Original subtitles

I will tell you such things... How should I start?

Oh yes, right. That's the city in which I live.

Although, in reality, I don't live here, I live here.

Here I have tons of programs, here I go for walks...

here I talk with people, here I know what the weather is like outside,

the program's name is "too lazy to get up to go outside".

Here I have some secret buttons I won't tell you about...

In short: This is my computer.

Case, CDs, the wall was painted by some friends...

Lots of stuffs, plant, and that is me. Gena Ryzhov.

with ancient headphones from 1967.

This is my connection with the internet,

So, everything started when I...

Well, that's my friend Venjamin, also known as VeNick.

In real life he looks like this, but he sees himself as such.

VeNick is a gamer, a computergame junkie.

And that is his girlfriend. Although, it's all a lot more complicated.

In a gamerforum he got to know her.

He writes: "I will kill you!"

And she answers: "No, I will kill you!"

So they killed each other... until he realized he had fallen in love.

And decided to meet her.

So he stands at the decided meeting point...

and to him a girl comes on inline skates.

Hello. Guess what my name is!

Girl, what is it of my business what your name is?

So you played computer games with her for 6 months

and you said all the time that you have a girlfriend.

And now it turns out she's only 12 years old.

How do you want it with her... now... na...

I wait until she's 18. And during this time nobody will [fuck my brains out].

Yes, right. So she doesn't disturb you while you're gaming.

Actually one says... women just get really good with 30...

Oh yes. I forgot about Alyssa. That is her. Her pseudonym is of course "Selesnewa"

that is how she sees herself and she loves to chat.

So it is. We are adult people, but nothing in our heads.

In our time it's difficult to grow up anyways. How can one grow up here?

And this is Bill Gates. And this is his Microsoft Corporation.

When you switch on your computer, the operating system Windows boots up.

Whether you want it or not, but without Windows you don't get far nowadays.

Windows annoys me so much that even if I don't sit in front of a computer,

I see errors everywhere.

"Do you really want to pee? Yes/No"

Whatever, away with Windows. That's got nothing to do with this story at all.

Everything started with hacking because hacking is just cool.

For hacking one should get nobel prizes.

The laws aren't perfect and for those things you get into jail.

"Mouse"

Well, anyways. Everything started when I hacked the server of Microsoft.

Maggots... Lamers.

"Have you hacked the server of Microsoft? Yes/No"

"Move file "Genadi" to folder "Wladimirski Central Jail"? Yes/No"

Well, you are fast today.

This is Lena, my girlfriend.

Did you sit at your computer again?

Look closely!

Yes. A butt.

Look closely _where_ this butt is.

On your monitor you have a butt. I don't see anything reasonable or interesting in that.

Sorry, look at the adress! Microsoft.com!

Instead of earning money, you always do some kind of shit.

She's never happy, she nags all the time.

Also, everything started with women. Because I was never able to build a stable relationship with them.

Idiot.

"Error. Connection closed."

Imbecile.

"Error. Connection closed."

Bore.

"Error. Connection closed."

Of course my friends tried to help me.

I know. You need a hacker girl.

Some time you said this already. -Really?

A year ago

I searched, searched, but didn't find anywhere.

Then I went into a hacker forum and posed the stupidest question possible.

Everybody started laughing...

because the most important thing for a hacker is his anonymity.

By the way, if she thinks you're from the FBI, she has to be American.

Forget her, man. Maybe she's old. Or fat.

If she's American, she is definitely fat.

So, that didn't result in anything. After that I met Lena.

What is a hacker anyways? Probably a hacker means being cool.

She was completely wrong. In my life there is no romance at all.

On the other side there's a guy, typing furiously into his monitor...

If something, he's already betraying her.

And at night you're dreaming so weird things... better not sleep anymore.

"Have you hacked the server "Kingdom of Heaven"?"

Or I dream I forgot all of my passwords.

Shut up, I'm sleeping.

Lena isn't especially happy when I try to remember them.

Stop. I strayed from the story again. Everything started with a teapot.

You're living like a junkie. Even tea you're cooking in a pot.

Lena, how is that important?

For normal people this is important. What a hacker you are.

You can't earn money, you can't steal money, what _can_ you do?

If I steal money, I'll get caught one day. Stealing money is dangerous.

At least steal a teapot from the internet. Otherwise you aren't a hacker but some idiot.

Alright, alright.

Shit, dirt... what is that? An extraemitter?

Too expensive, too expensive... This one isn't bad.

So I look at it, see the link... Teapot isn't too expensive...

And then I made the biggest mistake you shouldn't do. I entered my adress for delivery.

They deliver directly to your home!

This is no teapot. This is a can.

Somehow she was right. It was a can.

Oh yes. And with that can, everything started.

I wanted a normal teapot you can plug into an outlet... and cook water with it.

And this is some kind of nonsense!

This is no nonsense! It's a rarity. I bid on it in an auction.

I don't care where you have it from. This is shit!

"Severe error at address "Lena""

And your whole life is shit! And you yourself are an idiot! You are annoying me!

"Connection to object Lena will be cancelled in 3 seconds"

Did you understand?

"Program "Sexual relationship" deleted"

That's it. Don't call me anymore!

That's how everything started. It doesn't matter how, main thing is, everything started...

and over me clouds started to assemble.

Zürich, Switzerland

No! No! That cannot be! Do you see?

I don't believe it. Is already sold!

To whom can I speak other than the author of the auction?

These are our family values!

Can you please give me any information?

Of course. Thank you.

Hello? Our hacker has appeared.

Ryzhov Genadii Vitalyevitsh! Oh man, I had problems with that delivery.

KTD, customs... All in all, that makes 1000$.

What? 1000$? Delivery is more expensive than the article?

For that money I don't need that can at all.

However you want. The article was delivered, but the addressee doesn't want to accept...

I'll have to send some queries then... We should find out who the addressee is...

how he got the article...

Wait. Don't send out any queries. The delivery can't be that expensive?

It can. It's written on your forehead who you are and what you do.

Listen. If the money isn't here by today evening, I'll help you work for it.

You are, after all, our... hacker.

And? Did you rambling work?

It did, it did. When I started talking about the cops, he peed his pants.

What smell. For the money there could be a djinni with it!

I conjure you djinni, come out!

Yes! Michael Jordan is a lamer!

Genadii Ryzhov stole the can directly from under my nose.

I will make him a worm!

Yes! He earned it!

Yeah. I need the money today. What? I'm supposed to sell my computer?

Are you a little limited? I'd rather sell my gun.

What are you doing?

He yelled at me!

Who are you anyways?

Djin.

What? A djin? Why didn't I know myself? Something like Khottabych?

Khottabych, exactly. Call me whatever you want, master.

Listen, Khottabych. Get out of here, understand?

Understood nothing!

With the fist into the face... a turn and on the eye!

If you are a djinni, prove it. Show me a miracle.

"Miracle"

Alright alright! I believe you.

You have three wishes, my young friend.

Go and find out what we need to know.

I will!

So you are a djin. -Yes.

So, so, so. Here. That is a mouse. Can you make it so that on every mouse there's a can opener?

It is uncomfortable to... when you sit at your PC...

Can't you think of something more intelligent?

You have only three wishes, you idiot!

I'll buy me a new car, a datsha... Everything will be like with humans.

Over this hacker we'll earn millions!

He doesn't have any money, doesn't know where to go... He will work for it.

Djin is already gone. Can is gone.

Stay there and listen to what they say.

Hello? Hi. And, how about the money?

One moment. Khottabych. Can you make money? It's a piece of paper with a pattern.

Will it be your first wish too?

Yes! I'll be right back.

Hello? Hello? -What hello?

Hello? -Hello to yourself!

The heck? Where should I get 100$ from?

In 5 minutes you'll have 200!

Then here you go.

Hm. This is very high quality papyrus. But is this pattern beautiful?

I don't know. But a lot of people like it a lot.

And how much do you want? -A million! A milliard! At best: a billion!

So: quite a lot. I understand.

Whatevermuch-llions.

Hey, but not everything at once!

What? He can pay? You know what? Maybe I should shove the 1000$ up your ass!

Did you understand? It's enough. I'll go talk to him.

Lena! Such weird things happening here. I drew Khottabych out of the can!

He's really cool! He can do everything you want! Imagine! Please call me back.

Yesterday an unknown hacker attacked the server of "Microsoft". Hacker, server... What is that?

All just lamers. And the unknown hacker is me. Cool, eh?

Sadly till now we could only find out that the attack on the corporation was carried out by a hacker from Moscow.

We hope on your collaboration on the search for the terrorist.

Alright. We'll collaborate on the search for the terrorist.

On the search our security expert will help you. -Help us?

Yes. Anny flew here from Seattle today. -So this is what experts at Mictosoft look like?

Now I understand everything.

I don't doubt you're playing professionally with dolls.

How did she find out I'm from Moscow? Sent a picture too.

Ohh... Sympathetic girl. -Oh yes.

Do you know her? -I have known her for a long time, but I'm seeing her for the first time.

Actually I wanted to get to know her for some time, but it never happened.

Khottabych, did you use your magic here? -I didn't touch anything!

So, I should send her a pic too.

She shouldn't see that. That's something else... I'm sick of something here,

she shouldn't know anything about that either... She won't understand that...

She'll understand that, but wrong... This should stay my little secret.

This one's ok. Although, one should help it a little.

Oh well, that looks a lot better already.

Khottabych, that's the girl I need. I want her to fall in love with me.

Not only a hacker, also knows how to use Photoshop.

Lena? You don't have to call back.

Well, nothing will come of it. There are things even a djin can't do.

Djins can't kill, can't force to love, and can't undo love.

Really. Awesome magician. Well. I'll consult my online ghosts.

I'll meet her today. Who advises what?

Show her you're cool.

Be a man. Not like all whites.

Important is to seem older. Show her you're adult.

Use Chinese candles.

Fill her up with beer.

Drive her with your car, invite her to your home, and be a real macho.

Alright. Drive with a car and fill up with beer.

Drive with a car, hm... Car, car, that's something else. Oh, that's a cool car. Although, she'll get scared.

That's a really cool car! Waiting time: 60 days.

Fuck, too long. Done in 40 minutes.

That's exactly what I'm searching for. Hmm... romantic atmosphere.

Khottabych, how can one create a romantic atmosphere at home?

Carpets, scented candles... -Carpets, scented candles... What should I with those candles?

If she is a hacker, you have to fill your apartment with computers. Come to me to the shop, I'll give you a discount.

Buy a lot of computers.

What do you think? Which one is better for a date? -Better think about your second wish.

And give me the can back. -The can? I don't have it anymore.

What? What you don't have it anymore? -I threw it away.

What? You threw the can away? What a disaster.

It stank from it. -It wasn't smelly!

And what if the can gets into the wrong hands? And what if the new master wants me to burn crops? Or annoy little children?

What then? -Come down. Your can is in the trash.

What a disaster. The monster swallowed my can.

I will fly after it on my flying carpet.

What the hell? What flying carpet? I ate your flying carpet years ago. -What a disaster.

Up yours.

They don't have the can. The can is driving away at the moment.

Then catch up with them!

Do this, do that. You are annoying me.

Maybe I'm an actress! Maybe I want to play in the theatre!

The flying carpet was eaten by the moth. Am I so old already?

How long have you been in the can?

Uh... 3 times 30 times 30 years and then 30 times 3 years. -2790.

That's quite a lot. And I don't go outside for months. When I go outside then, I don't understand anything anymore.

What happens around me? Alright. I'll help you. It's my fault after all.

You know what, let's not take a carpet, but flying linoleum.

Is difficult to wash... doesn't get eaten!

It doesn't work! We need speed.

Khottabych! Hit the brakes!

Copper! About 700g! -Put it to the old metal.

There he is!

3 times 30 bags, then we'll find it. Did you think of a second wish yet?

No, not yet. -Think faster!

Look! Do you want to look like that? -Seducing. Although, no, I'll think of something better.

And you, don't bark around. If I only knew what you're barking, I would bark back at you.

Give me something to eat! Why don't you understand?

Did you hear? The dog talks! -With that I fulfilled your second wish. Now you understand birds, animals and all other creatures.

What? Did I ask you for it? -You said yourself: If I only knew...

Listen, you djin. The next time you'll rather ask, did you understand? -Understood.

I'll go to the dump to eat now. -Go wherever you want!

I found it. The can is at the metal trader. -Where? -Back there.

So. What's happening here? Show your papers. Especially you.

What kind of papers? -Something approximately like that.

Hehe, from these papers I have quite a lot!

Ok, listen, climb out of that thing now. -You listen, you don't have the can, so don't order around, you monkeycat!

Yeah, right. Better piss off from here. -It happened, my new master calls for me!

Order me, my master. I'm ready to fulfill all your wishes.

Sit down. -Your first wish will be fulfilled, my master.

Drink. -Everything you wish. This is the second wish.

Illusionist! Tell me, how do you do that? -Your third wish. You can already do it.

Hey! Copperfield! And a million dollars, can you materialize it?

Only three wishes, guys. Only three.

The right moment to speak out the third wish. Ayayay... I'll help him anyways.

Your papers.

Where is the can? -Never again will you lift glasses with your eyes!

Do you understand?

Understood.

So, now I'll occupy myself with my own affairs. What the girl likes I need.

a) Drive with a car

b) Create romantic atmosphere at home

And to all this, the girl is a hacker. -Of course I don't question the wisdom of your online ghosts...

but I am a very wise one too. I'm many thousand years old already.

You have weird trees here. Be greeted, tree! -Is silent. Doesn't want to answer.

Oho. Nice.

Did you forget to lock the door?

Oho. You are quite a lot. Do you draw money? And where is Genadii?

And? And?

I know, what not even your wisest heads know. -For example?

The earth... has the form... of a sphere.

Cool. -I can show you how to win the heart of a woman.

Do. -You have to tell her. You wonderfully beautiful woman...

your body is like the one of a wild beast. Your skin is as soft as a feather.

Your hair is like a breathtaking waterfall, your tits are... -Khottabych, we should stop with the tits...

Stop telling me fairytales! Do you think I'm an idiot?

So, hacker-glasseswearer-botanics. You'll work for me now.

What do you look like that? Draw over! -What should I draw over?

Are you stupid or what? Is this your first time at a computer? Just draw the money from the bank.

And fast! -How much should I draw?

How stupid questions you can ask. A million.

Done. Money was transferred via E-mail.

Not bad.

And, how did it go? -Let's pick up the money.

There's the disc too. Not badly hidden.

How they multiplied!

Say, what bird is it which sings so beautifully? -Oh, that's just an alarm system.

Should I change all of it? -Yes.

Until you found the djinni you don't have to come back.

If I only could, I'd never come back.

"5 hours 17 minutes and 10 seconds left until meeting with object "girl""

"Start preparations? Yes/No"

Do you maybe have something nostalgic? -Yes, something cooler.

My grandfather has an old Pobeda from 1951. But the car is expensive. Very expensive.

"Buy a car"

The car, as it turned out, wasn't only very old, but also very expensive.

Whatever. If you really tune it, there isn't a car like it, not even in the USA.

"Buy stuff to drink"

Ok, so bring the car at 6 pm to the red square.

I'll organize it. -Don't come late or I'll curse you!

Shit, all looks like shit. Then suddenly I got an idea.

Yo, Genadii, I'll do it, no question.

As long as Khottabych chilled and got used to big city life, I went to the shop to get some computers.

They'll connect everything. And when she gets into the apartment and sees the beauty,

you'll get it going with her right away.

Alright. Here are my keys.

"Buy new computers and servers"

How the world changed. It is boring. No, not that boring, actually.

Boring. I think he left me. Or he's getting his friends. They'll take my can and wish wishes...

What?

No, no money arrived today. -Another question...

Money over E-mail, how long does it take?

Tanya, did you hear? Money over E-mail!

Those shitbags...

I have it. He hacked the server.

Then we'll get him.

And that's the proof.

We still had some time till 6 o'clock so I asked Khottabych to drink beer.

"Relax and drink beer? Yes/No"

He didn't want to drink human beer, so he conjured up his own.

Khottabych... You won't burst, will you?

I'm a spirit and living a spiritual life. Why should I mind my body?

Although from time to time you should...

Put the can down. You don't let it out of your eyesight anymore!

As soon as I have fulfilled the wish of one human, the next one comes up.

The can goes from hand to hand and I'm supposed to do something to someone all the time!

But now, when I have fulfilled your third and last wish, I'll return to where all djinnis live.

Wow, that's really a miracle...

What kind of things you do. -When you want to make a deal, ask me how to.

You'd like that! Another 6 months without sex!

Well then. I gotta work.

Could you tell me where I can find Genadii Ryzhov? -I think he went to an internetcafe.

Tell me, who paints all these paintings? -They aren't paintings, they are photos.

What, this woman is a photo too? -Yes of course.

Do you want to have a camera? You can take photos yourself with it. When you take a photo, a flat picture of this person appears.

Wait, you'll see for yourself right away. Open Sesame!

I can do that, too.

Here. I bought you a camera. Take a picture. Aim at me and push the button.

It didn't work! -Yes, because the photo is still inside. I'll explain...

Ok, now it worked!

You won't understand that... Open Sesame... Here you have a camera... Which one of us is the wiser?

An unknown hacker put a corporation to shame. Even the Moscow komsomolic writes about me already!

Do you want it to only write about you?

Your third wish and I'll be gone. -No. Wait a while, Khottabych, why are you so fast?

Don't take any pictures of me! I have a date to go to today!

Hey, listen... Does she have a friend, maybe? -A friend?

Khottabych, I'll find one for you on the internet. -Internet? What is that?

You can't explain it with two words. You can do everything on the internet.

Get drunk with friends... Sing songs...

"Dlya-dlya-dlya"

and of course occupy with sex.

"I slowly take my leather coat off."

"I already took everything off and I'm sitting here and freezing."

On the internet you can see other cities and countries.

Paris. Real time camera in live stream.

Tokyo, New York...

and since yesterday Mogilev Podolsky online.

Now it's offline.

Say... Can you see on the internet how beautiful women shower?

Nothing easier than that.

So.. For example. Cheerleader Baseball team from Kentucky.

What stuff do you do here?

That wasn't for me! Khottabych asked! -I didn't ask for anything. He showed me!

I'll introduce you. Khottabych, djinni from the can.

Tell me what you smoked and I'll tell you who you are.

So, my children, how about a beer?

A quarter to 6. I'll go to my date. Amuse yourselves.

Here.

Stand still, it doesn't hurt!

I already thought you wouldn't go. I'm a wise man, after all.

She'll see me and think "What a loser". -How can you be a loser with so much money?

I already understood how your world works. -So, if she wants to be with me, only because of the money?

No, not only because of the money. Look, what is it my business anyways?

She sent her picture herself! She called you herself. You see. -Actually, yes.

Once I had to go too. But I got scared and didn't go. I had thousands of women after that.

But I never found somebody for life. So, go, and don't be a brake. Go, will you!

And don't forget to talk about the tits!

I can conjure up thousands of beautiful women. But to find one who will understand me too... I have a problem with that.

Here are thousands of women. Chat with everyone you want to.

To get into a chat, you first need a nickname. About like that, although...

it isn't really solid... about like that.

"Hello, Khottabych... Do you want to meet me?"

Say, how do you do your magic? Do you have magic hair?

Here, hold it.

And now? How can I use it? -Be quiet. Don't disturb me.

"Hello kittie"

"Tell me something about you."

"So I climbed into the mouth of the dragon and knocked his teeth out."

"It is so interesting with you."

"I can tell a lot more things..."

And? How's it going? Do you want to play CS?

I can't play CS. -I'll teach you.

Too early... too early...

Now, now! Exactly now! Grenade!

Whoa, not bad.

What idiots.

Oh no... I'm fucked.

"Error"

Why didn't I think of it earlier? Sent a wrong picture. What should I do now?

The most important thing about a person is the soul... and not the body. I'll give her money. She should get a new hairstyle... Some beauty fixes...

When I saw her, my heart started singing. Even in English.

Were you the one who hacked the Microsoft server? -Yes...

Finally I met someone who appreciates that.

Just my job. Nothing personal.

I won all levels!

Let's disappear from here. What are you standing around, beauty?

How do you talk anyways? Wait.. Now you're speaking Russian.

I can speak Russian? -Yes... Rather help bring the bridegroom away from here.

The bridegroom?

A car is waiting for us here.

Maybe someone can explain what's going on here? -I'll explain everything to you. But first you have to kiss him.

Otherwise he won't wake up again. -Does it have to be?

The poison is working on humans exactly like on djinnis.

Only your kiss can awaken him again.

Na, do it!

What? That's supposed to be a kiss?

Leave me alone, bitch.

You have a strange relationship.

It would have worked without kissing... I just did that... For fun.

Who was this guy who shot at you? -That was Shaitan. In your language you say "Shaitanich" (Satan).

In the world everything is connected.

There are djinnis who fulfill wishes and Shaitans, who do the opposite. -The opposite?

They make your wishes not come true, never. For example you. You want to have a lot of money.

Shaitan will find that out and make it so that you will always, whatever you do, be poor.

I think I understood now. -Dreamkiller.

If the can gets into his hands, I'll be his slave. Forever.

And if he finds all the other 12 djinnis, he will be the Allmighty.

And then... well, said shortly: the biggest apocalypse.

A weird car you have. How long have you had it? -Not long. Since today.

I actually wanted to meet up with a girl. I made the car for her.

I wanted to appeal to her. I thought we'd drive around, drink beer...

I thought it would be fun. But this girl, as it turned out, is such a bitch

I don't even want to talk about her.

Maybe she isn't that bad. Maybe she grew up. She works in a big company. Everything changed. It's her job now.

And? Tell me your third wish now. -Now already?

Yes, now. Until Shaitanych hasn't found me.

I want... eternal life! For everyone!

For everyone? How nice. And, in the end, overpopulation, hunger, wars.

Well then... -Don't think about others. Wish for yourself.

For me? -For you.

I want you to stay.

Well, if you have to go... I want...

Make me a beer.

That's it? Isn't that enough for you?

That's it... Take care.

Maybe you'll visit me some time.

At least write some letters.

Yes, I knew everything was different in Russia. But I didn't think it would be so different.

If you lived here longer, you wouldn't see only that. Everywhere Khottabychs... Garynichs... and the Baba Yaga.

Baba Yaga? Who's that? Did you have sex with her?

Surround them! Stand still! Don't move! Get down!

Put them in our car!

Wait! I can explain everything to you! -So you can speak Russian, too.

Wait, I know exactly it isn't him!

Well, for that we know it is him. -Goat.

We discovered that by chance. -There are really weird stripes on it.

Yes, inspector, we found out: It is papyrus!

What? What kind of papyrus? -Real papyrus.

Was used in old egypt. -Which idiot prints money on papyrus?

Alright. Are there any special signs?

Please, get out of the car.

Dear Genadii. We want to thank you for your bravery and your high professionalism,

which you have shown by hacking the damn Microsoft server.

I don't understand. Do you want me to work with you?

This is yours. Do whatever you want, hack whatever you want.

We understood we were wrong. We will never disturb you again and what happened today we will just forget.

Long live Genadii Vitalyevitsh! Long live Genadii Vitalyevitsh, also known as MaZaHaKa.

They don't sing all that bad, do they?

Khottabych!

You're back! -I came back because I forgot my hat.

What hat? You don't have a hat. -I have a hat or don't... How is that important? What are you talking about a hat anyways?

Actually I first wanted to fly here with a dragon and make him spit fire on those warriors.

But then I thought, why should I do that. -And, how is the country of the djinnis?

Country of djinnis... There is no such country! -How, there is none?

Easy. It's just a fairytale, for little children. I myself thought of it. A country in which you can be free and don't have to fulfill wishes.

But such a country doesn't exist. -Where did you go to then?

Nowhere. Far away from the world of humans. -And how do you want to stay here now? How about Shaitan?

What should he do with a normal human? -But you are no human, you are a djinni.

Yes, a djinn. But there is a possibility to solve this problem. For that I have to unite myself.

Usually those stories end here. A wizard becomes a human... But in this story, the most interesting part still lies ahead.

Because on the first look, Khottabych was genius. But on the second... this was a very stupid plan.

Hey? What the heck are you doing in there?

So, that was it. I stopped being a djinni. I'm a normal human now. Almost.

Take care, can. I always hated you.

I'll buy me a little house... and live there with my kittie. We'll sit at the beach and listen how the alarm system sings.

It cannot be true, that he flew away.

I have good news. I found the can.

The apartment is ready to seduce. -Thanks, you really saved me.

Damn, everything just synthetic. Pal, do you have something to eat from cotton? -Who is here?

Don't you recognize me? It's me, moth. I ate the flying carpet.

What do you want of me? Shall I buy you a coat? -A coat? A coat? That would be really cool!

It's ok, you'll get a coat.

But that's only a moth? -Moths are creatures too.

Also, I promised him to buy him a coat. -You promised a coat to a moth?

You're so nice.

Djinn. Come here right away. -Help! Help me! Oy... I'm being sucked into the can...

Did you see that? Do you think if you rub this thing I'll fulfill your wishes? Up yours!

I'm no djinn anymore. And you, stupid shadow, don't do that nonsense.

There are no rabbits here and no mushrooms.

I'm not stupid, I'm an actress!

Shut up! Never, never you will be an actress!

So you're a normal mortal now. Alright.

Do you still know what happens to mortals? -What?

They die.

"Hello my dearest."

"I'm happy to see you."

See, she's here and happy to see me.

Khottabych, wait, I have to check something.

"You are a stupid goat."

"Hallo, Gena."

What do you do? I'd hit you for that!

Wait for what she answers!

"I'm happy to see you."

"Piss off, you stupid bot."

"It's so interesting with you."

What does all of this mean? -She's a robot. A machine. A program.

But she talks with me. -There are a lot of these robots in chats. They entertain the guests.

And what is a robot? -There are a lot of robots. They can look like humans.. or not.

There are programs, they can look like this, or that.

But what does she look like?

Like that.

What is that? -Program code.

That's her without clothes. -Her naked? Oh god!

I know you have problems. And I know how to save them.

So she's like that with everyone.

Who? -The kittie. The prostitute.

Don't worry. If you want, I can program you a whole harem of those.

If you only could send me to her, into the internet. I'd talk to her from eye to eye.

Old idiot, the internet. There's nothing to eat there.

Khottabych, understand... The internet, it isn't a country or a city, it's just information.

Do you still know how I told you I'm a wise man and I know the secrets of nature?

Yes, I still know it. The earth has the form of a sphere. Thank you for telling me.

I will tell you another secret. In every cell of a body the soul is mirrored.

Where? -In the genetic code.

Yes. If you can hack this code, you can even bring me into the body of this kittie.

But, to send me to the internet, you need a part of me.

Wait. First of all, one single cell suffices, and second: it isn't real.

You, you can't even hack the genetic code. What kind of hacker you are. I want to be alone now.

Why did I become a human anyways? Humans are the most unhappy creatures. They walk around and need something all the time.

They are slaves of their wishes. I was a slave of my can, now I am a slave of my body.

Hey, are you Khottabych?

Yes, so what?

Did you... shoot me or what?

I didn't push anything, it shot itself, I swear!

Brother, I congratulate.

And what happens to Djinnis when they become mortals? -What?

Did you forget it? I'll remind you. When they die, they come back into their can.

Never, never will you be free.

Soon I will have all djinnis together. Then there will be the global apocalypse.

Fly to the roof! Khottabych was trapped in the can again!

Check the cupboard. Maybe there are some more of them in there.

Bring Khottabych back. -How?

Do you still remember what he told you about the genetic code? -If at least something stayed over...

A cell, or a hair. -Gena. I still don't know. What do you have to do with it so a miracle happens?

So, again. We need the genetic code of Khottabych, transform it into binary, draw integrals and logarithmize them.

Everything very easy. -And you call that easy?

To get the information from the DNS, you need money.

Look here, you never saw so much money in your whole life. -That you call a lot?

Let's make a little pocket money out of this.

I know what we do. Here, credit card numbers. We'll steal from some Americans.

Wait, we don't have to steal from anybody. Here.

Do you know how much this will cost?

Do you want to export antique things? -It is of no value.

Understood.

Do you know what this is? -What?

This is papyrus. Was used in old egypt, as a replacement for paper. And the special signs nobody knows.

Why should you have to know them? Look here.

Hey! Don't distract!

Would you like to drink something? Coffee or tea?

You will never marry, never! -What?

Tea without sugar, please.

Djinnis, appear and fulfill my wishes!

Numbers over numbers...

It doesn't work.

The computer crashed.

Daddy? Mummy? Everything worked!

The 13th. Come out at once!

And? Who is the old idiot and who mucked whom about?

Only you can get him now. -You are right.

You shall stay in there.

Kill him with the grenade!

Too early... too early... Exactly now!

Never.

Never...

You lost. My teacher was a big gamer.

"For my teacher"

Yes, I cannot kill. In this world you can only be a file. I will just delete you.

"It is so interesting with you."

Can I take a closer look at you?

What do you look like that? Don't you recognize me?

Alright. We'll see each other. Don't forget the tits.

Use a condom if you don't want her to lay her eggs!

Alright, alright. Do you think it's interesting to see you make out?

You giant wingless creatures.

I couldn't help Khottabych to find the country of Djinnis. Because there is no country of Djinnis.

But there's the internet. The internet isn't bad either, I think. You also don't have to fulfill wishes

and you can do nonsense without end.

So, if you are on the internet and weird things happen with your computer, Khottabych is probably involved in it.

"Kittie, even though you're stupid, I love you."

"It's so interesting with you."

"I never met a person like you."

Listen, pal, you promised me a winter coat. -Forget it, moth.

We don't have any money anymore. We don't even have enough for a scarf.

For what you did you'll get a nobel prize, I'm sure. And that means lots of money.

Stop it, nobody will give us anything. -Somebody will give something.

Shaitan is dead, so all wishes will come true. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

It would be really cool if we got the nobel prize.

We get lots of money... will live happily... until we don't die.

Cool, he?

"Vendor of the month"

Well, imagine, there's no Shaitan anymore. And all the things humans dream of are becoming true.

"Where can I download the Kamasutra? Direct links, important!"

"Today show: "Flying glas""

So, and now, dear children...

I will tell you a very funny fairytale.