Original subtitles

Jojoba!

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Whatever happened to soap?!

What's jojoba?

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

See, in Glasgow, that's the month before November.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hello, there. I'm Billy Connolly, and this is the Florida Keys.

I live here now.

So I'm going to show you around, show you what I get up to.

Boom! 'I'll also be showing you some old comedy stuff

'that means a lot to me.'

Don't move, you'll stand on one of my bollocks!

So kick the dog off the couch, have a nice time.

Can I have this total black-out now, are we ready to roll?

Humour is a great gift, nobody knows where it's from -

why you can say words in a certain order

and people fall about holding their stomach.

The house lights now.

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Connolly!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'I've never questioned what makes things funny.'

They're funny and that's it.

I swear, but I'm a complete hypocrite.

I don't do it in front of my kids, you know?

But I've invented swear words that I CAN do in front of them.

One of them is B-A-S-A. If you say it fast,

it's quite convincing, you know, "Eh, ya basa!"

LAUGHTER Sounds quite good.

But you're not swearing, your conscience is clear,

it's dead sneaky.

Another good one is G-E-T-I-F-U - getifu.

If you do it fast along with basa, it's quite handy.

"Getifu, you basa!

"You, you basa, getifu out of there!"

'I've always loved playing around with words.'

Sounds quite good. I sleep like a baby, completely clear conscience.

'But it's taken me until now to put enough of them

'in the right order to write a book about my life.'

PAMELA: Billy... guess what I got.

Oh. Your books have arrived.

I'm so excited. PAMELA LAUGHS

Let's have a look at it.

I'd better be handsome on this cover.

I think you probably are.

Ah...

Oh, that'll do. That's very good.

See, I told you I looked better in a T-shirt.

PAMELA LAUGHS

It's the exact same feeling as your first album.

They would turn up with a box and they'd bring them out

and you'd see the cover.

And you'd think, "This is what Elvis gets."

That's OK, that's OK, that's a good one.

I couldn't have written it ten years ago

because I was involved in touring,

and I've never been one for writing it down.

Live it. Do it. Then, afterwards, have a look at it,

and see what you want to say about it.

Connolly to cockpit!

'I've called my book Windswept & Interesting,

'after something a friend once said about me. The label stuck.'

'And after that, I simply had to maintain my reputation.'

I've changed my mind about what it means from time to time.

I now think it is behaving as you think you should,

and not giving a toss about anybody else's opinion.

# Talk about the things That nobody can

# Going out in things That nobody wears... #

Just have a few ideas of your own - it'll do you no harm at all.

The world's a fuckin' madhouse!

Hooray! Fuckin' hooray!

But there's still some people fuck it up.

People make life awful for other people.

And I think one of the types of people

who should be slapped into place, forthwith,

are the people who go like this.

Now, where the fuck did this come from?

LAUGHTER

I don't know where or when this fuckin' started.

Punctuating in the air.

It's off its fuckin' head.

I believe they're "married". Fuck off!

You just want to grab their fingers and say,

"Fuckin' stop it!" "Eugh!" LAUGHTER

Stop that, up the arse, eugh!

I hate it!

I believe he's a... "comedian".

When anybody does it to you, punctuate everything you say.

Use commas, full stops, semi-colons, that really fucks them up.

Say, you know... I said this...

LAUGHTER

You know, I was saying that to my wife only yesterday.

I said, "Darling."

APPLAUSE She said, "What?"

I said, "Oh, shut up!"

See how far they get with that, the bastards.

Every day, things make me angry.

That's the way your life is supposed to be.

You're supposed to get happy and angry and sad.

Feel all these different things.

You can't help it, and on stage, it seems to magnify.

Have you ever played with real good darts players? Aren't they weird?

They're hooked on subtraction, it's the funniest fuckin' thing.

They can subtract like computers.

You know, and they hate people who can't.

If you're playing with them and you go, "Doo, 57.

"Oh, fuck. 57." LAUGHTER

"Er...

"57 fae 501...

"57, that's 50... 57...

"50 is 40 fuckin' what, 40... 43,

"and the one, 500... 4-4-4!" "Ooh, well done (!)"

Boom! "Oh, fuck. 57 again."

"Right, we'll take the 40 away, that's 17.

"Plus the four... Fuck."

Oh, they-they HATE you!

You can see there's loathing coming out of their eyes.

"Cannae subtract, you bastard."

I love the colours. Look at the pink inside.

It's so great. Yeah, it's lovely, the pink.

The best picture is Flo cuddling you - top left.

Yeah.

That's my big sister.

I was brought up in Glasgow,

and there was three families on every floor, on every landing.

And on every half landing, there was a toilet.

I thought it was brilliant,

cos the seat was never, ever cold in winter.

A wee pink arse had just left it. You go, "Ohhh!"

That's where I first noticed that when you go to the toilet,

you completely lose your identity, you completely forget who you are.

You forget your own name.

Maybe you've noticed this yourself? Or not until just now!

Maybe you'll remember, when somebody tries the door...

and you answer, "There's somebody in!"

LAUGHTER

Even in your own house.

Even if there's only another one person in your house.

"There's somebody in!"

As you reach for the lock...

And sometimes you're too late...

You're kneeling with your arse in the air...

..saying to someone towering above you,

"I said, there's somebody fuckin' in!"

This is the farmers' market, I usually shop here with Scarlett,

my daughter. Yes.

She carries things for me, and buys me stuff.

I've got the money. THEY LAUGH

'I didn't settle in Florida Keys, my wife settled in Florida Keys.'

With all the furniture.

Weaver honey. Would you like some? Yeah.

'She sold my house and moved to the Florida Keys

'and gave me the option.'

Would I want to come or not?

# I'm going up the country Baby, don't you wanna go? #

18 dollars. Thank you.

# I'm going up the country Baby, don't you wanna go? #

Let's see, do we need a juice? I think we do.

OK. Shall we get juice?

What was the one we got the last time? It was great.

This is, er, watermelon. That's right, watermelon.

This is a good place.

There's a lot of old hippies live here

and people who refuse to be old, and it suits me lovely.

Thank you. Thank you very much!

Watermelon juice. What's become of me?

It's a decent wee market. It's good to swan along in the sun.

People do yoga. You can stand and... hate them...

..as they bend backwards. You bastards.

I did it in LA, everybody's folding like a clasp knife.

And you're standing farting in a corner.

SCARLETT LAUGHS

MAN: Hello, Billy. Hello!

It's Jim. We've met several times. I stalk you.

Oh, yeah, yeah! He pesters me everywhere I go.

I do, I pester him.

I'm nice to him because he's in a wheelchair.

I saw you in Philadelphia in concert several times. That's right.

And I just love everything about you and your personality.

Would it be OK if I did a selfie with Billy real quick? Of course.

Billy remembers me now as his stalker.

I told him to leave you alone, Billy. I'm so sorry.

OK, ready? One, two, three. PHOTO TAKES

Next time I see you, I'll duck behind something.

Yeah, you better duck quick, though.

You never know when I might sneak up on you.

It's lovely to see you again. Lovely to see you too.

You take care, and cheers.

'I was in Toronto a few years ago, I was making a movie.'

And I got five days off in the middle of it,

which isn't really unusual.

And I'm very much a creature of habit.

I do the same thing most days.

And in every town I play in the world, I have a walk that I do,

the same walk. I have one in London,

but I'm not telling you what it is, cos you'll follow me.

LAUGHTER You'll want a fuckin' selfie.

Actually, I don't mind doing selfies,

but please, if you ever meet me and you want a selfie,

have your stuff ready. LAUGHTER

Don't make me stand there as you go through your fuckin' bag

looking for your camera...

because it looks as if I've asked you to do it, you know.

ALL: Whoo!

How many times have I told you not to eat your dessert first?

Many times.

And what do you do? I couldn't give a fuck.

Pamela teaches dance, and she's written a musical

about a guy whose name was actually Bum Farto.

He was head of the fire brigade.

And he had a lot to do with the importation of cocaine,

and he ran Key West, and it all ended up in disarray.

And Pamela has written a musical about it.

And they all sing and dance.

She's a clever little bugger.

That's me about ten or 11.

I was really unhappy then.

I grew up in a very "thou shalt not" society.

My people who brought me up didn't like the jolly things in life.

I wanted a party like everybody else.

And it wasn't too much to ask.

LATIN MUSIC

That was lovely, wasn't it? Yeah.

Nice to see the young people enjoying themselves.

LAUGHTER

It was a tough upbringing, but I survived it.

And it was made great by my friends.

I could see by their houses

and their atmosphere and their families

that it could be done right, that whatever was wrong,

was wrong with my family - it wasn't wrong with the world.

So, I learned from that - if I ever got married,

I would live like them and be funny and cheery with my children.

I took my children, they're lovely wee girls,

and they're very bright, and they're lovely wee things.

And I had a camper van thing, it was an American one,

so it was kind of flash and it was...

Like, it had video and stereo and blah, blah, blah.

And the girls were all in the back, you know, driving,

and the dog was with us, and we toured Scotland,

and I took them to where the salmon leap into the air... Whoosh!

It's a wee place, it's not one of those big flashy touristy places.

It's a wee place nobody knows. "Come on, I'll show you this."

There's salmon leaping up the waterfall...

I said, "Ooh, yeah!" Blah, blah, blah.

Trees, mountains, rivers...

We stayed in a castle, and my wife and I went out

and we got branches and made a nest in the garden.

And then we got... mangoes, it was, and we put them in this nest

and we said, "There's a dragon's nest in the garden."

We're all down there, "Quick, the dragon's coming back!"

We'd all run back in the house.

It was one of those holidays, it was brilliant.

And they were sitting on the couch, you know, and I said,

"Right, that's the holiday finished, did you have a nice time?" "Yes."

And I said, "What thing did you like best

"of everything we did, everything, what did you like best?"

And I thought it would be the salmon leaping

and the pipes playing and the fuckin' heehaw...

So there was a little get-together on the couch...

MIMICS WHISPERING

And Daisy was elected the spokesperson.

She said, "Sesame Street." LAUGHTER

"What?" "Sesame Street." It was a tape in the car.

It was the best thing on the holiday.

So we fuckin' stay home now.

Did you ever have a s'more? I never had one till I came here.

Mmm. That's delicious.

That's a great s'more.

There's nothing like a s'more to make you full of s'morishness.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, yes...

Marshmallow and chocolate and... a Graham cracker...

cures all ills.

It's better than...

..chicken noodle soup.

SHE LAUGHS, LATIN MUSIC

I wish I could dance like that.

I'd be unstoppable.

BILLY STRUMMING GUITAR

# Our little dog is six years old

# And smart as any damn kid

# But when you mention the V-E-T

# He damn near flips his lid

# Words like S-H-O-T, shot

# Or W-O-R-M, worm

# These are words

# That make him S-Q-U-I-R-M Squirm. #

His name's Django. And he's about a year old.

He was born during the lockdown, and he's a lovely dog,

he's a very cosy dog, he sleeps with me.

What have you found?

I'm a doggie kind of guy, you know, I like doggies.

I've got two Labradors,

and I bought all those books about how to train them,

and how to come round here, and thing,

and run and stay and thing...

But no book I've ever bought teaches you how to stop them

sniffing people's crotches.

HE INHALES DEEPLY

You just... "For goodness' sake," you know?

SNIFFS

In Scotland, they're up people's kilts at the back,

"Oh!"

A big nose against the inside of the thigh,

"Oh, my God!"

It's a terrible habit.

And... HE SPLUTTERS

And you go, "Oh, I'm awful sorry about that."

And people say, "It can probably smell my dog."

And you go, "Oh!"

LAUGHTER

"Fair enough, live and let live, you know...

"We'll draw a discreet veil over that,

"and you can trust me never to tell a soul."

YAPS

What are you doing?

Barking at people?

You falling out with everybody?

I've talked more about dogs than cats in my comedy,

but there's a cat story I used to tell,

which is now one of my all-time favourites.

It's joined the pantheon of things I am proud of.

I got it from Liam Neeson,

and I took it on stage and fiddled about with it.

It's very encouraging that you can take reality

and dress it up and make people fall about laughing.

There's nothing nicer, let me tell you.

The story is about a man on the crew for Rob Roy,

who couldn't find the film location,

and ran into some trouble on the way.

So, the guy is lost in the Highlands,

and he's sweating, he cannae find the film company,

going, "Oh, fuck."

and he turns right into a village,

it's a typical Scottish Highland village,

just two rows of houses and a road,

he turns right, and he's trying to fold the map at the same time,

he looks up just too late

to save a cat that's run across the road,

a big tom cat.

HE MIMICS CAR SCREECHING

HE MAKES THUDDING NOISE

Hits it with both sets of wheels, you know.

"Oh, fuck. Poor bastard."

He gets out, and he looks back, and there in the gutter,

about ten feet back, there's a cat,

"Yow, yow, yow,

"ow, yow, yow, yow."

This is a bit specially for cat lovers.

"Ow, yow, yow, yow, yow, yow."

He says, "Oh, Jesus, it's in misery.

"Where's my tool box?"

Gets a hammer,

and he goes up to the cat,

"Sorry, pal, if it was up to me, this wouldnae be happening,

"but, unfortunately, this is the way of all flesh,

"cheerio." HE MAKES THUDDING NOISE

Right in the face.

THUDS "Meow, meow, meow!"

THUDS "Yow, yow..."

THUDS "Yow!"

No sooner has he done it, than the cottage door opens...

..and a big woman comes out with flour up to her elbows,

she's been making scones all day,

like every decent Scottish woman should.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing..."

LAUGHTER

"..hitting my cat in the face with a hammer?"

WHISTLING IN AUDIENCE

You don't get many opportunities in your life to ask that question.

"I was inside making scones

"and I saw you hit him in the face with a hammer,

"you fuckin' psychopath.

"Are you fae Glasgow, by any chance?"

"Oh, you don't understand, missus, I hit it with my van."

"What, was the hammer not good enough for you?"

"No, I hit it with the van first.

"And that put it in agony, then I hit it with the..."

"Oh, and that makes it all right, does it?"

"No, you don't seem to understand. I was just...

"I'll tell you what I do understand, you're in deep shit.

"Charlie! Charlie!"

The next door cottage door opens, and a policeman comes walking out,

"Aye, what seems to be the trouble, Heather?

"I hope you've got a good excuse here,

"I was just about to interfere with myself there..."

LAUGHTER

"The smell of them scones was turning me right on."

She says, "This bastard hit my cat in the face with a hammer."

"What you doing, hitting cats in the face with hammers?"

"Oh", he says, "it was in agony."

She says, "No, it wasnae, Charlie, it was sunbathing,

"I was making scones and I looked out the window

"and I saw it sunbathing,

"and he walked up and hit it in the face with a hammer."

"Oh, you don't understand," he says,

"I hit it with my van."

He says, "Oh, was the hammer not good enough for you?"

"Oh, give me a break."

He said, "I'll tell you what,

"come on, we'll have a look at that van of yours."

So they go along and see the van,

and it's got those rubber mudguards at the back,

he pulls it up and he looks under,

and in the wheel arch, there's a dead cat.

Shock is an intrinsic part of comedy.

The shock of the punchline from nowhere

just gets people where they live, they love it.

It's the same as children when you go, "Whoo!"

They go, "Ah!"

"Again." You go, "Ah!"

"Whoo!" "Again."

The audience are like that, they love being shocked,

they love being horrified, they love laughing.

"Oh, baby..."

When I talked about sex in my routines,

people would sometimes be shocked, but they'd find it funny.

LAUGHS

Nobody in the audience says, "Oh, for God's sake.

"Talking about bums and willies, how awful. How childish.

"I think I'll leave and get a hamburger."

I am consumed, consumed,

by trying to last a decent length of time.

So, you have to not think about sex in order to last longer.

There's nothing stranger than a woman going,

"Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

"Ah! Ah! Ah!"

And the guy going, "nine fours are 36,

"nine fives are 45." You see?

You have to make sure that you put yourself in a position

which is the same position as the audience.

You're as blind as they are.

I don't know about you,

but the nine times table does it for me every time.

Just telling it like it is,

it's a joyous, free field to plunder.

Who called it a blow job?

What a funny name!

For that act.

I've been fortunate enough...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..in my short but colourful life,

to have experienced this very act.

And as memory serves me,

there's not much fuckin' blowing involved.

LAUGHTER

And I think something should be done about that.

It should be explained to people,

setting out on the wonderful world of sex,

"Look, you don't blow during a blow job.

"You could hurt somebody."

HE MAKES EXPLOSION NOISE

Boom!

"Don't fuckin' move...

"I'm going to put on the light here.

"Don't move, you'll stand on one of my bollocks."

Scrotum like this...

..like a wet shammy hangin'.

'The whole world is like that.

'People pretending to know what stuff is,'

and, lo and behold, they don't know.

It's taking the awkward bits of mating,

and exposing them for the awkward things that they are.

Pamela and I are going out for the night on a tiki bar,

we're taking the bar with us!

PAMELA GIGGLES

# One can have a dream, baby

# Two can make a dream so real... #

It's a lovely idea, floating along on a bar,

even though I don't drink.

I'd love to take it up the Clyde!

This is about the top speed, right? Full speed right now.

Full speed, yeah, I thought so.

# It takes two, baby

# Me and you... #

I met my wife Pamela in 1979

when we did a sketch together on Not The Nine O'Clock News.

The first time I saw her

she was whizzing past the door on a tea trolley,

she was on the top, like Superman. And went, "psshhh".

I thought, "I think I like her."

NOT THE NINE O'CLOCK NEWS STING

Well, hello.

And tonight, I'm talking to Billy Connolly,

a well-known Scottish comedian.

I was kind of shocked

because he kept laughing in the middle of the sketch,

he was laughing at my teeth,

and I thought it was a bit unprofessional of him.

Billy, I understand that when you first came to England,

people had a lot of trouble understanding your accent?

LAUGHTER

Is that right?

Sorry?

I thought she was a cracker.

And I thought she would be hanging out with university guys,

because that's who she was working with.

Dennis, wilt thou leave this woman, who is thy wedded wife,

dost thou dislike her, despise her,

hate the sight of the moth-eaten Snoopy doll she's had since college,

and despise her brother, the chartered surveyor,

who invites himself for dinner

and drinks thy Scotch after you've gone to bed?

I thought that would be her taste,

and then she came to see me in Brighton,

and I realised... that I was her taste.

Right, Pamela?

If you say so. THEY GIGGLE

I was still drinking then.

And we were sitting at a table.

And I was getting merrily pissed.

And Pamela went to my room, with the key,

and phoned me from there,

and said, "Isn't it time you come upstairs?"

And I did, and we've been together ever since.

That's so embarrassing. Billy, really.

It's not embarrassing, it's romantic.

See that? That's my wife's birthday.

I'm not trying to be trendy, it's my wife's fuckin' birthday.

I check it every two weeks to see if I've blown it again.

That's it there.

It's a heart, with a swallow, and "Pamela".

It was her birthday and I'd forgotten,

and one of my daughters called me,

I went straight to the tattooist and got it.

I came home and I said,

"I haven't got you a present but, bingo."

I don't forget usually.

I've taken to dropping big hints.

These days, Pamela's a highly qualified sexologist,

a rather limiting subject, I think.

How can you study something that only lasts seven seconds?

Pamela, Dr Connolly!

Years of study, relentless, fuckin' study, study, study,

writing a huge dissertation at the end of it,

fuckin' tome, a tome!

And is seriously pissed off,

because this year, Glasgow University gave me one for fuck all.

Now...

I thought she'd never speak to me again.

"You bastard!"

HE MUTTERS: Thank you very much.

The gown and all the fuckin' shit...

I was thinking of getting a brass plaque for the door, you know?

Incidentally, I do prescriptions.

If you want to get shitfaced, I'm your man, now...

I love when she's talking to her friends at home,

and I walk in and I go,

"I'll never forget my university days...

"Well, day."

This is a picture of my wedding day in Fiji.

We hired a bagpiper, and we got the local choir,

and we had them do the music from The Archers,

HE HUMS: # Da-da-de-da-da-da-da

# Da-da-de-da-da-da Da-da-de-da-da-da-da

# Dan-da-diddly-dum. #

And they said, "What are the words?"

We said, "They're the words.

"Rum-te-tiddly-um-te-tum."

It was the best wedding I've ever been to.

There's my daughter Cara, me, Pamela...

..Scarlett, Jamie, Daisy and Amy.

That's my family.

We're a rather good-looking lot.

It's the best wedding picture ever.

Elephants can swim 20 miles a day.

In your life, you can improve your education by drinking Snapple.

You take the lid off...

I do this every day.

When would they ever get to swim 20 miles?

They don't all live in the jungle, some of them live on the coast.

And they go for a swim...

as part of their daily routine!

We've had a lovely evening cruising around here,

and we'll go back, there's a guy who cooks for us,

he will cook us something.

Life is lovely.

This is my new shirt.

Pamela bought it for me.

My favourite shoes.

Good and Evil.

I care.

I know I look as if I don't care, but I actually care.

'Today I'm going to be on The Graham Norton Show,

'and my daughter Scarlett's helping me to get ready.'

Can I do a little? She steals my clothes.

I do.

I'm actually surprised

I'm not wearing something of yours right now.

I usually am.

I'm wearing his clothes more often than I'm not.

PRODUCER Five, four, three...

Ladies and gentlemen, a very special welcome, please,

to Billy Connolly!

APPLAUSE

'The first talk show I ever did was Parkinson in 1975.

'I told a bum story on it that shocked the pants off people.'

You've gotta rattle the box every now and again.

Give the world a shake.

A guy came up to me in the street,

I hope I can get away with this, it's a beauty.

There's a circus performer in all of us who wants to say,

"Look at me walking the tightrope."

He said, "Did you hear about the one,

"the guy who done his wife in and that?"

And I said, "No."

He said this guy was going out to meet his friend in the pub,

and he went down, he said, "Hello, how's it going?"

He said, "Fine, fine." He said, "How's the wife?"

He said, "Oh, she's dead." "What?!"

He says, "Dead, out the ground, dead, I murdered her, forget it."

He said, "You're kiddin' me on!" "No, no, this morning, dead."

He said, "Oh, look, I'm not talking to you

"if you keep on talking like that."

He said, "Please yourself, I'll show you if you want."

He said, "Aye, show me."

So they went up to his tenement building, through the close,

that's the entrance to the tenement. LAUGHTER

Into the back green, into the wash house, and sure enough

there's a big mound of earth...

but there's a bum sticking out of it.

LAUGHTER

He says, "Is that her?"

He says, "Aye."

He says, "What do you leave her bum sticking out for?"

He says, "I need somewhere to park my bike."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It had a spectacular effect, especially on Parky,

he just lost it.

LAUGHTER

Are you cracking up?

'Hello, Billy, it's Ian here!

'I'm just gonna make the studio feed live for you now,

'and we'll be coming to you shortly.

'Can we...? Are we able to just rotate the phone back and forth?'

Yes. 'And then if you can put it back to where it was now,

'it'll go back the right way. That's it, perfect.'

'Right, time to meet our remote guest tonight.'

What more can I say? This man is quite simply a comedy legend.

Please welcome Sir Billy Connolly!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Yay!

'Whoo!' Hello.

'Hello, thank you so much for joining us.

'You've finally written an autobiography.'

How do you define being windswept and interesting?

'There are some rules to being windswept and interesting.'

I just made them up when I was writing the book!

My rules are that you do as you please,

don't take lessons from anybody, be as you are, and you'll be happy.

And it's quite true.

'Dame Eileen Atkins is here. Now, you saw him perform live.'

I saw you perform at Madison Square Garden,

I'd gone to an Elton John concert.

'Oh, yeah.' And you were the warm-up act.

'That's right. A nightly exercise in terror.'

LAUGHTER

They used to boo.

And there was a crowd in front of me of about 150.

They just said...

CHANTING: Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!

And I had to do the act and sing some funny songs,

and it was a nightmare.

It was the first night of an American tour

and it wasn't my audience, it was Elton John's audience,

and they made me feel as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.

LAUGHTER

Listen, it's been an immense pleasure having you on the show.

Thank you so much for spending time with us, it's been lovely.

Give it up for Sir Billy Connolly! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Aw!'

That's it.

'Brilliant. Cheers, Billy, and thank you everyone there, we're all done.'

Thank you very much! It went well.

It's very weird doing it on Zoom, it loses a certain...

..quality.

Like if I was there, I would be looking at Lenny,

and saying something to him, and he would say something to me,

and Graham would be there, and the three of us would laugh at it.

We'd make a thing that didn't exist before.

That's fun, but with Zoom, you don't get that.

It's good to still be Billy Connolly, you know,

because here I'm somebody else.

But in Britain, I'm that Billy Connolly figure.

And it's nice to be him again.

I'm in my 50s now,

and doctors become obsessively interested in your prostate

as soon as you turn 50.

Your prostate lives up there,

it's part of this, but it lives up the back there,

and it's a round thing, kind of like a doughnut,

and his job is to check that it hasn't become a bagel yet.

Right.

There are two ways in.

One is a camera through the hole in your willy.

Fuck that.

LAUGHTER

The other way is up the bum with the KY Jelly and a finger,

which is not my idea of a good time,

but much easier than a camera crew crawling up your dick.

LAUGHTER

I was very ill, I'd been in Mexico on holiday

and it was... I got very sick.

And I went to a proctologist, your actual bum guy,

who's not interested in any other bit of your body, he's a bum guy.

Can you imagine doing that every morning?

Getting up and going in. Anyway, he stands.

I'm like this.

He's here.

And he puts the...

Now, my doctor always does it from here.

He's at the side, right?

And I thought, "Ooh, fuckin' weird."

Finger up the bottom.

"Oh, for fuck's sake."

But he's messing around in there.

He's looking for the lost treasure of Sierra Madre.

LAUGHTER

And then he gives me this almighty...

HE SQUELCHES "Fucker!"

HE WAILS

And at the same time, with his other hand, this is the truth...

he grabs my willy.

LAUGHTER

I went, "Oh, fuckin' wait a minute!

"What is this?

"What's going on here?

"I've a good mind to call a constable!"

He grabs my willy.

He treats me like I'm a cow, fuckin'... "Moo-o-o-oo!"

And he's fuckin'...

And he's got a piece of glass.

And this stuff goes...

HE SQUELCHES

"Oh, for fuck... Help!

"Help!"

There's stuff coming out my willy, onto the...

"Help! Help!"

He took it away and examined it in the microscope there,

came back and he says, "Well, it's all clear."

"So you mean that was for fucking nothing?!"

LAUGHTER

The finger going into your arse...

is less than pleasant.

Coming out isn't the worst fucking thing that ever happened to me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is beautiful downtown Key West,

and this is my favourite shop, Books & Books.

It's owned and run by Judy Blume, the author.

'Judy's famous for writing novels

'that have taught generations of young people

'about relationships and sex.'

Ah, Judy! Hello!

How lovely to see you. Welcome!

We're very happy that you have found your way into our bookshop.

Oh, I love it. Thank you.

It's so lovely to see a banned section.

It makes it a very healthy shop. We are rebels, right?

Oh, we must be. We are rebels.

It's an absolute must.

Stay Sexy & Don't Get Murdered.

Is that a great title? Yes. Go, enjoy yourself.

Thank you very much.

There's something delightful about buying a book.

I got a great autobiography in here by Gabriel Byrne, the actor,

it's the best autobiography I've read in years.

The lady's bullied me into getting it.

She's hiding behind the door, ready to pounce with another.

What should I get?

What's struck you?

Ah...

What's that?

A Little Devil In America.

It's about the performance of African American artists.

Oh, great.

There's a great, great chapter in there about Merry Clayton,

the back-up singer for the Rolling Stones.

Oh, yeah. And that Gimme Shelter song.

Gave me goosebumps.

A good book, a cup of tea and a McVitie's digestive.

That's my ultimate happiness.

There's a great documentary film about backup singers.

20 Feet From Stardom. 20 Feet From Stardom. And...

She's in there. She's in that?

She's in the book, it's brilliant. You'll like it.

My pleasures are very simple.

It's fishing on a nice river... in nice weather.

I like watching the football.

My favourite noise is the near miss.

At Hampden Park, you get 70,000 people,

you used to get 100,000, or 130,000, I think is the record,

but, eh, it's about 70-odd now.

And the park's in stony silence, and everybody's Scottish,

because no-one else comes to Hampden Park.

The English have an unwritten rule

they only go to places where they might get home from.

It has a carnivorous feel, Hampden, you know?

Penalty kick, last minute of the game.

The loneliest man in the whole world.

Except, of course, for the keeper...

..who's the loneliest man in the universe.

HE WHOOSHES

Past the post and 70,000 people go, "Ooh!"

ECHOING

It's orgasmic.

"Oh-h-h." ECHOING

And a big giant exclamation mark

comes out of the top of the stadium.

Straight into heaven.

And Jesus says, "Fuckin' hell, was it that close?"

And the guy sitting next to you,

there's always an expert sitting next to you...

..he says, "Did you see that?"

And you say...

"No.

"I was reading Wuthering Heights.

"I just couldnae put it down.

"I always bring a good book to these matches...

"..in case there's a penalty in the last minute...

"..you prick."

I didn't even know I was in that book.

It's a great book!

It's out of print, though, you've got to find a used copy.

Satiristas, I never even heard of it.

Is there nothing in it that says you have to give me money

if you meet me? SHE LAUGHS

I didn't know I was a satirista.

I'm really proud and happy to be one.

I thought I was too working class to be a satirista.

'Books were my ticket to the world.

'I'd read everything I could when I was a schoolboy.'

It made me think differently about everything, and it still does.

'I still read a lot.

'I don't know where it came from but it got instilled in me by myself,

'that no matter what I did,

'everything would be fine if I kept reading,'

and it worked out just dandy.

'I wish I could tell you that anything else I was taught at school

'changed my life like reading did, but it wouldn't be true.'

I was always shit at mathematics, I was never, ever good.

And I don't care, I don't give a shit.

Algebra was a mystery to me.

"Connolly, 1A plus 1B?"

HE CHUCKLES

"You're taking the piss, right, sir?

"You can't count letters, you can only count numbers, silly!

"Unless, of course, I was absent...

"the day we did the B times table."

I have never used algebra since the day I left school,

not a fuckin' moment. No-one's ever asked me.

I've never seen anybody using it,

I've never heard of anybody who once used it,

and I would hate anybody who fuckin' tried to use it.

Can you imagine, you're going along the street in Brisbane here.

A tourist comes up,

"Excuse me, I wonder if you could direct me to the old windmill?

"Built by the convicts, I believe."

"Certainly, gimme a pencil.

"Right, let X equal the windmill..."

"Oh, fuck it, I'll ask somebody else."

When will you ever say "hypotenuse" again

after you leave school?

Why are they teaching us this shit?

They used to give me a bad time

for watching pigeons on the roof across from the class.

The pigeons were having sex.

I would watch it for hours,

and they kept turning my head back to the class, to the beige-ism.

The British have a great way of beige-ing everything down.

It's better to be bright and optimistic and have a laugh.

You pass this way but once.

Oh, there's that Bourdain, he's an interesting guy.

That's where the whole chef thing started. Chef stars.

Before that, it was those weird British ones.

A man with a blazer and a weird wife.

Do you ever hear that one? It was Fanny Craddock making doughnuts.

They got him to do the final words at the end of the show.

And he said, "Well, I hope you enjoy your cooking.

"I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's."

HE CHUCKLES

HE LAUGHS

I love jokes like that.

Could you put your plastic on that, my darling? Yes.

There you go!

Thank you very much.

Well, that'll do me. Off into the world again.

I like this open-air stuff.

We go down among the mangroves,

and have a sneak around and see what's cooking.

Sometimes, you get to see manatees, crocodiles, alligators.

It's all very jolly.

I made the decision to stand back from stand-up

because of my illness.

It was affecting the work that I do.

The sharpness was gone.

It rounded all the corners.

I've got absolutely no regrets. I feel great.

Here we go into the wild blue yonder.

There's no... "Hurry up, they're closing the doors. Hurry up."

'It's much more pleasant than that.'

There's a lovely silence.

Do you think there's any bitey things in here?

Yes, there's bitey things everywhere, that's what they do.

SHE CHUCKLES

I like all those mangroves all knotted together.

Yeah. Reminds me of Australia.

Australia, I don't need to tell you anything.

There's things up at Glenelg the size of fuckin' single deck buses,

"Ooh! Harrumph! Argh!"

Your fuckin' arse in one bite. "Harrumph!"

How many hints do you need that you're not welcome?

They've got jellyfish here, you cut them into a million bits,

the fuckin' million bits go after you.

Every one of them.

The fuckin' blue-ringed octopus, for Christ's sake!

Fuckin' blue-ringed!

How it wouldn't fit in the palm of your hand.

"This thing's in a bad mood."

HE SQUELCHES

You don't make it to the fuckin' phone.

HE SQUELCHES

"Oh, for fuck...!"

"What the fu...?"

I like when I look at the routine

and I see something I'm very proud of, and when I see it, I laugh.

Even in myself.

And it's the most pleasant feeling.

It's having done your job well.

# Hush, little darling Don't say a word

# I'm going to buy you A mockingbird

# Say, darling, say. #

Parkinson's disease has taken a lot from me.

I can't play the banjo any more. It's just a noise.

Most of the things I like to do. I can't yodel any more.

I used to like yodelling.

# Yodel-odel ehee-ehee ehee Woo-woo. #

I can't smoke cigars any more.

As it goes along, it's taken more and more of what I like.

And it's kind of painful.

But you have to have a Glasgow attitude and say,

"Oh, you think you've got me beat?"

Thank y'all.

"Try this for size."

I just deal with it. If I fall, I fall.

When I came to go in the kayak,

I tumbled over the kayak and into the river.

And it's just the way of life.

You get soaked.

You make an arse of yourself. You get back in and do it again.

I have to behave in a certain way

so my children don't think I'm a dead loss

and they don't feel sorry for me.

I want them to think, "He does well with what he's got."

And that's it.

No crocs today.

A bitter disappointment.

I think about death a lot.

'Not an excessive amount, but I think about it every day.'

I've seen people die and it's OK.

'It's not painful. You just go away.

'You exhale and it's gone.'

It's nothing to be frightened of.

It's just the next step.

I made my wife promise that on my gravestone, I would have,

"Jesus Christ, is that the time already?"

LAUGHTER

I just fancied having a laugh in a graveyard,

I'm not gonna be there anyway,

I'll be scattered in Loch Lomond or something.

But my wife had a bit of a problem with,

"Jesus Christ, is that the time already?"

She was getting kind of shaky on it,

so I said the only other thing I'll settle for is tiny writing

in the middle of a big, big stone.

Wee, tiny writing that you have to go up and look at, like that,

and it says, "You're standing on my balls."

You'd go, "Oh, Jesus Christ!"

I sound like an end-of-the-pier preacher,

but be thoughtful and kind and it'll come back to you.

'You'll be blessed a hundredfold.'

There's only love, that's all there is.

'Buddhists think you come back as a recreation of someone else.'

I don't know. I'll settle for whatever they've got.

Well, that's it, for this time.

I've shown you what I get up to when you're not looking.

And it's a pretty good place to spend the time.

It's been nice spending it with you.

Good night.

MUSIC: 'For Once In My Life (Instrumental)' by The Funk Brothers

# For once in my life

# I'm not alone no more

# I'm not alone any more

# Ooh

# Ooh-Ooh-Ooh-Ooh

# Ooh-Ooh-Ooh-Ooh Ooh-Ooh-Ooh. #

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com