Original subtitles

Yeah, not going out, not staying in, hanging around with my head in a spin,

but there is no need to scream and shout.

Zombies are supposed to be slow. But they run around in Resident Evil

Apocalypse. Actually, they weren't zombies.

They were mutations.

CBeebies is getting a bit edgy, isn't it?

Years of misusing that arm.

I told you it would grow too strong and fall off.

I don't know why we're trick -or -treating anyway.

We're teaching the kids to be Americans.

No, we're not.

You finished building the wall yet, Donald?

Make Halloween great again.

Don't worry.

Next week it's back to more sensible British traditions, where we celebrate a

400 -year -old terrorist conspiracy by setting fire to a scarecrow.

Nice. Sorry, I'm a bit gassy.

What exactly did you put in that pumpkin and sprout pie?

I think there were some clues in the name.

This house is so spooky.

Perhaps we could have stayed on our street.

It's so middle class on our street. People keep on giving us fruit.

Well, hang on. You know the rules. We only do trick -or -treat and have

Halloween decorations.

But there are cobwebs and candles.

And there's a black cat.

And there's a spooky Halloween message on the door.

I don't think there's a Halloween decoration.

You mean there's a real life witch in there?

Of course not.

It's Halloween.

She'll be out working.

Yeah, I know what she did to the last lot of people that knocked.

What?

What?

Come on, we're going.

I thought you said something's coming right.

Yeah, well this is a high -speed stagger.

Scary treats.

Limey lollipop. Spooky eyeballs.

Morbid obesity.

Oh, take a photo with them, Lee. To remember what they look like.

What with teeth.

Where's my phone?

You had it at that spooky house.

I told you not to cut holes in your pocket.

I was getting into character.

Lee, you're playing a brain -dead zombie.

You were born for this.

I probably just dropped it when we came in now. Let me ring it from your phone.

Quiet, everyone.

I'm sure you wouldn't miss a Scooby -Doo ringtone.

He bought it off IT for £6 .99.

Did you pay £6 .99 for a Scooby -Doo ringtone?

And I would have got away with it too if it wasn't for those pesky kids.

Hello?

Hello?

The line's gone dead.

Must have been the owner of that house.

Either that or Siri's had a very tough day.

Well, good.

You know where your phone is.

Exactly.

Mystery solved.

That's a cup of tea.

Well, aren't you going to go and get it?

What, now?

Yeah.

You're not scared, are you?

No.

Well, go on, then.

I was thinking of upgrading anyway.

What, to a backbone?

Just go and get it.

You're right.

It's no big deal.

Leave a trail of breadcrumbs, Daddy, so you can find your way back.

It's me.

I've come back.

Not from the dead. From me house.

We spoke earlier on the phone.

Well, I spoke. You sort of screeched.

Well,

you're obviously busy.

Perhaps I'll pop back tomorrow.

When the sun's up.

Excuse me.

That's my phone.

Hello?

Don't worry, I'm just going to try and get my phone.

Nothing to worry about.

I'm armed.

I'm only joking.

I'm fully armed.

I'm not armed.

It's a replica.

Knock them.

What I mean is no one's going to get hurt.

That's the amazing thing about us humans.

No matter how you drop us, we always end up landing on our arses.

What's that phone?

So this is where the Addams family hold their weight.

Sure, keep your windows locked. We wouldn't want burglars stealing your

priceless collection of anti -shit.

nice police woman.

I thought it was more of those silly trick -or -treaters. Come on, Monty,

go down and say hello.

And I must get this door fixed.

Oh, Monty. Oh, I'm glad I found you.

I've been looking for you all over.

Hello, Mrs Hoskins. How are you?

I'm fine, dear.

Now, I've done what you said.

I haven't answered the door to any trick or treat.

Well, good.

I had one family come earlier.

Mum and kids seemed okay, but the dad looks, don't you?

There's been a lot of burglaries in this area, and I don't want you to be next.

I'd better lock that dining room window.

otherwise he doesn't come back for days.

I'll get him. You shouldn't be running around in your condition.

No, I'll get him.

I'm not dead yet, you know.

He's going to fool me.

There you are.

I heard a noise.

It must have been that bedpan toppling off the wardrobe. I must have dislodged

it when I was closing my doors.

Honestly, everything's fine.

Every window and door in the house is locked. Nobody can get in. And nobody

get out.

And nobody's got a spare key except Monty.

Right.

Here's a key for the panic alarm.

I'll put them in my pocket. Yes, you can't be too careful.

We've had reports of burglars dressing up in Halloween costumes to trick

And we don't want any unnecessary stress on that heart.

You've only just had the operation.

Yes, I know. A doctor already told me one tiny little shock and I could drop

down dead.

OK, well...

Lock the front door when I've gone. And no watching any Halloween horror films.

No, no monsters for me.

Oh, dear.

Oh, sorry.

Something like that, I'll tell you.

Hi,

Frank.

Grandad Frank, you're too awful, chick or tree.

Oh, so you don't want these stuffies, then.

Actually, Frank, we've had enough sweets for one day.

Give over.

There's no such thing as E -numbers since Brexit.

What are you dressed as?

Well, I'm 200 years old and I sleep in a coffin.

And I'll give you a clue, it's not your grandad Geoffrey.

Where's Lee? I rang his mobile before, but there was no answer.

He went looking for his phone, but he's been gone ages.

A bit worried.

Is it not insured?

Worried about Lee?

Oh, is he not insured?

He went to that old house on the corner of Elm Street. Can you go and look for

him? Of course. I need to finally anyway.

It's pie and monster mash night down at the Queen's and I can't go on my own.

Why not?

I'm skint.

It's all scary films tonight.

Oh, now, what's this? The Shining. Oh, now, that sounds nice.

Oh, it's set in a hotel.

Would we like the exotic marigold? Oh, don't we want it here?

Happy Halloween.

And what better way of celebrating than scaring an old woman to death?

And how you feel, mate?

Does she ever open any of these doors?

Yes, she does.

When you go out, she comes after you.

Come on, Monty. Out you go.

Come on.

You scratched my back.

Come on, let's make a good one.

Give it a close -up. Come on, come on. Now, however confusing this seems, start

trying to get back in again.

Get off!

I hate spiders.

Horrible little bloodsuckers.

I think this might be too much for me heart, Monty.

Monty?

Monty?

How on earth did you get back outside, you silly puss?

Monty? Come to mummy, come on.

Monty, don't do it.

Who needs a phone in prison anyway?

And it's an iPhone Plus. They're not quite as easy to smuggle in the

way.

Dad?

Lee?

What the hell's going on?

There was no answer, so I just walked in. You just walked into a stranger's

house. Why? How did you get in?

Climbed through the window.

Which is much more acceptable etiquette.

Oh,

great.

What's going on?

I accidentally got locked in this house and now I'm trying to get out.

Well, why don't you just explain that to the owner?

I was going to, but I was scared.

What do you think she was going to do?

Have she to open a difficult jam jar?

Monty, there you are, making that terrible screaming noise.

It's enough to wake the dead.

This is ridiculous.

I'm going to tell her what's happened and tell her to let us out.

You can't. A policewoman came round earlier and warned her about burglars in

area dressed in Halloween costumes.

Oh, great.

They're going to take one look at my record and bang me up.

Well, I'm not going to prison, especially at the benefit of actually

nicked anything.

Oh, don't worry, Dad.

You won't be getting done for theft.

It'll be murder.

We can't just kill her.

I mean, she's just had major heart surgery.

The shock of seeing us might finish her off.

There must be some way out of this house. The whole place is locked up, and

keys are in her pocket.

Let's wait until she's fallen asleep, then nab it out of her pocket.

That might not be for hours.

We need to find a spare key.

She said Monty had one.

Who's Monty? The cat.

The cat's got a spare key.

Does it also wear a straw border and taunt officer Dibble? I'm just telling

what she said.

Where the hell's the cat keeping a key?

Because if it's where I'm thinking it is, that's more like a detail holder.

There must be another key somewhere, and I'm going to find it.

Stay here.

Don't.

Time for a quick Halloween game of bobbing for keys.

There's a lot of gold. There's got to be a sparky somewhere.

Want a sparky?

Eat that dumb as a brain, Dad.

Check it straight.

What's happened?

You know, you said don't kill her.

Yeah. I think I've killed her.

What do you mean, killed her?

I mean... Why are we whispering?

I've murdered the old bat.

What did you do that for?

I was just trying to get in the spirit of Halloween.

I didn't do it on purpose.

Oh, God!

Don't answer it.

The alarm went off. If we don't answer it, they'll send the police.

Hello? Is that Mrs Hoskins?

Aye. This is the alarm monitoring service, Mrs Hoskins. We see you've

your panic alarm.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yes, fine, fine.

I pressed it by mistake.

Why Scottish?

Oh, yes, yes. Sorry to have troubled you.

That's what we're here for.

If you'll just give me the password, I can reset the system and leave you in

peace.

The what?

The password that you set up with us for security.

The password, right.

Do you have it?

Oh, I do, I don't, do you?

Worry your head about that, do you?

We have to confirm that you're Mrs Hoskins.

Well, I can confirm that.

Very old, grey hair, white dress.

That's me.

So if you could just give me the password?

Why don't you tell me?

What? Well, how do I know who you are?

You'll be after my credit card details next.

So why don't you tell me the password and I'll see if you're right or wrong.

I'm sorry, Mrs Hoskins, but I do have to confirm your password or send the

police round.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'll tell you the password.

Great.

Right. How many chances do I get?

Please just give me the password now.

Is it television?

No, it isn't television.

Good, good, you passed the test.

Thank you.

Mrs Hoskins, this is your last chance.

There's a terrible lion, I can hardly hear you. If you don't give me the

password right now, I'm phoning the police.

Is it cat?

Monty! Monty! My final answer!

That's the one.

Thank you, Mrs Hoskins. Have a peaceful evening.

Oh, thank God. I thought I was losing my marbles. Good night.

Well done, son. That's a relief.

Yeah. Thank God we've only got this old woman's corpse to worry about.

You can't blame me for that.

I mean, it's sad, but you said yourself she's very old and she had an heart

condition. Yeah.

Being woken suddenly on Halloween with a panic alarm and finding the Prince of

Darkness looming over you probably had nothing to do with it.

Oh, bloody hell, what have we done?

Please forgive me.

Oh, forgive him. It was mainly his fault.

I think it's time to start whispering again.

Looks like I won't need this.

Shame, I nicked it especially.

Well, it might come in handy if anyone's at home.

At least I found these.

We don't need them.

I found a spare key.

And guess what? I didn't need to set off a panic alarm or almost scour an old

lady to death to get it. Come on, let's go.

What, and just leave her here?

You're right.

Let's take her home with us on the bus as a souvenir of a lovely evening.

We need to make sure she's OK, Dad.

She's got a serious medical condition and she's just had a nasty shock.

Yeah, and if we bring her home, she's going to have another one.

Of course, help would have been here right now if Mrs Doubtfire hadn't stood

down the alarm people.

All right, what about this?

We'll phone an ambulance anonymously and then we'll wait outside and check that

she's safe.

OK.

I'm going to go with a Chinese accent.

It's weird.

There's no dial tone.

It was working all right a minute ago.

We'll just have to find a phone box.

What, call an ambulance from there?

No, I mean leave her in there with a note pinned to her 90.

Yes, call an ambulance from there.

That cat's got big feet.

Its claws are pretty sharp too.

Phone cable's been cut.

Maybe the old woman didn't pay her bill.

I don't think BT send a man round with a Stanley knife.

They're robbing her.

We bumped it down 999 anyway.

We'll just ask for two emergency services.

The ambulance and the police.

We have to do more than that, Dad.

What? Flood the basement and call the Coast Guard as well.

I mean, we have to go in there and rescue her.

They might hurt her.

You're right.

Good luck.

You've got me skinned.

It's all crack.

It's nothing worth nicking.

Speak for yourself, mate.

Have you found an iPhone Plus?

Let's just get her out of this house safely.

Just like the police deal with the rest of it.

We're going to have to wake her up again.

Not with that!

We're trying to get her out of here quietly.

Don't worry, Mrs. Hoskins.

There's nothing to be frightened of.

Well, there is.

Quite a lot, actually.

Virgin, it won't bite my neck.

Oh, my dear.

What if she screams again?

Don't worry.

We'll just explain to her that she needs to follow us. Otherwise, she might get

caught on the head.

Let me do the talking.

You won't need that.

I'm telling you, the place is empty.

Let's be safe.

And this crowbar is brand new.

I need to break it in.

Oh, hello.

It's the ghost before a hood.

Come on, Grandma.

Tell us where you keep the cash and I might not hurt you.

Hello?

Oh, you're not dead, are you?

Who the hell are you?

The undead. I can soon change that.

I think we need to form that ambulance.

You're damn right you do.

Trick or treat, you thieving little cunt.

Wait here quietly till the police arrive.

That's good, isn't it?

Look, I'm really sorry about our stupid behaviour, officer.

You could have given me a heart attack.

Don't worry.

We believe your story.

But you did technically commit a crime against Mrs Hoskins.

She did technically whack me over the head with a crowbar.

I didn't get to hit that one, though.

That's easily solved.

Can I also point out we did catch the real burglars? The real burglars that

let into the house.

They were going to break in anyway? They might not have succeeded.

Of course they would.

All they need to do is wedge the crowbar against the striped plate and then

leave her out... It is true that we've been eager to speak to those gentlemen

for some time now.

And so, after discussing the matter with Mrs Hoskins, we've decided we're in no

hurry to press charges against you at this time.

You're free to leave.

Oh, thank you.

That's good.

Maybe next year you should leave the dressing up to the little ones.

And I don't mean your dad.

Come on, Dad.

Let's go.

What?

Am I the only one with a sense of humour?

For more things that go bump in the night, head over to BBC iPlayer, where

Paranormal Activity is streaming now.

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