Original subtitles

(gentle piano music)

♫ Lovers come and lovers go

♫ Lovers fight and sing fortissimo

♫ Give these handsome boys a hand

♫ Welcome to Falsettoland ♫ Everything will be all right

♫ Be all right for the rest of your life

♫ Be all right for the rest of your life

♫ Be all right for the rest of your life

♫ Be all right, be all right for the rest of your life

♫ Be all right for the rest of your life

♫ Be all right for the rest of your life

♫ Everything will be all right

(audience applauds)

- Oy!

(all talking at once)

♫ Four Jews in a room bitching

♫ Four Jews in a room plot a crime

♫ I'm bitching, he's bitching

♫ They're bitching, we're bitching

♫ Bitch bitch bitch bitch

♫ Funny funny funny funny

♫ Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

♫ All the time

♫ Oooh ♫ Whadda they do for love

♫ Oooh ♫ Whadda they do for love

♫ Four Jews in a room bitching bitching bitching bitching

♫ Four Jews in a room stoop

♫ They stoop to pray

- I'm Jewish.

- I'm Jewish. - I'm Jewish.

- Half Jewish.

♫ Bitch bitch bitch bitch

♫ Funny funny funny funny

♫ Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

♫ Night and day.

♫ Slavery

♫ Slavery

♫ We crossed the desert

♫ Running for our lives

♫ Fleeing from the Pharaoh

♫ Who was up to no good

♫ Now we're at the Red Sea

♫ Pharaoh is behind us

♫ Wanting us extincted

- What we need is a miracle!

♫ And then the Red Sea split before us

♫ No more tsouris

♫ We got our, we got our miracle

♫ Four Jews itching for answers

♫ Four Jews bitching their whole life long

- I'm Whizzer! - I'm Jason.

- I'm Mendel. - I'm Marvin.

♫ Bitch bitch bitch bitch

♫ Funny funny funny funny

♫ Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

♫ Right or whooo wrong

♫ In case of smoke, please call our mothers on the phone

♫ And say their sons are all on fire

♫ We are manipulating people and we need to know

♫ Our worst sides aren't ignored

♫ The guilt invested will in time pay wisely

♫ We do not tippy toe

♫ We charge ahead to show

♫ We're good in bed

♫ Excel in bed ♫ We smell in bed

♫ Where is the bed

♫ I love the bed

♫ Who has the bed ♫ I want the bed

♫ Who stole the bed ♫ Who stole the bed

♫ I lost it twice

♫ The bed is mine ♫ The bed is nice

♫ The bed is four Jews in a room bitching whee

♫ Four Jews talking like Jew-ish men

♫ I'm neurotic, he's neurotic

♫ They're neurotic, we're neurotic

♫ Bitch bitch bitch bitch

♫ Funny funny funny funny

- I'm nauseous! - I'm nauseous!

- I'm simple. - I'm Jewish.

♫ Slavery slavery

♫ Bitch bitch bitch bitch

♫ Funny funny funny funny

♫ I'm neurotic he's neurotic they're neurotic we're neurotic

♫ I'm neurotic he's neurotic they're neurotic we're neurotic

♫ Five Jews in a room

♫ Five Jews in a room

♫ Slavery slavery

♫ Four Jews in a room bitching

♫ Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

♫ Now and then

♫ Can't lose

♫ Loose screws

♫ Four - One

- Two - Three

- Four - Five

♫ Five Jews

(audience cheers and applauds)

♫ Well, the situation's this

♫ I do not wish to offend

♫ I divorced my wife

♫ I left my child

♫ And I ran off with a friend

♫ But I want a tight-knit family

♫ I want a group that harmonizes

♫ I want my wife and kid and friend

♫ To pretend

♫ Time will mend

♫ Our pain

♫ So it's 1979

♫ And we don't go by the book

♫ We all eat as one

♫ Wife, friend, and son

♫ And I sing out as they cook

♫ I love my tight-knit family

♫ I love the way they cook linguine

♫ Isn't it great we're all so swell

♫ Such a dear clientele

♫ I swear we're gonna come through it

♫ I fear we'll probably fight

♫ But nothing's impossible

♫ Live by your wit

♫ Kid, wife, and lover will have to admit

♫ I was right

♫ I cushioned the fall

♫ I want it all

♫ I want it all

♫ I want it

♫ I want it all

- Sit down, my dear.

I hear you have a problem.

♫ I'm sure you're not disgusting or indiscreet

♫ Take a load off your feet

Happy or sad? - Oh, I--

- That's a question with no answer.

(audience laughs)

♫ Let's not discuss the weather, let's face the facts

♫ Marvin's wife must relax

♫ Love isn't sex

♫ That's a thing my husband once told me

♫ Marvin, my ex

♫ You've seen him for years

♫ Told me over the phone to tell you my fears

♫ Do you only treat queers?

(audience laughs)

- No.

Breathe deep, my dear, you'll find me understanding.

♫ Your pain is a priori

♫ Unfold your untold story

♫ Now to break bread

♫ Loosen your glands

♫ Put your head in my hands

♫ I'm everything he wanted

♫ It's time I put it all together

♫ The date was set

♫ My father let me marry

♫ I married, I

♫ Then Marvin came from work

♫ Sat me down on the bed

♫ He told me how he loved me

♫ How needed and/or valued me

♫ I have

- What, syphilis? ♫ Syphilis he said

- Good. ♫ I have

- Yes? ♫ Syphilis it's true

- Good. ♫ I have something rotten

♫ Which appears though now it's well forgotten

♫ Maybe, darling, so do you ♫ Maybe, darling, so do you

♫ I am probably diseased

♫ You're a lovely girl

♫ And so easily appeased

♫ What a lovely girl, though she's possibly diseased

♫ He took pains to not excite us

♫ He explains I've

♫ Hepatitis ♫ Hepatitis too.

♫ Hepa hepa hepatitis ♫ Hepatitis hepatitis

♫ Love is blind

♫ Love can tell a million stories

♫ Love's unkind

♫ Spiteful in a million ways

♫ Then I stayed home from work

♫ Took good care of my men

♫ They faked despair, they wet their bed

♫ They combed their hair, they acted dead

♫ One said - Yes?

- Daddy is a prick!

- What? ♫ He said

- Yes? - Daddy isn't mine.

- Good.

♫ He filled my coats

♫ With candies and notes

♫ With "Will you be my valentine"

♫ Will you be my valentine

♫ This gets harder to believe

♫ You're a damaged girl

♫ I've a scalpel up my sleeve

♫ What a damaged girl

♫ Do not ever slit your wrists

♫ I've missed him, he's still missing

♫ Don't make noise, but daddy's kissing boys

♫ Petty, petty, petty, petty

♫ Love is blind

♫ Love can tell a million stories

♫ Love's unkind

♫ Spiteful in a million ways

♫ Love is blind

♫ Love can tell a million stories

♫ Love's unkind

♫ Spiteful in a million ways

♫ Love is crazy

♫ Love is often boring

♫ Love stinks, love is pretty often debris

♫ When you find what you find

♫ Then never, never, never, never, never

♫ Do it over again

♫ Love reads like a bad biography

♫ All the names are changed to protect the innocent

♫ Love is blind

♫ My name is Mendel

♫ I treat her husband

♫ I think she's very insecure

♫ But so am I

(audience laughs)

♫ I've never married

♫ Work, work is my passion

♫ Or perhaps that's an alibi

- Yeah, perhaps it is.

- I don't care to discuss it.

I think, I just... (audience laughs)

♫ I think she's charming

♫ I think she's needy

♫ In just five sessions on my couch

♫ She'll be like new

♫ His name is Mendel

♫ Return next Friday

♫ I admit I admire you

♫ Hang up all your clothes

♫ Whizzer begs ♫ Whizzer knows

♫ Shave your legs

♫ Make me sick ♫ You're a prick

♫ God you're impossible

♫ We've been together for nine months

♫ 10 months ♫ Nine months

♫ 10 months ♫ Nine months

♫ 10 months

♫ We are the salt of the bourgeoisie

♫ While I put the steak in

♫ I bring home the bacon

♫ And we're proud to say we love it how we

♫ Don't ♫ Won't

♫ Don't ♫ Won't

♫ Don't

♫ Agree

♫ Everything he owns is vile

♫ Marvin doesn't care a whit

♫ Marvin doesn't share

♫ My devotion to style

♫ Men from France can cancel a debt

♫ Men in cufflinks make me forget my name

♫ I intend to upset

♫ This regrettable game

♫ Whizzer takes me by the neck

♫ What is this, wash and wear?

♫ Whizzer has unlimited knowledge of dreck

♫ Send me flowers

♫ Mention is made

♫ Make them roses

♫ Attention is paid in full

♫ See how quickly he sours

♫ When he pushes, I pull

♫ Hang up your clothes, Marvin

♫ Breeding shows, Marvin

♫ I was rich, he was horny

♫ We fit like a glove

♫ Close your eyes, Whizzer

♫ Passion dies

♫ But I'd kill for that thrill of first

♫ Love

♫ We ask for passion at all times

♫ We stand to passion and drink this toast

♫ Still it's awfully trying

♫ And we're not denying

♫ That of all the lesser passions

♫ We like fighting most

♫ Whizzer screws too much to see

♫ What a joy's monogamy

♫ What a joy is saving his joys

♫ For one man

♫ Leave me ♫ Love me

♫ Don't be a fool

♫ Want me ♫ Feed me

♫ No one's so cruel and cheap

♫ What I love I devour

♫ What you love you devour, what I covet I keep

♫ Isn't that right, Whizzer

♫ Let's both fight, Whizzer

♫ I was trained in karate

♫ I'm best when I cheat

♫ So I'll cheat, Whizzer, and I'll shove

♫ And I'll kill for that thrill of first

♫ Love

♫ We've been together for nine months-

♫ 10 months ♫ Nine months

♫ We've been together for 10 months

♫ Nine months ♫ 10 months

♫ In fact we've almost survived a year

♫ True, but who is counting?

♫ We're too busy mounting

♫ A display of our affection

♫ That is so sincere

♫ Passion dies

♫ Passion dies

♫ I would kill for that thrill of first love

♫ I would kill for that thrill of first love-

♫ I would kill for that thrill of first love-

♫ I would kill for that thrill

♫ I would kill for that thrill of first

♫ Love

♫ Love

♫ Love

(audience applauds)

♫ My father says that love

♫ Is the most beautiful thing in the world

♫ I think games are

♫ I think chess is the most

♫ Beautiful thing

♫ Not love

- Marvin at the psychiatrist, a three-part mini opera.

(audience laughs)

Part One.

♫ Do you love him

♫ Sorta kinda

♫ Do you need him

♫ Sorta kinda

♫ He makes me smile a lot

♫ Especially at mealtime

♫ It makes me feel I'm sort of smart

♫ Is he special

♫ He's delightful

♫ And romantic

♫ Yes, and spiteful

♫ But yet it seems that so am I

♫ Just enjoy what you can

♫ Love the boy, not the man ♫ Man

(audience laughs)

♫ Sorta stylish

♫ Kinda very

♫ Mmm, very very sorta

♫ And kind of hard to describe

- Yes, yes, I think that is very true.

♫ When he's naked - Yes?

♫ Does he thrill you - Yes!

♫ Is he vicious - Yes.

♫ Would he kill you

- Yes. (audience laughs)

♫ I think he's sorta kinda mean

♫ But I love him, and I need it

♫ If he loved me, I'd concede it

♫ Don't despise what you feel

♫ Love the friend

♫ Not the heel ♫ Heel

(audience laughs)

♫ He's sometimes worthless

♫ Sometimes evil

♫ Sometimes smarmy

- Part Two. (audience laughs)

♫ Explore, Mr. Marvin

♫ Your core, Mr. Marvin

♫ Note how your wife's, your ex-wife's, subtle glories

♫ Coupled with her tragic stories

♫ Move me in unreported ways

♫ At her very first session

♫ She made quite an impression

♫ Do you mind that

♫ She was here to speak of Jason

♫ And I find that

♫ I hope Jason acts out more

♫ 'Cause there's a few more things we need explored

- Good. - Good.

♫ You said she was withholding

- Right.

♫ Well that's not quite true - No?

♫ Perhaps she held back love from you

- Did she really?

♫ I just know what I'm told

♫ 'Cause when I met your wife, she was anything but cold

♫ It wasn't quite precise to say that she was ice

♫ When I met your wife, she was very nice

♫ Very, very, very

♫ Was she faithful, be objective

- Yes.

♫ She was faithful - Yes.

♫ And you wanted to impress her

♫ Yes sir, yes sir

♫ But impress her I did not

♫ Did she sweat a lot - What?

♫ Was she ruthless - Huh?

♫ Narcissistic? - Who?

♫ Let me vary the mood

- Yes, please.

♫ Does she sleep in the nude

(audience laughs)

- No.

- No, does not sleep nude.

Okay, going on.

♫ I have questions

♫ That should probably go unanswered

♫ But there're questions

♫ Like, does she wear a negligé

♫ Could you blow and it would blow away

♫ Since the session's nearly through

♫ Tell me, what is going on with you

- Oh so now you're interested in me?

- Of course.

- Part Three.

- My son's distressing.

♫ My father's snide

♫ I'm convalescing

♫ He's morbid and dissatisfied

♫ What should I do now

♫ He loves another

♫ I agree

♫ I love my mother

♫ Why not me?

♫ We go to ball games

♫ The ball is tossed

♫ The pitcher's handsome

♫ Yeah, and our team lost

♫ Is that my fault, though

♫ Should I be blamed for that

♫ Explore museums

♫ Admire art

♫ We stand together

♫ But we stand there looking miles apart

♫ How do I reach him?

♫ What words of wisdom?

♫ What should I do now?

♫ My father says that love

♫ Is the most beautiful thing in the world

♫ I think games are

♫ I think chess is the most

♫ Beautiful thing

♫ Not love

- Marvin at the psychiatrist, a three-part mini opera.

- Oh, the end.

(audience applauds)

♫ My father's a homo

♫ My mother's not thrilled at all

♫ Father homo

♫ What about chromosomes

♫ Do they carry

♫ Will they carry

♫ Who's the homo now

♫ My father said that one day I'll grow up to be President

♫ And that idea's not so wild

♫ I don't live the life of a normal child

- Jason, honey, I need to check--

- Jason, I need you to--

- Mom! - Jason!

♫ 'Cause I'm too smart for my own good

♫ And I'm too good for my sorry little life

♫ My mother's no wife

♫ And my father's no man, no man at all

- Honey, why don't you go out and play?

- No.

♫ Sweetheart, I worry, sweetheart, I do

♫ I worry a lot I worry a lot I worry a lot

- I could take you to the Jewish center?

(imitating vomiting)

♫ I think you like playing chess alone

♫ That's not normal

♫ What is normal?

- I wouldn't know.

♫ Why don't you speak on the telephone

♫ With anyone, just get a friend, anyone

♫ Darling, please, see a psychiatrist

♫ He's quite a guy and I admire how he acts

♫ No one is saying you're a sick neurotic

♫ But you could find some help

♫ Hear me out, please

♫ Yes, you could find some help

♫ He could help you realize how confused you are

♫ Yes, it's very clear

♫ Daddy's sincere but a schmo!

♫ You and I must trust our emotions

♫ Make no commotions, will you go?

- No!

♫ Jason, please see a psychiatrist

♫ He's just a psychiatrist

♫ I'll pay the bill until you're old

♫ Darling please listen ♫ Jason

♫ to your father here

♫ please see a psychiatrist ♫ He's not a genius type

♫ Lord knows, but he knows what's true.

♫ He's just a psychiatrist ♫ I will not go

♫ I'll pay the bill until you're old

♫ He chose a man who I think knows the answers

♫ To all your problems ♫ Never never never

♫ Mendel understands ♫ Never never never

♫ What's bothering you ♫ Never never never

- Forget it!

♫ What a mess this is, this family

♫ Experts can see this is so

♫ Photographs can't capture our magic

♫ We're simply tragic

♫ Will you go

- No.

♫ Jason, please see a psychiatrist

♫ He's not ♫ I won't say boo

♫ -exorbitant ♫ And he's very smart

♫ If intelligence were the only criterion

♫ Then I wouldn't really need a psychiatrist, would I

- No.

♫ Would I

- No.

♫ Just because you failed as parents

(Trina gasps, audience murmurs)

♫ Get thee to a psychiatrist

- Hey, kid, listen.

♫ I don't need ♫ He needs a psychiatrist

♫ I want ♫ A psychiatrist

♫ I wanna speak with Whizzer

♫ Speak with whom

♫ With Whizzer

♫ With Whizzer ♫ With Whizzer

♫ With Whizzer

- Oh my God. (audience laughs)

♫ Whizzer Whizzer

♫ Whizzer Whizzer

♫ Whizzer, do you think I should see a psychiatrist

(Whizzer laughs)

♫ I'm not sure, Jason

(audience laughs)

♫ Jason, maybe so

♫ Absolutely, Jason

♫ Okay, I'll go ♫ He'll go

♫ I'll go ♫ He'll go

♫ If he comes here ♫ If he comes here

♫ He might come here

♫ They don't make house calls

(audience laughs)

(high-pitched beeping)

- Oh!

♫ Late for dinner, late again

♫ Late for dinner, late again

♫ Late for dinner, late again

♫ Late for dinner, late, late, late, late

♫ Late for dinner, late again

♫ Late for dinner, late again

♫ Late for dinner, late again

♫ Late for dinner, late, late, late, late

♫ Whizzer's supposed to always be here

♫ Making dinner, set to screw

♫ That's what pretty boys should do

♫ Check their hairlines, make the dinner

♫ And love me

♫ This is going nowhere and fast, Whizzer

♫ This little thing that we have will not last

♫ Don't feel responsible, after all, it's through

♫ I'm not responsible

♫ Life can be wonderful

♫ Isn't this wonderful

♫ And this had better come to a stop, Whizzer

♫ Now, Whizzer, ciao, Whizzer, bend

♫ This had better come to an end

♫ I was supposed to make the dinner

♫ Make it pretty on his plate

♫ Every wife should pull her weight

♫ Have it ready, make it tasty and love him

♫ This had better come to a stop, doctor

♫ This has been a tragic and horrible flop

♫ Don't feel responsible

♫ After all, it's through

♫ Who is responsible

♫ Don't ask me questions

♫ I'm frightened of questions

♫ But grateful that it's come to a stop, Trina

♫ Smile, Trina, I'll help you mend

♫ I met this man today

♫ He wasn't very smart

♫ But he was rich, Marvin

♫ Which, Marvin

♫ Do you prefer I lust for

♫ Brains or money

♫ Brains

♫ I'm not so rich ♫ Brains or money

♫ But, hell, I'm smart

♫ Love me

- No. - No!

♫ Love me, please

♫ Or break my heart

♫ This is all very neat

♫ This is all very neat

♫ This is all very smart

♫ This is all very smart

♫ This had better come to a stop, Mendel

♫ Don't touch me

♫ Don't condescend

♫ This had better come

♫ This had better come to a

♫ This, this, this, this

♫ This had better come to an end

♫ This had better come to an end

♫ Chop chop chop chop chop

♫ I chopped it

♫ I served his food

♫ The jackass forced me

♫ Chop chop chop chop

♫ Chop chop chop chop

♫ And still the bastard divorced me

♫ Chop chop chop chop

♫ Chop chop chop chop

♫ Late for dinner, late again

♫ Late for dinner, late again ♫ It isn't like he says

♫ Late for dinner, late again ♫ You probably hurt his pride

♫ Late for dinner, late again ♫ He's got to have it all

♫ He's like a baby who's denied

♫ This had better come to a stop, Marvin

♫ This has been a lousy but fabulous flop

♫ Why is it always ourselves who have to change

- This is incredibly boring!

♫ You've got a temper that redefines temper

♫ And this had better come to a stop, Marvin

♫ Why, Marvin, try, Marvin, bend

♫ This had better come

♫ This had better come to a

♫ This this this this

♫ This had better come to an end

♫ This had better come to an end

♫ This had better come to an end

(audience applauds)

(upbeat piano music)

♫ I'd like to be a princess on a throne

♫ To have a country I can call my own

♫ And a king

♫ Who's lusty and requires a fling

♫ With a female thing

♫ Great, men will be men

♫ Let me turn on the gas

♫ I caught them in the den with

♫ Marvin grabbing Whizzer's ass

♫ Oh sure, I'm sure, he's sure he did his best

♫ I mean he meant to be what he was not

♫ The things he was are things which I forgot

♫ He's a queen

♫ I'm a queen

♫ Where is my crown

♫ I'm breaking down (audience laughs)

♫ I'm breaking down

♫ My life's not pretty

♫ And my kid seems like an idiot to me

♫ I mean that's sick

♫ I mean he's great

♫ It's me who is the matter

♫ Talking madder than the maddest hatter

♫ If I repeat one more word

♫ I swear I'll lose my brain

♫ Oh, what else should I explain

♫ Oh, yes it's true

♫ I can cry on cue but so can you

♫ I'm breaking down

♫ I'm breaking down down, down

♫ You ask me "Is it fun to cry over nothing"

♫ It is, I'm breaking down (audience laughs)

(laughing) No, I don't have time for a breakdown now,

I've got to get back to my banana carrot surprise.

Okay. (audience laughs)

This isn't my first bris.

Just the tip! (audience laughs)

Oh, what the heck?

♫ Now let's consider what I might do next

♫ I hate admitting I've become perplexed

♫ I'm bereaved

♫ I've cried, I've shook, I've yelled, I've heaved

♫ I have been deceived

♫ As enemies go

♫ Whizzer is not so bad

♫ It's just he's so damn happy

♫ That it makes me so damn mad

♫ I want to hate him but I really can't

♫ It's like a nightmare how this all proceeds

♫ I hope that Whizzer don't fulfill his needs

♫ Don't is wrong, sing along

♫ What was the noun?

♫ I'm breaking down

♫ I'm breaking down

♫ I'll soon redecorate these stalls

♫ I'd like some padding on the walls

♫ And also pills

♫ I wanna sleep

♫ Sure, things'll probably worsen

♫ But it's not like I'm some healthy person

(audience laughs)

♫ I've rethought my talks with Marv

♫ And one fact does emerge

♫ I think I like his shrink

♫ So that is why I might turn to drink

♫ I'm on the brink of breaking down

♫ I'm breaking down down, down

♫ I only want to love a man who can love me

♫ Or like me or help me

- Help me!

♫ Marvin was never mine

♫ He took his meetings in the boys' latrine

♫ I used to cry

♫ He'd make a scene

♫ I'd rather die than dry-clean Marvin's wedding gown

♫ I'm breaking down

♫ I'm breaking down

♫ It's so upsetting when you've found

♫ That what's rectangular is round

♫ I mean it stinks

♫ I mean he's queer and me, I'm just a freak

♫ Who needs it maybe every other week

- Oh my God that feels so good.

(audience laughs)

♫ I've rethought the fun we've had

♫ And one fact does emerge

♫ I've played the foolish clown

♫ The almost virgin who sing this dirge is on the verge

♫ Of breaking down

♫ I'm breaking down down, down

♫ The only thing that's breaking up is my family

♫ The only thing that's breaking up is my family

♫ But me, I'm breaking down

(audience cheers and applauds)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

♫ Dr. Mendel please

- Yeah, this is Mendel Weisenbachfeld.

(audience laughs)

♫ Dr. Mendel, vis-a-vis what Marvin did

♫ Or rather, hasn't done

- Trina, how are you?

♫ You must exorcise a devil

♫ 'Cause it inhabits Marvin's son

- Sure, sure, yes, um...

♫ Please come to our house

♫ And talk a bit with Jason

♫ It's a slight exaggeration

♫ But he's sick in the head

♫ Oh, sure, sometimes you'll think he's wonderful

♫ But he's wild

♫ I'm sure he's Marvin's child

♫ What should I say to the man

♫ Should I be mean to the man

♫ Just be yourself

♫ I'll be myself

♫ Stop asking questions be yourself

♫ I'll be myself

♫ Don't be disgusting be yourself

(doorbell buzzes)

- Okay, go, go, go.

♫ Hello to my house

♫ So good of you to travel

♫ On account of my unraveling

♫ Now let's eat some food

- Let's talk.

♫ I think, before the food gets cold

♫ Time to jaw

♫ First, I'll extend my paw

♫ I think she's holding it so tenderly

♫ I'll probably faint

♫ If so

♫ I'd rather die in this position

♫ Than remain the saint

♫ You think you know

♫ I'm not, although

♫ I must be showing better-than-the-norm restraint

♫ Oh, what a lovely table

♫ Such a romantic table

♫ Knives in place lots of space

♫ To spread out and eat

♫ Notice how our eyes discreetly

♫ Please come to our house

♫ The dinner's on the table

♫ We will talk if we are able to

♫ But probably we won't

♫ We sit, the kid looks pretty miserable

♫ Uninspired

♫ Oh ain't that the truth

♫ We're tired

♫ I think the room looks just a wee bit small

♫ This girl agrees

♫ Adieu

♫ I'll wait outside and hold the food

♫ I do not eat at all at times like these

♫ The worst is through

♫ There's work to do ♫ I'll wait

♫ She'll wait ♫ They'll wait

♫ I'll wait for you

♫ Mr. Mendel

♫ I get apoplexy thinking of my father

♫ I resemble him in far too many ways

♫ His sad demeanor

♫ The way he acts the swine

♫ At least his room is cleaner than mine

♫ Is it fatal

♫ Do you see real similarities between us

♫ He and Whizzer live like

♫ Well, I think it's clear

♫ What do I do, what do I say

♫ How do I ask, what do I hope for

♫ Is it my mind

♫ Love isn't free

♫ If love isn't blind what do I see

♫ Stop, look around you

♫ No one's screaming at you

♫ So you feel all right for about ten minutes

♫ If you feel all right for ten minutes

♫ Feel all right for twenty minutes

♫ Feel all right for forty minutes

♫ Drop it and smile

♫ Why don't you feel all right for the rest of your life

♫ Why don't you feel all right for the rest of your life

♫ Why don't you feel all right for the rest of your life

(audience laughs)

- Is this therapy?

(audience laughs)

♫ Chop chop chop chop chop

♫ I chopped it

♫ It's a gourmet version of chicken merengo

♫ Took me all day

♫ I'll say 't was worth the time

♫ I lie

♫ Why is he always here?

♫ The psychiatrist returning, returning

♫ Five sessions later

♫ Try to forget all things homely

♫ Try to forget all things snide

♫ Nothing's as good as you recall

♫ Count what's good, then divide

♫ If you count, it's all right

♫ You can figure out the world

♫ You can add and subtract at will

♫ You can cover up the past

♫ You can kill the pain very easily

♫ Is this therapy

♫ Right, this is therapy

♫ So scram

♫ Mr. Mendel

♫ As regarding your intentions to my mother

♫ Are they everything a woman would desire

♫ Her hand is ready

♫ It only needs a ring

♫ I'll buy confetti and sing

♫ I'm embarrassed

♫ It's not my responsibility to ask you

♫ But I wonder if it's ever crossed your mind

♫ What do I say, where do I look, why do I laugh

♫ How do I answer

♫ Is it my mind, love isn't free

♫ If love isn't blind, what do I see?

- Stop!

Look around you, a lot of nice furniture.

Someone's bringing your dinner,

someone brought your lunch, someone's washed your laundry,

washing your socks, jump in and smile!

♫ Why don't you feel all right for the rest of your life

♫ Why don't you feel all right for the rest of your life

♫ Why don't you feel all right ♫ Why don't I feel all right

♫ For the rest of your life? ♫ For the rest of my life?

♫ Whoo!

♫ Why don't you feel all right for the rest of your life?

♫ Why don't you feel all right for the rest of your life?

♫ Why don't you feel all right for the rest of your life?

♫ Feel, feel, feel, feel all right

♫ Feel, feel, feel, feel all right

♫ Feel, feel, feel, feel all right

♫ Feel all right for the rest of your

♫ Rest of your life

(audience cheers and applauds)

- This is how you make a marriage proposal.

♫ I love you dear

♫ I think you're swell

♫ You're never near me close enough to tell

♫ If I'm delightful or not

♫ I crave your wrist

♫ I praise your thigh

♫ There's not a guy

♫ There's not a piece of paper

♫ There's not a man in pants

♫ Who could love you the same as I

♫ Oftentimes, lovers are crazy people

♫ Sometimes they kill each other

♫ Just like a biblical brother

♫ Did to his biblical brother

♫ Back in biblical times

(audience laughs)

- Biblical times?

- Biblical times.

- Uh, biblical times.

♫ Oh, those' biblical times

♫ I love your eyes

♫ I love your face

♫ I want you by my side to take my place

♫ If I get sick or detained

- Don't touch your hair, you're perfect.

(audience laughs)

♫ Don't start to cry

♫ There's not a guy

♫ There's not a horse or zebra

♫ There's not a giant man

♫ Who could love you the same as I

♫ Forget that giant man,

♫ He won't love you the same as I

♫ I'm not a giant man - Good.

♫ But I'll love you until

♫ Love you until I die

♫ Well the situation's this.

♫ I don't want to cause a stink

♫ I divorced my wife

♫ She dried her eyes

♫ And she ran off with my shrink

♫ But I want a tight-knit family

♫ I want a wife who knows what love is

♫ Maybe she does, I'm too damn peeved

♫ Self-Absorbed, self-deceived

♫ Who knows

♫ I should worry what he says

♫ Like his words could hurt me worse

♫ Marvin acts bereft

♫ My acts of theft

♫ Are incredibly perverse ♫ You said it

♫ It's embarrassing

♫ But I've got a nice, tight family

♫ Son with a brain and nice, bright mother

♫ Yes, I feel guilt, yes, I'm annoyed

♫ But so was Jung, so was Freud

♫ But I, I know you'll come through it

♫ I can't believe she loves you

♫ If so, you'll end looking rich

♫ Why I'm sure she cannot love you, but nothing's impossible

♫ Look who's got power

♫ King of the Losers

♫ At eighty an hour, he can bitch

♫ I can stall

♫ I want ♫ I've got

♫ I want it all

♫ I'm sure we're gonna come through it

♫ No doubt, the bastard prepares

♫ We're needy and wanting

♫ We're greedy as swine

♫ I just got a family

♫ The family was mine

♫ But he dares, dares to brawl

♫ I want it all ♫ I've got it all

♫ I want it all ♫ I've got it all

♫ I want it all ♫ I've got it all

(audience applauds)

(slow flute music)

♫ I'm tired of all the happy men

♫ Who rule the world

♫ They grow, of that I'm sure

♫ They grow, but don't mature

♫ I'd like the chance to hide

♫ In that world

♫ I'm listening to these men who aren't quite men yet

♫ But aren't boys

♫ Make noise and throw their knives

♫ Their toys are people's lives

♫ They fight too hard and play too rough

♫ They sometimes love, but not enough

♫ My heart will beat at will, but still

♫ It's crazy how they're acting

♫ It's crazy my response

♫ It's stupid how I love them

♫ So dumb, how I anticipate their wants

♫ But as long as they amuse me

♫ That alone is what's required

♫ So I'll roar like I'm wired

♫ I'll explore what I'm feeling

♫ Except what I'm feeling is tired

♫ I'm tired so tired of all

♫ The happy men who rule the world

♫ Happy, frightened men who rule the world

♫ Stupid, charming men

♫ Silly, childish jerks

♫ That said, I'll be his wife

♫ I'll wed and change my life

♫ I'll laugh, I'll smile, I'll welcome cheer

♫ The time is right, the men are near

♫ Now happiness and love appear

♫ March, march

♫ March of the Falsettos

♫ March of the Falsettos

♫ Whee

♫ Who is man enough to march to

♫ March of the Falsettos

♫ C'mere

♫ One foot following the other

♫ Teach it to your brother

♫ Make him march, march, march of the Falsettos

♫ March of the Falsettos

(blowing raspberries) ♫ Oops

♫ March a little bit

♫ March a little bit

♫ March a little bit on

♫ Four men, swaying in phosphorescence

♫ Keep replaying their adolescence

♫ Four men marching but never mincing

♫ Four men marching is so convincing

♫ It's a goddamn surety

♫ We're lacking in maturity

(all talking at once)

♫ March march march march

♫ Marvin's always wary

♫ March march march march

♫ Does this mean that I'm a fairy?

♫ March march march march

♫ What a stupid theory

♫ March march march march

♫ Whizzer says it doesn't, dearie

♫ Don't be scared

♫ Don't get tight

♫ Asses bared my delight

♫ Shared with four young men

♫ Alone in the night

♫ March, march, march of the Falsettos

♫ March of the Falsettos

♫ Who is man enough to march to

♫ March of the Falsettos

♫ Hi, one foot following the other

♫ Practice it on one another

♫ March, march, march of the Falsettos

♫ March of the Falsettos

♫ March of the Falsettos

♫ Marching home

♫ Uh oh

(audience applauds)

♫ Please forgive my former shpieling

♫ It does not concern the man

♫ As for doubts that I've been feeling

♫ I'll ignore them when I can

♫ And the things that I must do

♫ I'll do to make this all succeed

♫ I'll commit, that's agreed

♫ And with wit and precision

♫ I've made a decision

♫ To get the things I need

♫ God, I'll try, try

♫ I'll cry

♫ No, I'll laugh

♫ And unafraid, I'll laugh

♫ And hire a maid

♫ I'll fight the gods, I'll fight my ex

♫ I'll beat the odds, I'll have good sex

♫ My future's now on trial

♫ I smile

(gentle piano music)

♫ That's the king, treat him nice

♫ Use some brains, now protect him

♫ Yes, I know

♫ Here I go

- Hmm. (audience laughs)

Hmm, hmm.

♫ Play the game

♫ Please, don't watch me, I can do it

♫ Have a little scotch

♫ Ah, I blew it

♫ Maybe you could show me where

♫ I fear I've lost my head

♫ Do you want my help

♫ No, I don't, I can think it through myself

♫ Start again, we've seen the worst

♫ I'll go first

♫ Move a pawn ♫ No, sir

♫ Move ♫ Where

♫ There ♫ Here

♫ Move a pawn ♫ Who

♫ Not the queen ♫ Who

♫ Jesus

♫ Life's a sham and every move is wrong

♫ We've examined every move as we move along

♫ Winning is everything to me

♫ Nothing is everything to me

♫ Winning is everything to me

♫ Nothing is everything to me

- Except sex.

- Move a pawn.

- And money.

♫ Good first move

♫ Quite all right

♫ Take a turn

♫ Thank you kindly

♫ Move the pawn

♫ Move the pawn

♫ Take my hand

♫ Play the game

♫ God you're pretty ♫ More's the pity

♫ Since you need a man ♫ What

♫ Who's brainy ♫ Or witty, move

♫ What should I do now ♫ Move

♫ Where ♫ There

♫ How should I behave myself

♫ Chess ain't how your boyfriend thinks

♫ This game stinks

♫ Let me win ♫ Yes, sir

♫ Please ♫ Yes

♫ Great ♫ Wait

♫ Whizzer wins ♫ Wait

♫ Whizzer wins ♫ Wait

♫ Checkmate

♫ Life's a sham and every move is wrong

♫ We've examined every move as we move along

- What?

Marvin!

It was just a g--

♫ Whizzer's supposed to make the dinner

♫ Be a patsy, lose at chess

♫ Always bravely acquiesce

♫ Clip the coupons, make the dinner

♫ And love him

♫ This has got to come to a stop, Marvin

♫ This had got to come to a stop, Whizzer

♫ This has been a lousy but fabulous flop

♫ Anyone understand, all I want's a kiss

♫ Anyone understand

♫ Don't start explaining, I'm sick of explaining

♫ And this had better come to a stop

♫ Marvin, now, Marvin ♫ Whizzer, now, Whizzer

♫ Ciao, Marvin ♫ Ciao, Whizzer

♫ Bend, this had better come

♫ This had better come to a

♫ This, this, this, this

♫ This had better come to an end

♫ This had better come to an end

♫ This had better come to an end

♫ Welcome to our humble place

♫ We're concerned with setting the tone

♫ With filling the space

♫ Making a home

♫ She becomes a happy wife

♫ He decides the role to assume

♫ Building a life

♫ Shaping a room

♫ What it needs is people

♫ Men and women talking

♫ Men and women thinking out loud

♫ How far to go

♫ Visit when you please

♫ You are not required to phone

♫ We'll buy the cheese

♫ God bless our home

♫ Books abound

♫ To show we read

♫ The dog's been deflea'd

♫ And sent outside to play

♫ I hope it runs away

♫ So do I

♫ So do I

♫ Afternoons, we make hors d'oeuvres

♫ After afternoons, we receive

♫ We deceive

♫ This is the price

♫ This is the price

♫ Making believe

♫ What it needs is people

♫ Men and women laughing

♫ Men and women thinking out loud

♫ Should he love me

♫ Should she love me

♫ Could he love me

♫ Yes, we love the bed

♫ Yes, we love to fight the unknown

♫ Baking the bread

♫ Sharpening knives

♫ Forging ahead

♫ Loving our ♫ Liking our

♫ Hating our Lives

♫ Making a home ♫ Making a home

♫ Making a home ♫ Making a home

♫ Making a home

♫ I don't look for trouble

♫ I do not accept blame

♫ I've a good and a bad side

♫ But they're one and the same

♫ Ask me to arouse you

♫ I will rise and obey

♫ These are the games I play

♫ I screw every morning

♫ Then bathe and drink tea

♫ I been playing canasta

♫ Disastrously

♫ All my recreation seems to suit me okay

♫ These are the games I play

♫ It's tough with love

♫ Love's tough to show

♫ Play again the music

♫ It's a song that I've been waiting to hear so long

♫ So long ago

♫ I bet on the horses

♫ I die by degree

♫ I am sure his divorce is

♫ A tribute to me

♫ Ask me if I love him

♫ It depends on the day

♫ These are the games I play

♫ It's tough, my friend

♫ Love's looking strong

♫ Let me face the music

♫ It's a song that I been waiting to hear

♫ For much too long

♫ Years, years too long

♫ It hurts not to love him

♫ It hurts when love fades

♫ It's hard when part of him

♫ Is off playing family charades

♫ Ask me if I need him

♫ Get him out of my way

♫ These are, these are the games

♫ These are the games

♫ These are the only games I play

(audience applauds)

♫ Hello, Trina, thank you for sending this

♫ Goodness, Trina, I am relieved

♫ Frankly, Trina, nice of you sending this

♫ Thank you, Trina, I have received

♫ Your new-sent wedding invitations

♫ They are pseudo-romantic and sick

♫ You say you'll love him until you both die

♫ You die on May 27th at eight

♫ He has lost his mind

♫ Marvin is not so uncouth

♫ Marvin is not so unkind ♫ Mendel plans to rub my back

♫ Mendel's not a maniac

♫ And he's sweet

♫ And he's warm

♫ And he loves me so

♫ Tell me, Trina, what was the impetus

♫ Sorry, Trina, look in my eyes

♫ Really, Trina, this is ridiculous

♫ Jesus, Trina, how I despise

♫ Your need for stupid conversation

♫ You are trying to ruin my sleep

♫ I'm sure you chose him to make me look bad

♫ How could you ever deny what we had

♫ We had fights and games

♫ Marvin called us funny names

♫ Marvin always played the clown

♫ Marvin acts like he's untrained

♫ Marvin, I am so ashamed

♫ And he's sweet

♫ And he's mean

♫ Do I love him

No.

- I am so dumb.

♫ Dumb

♫ Dumb

♫ Dumb

♫ Dumb

♫ Dumb

(loud smack)

- Baby, you know-- - No.

(sobbing)

♫ I never wanted to love you

♫ I only wanted to love and not be blamed

♫ Let me go, you should know

♫ I'm not ashamed

♫ To have loved you

♫ I loved you more than I meant to

♫ In my profession, one's love stays unexpressed

♫ Here we stand, take my hand

♫ God, I'm distressed

♫ How I love you

♫ I hate the world ♫ He hates everything

♫ I love my dad ♫ He loves his father

♫ I love the things I've never had

♫ Love our family

♫ Lord, hear our call

♫ Help us all ♫ Help us all

♫ Help us all ♫ Help us all

♫ Help us all!

♫ I never wanted to love you

♫ I never wanted, 'til death do we two part

♫ Condescend, stay my friend

♫ How do I start

♫ Not to love you ♫ I'm...

♫ Everything he wanted

♫ It's time I put it all together

♫ Our hands were tied

♫ My father cried, "You'll marry"

♫ We married

♫ I never wanted to love you ♫ He's mine

♫ I only wanted to see my face in yours

♫ He's mine ♫ Jason's wild

♫ Save this child

♫ How he adores, and hates me

♫ It really killed me when you took those vows

♫ Don't misunderstand, I'm in demand

♫ And anyhow, we're through

♫ I never wanted, I wanted

♫ I never, never, never, never

♫ Never, never wanted to love you

♫ I never wanted to love you

♫ I never wanted to love you

♫ Love you

(audience applauds)

♫ My father says that love

♫ Is the most beautiful thing in the world

♫ I think girls are

♫ I think girls are the most

♫ Beautiful thing

♫ Not love

♫ Kid, be my son

♫ What I've done to you is rotten

♫ Say, I was scared

♫ I kept marching in one place

♫ Marching in time

♫ To a tune I'd forgotten

♫ I loved you, I love you

♫ I meant no disgrace

♫ This here is love

♫ When we're talking

♫ Face to face

♫ Father to son

♫ I, for one, would take love slower

♫ I've made my choice

♫ You can sing a different song

♫ Watch as you sing

♫ How your voice gets much lower

♫ You'll be, kid, a man, kid

♫ If nothing goes wrong

♫ Sing for yourself

♫ As you march

♫ Along

♫ A man, kid, you'll be, kid

♫ Whatever your song

♫ Sing for us all

♫ As we march

♫ Along

(audience applauds)

♫ Homosexuals

(audience laughs)

♫ Women with children

♫ Short insomniacs and a teeny tiny band whoo

♫ Come, back in

♫ The welcome mat is on the floor

♫ Let's, begin

♫ This story needs an ending

♫ A homosexual father with children

♫ One bar mitzvah that

♫ Is scrupulously planned

♫ Lovers come and lovers go

♫ Lovers fight and sing fortissimo

♫ Give these handsome boys a hand

♫ Welcome to Falsettoland

♫ Nancy Reagan

♫ Meanest and thinnest of the first Ladies

♫ Moves into the White House

♫ Ya-bah-dah-bah

♫ It's the '80s

♫ Ya-bah-dah-bah

♫ Ooh, the '80s

♫ Ya-bah-dah-bah

♫ What a world we live

♫ March, march, march of the Falsettos

♫ March of the Falsettos

♫ What a world we live in

♫ Who is man enough to march in

♫ March of the Falsettos

♫ Ya-bah-dah-bah

♫ Spiky lesbians

♫ Woman internist

♫ Shiksa caterer

♫ Who is trying to expand

♫ Everybody on your mark

♫ Congregate in Central Park

♫ Pretty boys are in demand

♫ Welcome to Falsettoland

♫ Whee

♫ Whoo

♫ What a world we live in

♫ Whee

♫ Whoo

♫ What a world we live in

♫ It's about time, don't ya think

♫ It's about time to grow up, don't ya think

♫ It's about time to grow up and face the music

♫ It's about time

♫ Since we last spoke

♫ Two years are waning

♫ I'll try explaining just what you've missed

♫ We called a truce

♫ And fitfully we coexist

♫ I'm still loose

♫ She's still with the psychiatrist

♫ So I don't have a psychiatrist

♫ Except on the Jewish holidays

♫ But I still have my son on the weekends

♫ Hey, just on the weekends

♫ And some very good friends

♫ But I don't have a lover anymore

♫ Oh my God

♫ When am I gonna get over this

♫ When am I gonna get over this

♫ When am I gonna get over this

♫ Homosexuals

♫ Women with children

♫ Ex-ex lovers

♫ And a teeny tiny band

♫ Welcome to Falsettoland

♫ Shiksa caterers ♫ Short insomniacs

♫ Hypochondriacs ♫ Yiddish Americans

♫ Spiky families ♫ Radiologists

♫ Intellectuals ♫ Nervous wrecks!

(everyone sighs)

♫ Welcome to Falsettoland

♫ It's about time, don't ya think

♫ It's about time to grow up, don't ya think

♫ It's about time to grow up and face the music

♫ It's about time

♫ One day I'd like to be

♫ As mature as my son, who is twelve and a half

♫ And this tall

♫ That's all I'd like to be, that's all

♫ It's about growing up, getting older,

♫ Living on a lover's shoulder

♫ Learning love is not a crime

♫ It's about time

♫ It's about time

♫ It's about time

♫ It's about

(singing in a foreign language)

♫ Jason dear, hello

♫ Are you packed and waiting

♫ But before we go

♫ Let me speak with Father alone

♫ Now as the bar mitzvah nears

♫ Jason, put your Walkerman on and hum

♫ Since this is the last loving thing

♫ We'll probably ever do together

♫ Let's act adult and not go crazy

♫ Have you chosen yet who'll cater

♫ What about it

♫ I know a person who can cater

♫ It's a personal decision who should cater

♫ Can we consider who's gonna cater

♫ Shhh ♫ Please

♫ Shhh ♫ Please

♫ Shhh ♫ Stop

♫ This is so much crap

♫ Throw a simple party

♫ Religion's just a trap

♫ That ensnares the weak and the dumb

♫ Hey stop with the prayers

♫ How can you stop with the prayers at a bar mitzvah

♫ The whole thing's voodoo

♫ And I know more than you do

♫ This is the year of Jason's bar mitzvah

♫ We're more excited than we should be

♫ This is the year of the child

♫ When he spreads out his wings

♫ There's music in his heart

♫ His life's about to start

♫ His body's going wild

♫ My child

♫ My child

♫ Our child

♫ Children, please

♫ Throw the kid a celebration and relax

♫ I'll bring women from the wrong side of the tracks

♫ We'll have a ball

♫ I guess I'll have to raise this Jason myself

♫ Isn't he a jackass ♫ Yes he is

♫ My own bar mitzvah was a miserable occasion

♫ Isn't he too much ♫ Yeah, but so are you

♫ The cause for such abrasion in my family

♫ Really, kiddo, so are you ♫ Jesus, what an jackass

♫ It still gives me hives

♫ Jason, where's my hug

♫ This is the year for Jason's bar mitzvah

♫ This is the year for Jason's bar mitzvah

(doorbell rings)

♫ Look, look, look, look, look

♫ It's a lesbian from next door

♫ Followed by her lover

♫ Who's a lesbian from next door too

♫ And I've got food for you

♫ Delicious food for you

♫ Nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine

♫ Ah...

♫ Here's dietetic knishes, gefilte fishes

♫ Food that's from the heart

♫ So take a bite and see

♫ If all your friends agree it's good

♫ Yummy yummy yummy yummy

♫ Yummy yummy yummy yummy

♫ Yummy yummy yummy yummy yum

♫ We'll have one perfect time

♫ We'll spend billions of dollars

♫ Conga!

♫ We'll have flowers galore whooo

♫ And the band will sound fine whooo

♫ There'll be chandeliers set round the room

♫ With the men in tuxedos

♫ There'll be food, like food never before

♫ What a day to remember

♫ This is the year of Jason's bar mitzvah

♫ They're more excited than they should be

♫ This is the year of the child

♫ When he spreads out his wings

♫ There's music in his heart

♫ His life's about to start

♫ His body's going wild

♫ My child

♫ Child ♫ Child

(audience applauds)

♫ Dot Nardoni, Tiffany Axelrod

♫ Zoe Feinstein, Angelina Dellibovi

♫ Bunny Doyne, or what's-her-name

♫ Mo Cristofaro and Ellie Mazie Rosenthal's

♫ Really well built

♫ When Heather Levin stares at me

♫ Why do I wilt

♫ I like when Julie Johnson

♫ Does splits in her kilt

♫ Of these girls

♫ Which should I invite to my bar mitzvah

♫ I've a problem to flaunt

♫ I don't want the girls I should want

- Batter up!

- Woohoo! - Stay focused Jason!

- Do your exercises! - Here we go buddy.

♫ I want girls for whom I lust

♫ Girls who wear a lot of makeup

♫ Girls who smoke and show their bust

♫ Girls with whom I always wake up

- Strike one!

♫ Would they come though

♫ If they were invited

♫ And not laugh at my Hebrew

♫ And not laugh at my father and his friends

- Strike two!

♫ Excluding them, I find exciting

♫ And I'm left with them, I'll be inviting

♫ Selecting girls for one's bar mitzvah

♫ God, that's the miracle of Judaism

- Strike three, you're out!

♫ That'd be the miracle of Judaism

- I'm proud of you!

- All right buddy you'll get 'em next time.

(all talking at once)

♫ We're sitting

♫ And watching Jason play baseball

♫ We're watching Jason play baseball!

♫ We're watching Jewish boys

♫ Who cannot play baseball, play baseball

(audience laughs)

♫ We're watching Jewish boys

♫ Who cannot play baseball play

♫ I hate baseball, I really do

♫ Unlike the rest of you

♫ I hate baseball

♫ We really wish he'd take this more seriously

♫ It's weird how he swings the bat

♫ It's weird how he swings the bat

♫ Ohh

♫ Why does he have to throw like that

♫ We're sitting

♫ And watching Jason make errors

♫ The most pathetical errors

♫ We're watching Jewish boys

♫ Who almost read Latin

♫ Up, battin'

♫ And battin' bad

♫ Remember Sandy Koufax

♫ You can do it if you wanna do it

♫ Take heart from Hank Greenberg

♫ What, it's not genetic

♫ Even you can be copacetic

♫ I think, I think

♫ I think you can, I think you can

♫ We're sitting

♫ And watching Jason play baseball

♫ We're watching Jason play baseball

♫ We're watching Jewish boys

♫ We're watching Jewish boys

♫ We're watching, slide, Jason

♫ Slide, Jason slide

♫ What is he doing here

♫ What are you doing here

♫ Jason asked me to come

♫ Since he asked me to come, I came

♫ Just what I wanted at a Little League game

♫ My ex-husband's ex-lover

♫ Isn't that what every mother dreams about

♫ Having at a Little League game

♫ Looking at Whizzer is like eating trayf

♫ The kid was out

♫ The kid was safe

♫ The kid was out

♫ The kid was safe

♫ Hey I love baseball

♫ I love Jason

♫ That's what I'm doing here

- Hey, where the hell did they get that umpire?

Sorry.

♫ Look who's here

♫ Say hello

- Hello.

♫ You're looking sweeter than a donut

- Marvin.

- Whizzer.

- Is he still queer?

♫ Am I queer?

- I don't know!

♫ Does it matter?

♫ It's been so long since I could tell

♫ Sit in front of me

♫ I wanna see the hairline

♫ C'mon, c'mon

♫ Move in front of me

♫ It gives me pleasure to see the hairline

♫ Since it's the only

♫ Physical imperfection I can find

♫ I wanna see it

♫ I wanna touch it

♫ I wanna run my hands through it

♫ We're sitting

♫ And watch the kid as he misses

♫ We're watching Marvin throw kisses

♫ We're watching sixty-seven pounders

♫ Watching Jewish boys miss grounders

♫ Watching boys field, boys bat

♫ Boys miss, boys bat

♫ Watching Jason on deck

♫ Swinging the bat

- Hey, Jason!

- Oh, hi, Whizzer, glad you came!

- Hey, can I?

♫ Keep your head in the box

♫ Don't think of a thing

♫ Keep your head in the box

♫ Your eye on the ball

♫ Take a breath, then let it out and swing

- See, that's what I'm talking about.

That's how it supposed to look.

♫ Keep your head in the box

♫ Don't think of a thing

♫ Head in the box, eye on the ball

♫ Take a breath, then let it out and swing

- Okay, go get 'em!

- Thanks Whizzer.

♫ When he bats, he looks good

♫ Just remember he's psychotic

♫ He looks damn good, but he's cheap as dirt

♫ Even maniacs can charm

♫ Which he does, so beware

♫ And just be careful

♫ When he smiles that smile, avoid him

♫ Or else sound the alert

- Whizzer? - Marvin?

- Do you think there's any hope for the kid?

- I love Jason, but this is not his venue.

(Marvin and audience laugh)

♫ How could I know, without him

♫ My life would be flat as a lake

- Batter up! ♫ That it is

- Okay Jason you gotta stand closer to the plate!

♫ Yes, it is

- He's gonna be hit by the ball.

♫ Please, God, don't let me make the same mistake

♫ We're sitting

♫ And watching Jason, the batter

♫ We know our cheering won't matter

♫ It is the very final inning

♫ And the other team is winning

♫ And there's two outs, two strikes

♫ But the bases are loaded and

♫ Would it be possible to see you, or to kiss you

♫ Or to give you a call

♫ Anything's possible

♫ Jason hit

(loud crack)

(audience cheering)

♫ the ball

- Run!

- A Day in Falsettoland, Dr. Mendel at Work.

♫ I don't get it

♫ I don't understand

♫ In the '60s, everyone had heart

♫ In the '60s, we were all a part of the same team

♫ In the '60s, we had a new world to start

♫ Could this, oh God, don't say it is

♫ Could this be the new world we started

♫ Here I sit, brokenhearted and

- You go out on the street,

and there's all these people asking for a handout.

Then you go home, you open up your mail,

and it's full of people asking for a donation.

Then, you turn on the TV, and there's pictures

of starving children in Ethiopia.

- And how does that make you feel, Diane?

- Caroline.

- Caroline!

- Yes, my name is Caroline.

♫ I don't get it

♫ I've been left behind

♫ Half my patients yuppie pagans

♫ Modeled on the Ronald Reagans

♫ Now the world is too pathetic

♫ And I don't get it at all

- Now that I got the promotion,

can I finally stop sleeping with my boss?

- Time's up!

- (laughing then crying) You always do this!

(audience laughs)

♫ At least there's Trina at home

♫ Trina in bed

♫ Trina obsessing

♫ And sort of caressing

♫ My head with her feet

♫ I once thought it was sweet

♫ But I don't anymore

♫ Now I just snore

♫ 'Cause I'm so exhausted

♫ Listening to these yuppie farts complain

♫ Listening as their shallow hearts explain

♫ Their lives

- Trina works it out

♫ Marvin's back with Whizzer

♫ Just like how it was

♫ If I don't like Whizzer

♫ It's because my ex sure does

♫ Why should that upset me

♫ Sometimes I'm a lout

♫ Mendel serenades, and Jason calms me

♫ Why should I be wilting

♫ When their precious love is not in doubt

♫ Work it out

- The neighbors relax after work

♫ How was your day at the hospital

♫ Unbelievable, what is that smell

♫ Nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine - Oh, honey.

♫ I've been practicing

♫ Cuisine, bar mitzvah, nouvelle

Well?

(audience laughs)

♫ How was your day

♫ It was terrible

♫ Did you hear that Marvin's back with Whizzer

♫ Marvin's back with Whizzer

♫ Drop it, sweetheart, give it up

♫ You know I love you

♫ What's the matter, Trina darling

♫ I don't get it

♫ Why can't you let go

♫ Maybe in a mile, I'll be okay

♫ I'll be happy when we finally have this bar mitzvah

♫ Isn't it enough I want you every night

- Who?

- Every other night?

- Me?

- Every third night?

Okay, let's drop it.

♫ Everything will be all right

♫ Everything will be all right

♫ Everything will be all right

♫ How was your day at the hospital?

♫ It was wonderful

♫ For the first time in months

♫ Nobody died

- Yay?

(audience laughs)

♫ There were just heart attacks and gallstones

♫ Light bulbs up the ass

♫ Fake appendicitis which was gas

♫ Which I diagnosed, people overdosed and I saved them

♫ I saved young people, old people

♫ One priest and one high school principal

♫ Saving lives, I feel invincible

♫ Yes I do

♫ Do you know how great my life is

♫ Do you know how great my life is

♫ Saving lives and loving you

♫ She saves lives and I save chicken fat

♫ How'm I supposed to deal with that

♫ Do you know how great my life is

♫ Yes, I know how great your life is

♫ Do you know how great my life is?

♫ Yes, I know how great your life is

♫ Do you know how great my life is?

♫ Yes, I know how great your life is

♫ Saving lives and loving you

- Ha, it bounced twice

♫ No, it didn't

♫ Yeah, once, then twice, you know it did

♫ That's not nice

♫ No, it isn't but you're a pain in the ass

♫ You're a beast but at least when you play me, you win

♫ Yeah you give up

♫ I perspire

♫ Where's the heat, where's the fire

♫ Used to be, you desired a fight

♫ So fight

♫ So play

- One-two-three-four!

- One-two-three-four!

One-two-three-four!

- One-two-three-four!

One-two-three-four!

- One-two-three-four!

- One-two-three-four!

One-two-three-four!

(audience laughs)

♫ Lucky dink

♫ I'm finessing

♫ Something stinks in how you play

♫ Don't you think it's a blessing

♫ I'm so pathetically bad

♫ Just stay back, serve with force

♫ I'll attack and, of course

♫ I will win, just give in to bliss, and kiss, c'mon

♫ Let's go

♫ Do you know - Down the alley!

♫ All I want is you - High lob!

Low drive, sailing shot! ♫ Anything you do

- Into the corner! ♫ Is all right

♫ Yes, it's all right - Four walls.

♫ Do you know? (laughing)

♫ All I want is you - Dink.

What? - What?

- Uh, hit your shoe.

- No, it didn't.

♫ Yes it did, the game is through

♫ That's not nice ♫ No, it isn't

♫ God, you're a pain in the ass

♫ Play it raw, don't play pretty

♫ Sex and games in New York City

♫ Have got to be played with flair and passion

♫ And passion and flair

♫ Do you know all I want is you

♫ Do you know how great my life is

♫ Everything is all right

♫ Everything looks all right

♫ Everything will be all right

♫ Everything will, everything will

♫ Feel alright for the rest of your life

♫ Feel all right for the rest of your life

♫ Feel all right for the rest of your life

♫ Feel all right for the rest of your life

♫ Feel all right

♫ Feel all right

♫ Feel all right for the rest of your life

♫ Feel all right for the rest of your life

♫ Feel all right for the rest of your

♫ Rest of your

♫ Everything will be all right

(audience applauds)

♫ Just look at me

♫ I'm a world-class traveler

♫ Each Friday night

♫ Travel travel travel

♫ From her house to his house

♫ First take the 104

♫ With my computer

♫ I am just a little kid

♫ Not a commuter

♫ And each Sunday night

♫ Mother comes to get me

♫ And I hear them fight

♫ Everybody's yelling about the bar mitzvah

♫ It's not a wrestling match

♫ Why are they sweating

♫ It's not a funeral

♫ What's so upsetting

♫ It's a celebration

♫ Where I get presents

♫ But everybody's yelling

♫ And everybody's ruining it

♫ It's a celebration

♫ Where I get richer

♫ But everybody's yelling

♫ And everybody's ruining it

♫ Everybody's ruining it

♫ Why, oh, why

♫ What have I done that they'd ruin my bar mitzvah

♫ What have we done that we'd ruin your bar mitzvah

♫ I want the Applebaums

♫ They're lovely, and they like me

♫ They're boring

♫ She just likes the way you dress

♫ Well, who wouldn't

♫ Have the Applebaums

♫ Screw the Applebaums

♫ Please don't do this

♫ Saul's a jerk

♫ Have them ♫ Nix them!

♫ Long live the Applebaums, arguing takes work

♫ I hate this ♫ Blame her it is all a waste

♫ You're gonna blame me

♫ You have paintings of dicks

♫ Don't talk to me about taste

(audience laughs)

- Stop, I don't want a bar mitzvah, okay?

I don't want a bar mitzvah!

♫ What do you mean you don't want a bar mitzvah

(audience laughs)

♫ What do you mean you don't want a bar mitzvah

♫ How do you think we

♫ How do you think we

♫ How do you think we feel about that

- Okay.

(audience laughs)

Here we go, all right, over here please.

♫ Jason I am agitato grande

♫ Jason, I am muy disgutante

♫ And muy disappointe

♫ And muy nauseatus

♫ And me mitzraim hotzionoo dayenu

Okay.

♫ Everyone hates his parents

♫ Don't be ashamed

♫ You'll grow up, you'll come through

♫ You'll have kids and they'll hate you too

♫ Oh, everyone hates his parents

♫ But, I confess, you grow up, you get old, you hate less

♫ But I don't want it

♫ Nothing that gives them pleasure I'll do

♫ I don't want a bar mitzvah

♫ Stupid bar mitzvah, any bar mitzvah, with you

♫ Everyone hates his parents, that's in the Torah

♫ It's what history shows

♫ In fact, God said to Moses,

♫ "Moses, everyone hates his parents, that's how it is"

♫ And God knew, because God hated his.

(audience laughs)

♫ You are gonna kill your mother

♫ Don't feel guilty, kill your mother

♫ Rather than humiliate her

♫ Killing your mother

♫ Is the merciful thing to do

♫ Jason, darling, don't get nervous

♫ I'm right here, and at your service

♫ Look, I'm calm and self-deluded

♫ Grateful, 'cause I hope you'll do what I pray you'll do

♫ Go ahead and kill your mother

♫ Not with guns, but kill your mother

♫ Rather than humiliate her, killing your mother

♫ Is the merciful thing to do

- Oh my God.

(audience laughs)

♫ Everyone hates his parents

♫ Now, I see why, but in time they'll cool out

♫ And you'll think they were only fooling

♫ It's a strange thing about parents

♫ Push turns to shove

♫ What was hate becomes more or less love

♫ Jason, please see a psychiatrist

- I'm a psychiatrist, get lost!

Call the Applebaums, work it out,

pick out a gorgeous centerpiece, thank you.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

♫ Everyone hates his parents

♫ This too shall pass, you'll grow up

♫ I'll come through, I'll have kids

♫ And they'll hate you too

♫ Oh, Everyone hates your parents

♫ But kid I guess you'll grow up

♫ I'll grow up ♫ You'll get old

♫ I'll get old ♫ And hate less

- Flip me! - You got it!

- Whoo!

♫ And hate less

(audience applauds)

♫ It's been hot

♫ Also very sweet

♫ And I'm not usually indiscreet

♫ But when he sparkles

♫ The earth begins to sway

♫ What more can I say

♫ How can I express

♫ How confused am I by our happiness

♫ I can't eat breakfast

♫ I barely tie my shoe

♫ What more can I do

♫ If I say I love him

♫ You might think my words come cheap

♫ Let's just say, I'm glad he's mine

♫ Awake, asleep

♫ It's been hot

♫ Also, it's been swell

♫ More than not

♫ It's been more than words can tell

♫ I halt, I stammer

♫ I sing a roundelay

♫ What more can I say

♫ I'll stay calm

♫ Untie my tongue

♫ And try to stay

♫ Both kind and young

♫ I was taught

♫ Never brag or shout

♫ Still it's hot

♫ Just like how you read about

♫ And also caring

♫ And never too uncouth

♫ That's the simple truth

♫ That's the simple truth

♫ Can you tell

♫ I have been revised

♫ It's so swell

♫ Damn it, even I'm surprised

♫ We laugh, we fumble

♫ We take it day by day

♫ What more can I say

(audience applauds)

♫ People might think I'm very dyke-ish

♫ I make a big stink when I must, but goddamn

♫ I'm just professional, never too nonchalant

♫ If I'm a bitch, well, I am what I am

♫ Just call me Doc, don't call me lady

♫ I don't like to talk when I'm losing the game

♫ Bachelors arrive sick and frightened

♫ They leave weeks later, unenlightened

♫ We see a trend, but the trend has no name

♫ Something bad is happening

♫ Something very bad is happening

♫ Something stinks, something immoral

♫ Something so bad that words have lost their meaning

♫ Rumors fly and tales abound

♫ Stories echo underground

♫ Something bad is

♫ Spreading, spreading, spreading 'round

♫ Tell me how it tastes

♫ Tell me if it's good

♫ Tell me, dear, if you'd like seconds

- Stop!

♫ Go ahead and wound my pride

- Just stop.

♫ You're feeling very sick inside, well, okay

♫ So you've had a bad day

♫ I don't know what to say

♫ Look what's become of my doctor

♫ She's my doctor and I love her

♫ She's got passion

♫ She's intelligent and, Jesus Christ, a doctor

♫ Very wealthy and I love her

♫ Doctor of internal medicine

♫ I'm heartsick you're unhappy

♫ Life is crappy

♫ And you always see the glass half full, I'm nervous

♫ This is just too damn ridiculous

♫ She's my doctor and I love her, she's got heart

♫ My spirits sag when I read the magazines

♫ Men dressed in drag, next to their moms

♫ Fashion and passion and filler

♫ But not a word about the killer

♫ I like the ballgowns, but Jesus

♫ Something bad is happening ♫ Something bad is happening

♫ Something very bad is happening

♫ Something stinks ♫ Which she'd never say

♫ Something immoral, something so bad

♫ That words have lost their meaning

♫ Little things don't get in her way

♫ Rumors fly and tales abound ♫ What can it be

♫ Stories echo underground ♫ What can it be

♫ Something bad is spreading, spreading, spreading 'round

♫ Look, a virus has been found

♫ Stories echo underground

♫ Something bad is spreading, spreading, spreading 'round

- It bounced in.

- No, it didn't!

♫ Yeah it hit the line, you know it did

♫ Just begin

♫ Are you kidding, who's telling who how to play

♫ Let me live, please forgive me for winning one game

♫ Serve it up

♫ I attack

♫ Hold him down, keep him back

♫ Something's gone out of whack

♫ I hit! ♫ Good hit!

♫ My game

One two three four

- One two three damn it

C'mon, man.

- One two three four

One two three...

Good serve, Marvin.

- One two three four

- One two (breathes heavily)

It hit my heel.

- Don't be bitter.

♫ No big deal, the game is yours

♫ It's unreal, you're a quitter

♫ I can't go on anymore

♫ Be a jerk, my sweet bruiser

♫ Try and be a decent loser

♫ At least you could give me that

♫ Excuse me, I'm ready to go

I'm ready to go...

- Hey, I'm sorry.

♫ Do you know all I want is you

♫ Anything you do is all right

♫ Yes, it's all right

♫ Yes it is ♫ Everything will be all right

♫ Everything will be all right

♫ I was sure growing up I would live the life

♫ My mother assumed I'd live

♫ Very Jewish, very middle-class, and very straight

♫ Where healthy men stayed healthy men

♫ And marriages were long and great

♫ I smile, I don't complain

♫ I'm trying to keep sane as the rules keep changing

♫ Families aren't what they were

♫ Thank God there's a husband and a child

♫ Whom I adore

♫ But then there's more

♫ So many more

♫ There's always more

♫ Life is never what you planned

♫ Life is moments you can't understand

♫ And that is life

♫ I'm plain, I don't astound

♫ I hold to the ground

♫ As the ground keeps shifting

♫ Keeping my balance square

♫ Trying not to care about this man who Marvin loves

♫ But that's my life

♫ He shared my life

♫ Yes, that's my life

♫ Life is never what you planned

♫ Life is moments you can't understand

♫ And that is life

♫ Holding to the ground

♫ As the ground keeps shifting

♫ Trying to keep sane

♫ As the rules keep changing

♫ Keeping up my head

♫ As my heart falls out of sight

♫ Everything will be all right

♫ Everything will be all

♫ Whizzer, kid, you're looking very good today

♫ You had to see yourself a few days back

♫ I had a heart attack

♫ Jesus

♫ But today you seem to be

♫ On the way to recovery

♫ Oh Whizzer, I want to applaud

♫ It's days like this I almost believe in God

♫ Days like this I almost believe

♫ In God

- Hello!

- Hi! - Food.

♫ Rugelach, gefilte fish

♫ It's so good, you'd think it's Italian

♫ Also a soup made from chicken

♫ That, though un-exotic, is antibiotic

♫ Why, I'm up to my ass

♫ In a kosher morass

♫ For aches and croup

♫ Try my chicken soup

♫ Whizzer, kid ♫ So, let's begin

♫ You're looking very good today

♫ It's medicine

♫ You had to see yourself ♫ It could be we're both

♫ Going to cure you ♫ A few days back

♫ Me with my soup ♫ I had a heart attack

♫ She with her medication ♫ Jesus

♫ Such elation but today you seem to be

♫ On the way to recovery

♫ Oh, Whizzer, I want to applaud

♫ It's days like this we almost believe in God

♫ Days like this we almost believe in

Gefilte fish? - No.

Canadelach! - No. (laughing)

- Hi.

- Hi! - Hi.

♫ We had trouble parking

♫ Just like on our second date

♫ I hyperventilate

♫ But since I'm parking in the city, I've improved

♫ Or else the hydrants moved

- (laughing) Nobody?

Okay. (audience laughs)

♫ Go ahead, be good and pissed

♫ 'How can I help?'' says the wiry psychiatrist

♫ He'll make you well!

♫ Right.

♫ I'll make you well

♫ Whizzer, hello

♫ Gee, you look awful - Jason!

♫ I think you need to play some chess

♫ Jason, sit down and begin

♫ I'll let you win, Whizzer

♫ Don't let me win

♫ I'll let you win

(everyone singing at once)

♫ But today you seem to be

♫ On the way to recovery

♫ Oh, Whizzer, I want to applaud

♫ It's days like this we almost believe in God

♫ Days like this we almost believe in God

♫ Days like this we almost believe in God

♫ Days like this we almost believe in

- What is this?

- Gefilt-ee fish!

- Gefilt-ah fish?

- Right!

♫ You're looking very good today!

- Your turn.

♫ God

♫ Jason, if you want a Bar Mitzvah

♫ God knows, you can have a Bar Mitzvah

♫ But I have to know and I have to know now

♫ Just what it is you want

♫ I've addressed the invitations

♫ Here's your chance to give me Hell

♫ If you think it's bust

♫ Then it's probably just as well

♫ Can't we wait 'til Whizzer gets better

♫ Can't we wait 'til he's up

♫ That's what bar mitzvahs should be all about

♫ Good friends close at hand

♫ Don't you understand

♫ We can't be sure when he'll get better

♫ When, or if, he'll ever get better

♫ But the hall is booked

♫ And the band's been retained

♫ So, Jason, please

♫ What we'll do is your decision

♫ There's no right and there's no wrong

♫ Just say yes or no

♫ And we promise to go along

♫ Finally, now, it's all my decision

♫ Like it's my bar mitzvah

♫ Just like nothing happened

♫ Hell, let's have a party

♫ Just like nothing happened

♫ Why don't you make this dumb decision yourselves, okay

♫ Why don't you make this dumb decision yourselves

♫ We'll have the bar mitzvah

- No. (audience laughs)

♫ Then, we'll cancel the bar mitzvah

- No!

♫ We'll wait until you make a decision

- Now what do we do?

♫ Why don't we tell him

♫ That we don't have the answers

♫ And that life can be grim

♫ Life's not all about him

♫ And things rarely go according to plan

♫ Tell him things happen

♫ For no damned good reason

♫ And his lack of control

♫ Kills what's best in his soul

♫ And this is the start

♫ To his becoming a man

♫ Holding to the ground

♫ As the ground keeps shifting

♫ Trying to keep sane

♫ As the rules keep changing

♫ Keeping up my head

♫ As my heart falls out of sight

♫ Everything will be all right

♫ Who'd believe that we two

♫ Would end up as lovers

♫ Do you want me to reply

♫ Him and me, you and I

♫ Passionately lovers

♫ Please don't get morbid

♫ Right ♫ It's just

♫ Don't fight ♫ That I haven't died yet

♫ Just stop it ♫ I'm sick, but kicking

♫ Geez Louise ♫ All right

♫ Good night ♫ I'm staying here

♫ In this spot whether you want me to or not

♫ I'm staying

♫ Here I am, by your side

♫ One old horny lover

♫ Please go home and don't be scared

♫ What's the fuss, I'm not scared

♫ What good is a lover who's scared

♫ Hit me if you need to

♫ Slap my face or hold me till winter

♫ Oh baby, please do

♫ I love you, too

♫ My lover

♫ Marvin, just go home and turn on TV

♫ Drink a little something till you're dead

♫ Think of me around

♫ Sleeping soundly in our bed

♫ Marvin, did you hear what I said

♫ Shut your mouth, go to sleep

♫ Time I met a sailor

♫ Are you sleeping yet or

♫ What is what, Whizzer

♫ But I can't help but feeling I've failed

♫ Let's be scared together

♫ Let's pretend

♫ That nothing is awful

♫ There's nothing to fear

♫ There's nothing to fear

♫ Just stay right here

♫ I love you

♫ Shhh, maybe he's tired

♫ Shhh, maybe he's waiting for us

♫ Shhh, Maybe he's waiting for a visit

♫ Is it a bad time, We'll come back

♫ If it's a bad time, we'll come back

♫ We'll come in

♫ Look at us, four old friends

♫ Four unlikely lovers

♫ We don't know what time will bring

♫ I've a clue ♫ I have too

♫ Let's look like we haven't

♫ And each say nothing

- Sky! - It's blue!

- I love the sky. - I love the trees.

♫ I love bad weather

♫ I love the earth beneath my feet

♫ I love friends that hover

♫ Gee, we love to eat and we need something sweet

♫ To love

♫ What a group we four are

♫ Four unlikely lovers

♫ And we vow that we will

♫ Buy the farm, arm in arm

♫ Four unlikely lovers with heart

♫ Let's be scared together

♫ Let's pretend

♫ That nothing is awful

♫ There's nothing to fear

♫ There's nothing to fear

♫ Just stay right here

♫ I love you

♫ I love you

♫ I love you

♫ I love you

♫ Who'd have thought that we four

♫ Would end up as lovers

(audience applauds)

♫ Hello, God

♫ I don't think we've ever really spoken

♫ If you'd kindly allow

♫ How about a miracle now

♫ I don't know if you exist

♫ I can't hear your fingers snappin'

♫ Are you just a big psychiatrist

♫ Or, can you make things not happen

♫ Do this for me and I'll get bar mitzvahed

♫ In exchange for

♫ Could you please make my friend stop dying

♫ I am not naive

♫ It won't be easy

♫ But if you could make my friend stop dying

♫ God

♫ That'd be the miracle of Judaism

♫ That'd be the miracle of Judaism

♫ Something bad is happening

♫ Something very bad is happening

♫ Something that kills

♫ Something infectious

♫ Something that spreads

♫ From one man to another

♫ Okay

♫ When the doctor started using phrases like

♫ "You'll pass away"

♫ What could I say

♫ I said Doctor

♫ In plain English tell me why was I chosen

♫ Why me of all men

♫ Doctor, here's the good part

♫ At least death means

♫ I'll never be scared about dying again

♫ Let's get on with living while we can

♫ And not play dumb

♫ Death's gonna come

♫ When it does, screw the nerves

♫ I'll be eating hors d'oeuvres

♫ It's the roll of the dice and no crime

♫ You gotta die sometime

♫ Death is not a friend but I hope in the end

♫ He takes me in his arms and lets me hold his face

♫ He holds me in his arms and whispers something funny

♫ He lifts me in his arms and tells me to embrace

♫ His attack

♫ Then the scene turns to black

♫ Life sucks

♫ People always hate a loser and they hate lame ducks

♫ Screw me and shucks

♫ That's it, that's the ball game

♫ I don't smoke, don't do drugs

♫ And then comes the bad news, I quit

♫ That's the ball game

♫ It's the chink in the armor

♫ The unresolved karma, the blues

♫ Can I keep my cool despite the urge to fall apart

♫ How should I start

♫ I would cry if I could but it does no damn good

♫ To explain I'm a man in my prime

♫ You gotta die sometime

♫ Death's a funny pal with a weird sort of talent

♫ He puts his arms around my neck and walks me to the bed

♫ He pins me up against the wall and kisses me like crazy

♫ The many stupid things I thought about with dread

♫ Now delight

♫ Then the scene turns to white

♫ Give me the balls to orchestrate a graceful leave

♫ That's my reprieve, to go out without care

♫ My head high in the air

♫ It's the last little mountain I'll climb

♫ I'll climb

♫ You gotta die sometime

♫ You gotta die sometime

♫ You gotta die sometime

♫ You gotta die sometime, sometime

♫ Sometime, sometime

♫ Sometime, sometime

♫ Sometime, sometime

♫ Whizzer, hey

♫ Suddenly it all came clear

♫ I said, let's have my bar mitzvah here

♫ Surprise

♫ This was Jason's brilliant idea

♫ And I brought the prayer shawl

♫ Oooh it's Jason's bar mitzvah

♫ Don't you move

♫ Everything will soon be great

♫ Close your eyes

♫ While we redecorate

♫ I'll unwrap the billion hors d'oeuvres

♫ And someone, please, eat them

- Photo!

♫ Oooh, it's Jason's bar mitzvah

- Okay, nice.

♫ Lovely, flowers make things lovely

♫ Champagne makes things lovely, too

♫ Everything's amiss

♫ Drink up, anyone for bubbly

♫ Probably, it's doubly useful at a time like this

♫ Cheers ♫ Cheers

♫ And aren't things lovely

♫ I feel more helpless than I have in years

♫ Try this on

♫ Mendel, get this thing in gear

♫ Please excuse me if I interfere

♫ But I feel that, since I'm the host

♫ It's me who should toast him

♫ Oooh, oooh

♫ To Jason's bar mitzvah

♫ I notified the nurses

♫ Told them please to not intrude

♫ I passed around the food

♫ And dumped some extra food

♫ 'Cause, Lord knows, we've got plenty

♫ She's cooked for some 200 guests

♫ We number not that many

♫ Actually, we're seven

♫ Maybe it's not dumb

♫ The way this whole thing ends

♫ The food tastes really yummy

♫ Oh, mummy

♫ The flowers seem to sparkle

♫ The candelabra sets the tone

♫ I must make things lovely

♫ The wine is very soothing

♫ Soothes the something, something

♫ Someone needed soothing

♫ Put everything in its place

♫ I think, perhaps, I'm overdressed

♫ I think, perhaps, it doesn't matter

♫ Ready for the band

♫ That you are ♫ Here we are

♫ Jason's bar mitzvah looks

♫ Like the books say it should, cheers

♫ And aren't things lovely?

♫ Everything is lovely

♫ I feel more helpless than I have in years

♫ Here he comes

♫ Fix his tie

♫ Trina, try to make him smile more

♫ Don't know why

♫ But he looks

- Relax, relax.

♫ Like Marvin

♫ How did you turn out so great

♫ Who do I thank for the man you've turned into

♫ Kid, do you know how proud I am

♫ If I don't show

♫ How proud I am

♫ You hold my dreams kid, I burst at the seams

♫ 'Cause of you

♫ Son of Jacob, Isaac, and Abraham

♫ Son of Marvin, Son of Trina, Son of Whizzer, Son of Mendel

♫ And godchild to the lesbians from next door

♫ Sing oh, sing

(singing in foreign language)

- Thank you.

♫ What would I do if I had not met you

♫ Who would I blame my life on

♫ Once I was told

♫ That all men get what they deserve

♫ Who the hell then threw this curve

♫ There are no answers but who would I be

♫ If you had not been my friend

♫ You're the only one

♫ One out of a thousand others

♫ Only one my child would allow

♫ When I'm having fun

♫ You're the one I wanna talk to

♫ Where have you been

♫ Where are you now

♫ Who would I be

♫ If I had not loved you

♫ How would I know what love is

♫ God only knows, too soon

♫ I'll remember your faults

♫ Meanwhile, though, it's tears and schmaltz

♫ There are no answers

♫ But what would I do

♫ If you had not been my friend

♫ All your life you've wanted men

♫ And when you got it up to have them

♫ Who knew it could end your life

♫ I left my kid and left my wife to be with you

♫ To be insulted by such handsome men

♫ Do you regret

♫ I'd do it again

♫ I'd like to believe that I'd do it again

♫ And again and again

♫ And what more can I say?

♫ What more can I say?

♫ How am I to face tomorrow

♫ After being screwed out of today

♫ Tell me what's in store

♫ Yes, I'd beg or steal or borrow

♫ If I could hold you for one hour more

♫ One hour more ♫ One hour more

♫ One hour more ♫ One hour, one hour more

♫ What would I do

♫ If I had not seen you

♫ Who would I feast my eyes on

♫ Once I was told that good men get better with age

♫ We're just gonna skip that stage

♫ There are no answers

♫ But what would I do

♫ If you had not been my friend

♫ There are no answers but what would I do

♫ No simple answers but what would I do

♫ If you had not been

♫ My friend

♫ My friend

♫ My friend

♫ Homosexuals

♫ Women with children

♫ Short insomniacs

♫ We're a teeny tiny band

♫ Lovers come and lovers go

♫ Lovers live and die fortissimo

♫ This is where we take a stand

♫ Welcome to Falsettoland

(audience applauds)

(piano medley)