Original subtitles

We're not going out. Not singing.

Just hanging around with my head in a spin. But there is no need to scream and

shout. We're not going out.

We are not going out.

Sorry I'm late.

I've been at the old people's home.

How are you, Mum and Dad?

The actual old people's home. I dropped off a couple of things we don't need any

more. How are you, Mum and Dad?

I wrapped up a few gift boxes for the residents.

Hats, gloves, a couple of cheap smellies.

Don't.

It's nice to do something charitable at Christmas, isn't it?

I suppose.

Turns out the home runs a scheme for the residents who don't have families.

You can volunteer to have an old person for Christmas dinner.

I think we'll stick with turkey again.

There's this one old man called Wilstrid, but no -one's volunteered to

yet.

I just wondered if maybe we could... Oh, Lucy, that is such a lovely thought.

Really? Yeah, but unfortunately we've already asked your parents over this

Christmas and I'm afraid you're only allowed two old -timers per household

coming round, coughing all day, moaning about the food and then falling asleep

on the sofa instead of helping to wash up.

Not my decision. It's building regs.

Having my parents isn't an act of charity.

Maybe we can take Wilfred next year. Well, he's not in great health.

There's a chance he won't be alive by then.

Maybe we won't ask Wilfred next year.

I don't see what the kids would say, seeing him propped up at the table like

that.

That's a bit cold.

I just want us to do something that helps others.

Especially after last Christmas.

What do you mean, last Christmas?

You know exactly what I mean. When he dressed up that greyhound as a reindeer

and the girl in Molly's class got bitten.

That's not my fault. Who the hell dresses their fingers up as... Pigs in

blankets.

So?

What's he like, this Wilfred?

Apparently, he's lovely, and you'll be pleased to hear he hardly eats anything,

and he doesn't drink, and he's going to dress up as Father Christmas.

The kids will love it.

Do you really want to spoil a sad old man's festivities?

Spoiling is sad old man's festivities.

And what if he gets a taste for it and wants to keep coming back?

You know what they say, a sad old man is for life, not just for Christmas.

Don't I know it.

Well... Well, it sounds like it's already been arranged.

Of course it hasn't.

They said to pick him up at 11am, make sure he's been to the toilet, and he

likes the green triangles in Quality Street.

Fine.

Thanks.

And, please, Lee, can we just have a normal Christmas this year, where

goes wrong?

I promise you, this year will be different.

I'll have the best Christmas ever.

So will Wilfred.

You're a good person and you won't go unrewarded.

And yes, by that I do mean sex.

Well, it's very kind of him to offer, but let's see how he feels after he's

a bit of dinner.

You know what? I'm freezing my tits off here.

Hi, I'm Lee.

It's a nice outfit.

Yeah, staff's idea.

It absolutely stinks and it itches like hell.

I'll be scratching my balls all day in this.

Need help with that belt? Hands off you.

Perg.

You, um... Have you been to the toilet?

If you mean properly, not since March.

Right. Shall we get going, then?

No, lass.

Just sit here in the car all day like a pair of doggers.

Actually, I've changed my mind.

I do need the toilet.

Wait yourself at home.

Where is everybody?

I'll meet, wife take the kid to the grandparents on Christmas morning. You

open the presents from them under their tree. Bit of a tradition.

That had better be true.

Sorry? Don't try any funny business, Sonny.

I might look old, but I'll have no problems fighting off a sex pest.

I'm assuming that this is a bad time to offer you a fudge finger.

It's fine, I'll be back any minute.

I'll have some of that sherry as well, if you're offering.

I thought you didn't drink.

Who told you that?

The staff?

They told me wife, yeah.

Well, they're liars then, aren't they?

I bet they told you I was a lovely street old man as well, who never uses

like pisshole and hairy anus.

I could be much nicer after I've had a drink, though.

Well, maybe later.

After dinner. You're not my mother, you know. My mother died in 1986.

Well, that's what she told you.

Well, at least put the telly on.

Christmas isn't Christmas without a bit of festive TV.

What do you want? We've got Countryfile, Songs of Praise.

Naked Attraction.

It's channel 163 on Sky, 145 on Virgin and 13 on Freeview.

I don't think they'd show that at this time of day.

Well, try on demand.

They did a Christmas special last night.

How do you do a Christmas special of naked attraction?

I don't know.

Bit of tinsel round the ball bag.

Well, at least turn it off when the kids get here.

If you get me a drink.

All right, one sherry.

There'd be no point in me doing naked attraction.

At my age, you'd see me bollocks before you saw me knees.

Can I ask you something?

What? You're not actually the real Father Christmas, are you?

Right, well, if you're all settled, I'll carry on preparing dinner.

And it'd better be turkey.

If you're vegans, I'm falling the police.

And I only want breast meat.

No bones.

Keep talking, I'm writing all this down.

I like the vegetables soft.

And no peas. I can't stand peas.

Also, make sure... ..and roast potatoes, not

boiled ones. And no lumps in the mash. And another thing... Otherwise,

it tastes bollocks.

Seriously, Wilfred, they will be back any minute, so I'll be grateful if you

turn that off.

Can you at least turn it down, then?

Wilfred?

Wilfred?

Not keeping you up, are we?

Somebody's keeping him up.

I'm not going to turn it down a bit, then, Wilfred.

Wilfred? You all right, Wilfred?

Wilfred?

Wilfred?

Wilfred!

Oh, God,

no pulse.

She pulls the left arm and the right arm.

Oh, he's in the neck.

Oh, nothing.

Oh, fingerprints. They're going to think I've strangled you.

Right.

What did Vinnie Jones say to do?

You know, in that advert, Wilfred.

Something about pushing your chest hard and fast and singing a Bee Gees song.

More than a woman.

Oh, that's not it.

Staying alive.

You can tell by the way I've used my walk. I've just cut to the chorus.

Stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Christmas. I promised them this year would be different, but now you've gone

died, you silly old bastard.

We're back.

Hello.

Where's Wilfred?

Gone for a sit down.

Where?

Gone to the toilet.

He could have just said that part, but thanks for specifying it's a sit down.

Where are you going?

Where does it look like I'm going? Open the door.

I like you for getting something.

Come here, you big bear.

Merry Christmas, Geoffrey. Good God.

Oh, Geoffrey, you're stiff.

Don't worry, I've had worse.

Right, why don't you guys sit yourself down and I'll bring you the food.

I've only just come through the door.

Well, I'm on a strict timetable.

Blame Nigella.

Can you just sit down, please?

Lucy.

Can I have a word for a minute? What?

Now where are you going?

Get a drink.

OK. Can't go in there. Chefs only.

You might ruin the surprise dish.

Why? What are we having?

Turkey.

What's the surprise element?

Did it consent to the whole thing and stuff itself?

I'm gone. I'll get it. My house.

So, er... What's your poison?

Well, you're cooking.

So let's go with salmonella.

Very good.

Don't worry, you're safe with me.

Red and white.

You know the red one is supposed to be breathing?

You're telling me.

Can you take them three, please?

Lucy, a word.

Is it life or death?

It's one of them.

It's Wilfred.

Is he all right?

He's not 100%, to be honest.

You didn't give him any alcohol, did you?

No.

Remember I said he doesn't drink?

Well, I just had a call from the care home, and it's not just that he doesn't

drink. He actually can't drink.

Oh, I'm sure he can if he really tries.

He's got a serious drinking problem.

The doctors put him on some type of medication where any alcohol at all

you ill.

How ill?

Enough to stop you ever having another drink?

I think he's done the trick.

What do you mean?

Nothing.

I mean, if Wilfred was on these tablets, then, you know, surely he wouldn't have

a drink in the first place.

Well, alcoholics will do anything to get a drink.

And perhaps he doesn't realise how ill they make you. He's literally just been

prescribed them.

They couldn't kill you, though, could they?

Of course they could.

Well, I presume not.

What?

Lee, you didn't give him a drink, did you?

Is that why he's in the toilet? Is he ill?

No.

Then what did you want to tell me?

When I said he was in the toilet, I meant he was on the toilet, in the care

home.

When I went round to collect him, they said he was ill, and they cancelled the

visit.

That's a shame.

Yeah.

So why didn't you just tell me that when I came in? I didn't want the kids to be

upset, did I? They were probably looking forward to meeting Father Christmas.

And I promised you that this year wasn't going to be another disaster.

Well, it's not your fault.

I'd hardly call it a disaster.

Thank you.

I'll go and tell the kids.

I mean, literally, haven't just farted.

Where are you going?

Let's get some Christmas nibbles.

Nigella's getting slack, isn't she?

Turkey flavour it.

Is Leo OK?

Yeah. He's just had a bit of a busy morning.

Doing what?

Drinking sherry and watching filth?

Look at the Christmas I'm going to ruin.

Why is it everyone else's version of a festive disaster is burning the roast

potatoes?

Oh, God.

The roast potatoes.

Merry Christmas.

Hello.

He fell off the chimney.

What's going on here, then?

Bloody online shopping.

I ordered a Christmas gnome. Didn't check the times properly.

It's my uncle Dave.

He's had one too many, so I thought I'd let him sleep it off out here.

Seems appropriate, you know, at Christmas.

Jesus in a stable.

Other Christmas in a shed.

This is Toby. I'm either on the golf course... my wife locked me in the

Please leave a message.

Get round to mine as soon as you get this. It's an emergency.

And do not knock on the front door.

You might as well be comfortable.

Something about your guest being ill?

Probably for the best.

If he's used to nursing home food, his palate couldn't cope with these

sophisticated quavers.

Lee, are you going to join us or what?

You all right?

Yes.

Just about to do a yuletide log.

Where are the kids?

They've not gone out, have they?

They're upstairs.

Call of duty.

They all needed the toilet at the same time.

Weaver? Not for me.

Never trust a chef who won't eat his own food.

You might be trying to kill us all.

I'm not.

Who the hell is that?

Oh, I'll get it.

Probably just Carol Fingers.

What, at the back door?

They probably don't want to be seen. Why?

Probably not declaring their earnings.

I told you not to knock.

You told me not to knock at the front door.

Which is why I knocked at the back door.

Sometimes your pedanticness can be very annoying.

The word is actually pedantry.

He said there was an emergency.

Someone died?

Oh, hello, Toby.

No.

Nobody.

Nobody what?

Nobody's died.

Why would someone have died?

Yeah, Toby, why would someone have died?

It was a joke.

A bit tasteless, mate. It's Christmas.

I wasn't expecting to see you on Christmas Day.

Well, Lee said there was an emergency.

Did he?

Yeah. What is it?

I'm struggling to get to grips with Nigella's sticky fudge bombs.

It's definitely a two -man job.

Two -man and one -woman job.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Anna. Where's Jack?

Oh, we were heading for Toby's parents, so we dropped him there first.

He wasn't keen on coming here.

Is he still upset about last year?

I didn't mean to break his arm.

So, what's this emergency?

Listening to Lee's message, I thought someone must have died. Can we all stop

saying died, please?

That's just about some silly dessert, apparently.

I'm so sorry, Anna.

No, don't apologise.

Anything to avoid heading for Toby's parents.

If you haven't met them, imagine Toby, and then imagine what could have caused

that.

Great. So, why don't you pour Anna a drink?

We've even got some nibbles.

What is it?

It's just turkey flavoured quavers.

Not the nibbles.

What's really going on? I meant to be with my mum and dad.

Follow me.

I'm going to show you something in the shed. Try not to be too shocked.

What? Don't worry, they're a doctor. You probably see this kind of thing all the

time. I really am shocked, given that I'm a gynaecologist.

Hello again.

You're not sure I asked you for something?

No, she doesn't like me vaping in the house.

She thinks it might kill her.

Seems to be a theme today, doesn't it?

This is Toby.

He's a doctor.

He's come to look at Uncle John.

I hope that's not a euphemism.

You said he was called Dave?

Yeah.

Dave.

Short for... John.

Now, break this off.

It's a stiff.

This is the most disturbing Santa's Grotto I have ever been in.

And I grew up in the 1970s.

Who is he?

Lucy told me to bring him round.

Well, you'll never bring him round now.

He's dead.

Oh, God.

Lee, can I ask you a question?

Go on. I mean, it may be none of my business, so forgive me if I'm being a

forward. Go for it.

Why the... Is there a dead Father Christmas in your garden shed?

He wasn't dead when I got him.

Well, I hope you kept the receipt.

Who is he, then?

His name's Wilfred, and he's from a care home, and we are looking after him for

the day.

And how's that going?

How did he die?

I don't know. You're the doctor. That's why I got you round here. You tell me.

I'm a gynecologist.

Do you want me to inspect him for thrush?

All I need to know is, did I kill him?

I don't know. Did you?

He's on some sort of medication for alcoholics.

Dipseldrome. You didn't give him alcohol, did you?

Well, I didn't know he was on them and he wanted a sherry, so I gave him one to

shut him up.

Well, it worked.

Oh, God, I did kill him!

Look, it would be a very extreme reaction to the drug, so it's extremely

unlikely. Oh, thank God.

But it's not completely out of the question, I guess.

Oh, what do you know, fanny man?

Well, you may have had an unusual reaction to it, which triggered

else. But don't worry, the coroner will find out.

Unless you tell the coroner that you've had a look and it's all sorted and it

had nothing to do with me.

I'm sorry?

I saw a film last week.

You can pronounce a myocardial infarction.

I can pronounce quinoa.

But it doesn't mean he died of it.

And even if I did lie, which I would never do, I can't pronounce cause of

I'm not a coroner. I'm a gynaecologist.

Sometimes you can be quite irritating.

You drag me away from my family on Christmas Day and ask me to perform post

-mortem pathology on someone you might have killed, and when I refuse to commit

medical malpractice, suddenly it's me that's irritating.

All right, we're as bad as each other.

I assume you called an ambulance.

Well, for God's sake.

I was trying to find out if it was my fault first. See what I was dealing

He's already dead. What does it matter?

Because you still need an ambulance.

What were you planning to do? Wait until after the bank holiday and hire a skip?

I do not want my family finding out about this. I cannot ruin another

What about his family?

He hasn't got any family. That's why we stepped up to give him a proper

Christmas. Well, congratulations. You have done a terrific job.

Yes, ambulance, please.

Shut the door!

Are you doing this deliberately?

different you know especially when i found that turkey flavoring for the

but oh no i had to find a mean rude decrepit old man with less than an hour

on the clock what did they say well i confirmed he was dead so it's not a top

priority they say they'll be here within the hour that means i've got time to

get rid of the others how many more are you planning to kill if i can get them

all out of the house they don't have to see him being taken.

Come with me.

Are you sure this wasn't an F &M thing that went wrong?

Well, this is all very enjoyable.

We've hardly seen Lee since we got here.

Like I said, very enjoyable.

I hope you don't mind me joining you.

But when you're married to a gynaecologist and he's the son of a

Christmas Day is no fun at all when they start talking shop.

Of course we don't. We're a guest down anyway after Wilfred cancelled.

Probably for the best.

Charity never works out.

I felt sorry for someone once, and now I'm here avoiding his parents.

How's that complicated pudding?

It's about the same as usual.

Does this mean you're finally joining us and we can start lunch?

Oh, no. I've still got lots to do. I've got that dessert to make.

Do you want my tip for special dessert?

Go on.

Always finish them off with a drop of sherry.

Lee's already done that, haven't you?

I was thinking, why don't you lot all go for a nice Christmas walk with the

kids? Now? Yeah.

Good to have a break between courses.

Kids!

Down here, now!

A walk would be lovely.

Great.

I can't wait that long. Why?

Look, the truth is... ..dinner is delayed.

I have really messed up my timings, and if I serve it up now, everything will be

really undercooked.

See, these roast potatoes are going to need a bit longer.

So, what about this walk?

Oh, that's a text message from Joanne next door.

Ignore it.

She says, Merry Christmas.

Oh, that's nice.

Is everything OK?

Hubby saw Lee drag Santa to shed.

What does she mean by that?

I don't know.

She's gone mad. We should move out.

That's odd.

I'll give her a call.

No! I know what she means, really. She's having a joke with you.

Because her husband saw me dragging an inflatable Santa to the shed.

You never mentioned that.

Well, I wanted it to be a surprise, didn't I, for the kids?

Because when Wilfred cancelled, I wanted to get a substitute from the attic.

Why would you do that?

It's just to make my mind work.

If you can't get the real thing... Go for an inflatable doll.

So why did you put it in the shed?

Because it's got a puncture. I didn't want the kids seeing a deflated Santa on

Christmas Day, which partly explains why I am so very stressed. And now dinner

is delayed, and I would really appreciate it if you lot would just help

by giving me a bit of space, because I want this Christmas to be perfect,

peaceful.

And calm.

Kids, down here, now!

Fine, come on.

Let's leave Gordon Ramsay to swear at the parsnip.

Would you both like to join us?

Well, sounds good.

I'd better stay and help Lee do something with the giblets and carcass.

Right, counsel.

I will phone you when I'm ready for you all to come back. Yes, hopefully by then

you'll have had time to carve the spam.

Oh, God.

Faria. Who?

I don't know.

Then why did you say they're here?

I don't know.

Wait!

Can you all go to the kitchen? There's something I need to talk to Lucy about.

I thought we were going for a walk.

Walk around the kitchen.

Except we weren't allowed in the kitchen. Get in the kitchen!

Wait!

There's something I need to tell you.

Oh, for God's sake.

Ho, ho, ho!

Happy Christmas, everyone!

Who the hell are you? I'm Jolly Old Stick.

Come to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

You're not Wilfred, are you?

That's right.

Hope I'm not too late for dinner.

Of course you're not.

The potatoes are barely incinerated yet.

Hello, I'm Pauline from the care home.

I hope you don't mind, but... Since no -one came to collect him this morning,

thought we'd bring him to you instead.

No -one came to collect him?

No need to deliver anything nowadays.

I think there's some sort of mix -up here, because I did go and collect him,

I was told that he was unwell.

Who told you that?

It wasn't Maureen, was it? Yeah, it's Maureen.

She's one of the residents.

Gets confused better.

Bloody Maureen, what's she like?

Actually, it can't have been Maureen.

Because she got picked up yesterday by her family.

Not Maureen.

Cool. Terrible with names.

It was another woman called... But it was Brian.

Brian. She was called Brian.

Well, you're here now, Wilfred, and you're more than welcome.

So if that is Wilfred, who is currently remaking Weekend at Bernie's in your

garden shed, I have absolutely no idea.

You haven't killed the real Santa Claus, have you?

I haven't killed anybody.

If that's not the real Wilfred in the shed, that means he wasn't on the

medication. So I've done nothing wrong.

Unless you count abducting a stranger and concealing his body in your shed.

Who hasn't done that?

An ambulance is still going to come.

Now, you do know that this young man is not to have any alcohol, right?

Yes, we know.

Right, I must dash.

We've got a bit of an emergency on, I'm afraid. One of our residents went

missing a couple of hours ago.

Gone missing?

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I hope you find him. Or her. I wouldn't know.

Might be neither.

Might be LGBT OAP.

I think they'll be OK.

I know at that age they can be on, you know, all sorts of medication and they

can have...

Allergies to things? Anything like that?

No medication, no allergies.

Oh, that's good.

But he does have a very weak heart.

Which would just be one of those things. It wouldn't be anyone's fault.

Pardon?

Anything we can do to help?

Well, thanks for the offer, but... Yeah, it's not like a missing cat, I'm

afraid. Can't very well ask people to check their garden sheds.

Lovely to meet you. And thanks for dropping off Wilfred. We will take good

of him. Merry Christmas.

Yep.

Right, let's go for that walk, fella. Up you get. Lee, he's only just sat down.

My legs aren't great for walking.

They probably just need a bit of a stretch.

Up you get. I'll knock you. Lee.

What the hell is going on?

I just thought a breath of fresh air would do him good. I'm not talking about

the walk. I mean you not picking up Wilfred.

Is it because you didn't want to have him here, so you pretended he was ill?

Yeah. Sorry.

But he's here now, so let's just enjoy the day, starting with a nice long walk.

Look who's here, everybody.

Say hello to Father Christmas.

Hello, Father Christmas.

Where are the kids?

They got bored waiting, so Geoffrey's taken them to your shed to see if they

fix the inflatable Santa.

I wouldn't let the youngsters see inside that shed if I were you.

Oh, don't worry. They know all about the state he's in.

Nothing that a spot of rubber glue and vigorous application of a bicycle pump

won't fix.

They make them look very realistic, though, these days, don't they?

Santa doesn't like it.

Who is he?

Well, I assume this is Wilfred.

Yes.

So he did come round?

Yeah, but he was very drunk, so I'm letting him sleep it off in here.

I even tied him to the chair so he wouldn't fall off.

So why lie to Lucy?

I didn't want to ruin her Christmas.

Why not?

It's become an annual tradition.

Well, he doesn't look at all well to me.

Oh, no, he's fine. That's why I got Toby round to check on him and he said he's

going to be absolutely fine.

So why did you let him get drunk to begin with?

I didn't.

He was already like that when I picked him up.

At first I thought he was just confused. You know what pensioners are like?

Not all of them.

And when you realised he was drunk?

Well, I was livid. I knew how disappointed Lucy would be.

In fact...

Yes? Give me a minute.

In fact, I was so angry, I phoned that care home and I said, you send me

Wilfred Brown Deer straight away.

And luckily, they did.

So, when you go back in the house, you're actually going to meet another

who Lucy thinks is the original.

They had a... a spare?

Obviously,

that's not his real name. He's just...

Happy to pretend that he's this Wilfred because I didn't want to upset Lucy.

So, kids... ..don't tell Mum what you saw today in the shed. I know that's

something a bad parent would normally say, but today it's fine, OK?

Agreed? OK, Dad.

We won't.

I know you won't say anything, Charlie. You haven't spoken for the last 12

months.

Right, kids, let's get everyone out on that walk so your father can put this

inebriate... Into a minicab. Well done, Lee. You did the right thing.

I suppose it had to happen one day.

Put this fake beard on and we'll swap places.

You can go to the care home and I'll move in with your charming wife.

I would never forgive myself if I did that to you.

Let's keep all up. was on the table at this point.

Oh, the kids will be so excited to meet you, Wilfred.

Oh, here they come now.

Kids, look who it is.

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas.

Are we allowed to mention this one? Yes.

Right, come on. Are we all going on this walk or what? Oh, Wilfred's already

said he's not really up for walking.

I know.

I'll get the wheelchair from when I broke my leg. You can push him round in

garage.

Very Merry Christmas to you, sir.

You did a wonderful thing today.

Oh, it was nothing.

Seeing the look on their little faces.

Geoffrey. Nice to meet you, Wilfred.

Nice to meet you too, Geoffrey.

My name is actually Geoffrey.

Yes, you said.

Seriously, though, stepping in at the last minute to make up for your

intemperate friend is a wonderful, wonderful gesture.

I had no idea what you're talking about.

Ever the modest hero?

You're full of Christmas spirit, I can give you that. I wish I was. I'm not

allowed. Well, you are in this house. I couldn't, Geoffrey, no.

You mean Wilfred couldn't?

I am Wilfred. Of course you are.

Is he okay?

Yeah, yeah. He just gets a bit confused, bless him.

Yeah, he spends most of the time thinking I'm trying to ruin his

life.

I know there are vacancies at the care home, if it's something you'd ever

consider. Are we allowed to visit?

Yes, of course. Well, what would be the point?

Right, let's go on this walk, shall we?

There's some old wine.

Oh, lovely.

We haven't got time for that.

Really? Mum's just made those.

I'm sure one quick drink won't kill anyone.

OK, but can you make it quick, please?

Yeah, Lee's got to sort out his cold mates.

Oh, Lee, go and get a foot rest.

It's an alcohol -free version in the smaller saucepan for you kids and Santa.

I'm sure Santa would prefer the stronger stuff.

Oh, Wilfred doesn't drink, Dad. That's right. No alcohol for me, not a drop.

on medication.

Yes. Well, we can't have Wilfred getting ill, can we?

No, that's the alcohol -free one for Santa.

I know. I'll give it to him.

Ah, there you go, sir.

That'll put hairs on your chest. Thank you.

What's your name, by the way?

It's still Wilfred.

Well, your real name.

You know, care homes are like five -star hotels nowadays.

What's in this?

Oh, just something to pry your sleigh.

The day a man can't have a proper drink is the day he dies.

I'm not allowed alcohol.

Oh, good God, it's like being with Daniel Day -Lewis.

What have you done?

I've given him a proper drink. It's Christmas.

Oh, God, we've killed two of them.

Are you all right, Wilfred?

Someone call 999.

All right, old chap, not too much. You're upsetting the kids.

Dad! Ambulance, please.

Bloody hell. Oh, that was quick.

Is this him? Yes. I thought he'd been pronounced dead by a doctor.

What? What does he know? He's just a gynaecologist.

He's on a dipsel drum and he's had alcohol.

I'm going to make him sick.

Grab a bucket.

Stop it!

That will count whether I'm appalled or whether he deserves an Oscar.

Where's Lucy with that bucket?

She doesn't need a bucket. She needs a new rug.

He's going to be OK.

Oh, thank God.

Happy birthday, sweet baby Jesus.

Mummy couldn't find a bucket in the kitchen, so she's gone to look in the

for one.

There's a missing old man in my shed.

He's dead.

He's dressed as Santa, and I've tied him to a camping chair with a garden hose.

If you find bruises on his body, it's just because I dragged him up the

Other than that, the body hasn't been tampered with, apart from when my

put their chocolatey fingers in his mouth.

My neighbours saw everything, and I will not be taking any further questions

until I have a lawyer present.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Welcoming new faces and saying goodbye to old friends. The final ever episode

Ghosts, tomorrow night at quarter to eight. The festive fun doesn't end

though. We're off round to...

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