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I remember the first night I got paid real money

I worked at a place inMinniapolis called "The AcmeComedy Club,"

um, run by a guy named Louis Lee

and it was a club I've worked at a lot

and it was always, like,half-full, you know,

and you pour your heart into these shows,

and then they give you like, 800 buck-- maybe a 1,000,

and then you go onto the next place.

It's a sad life, you know?

But this one week I sold the place out-- I packed every show--

and I had never really done that before,

and at the end of the week,Louis handed me an envelope

with $10,000 in it.

And he said, "This is yours."

And I said, "Why are you giving me this?"

And he said, "It's your money. You brought the people in.

This is where you're at now.

You, this is how much you should be making a week."

And he gave that to me and Ijust started crying like a baby.

'Cause I got $10,000 for telling jokes, you know?

Emcee: Acme has a podcast. We encourage you to check out called "No Laugh Track."

It's available on Pod being in its interviews

with all the headliners

including the fantastic one we have for you this evening

he was a writer/producer of"Freaks and Geeks,"

and one of the founders of"Mystery Science Theater 3000,"

Please put your hands togetherfor Josh Weinstein.

Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Weinstein.

Josh Weinstein: So hopefully you put together that this is "Acme Comedy Co."

That's me onstage with the unfortunate hair.

Thank you very much.

Josh: I've been headlining here for over 20 years

and while I've never literallycried with joy

over my paycheck like some people,

it's still my favroite place in the world to do standup.

I don't know if there are, like,spirits that haunt this room,

but if there are they love comedy

because this room is just always electric.

You never really know how lucky you are to start at Acme

until you go on the road and everybody's like,

"How the fuck do you get to play Acme?"

It's just a special place.

We opened in November 1991.

I come from, you know, the clubs out of business,

mostly, you know, from the '80s to the mid '90s.

I've seen comic suffer through a lot.

I mean, it was a shame, you know, how people run clubs.

And when I see how bitter the comics were

and I feel like somebody got to do something about it

and make the whole comedy experience

much better for the performer.

The whole week when I first worked it,

I could not believe what was happening at these shows.

Like, I was like, "Why isn't every show like this everywhere?"

He has spent all this time

kind of shaping and molding his crowd how he wants them.

There's not that many clubs that have comedy audiences.

Because Louis has trained them to do that,

they come here to hear ideas.

They come here to hear somethingthat they're like,

"Oh my God. I haven't heard that before."

You do shit-- hack stuff--

the laughs go down, you can hear it.

People are like, "Nah, this is easier."

I call myself "business man."

If I wanna make money,

I'd better make sure I have a good product.

But if the person's who performare bitter about it,

the audience will know.

Man: Wendy Liebman's over.

Or Bobcat.

Louise Lee: If I book YZY the first week of March

is he or she is not gonna burn another press

for the following couple weeks.

Or the couple weeks before that.

Both of them are far enough, you know, two weeks after Jake.

And Jake's been here every year for awhile.

- Mm-hmm. - So...

I think that we'll go Liebman first and then Bobcat second.

Yeah, I think it's good.

Great.

He actually loves comedy.

Imagine that, somebody in comedy that actually loves comics.

Tom: Do you think is an Acme brand of comedy at this point?

No, I don't think so.

That's a brand of the comiccreate himself.

Just remember one thing.

Comedy is not a factory.

Comedy is all about the indidual, who they are,

how they discovered themselves, have the voice,

and communicate with the mass.

And, Acme is, hopefully,

I want it to be a good inspiration

for all this artists.

He's a fucking Chinese guy.

It doesn't make any sense.

Josh: So not long ago, said "FuckingChinese guy" tells me

he's planning something I mightbe interested in as a filmmaker.

He was putting together the first ever Acme comedy tour,

which frankly, didn't seem that interesting to me

until he told me where he'd be taking that tour.

Tom: So what were your thoughts when Louis said,

"Hey Chad, I want go take you to Asia"?

Immediately I thought, I'm in.

I got the call from my agent and he goes,

"Hey, Louis is doing this tour to Asia,

um, you're not his first choice,

but the other guy backed out.

Do you wanna do it?" I was like,

"First of all, I didn't need to know that,

like, you coulda just given me the offer.

Didn't need to know that somebody turned it down--

I don't know why you just mentioned that--

but, yes, I would love to go as a second choice."

I remember I was in a hotel roomin De Moines, Iowa,

and I think I ran around the hotel room like,

"Oh my God! I'm going to China. This is crazy."

Like, this is crazy. I'm going to--

like, the Lee's are going to China.

First time going on the roadwith comics for a week.

[Asian rap music playing]

Josh: This is Hong Kong.

Officially, it's part of China,

but you won't find a more capitalist place on the planet.

It's one of the world's mostdensily populated cities.

There's over seven millionpeople here,

almost all of them seeminglyworking their asses off

all the time.

As a global hub for both trade and finance,

people come here to work from all over the world.

Bankers, brokers, manufactures,English teachers,

and recently, the occasional comedian.

- Tommy. - [speaking Chinese]

[laughs]

Where did you learn that from?

I wanted to have something to say to you.

- How are you, man? - That was pretty good.

- Was that right? - Yeah.

The decision to come here

really had nothing to do with performing.

I just wanted to see Hong Kong and Singapore.

- So, I call AT&T... - Yeah.

...before I get-- before I leave and I go,

"Hey, I'm going to Hong Kong and then to Singapore.

I want to have some plan just in case I use my phone,

do I need separate plans

for Hong Kong and for Singapore?"

And the AT&T lady goes,

"No, they're both in Japan, so you're fine."

[laughs] Oh my God.

- Oh. - And I was like,

"What do you mean?"

And she goes, "Oh, I'm not really good at geography.

Is that wrong?" And I was like, "Yeah.

Not both-- their not both in Japan."

Hello.

- Mr. Daniels, how're you doing? - How are you? Good.

I figured, like, he's-- you know, grew up here,

if he asked me to do it, he must've had a reason.

So if I was gonna be the jackass

that doesn't get a laugh the whole week,

then that's it.

Do we know anything about Pete?

Is he okay? Is he here?

Well, he's find out if he checked in right now.

Hello? 'Herro.'

- 'Herro,' I can't hear... - He's doing himself.

Can you guys pack up and leave?

We don't like Caucasian have a Chinese name here.

We'll talk about who's gonna go first, second, third.

Each show I would say draw,

unless you guys want to fight it over.

- I don't care either. - I definitely don't care so.

We might have to send wonder boyto the back of the line

so he can clean up our mess.

He's so likeable.

Plus, he walks on stage like, "Finally. One of us."

And then he gets up there like,

- "God damnit." - Disappointment, yeah.

- Oh, look who it is. - Ha, ha, ha.

What time did you guys get in?

Chad: We got in at 'sick' o'clock.

Six-- 'sick' o'clock.

So I went to the doctor in New York

because I was concerned about sleeping on this trip.

I already have sleep apnea.

I travel with the machine.

Sleep is the worst for me.

So I got a prescription for Ambien,

uh, and my doctor said-- I go,

"Should I do a test of this, you know, before we leave?"

And she goes, "No, you should stay up

and then just it on the plane

at around the time you would sleep in Hong Kong

so you're on the right schedule."

I go, "Should I take a half of one?"

And she's like, "Take a whole one."

She's like, "I-- because I tooka whole one on a flight,

and it did nothing to me."

So, um, I took a whole one.

And I-- I freaked the fuck out.

Like, I thought she was a wolf.

I thought the stewardess was a wolf-faced woman.

The walls were talking to me.

Like, I-- I took a whole pill. I should've taken

- like a quarter. - Wait. Did you get restrained?

- No, no, no, because she was there. Jamie: Almost.

I had just fallen asleep,

and then I wake up, and he's staring at me.

And I was like, what's going on? And then like...

You were scared of a sleeping wolf?

- [Pete laughs hysterically] - All you have to do is pet her

instead of getting all weird about it.

- By the way, I'm gonna hug you. - Yes, let's.

Chad: Pete and I have been friends for so long,

and to get to work with him a week in Asia touring around,

I feel like a fucking rock star.

- Hey, we're hugging, too. - All right, let's do it.

All right, listen. Sorry, sorry.

Tom: I met Pete at the hotel.

Uh, I'd never met either guy before.

I was super suspect of Petebecause he was nice, and, like,

I was like, I'm al-- whenever I meet, like, a-- like,

"Hey, how's it going?" person, I'm like,

"All right, like, what's up with you?"

So are you guys feelingjetlagged, or are you feeling insane right now?

ooSod? a g

re you guys So are you guys feelingjetlagged, or are you feeling insane right now?

I'm not beyond normal tired.

Nobody looks like wolves if that's what you meant.

Pete: I need food.

[Asian rap music playing]

I'm gonna climb and have a fight...

I mean, I feel like I can climb up here.

Pete: Oh my God, are you kidding me?

Oh, ha, ha, ha.

Segura!

Nothing about this looks like it's gonna collapse,like, right now.

Can we climb up there and get pictures?

You wanna get pictures on that dragon?

- You wanna go up there? - Well, I mean, like,

- tourist pictures. I'm being serious. - Sure.

But right after the picture with the dragon,

we're gonna find food, right?

Do you think we'll go to jailfor doing this?

Uh, I have no idea.

- I don't want to go up there. - I do.

I just want to stand right here.

I wanna go up here, and you take a picture on the dragon.

- I want to ride the dragon. - You want to get on the dragon?

- Kinda. - I'll take a picture of you.

Well, do you guys just want to stand up here and take a picture?

Yeah. That's what I want.

Like we like each other? Okay.

I feel like food is everywhere,

and we should be able to find it.

[man speaking native language]

[speaking native language]

Louis: I grow up in Hong Kong.

My father worked for my grandfather and have eight kids.

And my grandparents, my father,

uh, generation and all the kids

all live in a four-bedroom apartment.

- [speaking native language] - Standup comedy.

Yeah, standup comedy. [speaking native language]

Louis: My parents, they weren't rich at all,

and all they can do is save up enough money

to send a couple kids overseasto get a college education.

And when it come to me, I'm fifth of the family.

They were thinking, okay,

I don't think we should invest in Louis, which I don't blame 'em.

You know, to them I wasn't that good in school,

and I start dating too early.

I wasn't like my brothers who are engineer,

uh, dental school, and all that stuff.

And I'm gonna be in the lower middle income the rest of my life.

That's what I believe in.

So in 1976, my mother-- sister,

who live in Chicago who married an American,

uh, decided,

hey, why don't you immigrateover the United States?

And that's when my parents qualified

to move over to US, and then, uh,

all the kids who was under 21 moved to US.

And kind of saved my life--

and saved my education process

from Hong Kong dead end

to United States.

Jami Gong: Nice to meet you guys.

Welcome to Hong Kong, and welcome to our club.

- Thank you. - So we're gonna have so much fun.

Should we do the meeting? Where's Louis?

A few years ago when I came herefor vacation with my family,

I decided meet up with Jami, and then went to visit his club.

And we have a good talk.

Him being Chinese, me being Chinese,

we're probably the only Chinese comedy club owners in the world.

- You said you went to Syracuse, right? - I went to Syracuse.

- But where did you grow up? - New York City.

Uh, just raised in Chinatown,

running around with my other five siblings.

There's six of us, so I'm number three.

And growing up in New York City,I always loved to laugh

and everything, uh, just growing up with the "Tonight Show."

Okay, so a couple things.

Just this week, um, like I mentioned earlier,

it's gonna be a fun, fun week. I mean, jetlag's a bitch.

We know. So, um, tomorrow you're in Singapore.

So you guys have your itinerary.

Umar-- you're-- you guys are landing different times.

So Umar, who's running Comedy Masala, will meet you.

If not, we'll send someone to meet at airport.

When I did South Africa and when I did Australia,

we would land, and they're like,

"Your first show is in four days.

Like, these first few days

are just for you to get used to being here."

Not this fucking Louis Lee trip, uh, uh.

It was land and they're like,

"So tomorrow's show," and you're like, "Excuse me?"

And then it was like, "the next day, we're gonna get on another plane.

And you're gonna fly three-and-a-half-hours to another country.

Singapore.

Behave. You know.

It's got its reputation. No gum.

Singapore, you don't want to mess around in Singapore so.

- No, they don't play around. - They don't play around.

Then early morning, you guys coming back here Thursday.

Then I'll be at Champs Thursday by 6:00.

Then big crowd Thursday, Friday,and Saturday then Macau.

They have no idea about Macau,

so we're gonna have fun in Macau.

To be clear, these shows are in English, right?

- Yes. - All of 'em?

- Yes. Yes. Yes. - Okay, cool.

But if you-- will you speak another language?

I'm pretty good at Cantonese,

but I'm just wanting to make sure.

The show stuff I had like so much anxiety about

when we were starting the week off.

I just didn't know what the shows would be like.

Like, I didn't know if it was going to be

these huge cultural differences,huge language difference.

I was so happy to find out that I was going to China

that I didn't even consider the fact that I mightnot be funny over here.

I tell this to every comic first time I'm meeting them--

this is my first time meeting them--

and again, I'm freaking excited to meet you guys.

You won't believe how much fun we're gonna havethis week, all right?

And Everyone so.

No offense, you're gonna have fun in Hong Kong.

You're gonna have fun in Singapore,

- but I need you guys to kill. - Yeah.

That's all I need you to do. That's all I need you to do.

I don't know you. Louis Lee brings you over. I know Louis Lee, right?

Take no offense.

I just need you to kill,

'cause I'll be honest with you.

This is not an ordinary road trip

where you can go to South Dakota, North Carolina

and Florida on a little tour in the States.

This is not an ordinary road trip.

This is-- the people you meet, they are well-off.

They have connections here.

You're gonna meet so many people.

So if you've got business cards,

you gon-- at the end, give it to people.

A big thing in Hong Kong and in Asia,

if you don't know, is all relationships.

And you have a business card,

if Louis didn't tell you guys this--

- Louis didn't tell us shit. - Louis: I didn't.

If you are gonna give-- if you are gonna give out a business card

Chad, to anybody here,especially around the world,

- two hands. - Oh, okay.

I'll give you a little tip.

Do you have a-- here. Here's my card.

You need to do this.

Okay, let me put this down. Let me put this stuff down.

Let's say I first met you,

right, I'm giving you my card.

So.

You notice. I made sure my card faces you.

- Right. - Right. So you can read it.

So if was your card, okay, reverse it.

- Give it to me. - You also put your head down.

- Yes. - You also did this.

So I do this-- oh-- you flip it around.

Oh, nice map.

You say something to acknowledgethat you noticed the card.

You don't put it in your back pocket

'cause it's considered rude.

I like the colors that you used.

Very good, very good.

You don't put it in you back pocket

'cause it's considered rude. You sit down, right.

Or you can put it in your shirt, whatever.

This small business etiquette,you should do it everywhere,

even New York City, around the world,

because Mainland China, everyone's doing business

- with Mainland Chinese... - Say something!D

Jami Gong from Hong Kong. Front pocket.

This small business etiquettewill close deals for you.

So what happened-- just out of curiosity, like give me the card.

If you were-- if somebody's like this,

like, it would just be seen as rude?

- Yes. - It's like you're being rude.

It's a culture thing. It's rude, and people know--

Like, this guy doesn't have a clue.

Exactly.

Chad, here is a direct condom

for when you're over in Singapore.

Oh, it's expired.

Is that what-- is that good?

It's comedy time. Make some noise.

Welcome, everyone. Welcome to TakeOut Comedy Club.

It is the first fulltime comedy club in Asia,

and according to a new panel, the number one entertainment

in all of Hong Kong thanks to you guys.

Yes. It's a special, special night.

So, yes, make some noise, young man.

My first stab at standup comedywas, uh, 1989 on a dare

at Syracuse University on a standup comedy competition.

I made a fool of myself, uh, but fell in love.

Uh, went back to New York City,hit the open-mics,

then, uh, one night in 1992, packed room,doing a show,

I took it for granted, uh, a bit arrogant.

Blanked on stage.

Nothing came out of my mouth, right.

Could not do it again until 1999.

My wife is British, uh, so polite the first time we went on a date.

She got money from the ATM machine, and she said,

"Thank you."

She's actually white, and I'm Chinese.

It's rare to see a Chinese guywith a white girl.

We change each other's status.

She's raised mine. I've lowered hers.

I decided to open up the firstfulltime comedy club in Asia

before we had comedians.

before ever opened February of '07.

Plus she works for Mandarin Oriental, which is great.

Whenever we travel, she gets us a upgrade to nice rooms

and everything.

I feel bad. I want to help us out through my connections.

So last month we flew the Hainan Island,

and through my connections I got us upgraded to economy.

Tom: Who are your comedy idols?

Johnny Carson, Bob Hope.

What a great crowd. are you guys ready to laugh some more?

We got so many funny, funny comedians.

I think you guys can do itbetter than that.

You guys ready to laugh some more?

In the beginning we had people up there doing 20 minutes

when they barely had three minutes of material.

We had to do that, and people walked--

I know that people said,

"That was a terrible show,"

but we had to do that to give them the stage time.

Seven and a half years later, we-- I could have about

20 people in my rotation nowthat can kill

for eight to ten minutes.

I guarantee that like most of you were like me

when you came to Hong Kong, right.

You came to Hong Kong you're like,

I am gonna kick this language in the ass, right?

And then you went to your first lesson, and it was over.

Yeah. No, the same thing happened to me.

I went to my first Cantonese lesson.

The teacher's like,

"Cantonese has nine tones," and I was like,

"Fuuuuck."

And she was like, "No, no, no, no.

Faa-uck.

It means prosperity."

I'm actually from Hong Kong, and I'm half Chinese.

My mom's, uh-- my mom's Chinese.

And I've got my parents staying with me at the moment,

and as I'm walking out of my house tonight, my mom kinda stops me

and she said, "Benjamin, are you standing up?"

Yeah.

"Are you going to make the jokes?"

I was like, "Oh, am I doing standup?"

"That's what I just say. You don't listen."

"Yes, mom, I'm doing standup comedy."

"Tsk. You are so funny, Ben,

because you know how to take a piss on yourself."

"Mom, I know how to take a pissout of myself."

"Benjamin, don't be a smart anal."

Any black people in the audience?

Make some noise. Exactly.

This is Hong Kong, man.

Only one of us is allowed out at a time.

Any Indian people in the audience make some noise.

All right, I miss black people so much.

You guys are close enough.

Jami: Comics have different goals.

Some of our comedians want to be a pro.

Some do it as a hobby. Some just love it.

They have already a good paying job they knowthey're not gonna leave,

but they just love to get this out of their system

that the arts, right.

I grew up in a very tough, Irish Catholic neighborhood.

Where I grew up, the kids molested the priests.

Tough place.

So I started dating a white girl because I wanted a change of pace.

And we were sexting 'cause that's how I role,

and I said to her, "Baby, what's your favoritesexual position?"

And she said, "Sam,

I really love it when I'm bent down like this,

and you're in London."

We have less Chinese comedians.

Why? Couple reasons.

The Chinese people, "Oh, I could do that."

They go up there and do it, and then they fail.

They lose face. They don't want to do it again.

Remember. They're taught not to fail. It's a culture thing.

The Chinese, they're taught not to fail, right.

I gotta succeed. I gotta succeed, all right.

So the moment, we know standup comedy takesyears to perfect.

You will fail, but you will fail to succeed, right?

They fail and don't believe in the payoff.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am actually--

not trying to dress up for you guys--

black is the only color I know. I'm colorblind.

I have, uh-- now, I've known I was colorblindsince I was 12,

but up until 12 I thought I was a genius at Rubik's Cube.

My hope in the beginning was to find the next Hong Kong

Jerry Seinfeld, the next Hong Kong Billy Connolly,

the next Hong Kong Chris Rock.

We are.

Because if you can speakCantonese and you're Chinese,

it's like a superpower, right?

You leave your house, and you're eavesdropping man.

Probably our biggest discoveryis, uh, Vivek Mahbubani.

He's performing tonight.

He's an Indian local comedianthat speaks perfect

Cantonese and English.

He's been in movies now,commercials,

a ring announcer for mixed martial arts now.

So he has made almost a career out of this.

I go take the MTR train,

and I'll purposefully just sit in the middle of three empty seats

and just sit there and just wait, right.

And two friends will come sit next to me,

and they'll talk over me like I don't exist, right.

I'll be sitting there. They'll be like,

[speaking foreign language]

Right, the whole time, I'm sitting there going like--

[laughs to self]

And what I'll do is, right,

I'll wait for let's say two stations.

And I'll just whip out my phone and go,

[speaks foreign language].

Right, guarantee like, [babbling]

I'm trying to discover new talent and at the same time

bring over pros like Chad, Pete, uh, Tom.

- Where are you from? - Man: Puerto Rico.

Puerto R-- are you serious?

You guys come here?

Huh.

Are you visiting, or you live here?

Shut up. Are you the only one, or are there?

- Man: There's two. - There's two of you.

You and Juan Jose?

Or what's his name?

Hm?

Fred.

Hablas-- hablas espanol?

[speaking Spanish]

No, you guys have been doing this shit all fucking day

in other languages so.

[laughter, applause]

Yeah, this is what it feels like.

It fucking sucks, doesn't it?

Going into it I thought, well, I perform in New York,

and I pretty much perform for a lot of expatriates

that are English speaking all around, you know,

from all around the world in clubs every night.

So I thought that maybe I had a little bit of a leg up

'cause I'd adjusted my act to that already.

But I just-- I-- I still didn't--

I still didn't know.

I, um, I'm from America, but you can't tell

'cause I'm thin.

You know, like, you're like,

"No, you're not. Really?

Like, you live and eat there?

Right, no you don't."

When I got my first laugh, which was like--

I think it was one of my firstlines, I was like,

"Oh, this trip is gonna be great."

I, uh, went golfing three weeks ago

and finally beat my girlfriend.

Those are two separate things.

[laughter]

When I got home, she was like, "Were you golfing again?"

And I lost my mind.

I said, "I'm dressed like an asshole. What do you think?"

Pete: Louis, smile.

Where's Louis? Ready, one, two...

[Asian rap music playing]

Tom: The next morning we took

the three-and-a-half hour flight

to the authoritarian paradise

that is Singapore.

This place went from a Third World country

to the best educated and most expensive place

on the planet in under 50 years.

And, apparently, you don't pull something like that off without

a whole bunch of strict rulesfor your people.

You can tell a country means business when they great you

on the plane before you landwith a death threat.

I got scared.

Like, I had this--

like this almost

illogical, nonsensical

- panic attack... - Uh-huh.

...about that I have weed in my backpack,

like, that I know I didn't have.

But I was like, "What if weed's in there?"

- Now, at some point I did. - Yeah, like...

[Asian rap music playing]

Tom: The show that evening was at a nightclub

called The Vault, a club that used to not even be open on a Tuesday night

until they started hostingstandup comedy.

It's a nice place to have an $18 beer and enjoy a show.

- Emcee: Hello! - Audience: Hello!

Ladies and gentleman,

welcome to the Acme ComedyCompany Asia Tour 2014

preview show.

Everyone, please make somefucking noise.

[cheering]

My name is Umar. I run Comedy Masala Singapore.

I'm 39 years old, and I've been doing standup for about five years.

Now with the count of three,

only the Singaporeans give me a cheer.

- Three, two, one. - [cheering]

See? That's why I love doing comedy

because you fuckers follow instructions perfectly,

I tell ya.

People have often told me

that the way to really find out what Singapore's like

is to actually come to a comedy show, like, namely Comedy Masala.

- And you're Singaporean? - Man: No, I'm not.

- Where you from? - Man: America.

America doesn't matter. All right, so--

[laughter, applause]

went to high school there, went to college in the US.

Went back to Pakistan, startedworking at a bank, hated it.

Did a lot of improv in Pakistan.

There was no improv in Singapore,

and Jami Gong, the founder ofTakeOut Comedy Hong Kong,

he ran a standup comedy class in Singapore in 20-- 2009.

I attended it, never looked back since.

Give it up for Umar, yeah.

A very clear example of whatPakistani women look like.

Uh, it's cool, and-- and my name is Fuzz.

My full name is Muhammed Fadzri Bin AbdulRasheed, okay,

but I do not do that.

I don't use that name because I don't want whitepeople to panic, okay.

Yeah, seriously.

I get Americans coming up to me,and they go like,

"Oh my God, Fuzz, you're name's MuhammedFadzri Bin Abdul Rasheed.

Oh my God, are you a terrorist? Are you a terrorist?"

I say, "No, bro. I'm Malay. It's different.

I'm not Arab, okay?

There's difference betweenMalay's and Arabs.

During Ramadan, the Arabs, they fast.

The Malays, we slow. Okay, uh...

It definitely felt like a newer scene.

It was a less developed standup scene,

and like I felt like we were--

we were-- at least that first night

we were jumping on an open mic,you know.

But the open mic'ers were slaughtering.

So I was like-- you ha-- and you have to be like--

you have to acknowledge that and kind of respect that

that like, well, this audience, this is whatthey're used to seeing.

A lot of things are fresh to the audience now

because, ah, man, we're hearingthis for the first time.

It's almost like back in the days of like,

you know-- I don't know.

It's like Pryor and Foxx and all that, you know, they go like,

"Oh, white people be like this,or black people be like that."

You know, it's almost like it's at that stage over here

where you can talk about things like that, and it's fresh to them, man.

Now nothing makes you feel more proud of being Singaporean

than a fucking trip to Malaysia, okay.

I was in Malaysia, and people told me, they said,

"Fuzz, don't walk down the streets of KL

and night, bro, it's dangerous."

I said, "Bro, bro, bro, I'm Malay, okay?

If I get robbed, he's probably my cousin.

Okay, I can get my money back. No problem."

I got robbed at knife point, okay,

and that wasn't even the weird part.

It's after the guy robbed me he said, "You better be careful.

It's quite dangerous over here." I'm like, "What are you ta--"

One of the hardest parts about comedy on stage here

is that-- is the flash.

I call the first two minutesyour flash,

and that's where you just-- you go up there,

and it doesn't have to be a high energy thing

or anything like that.

But the flash is where you make 'em--

you blow it out, and you make 'em love you.

And you hook 'em with whatever material it is

and so that they know exactly what's funny about you,

and then they trust you.

And, um,

it's been weird to adjust what--

what the flash is here.

Oh my God, you guys are the best looking crowd I've ever seen in my life.

Like, you're-- you're reallygood looking people.

Like, I am having a blood diversion right now,

and this is ridiculous.

Um, by the way, my name is Pete Lee,

and like don't feel bad.

I'm disappointed that I'm not Asian, too.

Right?

You guys are like, "Oh, he's white.

All right, okay." Right?

All growing up, all my friends, they would be like,

"Well, if your-- if yourfamily's not Asian,

then what are they?" And I'm like, "Alcoholics."

I'm from America, but you can't tell because I'm thin.

People are like, "Do you eat there, too?" Um, yeah, I do.

Uh, we were in Hong Kongyesterday.

Do you guys-- have you ever been there? Um, right?

Uh, that city's just like Singapore,

except for it's a giant shithole.

Have you guys been there?

Like, Hong Kong means, like,

weird water that drips on you randomly

that's made of AIDS. Right?

It's the grossest city I've ever been in in my life.

Like, there's a smell in Hong Kong that's like--

it's like nail polish removermixed with farts and fish.

Is this too edgy for you guys?

Um, uh, this my hair, by the way,

uh, just to let you guys know.

I look like Superman with a perm.

Have you guys ever been growing out your hair

because you wanted to try out like a shaggy, edgy thing, you know?

But then you had lunch with your family last Wednesday,

and you looked across the table and you're like,

"Oh my God, I have the same exact hairstyle as my mom."

Right, I thought this was likethe rocker, but I was like,

"No, that's the Susan." This hairstyle doesn't rock.

It drinks Sauvignon blanc and does crafts.

Now every time I look in the mirror, my hair's like,

"Where are my grandkids?"

I'm like, "Shut up, Susan."

You had a turning moment.

Like, you were the first, uh, you know, foreigner,

you know, and you were ramping up.

And then there was-- you hooked 'em.

You hooked them on, uh,

when you said Susan and stuff,right, with the hair?

And then you got an applause break,

and then they were like, "Yes."

And you had to follow Fast and Furious 6.

Pete: Yeah, I did.

I did follow Asian Dane Cook,Da-nane Cook.

I just came back from where these guys come from, and I went to do some spots

in the Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis.

And when I landed, somebody came up to me and said,

"Are you Rishi Budhrani?" I said, "Wow,

people know me in Minneapolis."

They said, "Oh, no, no, we were told to pick up the guy

who looks like the love child of Borat and Jay Leno."

I've always thought about standup as something--

it's a dream that I never knew--

or rather I never dared dream

because of where I was

'cause if you're a funny kid in Singapore,

no one encourages you to be funny-- no one tells you growing up

that, hey, you know, you're funny.

You could make a career out of-- this could be something that--

that feeds your family one day. No one ever says that.

Singapore has one of the best zoos in the world,

and I say that doesn't make any fucking sense, right?

How can Singapore have one of the best zoos in the world?

We don't have any wildlife. We don't have any jungles.

How can it be one of the best zoos?

And then I realize, okay, this is a fucking zoo, right?

Why does Singapore have one of the best zoos in the world?

Because our nation specializes in exerting control

over living things in captivity.

Standup is one of the few,

well, I dare say, only artforms in Singapore,

which is not regulated to that extent.

Now if you're doing a theatrical show, if you'redoing a play

or if you're doing an original piece,

you've gotta submit your work--

the script-- to the mediadevelopment authority.

And they have to approve it, and they will rate it.

Is it an NC-16 rating,

or is it a M-18 or 21?

So they do that for theater pieces.

Standup for some reason has escaped all that so far.

The worst thing about the Middle East is that women there

are not allowed to speak freely,and that really upset me.

And that's why I say women inSingapore are much better off.

In Singapore, there's no such thing as gender discrimination.

In Singapore it doesn't matterwhether you're a man or woman.

Nobody is allowed to speak freely.

Tom: Is there a sense of fear among you that it might,

you know, get onto the radar of the sensors?

I've-- I-- I get a feeling

that a bunch of us might already be.

There might be a file of most comics at some point.

We've had government officialscome down to our shows, man.

We've had that.

I mean, we've had, uh,

undercover government officials as well.

We've had people come to us and not even in these shows.

I mean, they've got theater shows where they have, um--

where they talk about, um,provocative topics, you know,

or they talk about, like,controversial topics

that relates to the government,

and we'll have like the media development authority.

This is gonna be edited in the US, so I don't care.

So the media developmentauthority, they will come downand just to vet.

But they pick their battles really.

Some things I would say on stage,

but I would never post on Facebook.

Thank you for having me. I just wanted to come up

and say, uh, I did standup in Singapore because, uh,

your reputation is hilarious by the way.

People just scare the shit out of me when I said I was coming here.

"Don't bring drugs! They'll fucking kill you!"

"Don't watch porn. They'll cane your dick."

"Don't spit. They'll shoot you in the fucking head."

Listen. I don't know the rules here.

I fucking almost brought gum here.

So if anyone wants to fucking...

I don't know any of the rules. What a weird--

I'm not gonna make fun of your fucking place,

but you can fucking buy hookers but not gum?

That's a thing that you did?

That's what you guys decided to do?

I'm quite a nerd, you know, I like superhero movies.

I recently watched the newCaptain America movie.

I watched that movie, and, uh,

I really wish there was a Chinese superhero,

you know, like Captain China.

Because you see Captain America has a shieldthat he can throw, right?

So maybe Captain China can throw pirated DVDs,

you know?

And Captain China's superpower

would be lending money to Captain America.

[laughter, applause]

When Jinx went on the stage I was like, yes, I love him.

I'm feeling love,

and I feel like a good person again

because I love one of the local comics.

But this year there was a new Spiderman movie, and, you know,

if you follow the Spiderman movies,

you notice Spiderman's enemy is usually

some kind of animal, you know, like,

Doctor Octopus or the Lizard,and then now they have

the Rhino, you know.

Well, if Spiderman was Chinese,

he would just eat all his enemies, you know.

[laughter]

They'll be no more superhero movie.

It will just be a cooking show.

[laughter]

Yeah, I live in the States for a couple years.

Uh, I studied there for a couple years,

uh, then before I dropped out of college so.

He dropped out of, uh-- that place-- Caltech.

- You know Caltech? - Yeah.

- He dropped out of Caltech? - He dropped out of Ca--

he's a fucking genius this guy-- he dropped out of Caltech.

His parents hated him,

and he just wanted to come backand just do copy writing

and now he's doing comedy.

Uh, but I also watched the musical movie

Les Misérables, you know.

And there being Singaporean, I realized,

"Wow, you can never have

a Singaporean production of Les Misérables," you know,

because the Les Misérables songswould not work in Singapore.

It would be like, "Do you hear the people sing?

No, cannot.

Police coming.

Because more than three peopleis an illegal gathering."

Or maybe it will be like, "Do you hear the people sing?

No. Singaporean's cannot sing.

If we need to sing,

we hire people from the Philippines."

There's a part of me that thinks that, you know,

if there's something that's notallowed to be talked about,

uh, thi-- this is--

uh, I guess how should I put it?

Uh, some of the things that are most worth talking about

are the things that are a bit taboo

and -- and-- and-- and so, yeah, that's--

that's-- that's generally how I feel.

I'm sure there are some couples here

who are thinking of getting married.

Okay, so here's a tip, okay.

If you're thinking of getting married,

uh, remember to take lots of wedding photos, okay.

See, uh, taking wedding photosis very important because, uh,

taking wedding photos is kind of like taking pictures of your food.

You are capturing the moment before everythingturns into shit.

That first show, completely out of my mind.

I felt so exhausted.

Uh, it's great to be here. I love your country.

I've been here five hours. I love the rules.

You know why? 'Cause it fucking works.

Freedom is overrated. Liberal thoughts are overrated.

Throwing shit on the ground is overrated.

I wish you guys had more rules.

I wish, like, if you made eye contact with somebody,

a cop could just snap your fucking neck right on the spot.

This is a great country.

Like, I had so much anxietybefore I went up there.

Yeah.

Like, just because of the length of the show

and watching people and then--

and not knowing how things are gonna go.

I was in a full fucking panicand not knowing--

uh, not remembering.

Like, all that shit was like,uh, was not like,

"Oh, here's what I'll go into next."

It was all like scrambling,scrambling, scrambling,

and then say something.

Holy shit.

Um, I took a crazy shit earlier today.

Is-- is pooping universal?

Is that a thing?

Here's something I just found out.

I just found out that not everybody has diarrhea every day.

I didn't know that.

Seriously. Here's how I found out.

We moved. My wife and I moved to a new place.

In the new place, the living room couch

is closer to the bathroom than it was in the old place.

So the second day we're there,

I go in there. I do my thing.

When I walk out,

my wife is no longer sitting on the couch.

She's now standing holding car keys, and she goes,

"Do you need to go to the hospital?"

And I go, "For what?"

And she goes, "For what just happened in there."

And I go, "What just happened in there?"

And she goes, "Is that normal for you?"

And I was like, "I don't remember what happened. So I guess so."

And she goes, "Jesus, how often do you shit like that?"

I was like, "Every day."

And she goes, "Oh my God, is there blood in there?"

And I was like, "There could be. I don't know.

Like, I just go, Bop!, and then I hit flush, you know?"

And she goes, "You don't look at it?"

And I'm like, "Where am I supposed to look? It's everywhere.

You want me to look at each individual piece? No.

I fucking paint the bowl, and then I wash it away."

That's how I found out that not everybody has diarrhea every day.

I just didn't like that first set, and, uh, I was bummed about it.

I didn't like, like, that, like,

they seemed like too bothered by something,

and then I felt like a guy

that didn't even speak Englishburned me.

And like I didn't even have the--

like the speed to say something back.

You remember the last time you had diarrhea?

- Man: Yeah. - When was it?

- Man: It is quite often. - It's quite often, too?

Lactose intolerant? Is that a wild guess?

What is it? What causes it?

- Stress? - Man: I don't know how to answer this.

You don't know how to answer this?

What made you shit crazy?

- Man: Bad humor. - Bad humor?

Oh, fuck. You're shitting on me?

That's bad?

Did you laugh at the other stuffearlier or no?

Today's a good day?

A guy who I don't think speaks good English,

uh, burned me, and I couldn't even fuckingthink of rebuttal.

Like, I was like, "You don't even speak English,"and he was like,

"Nah." Like, he was like, "Yo, this humor sucks."

And I was like, "Really?" That's what I had for him.

What's your primary language?

- Man: English. - English?

Oh, fuck, this is gonna be a really bad set.

All right.

I got nothing.

So like the whole night I was like,

yeah, I was totally bummed by that.

You're being very hard on yourself.

- Yes, you are. - And you were incredible.

Like, dude, we've had four hoursof sleep in three days.

No, I know.

And then you just went up in front of people.

This is what you're supposed to do.

What I'm doing is what you're supposed to do is hate yourself.

But that's-- if I didn't hate myself, I wouldn't do standup.

My therapist, you know, she basically told me.

She's like, hating myself and being mean to myself

has got me to this level.

And she's like, you'll never get past this level

unless you start to love yourself

and unlock the rest of the creativity.

- Completely disagree. - What?

Because if you look at the best creativity,

if you look at the best musicand the best comedy,

comedians, the funnier you are,

you should get more leeway to be a fucking lunatic.

- Oh. - I think.

But here's the thing.

Your therapist is talking about being

a healthy and happy human being.

- True. - That's her--

that's what her ultimate goal is.

He doesn't give a fuck what happens to you as a human being.

No. I just want the funny.

I'm still mad that that hookerhurt my feelings last night.

- Um, and I... - That's why I'm wearing a hat today.

Everyone I've talked to today,I've told that story to them.

- The hooker hurt my feelings? - Everyone.

- Huh? - What happened?

I was walking to 7-Eleven,

when I had my low blood sugar moment last night.

And, um, the hookers just like--

they like grabbed my arms, you know.

It was almost like a Disney movie where like just a haram of women

like grab your arms, and they're like,

"Come. Come sit with us. Come have conversation."

And I'm like, "No, I'm really hungry. I have to go here."

And then as soon as like we disconnected physically,

they're like, "Wow, your hair fucking is weird.

You have clown hair."

And I was like, "That--" I was like,

"That was really unfair of you,"is what I said to them.

I'm like, I didn't wanna-- like,'cause I could've been like,

"You're whores," or like something.

You know, like, I could've just-- but like--

I didn't want to say anything mean to them

because I know that like-- like-- like 15 minutes from now

they're gonna be doing an awful thing to some man

that they don't want to be doing that to.

Probably with better hair than you.

Yeah.

[Asian rap music playing]

Tom: At some point the concept of street food vendors

became just too chaotic for Singapore.

So the government created thesefood hawker centers

to get them all off the street and under onefully regulated roof.

Pete: Wow, this is like insane.

Tom: Good news when it comes to food safety.

Bad news when it comes to makinga decision about what to eat.

I've got to find my jam.

Tom: Granted, some choices are easierto rule out than others.

Thank you very much.

Curry rice with curry chickenand an egg.

And you?

Roast duck, roast pork.

Why don't I not just fuckingfollow you around?

- I would if I were you. - 'Cause now I want that.

I'm gonna go back and get that. This isn't gonna fill me up.

There's some places where you go,

"Am I ordering lunch or just scheduling diarrhea?"

I'm gonna go get something from China.

Bye, Louis. Have fun with your people.

[laughter]

We're playing a game, right?

Yes.

What, we're like openmindedenough to come over here

but closeminded enough to like make racist comments the whole time?

Is that what we're doing?

Louis: I started dating American girlin 1981,

and so she took me to a comedy show.

And I walk in there, and I only get half the show.

But the crowd was so good, and it's like, wow.

What about the other half?

I mean, I-- I get the half that I thought is really funny,

and then the other half is,

"Huh, this is how peoplecommunicate to each other."

Nothing like you read from a textbook.

It-- it's different.

It's even kind of differencethan you see a movie

because movie are so well-scripted.

And here, you know, people just talk naturally.

Huh, this is interesting.

That's how I can learn more English,

and I try-- I can try to be funny

when I talk to other people

by stealing jokes from-- from the comics.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Acme ComedyCompany Asia Tour 2014.

Everyone, please make somefucking noise.

The next night it felt like it was on in that room.

Folks, by way of an intro,

for those of you that don't know me, my name is Umar.

I'm your emcee for the night. I am from Pakistan.

I see some white people here. Just relax.

Everything will be okay.

I see some white people here. Just relax.

that, you know, not all Pakistanis areterrorists, for example.

You know, we 're just-- there are some of us

who just wanna make you laughand have a good time.

Holy shit, with the beard, a fucking terrorist

right in the front fucking row.

Where are you from by the way? Where are you from?

- I'm from fuckking Karachi. - From-- from Karachi.

You're from Pakistan? You're from Pakistan.

What the fuck have they told youin training camp?

You never sit in the front.

You sit-- you sit in the fucking center.

It maximizes the blast fucking radius.

Happy 9/11 tomorrow, boys.

[laughter, oh's]

- Good burn. - Man: It wasn't us.

I know it wasn't you. You'd fucking be dead, jackass.

We didn't see any fuckingparachutes out of the plane.

There's be building! [fwah!]

Oh my God, get my GoPro.

"It wasn't us." Jesus Christ.

Yeah, 10-4, I got it.

I'd heard a lot about Chadbefore I came here,

like, a-- a lot.

Um, if you talk to a lot of good comics, they mention him,

which is always like the-- the sign of-- you're like,

if this many good comics talk about somebody being good.

One time, uh, a guy asked me if I would die for my kids,

and I know that as a man I'm supposed to say yes

right away without thinking about it,

but that's not my answer.

My answer is I probably would die for my kids,

but I have some questions first.

Like, what kind of death are we talking about?

Would my son die quickly, but if I choose to save him,

I'm going to have to suffer?

Because you can ship that shitright on down the line.

If my son's standing over hereand I'm over here

and a piano is falling towards my son

and he doesn't see it but I do,

you want me to go push him out of the way?

No.

'Cause my last thought is gonna be, "Oh my God, this is gonna hurt.

It's a fucking piano." He doesn't even see the piano.

So I can help him with his last thought, right?

"Isaac, what's your favorite ice cream?"

"Cookies and--" Smash!

Now his last thought is his favorite ice cream.

I'll take my Father Of The Year mug

whenever it's out of the kiln.

I think maybe my attitude in Singapore

wasn't everybody's favorite,

but tough shit, it's my attitude.

Why are you shaking your head at me?

I shouldn't have to go push him out of the way

just 'cause he came out of my dick hole.

I was very careful to not get AIDS,

and I'm still gonna die from fucking?

Have they not told you guysabout AIDS here?

I know sometimes you don't getall the news here.

The second and third day, I started just going to like

old material because I just felt like

older stuff had a certain beat and rhythm

that I felt like-- I don't know.

I was just confident that it would work.

Every family-- every family in the world--

has at least one profoundly stupid person in the family,

okay, every family.

And this-- this goes even for really successful families.

Like, you ever meet a family where it's like

a doctor married a lawyer, and they're like,

"You know, our three kids,they're all doctores, too."

And you're like, "Yeah, but you have four kids."

And they're like, "Ah, yeah.

He's out back."

And they're, "What's he doing?"

And they're, "Just trying to figure shit out."

"What kinda shit? Like, don't stare at the sun? Shit like that?"

I bought one of my old albums on iTunes to listen to.

- Interviewer: Really? - Yeah,

before that second show 'cause I couldn't remember.

I like-- I was like, I know that'll work,

but I wanted to hear, you know,how did you used to do it?

I haven't said it out loud in a long time.

In my family, it's my cousin Brian.

Without a doubt, it's my cousin Brian.

Like, every time we go out to eat

if I order first and I'm like,

"Uh, let me get the, uh,Teriyaki Chicken,"

he'll be like, "Ah, man, that's what I was gonna get."

You still can...

because we're at a restaurant.

I didn't order the last one.

And he'll be like, "Yeah, but then we'll both be eating the same thing."

Yeah, I know.

He's like, "That's weird." No, it's not.

You're fucking weird. It's not weird at all.

It's weird if I go, "I'm gonna go propose to Christie,

and then you go, 'I'm gonna propose to Christie too.'"

That's weird.

Then we have to have a conversation.

Like, what are we gonna eat at the wedding?

Teriyaki Chicken? I don't fucking know.

Singapore, you guys are the friendliest people

in the world here, like,especially like the women

that like hang out on the street, you know.

Like, this was the first placethat I went after we landed,

and I was like, "Everybody's so friendly here."

Oh my God, they're like,

"Let me sit on your lap," and, you know, like, whatever.

And then when you're like, "Idon't have any money,"

they get mean, and, uh, like, really mean.

And, um, okay, uh...

So, yeah, my name is Pete Lee,and like don't feel bad.

I thought I was gonna be Asiantoo, right?

I think the Asian scene is gonna explode even further.

It-- all-- the-- the recipe is there.

You've got comedians. You've got comedy promoters.

You've got venues now who are excited about comedy.

We're filling up.

You know, there are bars. There are clubs.

All of a sudden on a week night.

The economics of standup comedy business

is, uh, they're no different

than in the US in the early '80s.

Uh, there's not too many real clubs,

and you just go to bar and restaurant.

Hopefully, you can get a night here, a night there.

And then-- and, of course,because of that,

that's not much money out there.

But when the comedy itselfstarted to draw the bigger crowd

and more consistently,

then you're talking about full-time club.

I know very developing scenes,very good scenes in Thailand,

Indonesia, Singapore, Malaysia,Hong Kong, and the Philippines,

and-- and Japan.

And I know comedians in all of these markets.

They're all either running open mics or weekly shows

or monthly shows,

and some of them are really good.

Tom: We headed back to Hong Kong the next morning.

I waited until we left Singapore airspace

to do some serious littering on the plane.

One of the characters of the week is exhaustion.

The only thing that's tough for me is the sleep.

In Singapore I felt caught upfor one day,

and then we basically had to stay up all night

and then fly back to Hong Kong.

We're playing this room TakeOut,

but my friend was here last month.

And he didn't play that room. He played a different room.

So there's already like,

you know, there's that little bit of competition.

So we do a few paid shows a month,

um, two weekly shows every single week

that are open mic shows.

And then we'll do headliners as well.

I've always appreciated the time that you've had.

I mean, the first time we talkedwas about three hours.

- Right. - Of just, you know,

- all about comedy. - Right.

Tom: Back at the hotel,

Louis caught up with Michael Dorsher,

another local comedy producerand American expat,

to learn about how the local scene

is starting to shape up.

We always go in and approach places with,

if this is interesting to you,

what night of the week is it dead here?

Right.

When do you guys have nobody that comes in?

- Monday night comedy, everyone. - [cheers, applause]

Tom: I went to check out one of theComedy HK open mic nights,

which happened to coincide with what was declared

a T8 level typhoon.

So the crowd was small but hearty.

All right, cool. I see a lot of new faces.

I see a lot of old faces. What's up, Roj?

If Jami Gong is the, uh,godfather of Hong Kong comedy,

uh, these guys are the abandoned stepchild of Hong Kong comedy.

Uh! Uh!

Yeah. I'm still learning how to smile.

Uh!

That's as close as I can get.

When I'm on dates, I always like to date like

older men 'cause then there's a higher chance

that their mothers are dead.

It's the kinda heat there you expect like

a prosecuting attorney to just speak to a little girl

on a stand and be like,

"Excuse me. Could you point to the doll

where the humidity has touched you today?"

She's like, "In my bathing suit regions."

Starting our own room was never a goal of mine.

It was-- it was kinda something

where the need was really there.

As people started getting kicked out of TakeOut Comedy

and the other established clubs, um,

for the same reason they get kicked out of any otherclub in any other scene,

like, individual personalityclash or politics.

I've created a professionalatmosphere in our club.

Everyone's happy, supportive.

I've kind of weeded out the weak comics.

I've weeded out the people

who are basically dicks, right?

I said this in the beginning.

Don't be a dick, all right?

I've weeded out the people who are not gonna help us.

They told me you have no future in comedy. Don't waste your time.

And so it was really thatimpetus that got us to kick off

and got me to move from the comedian's seat

into a producer role.

And like, how can we run a good show?

How can we find a good space, and how can we do this

so that we all have a chance to perform together,

um, you know, if we can't do it in this other place anymore?

A lot of the people in this group are expats,

um, or even-- even the people who are locals,

they've also lived abroad.

So we all have that kind of connection

and the fact that in some waywe're all away from home.

So it's kind of a way to create home

within this foreign country.

The first girl I ever thought,uh, about marrying,

uh, messaged me today, and she said

no hello, no nothing just, uh,

"My wedding's in October.

Can you film a short videocongratulating me

in front of a landmark and send it to me?"

Audience member: Oh.

But you know the worst part? I'm gonna do it.

I'm a-- like, I'm gonna do itbecause I'm an idiot.

There's like this little part of my male brain that's like,

"If I give her like the best congratulations wedding video ever,

maybe she'll see it and then fuck me."

I mean, it's not-- it's not gonna happen.

I don't know what these guys are talking about at the gym.

They come up to me like, "Hey, man, hey.

Can you spot me?"

I'm like, "Yeah, you're right there. Are you kidding?

That's easy. You must suck at hide and seek.

Seriously. I'll try anyway.

One, two-- I'm gonna find you--three, four."

If you're an expat in Hong Kong,

most likely you have a large worldview.

You're from around the world.

You have graduated from college.

Uh, most of the scenes in all of Asia

have been set up by, you know,

British people moving to Asia,Americans moving to Asia.

So it's-- it's a lot morediverse than you'd think.

Like, you know, some scenes would only have

a particular type of comedy, whereas we--

we have nothing to look up to.

So we just do whatever we think is funny,

and hopefully the aaudience responds to it.

We're part of a community, uh, with very smart people

who enjoy making each other laugh.

We had a fight, my wife and I,the other night,

and she asked me, she goes,

"Tamby, do you ever wish you married someone else?"

I was like, "Oh, God, no."

That's like asking someone in prison

if they wished they were in a different prison, you know?

Who gives a shit?

We wish we were free.

I've always been funny,

expect I guess like recentlyI've been able to, like, hone it

and fine tune it so that it's like socially acceptable

and not just like weird and awkward, you know.

I went to Tiananmen's Square.

I learned that, uh, China has a tagline

for the Tiananmen Square incident like other tragedies,

you know, um, like 9/11, never forget, right?

Uh, the holocaust, never again.

Tiananmen Square, never happened.

It's all about what gets laughs.

You know, like, it's not w--

there's no part of it where I'm like,

"Man, I've gotta like get this shit into people'sears, you know?

Like, I gotta like share these ideas."

I just want to get laughs and like--

yeah, that's actually the end of it.

Hi. Uh, my name is Cherry.

I came back from Canada.

I've got a friend whose name is Sean.

Now most people think Canadians are very friendly, not racist at all.

That's not true.

Sean's a bit racist.

I say, "Sean, you need to go to Asia

and learn about our culture."

And he came back telling me.

He said, "Hey, Cherry, it's true.

You Asian all look the same."

I'm like, "Because you went to Korea."

My mom think being a standup comedian

is the same as being a prostitute.

Cherry Wong, everyone. Isn't she lovely?

Cherry Wong, good job,

and look at this transactionright here.

Bam, free drink, yeah.

It's kinda like a boy's club,but it's fine.

Um, I'm just, uh, concentrating on my stage time

and writing better jokes.

Yeah, my doctor told me I haveto be angry or be depressed.

Um, the world's so fucked up now,

if I tell people I'm depressed,they'll say,

"Me, too," and start talking about their own problems.

I cannot let that happen.

Yeah, I'm not funny. I'm not funny.

Yeah, I just want to make enemies

so we can hate each other.

Yeah, so I can hate myself less.

This is the one thing that give you as a human being

a real power to like saysomething that may matter,

like George Carlin, like Bill Hicks.

What he said, like, 20 years before,

still ring true on some level.

You can influence people on that.

Like, you know, make them less alone.

In Bill Hicks term less alone,or they are more perceptive,

like, more perception about the bullshit.

What else? Yeah, it's so tough

to live in Chinese, um, to be a Chinese,

um, because we are very family orientated.

Yeah, if they're not in a family, fuck you, all right.

I always bomb. I'm-- I think I'm--

my bombed rate is kind of like

the highest among the people.

It's great to see you people out

sticking it out through an open stage

'cause this is where comedy starts and, uh,

some of these people are gonna be fucking stars.

Can't tell you which one yet,

but they're gonna be stars.

With my past experience and hopefully talking to all--

bringing this tour here this time--

let them know that,

"Hey, standup comedy can be at this level."

And make sure the comics and the audience both look at this as a,

"Oh, this is one way to look at comedy, too."

It's not showing off.

It is a culture crossover.

The headliners are importantbecause it gives them

a view of where they've got to go.

I mean, I've-- I've been to and performed on

some of the competitions out here in past years

where you're like,

"Man, everybody had a killer set tonight."

And you've got the headliner who's doing

the ten minute interlude,

and you're like, "There's a difference."

But to me what's more important

is how the Asia comedy scene

is gonna turn into the next wave of--

just turn into 2000 of U.S.

or 2010 U.S.

without going through the downside of the '90s.

You know, the '90s is a lostdecade for standup comedy.

If the comics are not ready andyou sell it to another market,

you say, "Oh, this guy's good," or, "This gal's great."

Yeah.

They only have ten, and now they have to do 20.

Yeah.

That's what happened in the '90s.

I think it was just grow too fast, not enough talent

and try to grab your money too fast

without carrying your product

or carrying your customers.

You got to do both.

You know, now you have to look beyond just one year.

Right.

You know, look for the three and five-year plan.

Be an Asia for a change.

You live in Asia long enough.

Tell me about the other guysperforming with you

- if you would. - Uh, oh, they're, um,

they're like me but not as good.

Deejay: That's right. That's what I heard.

That's exactly what one of the other fellows said.

Yeah, um, well, it's, uh, Tom Segura, um,

he's a guy that I just met, um, and he's, uh,

he's like a podcast legend over in the United States.

Like a lot of people-- like, he landed in Singapore,

and there was a guy waiting for him there

that listens to his podcasts in Singapore.

- Deejay: That's freaky though. - Yeah, that's a little,

um, yeah, am I gonna end up in your basement

chained to wall kind of stuff.

Uh, but then Chad Daniels and I

actually started in comedy16-and-a-half years ago

in the same month as each otherat Acme Comedy Club.

I'm a fan of Pete's, but I haven't ever thought about

if we've progressed at the samelevel or anything like that.

I think that we've both gotten breaks, and I think that, uh,

Louis has kinda nurtured the both of us.

Louis is like-- we call him comedy Yoda because he's--

he's a little dude, and he just like--

he says very few words,

but what he says is just so poignant.

You know, for a long time Louis was sort of like

a disapproving father figure

that was also supportive.

You know, he would tell me that-- he's like,

"Your writing is strong."

He's like, "Your stage presence sucks."

And I'd be like, "What do I do to improve that, Louis?"

And he'd be like-- he'd be like, "Time."

So six months after I started,

I went to Grand Forks, North Dakota

and did a house emcee, um, gig there.

You took a job in, uh, North Dakota.

Four nights a week, uh, six shows a week,

karaoke you'd have to host after the last show of every night.

And so it was-- it was hell kind of.

He just saw too many small city headliners' act.

Then I moved back, um, and I asked him.

I said, "Hey, I was justwondering, you know,

I've been emceeing now for a while.

I need to know, uh, what I nee--

what I can do to emcee your club."

I look at Chad and said, "Look. I smell road."

I can smell the road on you, you know.

You have to make it about you.

You have to make it real

because your emotions have to connect to the material

or people can see right through it.

I certainly think that

the best way to do comedy

is learn how to listen to yourself

and write for yourself instead of, you know,

I mean, I'm sure there are tonsof people around you

that are gonna tell you,

"If you do this, you're gonna kill."

Uh, it doesn't matter whether you kill or not.

Are you writing for yourself?

We're also filming a documentaryover here on this tour,

and I don't what-- I don't know if the documentary

is gonna be about us.

I don't know if it's gonna be about Jami.

I don't know if it's gonna be about Louis...

- Deejay: We'll wait and see. - A combination of--

yeah, documentaries end up--

the story ends up being told in the editing, which is--

Before the set.

After the set.

- Parents, make some noise. - [scattered cheering]

Some unhappy parents.

But here in Hong Kong, it's great.

Three year-olds, they're great as you know.

Right now is the time to teach 'em how to be more polite and courteous,

and here in Hong Kong, it's great.

It's so easy.

All you have to do is take your child

to Hong Kong Disneyland on a Sunday.

Show 'em all the Chinese mainlanders,

and tell 'em to do everything opposite them.

Chinese mainlanders, make some noise.

- [silence] - Good.

And if you are here and hiding,this place is not for sale.

My first girlfriend in college was black.

Yeah.

That happens.

We were making out one night,and she said,

"Whisper something crazy in my ear."

So I said,

And then she said, "Me neither."

And we laughed.

We dated for eight months, and we are still friends.

Uh, and I think that's 'cause we had great communication.

I always knew when she was mad at me.

I'd say something, and she'd go, "Mm-hm."

I'm like, "Okay, she did not like what I just said,"

but it also sounded like Jaws was right behind me.

Especially, she'd walked at me, she be like,

"Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm."

Like, oh my God, there's a shark behind me!

That's a very scary situation to be in

'cause I don't know if she was gonna jump in and help

'cause lots of black people don't like to swim in the ocean.

No, you guys don't--

you're not okay with that some of ya?

If you're black and you're madthat I said that,

stop telling your white friends stuff youdon't want them to repeat

because that is where I got that information.

If you are white and you're nervous that I said that, don't be.

I chose those words very carefully.

I said "'lots' of black people" not all.

I said "don't 'like' to swim in the ocean" not can't.

All right, that would be racist.

If you are Asian or Hispanic,mind your own business.

That wasn't about you.

Not everything's always about you.

Some things are black and white only.

By the fourth and fifth day, it was like,

"Oh, I can do the stuff that I'm actually doing right now back home,"

uh, but I didn't start off like that.

I started off old stuff and then changed

as the week progressed.

Interviewer: Right. Well, I think that's normal

- for comics, too. - Yeah.

Where their first hour is sort of written

- to please people? - Exactly.

And then your second hour is written to please yourself.

Exactly. And that's exactly what happened.

I love learning different thingsabout different cultures.

Like, you know, you're from America.

You always feel like, "Oh, we're fucking--

our big problem is race, dealing with race and racism."

But you travel, and you realize, "Oh, no.

Every race is racist."

Every race-- we're the best at it,

but every race is racist.

Who's super racist?

Asians against each other. I didn't know about this.

It's a whole fucking hierarchy I didn't know about.

Like, did you know about that? No?

Did you know that it's true? You do.

Did you learn it on this trip?

And now you feel better about how racist you are or no?

Good.

Here's the order. Japanese,

they're like the self-proclaimed Aryan nation

of your world, okay.

They're number one in their eyes, which is weird,

because they have blurry genitals.

- And then... - [laughter, applause]

then there's a tie.

There's a tie for second place. It's like 2A and 2B.

That's Chinese and Koreans. Okay, that's the second.

And then everybody else,

everybody who's tan...

Thai and Vietnamese,

you guys are like, [pfoot], fuck you!

True or not?

- Woman: I'm American. - You're American?

Okay. Where are your mom and dad from?

You have American parents, or are you one those like,

"Oh, that's cute. Let's get one of those"?

From where I'm sitting, I want one of those, too.

So just like-- I'll just tell you.

Woman: That's cute. I'm the one of those.

You're-- you're that's cute. I want one of those?

So you have white parents?

Cool. All right.

- What's-- what about you? - Man: You're Korean.

You're Korean. That's good.

That's really high. That's like number two. That's awesome.

That's really good.

- You're American? - Yeah.

Yeah, but you're-- you're Korean American.

All right, let's fucking-- you know where you are, okay?

Do you hate Japanese people?

No? They fucking hate you.

A lot.

Very, very much.

Sex is the most insane thingthat we do, right,

because it's the only thing we do where we're making something

that we don't want to make.

Right? That's insane behavior.

That's like mixing up a bunch of like, flour and sugar and milk

and eggs up in a pan and the putting it in the oven,

and then like 45 minutes later being like,

"Oh, thank God, there's not a cake."

I-- I don't know what we would have done if there was a cake in there.

You know, and call me immature, but I just--

I just wish that like-- sex is the most amazing thing in the world, right,

and I just wish that something came out of sex

that was as amazing as sex, right.

'Cause like sex is amazing and like babies are not.

They're just not like I wishthat you could have sex

and then nine months later you'd be like,

"Oh my God an iPhone.

And it's not even weird that it's black.

Thanks for coming. I appreciate you guys being here.

- Thank you so much. - I appreciate it.

- Hello. - Thank you very much.

- Thank you, man, appreciate it. - Thank you.

So far nobody's wanted to fight us.

All right, everybody get the fuck out!

Oh sorry, that was for the cameras.

It was only for the cameras.

Louis?

French fries, the iPhone

and the thing about sexual things being an iPhone.

- Oh yeah. - Is-- is...

completely ready for air.

- Oh, thank you. - It's a late-night set.

You know that, right?

I was hoping, I mean, like you saying that

makes me go, yeah, but like I said, I...

- You absolutely have to. - I just wrote that

within the last couple weeks.

- So like I-- - That's crazy.

- That's great. - I'm still trying to get

- the timing right and stuff. - It's totally ready.

- Oh, really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, it's right here, the stairs are right...

Have a good one, thanks for coming.

You're a dick.

- You're a dick. - Chad: What an asshole.

Do you know what I was thinking about,

watching the two of you,

it is literally the opposite, like,

the opposite ends of the spectrum of likeability,

like Chad is like

inherently unlikable on stage

and then you ooze likeability,

like people watch you like this,

and they watch Chad like...

We're busting each other's chops

just about as hard as I've ever seen.

I mean, we've had a lot of fun.

It's so fun to fuckin' break his balls.

It's the most fun I've had in a long time.

Chad and Tom said that they met on the flight,

but I felt like they were like

two peas in a pod and really bonded.

It's cool because you don't get to hang out

with like-- with headliners usually.

That's the thing you realize,you know,

like you hang out with your opening acts sometimes,

but like it's different

like hanging out with like headliners.

Do you think if I fart he'll kick us out of the cab?

I think I'll kick you out of the cab.

Today Tom Segura and I went to get our suits measured again

so the final fitting or whatever.

I've like really romanticized the idea

of having a tailor-made suit,

like it's-- it's borderline an obsession.

Um, and I don't wear suits,

so I don't know where the fuckthis is coming from.

So you brought up suits and stuff

- and I had no clue. - Uh-huh.

But then yesterday do you remember telling me

that you watched a documentary about suits?

Yeah.

- And I was like... - Just about tailors.

..."Oh, you jerk off to suits. So of course you like this."

Yeah.

Oh, here it is.

I'm a little nervous.

I did the thing that you shouldn't do

which is I had a recommendation

of a proven place that people have gone to

and I went to a place next door.

Hey, Danny, how are you?

- Good to see you. - Thank you.

How are you? Good to see you.

Hong Kong is like one of the--

the world's leading, uh,

suit, shirt making, tailor places

where it's like, it's affordable.

You know, it's not cheap.

Yeah, it's one of the biggest three, right?

Yeah, I think Savile Row in, you know, London,

uh, Naples, Italy and Hong Kong are like,

they have big, huge markets for this stuff

so it's kind of the thing that we--

one of the fun things to do and all three of us

ended up doing it here is getting our suits made.

- How do I not shoot heroin? - That's incredible.

Isn't that not a great entry point for heroin?

- Oh man. - Look at that.

You'd think it was a night crawler in my hand.

I got nothin' like that. San Miguel.

- That is what's up, Danny. - Ah, you know it.

- Danny. - I'll do it in one round.

- Let me ask you something. - Please.

How long have you had this place?

Uh, I completed 40 years and seven months.

40 years.

And seven months in that shop?

And when you got here 40 years ago

was there a big establishment of, like,

were there a lot of tailorsdoing this already?

- Oh, yes, there were... - It was big already.

This tailoring has been here for over 100 years.

- Really? - Yes.

I romanticized the idea of like

the artists and workers, you know,

sewing and then making their adjustments.

Chad: "Especially made for Thomas W. Segura,"

and it's the number of the suit.

Crazy, right?

- Sit down? - Yes, please.

Sure.

Sir, if you could just lift up little bit of your leg

and allow this to be comfortable.

- No, here. - Here?

- Yes, sir. - Yeah?

Yeah, good.

Yeah?

Chad: You look like a completelydifferent human being.

Like normally you look. May I?

- Yeah. - Like a piece of shit.

You look like a street thug

and right now it looks like you just

killed the boss and now you're him.

I'm not kidding.

God, that is like,

it's manufactured for your ass those pants.

It looks like a peach.

[indistinct]

Yeah, I can see that, I mean, I definitely have to like--

Yes, yes.

What it looks purportedly I cut into the chest.

This has been taken in too much,

- it's tapered. - Okay.

Hey, so out of Tom and I,

who did you think was gonna have to get theirjacket made bigger?

- [laughter] - Wow.

This is embarrassing.

Comic: The other thing that happens

is that no matter what you say

they can't or won't understand.

Now I get into Fanling the other night to the train station,

and get in a taxi and I tell the guy

what I thought was in good Cantonese

where I wanted to go.

mimicking Cantonese]

Remember nine tones.

So I have to try 81 fucking tonal combinations

while it loads in my Google maps.

mimicking Cantonese]

As my local friends say, uh, in fact,

it is because you havemispronounced one of the--

Fuck you!

It was close enough.

This was an old-fashioned ball breaking, plain and simple.

The equivalent would have been

if someone were to come to New York City and say, uh,

Excuse me.

Can you tell me where the 'Umpire' State Building is?

Never heard of it.

Uh, 'Umpire' State Building, uh, very tall,

very famous building in New York.

Never head of it.

Uh, 'Umpire' State Building,

uh, King Kong, uh, climb to the top,

swatted down the airplanes.

Never heard of it.

swatted down the airplanes.

Ball breaker.

Last night I went up and did some material about my last name

which I thought, you know, talking about being a Lee in Hong Kong

would be really funny to them.

And that was mildly funny to them.

So tonight I'm gonna adjust my flash

because now I'm learning.

Oh my God it's been so fun to be in Hong Kong, right.

This city is amazing 'cause you get to play my favorite game now

called "What's That Smell?"

It's a great game 'cause you're walking around and you're like,

this smells great and then you're like,

oh, God, everything changed.

Everything is worse.

Did that smell come from Shirtless Man on Stairs?

Have you guys seen Shirtless Man on Stairs down here?

It's like, just...

You're like,

Right, he's the most unhappy manon the planet.

He's just...

One day I was eating it 15 minutes in

and I just thought, I'm done giving a shit.

Like I was just like, oh these people don't like me.

And I was like, who cares?

You have friends.

It's not like you're here to make friends,

be more honest and so I was,

and it started working better,

and so not caring actually has helped me.

I'm a father, that's exciting, right?

You guys are like, oh, you are raising children?

Yeah, that's right. What's that?

- Are they mine? - [audience groans]

They are mine. I don't under- - I don't-- why is that funny?

I don't get it.

Because some people back therefucking started clapping,

like they thought you and I were gonna go upstairs and fight.

I don't-- Yeah, they are mine, I, uh...

I had sex with a gal.

And then I got a back cramp,

and you can't pull out...

when you get a back cramp.

Are we all okay with that explanation?

Right, like we were having sex--sexual intercourse--

and then I was like, I got three, three left, right,

and I was like one, right, it was almost like

you're fucking gonna jump off a building or something,

one, two, oh fuck my back!

And then it was over and then I had a baby.

And I yelled at her, I was like,

get out from under me and jump up and down,

fuck, help, please.

We need a chiropractor and a hanger now.

[laughter, oh's]

No, no abortion jokes?

No abortion jokes in China. Is that right?

No, don't allow it.

What if I told you it was a girl?

Would that change your mind?

- [audience member boos] - Boo?

Yeah, I fucking, I'm your government, let's go, ready?

I'm the government. Yell, everybody yell at once.

Suck my fucking dick.

Seriously.

Boo.

There's a lot of emotion in Chadwhen he's on stage

and I love that and I think it's brilliant and super funny.

I enjoy that he harnesses his anger

and-- and just unleashes it with an outlet.

My favorite part about this trip so far

is gonna be watching the footage

from when I just said "suck my fucking dick" and you guys laughed

and we're all pretending you know I was kidding.

And then watching my face in slow motion go from

fucking pure inner rage

to all right, I'd better smile.

Sorry about Chad, everybody.

Um...

It's kind of a work release program.

You know how many--

you know how many prisons we have back home, right?

It's part of his probation so.

You guys are good sports, really good sports, thanks.

- Thanks. - Yeah, thanks.

Thanks, brilliant. Loved it.

Thank you.

Yay! Thank you.

- You met him before so he-- - Yeah, right.

he is from the Ivory Coast.

He's a real refugee here in Hong Kong

that a mutual friend of oursintroduced us that he,

uh, needs some help-- get some confidence.

This is what we do.

He's already performed for over a year--

to gain the confidence to have him develop

into now such a funny, funny comedian

when he couldn't have dreamed of being this,

- this is what we do. - Oh, that's great.

And he has a great, great style sense.

[laughter]

15 year-old, he's a comedian.

Wow.

15 years, have been performingfor five year already.

Holy shit. You guys were all-- blew my mind.

[overlapping conversation]

And it's good to see some of you guys performing.

We learned a lot from you. Thank you so much.

Yeah, thanks for having us, for real, yeah.

We appreciate it. It was really--

you guys were super gracious and hospitable all week

so thanks for everything, man.

It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure.

And you're welcome to Macau tomorrow.

Tom: On Sunday the last day of the tour,

we all met up at the Hong Kong Ferry Terminal

to catch the one o'clockhydrofoil to Macau.

Please spread the word about TakeOut Comedy,

about what we're doing-- I get emails all the time--

if someone says, "Oh, Tom Segura recommended me,"

I would email them and I will always email you.

Chad: Okay, that's cool.

And you gotta be-- just bestraight out with me, yes or no,

'cause I get emails all the time from comics and...

Chad: I'm not gonna give anybody your name

'cause then it's gonna lessen the chance of me coming back.

Pete: You know how you guys, um,

you know how you two seem to have bonded, like,

harder than I've seem to have bonded with you guys?

No, I don't. I don't notice that.

- No, like, I feel like... - I picked up on it.

I feel like you guys, like, I feel like we've all bonded.

And I really wanted to bond-- you and I already have a bond

from years and years ago where, like,

I feel like the bond of you twois just like insane, you know,

and like, 'cause you went to get suits together

and you almost died in that alley.

No, there's, um...

You're-- you're-- you're notgiving fair to the fact

that you brought your spouse.

Yeah, it ruined everything

Not-- you didn't ruin anything

for having a companion for your trip.

You have a companion for your trip.

Like just from Macau, should I get rid of Jami.

I mean, if you want the last day to be awesome.

Rose, right?

Yeah, dude, you know the expression.

- Yeah. - Fuck your wife.

Tom: Macau was a colony of Portugalfor well over a century

before being handed back to the Chinese in 1999.

You can still see Portuguesearchitecture all over the place

along with what seems to be a Nevada influence.

Tonight's show is at the MGM Grand in the Lounge.

- There's a big bus over here guys. - Where's our bag?

We're kind of like New York City and Boston in the '80s, I guess '70s now.

So that's why we're so excited.

Ten years from now that's where we'll be.

Right, but, you know,

you have to be careful

because U.S. '80s-- boom!--

- '90s go down. - Yes, I agree.

Because the quality is not there

and because nobody is trying to nurture new comics

and then you have too many rooms--

That's what I'm trying to do, all that-- yeah.

So, you know, we gotta becareful about that, you know.

You money grab, the money will go fast.

Don't grab the money, grab the talent.

The money will come. The money will come.

The money will come sooner or later.

It doesn't matter. Don't count on it, you know?

You're right. You're right.

You know, we gonna,

you know, you don't count your money when--

when you're gambling.

Pete: I always see stuff like this where, like,

some comedian will be standing in front of their sign

to Vegas, but like I never like it on Facebook

'cause I'm like, you're just an asshole.

Well, I just want to make itclear of doing it,

I-- I-- I don't care. This is not for me.

- I'm doing this for-- - We're doing it...

I hope we're doing it for him.

Like he wants it. I don't want it.

We're doing it so that Jamie can document the...

There I am, the face of Macau.

I don't know, man.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Don't think, uh, we didn't notice

that you had that poster made out front.

That's the Pete Lee show with the background singers

Tom and fucking Chad. This is it.

This is the poster and then we're like...

Today is, um, the lost stop of your, of your tour.

So how do you feel so far of your Asian tour?

- Feels amazing. - Yeah?

Yeah, not only have the showsbeen incredible,

which was a surprise to learn that we're funny over in Asia, too?

Um, but just everything

that my eyes have seen so farhas been incredible.

It's almost like I loaned my eyes out to someone else

and got to see everything

of like a world traveler would see.

Okay.

- Chad? - I haven't--

I haven't left my hotel room.

I've been watching a lot of American movies

and I wish that I could rent out Pete Lee's eyes

to see the world as a world traveler.

- Tom: I'm tired. - Yeah?

I'm very tired. I am still tired.

I've been very tried the entire time.

- The entire time? - The entire time.

- Even on the stage? - On stage, off stage,

- right now. - Right now.

I'm very, very tired, but I've had the best time.

It's been an amazing experience.

I mean, I would have liked to do it alone,

but I still even with these guys,

it was still-- still an experience.

Guys, you cannot buy your girlfriend a dildo

that's bigger than you.

That's just paying money to emasculate yourself.

You can't buy your girlfriend a dildo that's smaller than you.

That's just a shitty gift.

So really it's a snatch 22.

[audience groans]

Not quite laughter, but I'll take, "Ahhh!"

Tom: To put it in gambling terms

a Sunday night show in a casino lounge

in a foreign country is pretty much

the hell gig trifecta,

but that doesn't mean there wasn't some fun to be had.

I'm American.

Uh, you can probably tellbecause I'm thin.

- [laughter] - Oh.

I, uh,

I finally played golf and beat my wife.

Those are two separatesentences.

I got home and she was like, uh, were you playing golf?

And I just lost my fucking mind.

I'm dressed like an asshole,

what the fuck do you think lady, Jesus?

Segura going up and doing my first joke

and Pete Lee's first joke

combined with Pete's look, the look on Pete's face

when he realized what he was doing

is one of the funnier things I've seen,

and I was already laughing at the fact

that Tom was doing it and then I looked at Pete like,

isn't this funny?

And he was so mad that that just made me almostshit in my pants

I was laughing so hard.

And thank you guys, this is my last show in Asia,

um, and, uh, thank you guys,

uh, thank you guys for being such a great crowd.

I appreciate you guys, thank you, thank you guys.

Yeah.

Man: Yeah!

That was Tom.

He was like, stay! I'm like, fuck you.

I don't know if you guys knowwhat Tom did out front,

but he went up and did Chad and I's opening jokes,

that like, make the crowd love us and he's an asshole.

Like he took away our spark at the beginning of the show

so we both have to come up herewith our dick in our hand

and be like, I don't know what I'm gonna open with.

So if you see him later punch him in his dick,

but, like, punch a lot 'cause it's small.

[laughter, applause]

Keep it going for Pete Lee everybody.

And Tom Segura.

Man: Yay.

Yep, that was the right response.

Tom wasn't supposed to be on this tour,

but he had to leave Americabecause he raped a waitress.

So he's actually running from the law.

Well, not running, I mean you saw him, he doesn't run.

He's eating from the law.

Tom: Probably a good thing the tourdidn't go another night

or things might have started to get harsh.

This is such a great night, folks.

This is the biggest crowd we've ever had over two years,

so I'm gonna take a littlepanoramic picture, everyone.

So everyone put your hands up, put your hands up,

put your hands up.

You know for me, I don't know what happens in the future.

I'm just so glad that we were somehow

part of the history of stand-up comedy in Asia.

Don't move, don't move, don't move.

Yay!

Tom: You're so lucky to be able to--

to get on a plane and just talk about your dick

in a different continent, you know.

Everyone have a good time?

Please, one more big hand for Tom Segura, Pete Lee

and Chad Daniels.

Come on up here, come on up here.

I think that I now know that I can do comedy anywhere

and it's gonna be fine.

It was-- it was just a great time.

It was definitely, like, leaving summer camp for sure.

When I got off the plane I was just like,

where are you guys...?

My dad's here to pick me up.

On the way back I feel like energized

and-- and this is, you know,

exactly what I done for other people,

uh, what I envisioned I do to myself.

- You guys are the best. - [cheers, whistles]

♪♪

[Asian rap music playing]