Original subtitles

Okay, what'd I win?

A small fry.

Ketchup and salt not included.

Man, I'm trying to win a big prize.

I'm telling you. Oh, my goodness.

I'm going to steal the show, Miss Cora. I have no doubt that you will, Miss

Anastasia. So you can take me on that free trip for two.

That's why I'm going to help you win.

Okay, wait.

Somebody say a trip for two? Oh, y 'all got to take me.

Uh -oh.

Miss Anastasia just entered the Miss Golden Odie Passage, and if she went...

Well, when I went, I'll be sent off to a five -star resort with a platinum spa

for two, a $500 shopping spree, and I also get a year's supply of Ben J and F

.S. Protects and depends?

Okay. Here I am, scratching out meal deal tickets to win a one -night in a

-star hotel with some cookies, a kiddie pool, and a complimentary can of roach

spray.

Well, who would want to win that? That sounds like punishment.

My swimsuit is going to make me shot.

Oh.

Well, do you get extra points for dimples and cellulite and stuff like

stretch, Mom? Mr. Brand, I'll do it.

Nobody want to see her in those swimsuits, dangling and jangling,

giggling. Okay, we got it. She got hit with some golf balls in the legs. Oh, we

got it.

Hey, can you, do they have a male golden only? No, they do not.

Oh, I have to work on my talent entry.

Oh, so what you going to do?

Oh, you know, it's so hard to choose when you're so talented.

I might sing, dance, do poetry, play the flute, or just stand there and look

pretty. Oh, I didn't know you had so many tunes, Susanna Faye. Oh, I was a

triple threat. But, you know, they say to pick things back up is like riding a

bike. A very old bike.

Rusty one.

I can't wait.

I can already see my hair blowing in the wind.

Okay, how about if you take the best landlord known to mankind?

Me. That's me. Oh, no, Mr. Brett. I hope to be taking that handsome gentleman I

recently met at the facility across the street.

That's if he wants to spend an unforgettable weekend with the star.

Well, what if he don't want to go with you?

Oh, then I'll just settle for Carl.

Oh, thanks.

Wow, don't settle for me.

And you know what? Cora, I'm going to find a way to win this prize.

That's why I'm going to have Miss Anastasia win, because Lord knows I need

vacation. Cora, she ain't taking you nowhere.

What? At least I'm on the short list, Mr. Brown.

You know what?

I got the perfect plan to give Anastasia a run for her money.

Yep. And I'm going to win that prize, and I'm not going to be nobody's

afterthought. No, I'm not no afterthought. I'm on the list. I'm on

list at least. Good.

Okay, what did I win?

A hamburger with no meat.

We'll make it if we stay together.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Someone sent Miss Tan Singalik to serenade us?

It sounds like a squilling pig moments before it's slaughtered into bickle.

ever again.

If those are noise -canceling, can I borrow them?

That was just my vocal warm -up.

Sounded more like a cold front.

Are you going to sing?

Should I? No. No, guys, don't do that.

Miss Anastasia, I've heard her sing, and her voice is like an angel. Not

anymore. Since I've gotten old, I just can't reach the high notes.

What should I do?

Well, you know, knitting, knitting is a talent.

Girl, I've seen you knit something this. You did a sweater that was all of it

awesome.

Or you could do a classic poem. People love classic poetry.

That's right. That's right. Sure.

I compare things to a summer's day.

Whose rough winds shake the darling buds of May and summer's leaves.

That's not poetry.

Of course it is. It's a love sonnet.

If I spoke like that on the date, he'd think I was having a throw.

Oh, what a dozen.

Oh, you could dance. That is what I just said.

Well, how about a lovely instrument?

Great suggestions.

I can do both.

Oh.

a church dress.

Dancing? Is that what you call it?

Oh, be

careful.

Somewhere. Well, the dance was nice.

On to the flute kick, then.

Then I ran out of breath playing it.

My ankle almost gave out.

I might as well just throw in the towel. I'm just not what I used to be.

None of us are. Anastasia, but greatness can be reawaited.

Ah, as my grandmother used to say, even a rotten egg hatches.

You're always saying what your grandmother said. Do you say anything?

No, but they were talkers. My grandmother was a talker. She was always

When you say Anastasia, we're going to come up with a fella hat. Don't you wear

it. Thank you all for your support.

I am going to do an act that those judges will never forget.

Even if they try hard to.

I myself am blind from what I've seen.

Keep them closed.

Okay, baby, I'll close.

And open.

Yeah, I wanted to give it to you early because, you know, we're going to be on

the road for your birthday.

Oh, you wanted me to enjoy it before we go see Sandra.

Yep.

What is it? Is it the, um,

bougie bag I've been worn to?

Nope, but you can carry it.

Hmm.

Is this a foot massager?

Nope, but you're going to use your feet.

Oh, I know. I know what it is.

It's the floating...

No, no. That's right.

But, uh... It's a broom.

No, it's not a broom. This is a broom -y.

The tech -savvy broom? Yes.

You can program this thing to sweet, mop, dust, and shine.

It makes household cleaning as easy as... One, two, three, broom -y. My

broom -y.

I know the Uncle Marshall Jeremy.

Ooh.

So do you like it?

Okay, I'm going to take that as a note.

Um, I thought you'd love it.

If I was a maid, I don't want a broom for my birthday, Jeremy.

It's not a broom.

It's a broom -ee.

Just for you.

You're ungrateful.

Red, fantastic,

but sophisticated.

I know, right?

this one. I'm loving this green.

It says that I'm worth a whole lot more than what's beyond these things.

That's nice. That's nice. But I say you saved that for your victory speech.

Oh. Okay.

Oh my goodness.

And this royal blue one.

What does it say?

That says wear me and win.

I love that.

That is beautiful.

Is it gorgeous? Yes, it's gorgeous.

Oh, those are the other competitors in the pageant.

Well, looking at your competition, you got this in a bag with satisfaction.

I agree wholeheartedly.

Yes. So which one are you going to wear? Oh, Miss Crawl, I am so torn.

I'm really loving this. Hey, ladies. Oh, hey.

How are you all doing? Very well.

I was just preparing for my... Is that gown by Le Morant?

Well, obviously, you have great tays in gowns.

What? Doctor, what a big, Mr. Brown, coincidence.

What'd you think I was about to say?

I don't know.

I was stopping you.

Well, at least I'm not wearing it to the same place.

Minus for the Miss Golden Odie pageant.

Oh.

I love a little friendly competition.

Well, maybe you two can push each other on to be the best.

I'm going to try this dress on, and you all can tell me if you think it's a good

fit or not.

We can be 20s.

The nerve of you, Mr. Brown. What?

Mr. Brown, you're going to have your girlfriend into this competition just so

you can get this free trip. The color is called... I'm smart in the competition.

Now, do y 'all want to win as bad as I want to win? You know what? I will give

you a 10 for creativity, Mr. Brown. That's because I'm creative like that.

have you to know she plays classical piano.

And I play the flute.

Right. You don't play the flute.

She's blowing hot air.

And I have you to know she also sings in three different languages.

French, Italian, and Spanish.

And I could sing anything in English, Pig Latin, and Ebonics. You got this,

Anastasia. You better.

If I am going to do something,

there's going to knock those churches, knock them off.

That's the spirit.

I hope it don't include singing and playing the instrument that sounds like

broke.

Mr. Brown, see?

That's, uh -uh.

Word travel fast.

Effing them told me everything.

I am a husband.

I thought she was married to husbands.

Mr. Brown, stay as being as an actor.

Oh, well, you do how you want to do. So I am going to choose nothing that I've

done my entire life.

What? Switch husbands like you switch drawers?

Is that a real talent?

You're so negative.

Ain't nobody... I am going to act!

I am going to perform a monologue for my Brady's Big Bottom.

Yes!

That was great.

And here she is, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on down.

Look at her.

Look at her.

Can you say vacation for two?

Can you say copycat? Uh -uh.

Look at her.

Spin it.

Turn it on him like a top.

Is something wrong?

No, ain't nothing wrong. Spin it for me. Slow motion for me.

What's that?

A gift.

Who? You?

What's the occasion?

Oh, well, you bought me one, so I figured I'd return the thing.

Well, my birthday's in for months.

Consider it a thank you gift.

So let me get this right. You got me a thank you gift for a gift that you

like.

Something like that.

Okay.

A tool belt?

Not just any tool belt.

That is the special ED tool belt, the best tool that even a fool could use.

So you like it?

No.

Oh, so now you know how it feels to get something that nobody... No, I don't

like it. I love it. Oh, my God.

I've been wanting one of these things my whole life. Oh, my God.

Look at this thing. It got a little metal on it for the nuts and the bolts.

Man, this thing is cool.

So you're telling me that doesn't make you feel like you got to work?

No, it made me feel like I want to work.

Man, I'm about to go build some shit.

Okay, so you're telling me that you wouldn't rather have a new razor or...

A sleek device or, hell, even a gift card to Wings and Wine?

No, baby, that stuff is cool, but this is going to last a lifetime.

Oh, I get it.

Yeah,

you didn't want me to like this gift, did you?

You wanted me to hate it.

Not hate it, hate it.

Yeah, uh -huh. You tried to pay me back for the gift I got you and it backfired

on your ass. God don't like ugly lips.

Not all like that, I mean, but... Look, baby, I'm sorry that you didn't like the

gift I got you. A broom is not a gift, Jerry. Oh, baby, it's not a broom.

It's a broom -y.

Stop it. When you say that, it makes me f***ing. I feel like you see me as a

maid. Look, listen, you're overreacting, all right?

Okay? The only time you're a maid that I like is when it's Valentine's Day, and

you got the little outfit on, and your ass is all over the place.

I'm just playing.

Okay? Now, I know that you work hard around here, and I was just trying to

your job a little bit easier, okay? Now, I thought it was a gift that you like.

No, thank you.

Thought that counts.

Exactly. All right, now, I want you to take that refund and go down and find

something that you actually like.

Well, you don't care if I take it back?

Mm -mm.

It was an expensive broom.

Me. Brew me.

All right, everybody, welcome to the future, Miss Golden Oldie.

Oh,

you do look stunning, I must say.

Like a beautiful room. that blossoms in the spring.

Thank you, gentlemen.

So, how was the budget? Very well. Yeah.

Oh, I think we have a wedding.

What did you decide to do for your talent?

How about you show them instead of telling them?

Oh. Oh, look at the talent.

Oh, guys, guys, guys.

Come on. Sit down. Are you going to miss the performance of a lifetime?

Break them off a piece. A little piece, please.

Golden Woman.

Shades of blue deep in my eyes like a canvas in the sky

are like the sound of sorrowful cries.

There my hope lies.

Hues of gold aglow my heart like the color of a fresh start.

My season ages set me apart.

A golden woman.

A work of art.

Oh, that is the finest writing I've ever heard.

I think we're done.

Hey, guys, hey, guys, the judges are deliberate.

Oh, my goodness.

Boy, I tell you, I had a good time at that pageant.

Oh, we couldn't tell, Mr. Brown. Kimberly had barely touched the piano

you erupted into wild applause.

I thought that I was going to throw you out.

Well, that's what I do because that's my boo.

And haters gonna hate. Y 'all just wanna hate.

Anastasia, you are a star.

You were absolutely amazing.

It takes one to know one.

Your concerto had everyone captivated.

You both were exceptional.

So whoever wins deserves it.

Hey, I think the judge made a decision.

Here we go.

Drum roll, please.

Well, congratulations.

I'm sure you're going to enjoy your spa and your massages and your shopping.

No, that's not going to happen.

Well, what do you mean by that?

Well, because she won the talent portion.

Oh, when she got on that piano, the audience went crazy.

They said, oh, play it again. I hope you didn't embarrass us and start throwing

confetti. Trying to get the audience to do the wave. Oh, I did. I did.

I didn't win the pageant, Anastasia.

Somebody else did.

Oh, was it the woman with no teeth who was giving out samples of her sweet

teeth? Oh, no.

Our teeth were good, but she didn't win. I almost got a toothache, though.

Was it the woman who fell out of the wheelchair, the one that tried to

the Janet Jackson control video? Oh, no.

She got disqualified from faking being crippled.

Don't tell me it was that woman.

Beautiful woman I'm looking at right now.

Congratulations, Ms. Golden Olden.

I can't wait to tell that fine gentleman to pack his bag and get ready to ride

these waves.

That's gonna be a lumpy ride.

Leroy.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Close your eyes.

Not this again.

Okay. I got you a surprise.

Okay, okay. What is it? Mommy or does daddy?

Okay.

Baby!

Floating shells from my collection.

I love them so much.

Yes, thank you.

Happy early birthday, baby.

Put that tool belt to work. You like that? Uh -huh.

Hit it one time.

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