Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Rannazzisi: THANK YOU SO MUCH, NEW ORLEANS!

THANK YOU, GUYS!

HOW ARE YOU? GOOD?

[ CROWD CHEERS ]

AWESOME! SO GOOD TO BE HERE.

I'VE BEEN TRAVELING A LOT,

SO IT'S NICE TO BE ON THE GROUND.

YEAH. OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I HAVE A HORRIBLE FEAR OF FLYING.

I REALLY DO.

YOU'VE HEARD ME ON PLANES BEFORE.

I'M THAT PERSON IN THE BACK THAT YOU HEAR

AS SOON AS THAT LITTLE POCKET OF TURBULENCE HITS,

THAT "AAH!" PERSON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, I HOPE SHE'S OKAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, "SHE" IS ME. I AM SHE.

THAT'S ME IN THE BACK, SCARED.

ON THE GROUND, I'M A MAN.

YEAH, WITH YOU GUYS. I'M A MAN. I DO MANLY THINGS.

I HIGH-FIVE -- THINGS LIKE THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UP IN THE AIR, I'M A LITTLE GIRL.

'CAUSE EVERY FLIGHT I'M ON HAS TURBULENCE -- EVERY ONE.

WE CAME IN HERE YESTERDAY. WE SPUN IN SIDEWAYS.

IT WAS CRAZY. WE LANDED SIDEWAYS.

WE LIKE SKIDDED IN. I WAS LIKE [GASPS]

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT EVERY SINGLE FLIGHT I'M ON HAS TURBULENCE --

EVERY SINGLE ONE.

AND NOW THEY WARN YOU AHEAD OF TIME.

THEY'LL COME ON AND BE LIKE, "OH, UH, BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELTS.

THE NEXT 10 MINUTES ARE GONNA BE BUMPY."

I DON'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, GUYS. I YELL SHIT BACK.

NO, YOU PAY A LOT OF MONEY FOR THESE SEATS.

YELL BACK. MAKE YOUR OPINION HEARD.

I'LL OPEN UP THE WINDOW AND LOOK OUT AND GO,

"NO, WE'RE NOT, DUDE! PULL UP AND TO THE LEFT!

TRY THAT FUCKING AIR OUT FOR 10 MINUTES!"

WHY CAN'T WE GO THERE?

NOBODY HAS EVER EXPLAINED THAT TO ME.

LISTEN, IF YOU WERE DRIVING HERE TONIGHT IN A CAR,

AND YOU WERE HITTING EVERY POTHOLE IN THE ROAD,

COULD YOU TURN TO YOUR FRIENDS AND BE LIKE,

"OH, IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THIS FOR THE NEXT 10 MINUTES, GUYS"?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOUR FRIENDS WOULD BE LIKE, "FUCK YOU! SWITCH LANES!"

WHY CAN WE NOT SWITCH AIR LANES?

THERE'S NO TRAFFIC UP THERE. WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON A PLANE

AND ANOTHER ONE FLEW RIGHT BY?

YOU'RE LIKE, "OOH!

"WE SHOULD HANG OUT IN THIS LANE FOR A WHILE.

THESE OTHER LANES ARE OCCUPIED."

PEOPLE SAY, "TAKE PILLS."

OH, EVERYTHING'S A PILL.

"TAKE A PILL. TAKE A PILL."

I CAN'T.

I HAVE TO SWITCH A LOT OF FLIGHTS --

I NEED MY WITS ABOUT ME.

I SMOKE POT, BUT, YOU KNOW,

THAT'S A THING THAT YOU CAN'T REALLY TIME OUT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THEY DON'T LET YOU SMOKE POT ON PLANES.

THEY JUST DON'T.

WHAT I USED TO DO IS,

I USED TO EAT A POT COOKIE ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT

SO, YOU KNOW, BY THE TIME THE PLANE TOOK OFF,

IT WOULD KICK IN, AND MY ANXIETY WOULD BE OKAY.

BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM --

THE POT-COOKIE BUSINESS IS NOT A REGULATED INDUSTRY.

THERE'S NO QUALITY CONTROL WHATSOEVER.

YEAH. NABISCO DOESN'T MAKE POT COOKIES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE KEEBLER ELVES ARE DOING

IN THAT FUCKING TREE,

BUT IF YOU THINK ANYBODY WOULD MAKE A POT COOKIE,

IT'D BE AN ELF THAT LIVED INSIDE OF A TREE.

BUT THEY DON'T. THEY'RE LAZY.

POTHEADS MAKE POT COOKIES, SO IT'S NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH. I'VE HAD SOME BEFORE WHERE NOTHING HAPPENED.

ALL I GOT WAS CHOCOLATE IN MY TEETH.

I ATE ONE, THOUGH, ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT THIS ONE TIME,

THAT, AS SOON AS I ATE THE COOKIE,

I HAD THAT WARM SENSATION COME OVER MY BODY LIKE,

"OOH! YOU JUST MADE A BAD DECISION!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY WIFE WAS DRIVING ME TO THE AIRPORT.

IT WAS AN EARLY FLIGHT, LIKE 5:30 IN THE MORNING.

AND AS SOON AS WE GOT IN THE CAR,

I WAS LISTENING TO THE RADIO,

AND I THOUGHT THAT KATY PERRY'S "FIREWORK"

WAS THE GREATEST SONG IN AMERICAN HISTORY.

I WAS LIKE, "BABE, WHO WROTE THIS SONG?

"THIS IS INSPIRATIONAL!

THIS MAKES ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF."

AND THEN THE PARANOIA STARTED TO SET IN.

I WAS LIKE, "OHH. OHH.

"UM, COULD YOU JUST DROP ME OFF AT THE TARMAC?

"BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO HANDLE

THE BUILDING PART TODAY."

SHE DUMPS ME OFF AT THE CURB.

I'M STARING AT THE AIRPORT LIKE A KID ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

WHO DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO GO IN YET.

I'M LIKE, "OOF. THIS ISN'T GONNA WELL AT ALL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN I STARTED LOOKING AROUND.

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

"JUST RELAX AND JUST DO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING.

JUST BE NORMAL."

SO, NOW I'M WALKING INTO THE AIRPORT,

AND I THINK I'M SAYING THIS TO MYSELF,

BUT OUT LOUD I'M GOING, "I WALK LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WALK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OTHER PEOPLE WALK LIKE ME, AND I WALK SIMILAR TO THEM --

SIMILAR, SIMILARLY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN I GOT IN, THE TSA GUY LOOKS RIGHT AT ME,

AND I'M LIKE, "UHP! UHP! HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

HE KNOWS I'M HIGH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HE KNOWS MY HOPES AND DREAMS, MY DICK SIZE --

"THIS GUY KNOWS IT ALL.

MIGHT AS WELL JUST START AIR-ARRESTING MYSELF RIGHT NOW."

AND THERE'S A PART OF YOUR BRAIN

THAT STAYS LUCID IN THESE MOMENTS.

IT TAKES OVER.

IT'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT. LISTEN UP, IDIOT.

"THE NEXT 10 MINUTES

"ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT 10 MINUTES OF THIS TRIP, BRO.

PULL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. DON'T BE A PUSSY."

SO NOW THERE'S ALL THE ZIGZAG THINGS WE HAVE TO WALK THROUGH.

BUT WHEN THERE'S NOBODY THERE,

YOU'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO WALK UP TO THE FRONT.

NO, I'M WHEELING MY BAG THROUGH ALL OF THEM, GOING,

"I WALK LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WALK."

AND THEN I LOOK OVER,

AND THE TSA GUY IS STILL STARING AT ME.

SO, MY BRAIN'S LIKE, "WELL, JUST BE NICE AND SMILE."

SO NOW I'M DOING THIS...

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN I GOT TO THE TSA GUY, AND I WENT TO HIGH-FIVE HIM.

LET ME TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING --

IT WAS AN AWKWARD HIGH-FIVE.

I HAD MY HANDS OUT LIKE THIS.

DON'T TRY TO HIGH-FIVE A TSA PERSON.

THEY WILL NOT RECIPROCATE.

THEN I HANDED HIM MY LICENSE.

HE'S LIKE, "BRO, THIS IS YOUR COSTCO CARD."

I WAS LIKE, "THEY BOTH HAVE MY PICTURE ON IT.

WANT TO SPLIT A PALLET OF STRAWBERRIES?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DO HAVE TO TRAVEL A LOT, TO LEAVE MY FAMILY.

I HAVE A WIFE, AND WE'VE GOT TWO YOUNG BOYS.

I MADE IT UP TO THEM, THOUGH.

WE DID A 21-DAY FAMILY VACATION.

21 DAYS.

YEAH, THAT'S THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF TIME

YOU CAN SPEND WITH YOUR FAMILY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, IN A HOTEL ROOM -- ONE HOTEL ROOM -- 21 DAYS?

I KNOW WHY THE DONNER PARTY ATE EACH OTHER NOW. I DO.

'CAUSE THEY WERE SICK OF LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER.

21 DAYS. AND IT WASN'T A VACATION FOR ME.

THIS IS MY VACATION.

ALL THEY DO ON VACATION,

I JUST HAVE TO MOVE THE STUFF AROUND.

THAT'S IT. I AM A SHERPA FOR MY KIDS.

THAT'S ALL I AM.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT SHERPAS ARE --

THOSE PEOPLE THAT CARRY RICH WHITE PEOPLE'S SHIT

TO THE TOP OF MOUNTAINS,

WHO GET NO CREDIT WHATSOEVER,

JUST PACK AS MUCH STUFF UP ON THEIR BACKS.

THERE'S NO EDITING WHEN IT COMES TO PACKING.

"EH, IF WE NEED IT, JUST BRING IT.

HE'LL CARRY IT. SURE."

YOU GOT TO SEE ME GETTING THROUGH AN AIRPORT --

DOUBLE STROLLERS, PACK 'N PLAYS, CAR SEATS --

TWO OF THEM.

'CAUSE THEY'RE LIGHT AS A FEATHER. WHY NOT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

BACKPACKS -- I HAVE BACKPACKS,

AN ELMO BACKPACK AND A DINOSAUR BACKPACK.

AND THEY'RE FILLED WITH FOOD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY KIDS EAT.

ALL I KNOW IS, EVERYWHERE WE GO, THEY DON'T FUCKING HAVE IT,

SO I HAVE TO PACK IT AND BRING IT WITH ME.

I HAVE KALE HANGING OUT OF A BACKPACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE, AS A MAN,

TRYING TO GO THROUGH AN AIRPORT,

TRYING TO KEEP MY KIDS IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A HOCKEY GOALIE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THANK GOD MY WIFE IS THERE, GUYS.

THANK GOD.

BECAUSE WHO ELSE WOULD CARRY THAT HEAVY US WEEKLY MAGAZINE

AND HALF-DRUNK BOTTLE OF EVIAN WATER?

WHO ELSE WOULD POWER THAT THROUGH SECURITY?

LOVE OF MY LIFE.

AND THEN YOU GET ON THE PLANE.

AND YOU'VE NEVER FELT HATRED -- IF YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS,

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HATRED FEELS LIKE.

300 EYES, JUST,

"[ GASPS ] DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THEM."

PEOPLE THINK THAT, IF THEY DON'T LOOK AT US,

WE'LL JUST WALK OFF THE BACK OF THE PLANE.

NO. WE'RE THERE.

AND I UNDERSTAND -- IT'S A WHOLE THING.

WE'RE LIKE ONE OF THOSE MARDI GRAS FLOATS,

COMING DOWN THE MIDDLE LIKE, "WHOO! WHOO!"

BEADS, PEOPLE FLYING STUFF.

YEAH. THROWING THINGS AT OTHER PEOPLE.

ONE LADY CAUGHT EYE CONTACT WITH US,

AND SHE JUST STARTED PRAYING THE ROSARY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, GOD.

JUST KEEP THE GRISWOLDS AWAY FROM US, PLEASE."

AND BAD NEWS -- IF YOU'RE IN MY ROW,

WELL, YOU ARE NOW IN MY FAMILY.

"WELCOME TO MY FAMILY.

"WELCOME.

"HERE'S A SWEATER WITH THE FAMILY CREST ON IT.

"RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.

"PUT THE OTHER ONE ON THE US WEEKLY MAGAZINE.

WE'RE GONNA SWEAR YOU IN."

IT'S A LONG TRIP TO L.A.X.

SOMEONE HAS TO HOLD THE iPAD.

THE iPAD, IF YOU HAVE KIDS,

IS THE GREATEST INVENTION IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.

THE BEST.

I LOVE IT SO MUCH, I WOULD DIG STEVE JOBS UP,

AND I'D SUCK HIS DICK RIGHT NOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'D SUCK A DEAD GUY'S DICK

AND ACCEPT WHATEVER CAME INTO MY MOUTH FROM THE GUY.

OH, YEAH. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

MY SON SITS ON THESE LONG -- HE'S 4 YEARS OLD --

LONG FLIGHTS, 6 HOURS,

AND HE PLAYS WITH PUZZLES, AND HE DRAWS PICTURES,

AND HE WATCHES MOVIES, AND THEN HE FALLS ASLEEP.

AND YOU CAN TAKE IT TO THE BATHROOM AND PLEASURE YOURSELF.

NOW, YOU FIND ME SOMETHING THAT'S BETTER.

THEY GOT WiFi ON THESE PLANES NOW, GUYS.

YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER?

YEAH, "OCCUPIED."

STILL OCCUPIED.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS HAPPENING IN HERE?

THANK YOU TO THOSE OF YOU WHO WATCH "THE LEAGUE."

WE REALLY DO APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU, GUYS. THANKS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH. THANK YOU.

YES.

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME FOR WATCHING IT WEEK AFTER WEEK.

YES, IT'S BEEN A GREAT --

PEOPLE, YOU KNOW -- THEY LOVE THE SHOW.

-THEY YELL AT ME. -Man: [ SHOUTS ]

Rannazzisi: YES, EXACTLY.

YES, THEY YELL AND THEY SCREAM. IT'S AMAZING.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, THEY YELL AT ME AT THE WORST TIME.

THIS IS THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT TO YELL THINGS AT, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, THIS IS WHERE YOU WANT TO YELL "SHIVA" OR "KEVIN."

THERE'S WRONG TIMES --

WHEN I'M CHRISTMAS SHOPPING WITH MY 4-YEAR-OLD.

THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO HAVE A LITTLE CONVERSATION

-ABOUT YOUR LOVE FOR -- -Man: CHALUPA BATMAN!

Rannazzisi: CHALUPA BATMAN. EXACTLY.

YES.

I'VE HAD MORE CONVERSATIONS WITH DRUNK 28-YEAR-OLD PEOPLE

THAN I CARE TO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I REALLY DO.

I HAVE JAGER BREATH STAINS ON MY NECK

FROM THEIR HOT BREATH

ASKING ME QUESTIONS I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWERS TO.

YEAH. PEOPLE YELL AT ME.

I WAS AT THE MALL CHRISTMAS SHOPPING WITH MY 4-YEAR-OLD.

THIS GUY SEES ME. HE'S LIKE, "KEVIN!"

WHICH IS NOT MY NAME, BY THE WAY,

SO I'M NOT GONNA RESPOND TO THAT.

HE'S LIKE, "KEVIN! SHIVA!"

I'M LIKE, "COOL, MAN. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. HAPPY HOLIDAYS."

HE'S LIKE, "KEVIN!

"ONE MORE THING, MAN.

"YOU GOT TO SHOW ME THAT PRETTY DICK!

YEAH! YOU GOT A PRETTY DICK!"

I'M LIKE, "NOT AT THE MALL, BRO."

YOU HAD MY 4-YEAR-OLD WALKING AROUND

FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS LIKE RAINMAN,

GOING, "SHOW ME THAT PRETTY DICK. SHOW ME THAT PRETTY DICK.

SHOW ME THAT PRETTY DICK. SHOW ME THAT PRETTY DICK."

THEY'RE LIKE SPONGES AT THAT AGE.

YOU GUYS HAVE KIDS? A COUPLE OF YOU? YEAH?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, USUALLY, THE EARLY SHOW, THE PEOPLE WITH THE KIDS COME.

THEY GOT TO KNOW WHAT TIME THE FUN'S OVER.

THEY GOT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

YEAH. 'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO GO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.

YOU CAN HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS YOU WANT TONIGHT.

DO QUAALUDES. GET DRUNK.

IF YOU HAVE KIDS,

YOU STILL HAVE TO WAKE UP AT 6:30 IN THE MORNING.

YOU'LL WISH YOU FELL INTO A SINKHOLE.

"DADDY, DADDY, DAD, DAD, DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD!"

AND THEN A HEEL KICK TO THE TEMPLE.

TRY TO SNOOZE-BUTTON YOUR WAY THROUGH THAT. YOU CAN'T.

THERE IS NO SNOOZE BUTTON FOR LIFE.

THEN HE WAKES UP WITH A VIGOR.

CRACKS A LITTLE PIECE OF OUR SOUL OUT,

MIXES IT UP WITH HIS CEREAL.

"CHEERIOS AND SPIRIT. CHEERIOS AND SPIRIT."

AND HE LOVES IT. LOVES IT.

I DON'T HAVE A BABYSITTER ANYMORE.

I HAD TO MOVE BACK TO NEW YORK TO HAVE FAMILY WATCH MY KIDS.

WE HAD A BABYSITTER,

BUT, UH, SHE DOESN'T COME AROUND ANYMORE,

AFTER THE INCIDENT, SO...

OH, YEAH.

WHEN MY SON WAS 3, WE HAD AN INCIDENT AT MY HOUSE.

WE HAD A BABYSITTER COME OVER, A VERY LOVELY WOMAN,

HAD BEEN IN MY HOUSE BEFORE.

BUT MY SON DOES NOT LIKE WHEN MOMMY AND DADDY GOES OUT.

SO, MY WIFE AND I WERE COLLECTING OUR LAST-MINUTE STUFF

IN THE BACK OF THE BEDROOM,

AND MY SON'S OUT WITH THE BABYSITTER.

AND I PEEKED OUT,

AND ALL I SAW WAS HIM WALKING UP AND DOWN THE LIVING ROOM,

JUST STARING AT THIS BABYSITTER LIKE A PRISON INMATE,

LIKE ONE OF THOSE "LOCKED UP: RAW" PEOPLE.

AND THEN HE STOPS, AND HE LOOKS AT HER,

AND HE RIPS HIS DIAPER OFF LIKE A CHIPPENDALES DANCER.

FFFT! GONE. "DON'T NEED THAT ANYMORE."

AND THEN HE SMILES,

AND HE BEGINS TO LOWER HIS BODY LIKE THIS TOWARDS THE GROUND,

THE WHOLE TIME STARING RIGHT INTO THIS BABYSITTER'S EYES,

AND THEN HE PROCEEDS TO SHIT ON THE FLOOR,

GETS UP, AND WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.

"OHH!"

NOW, NEEDLESS TO SAY,

THERE'S NOT A PARENTING BOOK OUT THERE

THAT WILL EXPLAIN WHAT TO DO IN THE CASE OF HUMAN FECES.

THEY DON'T WRITE THOSE BOOKS.

I SPRINTED OUT OF MY ROOM,

AND I LOOKED AT THIS POOR BABYSITTER,

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I WAS SO EMBARRASSED,

I ASKED THE DUMBEST QUESTION YOU COULD HAVE ASKED.

I WAS LIKE, "WELL...

[ SIGHS ]

"WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS CRAZY."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, UH, ONE OF US SHIT ON THE FLOOR,

"AND ONE OF US QUIT.

"SO, ONE OF US SHIT AND ONE OF US QUIT.

WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK I AM -- THE SHITTER OR THE QUITTER?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

THESE KIDS FLIP THE SWITCH ON YOU EVERY DAY.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE NEXT DAY IS GONNA HOLD.

ONE DAY, MY 4-YEAR-OLD JUST STARTED MAKING A FIST LIKE THIS,

AND HE RAISES HIS OWN FIST IN THE AIR,

AND HE WOULD STARE AT IT LIKE THOR.

FOR AN UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT OF TIME,

HE WOULD JUST LOOK AT HIS OWN FIST.

AND THEN, WHENEVER HE FELT LIKE IT,

HE WOULD JUST PUNCH WHATEVER WAS IN FRONT OF HIM.

DIDN'T LOOK TO SEE WHAT WAS AROUND,

JUST BLINDLY SWINGING AT PEOPLE.

YEAH, HE'S TURNING INTO A DICK.

THAT'S WHAT DICKS DO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DICKS DO THAT.

WHERE AM I GONNA BRING THAT? WHERE COULD YOU BRING IT?

TO PUBLIC? YOU GONNA BRING IT TO A RESTAURANT?

THIS YOU'RE GONNA BRING TO A RESTAURANT?

A PARK? NO.

WE'RE NOT ALLOWED BACK AT A PUBLIC PARK IN LOS ANGELES.

I WOULD HAVE TO FILL OUT PAPERWORK

IF I WANTED TO GO BACK THERE.

MY SON MAKES THE FIST LIKE THIS,

AND HE SEES THIS OTHER KID WALKING PAST.

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, SHIT. IT'S GONNA GO DOWN."

BUT HE WALKED PAST THE KID,

SO I THOUGHT WE WERE IN THE CLEAR.

HE WALKED OVER TO THE KID'S DAD,

AND THE POOR DAD DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

THE POOR DAD'S LIKE, "OH, HEY, LITTLE BUDDY.

WANT TO DO THE FIST POUND?"

AND MY SON'S LIKE, "NOPE. NOT TODAY."

AND THEN HIT THIS GUY IN HIS APPLE BAG SO HARD...

THE GROWN MAN IS ON THE GROUND WRITHING IN PAIN,

SCREAMING THE WORST OBSCENITIES YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.

AND I'M STANDING NEXT TO LITTLE ROCKY BALBOA, WHO'S LAUGHING.

AND HOW DO YOU SAY YOU'RE SORRY TO THAT?

WHAT IS THE "I'M SORRY" FOR A DIRECT DICK PUNCH?

IS IT A MONETARY SUM?

DOES HE GET TO PUNCH ME IN THE DICK?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RULES ARE.

NOBODY EVER TELLS YOU THIS STUFF.

WE HAVE TWO KIDS NOW. TWO OF THESE ANIMALS.

MY 10-MONTH-OLD'S THE BEST. HE JUST LOVES TO EAT.

GOD, THIS KID LOVES TO EAT. LOVES IT.

HE'S SO HAPPY EATING

THAT EVEN WHEN HE'S NOT EATING AND HE SEES YOU EATING,

HE'S LIKE, "THIS IS FUCKING GREAT!

ISN'T THIS AWESOME? EATING'S THE BEST!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY WIFE WAS IN LABOR, THE SECOND TIME, FOR 6 HOURS.

FIRST TIME, 17,

SO I THINK THAT MY FIRST SON

KIND OF GREASED THE WHEELS ON THE WAY OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YEAH, 17 HOURS IS A LONG TIME.

PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IT AS THOUGH IT'S THE MIRACLE OF LIFE.

LET ME TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING.

I WAS IN THAT ROOM FOR ALL 17 HOURS,

AND VERY LITTLE OF IT IS MIRACULOUS.

OKAY? THIS IS HOW IT REALLY GOES DOWN.

EVERY 10 MINUTES, SOMEONE COMES INTO THE ROOM.

THEY DON'T TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE OR WHY THEY'RE THERE.

THERE'S NO EXPLANATION. THEY JUST LOOK OFFICIAL ENOUGH.

THEY'VE GOT ALL THE STUFF IN THE RIGHT SPOTS

TO BE ABLE TO WALK INTO YOUR ROOM, WILLY-NILLY,

AND JUST SHOVE THEIR HANDS INTO YOUR WIFE'S VAGINA LIKE THIS.

THERE'S NO EYE CONTACT. IT'S NOT BEAUTIFUL.

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE JUST LOOKING FOR CHANGE IN A COUCH.

AND THEN THEY'RE GONE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

"SHOULD I CALL MY LAWYER OR SOMETHING RIGHT NOW?

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?"

BUT YOU'RE SO TIRED AFTER 17 HOURS,

YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "AW, FUCK IT.

"SOMEONE ELSE'S HAND'S IN MY WIFE'S VAGINA,

SO I'M JUST GONNA KEEP WATCHING "SportsCenter."

SOMEONE LET ME KNOW

WHEN THIS LITTLE MIRACLE IS GOING TO OCCUR, PLEASE.

MY WIFE HAD MORE HANDS IN HER VAGINA IN 17 HOURS,

I WAS GONNA CHANGE HER NAME TO KARDASHIAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS.

YEAH. FIVE.

EVERY DAY I SEE HIM,

I AM SO SURPRISED HE HASN'T KILLED HIMSELF.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW, AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

"THERE HE IS AGAIN!

"ANOTHER TEA PARTY ON THE FRONT LAWN.

HEY, BUDDY, KEEP IT UP! YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB!"

FIVE DAUGHTERS.

HE'S GOT A 16-YEAR OLD, TRIPLET 13-YEAR-OLDS --

[ CROWD GROANS ]

LISTEN TO YOU GUYS.

YOU GUYS --

"OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!"

YEAH.

AND THEY HAD SEX AGAIN AFTER THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WOULD'VE CUT IT OFF.

HE WAS PROBABLY LIKE, "COME ON.

GIVE ME SOMEONE I CAN PEE STANDING UP WITH, PLEASE!"

NO. ANOTHER DAUGHTER,

A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL NAMED FAITH.

THEY NAMED HER FAITH.

YEAH, I WOULD HAVE NAMED HER "BLACK TAR HEROIN ADDICTION."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MIDDLE NAME -- "COME ON!"

BUT HE'S GOT THEM ALL LINED UP.

THEY'RE WELL-BEHAVED.

GIRLS ARE JUST SO MUCH BETTER, WHEN THEY'RE YOUNGER,

THAN BOYS -- SO MUCH BETTER.

HIS LITTLE ONE COMES OVER TO OUR HOUSE ALL THE TIME,

AND MY SON AND HER,

YOU SEND THEM DOWNSTAIRS WITH A BOX OF CRAYONS,

AND THEY'LL GO DOWN THERE FOR HOURS, DRAWING PICTURES.

AND I GO DOWN THERE TO CHECK ON THEM,

AND THE LITTLE GIRL HAS ALL OF HER PICTURES LINED UP.

SHE HAS THEM HUNG, AND SHE'S FRAMING THEM.

SHE'S LIKE, "LOOK, UNCLE STEVE.

LOOK AT ALL THE PICTURES I DREW."

I GO, "FAITH, THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL!

YOU DID SUCH A GREAT JOB!"

FULL DISCLOSURE -- THEY ARE PIECES OF SHIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE'S SOMETHING OFF WITH HER EYEBALLS OR SOMETHING.

VISUALLY, SHE HAS ISSUES.

BUT THEN I PAN OVER TO SEE MY SON STANDING THERE --

NO SHIRT ON...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...NO EYE CONTACT, NOTHING DRAWN ON ANY PAPER --

NOTHING, NO MARKINGS AT ALL.

THEY'VE BEEN DOWN THERE FOR HOURS.

HE'S JUST...

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "HEY, BUDDY. WHERE ARE YOUR PICTURES?"

HE'S LIKE...

THEN HE OPENS UP HIS MOUTH,

AND OUT POURS HUNDREDS OF PIECES OF CRAYON IN LIQUID FORM.

NOW I'M ON THE FLOOR, LOOKING FOR WHOLE ONES.

I CAN'T FIND ANY WHOLE ONES!

I SENT THEM DOWN WITH A BOX OF 36!

I FOUND TWO -- TWO WHOLE ONES!

NOW, THEY SAY THEY'RE NOT POISONOUS,

BUT IF YOU EAT 30 OF ANYTHING, THINGS ARE GONNA GO WRONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HIS SHITS FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS

LOOKED LIKE JACKSON POLLOCK PAINTINGS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO FLUSH THEM

OR HAVE THEM CURATED.

THEY WERE BEAUTIFUL.

I'M NOT GONNA HIT MY KIDS.

YOU CAN'T. YOU CANNOT DO IT.

JUST TEACHES THEM HOW TO LIE. PUT FEAR IN THEM.

BUT LAST WEEK, I STEPPED ON A LEGO WITH A BARE FOOT,

AND I ALMOST MURDERED MY WHOLE FAMILY.

ALMOST KILLED THEM ALL. FAMILY ANNIHILATOR.

START A NEW LIFE.

I WOULD'VE KEPT THE BEARD AND KEPT DOING "THE LEAGUE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

DID YOU EVER STEP ON A LEGO WITH A BARE FOOT?

DID YOU EVER DO IT?

IT WILL MAKE YOU REEVALUATE YOUR LIFE CHOICES.

EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER HELD SACRED IN YOUR LIFE --

OUT THE WINDOW.

BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER.

YOU'RE WALKING AROUND YOUR OWN HOUSE.

YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE LIKE, "I GOT BARE FEET. AH!"

BAM! YOU FEEL --

THE PAIN STARTS HERE,

BUT IT TRAVELS QUICKLY TO YOUR BRAIN,

AND YOUR BRAIN'S LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!"

IT DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO COMPUTE THIS PAIN.

THERE ARE WIRES SHOOTING OFF SMOKE.

AND THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT, OKAY?

'CAUSE NOW YOU'RE JUMPING UP AND DOWN

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHEN YOUR FOOT'S GONNA FALL OFF.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE PAIN THAT YOU HAVE TO LOOK FOR.

BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

LEGOS ARE LIKE COCKROACHES.

WHERE YOU SEE ONE, THERE'S 10 MORE HIDING OUT IN THE SHADOWS

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE THERE.

SO NOW YOU'RE HOPPING UP AND DOWN ON ONE LEG

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT, AND THEN ALL YOUR WEIGHT

LANDS ON TOP OF THAT SECOND LEGO,

AND YOUR BRAIN'S LIKE, "SHUT THIS SHIT DOWN!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HIT THE FLOOR.

I WAS CRYING. TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE.

I WAS WRITING LETTERS TO MY SONS IN MY HEAD.

I THOUGHT I WAS DEAD.

AND I NEEDED THAT PAIN.

IN THAT MOMENT, THAT'S WHAT I NEEDED.

BECAUSE THAT PAIN WAS THE ONLY THING THAT STOPPED ME

FROM TAKING MY 4-YEAR-OLD AND POSTING HIM ON CRAIGSLIST

FOR HUMAN TRAFFICKING.

"HERE. HE COMES IN THE NUDE."

I'M SCARED.

YOU KNOW, I'M A DAD. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT I'M DOING YET.

YOU KNOW, I TRY TO EMULATE SOME OF THE STUFF THAT MY DAD DID,

BUT HIS DISCIPLINE METHOD WAS DIFFERENT.

HE JUST WANTED OUR ATTENTION RIGHT AWAY.

LIKE, HE HAD A WHISTLE, THAT DAD WHISTLE.

YOU KNOW THAT DAD WHISTLE?

THE ONE WHERE THEY WOULD STICK THOSE TWO SAUSAGE-LINK FINGERS

IN THEIR MOUTH AND JUST HAD A HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE?

DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE IT?

[ AUDIENCE WHISTLING ] NO, IT'S LIKE A --

-[ HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE ] -Rannazzisi: YES!

WHO DID THAT?! OH, MY GOD!

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MY GOD!

THAT'S THE WHISTLE

THAT YOU'D BE OUTSIDE PLAYING WITH YOUR FRIENDS --

YOU WOULD HEAR THAT WHISTLE, AND YOU'D BE LIKE,

"I GOT TO GO, GUYS. I GOT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

"I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY DAD IS, BUT HE'S PISSED.

"THIS IS NOT GOOD NEWS.

"I'LL SEE YOU GUYS AT GRADUATION, ALL RIGHT?

JUST SAVE ME A SEAT."

I DON'T HAVE THAT DAD WHISTLE. I DON'T HAVE IT.

THIS IS MY DAD WHISTLE. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE.

[ WHISTLES SOFTLY ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY TIME I DO THIS BIT,

I LOOK LIKE I'M BLOWING A HUMMINGBIRD.

I'M LIKE -- [ WHISTLES SOFTLY ]

THAT'S IT.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THAT?

HOW AM I EVER GONNA DISCIPLINE MY BOYS?

I'M GONNA COME OUT OF MY HOUSE. "WHERE ARE MY BOYS?!"

[ WHISTLES SOFTLY ]

THEY'RE GONNA BE PLAYING WITH THEIR FRIENDS.

ONE OF THEM'S GONNA HEAR IT AND BE LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT?"

"OH, THAT'S MY GAY DAD.

HE'S PISSED. WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE."

"WHERE ARE MY BOYS?! I WANT TO GET FROYO!"

[ WHISTLES SOFTLY ]

MY 4-YEAR-OLD THE OTHER DAY --

HE LOOKS AT ME -- THIS LITTLE SON OF A BITCH --

HE LOOKS AT ME, AND HE'S LIKE,

"HEY, YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

HE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, YES, I AM THE BOSS OF YOU.

"YOU ARE THE ONLY THING IN MY LIFE THAT I'M THE BOSS OF.

"EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY WORLD TELLS ME WHAT TO DO.

"MY ASSHOLE BEFORE HAS BEEN LIKE, 'TIME TO GET OUT OF HERE,'

"AND I GOT TO LISTEN TO HIM.

BUT YOU -- I'M THE C.E.O. OF YOU, BITCH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S GOOD.

I REMEMBER -- I REMEMBER BUTTING HEADS WITH MY DAD.

THE FIRST BIG ARGUMENT WE EVER GOT INTO,

I WAS ABOUT 8 YEARS OLD.

AND AT THAT POINT IN MY LIFE, I THOUGHT I OWNED MY ROOM.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS

START TO LET YOU PUT POSTERS ON THE WALL,

AND YOU'RE 8,

AND YOU'VE PISSED YOUR BED A THOUSAND TIMES,

SO YOU MARKED YOUR TERRITORY.

YOUR FEET SMELL.

IT'S YOUR ROOM. IT FEELS LIKE A SAFE PLACE.

YOU FORGET THAT YOUR PARENTS OWN THE WHOLE HOUSE.

SO, MY DAD AND I, WE WERE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

AND I WAS UPSET, AND I WAS FRUSTRATED.

I WAS LIKE A LITTLE KID

THAT DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS MYSELF.

AND I SAID SOMETHING TO HIM THAT I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID,

AND I KNEW, ANYTIME THAT ANYONE HAD EVER SAID THIS,

BAD THINGS HAPPENED.

SO, I LOOKED AT MY DAD,

AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD?

FUCK YOU!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN I WENT TO MY ROOM,

AND I SLAMMED THE DOOR IN HIS FACE.

AND MY ROOM WAS NO LONGER A SAFE PLACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HAVE YOU EVER FELT TENSION BEFORE,

FELT SILENCE, WHERE, OUTSIDE, YOU DON'T HEAR ANYTHING,

BUT, INSIDE, YOUR BRAIN'S LIKE,

"[High-pitched voice] WHAT THE FUCK DID WE DO?!

WE SCREWED UP!"

[ Normal voice ] I DIDN'T SEE MY DAD.

I JUST SAW THE SCREWS FROM THE HINGES COMING OFF THE DOOR.

AND THIS MAN TOOK THE WHOLE DOOR OFF THE HINGES.

AND WHEN I SAW HIM FOR A SECOND, HE WAS SMILING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE TOOK THE DOOR DOWNSTAIRS,

AND HE SAWED IT IN HALF -- NOT WITH A POWER SAW.

HE WAS DOWN THERE

LIKE RYAN GOSLING IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY,

JUST SAWING THIS DOOR IN HALF.

THEN HE CAME BACK UP,

AND HE SCREWED THE BOTTOM HALF ON.

SO, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,

I HAD ONE OF THOSE LITTLE HALF SWING-DOORS LIKE THIS.

YEAH, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SELLING

CELLPHONE CASES AND SNICKERS BARS

OUT OF THIS LITTLE MALL KIOSK I WAS RUNNING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, HE'D STICK HIS HEAD IN,

"YOU LIKE YOUR ROOM NOW, ASSHOLE?

YEAH, TRY TO JERK OFF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GOT BACK AT HIM.

I WAS 15. I SAT THERE ALL DAY LONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SHOULD HAVE PUNCHED THE CLOCK. I WAS THERE ALL DAY.

HE'D BE WALKING BY.

I'D BE LIKE, "AH, THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, MAN.

[ LAUGHS ]

"CONSEQUENCES, BITCH.

YOU'RE GONNA PAY THAT PIPER."

MY PARENTS LOVE MY WIFE -- LOVE HER, LOVE HER TO DEATH.

WE'VE BEEN MARRIED SEVEN YEARS.

AND, LOOK, HERE'S THE DEAL.

IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED,

FIGURE OUT WHAT KIND OF WEDDING YOU WANT TO HAVE

AND MAKE SURE YOU BOTH KNOW

BECAUSE THESE WEDDINGS CAN GET OUT OF CONTROL.

THEY'RE VERY EXPENSIVE, EVEN THE LITTLE THINGS YOU HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH WEDDING INVITATIONS GO FOR?

OH, YEAH. YEAH.

THEY SHOULD DO A "60 MINUTES" EXPOSé

ON THE WEDDING-INVITATION INDUSTRY.

THEY SHOULD.

I WENT TO THIS PLACE IN BEVERLY HILLS CALLED SOOLIP

FOR MY WEDDING INVITATIONS.

NOW, GRANTED, IT'S BEVERLY HILLS, AND I GET THAT.

IT'S GONNA BE A LITTLE MORE OVERPRICED.

BUT I HEARD THAT THEY'RE GONNA FRANCHISE.

SO IF THEY EVER OPEN A SOOLIP UP IN NEW ORLEANS,

I WANT ALL OF YOU TO GO THERE,

AND I WANT YOU TO LIGHT IT ON FIRE.

IT'S FILLED WITH PAPER.

IT'LL BURN TO THE FUCKING GROUND.

I WENT TO THIS PLACE,

AND AS SOON AS YOU WALK IN, THEY HAND YOU CHAMPAGNE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OOH, I'M GONNA GET DRUNK. THIS IS AWESOME."

YOU SIT DOWN, YOU START TALKING WITH THE LADY.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, I NEED ABOUT 120 WEDDING INVITATIONS

FOR ABOUT 200 PEOPLE."

SHE PULLS OUT A CALCULATOR.

SHE STARTS DOING NUMBERS, ADDING THINGS UP.

AND I'M GOING, "IF SHE NEEDS A CALCULATOR,

WE ARE IN FOR SOME SERIOUS ARITHMETIC RIGHT NOW."

BUT THEN SHE LOOKS AT ME WITH A STRAIGHT FACE,

LIKE IT'S COMPLETELY NORMAL,

AND SHE GOES, "THAT'S GONNA BE $4,000, SIR."

YEAH, $4,000.

RIGHT AWAY, I WAS LIKE, "OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, SWEET TITS."

BECAUSE AT THAT POINT,

FORMALITIES ARE NOW OUT THE WINDOW.

YOU ARE JUST A DISGRUNTLED CONSUMER.

SO SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT. IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.

I WAS LIKE, "FOR $4,000, HOW ABOUT I DO THIS?

"HOW ABOUT I BUY A BALD EAGLE OFF OF eBAY

"AND I TRAIN THIS ENDANGERED SPECIES

"TO FLY AN INVITATION INTO EVERYBODY'S HOUSE

ALL ACROSS THIS WONDERFUL LAND OF OURS?

"HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE INTERNET?

"ONE BUTTON -- SEND --

"EVERYONE GETS AN E-VITE FOR FREE.

"YOU MAY WANT TO RETHINK YOUR PRICES A LITTLE BIT.

"FOR $4,000, IT BETTER COME WITH A BLOWJOB AND A FLATSCREEN.

"THOSE ARE TWO THINGS I CAN USE RIGHT NOW.

START SUCKING."

4,000 BUCKS FOR PAPER?

PAPER WITH WORDS WRITTEN ON IT? THAT'S ALL IT IS.

IT'S NOT PAPER THAT CAME FROM THE LOGS OF LINCOLN'S CABIN.

IT'S FUCKING PAPER.

HAS ANYONE IN THIS ROOM EVER OPENED UP A WEDDING INVITATION

AND WENT, "OH, MY GOD, HONEY,

"COME IN HERE AND FEEL THE GIRTH OF THIS PAPER!

"OH, MY GOD!

"THIS WOULD LOOK SMART IN A SHADOW BOX ON THE MANTEL.

THAT'D LOOK NICE!"

NO, YOU OPEN IT UP, AND YOU GO,

"FIRST OF ALL, WHAT ARE WE DOING IN 2016?

"DOES ANYONE KNOW? WHAT DO THE MAYANS SAY?

ARE WE STILL GONNA BE AROUND THEN?"

THEN YOU OPEN IT UP, YOU THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE.

AND THAT'S IT. YOU'RE DONE.

NO ONE EVER HANGS ON TO THEM.

THAT'S A WASTE OF MONEY.

FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY, I COULD'VE BOUGHT HALLMARK CARDS

AND STUFFED 35 BUCKS CASH IN EACH ONE.

YEAH, YOU OPEN THAT UP, YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, SHIT! CASH?!

"YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO THIS FUCKING THING, BABE.

"PIN THIS SHIT TO THE CALENDAR.

"THIS GUY'S GIVING AWAY CASH IN THE INVITE.

"HE MAY HAVE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL. P. DIDDY MIGHT BE HANGING OUT.

"CHAIRS MADE OF SHRIMP. I DON'T KNOW.

TALKING ABOUT DECADENCE, HERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE MY WIFE MARRIED ME.

I MADE SO MANY STUPID MISTAKES COURTING HER.

OH, MY GOD.

I USE THAT TERM LOOSELY -- "COURTING."

THE WORST FIGHT WE EVER GOT INTO -- OH, MY GOD.

WE WERE LIKE 20 YEARS OLD, 21.

WE WERE LIVING IN BROOKLYN, NEW YORK,

AND MY SISTER WAS GRADUATING COLLEGE IN UPSTATE NEW YORK.

NOW, I DON'T HAVE TO REALLY TELL YOU GUYS.

MOST METROPOLITAN CITIES ARE THE SAME,

WHERE THERE'S LIKE A 15-MINUTE GAP ON A FRIDAY

WHERE YOU CAN LEAVE THE CITY AND GET OUT TO THE OUTSKIRTS

WITHOUT HAVING TO BRING A TENT AND SOME SUPPLIES

AND SLEEP ON A MAJOR HIGHWAY, YOU KNOW?

TRAFFIC CAN GET REALLY, REALLY BAD.

SO I KNOW THIS FRAME,

THIS LITTLE TIME FRAME THAT I HAVE TO GET INTO.

SO I TOLD MY WIFE -- I WAS LIKE, "BABE,

"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. WE'RE IN.

WE GOT TO GET THIS THING DONE." SHE'S LIKE, "GREAT."

WE GET IN THE CAR. WE'RE DRIVING UP.

10 MINUTES AWAY. NO TRAFFIC. SHE'S TALKING, AND SHE'S HAPPY.

AND I'M JUST LIKE, "OH, GOD, IS THIS WHOLE TRIP

GONNA BE YOU WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH LIKE THIS?"

SO, THEN, SHE'S TALKING, AND SHE STOPS.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. I FORGOT IT."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DID YOU FORGET?"

SHE'S LIKE, "I FORGOT THE DRESS.

I FORGOT THE DRESS THAT I BOUGHT FOR THE GRADUATION."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GO NAKED

BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING BACK."

SHE'S LIKE, "PLEASE, PLEASE! WE HAVE TO GO BACK.

I BOUGHT THIS SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS."

I'M LIKE, "FINE! FUCK IT!"

WE TURN AROUND. WE GO BACK. SHE GOES UP TO GET THE DRESS.

I GO NEXT DOOR TO THE DELI TO GRAB A COUPLE SANDWICHES

'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA NEED THEM NOW.

WE GET BACK IN THE CAR,

AND WE ARE IN NOW BUMPER-TO-BUMPER TRAFFIC,

THE WORST.

AND MY HEAD IS SPLITTING AND THROBBING.

AND SHE'S EATING, AND SHE'S HAPPY,

AND SHE'S TALKING TO ME

ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON WITH HER.

AND SHE JUST KEPT GOING.

AND I FINALLY TURNED, AND I WENT,

"BABE, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR? LET'S NOT TALK ANYMORE.

LET'S NOT SPEAK TO ONE ANOTHER. LET'S JUST SHUT ALL THIS DOWN."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

"YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

NO ONE'S EVER TAUGHT YOU TO BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING."

AND SHE JUST KEPT GOING.

SO WHAT DID I DO? I LOST MY MIND.

I GRABBED HER SANDWICH OUT OF HER LAP,

AND I THREW IT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SAID, "YOU WANT YOUR SANDWICH? NOW IT'S ON THE BQE. ENJOY IT."

SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. YOU ARE AN ANIMAL.

"LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL SOMEONE LEFT THE DOOR OPEN TO.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

BUT THEN SHE WAS QUIET, AND I FELT LIKE I WON.

BUT I'M DRIVING NOW,

AND I NOTICE ON THE CONSOLE OF MY CAR

THERE'S A HUGE DOLLOP OF MUSTARD -- HUGE --

AND IT CAME OUT OF HER SANDWICH.

IT DID NOT COME OUT OF MINE BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET MUSTARD.

SO I'M LOOKING AT THIS DOLLOP OF MUSTARD, AND IT'S STEWING.

I'M LIKE, "GOD DAMN THIS THING.

I AM NOT CLEANING THIS UP. I AM NOT."

AND I'M SAYING ALL THIS IN MY HEAD,

AND I'M LIKE, "I AM NOT GONNA DO THIS."

FINALLY I TURN TO HER AND GO,

"HEY, BABE, YOU KNOW YOU SPILLED SOME MUSTARD?

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST CLEAN THAT UP."

SHE'S LIKE, "FUCK YOU, CLEAN UP THE MUSTARD!

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE -- MR. BELVEDERE IN HERE?"

AND SHE JUST KEPT GOING.

SO WHAT DID I DO? I LOST MY MIND.

I LOOKED AT HER, AND I WAS LIKE,

"OH, DON'T WORRY. I'LL CLEAN UP THE MUSTARD."

AND I GRABBED THE DRESS THAT SHE BOUGHT FOR THE GRADUATION

IN THE BACK SEAT, AND I WIPED THE MUSTARD UP MYSELF.

HOLY SHIT!

YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE "MAN ON FIRE"

WHEN DENZEL SHOVES THAT ROCKET UP THAT GUY'S ASS,

AND HE FLOATS?

WELL, THANK GOD MY WIFE DIDN'T HAVE AN ASS ROCKET

'CAUSE I WOULD'VE BEEN DEAD.

SHE JUMPED OUT OF A MOVING CAR.

LITERALLY IS NOW RUNNING DOWN THE ROAD.

AND I'M LIKE, "I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR HER.

I HAVE TO GET HER BACK INTO THE CAR."

I'M LIKE, "BABE, PLEASE, PLEASE COME BACK INTO THE CAR.

"I AM SO SORRY. WE NEVER HAVE TO TALK.

BUT YOU HAVE TO GET BACK IN THE CAR."

FINALLY GETS BACK IN.

WE'RE DRIVING UP IN SILENCE, LIKE FUNERAL SILENCE NOW.

AND IT'S APPARENT THAT WE'RE NEVER GONNA SPEAK AGAIN.

SO, WE GET TO THE GRADUATION, AND WE CHECK INTO THE HOTEL.

AND I WENT TO MY ROOM, AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE WENT.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA GO LOOK FOR ANOTHER BOYFRIEND.

BUT HERE'S A SIDENOTE.

LIKE I SAID, MY PARENTS LOVE HER

A THOUSAND TIMES MORE THAN THEY'VE EVER LOVED ME.

SO, NOW I'M SLEEPING IN MY OWN ROOM

THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS A KEY TO -- NOBODY.

AND I JUST FEEL EYES STARING AT ME.

I SORT OF OPENED UP MY ONE EYE, AND MY DAD JUST LEANS DOWN,

AND HE STICKS HIS FINGERS IN HIS MOUTH,

AND HE WHISTLES AS LOUD AS HE CAN.

AND MY MOM JUST STARTS THROWING THINGS AT ME.

SHE'S THROWING EVERYTHING AT ME. THEN SHE TURNS TO MY DAD.

SHE'S LIKE, "THIS IS ALL YOU! YOU DID THIS!"

SO MY DAD STARTS TO HIT ME.

MY WIFE IS IN THE BACK

EATING A HAM SANDWICH LIKE THIS --

"NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM."

[ APPLAUSE ]

WE GOT MARRIED FIVE YEARS LATER, GUYS.

MIRACLES HAPPEN.

WE LIVED TOGETHER BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.

PEOPLE ASK, "WHEN DID YOU GUYS MOVE IN?

WHEN DID YOU GUYS DECIDE YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT?"

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

"ONE DAY SHE WAS THERE,

"AND THEN SHE JUST SORT OF NEVER LEFT.

THAT WAS IT."

WOMEN DON'T NECESSARILY TELL YOU WHEN THEY MOVE IN.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

THEY JUST SLOWLY INVADE YOUR SHIT LIKE GERMANY.

EVERY DAY YOU FIND NEW SHIT AT YOUR HOUSE.

YEAH.

THEY DON'T SAY LIKE, "HEY, CAN YOU MAKE ME A KEY?"

THEY JUST COME IN.

YOU START TO SEE THINGS THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE --

TOOTHBRUSHES AND THEN HER iPOD.

THEN YOU START TO SEE PICTURES OF PEOPLE

THAT YOU NEVER EVEN MET BEFORE.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE.

THERE'S A PICTURE OF SOME DUDE WITH A SOMBRERO

ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT GUY?

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO CANCúN."

THEN ONE DAY, ALL YOUR SHIT'S JUST GONE.

IT'S JUST GONE. I USED TO HAVE STUFF, THINGS.

THEY WEREN'T NICE THINGS, BUT THEY WERE MY THINGS.

I HAD A NIKE SWOOSH IN A FRAME.

YEAH. I WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT!

"LOOK AT THAT DOPE-ASS NIKE SWOOSH!

FRAME THAT SHIT! UNH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS BLACK FOR TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU GUYS.

IT WAS AN ERA OF BLACKNESS.

CAME HOME ONE DAY, ALL OF IT WAS GONE --

JUST GONE --

REPLACED WITH WICKER HEARTS AND SCONCES WITH CANDLES.

REMEMBER SCONCES? YEAH, SCONCES HOLD CANDLES.

I HAD 48 CANDLES IN A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT.

I HAD NO IDEA WHY.

I WAS LIKE, "LOOK AT THIS, SWEETHEART.

"THIS IS CALLED A LIGHT SWITCH.

"I PAY THE UTILITY BILL EVERY MONTH.

WE DON'T NEED THE CATHEDRAL HERE, OKAY?"

BUT SHE WENT TO BED EARLY,

AND IT WAS MY JOB TO PUT THEM OUT.

I WAS LIKE AN ALTAR BOY AT THE END OF THE NIGHT,

PUTTING OUT ALL THE CANDLES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I USED TO HAVE ONE PILLOW ON MY BED -- ONE.

YEAH, IT HAD BROWN STAINS ON IT,

AND I FOLDED IT FOUR TIMES, AND I PUT IT BEHIND MY HEAD.

BUT I MISS IT. I DO.

YOU KNOW WHY? I HAVE 14 PILLOWS ON MY BED.

14. NO HUMAN BEING NEEDS 14 PILLOWS TO SLEEP.

I GOOGLED THAT SHIT.

PARAPLEGICS NEED THREE AT THE MOST.

YES.

FOR SAFETY.

BUT THE WORST PART WAS,

SHE WOULD GO TO WORK EARLY IN THE MORNING,

AND GUESS WHOSE JOB IT WAS TO MAKE THE BED?

YEAH, THE UNEMPLOYED COMEDIAN RIGHT OVER HERE.

EVERY DAY, I'D BE SWEATING AT 11:30 IN THE MORNING,

TRYING TO REMEMBER WHERE THE UNICORN PILLOW GOES.

ALSO TRYING TO REMEMBER WHERE THAT LOG GOES.

WHERE DOES THAT LOG GO? AT THE BOTTOM, OR THE TOP?

WHAT DOES IT DO?

MEANWHILE, I WAS WATCHING "MAURY POVICH,"

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHOSE BABY IT WAS.

"WAS IT DARNELL'S BABY OR LAQUAN'S BABY?

"I'M NOT SURE WHOSE BABY IT IS.

"IT'S GOT LAQUAN'S EYES,

BUT IT COULD STILL GO EITHER WAY IN MY MIND."

AND THEN SHE'D COME HOME...

...EVERY DAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE WAS NOT ONE DAY WHERE SHE DIDN'T COME HOME.

SOMETIMES I'D SIT AT HOME, GOING,

"OH, MAYBE SHE WON'T COME HOME TODAY.

"OH, THERE SHE IS! YAY!

LOVE OF MY LIFE."

AND THAT'S WHEN THE TALKING,

THE COMMUNICATION PROCESS HAPPENED.

YEAH.

YEAH, BACK THEN, IT WAS JUST HER AND I.

THERE WERE NO KIDS, DISTRACTIONS AT ALL.

IT WAS JUST HER AND I.

SHE HAD A LOT TO SAY, ALL DAY LONG.

MY WIFE -- I WAS POSITIVE -- HAD A METAPHORICAL BOX,

AND SHE WOULD TAKE HER THOUGHTS ALL DAY,

AND SHE WOULD JUST DROP THEM INTO THIS BOX.

"OOH, THIS IS A GOOD TOPIC OF CONVERSATION.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ] OOH!

I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT THIS WHEN I GET HOME."

THEN WHEN SHE WOULD GET THERE,

SHE WOULD JUST VOMIT THE BOX ONTO MY FACE,

LIKE SOME SORT OF VERBAL BUKKAKE.

I WOULD JUST TAKE -- "AAH!"

PREPOSITIONAL PHRASES OFF MY EYELIDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TELL ME STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

BUT YOU HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION.

YOU HAVE TO MATCH INTENSITY. THAT'S THE KEY.

SHE WOULD TELL ME THESE STORIES ABOUT A WOMAN,

AND IT DIDN'T MATTER WHO THE WOMAN WAS.

SHE'D BE LIKE, "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT THIS WOMAN SAID THAT?"

I'D BE LIKE, "BABE, SHE'S A BITCH!

"AND SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN A BITCH!

"FROM DAY ONE, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT WOMAN!

DON'T TRUST HER!"

I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO IT WAS SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

IT DIDN'T MATTER.

YOU JUST HAVE TO MATCH THE INTENSITY.

SHE WOULD STARE AT ME LIKE A HAWK

TO MAKE SURE I WAS LISTENING

TO EVERY WORD THAT CAME OUT OF HER MOUTH.

"I WANT TO BE AN ACTRESS. I'M GONNA BE A WRITER.

"DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?"

"'SportsCenter.'"

"WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WATCH NEXT?"

"THE SAME FUCKING 'SportsCenter' --

THE SAME ONE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU'RE TALKING THROUGH THE HIGHLIGHTS."

IT GOT TO THE POINT -- I'M A COMEDIAN.

I WOULD GET HOME LATE FROM WORK EVERY NIGHT.

I WOULD HAVE TO SNEAK INTO MY VERY OWN BED,

JUST PRAYING THAT I DIDN'T RUFFLE THE SHEETS TOO MUCH.

BECAUSE IF I DID -- BOOM! SHE WAS RIGHT HERE.

"MY FEET HURT. MY BACK HURTS. I HATE MY JOB. DO YOU LOVE ME?

DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA."

SO I JUST THOUGHT SHE WAS LIKE A T. REX.

IF I DIDN'T MOVE, SHE COULDN'T SEE ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR I'D SAY, "DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?"

AND [SNORES]

RIGHT TO FUCKING SLEEP.

YEAH.

THOSE ARE THE MAGIC WORDS, "DO YOU WANT TO FUCK?"

"NO, LET'S JUST SPOON."

"YEAH, LET ME HOLD AN ERECTION FOR 8 HOURS.

"THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN!

YEAH! SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

GETTING A VASECTOMY IN TWO WEEKS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

YEP. YEAH. WE'RE DONE. DONE HAVING KIDS.

WILLY WONKA IS SHUTTING DOWN THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

NO MORE GOLDEN TICKETS.

YEAH.

I WAS DOING A LOT OF RESEARCH.

I USED TO HAVE A NIGHTMARE THAT THEY WOULD BE OVER ME,

AND THEY WOULD BE LOOKING AT MY VAS DEFERENS --

LIKE IT WAS ONE OF THOSE BAD ACTION MOVIES

WHERE THEY HAD TO DEFUSE THE BOMB AND SNIP THE RIGHT WIRE --

AND THEY SNIPPED THE WRONG ONE, AND MY DICK EXPLODED.

THERE WAS JUST MEAT EVERYWHERE.

YEAH.

BUT THEN I DID A LOT OF RESEARCH,

AND I'M LIKE, "NO, THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN."

BUT WHAT CAN HAPPEN --

IN 5% OF THE CASES, IT DOESN'T WORK.

DO YOU KNOW THAT? LIKE, IT WILL NOT WORK.

I MET A GUY WHO WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL, MAN.

MY VASECTOMY DIDN'T WORK THE FIRST TIME."

I WAS LIKE, "WHOA. WHAT HAPPENED, MAN?"

HE WAS LIKE, "WE HAD A BABY, DUMMY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DID YOU DO?"

HE WAS LIKE, "WELL, WE WENT BACK TO THE DOCTOR,

AND HE DID IT PROPERLY THE SECOND TIME."

I WAS LIKE, "WAIT. WAIT. WAIT."

"YOU WENT TO THE SAME FUCKING DOCTOR?

WHAT WAS THAT CONVERSATION LIKE?"

YOU COME STROLLING IN WITH A BABY, BE GOING,

"HEY, MOTHERFUCKER! REMEMBER ME?!

"NO, NO, NO, LADY. MY CHART'S ALREADY BACK THERE, OKAY?

"I'M JUST HERE FOR SOME CHILD SUPPORT.

IT TAKES A MEDICAL OFFICE TO RAISE A BABY."

I'M TELLING YOU.

KILL EVERYBODY.

I'M GONNA NEED TO BE HIGHLY MEDICATED FOR THAT.

A LOT OF POT TO GET MY VASECTOMY.

WHEN I LIVED IN CALIFORNIA, THEY HAVE MEDICAL MARIJUANA,

SO I WAS SICK ALL THE TIME THAT I LIVED THERE.

I WAS VERY, VERY ILL.

BUT NOW I LIVE IN NEW YORK. I HAD TO GET A DRUG DEALER.

WHICH WAS -- YEAH, A DRUG DEALER.

2013, I NEED A DRUG DEALER.

THIS IS HOW I GOT MY GUY.

I HAD SMOKED A JOINT ONE NIGHT, AND THEN MY WIFE'S LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO FOR DINNER TONIGHT?

WE GOT TO FIGURE THIS OUT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "BABE, LET'S JUST ORDER A PIZZA.

LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE TONIGHT, OKAY?"

SO, I ORDER THE PIZZA,

AND THE GUY ON THE PHONE TELLS ME

IT'S GONNA BE A HALF-HOUR.

GREAT.

40 MINUTES GOES BY, NO PIZZA.

SO NOW THE PRESSURE STARTS TO BUILD UP.

OH, YEAH.

AND MY WIFE AND I START TO PLAY OUR FAVORITE GAME,

CALLED "PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SOFTBALL,"

WHERE SHE HEAVES THESE LOADED QUESTIONS MY WAY,

AND I JUST HAVE TO GENTLY BAT THEM OUT OF THE WAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

"WHICH PIZZA PLACE DID YOU ORDER FROM?"

I'M LIKE, "OH, PATIO."

"HOW LONG DID THEY SAY IT WAS GONNA BE?"

"UH...ABOUT 30 MINUTES."

"WELL, WHAT TIME IS IT GONNA BE HERE?"

I'M LIKE, "WELL, WHEN IT GETS HERE,

RUN AND LOOK AT THE CLOCK."

BANG.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S NOT A NICE THING TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE.

I KNOW THAT.

BUT I WAS UPSET,

BECAUSE SHE KEPT BOTHERING ME

ABOUT WHEN IT WAS GONNA GET THERE.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS KNOW,

BUT THERE'S A NEW UNWRITTEN RULE IN AMERICA

THAT WHOEVER ORDERS THE PIZZA

IS NOW IN CHARGE OF THE ENTIRE PIZZA PROCESS --

YEAH, BEGINNING TO END --

SAUCE QUALITY, CRUST SIZE, PEPPERONI DISTRIBUTION.

IT'S ALL ON YOUR SHOULDERS.

YOU PICKED UP THE PHONE.

SO NOW MORE AND MORE TIME'S GOING BY.

AND I WAS PARANOID AT THIS POINT.

AND, GUYS, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I WAS...LIKE 90% SURE THAT I ORDERED THE PIZZA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THERE'S STILL THAT 10% THAT FLOATS AROUND IN YOUR BRAIN,

BEING LIKE, "DID I JUST CALL MY DAD AND TELL HIM I LIKE PIZZA?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE I LOVE PIZZA. HE LOVES PIZZA, TOO.

WE LOVE PIZZA.

YOU COULD PUT PEPPERONIS ON IT OR SAUSAGE, MUSHROOMS --

WHATEVER YOU WANT.

BUT I DID. I ORDERED IT. I DID.

BECAUSE 10 MINUTES LATER, THERE WAS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

I OPEN IT UP.

THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY'S STANDING THERE.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, HEY, MAN, HOW'S IT GOING?"

AND HE LOOKS RIGHT AT ME AND GOES,

"WELL, NOT GOOD, BECAUSE I FORGOT YOUR FUCKING PIZZA!"

TURNS AWAY, WALKS DOWN THE DRIVEWAY,

GETS IN HIS CAR, AND DRIVES AWAY.

AND I JUST STARTED LAUGHING.

I LAUGHED SO HARD.

I ALMOST PISSED MY PANTIES, I WAS LAUGHING THAT HARD.

AND MY WIFE COMES OUT,

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT IS GOING ON?!"

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, I'M HIGH,

"BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED HERE.

THIS IS NOT MY FAULT."

SO, I CALL THE PIZZA PLACE UP, AND I WAS LIKE,

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST OCCURRED HERE,

"UM, BUT YOUR DELIVERY GENTLEMAN CAME TO THE DOOR,

"AND THEN HE DIDN'T HAVE THE PIZZA,

AND THEN HE YELLED AT ME AND LEFT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THE GUY ON THE PHONE WAS PHENOMENAL.

HE'S LIKE, "AW! SHIT!

"SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

FRANK! THIS KID'S RETARDED!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

RIGHT AWAY -- "RETARD," "F" BOMBS, HORRIBLE LANGUAGE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN ANY OF THIS.

I JUST WANT TO FEED MY FAMILY.

HE GETS BACK ON THE PHONE. HE'S LIKE, "I'M SO SORRY, MAN."

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, I JUST WANT A PIZZA.

THAT'S ALL I WANT."

HE'S LIKE, "WE ARE GONNA GIVE YOU ONE FOR FREE.

"THIS ONE'S ON US.

PLEASE, JUST GIVE US 20 MINUTES."

20 MINUTES GOES BY.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR, OPEN IT UP,

WHO WAS STANDING THERE BUT THE SAME DELIVERY GUY.

THIS TIME HE HAS A PIZZA.

NO EYE CONTACT -- HE'S JUST LOOKING AT THE FLOOR.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

BECAUSE, IN MY MIND, I'M LIKE,

"HE IS HERE TO MURDER ME AND MY WHOLE FAMILY.

HE'S BEEN FIRED, AND NOW HE'S HERE TO KILL US."

SO I WAS JUST GONNA BE NICE.

I WAS LIKE, "OH! HEY, MAN!

"LOOK AT YOU...AGAIN.

"THAT'S...THAT'S GOOD.

"YOU HAD A GOOD DRY RUN THERE, BUDDY.

"ALL RIGHT. IT'S GOOD TO PRACTICE THINGS.

"THAT'S A -- THAT'S A GOOD STRATEGY.

YOU OKAY? YOU ALL RIGHT? WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?"

HE'S LIKE, "I'M SORRY, MAN.

"I'M SORRY. I, UH...

"I FUCKED UP A BIT, UM...

"YOU KNOW, UH, UH...

"FULL DISCLOSURE -- I'M SUPER-BAKED RIGHT NOW, MAN.

I AM REALLY, REALLY HIGH."

AND I'M LIKE, "SO AM I, DUDE.

THAT'S WHY I ORDERED THIS PIZZA 2 1/2 GODDAMN HOURS AGO."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS LIKE, "DID YOU HAVE A LOT OF DELIVERIES?"

HE WAS LIKE, "NO, MAN -- JUST YOURS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I WAS LIKE, "WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. HOLD ON.

"YOU GOT IN THE CAR WITH NO PIZZA,

"DROVE TO MY HOUSE SANS PIZZA,

"JUST 'FUCK IT. AAH!'

"AND THEN I GUESS FELT, WHAT, OBLIGATED

TO COME IN AND SCREAM AT ME?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT KIND OF SHIT ARE YOU SMOKING?"

HE GOES, "IT'S REALLY GOOD."

I'M LIKE, "FINE. YOU'RE MY NEW DRUG DEALER. OKAY?"

[ APPLAUSE ]

"DON'T FORGET THE WEED."

THESE THINGS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME, MAN.

YOU NEVER KNOW -- THESE CRAZY LITTLE EVENTS.

MY POOR WIFE, SHE HAS TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS.

I SEE HER EVERY DAY JUST KIND OF GETTING A LITTLE UPSET,

BECAUSE, I MEAN, WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW IS,

SHE'S RESIGNED TO THE FACT

THAT SHE'S GONNA BE SURROUNDED BY DICKS

FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

SHE REALLY IS.

AND IT'S SAD. I SEE IT ON HER FACE.

YOU KNOW, MY BOYS ARE NAKED CONSTANTLY.

I AM NUDE SOMETIMES.

WE HAVE A 90-POUND LAB THAT SITS IN THE KITCHEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'LL JUST SIT THERE AND WATCH MY WIFE DO DISHES.

[ GROWLING ]

THEN THAT LITTLE PINK LIPSTICK COMES SHOOTING OUT.

HE'S LIKE -- [ GROWLING ]

AND MY WIFE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. PLEASE."

YEAH.

A WHILE BACK,

MY WIFE WAS CHANGING MY NEW SON'S DIAPER.

AND AS SHE WAS DOING SO, I WALKED PAST THE ROOM,

AND SHE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING

'CAUSE WE GOT INTO A CONVERSATION.

AND I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS.

KIDS JUST PISS WHENEVER THEY HAVE TO PISS.

AND BOYS, IT KIND OF SHOOTS UP.

SO, THE DIAPER WASN'T ON, AND MY SON STARTED TO PEE,

AND THE PEE CAME UP AND HIT MY WIFE IN THE NECK,

AND WE WERE LIKE, "WHOA!"

AND THEN SHE BACKED UP TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON,

AND SOME OF IT WENT RIGHT INTO THE CLOWN'S MOUTH.

[ CROWD GROANS ]

NO, NO, LIVE THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING

YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE --

IN YOUR LIFE!

DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR INTO GOOGLE YOU HAVE TO GO

TO FIND PEOPLE PEEING IN OTHER PEOPLE'S MOUTHS

IN A COMEDIC FASHION?

IT'S VERY DEEP, GUYS.

BUT I DIDN'T LAUGH. I HAVE MATURED JUST ENOUGH.

10 YEARS AGO, I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE, "HA HA!

"PISS IN YOUR MOUTH, BITCH! HA HA HA!

PEE IN YOUR MOUTH!"

FIVE YEARS AGO, I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE,

"OH! YOU LIKE THAT? I'M GOING NEXT! HA HA HA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I DIDN'T LAUGH.

I PULLED BACK ALL THOSE FEELINGS.

MY FIRST INSTINCT IS USUALLY INCORRECT.

I PULLED THAT FEELING BACK,

AND I WENT IN, AND I FIX THE DIAPER,

AND I WIPE THE PEE OFF HER MOUTH.

I WAS LIKE SOME SORT OF ROMANTIC JASON BOURNE.

IT WAS LIKE I BLACKED OUT,

I JUST WENT IN AND DID EVERYTHING.

"EVERYTHING'S PERFECT."

AND MY WIFE LOOKED AT ME.

AND SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, BUT SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME.

AND WHAT HER EYES TOLD ME WAS THAT WHAT I HAD JUST DONE

WAS GOOD FOR ONE BLOWJOB IN THE NEXT SIX MONTHS.

THAT'S THE DIRECT EXCHANGE RATE FOR THAT TYPE OF LOVE

SHOWN IN CRITICAL SITUATIONS LIKE THAT.

SO THEN MY WIFE TAKES MY SON OUT TO THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE'S BREAST-FEEDING HIM ON THE COUCH.

AND THEN UDAY COMES OUT OF HIS ROOM.

WE CALL MY 4-YEAR-OLD UDAY WHEN HE'S IN CERTAIN MOODS,

AFTER UDAY HUSSEIN, 'CAUSE THEY CAN BOTH BE DICKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO HE SWINGS HIS DOOR OPEN,

AND HE JUST COMES WALKING INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

AND LIKE I SAID, THIS KID'S GOT TWO ISSUES RIGHT NOW --

HE'S JEALOUS OF MY NEW SON, AND HE IS NAKED.

AND I'M TALKING ABOUT UNCOMFORTABLY NAKED,

24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK.

IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH LADY GAGA.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

AND I'VE HAD CONVERSATIONS WITH MY WIFE BEFORE.

I'M LIKE, "BABE, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THIS WHOLE NAKED THING?

I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS. ARE YOU?"

I'M LIKE, "WE'RE RAISING ONE OF THOSE HBO 'REAL SEX' PEOPLE

"THAT LIVE IN THE WOODS.

THIS KID'S A NUDIST."

SHE'S LIKE, "IGNORE IT.

"HONEY, JUST IGNORE IT.

"IF YOU IGNORE IT, HE WON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE.

IT WON'T BE INTERESTING TO HIM."

BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU COULD POSSIBLY IGNORE

LITTLE BABY, NAKED BARYSHNIKOV,

WHO'S NOW DOING A FULL-BLOWN DANCE PRODUCTION

IN THE LIVING ROOM.

I MEAN, THE WHOLE SHOW.

AS MY WIFE IS SITTING THERE

TRYING TO BREAST-FEED MY OTHER SON,

I'M SITTING NEXT TO HER,

AND WE'RE TRYING TO STARE THROUGH THIS 4-YEAR-OLD

LIKE HE'S PATRICK SWAYZE IN "GHOST."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT WAS WORKING.

IT WAS WORKING, BECAUSE HE WAS GETTING UPSET.

HE WASN'T GETTING THE ATTENTION HE WANTED.

SO NOW HE'S GETTING CLOSER TO US.

HE'S LIKE, "WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

AND NOW HE'S RIGHT UP ON US.

HE'S RIGHT THERE.

I MEAN, WE ARE FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.

AND I'M LIKE, "BABE, WHAT DO WE DO?"

SHE GOES, "JUST LOOK THROUGH HIM!"

BUT YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE HE'S RIGHT THERE NOW.

HE'S ON OUR LAPS, AND HE'S JUST GRINDING AWAY.

AND HIS LITTLE MOZZARELLA STICK

IS HITTING OFF MY OTHER SON'S HEAD...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...ALL WHILE MY WIFE WAS TRYING TO BREAST-FEED.

AND, GUYS, I LAUGHED MY BALLS OFF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET TWO BLOWJOBS IN SIX MONTHS --

NOT IN MY HOUSE.

NOT AT THE RATE I'VE BEEN WORKING AT

FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS.

BEEN DOING A LOT OF COLLEGES RECENTLY, TOO.

GOD.

THE 19-YEAR-OLD MALE

IS THE MOST AGGRESSIVE SPECIES ON THE PLANET EARTH.

I REALLY -- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I FEEL BAD FOR THE GIRLS THAT GO TO COLLEGE. I REALLY DO.

THEY'RE ANIMALS. THEY ARE.

I WAS DOING THIS BIT AT THIS COLLEGE

ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO TALK DIRTY WITH MY WIFE.

AND LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU --

IT'S NOT MY THING, OKAY?

IT'S NEVER REALLY BEEN MY THING. I'M NOT INTO IT.

I UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE CAN BE INTO IT

IF YOU'RE DOWN WITH THAT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "AH," YOU KNOW, "HEY, BITCH."

WHATEVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAY.

AND BY THE WAY, THAT'S NOT HOW I FUCK, OKAY?

I DON'T FUCK LIKE SOME SORT OF BROKEN PINOCCHIO,

JUST SLAMMING MY BODY INTO MY WIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, I JUST HAVE A PROBLEM WITH, AT NIGHT,

LOOKING AT YOUR WIFE OR YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND BEING LIKE,

"OH, YOU LIKE THAT, BITCH?

WHORE! YOU'RE A SLUT!"

AND IN THE MORNING, BEING LIKE, "YOU WANT TO SPLIT A BAGEL?

YOU WANT A WHEAT BAGEL?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO THESE GUYS DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

THEY DIDN'T GRASP IT AT ALL.

THESE 19-YEAR-OLD GUYS ARE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?

"THAT'S A SIGN OF RESPECT.

"WHEN YOU TELL A WOMAN WHAT YOU WANT,

YOU'RE SHOWING HER RESPECT."

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE."

AND THEN THE COOL GUY --

THE COOL GUY OF THE GROUP'S LIKE,

"IF I'M WITH A CHICK, AND I WANT A BLOWJOB,

I'D BE LIKE, 'HEY, SUCK MY DICK AND LIKE IT!'"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA, MAN!

"WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR -- I-HATE-WOMEN STUDIES?

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

"WHAT DID PROFESSOR CHRIS BROWN TEACH YOU AT THIS COLLEGE?

"COME ON.

YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I GOT HIGH WITH THESE GUYS AFTER THE SHOW.

AND I WENT HOME,

AND I WAS HANGING OUT WITH MY WIFE.

AND WE WERE ON THE COUCH WATCHING

"EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER."

IT WAS VERY SAD. WE WERE EMOTIONAL.

SHE WAS LOOKING AT ME, AND I WAS LOOKING AT HER.

AND MY BRAIN...

[ CHUCKLES ]

MY BRAIN WAS LIKE, "SHOW HER SOME RESPECT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I LOOKED AT MY WIFE, AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, BABE...

WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY DICK AND LIKE IT?"

SHE WENT, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!"

"SUCKING DICKS AND...

DICKS AND..."

SHE'S LIKE, "SAY IT AGAIN!"

I'M LIKE, "I SUCK MY OWN DICK NOW, OKAY?

"I SUCK MY OWN DICK,

"AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

"THAT'S OFF YOUR PLATE. THAT'S ALL ME NOW.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU DID IT FOR SO LONG.

IT'S SO GROSS. UGH. YEESH."

THAT'S WHY I KNOW MY BODY, GUYS.

I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

WHEN I GET HOME LATE AT NIGHT, I LOVE TO PLAY MY FAVORITE GAME.

OH, I LOVE IT.

IT'S CALLED "TRY TO JERK OFF WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THE MORE PEOPLE YOU ADD TO YOUR FAMILY, THE HARDER IT GETS.

ANYONE MARRIED IN THE FRONT UP HERE?

A COUPLE PEOPLE? YEAH?

WHO'S MARRIED? YOU GUYS MARRIED? HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?

Woman: THREE YEARS.

Rannazzisi: THREE YEARS. VERY NICE.

IN THREE YEARS,

HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT HIM TAKING CARE OF HIMSELF?

NO. OKAY. GOOD. GOOD.

FIRST OF ALL, DO YOU THINK THAT HE DOES?

LET'S START THERE.

-Woman: [ Chuckling ] YES. -Rannazzisi: YES! YES!

YES! YOU'RE RIGHT!

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE THINKS HE DOES?

ALL THE HUMAN BEINGS THAT ARE IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, THE PEOPLE WORKING THE CAMERAS, THE LIGHTS,

THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, HE JERKS OFF."

HE'S PROBABLY DONE IT SINCE YOU'VE BEEN HERE TONIGHT.

MAYBE YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM FOR A MINUTE,

AND HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT."

GO FOR IT.

WE KNOW, 'CAUSE HE HAS ARMS THAT REACH DOWN HERE.

HE DOESN'T HAVE LITTLE T. REX ARMS.

THAT'S HOW WE KNOW FOR SURE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE'S A FILTHY ANIMAL.

DON'T FEEL BAD.

HIM, ME, EVERY GUY IN THIS WHOLE PLACE IS --

EVERY ONE OF YOU.

IF YOU HAD SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND OR YOUR BOYFRIEND

FOR 23 HOURS A DAY,

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'D BE DOING THAT 24th HOUR?

TOUCHING HIMSELF, THINKING OF CRAZY SHIT.

WE REBOOT QUICK, GUYS.

MY WIFE WON'T LET ME DONKEY-PUNCH HER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

BUT UP HERE,

I CAN DONKEY-PUNCH ANYONE I WANT.

UP HERE, I'M POUNDING AWAY.

THERE'S ICE-CREAM TRUCKS, PEOPLE WALKING IN AND OUT OF DOORS.

THAT DUDE WITH HALF A FACE FROM "BOARDWALK EMPIRE"

HAS GOT A RIFLE AT THE FRONT DOOR.

I NEED SECURITY IN MY FANTASIES, GUYS.

AND I GET CAUGHT. AND I TRY NOT TO GET CAUGHT.

I'M NOT AN ANIMAL. I'M NOT.

I SET UP TRAPS AROUND THE DOOR.

I'VE GOT NEWSPAPER AND BUBBLE WRAP AND SHIT,

BUT MY WIFE IS CRAFTY.

SO I CAME UP WITH A NEW PLAN.

THIS IS WHAT I DO NOW.

NOW I JUST DO IT, RIGHT?

AND IF SHE WALKS IN AND CATCHES ME,

I JUST LOOK AT HER.

I GO, "HEY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU'RE EITHER IN, OR YOU'RE OUT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"EITHER WAY, THIS SHIT'S HAPPENING, PRINCESS."

JUST WANT MY SONS TO BE GOOD PEOPLE, GUYS, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S ALL YOU CARE ABOUT.

YOU THINK I WANT THEM TO GROW UP LIKE ME?

NO. THEY HAVE TO BE GOOD PEOPLE.

DOING JERK-OFF JOKES.

I MET -- LOOK, I MET THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE

I HAVE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

ABOUT EIGHT MONTHS AGO.

I WAS DRIVING AROUND LOS ANGELES,

AND I WAS BEHIND THIS CAR, AND HE WAS SWERVING IN AND OUT.

HE WAS TEXTING.

YOU COULD TELL HE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION.

WE PULLED UP TO A RED LIGHT,

AND IT WAS ONE OF THOSE LEFT-HAND TURN ARROW LIGHTS.

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET --

HIS CAR, HE HAD A BLACK MERCEDES.

HE HAD A MOONROOF.

HE WAS TEXTING.

HE WAS WEARING ONE OF THOSE BEDAZZLED, HORRIBLE SHIRTS --

YEAH, LIKE DIFFERENT COLORS.

THERE WAS FOREIGN TECHNO MUSIC BLARING OUT OF HIS CAR.

AND I REMEMBER JUST LOOKING AT HIM LIKE,

"OH, THAT'S THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN THE WORLD.

"LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE.

HIS MOTHER'S PROBABLY A BITCH, TOO."

SO THE GUY IS TEXTING, AND THE ARROW TURNS GREEN.

AND HE DOESN'T GO, BECAUSE HE'S NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

SO, I BEEP THE HORN AT HIM TO LET HIM KNOW,

"HEY, YOU GOT SOME PEOPLE BEHIND YOU.

PAY ATTENTION."

WELL, I GUESS THIS UPSET HIM.

BECAUSE HE TURNS AROUND, HE LOOKS AT ME,

HE SMILES, AND HE FLIPS ME OFF,

AND HE GOES RIGHT BACK TO TEXTING,

AND JUST LETS THE LIGHT TURN RED --

JUST COCKS THE WHOLE LINE,

WHICH, IN L.A., IS THE EQUIVALENT OF RAPE.

IT'S THE EXACT SAME THING.

IT'S AT AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL.

SO, WE'RE ALL PISSED. EVERYBODY'S PISSED.

SO, IN THAT MOMENT OF ANGER,

FROM AROUND THE CORNER, COMES THIS HOMELESS GUY.

AND THIS GUY'S GOT A SQUEEGEE AND A BUCKET AND A SIGN.

AND HE GOES OVER TO THE ASSHOLE'S CAR FIRST.

AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, MAN. CAN I SQUEEGEE YOUR WINDOWS?"

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET --

WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING AT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING,

THIS GUY CONTINUED TO TEXT,

AND ROLLED THE WINDOW UP IN THE HOMELESS GUY'S FACE.

DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ANOTHER PERSON.

SO, THEN THE HOMELESS GUY COMES OVER TO ME.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, MAN. CAN I SQUEEGEE YOUR WINDOWS?"

I SAID, "NO, NO, NO. COME HERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"COME HERE."

I SAID, "I'M GONNA GIVE YOU $10, OKAY?

10 BUCKS."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO I HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH TO RECEIVE $10?"

HE HAD NEVER HEARD THIS BEFORE.

IT WAS ESSENTIALLY SAYING, "ALL HANDS ON DECK!"

LIKE, I HAD A PERSONAL CONCIERGE.

THIS GUY WAS READY TO DO IT. HE WAS IN.

SO, I SAID, "THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO, MAN.

"FOR 10 BUCKS,

"I WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR BUCKET OF SQUEEGEE WATER,

AND I WANT YOU TO DUMP IT INTO THAT GUY'S MOONROOF, OKAY?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, GUYS, WHEN I TELL YOU MOST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

WOULD HAVE PAUSED AND THOUGHT

OF THE RAMIFICATIONS OF SUCH AN ACTION,

MAYBE MADE A LITTLE PROS-AND-CONS LIST,

THIS GUY WALKED UP TO MY CAR,

AND HE SMILED LIKE HE KNEW WHAT THE FUCK I KNEW.

HE HIGH-FIVED ME TWICE.

THEN HE RAN OVER TO THE BUCKET, GIVING ME THE GUNS,

LIKE HE HAD SEEN IN SOME STOLEN DVD SOMEWHERE,

PICKED UP THAT BUCKET,

AND THEN DUMPED IT INTO THAT GUY'S MOONROOF

LIKE HE'D JUST WON THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

IT WAS THE GREATEST $10 I'VE EVER SPENT NOT IN TIJUANA --

THE GREATEST.

I SAW HIM FOUR MONTHS AGO -- THE HOMELESS GUY.

I SAW HIM FOUR MONTHS AGO, AND WE REMEMBERED EACH OTHER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF MENTAL IMPACT

YOU HAVE TO HAVE ON A HOMELESS PERSON

TO HAVE THEM RECALL YOUR FACIAL STRUCTURE?

BUT IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

IT WAS UNDENIABLE. IT WAS LIKE OUR "DIRTY DANCING."

I WAS LIKE SWAYZE,

HOISTING HOMELESS, SMELLY JENNIFER GREY ABOVE MY HEAD,

AND WE BOTH HAD THE TIME OF OUR LIVES.

THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU, GUYS.

I HAD A GREAT TIME.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT!

GOOD NIGHT!

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]