Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

(ominous music)

(crowd applauds)

- And do we have a peach of a day or not?

You know, it's my goal to get more jobs

to the people of this city than ever before.

Well, we have here the executive of Freedom Foods,

and we have them to thank for it,

so let's give them a big round of applause.

(crowd applauds)

- [Crowd] USA, USA, USA, USA!

(playful music)

(munching)

(screaming) (snoring)

- [Man] Oh God, it's got teeth.

Oh my God, let me through.

(screams)

- I forgot how to get... - Better run, everybody.

You can't stay, you can't stay.

One pass and I'm done.

I can't see. - I can you.

You're ascared of me.

(growling)

(gun fires)

- Oh, hello, Principal Johnson.

You just missed movie time.

(bell rings)

Oh. (kids cheering)

Alright, kids.

Have a great weekend.

I'll see you next week; one more week of fifth grade.

Try not to act, uh, too upset.

- I just had to see for myself.

Congratulations, Sam?

This isn't exactly school curriculum.

- It's the second to last Friday of the school year.

I just thought I'd reward them

with something a little more fun.

- What's Sam deserve congratulating for?

- He finally got one of his films into a big film festival.

- Oh!

Did he?

Oh, was it, Zombie Space Vikings?

Zombie Prom Night?

- There's something wrong with my face!

(screaming)

- Shirley no!

- Or was it, uh, something with babies?

- Zombie Abortion Apocalypse.

- Zembryos attack!

Sweet revenge, sweet revenge!

- Oh, oh, yeah that one, yeah.

- You have to admire his persistence.

- Dear, persistence can be a sign of insanity.

- Hyyy-ya!

- Easy.

- That, boys and girls, is our classic ninja

zombie kill move.

Well that's it for class today.

Parents, you should be proud of these little ninjas.

- And remember, next Tuesday is our home

invasion defense workshop.

- Yes parents, it's good practice

for those of you who do not want your kids kidnapped,

or raped, or raped by kidnappers.

- Kidnapping can really stunt a child's development.

- Hell yeah.

* I can't buy you dinner

- [Man] Popper, Popper!

- Hey, what the shit?

I'll just, I'll just stay down here.

- [Woman] You're gonna want to get up for this.

- Oh, I'm up.

- What can I help you with?

- Steve Popolopsis?

- My friends call me Popper.

What do they call you, baby?

Hot Pink?

- Oh you can call me whatever you like, Popper,

but you've been served.

- Oh, shit.

- Been served what?

A sexy-gram?

Fuckin' bitch.

- I get that a bunch.

You have a nice day, Mr. Popper.

- Popper don't preach, bro,

she done filed for D.

(laughing)

- Shut up.

Shut up!

- [Felecia] Mr. Pentergass, we thank you

for your short film submission, Deadbeat Zombie Dad,

to the 2016 horror film fest.

We are sorry to inform you Deadbeat Zombie Dad

did not make our final lineup in the festival.

The truth is your movie is a steaming pile

of shitnuggets, with the production value

of a home video shot by a deaf,

blind amputee that is drunk on cheap gin.

Please consider quitting filmmaking altogether,

maybe concentrating on digging ditches full time.

Hopefully you'll perish in a fire

or contract genital herpes.

Warm regards, festival director Felecia Fugate.

- Sweetie, how's my little Scorsese?

- Uh, yeah, mom, just a second.

- Sweetheart, I want that letter

to put in your book.

- This is not a good time, alright?

- Honey, all your friends are here already.

You've gotta come out.

Now get your tail out here, you're being rude!

(upbeat music)

- Hey.

- Hey. - Hey, congratulations.

- Yeah, thanks for coming.

- Course.

- Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.

- Hey, Horatio.

- Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!

Well, I guess a congratulations is in order.

- Thank you. - Sam, Sam.

It is not that I don't...

- 'Scuse me, bro.

- Hey, man. - Guys look!

Stoner cam!

- Hey that's awesome, man.

That's really cool.

- It's great, it really was,

It's not that I don't like Zombie Dad,

it's just that it is lacking something.

It's just, it's lacking something.

How would one say?

It is...

It is complete shit, Sam.

It is complete and utter shit.

Because you casted amateurs, Sam.

Amateurs. - Oh, yeah.

- And I know that Ocean Spray has his Megacuts commercial,

I know that.

I know that but I... - Yeah it's a good commercial.

- It's a pretty good commercial,

I will say that.

But everybody else, Sam...

- I'll be thinking

about you when I drop this deuce.

I've got a turtlehead saying let me out, let me out.

Move, bitch.

- No, Tibo, I actually really...

- That was lovely, Tibo, thank you.

- M-hmm.

- It is a wonder, Mr. Pentergass...

- Yes.

- If you're even talented at all.

- Great.

Thank you so much, Horatio.

Do you mind if I just kinda have my party?

- I'm leaving now, Sam.

- Okay.

Thanks, thanks for coming.

Awesome, Sam.

How you gonna get out of this one?

It's not like you can say, whoops, sorry,

I didn't actually read the letter.

(upbeat music)

- You're like a legit filmmaker now, bro!

We should team up, you know, make a movie,

like, what if like two guys travel across

the country on their motorcycles in search of America?

- Yeah, man, um...

I think that's already might've already kinda

been done, but we can do something else...

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Alright, I got another one.

I got another one. - Okay, alright, yeah.

- Two guys. - Okay.

- Wake up in the morning,

and their car is gone.

- Yeah.

Yup.

- What was up with that cheer uniform today?

I saw you at the rally.

- Shut it down...

- You were looking awfully cheerful.

- The new owners are making that place my prison.

- Mmm.

- But I got paid one hundred bucks

to put on the costume.

- Hiiya!

- Oh!

Alright, alright.

- Oh. - Oh, okay.

- Hey, hey baby.

- Die, asshole.

- Oh, asshole, sass, I dig.

You like to party?

- You wanna play?

- Mmm, yeah I wanna play.

- You wouldn't get anywhere near

this unless I was dead, or dead.

You have poop on your shirt.

It's gross. - Hi, y'all!

I have some Freedom Cakes fresh from the factory.

Eat 'em all up!

- I'm alright.

Thanks.

- Aw, they're good.

You have a good time!

- Thanks, Ms. Ecky.

- I think I'm going to vomit.

- Yeah, vomit.

- Sam, I, I had my kids make you cards.

- Nice.

Thank you.

Oh. - Yeah, and this one's mine.

- Nice!

Bros.

- Fuck off!

- Hey, hey.

- Your hair looks like my cousin's bleached asshole.

- Why you got so much aggression?

Be so pretty.

Your cousin bleaches her asshole?

Hey neighbor, you like to party and get naked?

I eat butt.

And not just on Fridays.

- You see that Tiffany chick?

She's here.

- Tiffany?

- Yeah.

Dude, I think she's in the kitchen.

- Yeah.

- She's really here?

- Yeah.

She's like an angel, man, I'm telling you.

I talked to her for a minute.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.

- We're twins.

- Twins?

Really?

- Identical.

- Identical.

- Hey guys.

- Hey.

- Sammy finally has a ticket out of here.

And a girl like Tiffany only thinks about

one thing; getting out.

- What are we talking about?

- Tiffany Taylor.

She's blonde.

- Mm...

- I touched her hair over there.

- Oh...

- Oh man, did you tell

her that you were going to do that?

- No I just went by and I swiped it.

(upbeat music)

- Oh!

Peter Anthony!

- So your little runt did it, huh?

- Yes he did.

And he's gotta go say something.

He can't just like, sit there.

You gotta go get him to make a speech.

- I think this could be a good thing

because he is such a good public speaker.

- Honey, please!

Oh, don't you be nasty!

- Congratulations, sis, I'm proud of you.

- I'm so proud.

I'm so proud!

Ah!

- Hey Spray, thanks for coming, man.

- Sammy.

- Hey Uncle P.

- How you doin'?

- Good, man, yeah.

- There's a mind-numbing fox walking

around this shindig.

Good work.

Normally you just have a bunch of pot-faced

losers, but um, you've got like have the town here.

- Yeah man, her name is Tiffany.

I was just getting ready to go talk to her.

- No shit.

- Oh come on, man, she's like half your age!

- Maybe some of you devils just showed up

'cause you heard my boy made a winning film.

Woo!

(crowd applauds)

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so,

I'm so so sorry, honey.

- No, it's alright, um... - They didn't they don't know

he didn't have such an easy way of it

when he was growing up.

Without his papa,

well, that lowdown, scumbag,

scoundrel, may he rot in hell forever.

- Okay.

- But anyway!

I always told him, I always told him,

what you think about, what you believe,

you can make happen.

And he did!

He did.

Save me, honey.

Save your mama.

- Oh okay.

Alright.

- I'm just so proud of you.

- Thank you, mom.

Thank you, seriously, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

- Uh, um, well everybody, um,

you know how much I love making movies, and uh,

so I want to thank you all for being here.

Um, you know, but the thing

is guys, um, well when I got the letter

in the mail, you know?

We did it!

We totally made it!

We're going to Hollywood!

Mom, we're going to Hollywood!

We're going!

(crowd applauds) We did it!

- [Crowd] Deadbeat Zombie Dad!

Deadbeat Zombie Dad!

Deadbeat Zombie Dad!

- Come here, sweetheart.

Listen, we're just going to slide out of here

'cause we're already late for our little girls' trip.

Now, we're going to be back on Sunday

and you better be sure that this whole place is cleaned up

by then, okay?

- Okay. - Oh I love you, sweetheart!

I am so proud of you!

- I love you, mom.

Thank you.

Okay, alright. - I love you so much.

Have a good time. - Thanks.

- Yeah!

- I'm so proud of you, dude. - I know.

- You killed it.

I love you, man.

- Sam?

- Hey! - Hey!

- Hey!

- Hey, I just wanted to say again how amazing

I think you did today.

- Okay.

- Um.

- Yuhuh.

- And I always knew you could do it.

- So yeah, no thank you.

So here's the thing... - So congratulations!

- No I, thank you so much!

Thank you! - Thanks.

- Pam.

So hey, here's the thing.

- What? - I did not get in.

I totally did not get in.

- What?

- No, absolutely not.

- Oh okay, I think you've had a little

too much to drink.

- I have.

And that's fuckin' great everybody.

So here's the thing.

You are great, and I, I appreciate it,

so thank you.

Thank you guys!

And I'm gonna, I'm goin' I don't know...

- Yeah!

You know what, where we're going?

Hollywood!

- We are kings of the world!

- I'm gonna punch you right in the dick.

- So, first of all,

you are great.

And you're very talented.

So I think that you should come out to the premiere.

Quentin Tarantino, you know Quentin Tarantino?

- Hey dude, look at all this hot ass!

- Yeah I know. - Look at all this hot ass!

- And so you need to know.

- To us.

- That you're pretty. - To us.

- And you should come to the show.

You can be in my next movie,

and that's really fucking great.

- We love you man.

- Dude, I love you.

- Dick punch.

Dick punch it.

- Sam?

* Just out, hanging around

- Sweetie?

How's my very own little Clint Eastwood?

- Mr. Pentergass.

Your movie is a steaming pile of shit-nuggets.

- No!

It was a mistake!

- Sam.

Sam!

Sam!

Sam! - Shit, what?

- Sam get your ass up.

Come on, we gotta go, we gotta go.

- What, man?

What the fuck?

- Ninja painting, bro, man.

We gotta finish colonel's house today

or we do not get paid.

Come on!

- Uh, shit.

- Fellas are already in the van.

Come on, let's go. - Are you kidding me?

- The dojo is not going to pay for itself.

- That's today, man?

- No it was last week.

What the fuck you think, man?

Come on get your ass up.

Come on, come on, man.

- Okay, okay, fuck it. - Come on.

Your place is trashed.

You're lucky your mom's not here, dude.

- Agh.

(laughing)

Dude, what the fuck, man?

- Here, here, here, clean your face off

you got some shit on your forehead. (laughs)

oh my God, that is bad.

- Aw shit, man!

Shit!

- Aw hell no, is that?

- This place is trashed.

You're lucky your mom is not here.

- Noodles!

Good girl!

Aww, good girl.

Yes you eat that up! - Oh hell naw.

- Oh! - That's disgusting, man.

* I don't want her - Come on, let's go!

- Dude!

You want to take a shit?

I've got a big yard.

Neighbors would love that, sorry, sorry!

Come on, would you come on!

- I'm sorry!

(intense music)

- I'm sorry, Sam-a-lamading-dong,

about last night but I had to let off some steam.

- No problem, man.

You're already drinking?

- Well it's Saturday, so I'm gonna get fucked up.

And then there's Janice, bitch is divorcing me,

so I hope she gets genital herpes

and poison ivy on her nipples in the same afternoon.

Fuck it, I'm getting wrecked!

You're a fuckin' mad man lying about getting

into the festival.

- Wait, what?

- Yeah, you said we were going to get

an apartment in L.A., asshole.

- Yeah, I was totally gonna get laid by a girl.

- And I think you should be with me

at the premiere and that's,

it's gonna be good for everybody.

And wait no,

I don't even know... - You charlatan!

- You know you are a dick.

And I don't, know... - Rejection letter?

- You shouldn't read that because here's the thing.

- No! - No because I'm gonna go,

because I'm gonna because I talked to his agent.

(laughing)

Shit.

- You know folks are going to have a heyday

with that one, maestro.

But don't worry about us, Sam,

I never really thought you got in.

- Thanks?

- You're welcome. - I did!

Dumbass.

I mean, the head smash in this last one

was the best one ever.

- Can you not hit so many bumps, Tibo?

I know I'm five minutes younger

than you but shit, learn to drive, man.

- Look man, that's what you get for polluting your body.

I told you before, your body is your temple.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

- Oh my gosh, are you really bringing that up right now?

The person who jerks off to pregnancy videos?

Yeah, tell 'em, Tibo.

Tell everybody Tibo your darkness,

your dark secrets of the of the mom's birthing

and the babies coming out of the vagina.

And he jerks off to that.

Argh, I need to stop.

- Dude, what?

- Listen, they're not pregnancy videos,

they're birthing videos.

Pregnancy videos are nasty.

Birthing videos are sexy and they're art.

- Whatever, your temple's just wrong.

- Dude.

- I haven't even tried that.

- Oh it's good, you should try it, man.

- Okay, okay, it gets kind of hot,

but it shouldn't be hot.

- See, when you see those thighs open wide

and that water break and, and she's wet, yo.

- Ah!

Oh God!

(yelling)

- Ow.

- Is that a walker?

We almost had grandma in the grill.

- What's wrong with her?

- She's old?

Mrs. Henry?

Mrs. Henry we are so sorry, are you okay?

Mrs. Henry?

Hey, you alright?

Let's get you back to your house okay?

Okay, here we go, there we go.

I love what you did with your flowers.

(farting)

Oh, okay.

Okay, Mrs. Henry I'm just gonna head back in,

you got it from here, right, yeah?

Okay, okay, uh, you should change your pants

- Did you hear that shit?

I mean, I'm gonna need therapy after that,

or a birthing video.

- Guys can we please just go?

It's like a dutch oven in here.

- You know what, there hasn't been a brother

like that in the state since,

and he gave him the ol' dipsy-do.

- [Waitress] Hi, what can I get for you?

- Just a root beer float.

- [Waitress] You got it.

- Hey, you're Pistol Love's nephew aren't you?

- Yeah.

- Man, we were just talking about him.

Hey listen, let me ask you somethin', son.

What's this bullshit lies we've been hearing

about you winning some sort of award or something?

- Uh, yeah, it was more of a misunderstanding.

I didn't win anything.

(sniffing)

- I smell bullshit boy, a big ol' steaming pile of it!

- Tell 'em, daddy! - Why don't you get

yourself a job and contribute something to society.

- Yo, Spielberg!

Nice one, guy.

I heard you notched up another rejection?

Going for a Guinness world record?

- How did you guys hear about this?

- I saw it on Instagram, I saw it on Instagram,

Instagram, Instagram, Instagram, son.

- [Sam] And now the young have shown up to feed.

I'm like an Easter ham.

This town is going to be chewing on my gristle for years.

- Well, if he's gone he's gone,

we still gotta paint.

And pick up two weeks of dog shit 'cause

we're late again.

- Well I got good news and good news;

Patton's gone and I'm divorced.

Let's paint.

(upbeat music)

Aw Jojo, you're killing me, man.

That ain't painting music,

we need some rock n' roll.

- Asian is good, too.

- Asian music?

- Zen, my brother.

- What happened to you?

Help me out Sam-alam-a-ding-dong,

what kind of music do you like to listen to?

Sammy?

You alright up there?

- Yeah, all good, man.

- Quit napping on the job, bitch.

Who wants a beer?

- I'm good.

- Guys, something was wrong with her eyes.

- Whose eyes?

- It wasn't her eyes that were the problem,

it was her ass.

Popper?

- It was her ass.

- Sam.

Sam?

What are you looking at?

- I don't know, man.

Give me a second.

Uh, guys, we got a problem up here.

- Yeah, we don't have enough beer.

- Shit!

Go, go, go!

We've got a problem, we've got a problem.

- Yo, yo, what the fuck's the problem, man?

- The colonel, man, he's fucked up!

Hide! - Be careful, man.

Slow down, man!

- Hey! - Come on!

- What, is he butt-naked or something?

- Sam!

- Shit!

Agh!

Ah, shit!

(yelling)

- Go, go, go, go, go!

- Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

- Go, go, go, Popper!

Go Popper!

- Shit!

Shit, shit, shit!

- Hey, watch out!

- Hey, what are you doing?

Wait, wait!

He's our only client!

- I know.

- What the fuck?

- Everybody move!

(yelling)

- Shit that wasn't even close!

What is that?

You had one shot!

- We'll be back once you fix yo' shit.

And sorry about your chair.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

- No, Jojo, let's stick around,

maybe play a little Backgammon.

- Did you see his face?

Did you see that shit?

- He's possessed by a demon!

Probably that Asian curse.

- There ain't no Asian curse, it's rabies,

and I ain't getting 18 shots in my abs.

- What the hell is that?

- Patton.

- Oh that's rabies.

- Well that's one dog you're better than, Sam.

What the hell are you going to do with that?

Cook him to death?

- You guys got all the good shit.

I'm trying my best.

- Shut up, guys.

Alright we're gonna make a run for it, alright?

We're gonna get to the van,

we're gonna lock the doors,

we're gonna get the fuck off this street.

- Alright, let's do it.

- Jojo, the ladle, man, you look ridiculous.

(glass breaking)

- My bad.

- Time to go, boys.

- Come on!

Let's go, go, go, go, go!

- Stupid ass.

- Who's got the keys?

- Me, me, me, me!

- Go, come on, come on, come on!

Popper come on!

Get the door, get it!

- Get the keys!

Let's go!

Put they keys in there, come on, man!

Go, go, go!

Would you just please go?

Tibo!

Go!

- Shit, man.

- Oh fuck. - We need to call the police.

- What? - We need to call the police.

- We are two months behind on our dojo rent,

he's our only client.

- Okay, at the very least we have to contact

the Humane Society and report this.

- You might as well report Sam too.

Hey, he's the one feeding Noodles vomit

pudding on the floor.

- You guys don't even fuckin' care.

- Sam.

- What?

- Your place.

- What the hell?

- Hey guys!

- Pam!

Uh, what are you doing here?

Guys.

- What?

I ain't saying nothin'.

- What are you doing here?

- Oh, uh, I knocked and the door was open,

and I came in and saw the place and, well.

It was not big deal.

- Thank you.

- No big deal?

There was vomit like, everywhere.

- There was?

- [Announcer] We interrupt your regular programing.

- Holy crap!

- [Announcer] This is the emergency broadcast system.

This is not a test.

Repeat, this is not a test.

State and local authorities have issued

a countywide warning. - Sam.

- [Announcer] Stay indoors, lock all doors and windows.

- Holy shit.

- The authorities will be issuing further

instructions through the emergency broadcast system.

- Sam, is that your mailman chasing Mrs. Henry's dog?

(dramatic music)

- Mom, please, please stop.

Mom please!

- There is something seriously

wrong, your mom is whack.

(moaning)

(bright music)

* Moments are such fleeting things *

* It's strange though

* What rapture one brings

- Sam?

Sam, Sam!

What the hell are you doing, man?

This is not a fucking movie!

Come on, let's go!

- Man we are not going to survive without this weaponry.

We need some damn guns.

- I don't have any guns, I have a camera.

- Who gives a damn?

- How are we the only people in Texas

that don't own guns?

- Let's go to my uncle's!

- [Together] Pistol's.

- [DJ] Alright, let's take a phone call here.

Good morning, you're live on the air

with Morning Fiasco.

There's nobody there.

There's nobody there.

Uh, guys?

(yelling)

(sirens blaring)

- Looks like we've got company.

Ready to whoop some ass, little brother?

- Yeah. - (laughs) Let's go.

- Wait!

Yeah, they're just regulars, man.

- Let's whoop their ass anyway.

- Pistol.

You here?

Uncle P!

Pistol?

Pistol!

- What the hell is going on here, huh?

Somebody better start talking, quick.

- You want the short or the long version?

- Short.

Very short.

- Alright, so the town has been overrun...

- Corsicana has been overrun

by bloodythirsty, crazed zombies.

They may be rabid.

Either way it's very bad.

We came to you for guns.

- Hey, any of these work?

- Does a pig shit turds, huh?

- Mhm.

- What kind of idiots gonna keep working

pistols in a roadhouse bar?

- None of these work?

- Did somebody say Pistol?

- Mr. Love strikes again.

Now what're we going to do?

- Are you kidding me?

- Shit happens, Sam, I'm sorry about that, okay?

Now the rest of you idiots, outta here,

the joke's over, go home.

- We're being serious.

(banging)

- Somebody open it.

- No, don't get it, don't get it!

Ibo, do not get that door.

- Who is it?

- It's Virginia, Dani... - It's Virginia, Dani?

- And Horatio! - And Horatio.

- Horatio?

Leave him out there.

- What?

Open the door.

(yelling)

- What the hell is wrong with you people?

- We got shot at.

What the hell is happenin'?

- They have got the entire town blocked off.

- I got it on my phone.

- There were bodies right in the middle

of the street.

- Oh Goddamn, oh shit!

Fuck me.

- Oh my God.

I am calling my dad.

- Can we have some guns?

- How is it that no one understands the guns

are for decoration?

- Pistol, we're pretty hungry.

You got anything to eat?

- Beer nuts, chips.

- Sweet.

- Sam, no more lies.

- Pistol, this is not a joke.

Something is seriously wrong here.

- What am I doing here with you people?

Pistol, take me home.

- It's like two for one night at the sizzler out there.

We need guns like, pronto.

- And ammo.

- And beer.

- Ammo.

- [Both] Jerky.

(speaks in foreign language)

(speaks in foreign language)

- Why exactly are we not sending

in the military to address this tragedy?

- Look, if these people want to kill themselves,

let them go at it.

Where I'm from, we call that trimming the herd.

- Trimming, trimming the herd!

- Now this is a perfect example of us

not taking care of our citizens.

- Citizens?

Who said they were citizens?

- No, no, no, no!

- Who the hell are you to judge who is an American?

- They would not be running wild in the street.

- The people of the Southern States are as American

as the rest of us.

If you were in this room I would bitch-slap

you right now.

(intense music) - Stay together.

* It

* Ain't real

- Man, this sucks.

I had plans.

- What?

- I was gonna finish my associates degree.

- Uh oh, look up here.

Hey, hey, Sam, check it out.

- Alright, get it.

Nice!

- Yeah, yeah!

What?

- You gotta hit him.

- For real?

- It's a zombie, hit it.

- That ain't right.

(yelling)

- Get it!

- Oh my God!

- Holy shit!

Yes!

* I'm losing myself

* I dunno when to brace myself

* I dunno when to brace myself

- Alright come on, let's go.

- [Reporter] This just in: the White House released

drone footage of the chaos in Corsicana.

I warn you these images are horrific.

The rioters are attacking innocent people in their cars.

- The town is right next to the Mexican border, no wall,

they're coming in, these damn illegal aliens

take over the town.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Did you see the footage?

What are you going to do?

Tell me; what are you going to do

when they come in and they beat down your door, hm?

Oh I'm gonna give 'em a hug.

No, I'll tell you what you want;

you want to get a gun, a big gun.

That's right a gun, so that you can protect your family

before they steal your dog and your daughter.

- Alright, guys, go over there.

(howling)

- I love this fuckin' country!

- Horatio get out of my frame.

- No, no, no, no, see, I am making my own movie.

- Seriously, really dude?

- Really, really, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm doing one about a shitty filmmaker making

a horror film and trying to use real zombies

to make his film, that's what I'm doing.

- You really think someone would watch that?

- Jojo!

- Keep your voice down.

- Beer!

- Sh, don't, don't!

- Yes.

- Don't move.

- Yes.

- Don't!

(laughing)

(intense music)

(gun firing) - Get out of here.

- Fucking A!

- Weapons work better with ammunition.

* It's making me sad now

* A little sad, yeah, yeah

* Gets me, memory

- What's going on?

- Seems like everyone thinks the bar

is the best place to be when all hell breaks loose.

- We're gonna be lucky if we even make it out

of this town alive.

- Jojo, you gotta stop looking at me

while I'm taking a piss.

- I, I'm not, what are you talking about?

- And it doesn't matter anyway,

wasn't that always the case, I mean come on, man.

How come my movies never go anywhere?

- Because they suck?

Except for your hair, and your acting.

- Tibo my movies do not suck.

I don't have production value, man.

I've never had production value.

- So you're going to film us while we get

attacked by zombies.

- No.

(farting)

I have an idea.

(crowd applauds)

- Alright, y'all, we're gonna take a break,

we'll be back in just a few.

- Hello, hey, Popper here,

I've probably changed your oil,

I know I've changed your oil.

Or fixed something on your car

or your bicycles.

Hey, there's one man here tonight who saw

the shit comin' before anybody.

Like, like Nostradamus or something.

He said the shit was gonna hit the fan,

the zombies, the undead, and said zombie apocalypse,

before anybody else knew what was happening.

He's my main man, my best friend, Sammy P.

- Oh for fuck's sake!

His movie didn't even make it into the damn festival!

- Yeah, no shit, dumbass.

And we all know that now.

But it's okay, you know why?

Hit 'em, Jojo.

- Sam has an idea.

- That's right, Jojo.

Ladies and gentleman, our zombie maestro

of ceremonies, Sammy P!

(crowd claps)

- Thank you, Popper. - You're welcome.

- Well, um, so I've been thinking, um,

we're in crisis.

The world out there is upside down;

brother eating brother.

And you know, we can sit here and we can drink

and party 'till the bitter end, or,

we could unite for a common cause.

We can show the world that we are one people,

that we are survivors, that we can beat unbeatable odds!

And how do we show the world?

I will document it!

This town, yeah it might be dried up,

we're sitting on an oilfield here,

this is our goldmine!

We can make a movie as one,

and we will triumph!

- Okay, so what's the movie?

- Have you ever heard the phrase found footage?

- Have you heard the term DOA, dead on arrival.

Have you?

You jackasses, go make your homemade movie,

I'm gonna sit right here and drink my beer.

- Come on, Bird Dog.

We finally have a chance to make something of ourselves.

- Oh shut up!

You're drunk!

(crowd booing) - Come on.

- Hey, get off the stage!

(intense rock music)

- Listen, listen, big Jim.

There are many, many, many bonuses to the film

and entertainment industry.

- Like what?

- Number one, poontang.

Number two De Niro, or money as we call it

in the States. - Sure.

- So, pussy and money.

So think about it, think about it like this okay,

like, you ever like work really hard to get

into a chick's pants, like you really want it,

and you spend a lot of money and time,

you're not going to get any of that money

or time back, but you get the experience,

even if she's not very good you get the experience.

Look, man, look, you are getting in on the ground

level of so much production value.

You never get this; real fucking zombies here in Corsicana.

So, but if you are in now you first money out.

- I can't leave here, though.

- You can't leave, you don't have to leave here!

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- You don't know what I'm talking about?

- No I don't. - Do you like pussy?

- Yes. - Do you like money?

- Yes. - Then you're in.

(crowd applauds)

* Oh when I dreamed that you called my name *

* Oh when I dreamed that you called my name *

- Oh, shit.

Who is that?

Hey let me get out of here before you wreck this place.

Oh, dude!

You're gonna wake up the dead with that!

Quit fuckin' around, Pistol.

(yelling)

* Hear bells and who's to blame *

(yelling)

* Are calling my name

- Pistol!

Pistol, you've got to see this!

Pistol!

- Oh my God, get off my man, you slut!

- Shut your pie hole, bitch.

- Oh he got me!

He got me!

(yelling)

- Run!

- Get out of my way!

Get out of my way!

- Oh my God, he neutered him!

- I think I wet myself, I pissed myself.

- Go, go, go, go, go!

- Where are we going?

Where are we going?

- We're going to Pam's school!

- Why?

- Because the windows have bars!

- Go, go!

Just get in your truck!

- Hey kids, there's a new sheriff in town.

All your worries will wash away with one bite

of these delicious chocolatey,

cream filled Freedom Cakes.

Your parents keeping you down?

Do they keep making you eat food not fit to feed an ostrich?

Blech!

Don't worry, Freedom Cakes are here!

This is America, where we get to eat

what we want, it's your God given right!

Coming to a store near you on July 4th.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Really like your handiwork back there.

You guys have any film production experience?

- No, boss, but as you can see we're productive.

- Yeah, yeah you are.

Better that way anyway, film production

experience will make you jaded.

You guys want to make a movie?

- Why the hell are we here?

- Ladies and gentleman, this is our destiny.

We have a movie lot, right there.

We have hair, we have make up,

we have set... - Ahmm.

- Yes?

- Um, are you suggesting that we use real zombies?

- Real, real zombies.

Yes.

We are going to make the first ever zombie film

using real zombies.

- What?

- Sam, you know I'll do anything for a movie,

kind of known for being a team player, but uh,

isn't this a little dangerous?

- Yes.

Yeah, right?

Working with zombies could be misconstrued

as not a good idea.

- Fair enough.

- We're not going to use dangerous ones.

- What kind of zombies are you planning on using?

- Safe ones.

Safer.

- Safe zombies.

- The only safe zombie is a dead zombie.

- Got that straight, son.

- [Both] Hah!

- The name of our movie.

You guys ready?

- Yes.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Come on, are you guys ready?

- Yeah!

- Yes!

Alright!

Fat

Ass

Zombies!

Fat Ass Zombies.

- Wilson, come on, that's even worse

than Deadbeat Zombie Dad.

- It's amazing, and it's perfect for the film

that we are going to make.

- Fat Ass Zombies, I love it, bro!

- Alright, so we're in school, right?

How about a quiz?

- Oh, oh, me, pick me! - You guys want a quiz?

Come on, come on, alright here we go.

What does this town not have a shortage of?

- Ooh oh oh!

- Who's got it?

Alright, Wilson!

- [Together] Zombies!

- You're right, head of the class.

Before the zombies.

- Ooh oh oh!

- Popper!

- Stupid people!

- Also true, yup, lot of stupid people.

- I think I had third grade English in this class.

I'll always remember because this was the site

of my first erection.

- What else? - Oh!

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it!

- Give it one more shot.

- Stupid people with no jobs!

- Okay, that's true.

We're kind of staying on that.

Think bigger guys, think bigger.

- Sam!

- Stupid people with no jobs and no money!

- Fat people!

- Woah!

- Fatties!

Big ol' fat, fat, fat, fatties, guys!

- Damn straight! - We have five

Chinese buffts for a town of 20,000 people.

That's is a lot of tub.

All of your parents are very, very fat.

And that, ladies and gentleman,

is what we are going to use.

The fat, the slow.

What is the name of our movie?

- [Together] Fat Ass Zombies!

- Yes!

Come on!

- [Together] Fat Ass Zombies!

Fat Ass Zombies!

Fat Ass Zombies!

Fat Ass Zombies!

Fat Ass Zombies!

Fat Ass Zombies!

Fat Ass Zombies!

- Magic!

(upbeat music)

- Blue team!

You guys are operation Capture Fat and Safe Zombies.

Remember, anything fat, slow,

doesn't move fast and it's easy to kill.

Yellow team, you guys are weapons and gear.

Somehow nobody thought to grab it when we left Pete's place.

So, get us weapons, hatchets, shovels, bats,

chainsaws, ladles, I don't care,

anything is better than what we have,

just remember it's lame to shoot zombies.

Get us something fun to kill zombies with.

(grunting)

Red team, you guys are operation Munchies;

we need food and drink!

The school shut down the lunch program, right, Pam?

Ugh, where do our taxes go?

Get us food, guys.

Green team, you guys are with me here at basecamp

starting preproduction.

Let's make movie magic here people,

rendezvous here no later than 13:00.

Let's move!

- Si, maestro! - Come on!

(speaks in foreign language)

(bright music)

* Chest

* Nuts

* Feed it to him

- Put craft here right on that table,

and get all the weapons out

and on those shelves, alright?

- Okay.

- Oh I am getting the ice cream, bros!

- Okay, okay, uh, might I suggest getting items

with more sustenance.

- Nope!

- God, this is so stupid.

(yelling)

Oh, I love berries, I really do.

Oh Jesus Christ, ah!

Oh my God!

Okay, time to go!

Time to go!

- Drive, drive, drive, come on, come on!

- It's a child.

- What?

- Who brought the baby?

- Baby?

- Oh dear God! - What?

What?

(yelling)

- What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

- Um, get rid of it, get rid of it!

- Okay, okay, okay!

(baby cooing)

- Don't look back guys, don't look back.

- Sam?

- Hey! - Sam, God!

There you are. - Fresh markers!

Pam, this is amazing, the ideas are flying out

of my head, this is it!

- I'm so excited for you!

- I know, right?

- Okay wait, I've been thinking,

I don't want anyone to get hurt

and we don't know what's going on out there so...

- Pam, I know what's going on out there.

This town's been one heatwave away

from destroying itself for years.

- Yeah, yeah, I know, it's just...

I just wanna make sure no one's gonna get hurt, you know?

- We're gonna sneak around,

we're gonna watch chompers chasing people, that's it!

- Okay.

- I wonder if the sheriff's turned.

I gotta go.

I gotta go!

So, you tell me we've got no weapons,

a very meager craft services,

and for a zombie, you got me a fifth grader

in a retainer.

(yelling)

- We're making a movie!

Let's review the following;

I'm not gonna change the way I look or the way

I feel to conform to anything,

I've always been a freak.

Okay, yeah, I've never liked it either.

Okay, moving on.

Another one from another John, a real 'Merican,

courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.

And finally, screw it, let's do it, yes!

Sir Richard Branson, yes!

- Are you freakin' kidding me?

This is what you've been doing

while we've been out there risking our necks, huh?

- Yeah, it's what I've been doing, and,

you know, getting art department and a script together.

You can't have a movie without a script.

- Yeah, and we can't live without food, huh.

I should have been on the red team.

- Hey, man!

We have like, enough gummy bears to last a month!

Jeez, here!

- I'm not worried about the food,

I'm worried about being their food.

They're fast.

- Anything's faster than you, brother,

the way you keep smoking that shit.

- Don't hate, man!

- Woah, woah, guys!

- Okay, okay, okay!

- Woah, guys, seriously!

Come on, guys!

- Mr. Pentergass, report to the principal's office,

once you stop dicking around.

So, Mr. Pentergass,

what do you have to say for yourself?

- I'm sorry sir, I didn't think using the school

would be a big deal, it's been abandoned,

- Mr. Pentergass, I've heard it once,

I've heard it a thousand times.

Spare me.

Pentergass, this calls for greater action.

This calls for something way more sizable

in my response.

This calls for Priscilla.

'Scuse me, sir?

- Priscilla!

Meet Priscilla, Mr. Pentergass!

- Mr. Johnson you have a big gun, sir,

- Shall we make a zombie film?

(laughing)

(grunting)

- Hit me here.

Yo, hit me here, hit me here.

- Hey!

Listen up!

- Thank you, Pam. - You're welcome.

- Alright, this is where it all begins.

This is where they discover something's not quite right.

They see some folks on the side of the road, they're hurt,

or are they?

Let's make a movie! - Yeah!

- Let's make a movie!

- Jose, Eldad, crafty.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Hey, now which direction

are we shooting in again?

- We're gonna shoot all the way down the road,

so make sure it's clear down there.

- Alright, you got it, partner, let's do this!

- Next, maestro?

(speaks in foreign language)

- Quiet on set!

- Sound speed. - Speed.

- Roll camera.

- Rolling, rolling.

- You guys ready for awesome?

- Yeah.

- Release the zombies!

- Go, go, go!

- Ey, ey, c'mon, zombies, go!

- Go, go, go, zombies, go!

- C'mon!

(speaks in foreign language)

Come on you little shit, go!

Go, go, go!

- Come on zombies, go! - Pistol?

Release the zombies!

- They won't go!

- Pistol, they ain't like cattle or horses,

I don't know how to do this!

- Just get back there and give 'em a hand!

- Sam, I'm trying!

You wanna come do this?

- Dani, hit them in the ribcage!

- Alright, I'm tryin'!

- C'mon, blood, blood over there!

Blood!

- Alright you guys, brace yourselves,

here we go.

- Zombies el prontos, pronto!

- Go get that blonde girl, c'mon!

(dramatic music)

- What the fuck was that?

- Oh, shit.

- C'mon, zombies, go!

Go for that blonde girl!

- She's handicap.

- She okay?

- Course she's not okay, she's a damn zombie!

- No I know, but is she gonna get back

in the wheelchair?

- She ain't going anywhere,

she's crippled, Sam.

- Already down a zombie and we haven't

even got the first shot off, bro!

- Dammit.

Dani, I said slow zombies not completely paralyzed!

- I know, I guess we just got all the defective ones!

- Okay, they're out!

Quiet on set.

Action!

(yelling)

- Yeah?

Yeah?

- Let's tone it down a bit.

Just a smidgen, sweetheart.

Yeah, you're going to scare the zombies.

- Come on, guys!

Just start running, let's go!

- Hey, let's just shoot some tights and fix it in post.

- We're not gonna fix shit in post, Popper,

you just gotta get the shot.

- Okay.

- Tiffany, look scared!

- She's too hot to look scared.

- Come on, guys, just start running!

- Okay, now when you're running, really exaggerate.

- Alright look, you're scared,

the zombies are coming, they're gonna rip your face off!

You gotta run to the car, c'mon!

- You look stupid!

- Tiffany, stay in character, c'mon.

- Whatever happened to less is more, huh?

- Okay, let's go.

C'mon, c'mon, woman! - I don't want to!

(yelling)

Go, go!

- I'm trying!

- Go, go!

- Cut!

Beautiful!

Yeah, alright!

Very good.

- Hey, Sam, man.

What's the plan on getting them back in?

- Oh, shit.

Uh, that's a good question.

- Oh...

Alright, time to go, people, let's go!

- I should get some of this!

- Move, move!

- Move, move, move, move!

- Pistol, get the zombies!

- I'm gettin' this, I'm gettin' this!

- How are we with these idiots?

- This is crazy.

- Carl, Carl, come on!

Dude, what's wrong with your eyes?

- You're fucked up, man.

You went too far, now you're gonna pay.

- [Reporter] This is a special report.

Why, America, why?

Our investigative team is on the hunt

for the cause of the chaos in Corsicana.

- I frequently, we, support a lot

of charitable organizations.

Locally and nationally, internationally.

- So me and my son and my grandson, Bubba and Bubba Jr.,

we drink a 30-pack together.

And that night I have this idea; hey,

what if we got liberals to send us money?

- It's the Worldwide Redneck Fund,

and it allows people like us to adopt a redneck.

- You know, it's like adopt a kid over there in Africa,

you know, them little black kids,

you can feed one for 10 cents.

- Occasionally he would ask for cash.

- You know, we got certain rights, and that's a right

to worship God, a right to carry my gun...

- And I thought we were making progress.

He said to me once, I'm considering

about going gluten free for a week.

- And I don't know what the other ones are, the other ones

don't even matter.

- The latest gun that he bought,

he didn't name it.

- Oh, Ethyl?

This is my AR10.

- What's happening in Texas is certainly distressing

and we're all concerned.

- We got a silencer or suppressor on it.

- What I think my wife is trying to say is...

- Please don't tell me what I'm trying to say, thank you,

I know what I'm trying to say.

- The more money we have the more bullets we can get.

- I sent 400 recycling containers.

- The more stuff we can shoot.

- You sent four hundred recycling bins to Bubba?

- There's a lot of things wrong with this country.

- I thought Bubba was a place in Ethiopia.

- There ain't no daddies anymore.

- Do they even recycle in Texas?

- Killed a lot of hogs.

- I sent him kombucha.

- Money started pourin' in, man.

- The poems of Maya Angelou.

- Let freedom ring!

- You know I could use a little kombucha right now.

- Okay, guys, I know we're tired,

I know it took us a while to get here,

I know we're down to our last two bags of chips,

but listen, we got great stuff back there,

and yeah, we had to strike fast and we left

some stuff behind, and Carl's probably dead,

but what is the classic location for a zombie movie?

- Corsicana, Texas.

- Yes, more local though.

- Cemetery? - No.

- Hospital. - No.

- Black hole?

- Okay, that's above our budget.

- Oh!

Ninja dojo!

- That's very gratuitous. - Submarine.

- A theater!

An abandoned theater!

With concessions. - They got beer?

- Guys, we're hungry, I'm starving.

Let's kill two birds with one stone,

or one shot!

Huh? - Really?

- Okay, come on, let's go.

(dramatic music)

Action!

- Sam!

Listen, why are you filming this?

- Stay in character.

- I would love to, but I do not know what I am playing.

- Fellatio, just go with it,

you're screwing up the scene.

- Alright guys, we've got to do this again.

Please, stop breaking the fourth wall.

- Negative, this is a search and destroy mission,

there's only one way; forward!

- Follow the man with the gun.

(soft music)

- Nut up, ya pansies, I'm covering the rear.

- Yes captain, my captain.

- Guys, stay together, we've got to make sure it's clear.

- Hey, Fellatio!

- Holy shit, ah!

Okay.

(laughs)

Look at that.

- There's a concessions.

Okay, Popper, take this.

- Yup.

- Okay, Tibo, Jojo, try to sneak around, right?

You gotta get back there but there are zombies,

so try to get as close as you can to them, okay?

Alright, alright, are you ready?

(growling) - Ah, shit!

(yelling)

Shit, shit!

Help, she's gonna bite me!

- Okay, I got you, I got you!

- I'm acting.

- Shit!

(yelling)

Shit!

You gotta get her!

She's gonna bite me, I'm serious!

What are you doing?

Get the shot!

- Okay, okay!

- Oh my God, oh God!

- I'm getting the shot!

- She's gonna kill me!

No I'm actually serious!

Did you get the shot?

- I don't know, I was really confused.

- Yeah.

- Let's go, men!

We are in hostile territory! - Oh shit.

Get up, get up, get up! - Come on, come on!

- that's a negative, Horatio, time to go, come on!

- I cut this guy's head off!

This is my moment.

- Hey, hey! - What?

- I think it's Carl.

It's Carl, man!

- Wait, wait.

- Get the, get the camera, get the camera!

- I don't think he notices us.

I got it, man!

I got it!

- Good job!

- Thanks, Carl!

- We miss you, bro!

- To be, or not to be, that is the question.

- Go, go, oh shit!

Shit!

Fuck!

- Go, go, go, go!

- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Grab the door, hold it, hold it, hold it!

- This way, troops!

- Oh man, oh!

He's been bit!

What are we going to do?

- I'm leaving, let's go.

(yelling)

- [Sam] Horatio, you're going to be alright,

we're going to get you help.

- Oh give it a rest, Sam,

you know the script.

God that hurts!

That hurts!

- Can you actually feel it coursing

through your veins?

- Uh, Sam, you should see this, bro.

- Sam, Sam, listen to me!

- Now is not a good time, not a good time, you guys!

- Sam! - What?

What, fine!

What, what do you want?

- Come here, Sam.

- No. - Sam, listen.

For fucks sake, I'm not going to bite you, Sam,

just come here.

- Okay. - God!

- Sam, no.

- Hey, I'll be alright.

I'll be alright.

Here.

- Mhm.

It's your life.

- Sam, Sam, Sam, listen to me,

I want to tell you something.

I want to ask you something, rather.

Look at me.

- Okay.

- Do you know how much your films suck?

They are horrible, Sam.

- Okay.

- Stop it, Sam!

Look at me, look at me!

- Okay, Horatio!

I'm looking at you. - They are horrendous, Sam!

You are a talentless sack of shit, but this,

this is something truly genius.

Sam.

This could be something really special.

- Okay.

- You need a good zombie transformation scene.

Voila!

Just make sure that you get it.

Don't fuck it up!

- Okay!

- Promise me.

- Okay, I promise.

- Okay, we should get to filming,

I'm really starting not to feel good.

(yelling)

Ooh the anger!

- Okay.

- Okay, just um, turn it on Popper,

turn on the camera, turn it on.

- I'm rolling, I'm rolling.

- Okay, everyone settle, alright?

Quiet on the set.

Ready?

- Yeah.

- Sam, this isn't right.

We should be finding him help.

- Pam, I'm about to shoot the most important

scene of my life, and his life,

which is just about over.

So just let me freakin' do this.

- Sam, this isn't okay!

- Alright, Tiffany.

You're up. - No, no, no!

I'm not going near him!

- You are in the scene!

- I don't care!

No!

Dani will do it, Dani will do it!

- No! - Fine.

Dani, you're in.

Come on!

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!

Right here, right here.

- Let's go, people, I am actually dying over here.

- Come on, c'mon buddy, c'mon!

Turn around, face to camera, alright.

Popper, here we go.

This is the shot!

- I got the shot.

- Okay.

Okay, this is the scene, you found your best friend,

he's been bitten.

- Are you ready Ocean Spray?

- Yeah.

- Okay, action!

- I always knew that this town

was going to be the death of me!

All of these fat asses, taking up all the space.

With their oversized derrieres

and their abundant bottoms and their kingsize rumps!

Run!

Run. (farting)

You can still get out,

unless you let the ones like me go.

Shoot me!

- Spray!

Say the line.

Come on, say your line, man!

- Shoot me!

Shoot me, shoot me.

You skinny little shit!

Before I eat your little slut of a girlfriend!

I'm coming, I'm coming!

I'm com, ah!

- Ocean!

- This is fucked up.

Is he supposed to do that?

- Dude, that's not in the script!

- He's a zombie!

- Man, fuck this shit!

These are our friends, you shoot it!

- Fine!

Eldad!

- Maestro!

- Sam, what are you doing?

- This is great.

- These are your friends!

- And I will tell their story!

(yelling)

(gun firing)

- Dammit!

Dammit, who did that?

I did not say cut!

- Sorry, Sam, I can't let Horatio go out like that.

- (speaks in foreign language) brother.

- Have you lost your mind?

This is sick!

- I have this under control.

- Under control?

- What is happening?

I thought he had to get bit!

Did anyone see him get bit?

- Have we all lost our minds?

- Did anyone see anything unusual with Ocean?

- He had the serious cause of the munchies, guys.

He ate like five of these bitches!

- Shit, it's the Freedom Cakes!

(yelling)

- Oh my God, I baked those things.

Does that mean I'm going to turn into one?

How do I look?

- Stay away from me!

Those are gross!

- We bake to box at least 50,000 of those a day!

We just shipped a shit ton of them out.

- Where?

- Nationwide!

- Oh my God, we're all gonna die!

- We've got incoming, people.

Let's go, let's go, into the theater!

- What about Horatio?

- There's nothing we can do for him now.

Let's go, come on!

- Ocean!

- Come on Jessie, we have to go!

We have to go, Jessie, come on!

- Are you guys insane?

We are going to finish this film,

we are going to be famous!

Get back in here!

Come on!

Oh, do it for Horatio!

(intense music)

- Come on, shh, shh.

Come on, lock the door.

- Okay, okay, I got it.

- Popper!

I'm sorry, alright?

I lost my head, man.

We gotta go!

What the?

- Sam, stay in character.

You gotta stay in character, Sam.

- A dolly shot?

Okay.

- Why am I not a zombie?

- Popper!

- Hey. - Popper, holy shit,

we gotta get out of here, man.

- Dude, look at this.

- Woah.

- Zombie hotties!

We gotta get this shot!

Yeah, you wanna stream this movie?

Dudes are gonna look, they're gonna see

no titties, sausagefest, they go right through it.

- Yeah. - Oh!

- I don't have the camera.

- What?

- Dude, we just got to get out of here!

- Catch up to ya.

- Been saving this for a long time.

I call it El Morte.

It's inside here.

Yeah.

- El Morte? - El Morte.

- Dude, that wouldn't even get a fifth grader high.

- Oh!

Famous last words, man.

Ready?

- Yeah.

(yelling)

- Oh, the Freedom Cakes.

Oh wait, the Freedom Cakes.

The, the, I'm not a zombie!

Oh my God, I'm not a zombie.

I am not, I am not a zombie.

- What's your name?

(yelling)

- And now we have exclusive footage for you from Corsicana,

and the carnage that is happening there.

People are rioting, screaming,

you'll notice fires in the streets.

People appear to be in nothing but survival mode,

using just their wits

and their surroundings to survive what can only

understandably be viewed as the apocalypse.

- These people are so blasted!

- Why aren't your lips moving?

- Isn't that your sister?

- Are my eyes still there?

- We're in Texas.

- Come on, come on, come on.

Yeah get back, come on, come on.

(horns honking)

(wind howling)

- [Sam] But look at them all.

These are my people.

They all want me, finally,

this whole town wants me, they need me.

You can do this, Sam, your day has come!

(farting)

- Hey!

I'm all out of bullets, I'm going hand to hand!

- What are we going to do?

- Why don't we just film ourselves dying?

- That's a great idea, buddy.

- Alright, I'm going to draw them away.

I'm going that way, you guys.

Get o the streets, try to get out of town.

- Sam, no, you don't have to do this!

- Pam, I'm so sorry.

This is my fault.

Thank you, thank you for always believing in me.

- Sam, Sam, no, you don't have to do this.

- I love you.

- Sam!

(yelling)

Sam, Sam, no! - Come on!

Come on!

Let's go!

Come on!

- Go get 'em, Sammy! - Really?

Why does anyone ever listen to that guy?

- Come on!

Let's go, come on, here!

Come on!

Here we go, come on!

This way, come on, come on.

I'm delicious, I'm tasty,

come on right over here!

Take a bite of me!

Yeah, yeah alright, yeah you want some of this!

Yeah!

Muscle, a little bit of fat for ya, yeah!

I'm a tasty man!

Right here, right here, yeah!

Look at these meaty thighs!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, let's go!

(yelling)

Well, shit.

Yeah, I'm a dead man.

Great idea, Samuel.

Look at this, that kid is eating his mom's kneecap!

I have never seen that, oh my God,

I don't even know what that guy's eating.

What the hell?

Dammit.

Zombie rain?

Figures, now the heavens are raining production value.

Man, this hurts!

Man, this movie was going to be beautiful.

Feels good to finally nail my part.

Eldad?

Nice shot, Eldad.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Sam, Sam!

Sam, you're gonna be okay,

we're gonna get you help.

- I'm sorry, guys, I'm a shitty filmmaker.

- Yeah, yeah you are.

- What the hell is this?

(yelling)

- We're gonna get you help, little buddy.

C'mon.

- Come on, come on, come on!

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

- [Tiffany] Hurry, he's losing blood.

- Come on now, guys.

Hold up, wait on me!

I got a bad knee!

You sons of bitches!

I saved your lives about 12 times tonight!

C'mon now!

(laughing)

- [Sam] I always knew this town would be the death of me.

- What's this?

A red carpet premiere into the great beyond?

Nope.

Turns out getting bit just hurts,

it doesn't actually turn you into one.

When the world goes to shit, it's a gift I say.

What I needed was just a little chaos to get

my shot, and it happened, they gave it to me.

I got money, honey wagons, respect,

20 something interns happy as hell to get me

some shitty coffee drink.

I don't even like coffee, I get one every 20 minutes!

God it feels good!

- I am beyond excited!

- Well I play myself, so that's fun.

- Jojo!

- And that's where I get to meet my leading man.

(yelling)

- It's the best day of my life,

thank you all so much!

Thank you, Corsicana!

- And spoiler alert,

are you guys expecting?

- Well we were expecting to keep it a secret.

- I will see you in there!

Come on!

- As I sit here watching this,

it's like it's not me, it's some different

version of me; an imposter, it's a fake!

Which it is, I mean, Ryan Reynolds looks

nothing like me.

I can't help but think what would have happened

if I had actually gotten into that shitty festival,

or what would have happened

if I hadn't lied about the whole damn thing.

Oh well, by the looks of the reviews,

I'm not getting the chance to make

Fat Ass Zombies 2 anytime soon.

That's okay, I kind of had my heart

on making Zombie Space Vikings 2: The Horny Revenge.

- [Reporter] Parents beware, the Freedom Cake Challenge

is sweeping social media.

Teenagers are finding the deadly cakes

that haven't been turned in and destroyed

by the authorities and are filming themselves eating them.

This is a very dangerous situation,

and we urge anyone with knowledge of any cakes

still not turned in to report it immediately.

And parents, please make sure you speak

to your children about the dangers of these cakes,

and also have Colin Street Bakery Honey

in your cupboard.

As we reported earlier, this honey was found

to be the only antidote for anyone poisoned

by eating the cakes.

(intense rock music)

* It

* Ain't real

* Am I what I'm supposed to be

* I fear

* I'll disappear

* I'm losing touch with myself

* I dunno when to brace myself

* I dunno when to brace myself

* I dunno when to brace myself

* I dunno

* 'Cause I'm displaced

* It

* Ain't real

* Am I where I'm supposed to be *

* I fear

* I'll disappear

* I'm losing touch with myself

* I dunno when to brace myself

* I dunno when to brace myself

* I dunno when to brace myself

* I dunno

* 'Cause I'm displaced

(funky music)

* Better get jumpin'

* Here come the boogeyman

* Better get bumpin'

* Here come the boogeyman

* Better get jumpin'

* Here come the boogeyman

* Better get walkin'

* Here come the boogeyman

* When the boogeyman lose his heart *

* When the boogeyman, his eyes get lost *

Subtitles Diego Moraes(oakislandtk) www.opensubtitles.org