All language subtitles for Steve.Rannazzisi.Manchild.2013.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Rannazzisi:
THANK YOU SO MUCH, NEW ORLEANS!

THANK YOU, GUYS!

HOW ARE YOU? GOOD?

[ CROWD CHEERS ]

AWESOME!
SO GOOD TO BE HERE.

I'VE BEEN TRAVELING A LOT,

SO IT'S NICE TO BE
ON THE GROUND.

YEAH. OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I HAVE A HORRIBLE FEAR
OF FLYING.

I REALLY DO.

YOU'VE HEARD ME
ON PLANES BEFORE.

I'M THAT PERSON IN THE BACK
THAT YOU HEAR

AS SOON AS THAT LITTLE POCKET
OF TURBULENCE HITS,

THAT "AAH!" PERSON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"OH, I HOPE SHE'S OKAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, "SHE" IS ME. I AM SHE.

THAT'S ME IN THE BACK, SCARED.

ON THE GROUND, I'M A MAN.

YEAH, WITH YOU GUYS.
I'M A MAN. I DO MANLY THINGS.

I HIGH-FIVE -- THINGS LIKE THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UP IN THE AIR,
I'M A LITTLE GIRL.

'CAUSE EVERY FLIGHT I'M ON
HAS TURBULENCE -- EVERY ONE.

WE CAME IN HERE YESTERDAY.
WE SPUN IN SIDEWAYS.

IT WAS CRAZY.
WE LANDED SIDEWAYS.

WE LIKE SKIDDED IN.
I WAS LIKE [GASPS]

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT EVERY SINGLE FLIGHT I'M ON
HAS TURBULENCE --

EVERY SINGLE ONE.

AND NOW THEY WARN YOU
AHEAD OF TIME.

THEY'LL COME ON AND BE LIKE,
"OH, UH, BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELTS.

THE NEXT 10 MINUTES
ARE GONNA BE BUMPY."

I DON'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, GUYS.
I YELL SHIT BACK.

NO, YOU PAY A LOT OF MONEY
FOR THESE SEATS.

YELL BACK.
MAKE YOUR OPINION HEARD.

I'LL OPEN UP THE WINDOW
AND LOOK OUT AND GO,

"NO, WE'RE NOT, DUDE!
PULL UP AND TO THE LEFT!

TRY THAT FUCKING AIR OUT
FOR 10 MINUTES!"

WHY CAN'T WE GO THERE?

NOBODY HAS EVER
EXPLAINED THAT TO ME.

LISTEN, IF YOU WERE DRIVING HERE
TONIGHT IN A CAR,

AND YOU WERE HITTING
EVERY POTHOLE IN THE ROAD,

COULD YOU TURN
TO YOUR FRIENDS AND BE LIKE,

"OH, IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FOR THE NEXT 10 MINUTES, GUYS"?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOUR FRIENDS WOULD BE LIKE,
"FUCK YOU! SWITCH LANES!"

WHY CAN WE NOT SWITCH AIR LANES?

THERE'S NO TRAFFIC UP THERE.
WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE ON A PLANE

AND ANOTHER ONE FLEW RIGHT BY?

YOU'RE LIKE, "OOH!

"WE SHOULD HANG OUT
IN THIS LANE FOR A WHILE.

THESE OTHER LANES ARE OCCUPIED."

PEOPLE SAY, "TAKE PILLS."

OH, EVERYTHING'S A PILL.

"TAKE A PILL. TAKE A PILL."

I CAN'T.

I HAVE TO SWITCH
A LOT OF FLIGHTS --

I NEED MY WITS ABOUT ME.

I SMOKE POT, BUT, YOU KNOW,

THAT'S A THING
THAT YOU CAN'T REALLY TIME OUT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THEY DON'T LET YOU
SMOKE POT ON PLANES.

THEY JUST DON'T.

WHAT I USED TO DO IS,

I USED TO EAT A POT COOKIE
ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT

SO, YOU KNOW, BY THE TIME
THE PLANE TOOK OFF,

IT WOULD KICK IN,
AND MY ANXIETY WOULD BE OKAY.

BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM --

THE POT-COOKIE BUSINESS
IS NOT A REGULATED INDUSTRY.

THERE'S NO QUALITY CONTROL
WHATSOEVER.

YEAH. NABISCO DOESN'T MAKE
POT COOKIES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THOSE KEEBLER ELVES ARE DOING

IN THAT FUCKING TREE,

BUT IF YOU THINK ANYBODY
WOULD MAKE A POT COOKIE,

IT'D BE AN ELF
THAT LIVED INSIDE OF A TREE.

BUT THEY DON'T. THEY'RE LAZY.

POTHEADS MAKE POT COOKIES,
SO IT'S NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH. I'VE HAD SOME BEFORE
WHERE NOTHING HAPPENED.

ALL I GOT WAS CHOCOLATE
IN MY TEETH.

I ATE ONE, THOUGH, ON THE WAY
TO THE AIRPORT THIS ONE TIME,

THAT, AS SOON AS I ATE
THE COOKIE,

I HAD THAT WARM SENSATION
COME OVER MY BODY LIKE,

"OOH! YOU JUST MADE
A BAD DECISION!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY WIFE WAS DRIVING ME
TO THE AIRPORT.

IT WAS AN EARLY FLIGHT,
LIKE 5:30 IN THE MORNING.

AND AS SOON AS WE GOT
IN THE CAR,

I WAS LISTENING TO THE RADIO,

AND I THOUGHT
THAT KATY PERRY'S "FIREWORK"

WAS THE GREATEST SONG
IN AMERICAN HISTORY.

I WAS LIKE, "BABE,
WHO WROTE THIS SONG?

"THIS IS INSPIRATIONAL!

THIS MAKES ME FEEL GOOD
ABOUT MYSELF."

AND THEN THE PARANOIA
STARTED TO SET IN.

I WAS LIKE, "OHH. OHH.

"UM, COULD YOU JUST
DROP ME OFF AT THE TARMAC?

"BECAUSE I DON'T THINK
I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO HANDLE

THE BUILDING PART TODAY."

SHE DUMPS ME OFF AT THE CURB.

I'M STARING AT THE AIRPORT LIKE
A KID ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

WHO DOESN'T REALLY
WANT TO GO IN YET.

I'M LIKE, "OOF.
THIS ISN'T GONNA WELL AT ALL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN I STARTED
LOOKING AROUND.

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

"JUST RELAX AND JUST DO
WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING.

JUST BE NORMAL."

SO, NOW I'M WALKING
INTO THE AIRPORT,

AND I THINK I'M SAYING THIS
TO MYSELF,

BUT OUT LOUD I'M GOING,
"I WALK LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WALK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OTHER PEOPLE WALK LIKE ME,
AND I WALK SIMILAR TO THEM --

SIMILAR, SIMILARLY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN I GOT IN,
THE TSA GUY LOOKS RIGHT AT ME,

AND I'M LIKE, "UHP! UHP!
HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

HE KNOWS I'M HIGH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HE KNOWS MY HOPES AND DREAMS,
MY DICK SIZE --

"THIS GUY KNOWS IT ALL.

MIGHT AS WELL JUST START
AIR-ARRESTING MYSELF RIGHT NOW."

AND THERE'S A PART OF YOUR BRAIN

THAT STAYS LUCID
IN THESE MOMENTS.

IT TAKES OVER.

IT'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN UP, IDIOT.

"THE NEXT 10 MINUTES

"ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT
10 MINUTES OF THIS TRIP, BRO.

PULL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
DON'T BE A PUSSY."

SO NOW THERE'S ALL THE ZIGZAG
THINGS WE HAVE TO WALK THROUGH.

BUT WHEN THERE'S NOBODY THERE,

YOU'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO WALK
UP TO THE FRONT.

NO, I'M WHEELING MY BAG
THROUGH ALL OF THEM, GOING,

"I WALK LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WALK."

AND THEN I LOOK OVER,

AND THE TSA GUY
IS STILL STARING AT ME.

SO, MY BRAIN'S LIKE,
"WELL, JUST BE NICE AND SMILE."

SO NOW I'M DOING THIS...

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN I GOT TO THE TSA GUY,
AND I WENT TO HIGH-FIVE HIM.

LET ME TELL YOU GUYS
SOMETHING --

IT WAS AN AWKWARD HIGH-FIVE.

I HAD MY HANDS OUT LIKE THIS.

DON'T TRY TO HIGH-FIVE
A TSA PERSON.

THEY WILL NOT RECIPROCATE.

THEN I HANDED HIM MY LICENSE.

HE'S LIKE, "BRO,
THIS IS YOUR COSTCO CARD."

I WAS LIKE, "THEY BOTH HAVE
MY PICTURE ON IT.

WANT TO SPLIT
A PALLET OF STRAWBERRIES?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DO HAVE TO TRAVEL A LOT,
TO LEAVE MY FAMILY.

I HAVE A WIFE,
AND WE'VE GOT TWO YOUNG BOYS.

I MADE IT UP TO THEM, THOUGH.

WE DID A 21-DAY FAMILY VACATION.

21 DAYS.

YEAH, THAT'S THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT
OF TIME

YOU CAN SPEND WITH YOUR FAMILY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, IN A HOTEL ROOM --
ONE HOTEL ROOM -- 21 DAYS?

I KNOW WHY THE DONNER PARTY
ATE EACH OTHER NOW. I DO.

'CAUSE THEY WERE SICK
OF LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER.

21 DAYS.
AND IT WASN'T A VACATION FOR ME.

THIS IS MY VACATION.

ALL THEY DO ON VACATION,

I JUST HAVE TO
MOVE THE STUFF AROUND.

THAT'S IT.
I AM A SHERPA FOR MY KIDS.

THAT'S ALL I AM.

YOU GUYS KNOW
WHAT SHERPAS ARE --

THOSE PEOPLE THAT CARRY
RICH WHITE PEOPLE'S SHIT

TO THE TOP OF MOUNTAINS,

WHO GET NO CREDIT WHATSOEVER,

JUST PACK AS MUCH STUFF
UP ON THEIR BACKS.

THERE'S NO EDITING
WHEN IT COMES TO PACKING.

"EH, IF WE NEED IT,
JUST BRING IT.

HE'LL CARRY IT. SURE."

YOU GOT TO SEE ME
GETTING THROUGH AN AIRPORT --

DOUBLE STROLLERS,
PACK 'N PLAYS, CAR SEATS --

TWO OF THEM.

'CAUSE THEY'RE LIGHT
AS A FEATHER. WHY NOT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

BACKPACKS -- I HAVE BACKPACKS,

AN ELMO BACKPACK
AND A DINOSAUR BACKPACK.

AND THEY'RE FILLED WITH FOOD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY KIDS EAT.

ALL I KNOW IS, EVERYWHERE WE GO,
THEY DON'T FUCKING HAVE IT,

SO I HAVE TO PACK IT
AND BRING IT WITH ME.

I HAVE KALE
HANGING OUT OF A BACKPACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE,
AS A MAN,

TRYING TO GO THROUGH AN AIRPORT,

TRYING TO KEEP MY KIDS IN FRONT
OF ME LIKE A HOCKEY GOALIE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THANK GOD
MY WIFE IS THERE, GUYS.

THANK GOD.

BECAUSE WHO ELSE WOULD CARRY
THAT HEAVY US WEEKLY MAGAZINE

AND HALF-DRUNK BOTTLE
OF EVIAN WATER?

WHO ELSE WOULD POWER THAT
THROUGH SECURITY?

LOVE OF MY LIFE.

AND THEN YOU GET ON THE PLANE.

AND YOU'VE NEVER FELT HATRED --
IF YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS,

YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT HATRED FEELS LIKE.

300 EYES, JUST,

"[ GASPS ]
DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THEM."

PEOPLE THINK THAT,
IF THEY DON'T LOOK AT US,

WE'LL JUST WALK OFF
THE BACK OF THE PLANE.

NO. WE'RE THERE.

AND I UNDERSTAND --
IT'S A WHOLE THING.

WE'RE LIKE ONE OF THOSE
MARDI GRAS FLOATS,

COMING DOWN THE MIDDLE LIKE,
"WHOO! WHOO!"

BEADS, PEOPLE FLYING STUFF.

YEAH.
THROWING THINGS AT OTHER PEOPLE.

ONE LADY CAUGHT EYE CONTACT
WITH US,

AND SHE JUST STARTED PRAYING
THE ROSARY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, GOD.

JUST KEEP THE GRISWOLDS
AWAY FROM US, PLEASE."

AND BAD NEWS --
IF YOU'RE IN MY ROW,

WELL, YOU ARE NOW IN MY FAMILY.

"WELCOME TO MY FAMILY.

"WELCOME.

"HERE'S A SWEATER
WITH THE FAMILY CREST ON IT.

"RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.

"PUT THE OTHER ONE
ON THE US WEEKLY MAGAZINE.

WE'RE GONNA SWEAR YOU IN."

IT'S A LONG TRIP TO L.A.X.

SOMEONE HAS TO HOLD THE iPAD.

THE iPAD, IF YOU HAVE KIDS,

IS THE GREATEST INVENTION
IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.

THE BEST.

I LOVE IT SO MUCH,
I WOULD DIG STEVE JOBS UP,

AND I'D SUCK HIS DICK RIGHT NOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'D SUCK A DEAD GUY'S DICK

AND ACCEPT WHATEVER CAME
INTO MY MOUTH FROM THE GUY.

OH, YEAH.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

MY SON SITS ON THESE LONG --
HE'S 4 YEARS OLD --

LONG FLIGHTS, 6 HOURS,

AND HE PLAYS WITH PUZZLES,
AND HE DRAWS PICTURES,

AND HE WATCHES MOVIES,
AND THEN HE FALLS ASLEEP.

AND YOU CAN TAKE IT TO THE
BATHROOM AND PLEASURE YOURSELF.

NOW, YOU FIND ME SOMETHING
THAT'S BETTER.

THEY GOT WiFi
ON THESE PLANES NOW, GUYS.

YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D PUT
TWO AND TWO TOGETHER?

YEAH, "OCCUPIED."

STILL OCCUPIED.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
IS HAPPENING IN HERE?

THANK YOU TO THOSE OF YOU
WHO WATCH "THE LEAGUE."

WE REALLY DO APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU, GUYS. THANKS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH. THANK YOU.

YES.

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME
FOR WATCHING IT WEEK AFTER WEEK.

YES, IT'S BEEN A GREAT --

PEOPLE, YOU KNOW --
THEY LOVE THE SHOW.

-THEY YELL AT ME.
-Man: [ SHOUTS ]

Rannazzisi: YES, EXACTLY.

YES, THEY YELL AND THEY SCREAM.
IT'S AMAZING.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, THEY YELL
AT ME AT THE WORST TIME.

THIS IS THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT
TO YELL THINGS AT, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, THIS IS WHERE YOU WANT
TO YELL "SHIVA" OR "KEVIN."

THERE'S WRONG TIMES --

WHEN I'M CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
WITH MY 4-YEAR-OLD.

THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME
TO HAVE A LITTLE CONVERSATION

-ABOUT YOUR LOVE FOR --
-Man: CHALUPA BATMAN!

Rannazzisi:
CHALUPA BATMAN. EXACTLY.

YES.

I'VE HAD MORE CONVERSATIONS
WITH DRUNK 28-YEAR-OLD PEOPLE

THAN I CARE TO
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I REALLY DO.

I HAVE JAGER BREATH STAINS
ON MY NECK

FROM THEIR HOT BREATH

ASKING ME QUESTIONS
I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWERS TO.

YEAH. PEOPLE YELL AT ME.

I WAS AT THE MALL CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING WITH MY 4-YEAR-OLD.

THIS GUY SEES ME.
HE'S LIKE, "KEVIN!"

WHICH IS NOT MY NAME,
BY THE WAY,

SO I'M NOT GONNA RESPOND
TO THAT.

HE'S LIKE, "KEVIN! SHIVA!"

I'M LIKE,
"COOL, MAN. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. HAPPY HOLIDAYS."

HE'S LIKE, "KEVIN!

"ONE MORE THING, MAN.

"YOU GOT TO SHOW ME
THAT PRETTY DICK!

YEAH! YOU GOT A PRETTY DICK!"

I'M LIKE,
"NOT AT THE MALL, BRO."

YOU HAD MY 4-YEAR-OLD
WALKING AROUND

FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS
LIKE RAINMAN,

GOING, "SHOW ME THAT PRETTY
DICK. SHOW ME THAT PRETTY DICK.

SHOW ME THAT PRETTY DICK.
SHOW ME THAT PRETTY DICK."

THEY'RE LIKE SPONGES
AT THAT AGE.

YOU GUYS HAVE KIDS?
A COUPLE OF YOU? YEAH?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, USUALLY, THE EARLY SHOW,
THE PEOPLE WITH THE KIDS COME.

THEY GOT TO KNOW
WHAT TIME THE FUN'S OVER.

THEY GOT TO
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

YEAH. 'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO GO
WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.

YOU CAN HAVE AS MUCH FUN
AS YOU WANT TONIGHT.

DO QUAALUDES. GET DRUNK.

IF YOU HAVE KIDS,

YOU STILL HAVE TO WAKE UP
AT 6:30 IN THE MORNING.

YOU'LL WISH YOU FELL
INTO A SINKHOLE.

"DADDY, DADDY, DAD, DAD, DAD!
DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD!"

AND THEN A HEEL KICK
TO THE TEMPLE.

TRY TO SNOOZE-BUTTON YOUR WAY
THROUGH THAT. YOU CAN'T.

THERE IS NO SNOOZE BUTTON
FOR LIFE.

THEN HE WAKES UP WITH A VIGOR.

CRACKS A LITTLE PIECE
OF OUR SOUL OUT,

MIXES IT UP WITH HIS CEREAL.

"CHEERIOS AND SPIRIT.
CHEERIOS AND SPIRIT."

AND HE LOVES IT. LOVES IT.

I DON'T HAVE
A BABYSITTER ANYMORE.

I HAD TO MOVE BACK TO NEW YORK
TO HAVE FAMILY WATCH MY KIDS.

WE HAD A BABYSITTER,

BUT, UH, SHE DOESN'T
COME AROUND ANYMORE,

AFTER THE INCIDENT, SO...

OH, YEAH.

WHEN MY SON WAS 3,
WE HAD AN INCIDENT AT MY HOUSE.

WE HAD A BABYSITTER COME OVER,
A VERY LOVELY WOMAN,

HAD BEEN IN MY HOUSE BEFORE.

BUT MY SON DOES NOT LIKE
WHEN MOMMY AND DADDY GOES OUT.

SO, MY WIFE AND I WERE
COLLECTING OUR LAST-MINUTE STUFF

IN THE BACK OF THE BEDROOM,

AND MY SON'S OUT
WITH THE BABYSITTER.

AND I PEEKED OUT,

AND ALL I SAW WAS HIM WALKING
UP AND DOWN THE LIVING ROOM,

JUST STARING AT THIS BABYSITTER
LIKE A PRISON INMATE,

LIKE ONE OF THOSE
"LOCKED UP: RAW" PEOPLE.

AND THEN HE STOPS,
AND HE LOOKS AT HER,

AND HE RIPS HIS DIAPER OFF
LIKE A CHIPPENDALES DANCER.

FFFT! GONE.
"DON'T NEED THAT ANYMORE."

AND THEN HE SMILES,

AND HE BEGINS TO LOWER HIS BODY
LIKE THIS TOWARDS THE GROUND,

THE WHOLE TIME STARING RIGHT
INTO THIS BABYSITTER'S EYES,

AND THEN HE PROCEEDS
TO SHIT ON THE FLOOR,

GETS UP,
AND WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.

"OHH!"

NOW, NEEDLESS TO SAY,

THERE'S NOT A PARENTING BOOK
OUT THERE

THAT WILL EXPLAIN WHAT TO DO
IN THE CASE OF HUMAN FECES.

THEY DON'T WRITE THOSE BOOKS.

I SPRINTED OUT OF MY ROOM,

AND I LOOKED
AT THIS POOR BABYSITTER,

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I WAS SO EMBARRASSED,

I ASKED THE DUMBEST QUESTION
YOU COULD HAVE ASKED.

I WAS LIKE, "WELL...

[ SIGHS ]

"WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS CRAZY."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, UH,
ONE OF US SHIT ON THE FLOOR,

"AND ONE OF US QUIT.

"SO, ONE OF US SHIT
AND ONE OF US QUIT.

WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK I AM --
THE SHITTER OR THE QUITTER?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

THESE KIDS FLIP THE SWITCH
ON YOU EVERY DAY.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
THE NEXT DAY IS GONNA HOLD.

ONE DAY, MY 4-YEAR-OLD JUST
STARTED MAKING A FIST LIKE THIS,

AND HE RAISES HIS OWN FIST
IN THE AIR,

AND HE WOULD STARE AT IT
LIKE THOR.

FOR AN UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT
OF TIME,

HE WOULD JUST LOOK
AT HIS OWN FIST.

AND THEN,
WHENEVER HE FELT LIKE IT,

HE WOULD JUST PUNCH
WHATEVER WAS IN FRONT OF HIM.

DIDN'T LOOK TO SEE
WHAT WAS AROUND,

JUST BLINDLY SWINGING AT PEOPLE.

YEAH, HE'S TURNING
INTO A DICK.

THAT'S WHAT DICKS DO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DICKS DO THAT.

WHERE AM I GONNA BRING THAT?
WHERE COULD YOU BRING IT?

TO PUBLIC? YOU GONNA BRING IT
TO A RESTAURANT?

THIS YOU'RE GONNA BRING
TO A RESTAURANT?

A PARK? NO.

WE'RE NOT ALLOWED BACK
AT A PUBLIC PARK IN LOS ANGELES.

I WOULD HAVE TO
FILL OUT PAPERWORK

IF I WANTED TO GO BACK THERE.

MY SON MAKES THE FIST LIKE THIS,

AND HE SEES THIS OTHER KID
WALKING PAST.

AND I'M LIKE,
"OH, SHIT. IT'S GONNA GO DOWN."

BUT HE WALKED PAST THE KID,

SO I THOUGHT
WE WERE IN THE CLEAR.

HE WALKED OVER TO THE KID'S DAD,

AND THE POOR DAD DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT WAS GOING ON.

THE POOR DAD'S LIKE,
"OH, HEY, LITTLE BUDDY.

WANT TO DO THE FIST POUND?"

AND MY SON'S LIKE,
"NOPE. NOT TODAY."

AND THEN HIT THIS GUY
IN HIS APPLE BAG SO HARD...

THE GROWN MAN IS ON THE GROUND
WRITHING IN PAIN,

SCREAMING THE WORST OBSCENITIES
YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.

AND I'M STANDING NEXT TO LITTLE
ROCKY BALBOA, WHO'S LAUGHING.

AND HOW DO YOU SAY
YOU'RE SORRY TO THAT?

WHAT IS THE "I'M SORRY"
FOR A DIRECT DICK PUNCH?

IS IT A MONETARY SUM?

DOES HE GET TO PUNCH ME
IN THE DICK?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RULES ARE.

NOBODY EVER TELLS YOU
THIS STUFF.

WE HAVE TWO KIDS NOW.
TWO OF THESE ANIMALS.

MY 10-MONTH-OLD'S THE BEST.
HE JUST LOVES TO EAT.

GOD, THIS KID LOVES TO EAT.
LOVES IT.

HE'S SO HAPPY EATING

THAT EVEN WHEN HE'S NOT EATING
AND HE SEES YOU EATING,

HE'S LIKE,
"THIS IS FUCKING GREAT!

ISN'T THIS AWESOME?
EATING'S THE BEST!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY WIFE WAS IN LABOR,
THE SECOND TIME, FOR 6 HOURS.

FIRST TIME, 17,

SO I THINK THAT MY FIRST SON

KIND OF GREASED THE WHEELS
ON THE WAY OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YEAH, 17 HOURS IS A LONG TIME.

PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IT AS THOUGH
IT'S THE MIRACLE OF LIFE.

LET ME TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING.

I WAS IN THAT ROOM
FOR ALL 17 HOURS,

AND VERY LITTLE OF IT
IS MIRACULOUS.

OKAY? THIS IS
HOW IT REALLY GOES DOWN.

EVERY 10 MINUTES,
SOMEONE COMES INTO THE ROOM.

THEY DON'T TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE
OR WHY THEY'RE THERE.

THERE'S NO EXPLANATION.
THEY JUST LOOK OFFICIAL ENOUGH.

THEY'VE GOT ALL THE STUFF
IN THE RIGHT SPOTS

TO BE ABLE TO WALK
INTO YOUR ROOM, WILLY-NILLY,

AND JUST SHOVE THEIR HANDS INTO
YOUR WIFE'S VAGINA LIKE THIS.

THERE'S NO EYE CONTACT.
IT'S NOT BEAUTIFUL.

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE JUST
LOOKING FOR CHANGE IN A COUCH.

AND THEN THEY'RE GONE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

"SHOULD I CALL MY LAWYER
OR SOMETHING RIGHT NOW?

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?"

BUT YOU'RE SO TIRED
AFTER 17 HOURS,

YOU'RE JUST LIKE,
"AW, FUCK IT.

"SOMEONE ELSE'S HAND'S
IN MY WIFE'S VAGINA,

SO I'M JUST GONNA KEEP
WATCHING "SportsCenter."

SOMEONE LET ME KNOW

WHEN THIS LITTLE MIRACLE
IS GOING TO OCCUR, PLEASE.

MY WIFE HAD MORE HANDS
IN HER VAGINA IN 17 HOURS,

I WAS GONNA CHANGE HER NAME
TO KARDASHIAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR
HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS.

YEAH. FIVE.

EVERY DAY I SEE HIM,

I AM SO SURPRISED
HE HASN'T KILLED HIMSELF.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,
AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

"THERE HE IS AGAIN!

"ANOTHER TEA PARTY
ON THE FRONT LAWN.

HEY, BUDDY, KEEP IT UP!
YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB!"

FIVE DAUGHTERS.

HE'S GOT A 16-YEAR OLD,
TRIPLET 13-YEAR-OLDS --

[ CROWD GROANS ]

LISTEN TO YOU GUYS.

YOU GUYS --

"OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!"

YEAH.

AND THEY HAD SEX AGAIN
AFTER THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WOULD'VE CUT IT OFF.

HE WAS PROBABLY LIKE, "COME ON.

GIVE ME SOMEONE I CAN PEE
STANDING UP WITH, PLEASE!"

NO. ANOTHER DAUGHTER,

A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL
NAMED FAITH.

THEY NAMED HER FAITH.

YEAH, I WOULD HAVE NAMED HER
"BLACK TAR HEROIN ADDICTION."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MIDDLE NAME -- "COME ON!"

BUT HE'S GOT THEM ALL LINED UP.

THEY'RE WELL-BEHAVED.

GIRLS ARE JUST SO MUCH BETTER,
WHEN THEY'RE YOUNGER,

THAN BOYS -- SO MUCH BETTER.

HIS LITTLE ONE COMES OVER
TO OUR HOUSE ALL THE TIME,

AND MY SON AND HER,

YOU SEND THEM DOWNSTAIRS
WITH A BOX OF CRAYONS,

AND THEY'LL GO DOWN THERE
FOR HOURS, DRAWING PICTURES.

AND I GO DOWN THERE
TO CHECK ON THEM,

AND THE LITTLE GIRL HAS
ALL OF HER PICTURES LINED UP.

SHE HAS THEM HUNG,
AND SHE'S FRAMING THEM.

SHE'S LIKE, "LOOK, UNCLE STEVE.

LOOK AT ALL THE PICTURES
I DREW."

I GO, "FAITH,
THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL!

YOU DID SUCH A GREAT JOB!"

FULL DISCLOSURE --
THEY ARE PIECES OF SHIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE'S SOMETHING OFF
WITH HER EYEBALLS OR SOMETHING.

VISUALLY, SHE HAS ISSUES.

BUT THEN I PAN OVER
TO SEE MY SON STANDING THERE --

NO SHIRT ON...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...NO EYE CONTACT,
NOTHING DRAWN ON ANY PAPER --

NOTHING, NO MARKINGS AT ALL.

THEY'VE BEEN DOWN THERE
FOR HOURS.

HE'S JUST...

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "HEY, BUDDY.
WHERE ARE YOUR PICTURES?"

HE'S LIKE...

THEN HE OPENS UP HIS MOUTH,

AND OUT POURS HUNDREDS OF PIECES
OF CRAYON IN LIQUID FORM.

NOW I'M ON THE FLOOR,
LOOKING FOR WHOLE ONES.

I CAN'T FIND ANY WHOLE ONES!

I SENT THEM DOWN
WITH A BOX OF 36!

I FOUND TWO -- TWO WHOLE ONES!

NOW, THEY SAY
THEY'RE NOT POISONOUS,

BUT IF YOU EAT 30 OF ANYTHING,
THINGS ARE GONNA GO WRONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HIS SHITS
FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS

LOOKED LIKE
JACKSON POLLOCK PAINTINGS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DIDN'T KNOW
WHETHER TO FLUSH THEM

OR HAVE THEM CURATED.

THEY WERE BEAUTIFUL.

I'M NOT GONNA HIT MY KIDS.

YOU CAN'T. YOU CANNOT DO IT.

JUST TEACHES THEM HOW TO LIE.
PUT FEAR IN THEM.

BUT LAST WEEK, I STEPPED
ON A LEGO WITH A BARE FOOT,

AND I ALMOST MURDERED
MY WHOLE FAMILY.

ALMOST KILLED THEM ALL.
FAMILY ANNIHILATOR.

START A NEW LIFE.

I WOULD'VE KEPT THE BEARD
AND KEPT DOING "THE LEAGUE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

DID YOU EVER STEP ON A LEGO
WITH A BARE FOOT?

DID YOU EVER DO IT?

IT WILL MAKE YOU REEVALUATE
YOUR LIFE CHOICES.

EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER
HELD SACRED IN YOUR LIFE --

OUT THE WINDOW.

BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST
AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER.

YOU'RE WALKING AROUND
YOUR OWN HOUSE.

YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE LIKE,
"I GOT BARE FEET. AH!"

BAM! YOU FEEL --

THE PAIN STARTS HERE,

BUT IT TRAVELS QUICKLY
TO YOUR BRAIN,

AND YOUR BRAIN'S LIKE,
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!"

IT DOES NOT KNOW
HOW TO COMPUTE THIS PAIN.

THERE ARE WIRES
SHOOTING OFF SMOKE.

AND THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT,
OKAY?

'CAUSE NOW YOU'RE JUMPING
UP AND DOWN

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHEN YOUR FOOT'S GONNA FALL OFF.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE PAIN
THAT YOU HAVE TO LOOK FOR.

BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING.

LEGOS ARE LIKE COCKROACHES.

WHERE YOU SEE ONE, THERE'S 10
MORE HIDING OUT IN THE SHADOWS

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE THERE.

SO NOW YOU'RE HOPPING
UP AND DOWN ON ONE LEG

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT,
AND THEN ALL YOUR WEIGHT

LANDS ON TOP
OF THAT SECOND LEGO,

AND YOUR BRAIN'S LIKE,
"SHUT THIS SHIT DOWN!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HIT THE FLOOR.

I WAS CRYING.
TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE.

I WAS WRITING LETTERS TO MY SONS
IN MY HEAD.

I THOUGHT I WAS DEAD.

AND I NEEDED THAT PAIN.

IN THAT MOMENT,
THAT'S WHAT I NEEDED.

BECAUSE THAT PAIN WAS
THE ONLY THING THAT STOPPED ME

FROM TAKING MY 4-YEAR-OLD
AND POSTING HIM ON CRAIGSLIST

FOR HUMAN TRAFFICKING.

"HERE. HE COMES IN THE NUDE."

I'M SCARED.

YOU KNOW, I'M A DAD. I DON'T
REALLY KNOW WHAT I'M DOING YET.

YOU KNOW, I TRY TO EMULATE SOME
OF THE STUFF THAT MY DAD DID,

BUT HIS DISCIPLINE METHOD
WAS DIFFERENT.

HE JUST WANTED OUR ATTENTION
RIGHT AWAY.

LIKE, HE HAD A WHISTLE,
THAT DAD WHISTLE.

YOU KNOW THAT DAD WHISTLE?

THE ONE WHERE THEY WOULD STICK
THOSE TWO SAUSAGE-LINK FINGERS

IN THEIR MOUTH AND JUST HAD
A HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE?

DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE IT?

[ AUDIENCE WHISTLING ]
NO, IT'S LIKE A --

-[ HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE ]
-Rannazzisi: YES!

WHO DID THAT?! OH, MY GOD!

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MY GOD!

THAT'S THE WHISTLE

THAT YOU'D BE OUTSIDE
PLAYING WITH YOUR FRIENDS --

YOU WOULD HEAR THAT WHISTLE,
AND YOU'D BE LIKE,

"I GOT TO GO, GUYS. I GOT TO
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

"I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY DAD IS,
BUT HE'S PISSED.

"THIS IS NOT GOOD NEWS.

"I'LL SEE YOU GUYS
AT GRADUATION, ALL RIGHT?

JUST SAVE ME A SEAT."

I DON'T HAVE THAT DAD WHISTLE.
I DON'T HAVE IT.

THIS IS MY DAD WHISTLE.
THIS IS WHAT I HAVE.

[ WHISTLES SOFTLY ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY TIME I DO THIS BIT,

I LOOK LIKE
I'M BLOWING A HUMMINGBIRD.

I'M LIKE -- [ WHISTLES SOFTLY ]

THAT'S IT.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THAT?

HOW AM I EVER
GONNA DISCIPLINE MY BOYS?

I'M GONNA COME OUT OF MY HOUSE.
"WHERE ARE MY BOYS?!"

[ WHISTLES SOFTLY ]

THEY'RE GONNA BE PLAYING
WITH THEIR FRIENDS.

ONE OF THEM'S GONNA HEAR IT
AND BE LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT?"

"OH, THAT'S MY GAY DAD.

HE'S PISSED.
WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE."

"WHERE ARE MY BOYS?!
I WANT TO GET FROYO!"

[ WHISTLES SOFTLY ]

MY 4-YEAR-OLD THE OTHER DAY --

HE LOOKS AT ME --
THIS LITTLE SON OF A BITCH --

HE LOOKS AT ME, AND HE'S LIKE,

"HEY, YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS
OF ME."

I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

HE'S LIKE,
"YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME."

AND I WAS LIKE,
"OH, YES, I AM THE BOSS OF YOU.

"YOU ARE THE ONLY THING
IN MY LIFE THAT I'M THE BOSS OF.

"EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY WORLD
TELLS ME WHAT TO DO.

"MY ASSHOLE BEFORE HAS BEEN
LIKE, 'TIME TO GET OUT OF HERE,'

"AND I GOT TO LISTEN TO HIM.

BUT YOU --
I'M THE C.E.O. OF YOU, BITCH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S GOOD.

I REMEMBER -- I REMEMBER
BUTTING HEADS WITH MY DAD.

THE FIRST BIG ARGUMENT
WE EVER GOT INTO,

I WAS ABOUT 8 YEARS OLD.

AND AT THAT POINT IN MY LIFE,
I THOUGHT I OWNED MY ROOM.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS

START TO LET YOU
PUT POSTERS ON THE WALL,

AND YOU'RE 8,

AND YOU'VE PISSED YOUR BED
A THOUSAND TIMES,

SO YOU MARKED YOUR TERRITORY.

YOUR FEET SMELL.

IT'S YOUR ROOM.
IT FEELS LIKE A SAFE PLACE.

YOU FORGET THAT YOUR PARENTS
OWN THE WHOLE HOUSE.

SO, MY DAD AND I,
WE WERE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

AND I WAS UPSET,
AND I WAS FRUSTRATED.

I WAS LIKE A LITTLE KID

THAT DIDN'T KNOW
HOW TO EXPRESS MYSELF.

AND I SAID SOMETHING TO HIM THAT
I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID,

AND I KNEW, ANYTIME
THAT ANYONE HAD EVER SAID THIS,

BAD THINGS HAPPENED.

SO, I LOOKED AT MY DAD,

AND I WAS LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD?

FUCK YOU!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN I WENT TO MY ROOM,

AND I SLAMMED THE DOOR
IN HIS FACE.

AND MY ROOM
WAS NO LONGER A SAFE PLACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HAVE YOU EVER FELT
TENSION BEFORE,

FELT SILENCE, WHERE, OUTSIDE,
YOU DON'T HEAR ANYTHING,

BUT, INSIDE, YOUR BRAIN'S LIKE,

"[High-pitched voice]
WHAT THE FUCK DID WE DO?!

WE SCREWED UP!"

[ Normal voice ]
I DIDN'T SEE MY DAD.

I JUST SAW THE SCREWS FROM
THE HINGES COMING OFF THE DOOR.

AND THIS MAN TOOK THE WHOLE DOOR
OFF THE HINGES.

AND WHEN I SAW HIM FOR A SECOND,
HE WAS SMILING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE TOOK THE DOOR DOWNSTAIRS,

AND HE SAWED IT IN HALF --
NOT WITH A POWER SAW.

HE WAS DOWN THERE

LIKE RYAN GOSLING
IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY,

JUST SAWING THIS DOOR IN HALF.

THEN HE CAME BACK UP,

AND HE SCREWED
THE BOTTOM HALF ON.

SO, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,

I HAD ONE OF THOSE LITTLE
HALF SWING-DOORS LIKE THIS.

YEAH, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SELLING

CELLPHONE CASES
AND SNICKERS BARS

OUT OF THIS LITTLE MALL KIOSK
I WAS RUNNING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
HE'D STICK HIS HEAD IN,

"YOU LIKE YOUR ROOM NOW,
ASSHOLE?

YEAH, TRY TO JERK OFF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GOT BACK AT HIM.

I WAS 15.
I SAT THERE ALL DAY LONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SHOULD HAVE PUNCHED THE CLOCK.
I WAS THERE ALL DAY.

HE'D BE WALKING BY.

I'D BE LIKE, "AH,
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, MAN.

[ LAUGHS ]

"CONSEQUENCES, BITCH.

YOU'RE GONNA PAY THAT PIPER."

MY PARENTS LOVE MY WIFE --
LOVE HER, LOVE HER TO DEATH.

WE'VE BEEN MARRIED SEVEN YEARS.

AND, LOOK, HERE'S THE DEAL.

IF YOU'RE THINKING
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED,

FIGURE OUT WHAT KIND OF WEDDING
YOU WANT TO HAVE

AND MAKE SURE YOU BOTH KNOW

BECAUSE THESE WEDDINGS
CAN GET OUT OF CONTROL.

THEY'RE VERY EXPENSIVE,
EVEN THE LITTLE THINGS
YOU HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH
WEDDING INVITATIONS GO FOR?

OH, YEAH. YEAH.

THEY SHOULD DO
A "60 MINUTES" EXPOSé

ON THE WEDDING-INVITATION
INDUSTRY.

THEY SHOULD.

I WENT TO THIS PLACE
IN BEVERLY HILLS CALLED SOOLIP

FOR MY WEDDING INVITATIONS.

NOW, GRANTED, IT'S
BEVERLY HILLS, AND I GET THAT.

IT'S GONNA BE
A LITTLE MORE OVERPRICED.

BUT I HEARD
THAT THEY'RE GONNA FRANCHISE.

SO IF THEY EVER OPEN A SOOLIP UP
IN NEW ORLEANS,

I WANT ALL OF YOU TO GO THERE,

AND I WANT YOU
TO LIGHT IT ON FIRE.

IT'S FILLED WITH PAPER.

IT'LL BURN
TO THE FUCKING GROUND.

I WENT TO THIS PLACE,

AND AS SOON AS YOU WALK IN,
THEY HAND YOU CHAMPAGNE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OOH, I'M GONNA
GET DRUNK. THIS IS AWESOME."

YOU SIT DOWN,
YOU START TALKING WITH THE LADY.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, I NEED
ABOUT 120 WEDDING INVITATIONS

FOR ABOUT 200 PEOPLE."

SHE PULLS OUT A CALCULATOR.

SHE STARTS DOING NUMBERS,
ADDING THINGS UP.

AND I'M GOING,
"IF SHE NEEDS A CALCULATOR,

WE ARE IN FOR SOME SERIOUS
ARITHMETIC RIGHT NOW."

BUT THEN SHE LOOKS AT ME
WITH A STRAIGHT FACE,

LIKE IT'S COMPLETELY NORMAL,

AND SHE GOES,
"THAT'S GONNA BE $4,000, SIR."

YEAH, $4,000.

RIGHT AWAY, I WAS LIKE,
"OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
SWEET TITS."

BECAUSE AT THAT POINT,

FORMALITIES
ARE NOW OUT THE WINDOW.

YOU ARE JUST
A DISGRUNTLED CONSUMER.

SO SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT.
IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.

I WAS LIKE, "FOR $4,000,
HOW ABOUT I DO THIS?

"HOW ABOUT I BUY A BALD EAGLE
OFF OF eBAY

"AND I TRAIN
THIS ENDANGERED SPECIES

"TO FLY AN INVITATION
INTO EVERYBODY'S HOUSE

ALL ACROSS THIS WONDERFUL LAND
OF OURS?

"HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE INTERNET?

"ONE BUTTON -- SEND --

"EVERYONE GETS AN E-VITE
FOR FREE.

"YOU MAY WANT TO RETHINK
YOUR PRICES A LITTLE BIT.

"FOR $4,000, IT BETTER COME
WITH A BLOWJOB AND A FLATSCREEN.

"THOSE ARE TWO THINGS I CAN USE
RIGHT NOW.

START SUCKING."

4,000 BUCKS FOR PAPER?

PAPER WITH WORDS WRITTEN ON IT?
THAT'S ALL IT IS.

IT'S NOT PAPER THAT CAME FROM
THE LOGS OF LINCOLN'S CABIN.

IT'S FUCKING PAPER.

HAS ANYONE IN THIS ROOM EVER
OPENED UP A WEDDING INVITATION

AND WENT, "OH, MY GOD, HONEY,

"COME IN HERE AND FEEL THE GIRTH
OF THIS PAPER!

"OH, MY GOD!

"THIS WOULD LOOK SMART
IN A SHADOW BOX ON THE MANTEL.

THAT'D LOOK NICE!"

NO, YOU OPEN IT UP, AND YOU GO,

"FIRST OF ALL,
WHAT ARE WE DOING IN 2016?

"DOES ANYONE KNOW?
WHAT DO THE MAYANS SAY?

ARE WE STILL
GONNA BE AROUND THEN?"

THEN YOU OPEN IT UP,
YOU THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE.

AND THAT'S IT. YOU'RE DONE.

NO ONE EVER HANGS ON TO THEM.

THAT'S A WASTE OF MONEY.

FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY,
I COULD'VE BOUGHT HALLMARK CARDS

AND STUFFED 35 BUCKS CASH
IN EACH ONE.

YEAH, YOU OPEN THAT UP,
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, SHIT! CASH?!

"YEAH, WE'RE GOING
TO THIS FUCKING THING, BABE.

"PIN THIS SHIT TO THE CALENDAR.

"THIS GUY'S GIVING AWAY CASH
IN THE INVITE.

"HE MAY HAVE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL.
P. DIDDY MIGHT BE HANGING OUT.

"CHAIRS MADE OF SHRIMP.
I DON'T KNOW.

TALKING ABOUT DECADENCE, HERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE
MY WIFE MARRIED ME.

I MADE SO MANY STUPID MISTAKES
COURTING HER.

OH, MY GOD.

I USE THAT TERM LOOSELY --
"COURTING."

THE WORST FIGHT WE EVER
GOT INTO -- OH, MY GOD.

WE WERE LIKE 20 YEARS OLD, 21.

WE WERE LIVING
IN BROOKLYN, NEW YORK,

AND MY SISTER WAS GRADUATING
COLLEGE IN UPSTATE NEW YORK.

NOW, I DON'T HAVE TO
REALLY TELL YOU GUYS.

MOST METROPOLITAN CITIES
ARE THE SAME,

WHERE THERE'S LIKE
A 15-MINUTE GAP ON A FRIDAY

WHERE YOU CAN LEAVE THE CITY
AND GET OUT TO THE OUTSKIRTS

WITHOUT HAVING TO BRING A TENT
AND SOME SUPPLIES

AND SLEEP ON A MAJOR HIGHWAY,
YOU KNOW?

TRAFFIC CAN GET
REALLY, REALLY BAD.

SO I KNOW THIS FRAME,

THIS LITTLE TIME FRAME
THAT I HAVE TO GET INTO.

SO I TOLD MY WIFE --
I WAS LIKE, "BABE,

"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
WE'RE IN.

WE GOT TO GET THIS THING DONE."
SHE'S LIKE, "GREAT."

WE GET IN THE CAR.
WE'RE DRIVING UP.

10 MINUTES AWAY. NO TRAFFIC.
SHE'S TALKING, AND SHE'S HAPPY.

AND I'M JUST LIKE,
"OH, GOD, IS THIS WHOLE TRIP

GONNA BE YOU WITH
YOUR FUCKING MOUTH LIKE THIS?"

SO, THEN, SHE'S TALKING,
AND SHE STOPS.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
I FORGOT IT."

I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT DID YOU FORGET?"

SHE'S LIKE, "I FORGOT THE DRESS.

I FORGOT THE DRESS THAT I BOUGHT
FOR THE GRADUATION."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, WELL,
YOU'RE GONNA GO NAKED

BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING BACK."

SHE'S LIKE, "PLEASE, PLEASE!
WE HAVE TO GO BACK.

I BOUGHT THIS
SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS."

I'M LIKE, "FINE! FUCK IT!"

WE TURN AROUND. WE GO BACK.
SHE GOES UP TO GET THE DRESS.

I GO NEXT DOOR TO THE DELI
TO GRAB A COUPLE SANDWICHES

'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA
NEED THEM NOW.

WE GET BACK IN THE CAR,

AND WE ARE IN NOW
BUMPER-TO-BUMPER TRAFFIC,

THE WORST.

AND MY HEAD IS SPLITTING
AND THROBBING.

AND SHE'S EATING,
AND SHE'S HAPPY,

AND SHE'S TALKING TO ME

ABOUT EVERYTHING
THAT'S GOING ON WITH HER.

AND SHE JUST KEPT GOING.

AND I FINALLY TURNED,
AND I WENT,

"BABE, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
LET'S NOT TALK ANYMORE.

LET'S NOT SPEAK TO ONE ANOTHER.
LET'S JUST SHUT ALL THIS DOWN."

AND SHE'S LIKE,
"YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

"YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

NO ONE'S EVER TAUGHT YOU
TO BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING."

AND SHE JUST KEPT GOING.

SO WHAT DID I DO?
I LOST MY MIND.

I GRABBED HER SANDWICH
OUT OF HER LAP,

AND I THREW IT
OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SAID, "YOU WANT YOUR SANDWICH?
NOW IT'S ON THE BQE. ENJOY IT."

SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
YOU ARE AN ANIMAL.

"LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL
SOMEONE LEFT THE DOOR OPEN TO.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

BUT THEN SHE WAS QUIET,
AND I FELT LIKE I WON.

BUT I'M DRIVING NOW,

AND I NOTICE
ON THE CONSOLE OF MY CAR

THERE'S A HUGE DOLLOP
OF MUSTARD -- HUGE --

AND IT CAME OUT OF HER SANDWICH.

IT DID NOT COME OUT OF MINE
BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET MUSTARD.

SO I'M LOOKING AT THIS DOLLOP
OF MUSTARD, AND IT'S STEWING.

I'M LIKE, "GOD DAMN THIS THING.

I AM NOT CLEANING THIS UP.
I AM NOT."

AND I'M SAYING ALL THIS
IN MY HEAD,

AND I'M LIKE,
"I AM NOT GONNA DO THIS."

FINALLY I TURN TO HER AND GO,

"HEY, BABE, YOU KNOW
YOU SPILLED SOME MUSTARD?

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY
JUST CLEAN THAT UP."

SHE'S LIKE, "FUCK YOU,
CLEAN UP THE MUSTARD!

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE --
MR. BELVEDERE IN HERE?"

AND SHE JUST KEPT GOING.

SO WHAT DID I DO?
I LOST MY MIND.

I LOOKED AT HER, AND I WAS LIKE,

"OH, DON'T WORRY.
I'LL CLEAN UP THE MUSTARD."

AND I GRABBED THE DRESS THAT
SHE BOUGHT FOR THE GRADUATION

IN THE BACK SEAT, AND
I WIPED THE MUSTARD UP MYSELF.

HOLY SHIT!

YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE
"MAN ON FIRE"

WHEN DENZEL SHOVES THAT ROCKET
UP THAT GUY'S ASS,

AND HE FLOATS?

WELL, THANK GOD MY WIFE
DIDN'T HAVE AN ASS ROCKET

'CAUSE I WOULD'VE BEEN DEAD.

SHE JUMPED OUT OF A MOVING CAR.

LITERALLY IS NOW RUNNING
DOWN THE ROAD.

AND I'M LIKE,
"I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR HER.

I HAVE TO GET HER
BACK INTO THE CAR."

I'M LIKE, "BABE, PLEASE,
PLEASE COME BACK INTO THE CAR.

"I AM SO SORRY.
WE NEVER HAVE TO TALK.

BUT YOU HAVE TO
GET BACK IN THE CAR."

FINALLY GETS BACK IN.

WE'RE DRIVING UP IN SILENCE,
LIKE FUNERAL SILENCE NOW.

AND IT'S APPARENT THAT
WE'RE NEVER GONNA SPEAK AGAIN.

SO, WE GET TO THE GRADUATION,
AND WE CHECK INTO THE HOTEL.

AND I WENT TO MY ROOM,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE WENT.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA GO LOOK
FOR ANOTHER BOYFRIEND.

BUT HERE'S A SIDENOTE.

LIKE I SAID, MY PARENTS LOVE HER

A THOUSAND TIMES MORE
THAN THEY'VE EVER LOVED ME.

SO, NOW I'M SLEEPING
IN MY OWN ROOM

THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS A KEY TO --
NOBODY.

AND I JUST FEEL
EYES STARING AT ME.

I SORT OF OPENED UP MY ONE EYE,
AND MY DAD JUST LEANS DOWN,

AND HE STICKS HIS FINGERS
IN HIS MOUTH,

AND HE WHISTLES
AS LOUD AS HE CAN.

AND MY MOM JUST STARTS
THROWING THINGS AT ME.

SHE'S THROWING EVERYTHING AT ME.
THEN SHE TURNS TO MY DAD.

SHE'S LIKE, "THIS IS ALL YOU!
YOU DID THIS!"

SO MY DAD STARTS TO HIT ME.

MY WIFE IS IN THE BACK

EATING A HAM SANDWICH
LIKE THIS --

"NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM."

[ APPLAUSE ]

WE GOT MARRIED
FIVE YEARS LATER, GUYS.

MIRACLES HAPPEN.

WE LIVED TOGETHER
BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.

PEOPLE ASK,
"WHEN DID YOU GUYS MOVE IN?

WHEN DID YOU GUYS DECIDE
YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT?"

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

"ONE DAY SHE WAS THERE,

"AND THEN SHE JUST
SORT OF NEVER LEFT.

THAT WAS IT."

WOMEN DON'T NECESSARILY TELL YOU
WHEN THEY MOVE IN.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

THEY JUST SLOWLY INVADE
YOUR SHIT LIKE GERMANY.

EVERY DAY YOU FIND NEW SHIT
AT YOUR HOUSE.

YEAH.

THEY DON'T SAY LIKE,
"HEY, CAN YOU MAKE ME A KEY?"

THEY JUST COME IN.

YOU START TO SEE THINGS
THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE --

TOOTHBRUSHES AND THEN HER iPOD.

THEN YOU START TO SEE
PICTURES OF PEOPLE

THAT YOU NEVER EVEN MET BEFORE.

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE.

THERE'S A PICTURE
OF SOME DUDE WITH A SOMBRERO

ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHO THE FUCK
IS THAT GUY?

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO CANCúN."

THEN ONE DAY,
ALL YOUR SHIT'S JUST GONE.

IT'S JUST GONE.
I USED TO HAVE STUFF, THINGS.

THEY WEREN'T NICE THINGS,
BUT THEY WERE MY THINGS.

I HAD A NIKE SWOOSH IN A FRAME.

YEAH. I WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT!

"LOOK AT
THAT DOPE-ASS NIKE SWOOSH!

FRAME THAT SHIT! UNH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS BLACK
FOR TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO TELL YOU GUYS.

IT WAS AN ERA OF BLACKNESS.

CAME HOME ONE DAY,
ALL OF IT WAS GONE --

JUST GONE --

REPLACED WITH WICKER HEARTS
AND SCONCES WITH CANDLES.

REMEMBER SCONCES?
YEAH, SCONCES HOLD CANDLES.

I HAD 48 CANDLES
IN A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT.

I HAD NO IDEA WHY.

I WAS LIKE,
"LOOK AT THIS, SWEETHEART.

"THIS IS CALLED A LIGHT SWITCH.

"I PAY THE UTILITY BILL
EVERY MONTH.

WE DON'T NEED
THE CATHEDRAL HERE, OKAY?"

BUT SHE WENT TO BED EARLY,

AND IT WAS MY JOB
TO PUT THEM OUT.

I WAS LIKE AN ALTAR BOY
AT THE END OF THE NIGHT,

PUTTING OUT ALL THE CANDLES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I USED TO HAVE ONE PILLOW
ON MY BED -- ONE.

YEAH, IT HAD BROWN STAINS ON IT,

AND I FOLDED IT FOUR TIMES,
AND I PUT IT BEHIND MY HEAD.

BUT I MISS IT. I DO.

YOU KNOW WHY?
I HAVE 14 PILLOWS ON MY BED.

14. NO HUMAN BEING
NEEDS 14 PILLOWS TO SLEEP.

I GOOGLED THAT SHIT.

PARAPLEGICS
NEED THREE AT THE MOST.

YES.

FOR SAFETY.

BUT THE WORST PART WAS,

SHE WOULD GO TO WORK EARLY
IN THE MORNING,

AND GUESS WHOSE JOB IT WAS
TO MAKE THE BED?

YEAH, THE UNEMPLOYED COMEDIAN
RIGHT OVER HERE.

EVERY DAY, I'D BE SWEATING
AT 11:30 IN THE MORNING,

TRYING TO REMEMBER
WHERE THE UNICORN PILLOW GOES.

ALSO TRYING TO REMEMBER
WHERE THAT LOG GOES.

WHERE DOES THAT LOG GO?
AT THE BOTTOM, OR THE TOP?

WHAT DOES IT DO?

MEANWHILE,
I WAS WATCHING "MAURY POVICH,"

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHOSE BABY IT WAS.

"WAS IT DARNELL'S BABY
OR LAQUAN'S BABY?

"I'M NOT SURE WHOSE BABY IT IS.

"IT'S GOT LAQUAN'S EYES,

BUT IT COULD STILL GO
EITHER WAY IN MY MIND."

AND THEN SHE'D COME HOME...

...EVERY DAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE WAS NOT ONE DAY
WHERE SHE DIDN'T COME HOME.

SOMETIMES
I'D SIT AT HOME, GOING,

"OH, MAYBE SHE WON'T
COME HOME TODAY.

"OH, THERE SHE IS! YAY!

LOVE OF MY LIFE."

AND THAT'S WHEN THE TALKING,

THE COMMUNICATION PROCESS
HAPPENED.

YEAH.

YEAH, BACK THEN,
IT WAS JUST HER AND I.

THERE WERE NO KIDS,
DISTRACTIONS AT ALL.

IT WAS JUST HER AND I.

SHE HAD A LOT TO SAY,
ALL DAY LONG.

MY WIFE -- I WAS POSITIVE --
HAD A METAPHORICAL BOX,

AND SHE WOULD TAKE HER THOUGHTS
ALL DAY,

AND SHE WOULD JUST DROP THEM
INTO THIS BOX.

"OOH, THIS IS A GOOD TOPIC
OF CONVERSATION.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ] OOH!

I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT THIS
WHEN I GET HOME."

THEN WHEN SHE WOULD GET THERE,

SHE WOULD JUST VOMIT THE BOX
ONTO MY FACE,

LIKE SOME SORT
OF VERBAL BUKKAKE.

I WOULD JUST TAKE -- "AAH!"

PREPOSITIONAL PHRASES
OFF MY EYELIDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TELL ME STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHO SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

BUT YOU HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION.

YOU HAVE TO MATCH INTENSITY.
THAT'S THE KEY.

SHE WOULD TELL ME THESE STORIES
ABOUT A WOMAN,

AND IT DIDN'T MATTER
WHO THE WOMAN WAS.

SHE'D BE LIKE, "CAN YOU BELIEVE
THAT THIS WOMAN SAID THAT?"

I'D BE LIKE,
"BABE, SHE'S A BITCH!

"AND SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN A BITCH!

"FROM DAY ONE,
I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT WOMAN!

DON'T TRUST HER!"

I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO IT WAS
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

IT DIDN'T MATTER.

YOU JUST HAVE TO MATCH
THE INTENSITY.

SHE WOULD STARE AT ME
LIKE A HAWK

TO MAKE SURE I WAS LISTENING

TO EVERY WORD
THAT CAME OUT OF HER MOUTH.

"I WANT TO BE AN ACTRESS.
I'M GONNA BE A WRITER.

"DA, DA, DA, DA,
DA, DA, DA, DA, DA.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?"

"'SportsCenter.'"

"WELL, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA WATCH NEXT?"

"THE SAME FUCKING
'SportsCenter' --

THE SAME ONE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU'RE TALKING
THROUGH THE HIGHLIGHTS."

IT GOT TO THE POINT --
I'M A COMEDIAN.

I WOULD GET HOME LATE FROM WORK
EVERY NIGHT.

I WOULD HAVE TO SNEAK
INTO MY VERY OWN BED,

JUST PRAYING THAT I DIDN'T
RUFFLE THE SHEETS TOO MUCH.

BECAUSE IF I DID -- BOOM!
SHE WAS RIGHT HERE.

"MY FEET HURT. MY BACK HURTS.
I HATE MY JOB. DO YOU LOVE ME?

DA, DA, DA, DA,
DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA."

SO I JUST THOUGHT
SHE WAS LIKE A T. REX.

IF I DIDN'T MOVE,
SHE COULDN'T SEE ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR I'D SAY,
"DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?"

AND [SNORES]

RIGHT TO FUCKING SLEEP.

YEAH.

THOSE ARE THE MAGIC WORDS,
"DO YOU WANT TO FUCK?"

"NO, LET'S JUST SPOON."

"YEAH, LET ME HOLD AN ERECTION
FOR 8 HOURS.

"THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN!

YEAH! SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

GETTING A VASECTOMY
IN TWO WEEKS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

YEP. YEAH. WE'RE DONE.
DONE HAVING KIDS.

WILLY WONKA IS SHUTTING DOWN
THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

NO MORE GOLDEN TICKETS.

YEAH.

I WAS DOING A LOT OF RESEARCH.

I USED TO HAVE A NIGHTMARE
THAT THEY WOULD BE OVER ME,

AND THEY WOULD BE LOOKING
AT MY VAS DEFERENS --

LIKE IT WAS ONE OF THOSE
BAD ACTION MOVIES

WHERE THEY HAD TO DEFUSE THE
BOMB AND SNIP THE RIGHT WIRE --

AND THEY SNIPPED THE WRONG ONE,
AND MY DICK EXPLODED.

THERE WAS JUST MEAT EVERYWHERE.

YEAH.

BUT THEN I DID
A LOT OF RESEARCH,

AND I'M LIKE,
"NO, THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN."

BUT WHAT CAN HAPPEN --

IN 5% OF THE CASES,
IT DOESN'T WORK.

DO YOU KNOW THAT?
LIKE, IT WILL NOT WORK.

I MET A GUY WHO WAS LIKE, "YEAH,
YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL, MAN.

MY VASECTOMY DIDN'T WORK
THE FIRST TIME."

I WAS LIKE, "WHOA.
WHAT HAPPENED, MAN?"

HE WAS LIKE,
"WE HAD A BABY, DUMMY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

HE WAS LIKE, "WELL,
WE WENT BACK TO THE DOCTOR,

AND HE DID IT PROPERLY
THE SECOND TIME."

I WAS LIKE, "WAIT. WAIT. WAIT."

"YOU WENT TO THE SAME
FUCKING DOCTOR?

WHAT WAS THAT CONVERSATION
LIKE?"

YOU COME STROLLING IN
WITH A BABY, BE GOING,

"HEY, MOTHERFUCKER!
REMEMBER ME?!

"NO, NO, NO, LADY. MY CHART'S
ALREADY BACK THERE, OKAY?

"I'M JUST HERE
FOR SOME CHILD SUPPORT.

IT TAKES A MEDICAL OFFICE
TO RAISE A BABY."

I'M TELLING YOU.

KILL EVERYBODY.

I'M GONNA NEED TO BE
HIGHLY MEDICATED FOR THAT.

A LOT OF POT
TO GET MY VASECTOMY.

WHEN I LIVED IN CALIFORNIA,
THEY HAVE MEDICAL MARIJUANA,

SO I WAS SICK
ALL THE TIME THAT I LIVED THERE.

I WAS VERY, VERY ILL.

BUT NOW I LIVE IN NEW YORK.
I HAD TO GET A DRUG DEALER.

WHICH WAS --
YEAH, A DRUG DEALER.

2013, I NEED A DRUG DEALER.

THIS IS HOW I GOT MY GUY.

I HAD SMOKED A JOINT ONE NIGHT,
AND THEN MY WIFE'S LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO
FOR DINNER TONIGHT?

WE GOT TO FIGURE THIS OUT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "BABE,
LET'S JUST ORDER A PIZZA.

LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE TONIGHT,
OKAY?"

SO, I ORDER THE PIZZA,

AND THE GUY ON THE PHONE
TELLS ME

IT'S GONNA BE A HALF-HOUR.

GREAT.

40 MINUTES GOES BY, NO PIZZA.

SO NOW THE PRESSURE
STARTS TO BUILD UP.

OH, YEAH.

AND MY WIFE AND I START TO PLAY
OUR FAVORITE GAME,

CALLED
"PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SOFTBALL,"

WHERE SHE HEAVES
THESE LOADED QUESTIONS MY WAY,

AND I JUST HAVE TO GENTLY
BAT THEM OUT OF THE WAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

"WHICH PIZZA PLACE
DID YOU ORDER FROM?"

I'M LIKE, "OH, PATIO."

"HOW LONG DID THEY SAY
IT WAS GONNA BE?"

"UH...ABOUT 30 MINUTES."

"WELL, WHAT TIME
IS IT GONNA BE HERE?"

I'M LIKE, "WELL,
WHEN IT GETS HERE,

RUN AND LOOK AT THE CLOCK."

BANG.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S NOT A NICE THING
TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE.

I KNOW THAT.

BUT I WAS UPSET,

BECAUSE SHE KEPT BOTHERING ME

ABOUT WHEN IT WAS
GONNA GET THERE.

AND I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU GUYS KNOW,

BUT THERE'S A NEW UNWRITTEN RULE
IN AMERICA

THAT WHOEVER ORDERS THE PIZZA

IS NOW IN CHARGE OF
THE ENTIRE PIZZA PROCESS --

YEAH, BEGINNING TO END --

SAUCE QUALITY, CRUST SIZE,
PEPPERONI DISTRIBUTION.

IT'S ALL ON YOUR SHOULDERS.

YOU PICKED UP THE PHONE.

SO NOW MORE AND MORE TIME'S
GOING BY.

AND I WAS PARANOID
AT THIS POINT.

AND, GUYS,
I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I WAS...LIKE 90% SURE
THAT I ORDERED THE PIZZA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THERE'S STILL THAT 10% THAT
FLOATS AROUND IN YOUR BRAIN,

BEING LIKE, "DID I JUST CALL MY
DAD AND TELL HIM I LIKE PIZZA?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE I LOVE PIZZA.
HE LOVES PIZZA, TOO.

WE LOVE PIZZA.

YOU COULD PUT PEPPERONIS ON IT
OR SAUSAGE, MUSHROOMS --

WHATEVER YOU WANT.

BUT I DID. I ORDERED IT.
I DID.

BECAUSE 10 MINUTES LATER,
THERE WAS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

I OPEN IT UP.

THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY'S
STANDING THERE.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, HEY, MAN,
HOW'S IT GOING?"

AND HE LOOKS RIGHT AT ME
AND GOES,

"WELL, NOT GOOD, BECAUSE
I FORGOT YOUR FUCKING PIZZA!"

TURNS AWAY,
WALKS DOWN THE DRIVEWAY,

GETS IN HIS CAR,
AND DRIVES AWAY.

AND I JUST STARTED LAUGHING.

I LAUGHED SO HARD.

I ALMOST PISSED MY PANTIES,
I WAS LAUGHING THAT HARD.

AND MY WIFE COMES OUT,

AND SHE'S LIKE,
"WHAT IS GOING ON?!"

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, I'M HIGH,

"BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED HERE.

THIS IS NOT MY FAULT."

SO, I CALL THE PIZZA PLACE UP,
AND I WAS LIKE,

"I DON'T KNOW
WHAT JUST OCCURRED HERE,

"UM, BUT YOUR DELIVERY GENTLEMAN
CAME TO THE DOOR,

"AND THEN
HE DIDN'T HAVE THE PIZZA,

AND THEN HE YELLED AT ME
AND LEFT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THE GUY ON THE PHONE
WAS PHENOMENAL.

HE'S LIKE, "AW! SHIT!

"SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

FRANK! THIS KID'S RETARDED!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

RIGHT AWAY -- "RETARD,"
"F" BOMBS, HORRIBLE LANGUAGE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED
IN ANY OF THIS.

I JUST WANT TO FEED MY FAMILY.

HE GETS BACK ON THE PHONE.
HE'S LIKE, "I'M SO SORRY, MAN."

I'M LIKE, "LOOK,
I JUST WANT A PIZZA.

THAT'S ALL I WANT."

HE'S LIKE, "WE ARE GONNA
GIVE YOU ONE FOR FREE.

"THIS ONE'S ON US.

PLEASE, JUST GIVE US
20 MINUTES."

20 MINUTES GOES BY.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR, OPEN IT UP,

WHO WAS STANDING THERE
BUT THE SAME DELIVERY GUY.

THIS TIME HE HAS A PIZZA.

NO EYE CONTACT --
HE'S JUST LOOKING AT THE FLOOR.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

BECAUSE, IN MY MIND, I'M LIKE,

"HE IS HERE TO MURDER ME
AND MY WHOLE FAMILY.

HE'S BEEN FIRED,
AND NOW HE'S HERE TO KILL US."

SO I WAS JUST GONNA BE NICE.

I WAS LIKE, "OH! HEY, MAN!

"LOOK AT YOU...AGAIN.

"THAT'S...THAT'S GOOD.

"YOU HAD A GOOD DRY RUN
THERE, BUDDY.

"ALL RIGHT.
IT'S GOOD TO PRACTICE THINGS.

"THAT'S A --
THAT'S A GOOD STRATEGY.

YOU OKAY? YOU ALL RIGHT?
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?"

HE'S LIKE, "I'M SORRY, MAN.

"I'M SORRY. I, UH...

"I FUCKED UP A BIT, UM...

"YOU KNOW, UH, UH...

"FULL DISCLOSURE --
I'M SUPER-BAKED RIGHT NOW, MAN.

I AM REALLY, REALLY HIGH."

AND I'M LIKE, "SO AM I, DUDE.

THAT'S WHY I ORDERED THIS PIZZA
2 1/2 GODDAMN HOURS AGO."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS LIKE, "DID YOU HAVE
A LOT OF DELIVERIES?"

HE WAS LIKE, "NO, MAN --
JUST YOURS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I WAS LIKE, "WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. HOLD ON.

"YOU GOT IN THE CAR
WITH NO PIZZA,

"DROVE TO MY HOUSE SANS PIZZA,

"JUST 'FUCK IT. AAH!'

"AND THEN I GUESS FELT,
WHAT, OBLIGATED

TO COME IN AND SCREAM AT ME?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT KIND OF SHIT
ARE YOU SMOKING?"

HE GOES, "IT'S REALLY GOOD."

I'M LIKE, "FINE. YOU'RE
MY NEW DRUG DEALER. OKAY?"

[ APPLAUSE ]

"DON'T FORGET THE WEED."

THESE THINGS HAPPEN
ALL THE TIME, MAN.

YOU NEVER KNOW --
THESE CRAZY LITTLE EVENTS.

MY POOR WIFE, SHE HAS TO
DEAL WITH ALL THIS.

I SEE HER EVERY DAY JUST KIND OF
GETTING A LITTLE UPSET,

BECAUSE, I MEAN, WHAT'S GOING ON
IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW IS,

SHE'S RESIGNED TO THE FACT

THAT SHE'S GONNA BE
SURROUNDED BY DICKS

FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

SHE REALLY IS.

AND IT'S SAD.
I SEE IT ON HER FACE.

YOU KNOW, MY BOYS
ARE NAKED CONSTANTLY.

I AM NUDE SOMETIMES.

WE HAVE A 90-POUND LAB
THAT SITS IN THE KITCHEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'LL JUST SIT THERE
AND WATCH MY WIFE DO DISHES.

[ GROWLING ]

THEN THAT LITTLE PINK LIPSTICK
COMES SHOOTING OUT.

HE'S LIKE -- [ GROWLING ]

AND MY WIFE'S LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD. PLEASE."

YEAH.

A WHILE BACK,

MY WIFE WAS CHANGING
MY NEW SON'S DIAPER.

AND AS SHE WAS DOING SO,
I WALKED PAST THE ROOM,

AND SHE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION
TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING

'CAUSE WE GOT
INTO A CONVERSATION.

AND I DON'T HAVE TO
TELL YOU GUYS.

KIDS JUST PISS
WHENEVER THEY HAVE TO PISS.

AND BOYS, IT KIND OF SHOOTS UP.

SO, THE DIAPER WASN'T ON,
AND MY SON STARTED TO PEE,

AND THE PEE CAME UP
AND HIT MY WIFE IN THE NECK,

AND WE WERE LIKE, "WHOA!"

AND THEN SHE BACKED UP
TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON,

AND SOME OF IT WENT
RIGHT INTO THE CLOWN'S MOUTH.

[ CROWD GROANS ]

NO, NO, LIVE
THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING

YOU HAVE EVER SEEN
IN YOUR LIFE --

IN YOUR LIFE!

DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR INTO GOOGLE
YOU HAVE TO GO

TO FIND PEOPLE PEEING
IN OTHER PEOPLE'S MOUTHS

IN A COMEDIC FASHION?

IT'S VERY DEEP, GUYS.

BUT I DIDN'T LAUGH.
I HAVE MATURED JUST ENOUGH.

10 YEARS AGO,
I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE, "HA HA!

"PISS IN YOUR MOUTH, BITCH!
HA HA HA!

PEE IN YOUR MOUTH!"

FIVE YEARS AGO,
I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE,

"OH! YOU LIKE THAT?
I'M GOING NEXT! HA HA HA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I DIDN'T LAUGH.

I PULLED BACK
ALL THOSE FEELINGS.

MY FIRST INSTINCT
IS USUALLY INCORRECT.

I PULLED THAT FEELING BACK,

AND I WENT IN,
AND I FIX THE DIAPER,

AND I WIPE THE PEE
OFF HER MOUTH.

I WAS LIKE SOME SORT
OF ROMANTIC JASON BOURNE.

IT WAS LIKE I BLACKED OUT,

I JUST WENT IN
AND DID EVERYTHING.

"EVERYTHING'S PERFECT."

AND MY WIFE LOOKED AT ME.

AND SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,
BUT SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME.

AND WHAT HER EYES TOLD ME WAS
THAT WHAT I HAD JUST DONE

WAS GOOD FOR ONE BLOWJOB
IN THE NEXT SIX MONTHS.

THAT'S THE DIRECT EXCHANGE RATE
FOR THAT TYPE OF LOVE

SHOWN IN CRITICAL SITUATIONS
LIKE THAT.

SO THEN MY WIFE TAKES MY SON
OUT TO THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE'S BREAST-FEEDING HIM
ON THE COUCH.

AND THEN UDAY
COMES OUT OF HIS ROOM.

WE CALL MY 4-YEAR-OLD UDAY
WHEN HE'S IN CERTAIN MOODS,

AFTER UDAY HUSSEIN,
'CAUSE THEY CAN BOTH BE DICKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO HE SWINGS HIS DOOR OPEN,

AND HE JUST COMES WALKING
INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

AND LIKE I SAID, THIS KID'S GOT
TWO ISSUES RIGHT NOW --

HE'S JEALOUS OF MY NEW SON,
AND HE IS NAKED.

AND I'M TALKING ABOUT
UNCOMFORTABLY NAKED,

24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK.

IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH
LADY GAGA.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

AND I'VE HAD CONVERSATIONS
WITH MY WIFE BEFORE.

I'M LIKE, "BABE, WHAT DO WE DO
ABOUT THIS WHOLE NAKED THING?

I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS.
ARE YOU?"

I'M LIKE, "WE'RE RAISING ONE
OF THOSE HBO 'REAL SEX' PEOPLE

"THAT LIVE IN THE WOODS.

THIS KID'S A NUDIST."

SHE'S LIKE, "IGNORE IT.

"HONEY, JUST IGNORE IT.

"IF YOU IGNORE IT,
HE WON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE.

IT WON'T BE INTERESTING TO HIM."

BUT I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU COULD POSSIBLY IGNORE

LITTLE BABY, NAKED BARYSHNIKOV,

WHO'S NOW DOING
A FULL-BLOWN DANCE PRODUCTION

IN THE LIVING ROOM.

I MEAN, THE WHOLE SHOW.

AS MY WIFE IS SITTING THERE

TRYING TO BREAST-FEED
MY OTHER SON,

I'M SITTING NEXT TO HER,

AND WE'RE TRYING TO
STARE THROUGH THIS 4-YEAR-OLD

LIKE HE'S PATRICK SWAYZE
IN "GHOST."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT WAS WORKING.

IT WAS WORKING,
BECAUSE HE WAS GETTING UPSET.

HE WASN'T GETTING
THE ATTENTION HE WANTED.

SO NOW HE'S GETTING
CLOSER TO US.

HE'S LIKE, "WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS
PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

AND NOW HE'S RIGHT UP ON US.

HE'S RIGHT THERE.

I MEAN, WE ARE FEET AWAY
FROM EACH OTHER.

AND I'M LIKE,
"BABE, WHAT DO WE DO?"

SHE GOES,
"JUST LOOK THROUGH HIM!"

BUT YOU CAN'T,
BECAUSE HE'S RIGHT THERE NOW.

HE'S ON OUR LAPS,
AND HE'S JUST GRINDING AWAY.

AND HIS LITTLE MOZZARELLA STICK

IS HITTING OFF
MY OTHER SON'S HEAD...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...ALL WHILE MY WIFE
WAS TRYING TO BREAST-FEED.

AND, GUYS,
I LAUGHED MY BALLS OFF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET TWO
BLOWJOBS IN SIX MONTHS --

NOT IN MY HOUSE.

NOT AT THE RATE
I'VE BEEN WORKING AT

FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS.

BEEN DOING A LOT OF COLLEGES
RECENTLY, TOO.

GOD.

THE 19-YEAR-OLD MALE

IS THE MOST AGGRESSIVE SPECIES
ON THE PLANET EARTH.

I REALLY --
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I FEEL BAD FOR THE GIRLS
THAT GO TO COLLEGE. I REALLY DO.

THEY'RE ANIMALS. THEY ARE.

I WAS DOING THIS BIT
AT THIS COLLEGE

ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE
TO TALK DIRTY WITH MY WIFE.

AND LET ME EXPLAIN
SOMETHING TO YOU --

IT'S NOT MY THING, OKAY?

IT'S NEVER REALLY BEEN MY THING.
I'M NOT INTO IT.

I UNDERSTAND
HOW PEOPLE CAN BE INTO IT

IF YOU'RE DOWN WITH THAT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "AH,"
YOU KNOW, "HEY, BITCH."

WHATEVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAY.

AND BY THE WAY,
THAT'S NOT HOW I FUCK, OKAY?

I DON'T FUCK LIKE
SOME SORT OF BROKEN PINOCCHIO,

JUST SLAMMING MY BODY
INTO MY WIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, I JUST HAVE A PROBLEM WITH,
AT NIGHT,

LOOKING AT YOUR WIFE OR
YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND BEING LIKE,

"OH, YOU LIKE THAT, BITCH?

WHORE! YOU'RE A SLUT!"

AND IN THE MORNING, BEING LIKE,
"YOU WANT TO SPLIT A BAGEL?

YOU WANT A WHEAT BAGEL?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO THESE GUYS DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

THEY DIDN'T GRASP IT AT ALL.

THESE 19-YEAR-OLD GUYS ARE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
MAN?

"THAT'S A SIGN OF RESPECT.

"WHEN YOU TELL A WOMAN
WHAT YOU WANT,

YOU'RE SHOWING HER RESPECT."

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE."

AND THEN THE COOL GUY --

THE COOL GUY OF THE GROUP'S
LIKE,

"IF I'M WITH A CHICK,
AND I WANT A BLOWJOB,

I'D BE LIKE, 'HEY,
SUCK MY DICK AND LIKE IT!'"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA, MAN!

"WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR --
I-HATE-WOMEN STUDIES?

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

"WHAT DID PROFESSOR CHRIS BROWN
TEACH YOU AT THIS COLLEGE?

"COME ON.

YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I GOT HIGH WITH THESE GUYS
AFTER THE SHOW.

AND I WENT HOME,

AND I WAS HANGING OUT
WITH MY WIFE.

AND WE WERE ON THE COUCH
WATCHING

"EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER."

IT WAS VERY SAD.
WE WERE EMOTIONAL.

SHE WAS LOOKING AT ME,
AND I WAS LOOKING AT HER.

AND MY BRAIN...

[ CHUCKLES ]

MY BRAIN WAS LIKE,
"SHOW HER SOME RESPECT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I LOOKED AT MY WIFE,
AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, BABE...

WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY DICK
AND LIKE IT?"

SHE WENT, "WHAT THE FUCK
DID YOU JUST SAY?!"

"SUCKING DICKS AND...

DICKS AND..."

SHE'S LIKE, "SAY IT AGAIN!"

I'M LIKE, "I SUCK
MY OWN DICK NOW, OKAY?

"I SUCK MY OWN DICK,

"AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

"THAT'S OFF YOUR PLATE.
THAT'S ALL ME NOW.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW YOU DID IT FOR SO LONG.

IT'S SO GROSS. UGH. YEESH."

THAT'S WHY I KNOW MY BODY, GUYS.

I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

WHEN I GET HOME LATE AT NIGHT,
I LOVE TO PLAY MY FAVORITE GAME.

OH, I LOVE IT.

IT'S CALLED "TRY TO JERK OFF
WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THE MORE PEOPLE YOU ADD TO
YOUR FAMILY, THE HARDER IT GETS.

ANYONE MARRIED
IN THE FRONT UP HERE?

A COUPLE PEOPLE? YEAH?

WHO'S MARRIED? YOU GUYS MARRIED?
HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?

Woman: THREE YEARS.

Rannazzisi:
THREE YEARS. VERY NICE.

IN THREE YEARS,

HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT HIM
TAKING CARE OF HIMSELF?

NO. OKAY. GOOD. GOOD.

FIRST OF ALL,
DO YOU THINK THAT HE DOES?

LET'S START THERE.

-Woman: [ Chuckling ] YES.
-Rannazzisi: YES! YES!

YES! YOU'RE RIGHT!

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE
THINKS HE DOES?

ALL THE HUMAN BEINGS THAT ARE
IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, THE PEOPLE WORKING
THE CAMERAS, THE LIGHTS,

THEY'RE LIKE,
"YEAH, HE JERKS OFF."

HE'S PROBABLY DONE IT
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN HERE TONIGHT.

MAYBE YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM
FOR A MINUTE,

AND HE'S LIKE,
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT."

GO FOR IT.

WE KNOW, 'CAUSE HE HAS ARMS
THAT REACH DOWN HERE.

HE DOESN'T HAVE
LITTLE T. REX ARMS.

THAT'S HOW WE KNOW FOR SURE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE'S A FILTHY ANIMAL.

DON'T FEEL BAD.

HIM, ME, EVERY GUY
IN THIS WHOLE PLACE IS --

EVERY ONE OF YOU.

IF YOU HAD SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND
OR YOUR BOYFRIEND

FOR 23 HOURS A DAY,

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'D BE DOING
THAT 24th HOUR?

TOUCHING HIMSELF,
THINKING OF CRAZY SHIT.

WE REBOOT QUICK, GUYS.

MY WIFE WON'T LET ME
DONKEY-PUNCH HER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

BUT UP HERE,

I CAN DONKEY-PUNCH
ANYONE I WANT.

UP HERE, I'M POUNDING AWAY.

THERE'S ICE-CREAM TRUCKS, PEOPLE
WALKING IN AND OUT OF DOORS.

THAT DUDE WITH HALF A FACE
FROM "BOARDWALK EMPIRE"

HAS GOT A RIFLE
AT THE FRONT DOOR.

I NEED SECURITY
IN MY FANTASIES, GUYS.

AND I GET CAUGHT.
AND I TRY NOT TO GET CAUGHT.

I'M NOT AN ANIMAL.
I'M NOT.

I SET UP TRAPS AROUND THE DOOR.

I'VE GOT NEWSPAPER
AND BUBBLE WRAP AND SHIT,

BUT MY WIFE IS CRAFTY.

SO I CAME UP WITH A NEW PLAN.

THIS IS WHAT I DO NOW.

NOW I JUST DO IT, RIGHT?

AND IF SHE WALKS IN
AND CATCHES ME,

I JUST LOOK AT HER.

I GO, "HEY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU'RE EITHER IN,
OR YOU'RE OUT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"EITHER WAY, THIS SHIT'S
HAPPENING, PRINCESS."

JUST WANT MY SONS TO BE
GOOD PEOPLE, GUYS, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S ALL YOU CARE ABOUT.

YOU THINK I WANT THEM
TO GROW UP LIKE ME?

NO.
THEY HAVE TO BE GOOD PEOPLE.

DOING JERK-OFF JOKES.

I MET -- LOOK, I MET
THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE

I HAVE EVER MET
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

ABOUT EIGHT MONTHS AGO.

I WAS DRIVING
AROUND LOS ANGELES,

AND I WAS BEHIND THIS CAR,
AND HE WAS SWERVING IN AND OUT.

HE WAS TEXTING.

YOU COULD TELL
HE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION.

WE PULLED UP TO A RED LIGHT,

AND IT WAS ONE OF THOSE
LEFT-HAND TURN ARROW LIGHTS.

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET --

HIS CAR,
HE HAD A BLACK MERCEDES.

HE HAD A MOONROOF.

HE WAS TEXTING.

HE WAS WEARING ONE OF THOSE
BEDAZZLED, HORRIBLE SHIRTS --

YEAH, LIKE DIFFERENT COLORS.

THERE WAS FOREIGN TECHNO MUSIC
BLARING OUT OF HIS CAR.

AND I REMEMBER
JUST LOOKING AT HIM LIKE,

"OH, THAT'S THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE
IN THE WORLD.

"LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE.

HIS MOTHER'S
PROBABLY A BITCH, TOO."

SO THE GUY IS TEXTING,
AND THE ARROW TURNS GREEN.

AND HE DOESN'T GO, BECAUSE
HE'S NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

SO, I BEEP THE HORN AT HIM
TO LET HIM KNOW,

"HEY, YOU GOT
SOME PEOPLE BEHIND YOU.

PAY ATTENTION."

WELL, I GUESS THIS UPSET HIM.

BECAUSE HE TURNS AROUND,
HE LOOKS AT ME,

HE SMILES, AND HE FLIPS ME OFF,

AND HE GOES RIGHT BACK
TO TEXTING,

AND JUST LETS THE LIGHT
TURN RED --

JUST COCKS THE WHOLE LINE,

WHICH, IN L.A.,
IS THE EQUIVALENT OF RAPE.

IT'S THE EXACT SAME THING.

IT'S AT AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL.

SO, WE'RE ALL PISSED.
EVERYBODY'S PISSED.

SO, IN THAT MOMENT OF ANGER,

FROM AROUND THE CORNER,
COMES THIS HOMELESS GUY.

AND THIS GUY'S GOT A SQUEEGEE
AND A BUCKET AND A SIGN.

AND HE GOES OVER
TO THE ASSHOLE'S CAR FIRST.

AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, MAN.
CAN I SQUEEGEE YOUR WINDOWS?"

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET --

WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING
AT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING,

THIS GUY CONTINUED TO TEXT,

AND ROLLED THE WINDOW UP
IN THE HOMELESS GUY'S FACE.

DIDN'T EVEN LOOK
AT ANOTHER PERSON.

SO, THEN THE HOMELESS GUY
COMES OVER TO ME.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, MAN.
CAN I SQUEEGEE YOUR WINDOWS?"

I SAID, "NO, NO, NO. COME HERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"COME HERE."

I SAID, "I'M GONNA
GIVE YOU $10, OKAY?

10 BUCKS."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO I HAVE
TO ACCOMPLISH TO RECEIVE $10?"

HE HAD NEVER HEARD THIS BEFORE.

IT WAS ESSENTIALLY SAYING,
"ALL HANDS ON DECK!"

LIKE, I HAD
A PERSONAL CONCIERGE.

THIS GUY WAS READY TO DO IT.
HE WAS IN.

SO, I SAID, "THIS IS WHAT
I WANT YOU TO DO, MAN.

"FOR 10 BUCKS,

"I WANT YOU TO TAKE
YOUR BUCKET OF SQUEEGEE WATER,

AND I WANT YOU TO DUMP IT
INTO THAT GUY'S MOONROOF, OKAY?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, GUYS, WHEN I TELL YOU
MOST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

WOULD HAVE PAUSED AND THOUGHT

OF THE RAMIFICATIONS
OF SUCH AN ACTION,

MAYBE MADE A LITTLE
PROS-AND-CONS LIST,

THIS GUY WALKED UP TO MY CAR,

AND HE SMILED LIKE HE KNEW
WHAT THE FUCK I KNEW.

HE HIGH-FIVED ME TWICE.

THEN HE RAN OVER TO THE BUCKET,
GIVING ME THE GUNS,

LIKE HE HAD SEEN
IN SOME STOLEN DVD SOMEWHERE,

PICKED UP THAT BUCKET,

AND THEN DUMPED IT
INTO THAT GUY'S MOONROOF

LIKE HE'D JUST WON
THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

IT WAS THE GREATEST $10 I'VE
EVER SPENT NOT IN TIJUANA --

THE GREATEST.

I SAW HIM FOUR MONTHS AGO --
THE HOMELESS GUY.

I SAW HIM FOUR MONTHS AGO,
AND WE REMEMBERED EACH OTHER.

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT KIND OF MENTAL IMPACT

YOU HAVE TO HAVE
ON A HOMELESS PERSON

TO HAVE THEM RECALL
YOUR FACIAL STRUCTURE?

BUT IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

IT WAS UNDENIABLE.
IT WAS LIKE OUR "DIRTY DANCING."

I WAS LIKE SWAYZE,

HOISTING HOMELESS, SMELLY
JENNIFER GREY ABOVE MY HEAD,

AND WE BOTH HAD
THE TIME OF OUR LIVES.

THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU, GUYS.

I HAD A GREAT TIME.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH
FOR COMING OUT!

GOOD NIGHT!

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]