrown hippie.

Me? A hippie? I hate those dirty kids with their... The only difference is

you bathe regularly. At heart, you're a rebel against society just like they

are. Hey, Dale.

What about a collision policy for swingers? That idea would be very

There are over 14 million.

And two.

14 million and two.

Last week, you lost five or six pounds.

I've been on a diet. The Canadian Air Force.

The whole Air Force?

Everything all right, Kathy?

Yes, everything's just fine.

It's more fun when we play games.

Sometimes we guss up.

Other times we play full of brushmen or doctor's office.

The boys, though.

Let's not keep them waiting.

I'll tell you a secret.

You'll get more out of it than the fellas do.

All you have to do is relax.

Go with it.

All you have to do is feel it.

You're beautiful.

I'd want them to see me if I were you.

I'd be proud.

I love the way you wear your hair.

So youthful.

Everyone will love you, Kathy.

And that's what it's all about, isn't it?

Love, Kathy.

That's what it's all about.

Liz, I'm so scared.

your machine?

That's impossible. My clothes and sheets come out cocktail gray as if I've never

washed them.

Well, it's not your machine.

There's nothing wrong with it.

There must be an answer.

Confidentially.

My boss at the shop says white power for the cleanest, whitest, brightest

results. White power every time.

It's fantastic.

The whitest white I ever saw.

All smart women say that.

White power does it every time.

I'll never be without white power again. White power.

White power.

Did you tell Kathy what kind of party this was going to be?

Well, my wife goes when I tell her.

Hey, that's the way to bring up abroad.

Matter of fact, I didn't even tell her.

Tell her what?

About this.

Oh, great.

That's what we like.

Surprises. Yeah, surprises.

All right, you guys.

Ready? Watch out.

Who said that the man's world... Anyone

care to discuss the inferior role of women in a male -oriented society? Not

That's the real...

On your knees, Sonny.

Dance with me.

There's no music. Dance. We'll make music.

You better dance with her, Toulouse, or she'll beat the hell out of you.

Sit down. I'll buy you a drink.

Here I come.

Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.

June? You know, this reminds me of the time I worked for Dr., uh, Dr., um...

Smith. Yeah, Smith.

Oh, uh, I meant to tell you, I've been in bed all day with 106, and that's a

of people to be in bed with.

Oh, Mitch.

Time for the unveiling, Kathy.

Come on.

I feel so silly. The boys won't think so. Come on.

Ah.

Oh.

Oh, you want some bubblegum, little girl?

Want to do a few handsprings for your uncle?

Give her a break, Mitch. She's scared to death.

Of what?

How are you the first time? Good girl, Kathy. Don't let her throw you.

Okay, now what?

Little girl.

Come here.

What for?

What for?

Stand right there.

Little girl today?

Are you kidding me?

Were you a good little girl today? Because I think you were very bad.

And I'm going to have to put you over my knees and give you an old -fashioned

spanking for your own good.

Schmuck, you mean for your own good.

Who asked you?

I myself am a registered Democrat, but I stand shoulder to shoulder with my

right -wing friend when it comes to child molestation.

Does that mean I'm against it? Come away from that dirty young man, child.

Wow, what was that all about?

What made you do a thing like that?

Well, I saw it in a movie. I thought it looked great.

Thank God you didn't see Jack the Ripper. You mean he's a sadist?

Oh, wow, he doesn't look like one.

Well, you should see him with chains and whips.

I do not.

Michael's just putting you on, honey.

Hey, now, the movie.

Not yet.

You guys have to get dressed.

All right, let's go. Let's go.

You think we should call home to see if the kids are okay?

What for? They're probably up drinking with your old lady.

He hates my mother.

Listen, you son of a bitch.

What kind of people do you think we are? You think we're stupid? You think we're

a bunch of freaks? Let me tell you something, big insurance man. You're the

freak and you know why?

You're putting me off.

I'd like to knock you right on your keister.

All I ask is that you go along and play the game.

Say, how many drinks do you have tonight, Irv? A hundred and three.

You're the only one selling it here, and that makes you the freak.

You're always lecturing, Irv. All you ever do is lecture. You're lucky I'm

lecturing, because if I stop, I'm going to hit you. You came to this party to do

business, just like those beautiful people at the cocktail parties that let

their fat bosses pinch their wives behind.

Or take down telephone numbers on the back of matchbook covers while some

broad's husband isn't watching. Anything for a buck. What about you on the golf

course, Irvingham? You got your price.

When I deliberately lose, that isn't selling my old lady's ass.

What makes you think that I would do this? What? Think. I know. You're bad,

baby. Bad.

I've had enough of this. I'm leaving.

No, you're not.

I'm not finished lecturing yet. As long as I talk, you're safe. You stink.

Why, because I did this for business?

That's number two. Number one, you brought your wife and she didn't know

kind of party this was going to be. Yeah, well, she knows what I tell her.

I know. You told us. Now, easy. I don't want any trouble with you. Of course

not. You need me.

What are you guys doing? Talking business?

At a party? Would we talk business at a party? No, we don't talk business at a

party.

That wouldn't hit you. No, why?

Why? Because we're in Mitch's house.

In my house, I'd kill you.

I'm going to a dinner party.

And to tell you the truth, I don't have time to take a shower.

The heat doesn't bother me because I'm safe.

I'm safe with Pit Stop and the new flat spray bottle. Carry it anywhere. It

doesn't bother me. Pit Stop.

Pit Stop preserves a black belt.

Chas, have you read anything about the Kiel bill? You know, it's basically an

insurance program. You know what I think about Friday night swinging?

No thought process involved.

I don't have to think about my mother -in -law paying my taxes, getting old,

the hydrogen bomb.

I don't even have to think about saying the right things to people or carrying

on with sparkling conversation.

Because a lot of words a good lay do not make. So do me a favor, will you?

Don't make me think. It's not my night for it.

You figure everybody's putting you down. Look, Mike, I'm not questioning any of

your motives for being here, but everyone seems to be questioning mine.

I've got to you.

Well, it keeps hitting on me like I'm only here for business, just to hustle

insurance. And you're not.

Oh, you want my motives too, huh? Well, Mike, let me spell it out for you. Let

me make it very clear.

I was transferred down from San Francisco a few months ago. Yeah, yeah,

us all about it. Well, did he tell you that we don't have any friends down

Did he tell you that Kathy and I are kind of lonely down here? Did he tell

that, huh?

If you're lonely together, join the club.

That's where it's at, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's where it's at.

I will never understand Nancy.

Well, you're doing pretty good. You got a make.

That was easy. I made Mike think he was the world's greatest stud.

We all do that, but you got the make.

Yeah. Stud.

Any one of us could wear the four of them out without half trying. We don't

them that.

You're not doing this just because they want you to?

No, are you kidding?

But we let them think we are.

It has its advantages, believe me.

My mink coat's just one of them.

Right. If there are any mink coats to be had, you'll have them. Not some chippy

he's playing around with. Look at it this way, honey.

Dale's got the itch. Now, if he doesn't do it with you, he'll do it without you.

Which is better?

Say, Mike, how'd you get started in this whole thing?

I've known Thelma since junior high.

And after we were married, it was the same stale Friday night parties with the

same stale people doing the same stale things.

And then one night somebody brought a stag film.

It was ridiculous. You know, the grainy film with the garter belt and the

grannies hanging out.

The guy thought it was a big joke.

Girls were a little embarrassed.

Something had changed, and we watched it again.

Pretty soon, everybody started turning on, you know?

There was some feeling and grabbing, and suddenly it was as though somebody had

yelled, Go!

That was five years ago.

Since then, Friday night parties aren't like that anymore.

They're like this.

Suppose he meets someone he likes better than me.

That's the chance you take.

But you know who else takes that chance?

Who? Non -swingers.

Okay, but what if when this is over, he changes?

Or you do.

Boy, if that's how your muffler sounds, ladies and gentlemen, then visit any of

the Vulcan muffler shops.

No appointment necessary and no waiting around at any time. All major credit

cards on it.

and easy credit terms available.

So if you want your mufflers to sound like this, visit your Vulcan muffler

dealer today. I bet you want to know how we did that.

All our factory -trained personnel have the magic touch.

In the Bay Area and all Pegasus service centers.

That's a no -no. I'll put one in the mascara.

Oh, Mitch, you're a thing of beauty.

You've got your sweet puffy eye.

Come, Michael. Let's get things started. We're going to see the movie theater.

You look

silly.

Strange. I thought I looked like a samurai.

You look like my gardener with rickets.

All right, let's move the couch, baby.

gets whom. How's that for English, Oberman?

Abume, that's whom. Oh, that's crude. Very crude. Get off the table.

Spin the bottle. Well, I haven't played that since I was a kid.

Well, spin, Harvey.

Whoever it lands in front of is yours.

Only for tonight.

Unfortunately. All right, nurse.

Prepare me.

fortune is now prepared to spin around and around she goes and where she stops

nobody knows

Once we get started, we'll never stop.

I will never understand.

Here we got the real thing, and we're looking at a silly movie about it.

Conditioning process supposed to make us all raging sex maniacs. Well, I don't

need any conditioning.

Me? Who do you think I am?

Hello.

The buttons on your back are killing you.

Nobody appreciates a good movie anymore.

If you care what you do love, love it.

What's the use? I can't. I can't.

Can't finish, see? No followers who does like you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry. It has nothing to do with you. It's not your fault.

Oh, look, I feel bad enough as it is. You don't have to be kind.

I'm not being kind to you.

But you know that if I could cut it, you wouldn't get out of this bed.

Oh, you're lying.

I'm lying.

I wish I were. I wish to God I were lying, boy.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

Your first party and you end up with a big, dumb eunuch.

But you're the leader, the party maker. Why do you do this to yourself?

Because I don't want to be lonely.

I don't want to be lonely.

I mean, I don't want to lose Liz. You see, I love my wife.

Now, what would you do? Would you get a divorce?

Would you go to a bar and pick up some men? Would you want somebody to keep

be somebody's mistress, bring somebody home from a car wash? What would you do?

I think I'd try and understand.

Understand.

Don't you know, my wife understands me. My wife understands me completely.

Liz loves me. What do you think makes me feel so guilty?

I thought...

With you, it might be different.

How do you like my impression of Mitch?

It's not how hard you make it.

It's how you make it hard.

It's not how hard you make it. It's how you make it hard.

Toasted, roasted, boiled, and fried. Our tobacco tight as roll.

Which is why it's tight inside.

The finest filter sold.

It's not how hard you make it. It's how you make it hard.

Our cigarettes don't bend or break. They're filters reinforced.

Tobacco won't fall off the end.

Because it's never coarse.

It's not how hard you make it. It's how you make it hard. You will taste good

too.

It's only instant.

Thanks, I was dying for something.

I was afraid to fool around in Mrs. Kitchen.

Her husband, yes? Her kitchen, no?

Yeah, something like that.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep.

Strange bed, a strange fellow.

Oh, a little of both.

Found them.

Found Mitch.

I know.

We all know.

But what is so complicated?

More than I believe possible.

Give it time.

It'll end complicated.

Why don't you talk it over with Dale? Oh, great. Dale. I have nothing I want

say to him.

And what would I say anyway?

Just how it is.

Oh, swell.

Dale, how it is is this.

The host didn't have me, but the host is almost dead. How do you want your

steak, baby?

That's perfect.

Especially the part about the steak.

Okay, now what?

It just means life goes on the way it did before.

Look, we've all been where you are. Except with you, it happened all at

Look, I'm not putting you down, Thelma. Just, you and I are two different women.

Has Liz ever made love to you?

Oh, look, I'm sorry. I had no right to ask that question.

That's all right.

Only the answer's not important.

Whether it's yes or no.

Because if it makes someone you love... Have a little pleasure.

And it's all right. Do I sound like a lesbian to you? No, of course not.

Neither is Liz.

But if it gives her pleasure to draw me near to her, well, I just let my

feelings be my guide.

Well, I can understand that. I just don't know if you're only going to know

when it happens, how far you want to go.

You know, nobody's going to put you down for saying no, for stopping at a point

you want to stop.

That's how we play.

Well, there's a group out near Malibu. All aerospace people.

Are they freaky.

S, M, and all.

Sadomasochism? Uh -huh.

You know, Mike was just... Oh, look, with that spanking thing. I figured that

out for myself.

And Natalie's costume, too?

Right. All put on.

Do you understand?

Mm -hmm.

Well, it'll be easier the next time.

Oh, I don't know about the next time.

Well, don't be too sure.

Love is like anything else.

Needs experience, practice, and exposure.

Oh, you know, you're not as much of a dumb bunny as you seem.

Oh, but I am a dumb bunny. I work at it. Why?

I'm a night world, sex world.

It's like...

Fancy -dressed balls.

Will you just keep changing costumes?

It makes your day world more bearable.

You know, the kids, the job, keeping up appearances.

Get a whole shot. Oh, wow, you make your night world sound wonderful, but your

day world's lousy. Oh, I didn't mean to. Look, Kathy, I got a wonderful husband.

Two terrific kids.

A gummy mink coat.

Do you feel better?

A little.

Good.

Only I'm still confused and angry.

Natalie must be so experienced.

Uh -huh.

And you want to keep Daryl to yourself.

Well, don't you ever get jealous?

Oh, sometimes.

Whenever a new couple come into our group for the first time.

And she might be younger and prettier than I am.

Selma, I love you for saying that.

You're a lesbian, too.

Four o 'clock sugar time.

Oh, I sleep.

Like a well -fed baby.

Here.

Potty's in there.

Hey.

What? Well, come on. I'm making coffee. I'm cleaning up. Where are my

cigarettes?

Under the bed.

Under the bed.

Coffee? Yeah, I love it.

Hello, Mother. This is Selma.

Your daughter.

Mother, how are the kids?

They weren't much trouble, were they?

Oh, that's good.

Listen, Mother, I'm sorry we're so late, but you know how these bridge parties

are.

Well, we'll be home soon.

Of course Mike will drive you home.

What lock on the refrigerator door?

Tell Liz to hurry with that coffee, will you, lover? Yeah, sure.

Well, is something wrong?

Well, I was wondering if I could call you sometime.

What for?

I'd like to see you.

Irv and I play together, not at all.

Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, that's what I meant.

Kathy and I will call you sometime.

Well, whatever you meant, let me tell you this.

I don't cheat on my husband.

Have fun?

Yeah, I guess so.

Guess so?

Well, I did.

Good. Say, about what happened before, I hope you feel differently about me.

Okay. What does that mean you do?

That means I don't.

Morning. Morning.

Oh, listen, I, uh... I was thinking, why don't you give me a call during the

week? Maybe we'll play some golf out at the club.

Might do yourself some good.

Oh, I sure will, Mitch. Thanks a lot.

That's what you came for, isn't it?

Are you?

You put a paddle on a refrigerator?

But she's sober, isn't she? For the first time, she's sober. You want steak.

He wants pancakes.

He wants French toast.

And I'm going to end up with a big pile of dishes.

Hey, she can help. She can, but she won't. She hasn't been in coat now.

And you?

I have a Jewish husband.

His hands haven't been in dishwater in all these seven years.

Exactly.

Last one to Howard Johnson pays the tab.

It's for you.

Tell them I'll be at Howard Johnson's. You cheated.

You cheated.

You cheated.

Can I ride with you in this?

Sure.

Come on in.

We have something for you, love.

But beware.

If you care what you do now, or the...