Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

This was a mistake. Shut up! Pardon?

HORN HONKS

Ooh!

You're mad.

Wow.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you.

I'm Greg Davies, and welcome to Taskmaster.

It's episode six, and, unlike any of the meals my mother served me

throughout my childhood, things are really hotting up.

They've proved themselves to be resilient, clever, and,

unlike any of the food fed to me up until the age of 18,

they have just the right amount of spice.

Even some salt would've helped, for God's sake, old woman.

Put some salt in! It tastes of nothing!

Sorry. Please welcome,

Fatiha El-Ghorri,

Jason Mantzoukas,

Mathew Baynton,

Rosie Ramsey,

and Stevie Martin.

And next to me, a man who told me privately

that for him, sex is like Christmas,

once a year and involves the death of a turkey.

It's little Alex Horne!

Hello.

You all right? Yes, I'm feeling pretty good cos I...

..I sometimes find this quite stressful the show. Yeah.

Now what I've done to help me relax,

I've got myself a brand-new sex bot.

So, um, the idea is, I go back to the room after the show...

..get it going and that should just... Get it going?

..sort of relieve the tension. OK.

I've gotta say, I am genuinely surprised,

cos he doesn't like talking about private things normally.

What do you mean?

You know anything, anything sexual.

I...I, sorry, I got a brand-new box set.

Got a brand-new box set, it's Happy Feet and March Of The Penguins.

So I'm really looking forward to that.

Calm the nerves so, um...

That's it, it was a box set, sex bot.

That's the whole bit? That's the whole...

Keep it moving, keep it snappy, let's go.

Right, let's go. What's the prize task category please, Alex?

The category is, "The thing that is nicest to open."

Greg's fly.

Jesus, mate. I'm sorry. I realise... What's happened to you?

I know that sounded like I was saying

Greg's fly is the nicest thing to open. What I meant is Greg is fly,

he's stylish, he's cool.

And I wonder what everyone's brought in, let's find out.

Sweet save.

Rosie Ramsey. Hello. What have you brought me?

I have brought something that I adore,

and every time I open it, I just feel happy. Oh, hello. OK.

A jar of gherkins. AUDIENCE GROANS

So you genuinely love gherkins? Love gherkins!

And I do love opening a jar like, without having to ask my husband.

Oh. Ooh.

I went on a date with a woman that was much stronger than me once.

Did you? And I didn't mind it.

You're welcome, honey.

Mathew, what have you brought us?

A pop-up book, but not just any pop-up book,

- a Taskmaster pop-up book. - Ooh!

Here it is, there's your first open.

There's your second. Hang on. Where's Alex?

There he is!

Is that the only spread? No, it's not.

Where's Alex? Is he behind the door again?

No! Where could he be?

There he is.

Is that the last spread? No, there's one more.

You can help me with this, Greg.

It's little Alex Horne.

Wow. Wow.

Great.

Um, it's incredible. It's lovely, Mathew. Uh, Stevie.

Um, so this is, um, something that has been in my house for,

well, it must be since February when we moved.

And sometimes, I can't open jars.

And I haven't been able to open it. I've just been buying other peppers

because I can't, I honestly can't open it and, uh,

what's nicest to open is when someone goes,

"Oh, can you get that?" And if you can open it,

that'll feel really nice, for you.

I am tempted to...I'm tempted to call Rosie out on her power.

I'm a bit sweaty. Have you genuinely tried to open it?

This, uh, yeah really, really, it's been six,

uh, since February...oh, fuck.

Strong guy. Sounded nice.

Did that feel nice?

Smells nice. Sh.

What? One point?

I didn't realise this was a jar-based task.

Nor did I. OK, uh, Jason.

All right, this is something that makes me happy when I open it,

because it's something that is, that was mine.

Here let's, uh, let's see, get it here.

Aha! Right. It's a dog.

Except, actually, hold on, it's like an,

uh, can you open it, it's actually...

Yes. Yeah. Second photo, here we go.

Sorry, it's my dead dog's ashes.

So...so that's my dog, Turkey,

and there is the urn with Turkey's ashes and that's...

Hang on, isn't that a kind of a jar?

Yeah!

Gotta be the worst jar, that's got a dead dog in it.

The point is that,

that when he opens the box and he sees those ashes, I imagine,

it brings back so many happy memories.

For me, it's nice because I get to visit with Turkey again.

Do you have happy memories of frolicking through woodland

with your peppers?

OK Fatiha, what you brought?

OK, so the thing that I've brought is very relaxing to take off.

Off? Off. Oh. Yeah, you...

..I don't think... you haven't done it in a while,

but you will do it more once we're married.

This is what you open to take off.

It's nice for me to open, cos it's relaxing,

and it's nice for you to open, cos it's going to blow your mind.

I've got to be honest, I am starting to feel hunted.

You'll have to decide now, what is the least-nice thing to open?

Both jar-ladies are taking the bottom slots. Yes.

But, without question. Fine.

Now, whistle Stevie aboard for one point.

And then, we'll give pickle-girl two points,

and she can thank me for them.

Right, so one to Stevie, two for Rosie.

OK, now, I can't do it, I can't... I can't put a bra above the sweet,

sweet memories of a dog.

I can put a pop-up book above it.

So, what are we saying, Greg? Three, four, five.

Mathew Baynton... Done! ..five points.

Right, do you have an incredibly irritating task to get us started?

Mmm, 67.

FATIHA LAUGHS

Hello. Oh, my God. What's it with the hat business?

Have you got a fetish or something?

Hello, Rosie.

Hello.

You OK? Yeah.

"Work out what Alex has on the very top of his head.

"The very top of your head

"must never be more than five foot six inches from the ground."

How tall are you, Rosie? I'm five foot one.

You're fine. So I'll be all right, won't I?

"You may ask Alex yes or no questions.

"But Alex will only answer using his exciting new numbers system.

"Fastest wins.

"Your time starts now."

Is it made of plastic?

Five.

Right.

Is it fruit? 54.

This is awful.

It's very exciting.

What did you say, Fatiha? I wrote something you said.

"What sort of fetish are you into?"

I'm only just realising how often you make things sexual.

I'm a sexual woman.

As is your right.

OK, who are we going to see first?

Yes, well, let's see if they can find out

what I had inside my head bowl. Let's start with Rosie Ramsey,

Stevie and Martin.

Is your name Alex Horne?

Seven.

Is my name Stevie Martin?

53.

Oh, yeah, so, have I actually...

Oh, is my name Colonel Begonia?

62.

OK so, no is even, yes is odd.

68.

Your head is too high.

OK.

I don't understand the numbers system at all. Right.

Is it something to do with bingo?

Bingo? Yeah. 99.

Is it a duck?

Uh, 15. STEVIE SIGHS

What are you doing?

You've just gotta work out what's on the very top of my head.

I think it's just a hat.

Oh, is that a periscope? No.

That's not real, is it?

Is that real? Keep your head low.

Is that a periscope?

Oh, my God, I'm smashing it.

Yeah, I mean, I can see you, but I can't see what's in your hat.

Wait.

Oh! Behind...behind Greg.

What, this? This Greg?

Oh! There's mirrors in it.

Can I get something to knock your hat off?

83.

Oh, my God, it's a grabber.

I'm going to protect my eyes. OK.

Ooh, jazzy.

I don't know what to do with it.

That's done nothing.

You've found my weakness, and it's pipes. Argh!

Got it. Oh!

It's a carrot. I've stopped the clock.

Yay! I would never, ever, ever have got that.

You did get it.

Try and knock it off.

Oh.

Sorry, Alex. It's all right. It's a carrot!

I've stopped the clock.

I've never seen someone using a periscope like that before.

Bet you loved this task didn't you? No. Submarines?

Whistle me aboard, Captain.

Just to be clear, at no point did you try

and use the periscope as a periscope?

I've never used one before, I get my shipmates to do it.

Uh, Rosie, absolutely no attempt at breaking the code whatsoever.

No, no, I didn't even bother.

The only question you asked was, "Is this bingo?"

She was pretty swift before she went and got the grabber.

Absolutely, both of them.

Stevie, six minutes, 53, got the carrot. Wow.

Rosie, six minutes, 35. Wow. Both quick.

Yeah, well done.

OK, who is next? We're going to leave Jason until the end

and, boy, oh, boy does he know why.

So, for now, here's Mathew and Fathew, here we go.

Are you a man? 13.

Are you a woman? 12.

OK, I think I've got it.

Is it a banana? Ten.

Is it a strawberry? Eight. Cherry? 40.

14? 40. Yeah, what?

40. One, four? OK.

I don't know what this number business is. No. OK.

I was going to try and make it unsafe and then you'd have to come down.

Oh, I see.

There's, like, sanitary towels in these shoes, are you mad?

12. What are you going to do with the shoes?

Throw them at you.

No, these are heavy, I can't do that.

OK.

Be...behind Greg.

You going to do the pole vault?

Stay there, don't move.

Yeah, well, you, you stay low. I won't hurt you, I promise.

Right, well we've reached the point now where I'm looking at it

and I don't know what it is.

Stay there.

I bet you've super-glued it on, cos you're a twat, bruv.

See, it doesn't even move. I'm scared to hurt...Ah, oh, here we go.

It's a carrot. I've stopped the clock.

What is on the top of my head? Something orange.

Orange is on the top of your head. Orange, man.

You must be more specific.

Orange plastic or rubber.

More specific. Jesus Christ.

Right, let go.

MAT STRAINS Ah, there it is.

Stop moving, it's a carrot.

89.

What I found interesting is, that when the idea of shoes being thrown

at Alex to try and dislodge his head fence... Mm-hm.

..I would've bet my life that Fatiha would've been

the one to actually throw the shoes.

Cos suddenly... Quite, quite the twist, yeah.

..suddenly this monster appeared.

You got the carrot, you whacked his hat off with a snooker cue.

Yeah, and actually quicker, 13 minutes 20 for Fatiha,

14 minutes 20 for Mat. There we go.

Right, well that's the end of part one. See you back here soon.

Hello, and welcome back to the start of part two.

Yes, now, before the break, they were trying to figure out

what was on top of my head.

I could only answer questions using my exciting new number system.

Finally, it's Jason's turn.

He's called me lots of things this series,

jerk-off...asshole, so here is some retribution.

Is it produce? 31.

Is it grapes? Is it a banana? Sprouts? Grapefruit? Lettuce?

28. 60. 25. JASON GROANS

Is it a lemon? four.

Is it a lime? 14. Good lord. Is it a pomegranate? 15.

Grapes? 16. Is it a shoe? Is it a small house? Is it dirt? 30.

Is it a lemon? 34.

Is it a lemon? 35. Is it lemons? 36. Alex, is it a lemon? 38.

Let's see, this...this is just absurd.

I'm ready to be here for the long run.

This is going to be one of those ones where you're like,

"Shockingly, Jason was doing this for 33 minutes." Urgh.

Is it corn? 93. Is it a pear? 14.

Green? 60.

Boy, this numbers thing, I'm not good with this.

No. Well, sorry... What do you mean, "No"? 84, 84.

This is madness. What's on the very top of my head Jason?

I don't know anything more than I did at the...

..the minute I stopped reading this god forsaken task. Right.

Ah! OK. All right, then I guess I'll move around.

Yeah, that's right, everybody, get the cameras, let's go.

Is it a seagull? 60.

Is it one of these gargoyles? four.

Nah. AUDIENCE GROANS

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Ah! Fine.

HE SIGHS

No, see this is not working. Uh, uh. This isn't what I want it to do.

It looked pretty close there.

Yeah, no, I know. Yeah, OK.

I'm not fucking idiot, Alex, I know that I've found the thing.

OK, now that can't... That's so difficult.

Oh, boy, this is very difficult.

Sorry Alex.

Man, what?! HE LAUGHS

Let me try this again. Ha-ha.

Oh, is it green?

A little bit, I mean, three.

Now, it's right there. Yeah. But what the hell is it?

I can't make out what the hell that is at all. Is it a carrot? Three.

Or two or five or seven.

Oh, oh, did I guess it?

You've completed the task.

Oh, great, that's what I thought. Do you feel good?

No! No! Let me be clear, Alex, I do not feel good.

Well, thank you, Jason. All right.

Might it be the longest time anyone's ever taken?

It's gotta be up there. It was one hour, 40.

What? No! One hour, 40 minutes, I did this.

These two have both done it in just under seven minutes.

Somehow, I had it in my mind I had to crack the code.

He asked 233 questions.

How many of them were, "Is it a lemon?"

Do you want to give me a number between one and 233?

We'll find out some of the questions. Sure, 154.

Well, that was quite a long one. "What if I hopped the fence

"and went into the golf course and you never saw me again?"

We had, "Is it suffering? Is it Jesus Christ?

"Is this good television? Is it human teeth?" There were so many.

Come on then, you nerd, what's the system?

Very simple, it's, no is a composite number, yes is a prime number.

Oh, I hate you even more, cos I would never have figured that out.

No, we saw that.

OK, what are the scores?

Yes, well, Jason, with his 100 minutes, gets one point.

Mat was 14 minutes, two points. Fatiha 30 minutes, three points.

Stevie, just slower than Rosie, so you get four points

but Rosie Ramsey gets the full five points.

Right, what are the scores Alex?

It's very, very close. Two points separating all five of them.

Joint winners so far, Mat and Rosie on seven points. Ooh.

All right, I think we need a team task.

Ooh, I do too, and aren't they all just one big happy family. Ha-ha-ha.

Mathew. Alex.

Rosie. Alex.

Fatiha. Horne.

Great news. Oh, yeah. We've come up with a team name.

Oh, that is good news.

I've forgotten it, so you have to say it. JB Martzoukas.

That, was it. Hello, JB Martzoukas. Thank you. Hello, Alex.

There's a task for you there and a little camera. Oh, yeah. OK.

"Make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others

"then capture your relationship with a classic family home video moment.

"Most believable family wins. You have 30 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

This is fantastic. Oh, let me be the mum cos yous two are parents,

I'm not, so let me be the parent, is that all right?

Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah.

Do you think? OK.

What are those classic...?

Ooh, like you teaching me how to...like potty training.

I'm dangling you over a... Like you holding me... and you're pissing.

..over the toilet and I'm, well, pissing and pooping.

Can I...? Oh, do we have laxatives, Alex?

Oh, we've got, we've gotta do a play.

A play? Or like a, put a musical on or not, uh, just, you know,

when kids do like a show. Right.

Buying an ice cream, teaching you how to ball. Playing in traffic.

Can we play in traffic? Playing in traffic. No, no. OK.

22 minutes. Oh, God, right, OK. So, let's go.

All right, let's go, let's go.

Just read me the task again.

Make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others

and capture your relationship with a classic family home video moment.

And Jason's suggestion was playing in traffic.

You guys don't do that? Oh, your country's so boring.

Well, we're going to start with the team of two.

And this one is actually far from ideal for me.

No bring, bring the camera up Denise, bring it up Denise

Right, have you got that? Yeah.

Have you got it? You got it? Are you filming it?

I'm scared, Daddy, I'm scared.

You'll be fine, love, I promise. I can't do it, I can't do it.

Oh, you can, I've got you, I've got you, look, I've got you.

Daddy's got you. Ah! Daddy, please don't let go. Don't let go, Daddy.

Denise, are you getting? Are you getting it? Oh, don't let go.

Are you getting this, Denise? SQUEALING AND SHOUTING

Go! I did it, I did it!

No hands love, no hands. You did it.

Who's that man? What man?

Who's that man there?

Daddy, who's that man?

Oh, my God, it's a pervert. What? Oh.

I like the hairy girl.

What?! Get out of here, get out of here now.

Get him, Daddy, get him.

Get him!

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

SCREAMING

Can I, can I just say something? That when we ran out,

we all ran out into, like, the rush hour traffic

Into the traffic. Waah!

God.

With insane energy straight into people, like,

at a stop sign, like... They were literally like there.

And you were like, "Oh, this is the old days."

Ah. I feel like I'm back at home

and I'm a kid running around the streets, baby.

OK, I sort of bought it, you know,

the touching moment of the hairy girl being taught to ride a bike.

I'm just intrigued by, given the title Classic Family Video,

of bringing the pervert into it.

Well, it's in the '80s, you know. Yeah. It was a different time.

Yeah. So, it was meant to be like an accidental snapshot into,

sexual politics, um, of the decade.

Classic. Yeah.

OK, it's time for us to stop again.

When you return you'll see an entirely different family

but Alex will still be a pervert.

Let me tell you the book I'm going to write one day.

We'll see you in a bit.

Thank you.

Thank you, welcome back to Taskmaster,

where I'm looking forward to seeing the next team attempt.

Now, we're after a classic family home video moment.

Most believable family wins.

So now it's Daddy Mat with his little girls Fatiha and Rosie.

Merry Christmas everybody.

Christmas morning.

The presents are out.

Let's call the girls.

Girls!

Father Christmas has been.

He's been? Yes. Merry Christmas, Daddy. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Patty.

Now, girls, Patty, in particular,

remember what happened last year with the presents.

I know that sometimes you can get a little bit jealous.

And I just wanted to say that I've thought very carefully

about these presents

and I thought, as much as I could,

about things that you would really like. OK?

Daddy doesn't have any favourites Patty, do I, Hatty?

No, Daddy. No. So, are you ready?

Open your presents.

What have you got there?

Oh. Oh, look. Oh.

Look, Hatty, you've got some string and Patty you've got a scooter.

Do you like your present Patty?

You OK, Patty?

Oh, Patty, do you... not again Patty.

Do you want the string, Patty?

Oh, Hatty. That's such good sharing.

Are you offering Patty your present?

Yeah, Patty do you want my present? Is that what you want Patty?

I'm sorry, Hatty, that means you have to have the scooter.

Oh, no.

I know you wanted the scooter. I did. You're my favourite, Hatty.

All right, well, here's a question I never thought I'd ask on television.

What's with all the hairy women?

We needed to... Family resemblance. Yeah.

So, we needed to look like him. Well, that's the obvious, yeah,

so obviously the girls should be bearded.

Well, I assume it's cos he's a single father. So they're just his.

Greg, it's most believable family wins. So, that's the...

Yeah, well, obviously it was the horrible jealous daughter

being manipulated by the admittedly creepy father.

Right. It's slightly more...

So, we're giving five points to the team of three.

OK, how many points for the team of two?

Four points. There we go, four points and five points.

What's next then?

Well, I do think it's time for some comeuppance.

Wow, Mathew Baynton.

Wow, Alex Horne.

Please... Ooh. ..have a seat at the desk.

Graduation. Congratulations.

Did you graduate college?

Yeah. What school? Cambridge University.

What degree? Latin and Greek. OK.

You were like, "Oh, whatever it is, it's gotta be obsolete.

"Oh, I'd love to, I'd love to go to Cambridge

"and major in obsolescence."

"Teach the Taskmaster's assistant a lesson he'll never forget."

Ooh, la-la.

"Most memorable lesson wins.

"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."

From what I know about how memory works,

basically, if something's a little bit...

..traumatic, it sticks in your mind.

Tell me a fact, like one of your favourite facts.

Just want to to get your levels.

You get dogs in all different colours.

That's terrible.

No?

Do you remember in the olden days, when it used

to snow like up to your waist, do you remember?

Yeah. So, what, it was winter, like it was snowing,

and then these boys come and play "Knock down ginger".

And my dad chased them barefoot in his boxers, cos my dad's an animal.

And that is the lesson, my dad is an animal.

Right. That's the lesson. Was that the lesson? Yeah.

It's not necessarily being etched... Is that not...? ..into my brain.

Can I go think? You're just like all my old teachers.

Yeah, am I? Sexy.

No? OK, awkward.

I'm excited to see Mathew deal with his minor childhood traumas,

and I'm very excited about learning more about how much

of an underwear-wearing animal Fatiha's dad is.

I hope that features.

Well, let's see. We're going to start with

two lessons from Rosie and Mat.

Open the hatch.

Trou' down.

Do you mean trousers? Yes, please.

Down to your ankles, please. Yeah, yeah, they're going.

Thank you so much. They're down.

Are you ready for your lesson on memory?

When you get something wrong...

SIREN BLARES ..that will happen.

Right. And that means you must dunk your head...

into the bin of water. We shall if that jogs your memory. OK.

Toilet roll. The cheeks parted. Wipe until clean.

What is the first step of creating a memory called?

Perception.

SIREN BLARES

Deeper!

It's called encoding, Horne. What's it called? Encoding.

SIREN BLARES

Down you go. Is it not called...?

Correct, it's called encoding. Good.

Part the cheeks. Part the cheeks, wipe until clean.

Don't look, you disgusting little boy. Put it in the bin.

What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?

Hippocampus. SIREN BLARES

Down you go, Horne.

Do you hate yourself yet? Is it clean? Is it not clean.

SIREN BLARES

Well done, Horne, it is the hippocampus. Was it? Oh, good.

Oh, you are rotten to the core, aren't you? Oh, my God.

What is the first step of creating a memory called? Encoding.

What part of the brain do the sensations travel to? Hippocampus.

Very good, you may celebrate with a long dunk.

SIREN BLARES

Yeah, I, um....

Mathew was this monster based on someone from your life? Tell me no.

The idea was not about reliving my childhood trauma,

it was the theory that traumatic events, mildly traumatic events...

Yes. ..stay in the brain.

So that would be a lesson he wouldn't forget.

But I would argue

that perhaps we have a different understanding of the phrase

mildly traumatic.

Icy water. There was ice in the water wasn't there, Mat?

Little bit.

Did you feel like you were better equipped

to wipe your own backside after Rosie's onslaught?

I was confused.

I'm sorry, Rosie, but you were sending mixed messages.

"Don't look at it" and then you wiped it on my face at the end.

I just got carried away.

The thing is growing up in this country we all know

a teacher who's not that far from those psychopaths

So, good. I enjoyed them both.

OK. Want to see more?

Yes. OK, yet more dignity for me now

with lessons from Fatiha and Stevie. Oh, God.

I'm going to teach you a fact.

The reason you'll never forget it

is I'm going to ask you to write it out 50 times.

That's cool, OK.

You go over this side and you go like that.

You need to do your hands. OK.

Yeah? Yeah. But you're not just stepping. I am.

The facts I'd like you to write down...not there.

I'd like you to write it on your person.

On my body? That would be your person, wouldn't it?

Some people would take person as a euphemism for...

Sorry, you call your penis your little person?

Some people do. Surely you call it your little Alex Horne. I don't.

Would you like a pen? Yes. OK.

Gotta be like a snake.

Pretend you're a snake.

That is not a snake. Oh, it's not bad.

"Shrimp's heart is located"... In.

Oh, I put "on".

Just going to shake your top. No, just your top.

Not your hips.

11. Right, I'm out of room there.

Yeah? I'll give you some privacy.

Still, still, still, still. Go, go.

You've gotta move not just your hands. I can't.

You look like when you fry chips. You do it again.

I haven't got those things.

You don't need those things to do it.

I hate to alarm you

but you probably will have to take your trousers off.

Obviously, I've checked, it's fine.

Stay still here, go on.

That's it.

We're on 42. Yeah?

This is 46.

Do whales have legs in their stomachs?

That's it now you're fully fledged Moroccan dancer.

OK then. Yalla, you ready? Yalla, I'm ready. Yalla, Wahid.

COUNTS IN MOROCCAN ARABIC

Right leg, good.

Hip, yay! Whoa!

Whoa!

Smashed it, bruv.

"Shrimp's head." Is it a shrimp's head? Oh, no, is it heart?

Yeah, course it is. I forgot on the last one.

Can you repeat the fact to me now?

A shrimp's heart is located in its head.

Congratulations. You've learnt your lesson. Get cleaned up.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Well, is the shrimp fact true?

Yeah. Absolutely true. And the whale fact?

Yes, so... They've got legs in their stomach?

No, so, when they've evolved they used to have legs.

So if I cut a whale up there'd be a big leg in there.

No, it's not like a human's leg.

Just like a nub of, a nub of a bone

that is still there from when they used to be mammals.

I just like the idea there's one big leg and they were bouncing around.

I like that idea as well. I didn't think about the residual element,

I thought it had a...In my head it's got a boot on it.

But I know it doesn't, but, yeah.

Fatiha, I found watching you teach him genuinely quite sweet.

And I thought the result was actually quite good.

ROSIE AND STEVIE GASP

And it worked. You were encouraging and I wanted to please you.

Oh, did you? Oh, easy now, don't ruin it.

Break time.

When we return we'll finally find out who's going home with a bra,

a dead dog's ashes and a jar of gherkins -

or, as my uncle used to call it, foreplay.

Hello, again. Part four is it then? Yes, it is Greg, keep up mate.

The contestants are all teaching me lessons -

for example, I now know how to wipe myself and belly dance.

Time for my final lesson now

and it's with Hollywood hotshot Jason Mantzoukas.

It occurs to me that you need to be a little bit more assertive.

But first I need to see you

a little bit in your natural environment. Let's go.

Yeah, let's do it. All right.

Jenny. Here's your tea, Alex.

Ooh. That's so nice of you, thank you. You're welcome.

That's amazing. Thanks. Hmm. Bye-bye.

Hello, Alex. Hi, Becky.

We're doing sandwiches for lunch today what would you like?

Sandwiches, anything at all, honestly whatever's easiest for you.

Thank you. Thank you. Mm-hm.

Oh. Hi, Alex. Amy, this looks amazing. Oh, thanks.

That is so, it's just right, that's perfect, thank you.

How you feeling? It's been a tough time, to be honest.

Yeah. Yeah, the scan's came back,

the doctor said they were inconclusive. Oh, not inconclusive.

Yeah, I'm just so grateful to be here. Look, whatever it takes.

Honestly, you're such a crucial part of the team. Oh. Thank you.

OK. I think I've seen everything I need to see. Let's go.

OK, that was terrible. Really? I didn't like that at all.

I thought it was good.

What you understand is that these people work for you,

so you should be polite to them? Wrong.

It doesn't matter how you treat them.

They are things.

You only focus on what matters to you. Me. Alex Horne.

Number one. Everyone else... The things. ..who the fuck cares.

Yeah. These are tools... Urgh. ..in your tool box

to make this glorious show. Let's do this.

Here's your tea, Alex. Thing. Yeah.

Yes.

It's the wrong shade.

What would you like for lunch today? I want goose. And jelly.

Urgh, what's this? That looks absolutely stupid.

What the frick is this?

Frick? Hey, hey what are you doing? What?

You're a bad boy, you're Alex Horne. What the fuck is this?

Yes, yes.

Yeah? Yes. Ah! Shit.

I'm so sorry, Alex. Tell you what, you're fired. Ooh.

You're never here anyway, you're always going to the hospital.

Go. Yeah. Quicker! Quicker! Let's get her.

You're a pain in the ass.

A pain right in my...what is this? What is this?

Who are you? Off you go. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. You forgot your bag.

That was great. Fuck you.

Oh, the student has become the master. Bye-bye.

I am a bit shocked by how well you took that on.

Yeah, I mean I've learnt a lesson, looking at that,

it's not ideal. It's not ideal.

But you do feel a lot of those things in private, I know.

Whenever we're in a... It did take quite a bit to get him there.

From frick to fuck was a huge transition.

Yeah. From Frick To Fuck, that's your autobiography title sorted.

But I do want to apologise to the members of the team.

Don't ruin it now, they're things. He told you.

They're tools in the tool box.

But... Hmm. ..who was the best tutor?

Yeah, I'd say Jason leading me by the hand

and shouting in my face worked a bit. A bit?

But it was the warmth of Fatiha that I responded to most.

Wow. Fatiha you're about to get five points for being nice.

Oh, shut up. Really?

This is going to fuck your brand.

So, Fatiha gets five points for being nice.

Jason gets four points for coercing a monster from you.

So, shrimp or poo or cruelty?

They were all much of a muchness if I'm completely honest.

Three points each? OK, yeah, fair enough. Thank you.

Hey, shall we take a peek at those scores?

Yes, well, the series scores are in,

and there's two people in the 90s - Rosie's on 90,

Mat on 99, the series leader at the moment. Oo-ee.

But in this episode, she's just so lovely.

She's in the lead with 16 points, it's Fatiha El-Ghorri.

So sweet, so kind, so in the lead.

OK, it's time, please, head to the stage

for the final task of the show!

Hello, honey pie.

I like the hairy girl.

Who's going to read the task out?

Uh, Jason today, please.

JASON CLEARS HIS THROAT

"Don't blow the last thing off the table.

"If you don't blow anything off the table you are eliminated.

"If you do blow the last thing off the table you are eliminated.

"You must stay on the spot

"and you must not touch the table. Last player standing wins."

Yes, so there'll be four rounds of this.

In each round there'll be a different lot of things

on that table there.

One at a time you'll come to the spot.

Something has to fall off the table but if everything goes you're out.

And, ultimately, if there's only one thing left that person's out.

That is checkmate. Prepare the table.

I knew it, I knew it. It's feathers.

It's feathers. I knew it, I knew it.

So at least one feather must leave.

We'll go from right to left, we're starting with Stevie.

Watch me fuck this up so bad.

That's the sort of confidence you get in the Navy.

OK. One blow please.

Yeah...Yeah, all right.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Just.

Bloody hell it was touch-and-go, though, wasn't it?

No. I knew what I was doing. I was building tension.

Rosie's up next.

Lovely. Absolutely lovely.

Mathew's turn.

Oh!

That was bold.

Up he comes, Jason Mantzoukas.

Oh.

Good luck, Fatiha.

Wow. Yeah. Ooh . Nice. Ooh. Oh, wow.

That was good. Not a lot left up there. Not a lot left. Wow.

Yeah. Ooh.

Oh!

Oh, wow! I'm just going to inspect the...

Oh, easy there's two there. Is there more than one? There's two there.

We've lost Mat Baynton. Well done.

Unlucky, unlucky.

OK, round two.

Little pictures of...of Greg.

OK, blow me Jason.

Happily, my friend.

OK.

Lovely.

One went, one went.

Yes. Yes!

Oh, fuck! AUDIENCE GROANS

I'm done, I get it, I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to.

The arrogance of someone trying a double blow in this competition.

Round three.

Ah.

Lovely. Really nice.

Lovely.

Nice.

Yeah, one at a time, why not? Why not?

We're up in the professional league now.

That'll do.

Tricky now, very tricky.

That was tactical play, lovely.

Yeah.

We've lost Rosie Ramsey.

Here we go, final round.

Oh.

Can I speak for all of us and say I can't believe this is watchable?

And yet everyone riveted.

Ooh.

Here we go, here we go.

You can see why they're in the final.

Ooh, it's nearly two breaths. That wasn't nearly two breaths.

Well, it was one.

Oh, I hate you so much.

Ooh. Now, we're interested.

Now we're playing, now we're playing with power.

Ooh. He's left it open though, he's left it open.

Oh! No! Problems, problems.

That's problems for Fatiha right. Yeah, it feels like it.

It's game over.

In second place, Fatiha El-Ghorri. And the winner is Jason Mantzoukas.

Come down and join me we'll add that to the final scores.

Well, well, well. Yes, like a lot of things in this show

surprisingly watchable. Really good.

Hmm, Mat unfortunately out first gets the one point, two to Stevie,

three to Rosie then it was between Fatiha and Jason at the end.

Four to Fatiha, Jason won it,

gets the five points so well done, Jason Mantzoukas.

But how does it affect the overall scores, Greg? I don't know.

You won't believe it, they've now all got even-numbered scores.

I love it. Stevie you're at the bottom with 14, at the other end,

with 20 points, for the first time, it's Fatiha! Yes!

Fatiha El-Ghorri wins!

Please close the show by opening your things that are nice to open.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media