Original subtitles

Good morning, Mr. Brown. Oh, it couldn't be much good unless I was in heaven.

It'd be good for all of us if you were already there.

You know, Reggie, the closest you're going to ever get to heaven is probably

standing next to me. And you're not about to ruin my good day. Not today. My

friend, why are you here?

I didn't know you were such a morning person, Mr. Brown. I am today.

He wasn't until he laid eyes on my teacher.

And if she isn't blind, maybe that'll be all he'll lay on her.

Okay, man, let's get this straight. She's not just some old teacher. She's a

sophisticated lady.

Yeah, she teaches a love language. French.

Mr. Brown, what do you know about French besides fries and toast and baguette?

What'd you just call me?

My point, exactly.

He doesn't have to know about French fries or friends to have a crush.

Yep. Miss Parks is very beautiful. She flies, the kids say. She flies.

Okay, okay, all right. That's nasty.

And smart.

Ah, you're shopping in the right section, Mr. Brown.

Having a world travel lover is a blessing. Yes, she's traveled locally

the state.

Well, I think it's cute.

You know, I used to speak a little French myself.

Si, senor.

Oh.

Potato, potato.

You know, for a long time, I thought my third husband could speak it because

during the heat of the moment, he would always scream, whee, whee, whee. Then I

found out it was just because he had to get up to use the pot.

This Anastasia is always so nasty.

That's what makes her delightful.

Today I came to show for the young buck to school.

I'm going to ask God on a second date.

Yep. And I'm going to ask him French.

I know I love French.

That's horrible.

And that means will you sleep with me tonight?

Boy. That's nasty. How you know that?

I'm not a kid anymore, okay?

It was a crazy night. Let's just say that saying works.

You know what I mean?

Relax, boy.

Relax. Get her, get her, get her. Look, look, look, look. I just had to analyze

a French song for class. That's it.

Can we go now?

Yeah, don't forget your breakfast, Philip.

Oh, I'm fine. Thanks, Ma. You've been saying that all week, Philip. Oh, that's

because he said he don't like your cooking. No, I didn't. You didn't say

No, I didn't.

No, I never said that.

Go. Why would you say that? Why would you say that?

I'm sorry, Mr. Reginald. Here you go.

I like your cooking.

Thank you, F .A.

Oh,

let me get you some more syrup. Hold on one second.

We'll make it if we stay together.

I tell you, it is assuming that no train is approaching.

Okay,

hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.

You are now looking at a soon -to -be -hitched man.

I found my gladest night to my pips, my sweet to my sour, and my pigs to my

blanket. And if you slip up the milk in another man's coffee.

I have you to know she said yes to me.

Oh,

you proposed?

No, ain't nobody desperate.

I'm going to propose on the third date.

How exciting.

My almost seventh husband proposed to me on our second date from a hot air

balloon. And then it popped.

It's a $10 ,000 engagement ring floating in the Atlantic.

I'm trying to pick between these two ensembles. What y 'all think?

Well, one looks like a peacock and the other one looks like a pineapple.

They're both.

Perfect. You are taking her to the circus.

I have you to know I have a resurrection to foo -foo, my boo.

Do you mean resurrection?

Yes. Fofo, my boo.

You're going all out.

A co -star from Black and a Ghost of France took me there once.

Later that night, he had me dressed up like a French maid and I polished his

pipe.

Stop being nasty.

You know, for the first time, I'm feeling so nerveless. Oh, just be

Well, that sure is thinking, Chancellor.

Mr. Brown, remember she's a human being just like you. True.

Like my late mother used to say.

She's supposed to be, and she is gone like the hens.

What?

Mr. Brown.

Just put on a nice suit and tie, go to that restaurant, and enjoy your date.

Yeah, so take this with you because when she leaves, never to be seen again, you

have something to cry into.

Hey, shut up. I got a date.

I don't want to be late.

It's going to be great.

What is this?

Hmm? You see this?

That's mold.

Dang. It looked like plates with dried up food on it.

Get in.

From underneath your bed.

This is like three plates in my home cooked food, boy.

That I slaved in the kitchen over. You know how much time this took me?

Not much.

What's up, babe?

Now go over there and talk to your son.

Did you get kicked out of P .E. class again?

No. No, no, no. He left.

Plates of food underneath his bed.

Plates. Man, that's why your room smells like a dead animal. Why would you do

that?

Oh, that's what you want to do? We going to do that?

Okay. Okay.

It's the same reason you took me out to eat last week, so you can say that we

ate already when we got home.

Nah.

Nah, nah.

I said that because we both was hungry and couldn't wait, remember? Oh, yeah,

were really hungry.

I don't remember being that hungry. Okay, then why did you buy extra food so

could have leftovers for the next day?

Is that right?

Is that right?

Nah, that's wrong. Oh, that's wrong. That's wrong. Okay.

Explain to me what you meant when you said, wait, what did you say?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Her chicken tastes like wood. No, no, that was a song.

That's an old school song, man. Come on, man. You know I love your mother's

cooking. Okay.

At least that makes one of us.

You know what?

Mister, I don't eat my mama's food.

You do the cooking around here every day until I say otherwise.

Okay?

Okay, I accept that challenge.

And you.

Leftover.

I'll deal with you later.

No, he lied.

Leftover. Leftover.

Once, yep,

kitchen, gourmet kitchen, it's now open.

Oh, it's smelling good in here.

Yeah, that's my secret sauce. Please, please have a seat. Okay, I get to have

seat. I can't wait to take this.

What I have prepared for you today is something I like to call spaghetto and

ballers, okay?

A slice of garlic bread there.

Oh.

Oh.

Cannot forget the fresh triple -filtered H2O.

Wow,

Phillip, this is amazing. Thank you, thank you. Oh, my God.

How long did it take you to cook this?

What time is it?

Probably about 30 minutes. Give or take a couple hours.

Boy,

let me tell you something.

I will pay money for this, okay? Thank you. Let me see.

Thank you.

Wow.

Okay. What is it about how to burn like this, boy?

What can I say? It's all natural.

Call me Chef Boy RP.

Thank you.

That store was crazy.

Yes, it was.

Oh, Mr. Brown, you look so nice. You like that? Oh, yeah.

It's not me. It's him. Oh, come on. It's him living in me. Amen.

Shining bright like a diamond. Yes.

Yes. Look at me. Look at me. Oh, man.

Oh, listen, so Miss Parks can marry me.

I'm going to decorate the dining room table.

I would help cook, but I think that's what killed my second husband.

Lord have mercy. Miss Brown, I got to get out of here, okay?

But I told him I would leave choir rehearsal tonight, so put those flowers

vase. Okay.

And be yourself tonight, all right? All right. That's your well -behaved side

only. Y 'all have a good evening. I'll talk to y 'all later.

Phillip,

baby, this was so good.

Thank you, thank you. Jeremy and I are about to go to the movies.

Y 'all going where?

To the movies.

Well, who's going to be here to help me? I can't make no French food.

You know what?

I have the perfect person for you, Mr. Brown.

They are well -versed in international cuisines.

Introducing Mr. Chef Boyard P.

No, no, I couldn't. I really couldn't. No, no, no. No, baby, stop it.

Good. It wasn't that good. She's over -exaggerated.

Mediocre at best. Mr. Brown, who are you going to listen to me and him? Okay, I

told you the food was good now.

Listen, I'm the one that made it.

I don't know why you're being so modest.

Mr. Brown, check this out.

I don't know why you're being so humble, fella.

Look at this.

Sure. Mm -hmm. You cook that? Mm -hmm.

What? Yeah.

Got your chef, don't you?

Let's make a menu.

Y 'all have fun in the kitchen. Bye, baby.

Tear down.

Oh, is this no secret sauce?

Huh? Yeah. Mm -hmm.

Uh,

measuring cup, measuring cup.

Sweet. Uh -huh.

Yeah, that look about right.

Add too much flour to the root or it'll be thick like your grandma's hair

grease. What website is this?

There you go, see it.

Chef Barty, I just checking on you. Good?

Yep, we good.

We good. You think we're going to be ready?

What is my name?

Chef Barty. Yep, come on now. Of course we're going to be ready. I'm counting on

you. I got you. I got you. You'll be the reason I get married.

Don't put that much pressure.

No, go ahead.

I hope you're going to be ready.

I didn't know you was this funny.

Look at that.

It was so lovely of you to offer to cook for me, Leroy.

Well, thank you. Oui, oui.

That's what I do do.

And I see we have croissants, brioche.

Baguette. Oh, and sliced white bread. I noticed that.

Yeah. Yeah.

I grew up on that.

Shut up. You grew up on sliced white bread? With Spam.

What?

You're lucky because we didn't have no Spam. We had mustard. Oh. And

Oh. And syrup.

You ever ate a ketchup sandwich?

No. But if I had known you rolled like that, we could have gone down to

Heartburn Burger Shack.

Well, we might be a mess made in heaven at all.

Did you know etouffee means smother in French?

Well, I'm going to etouffee you.

Excuse me while I go check on my masterpiece.

I'll be right back.

Smother you.

And the woman's feet were so big, the man would not rent her skates unless she

purchased a liability insurance.

Her feet were big like scuba flippers.

Excuse me.

Who invited the circus place?

Oh, Leroy, be nice. Your friends had me in stitches.

If they're going to leave, they're going to need stitches.

I enjoyed their company in your absence.

Okay, I'm back.

Y 'all can show us y 'all absence.

Let me see y 'all absence.

Effie here is quite the ham.

I'm very funny.

When a woman calls you a piece of meat, that's a compliment.

He asked me how it feels to be in a room with hard heads all day.

She must feel the way we do with you.

There is nothing more gratifying than shaping young minds.

Oh, Leroy, this food smells so good.

Are you going to share the love, Mr. Brown? Yes, with Mrs. Brown. I mean,

Park.

You know, if they're on a date, we really shouldn't impose anymore. Right.

not imposing at all. Please join us.

Oh, since you've twisted our arm.

Help me come get the chair.

You're so nice. No, I'm not. You shouldn't have.

No, really, you shouldn't have.

Bon appétit.

I've never seen anything quite like it.

What is it called again?

It's Mr. Brown's signature etouffee.

Yes. Let us pray.

Lord, I thank you for having Miss Kimberly here with me for this beautiful

romantic dinner for two.

I pray that you would soften my heart for these uninvited, unwanted, unwanted

people.

Right now, they know not what they do.

So let them know how unwanted they are right here.

And everybody said, amen.

Amen. Amen.

God has a sense of humor with Leroy.

He's like... He's too fake.

Does anybody want my left kidney?

I don't think I'm going to break it.

It's a unique version of Etouffee.

My taste buds are definitely adjusting.

I hope you're serving a pack of Tums for dessert.

What's your signature ingredients, if you don't mind me asking?

Heartburn.

Indigestion.

With a touch of salmonella.

And all marinated in sewage.

You need to add magician to your resume because you know how to make people.

It's a required taste.

You just got to require it.

You don't like it?

You don't like it.

See, when our reservation got canceled, I just wanted to make the day special

for you now.

Ruined. You're not going to marry.

How's the food?

What you mean, how's the food? What you put in there, Ebola?

All you had to do was follow the recipe on the intranet.

That's all you had to do. And I did.

Then I did what every chef does, and I eyeballed the measurement.

Is this my last date with Ms. Parks, boy? It won't be, Mr. Brown.

Ms. Parks, glad to see you.

You're still breathing. Barely.

Philip, what a pleasant surprise.

Well, it won't be as pleasant when you find out I'm the reason. You'll probably

be too scared to eat etouffee ever again.

Let me introduce you to the Chef Bar P.

The P is for poison.

Well, I am flattered that you two went to all this trouble, but it really

necessary. Yeah, you'd probably be better off if we didn't.

I say we finish our date at the Heartburn Burger Shack if you up for it.

That sounds wonderful.

You say what?

That's a yes? That's a yes. Like you're going to go? Well, I'm going to go.

Really? With you.

I'm going to go grab my coat.

Get our stuff.

Hey, so I know I'm going to check you out there, but I kind of told my

parents I ate the last exam, so I'm just hoping you wouldn't tell them I bombed

it.

I promise, if you promise, to fix your culinary skills.

Deal. And also do homework on Friday night.

We already shook on it. It's done.

I heard it didn't go too well this evening.

Yeah. The closest to French I ever want to be is a kiss.

Boy.

It's not fun being criticized after putting in all that hard work in the

kitchen. I mean, I haven't been cooking for 30 years like you, but you're right.

It didn't feel good.

Mm -hmm.

See, your mama knows how to throw down in the kitchen.

But with all the residents, baby, sometimes I just have to get food on the

table. I understand.

Mm -hmm. I mean.

Sorry for being insensitive.

It's really hard work.

I appreciate the things you do.

Oh, it's okay, baby.

I think you learned a valuable lesson.

Yup, stay away from French food.

Italian, too.

Baby,

what are you doing with the garbage?

I don't take out food containers.

Boy, you didn't cook that food.

Yeah, I didn't cook that.

Fill up.

I knew you couldn't do it. I knew it. I knew it. It had the right amount of

oregano. It had the right amount of Italian season. I knew you didn't do it,

Philly. What do you mean you knew I couldn't do it? That's traumatizing for

kid. My mom don't believe in me. That's what I just heard. It means that you're

way too lazy to put that much love and effort into something the way she does.

Now, you need to start showing her some appreciation.

You're right, Dad.

I know. And I learned that lesson the hard way.

Hey, and I heard you almost gave you a favorite teacher in the early grave.

Glad you learned your lesson.

Yeah, Dad, did you learn your lesson?

Are you going to stop sneaking chickadee chicken here?

Ooh, yeah, Jeremy, did you learn your lesson?

Yeah, Dad, did you learn your lesson?

Shut up.

Wow, so this is what we're going to do now. You don't believe in me and you're

just going to tell me shut up. Okay, okay, I hate this family.

So you mad at it.

Mm, mm.

So yeah, the chicken thing.

Mm, mm, mm.

My stomach is still abusing me.

Hey,

I think I got it. Got what?

The recipe.

I came but died last night. Well, stay out of the kitchen forever.

I don't want any more of your weapons of gas destruction.

I don't want to taste it.

I think I might be a magician.

That's it.

If you stand up like that, that's good.

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