All language subtitles for the_scotts_s01e00_pilot.eng

I'm all about the three, eh?

Family, family, and family.

I used to be working class, but now I'm
different class.

If you've got a problem with the Scot,

you better get in line behind me.

I married into this family.

I actually made that choice.

Don't call me a party girl.

I'm a party woman.

We need to invite her.

This family feud's going on too long.

I'm ready to hear it.

Why is that lassie there?

Are you going to let me do anything?

Here, Henry.

I should have arranged this event.

He's our first lass!

Mummy! You ready to go?

Right, why do you leave your stuff all
over the floor when there's a washing

basket right there?

My name's Henry Scott.

My wife, Laura, and I have been together
since we were teenagers.

So I can do this. Watch, watch.

And we've raised two fantastic kids.

They're both fantastic.

Even a boy.

I'm fantastic.

Give me a shot.

That's why you married me.

So the kids are grown up now.

So the world is my oyster.

Which is exciting.

I just don't know what to do with
myself.

Jesus, actually, honestly, I really
don't know what to do with myself.

They say blood is thicker than water,
and nobody is thicker than the Scots.

My name's Vincent Scott, MD, and I used
to be a dentist, but now I'm in the

glamour game.

Right then, my jammer, let's get these
wee lips of yours sorted.

Unless you want to keep putting on your
lipstick with a microscope and a pair of

tweezers. The MD stands for Mad Dog.

No, no, no, no.

See, look at Ailey's lips here.

See, that's what you're wanting.

I don't want to make a mistake when I'm
doing somebody's faith, you know,

because I take pride in my work.

And also because a lot of my customers
are gangster wives and I'm scared.

Here he is.

What's he doing?

Would you take a swad to this hang on,
Edmund?

He's been traffic going around the side
of his motor.

Look,

Henry, I'm not going to park a brief
like that on a street like this without

some protection.

I bet you're the type of person who
parks across two spaces at Tesco.

Oh, Laura, come on now. I don't go to
Tesco.

I want to talk to you about my master
prize birthday party, alright? It's

it's just all sounding a wee bit, you
know, church hall, 60 -year -old DJ, wee

buffet. That's what my ma likes.

I love my mammy.

You know, I'm confident that I'm my
mammy's favourite.

I don't play favourites, but it
definitely isn't me, Vincent.

Listen, Henry, is this going to be one
of these buffets, right, where you get

halfway along the table and you realise
that the second half of the buffet is

just the first half repeated again
because... I hate that, Henry.

Aye, so you can queue at both sides.

And what are you visualising, Henry,
exactly?

A big pile of totty salad on a paper
plate? I mean, Laura, you know you're at

shitey party when your dinner plate
starts to fold into a taco, right? I

have arranged this event.

Look, I'm rich.

And I think in Scotland you're supposed
to apologise for that, but I won't.

You know, I am willing to apologise for
the things that you've not got. You

know, I might say, well, I'm so sorry
for your house. I'm so sorry for those

clothes you're wearing, but that's as
far as I'm willing to go.

You're going to have to let me
contribute something to this party,

mean, you know, I hate to mention it,
guys, right? But I'm doing very, very

for myself financially.

Oh, he brings it up all the time, right?
Also, also, if I buy something, he'll

go right away and buy a better one.

I got a vasectomy, right?

A month later, he get one.

Just so he could say that he get his
done private.

I did actually ask for two vasectomies.

How could you get two vasectomies?

I thought you get one in each bar.

Maybe your mum would have liked
something a wee bit different.

Maybe we should do something special.

Special?

We're getting her a cake from Costco.

I'm a scaffolder.

Scaffolds have to be built a certain
way.

And life's the same.

imagination.

But I did once ask him if there were any
new sexual positions that he'd like to

try.

And he said he'd tried them both
already.

See, you won't even let me splash the
cash on a bespoke cake for my mummy.

The last time you organised a birthday
cake, a woman jumped out and tried to

give Jason a lap dance.

He loved it. He was 14.

I loved it.

I'm arranging my mum's party because I
know what she likes better than anybody

else. End the story.

And see as of right now, there's only
one thing missing for this party that

would want to be there.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Aye.

Colette.

We need to invite her.

My name's Colette Scott.

And this is my boyfriend Darren.

Fully. Then she'll be listening. The
burning's a wee bit. Come on, it's good.

Good. Burning's good.

You've got a Beauty and the Beast thing
going on here.

Cracking film.

Straight back, straight in your back,
you're going to hurt yourself.

Much like I did the princess.

I'm estranged from my cruel brothers.

And I'm an influencer.

Aye. She influences the government into
demanding she attends the job centre

every fortnight.

And me and my brother's been together.

Having a laugh and flagging each other
off.

I mean,

your partner's kind of shite, isn't it?

I always think a good comeback's much
later.

On the bog.

What was it you said to Henry that time?
He was bagging you half and you got off

blustered.

He said, you should come and have an
argument with me while I'm having a

And we'll see how good my partner is
then.

It's just as well you're an absolute
specimen when it comes to the physical

of him.

Well, you can experiment on this
specimen any day of the week.

Aye. Aye. Well, no slack then.

This family feud's going on too long.

Mama gave Colette ten grand to buy a new
kitchen and Colette and her boyfriend

Stoner McGregor took that money and went
to Disneyland where?

It's time to make peace with my sister.

Now, you know that nobody is more a
family man than me, right? And so this

situation between us,

I want to bring it to an end.

Okay. I'm ready to hear it.

Well. We're organising a surprise 70th
birthday party for my ma in a church

hall.

And I want to invite you.

Well, I'm ready to hear what you've got
to say.

I've just said that.

No, you haven't yet.

You know what I want to hear?

No, I don't.

Aye, I do.

And she can f*** off.

Better say apology if you could get out.

And it was the kitchen vouchers mama
gave me. It was money.

Because I was in a place mentally where
I needed to go. Oh, you needed to go and

see Mickey Mouse.

That was my Wayne's inheritance money.

By the way, flung away and letting your
boyfriend spew his ring on the Big

Thunder Mountain Railroad.

Well, do you know what?

It's actually two apologies that are
required.

Because you need to apologise to Darren
for calling him Conor McGregor.

Why? He's a Conor McGregor wannabe.

And he's a hard -on. So what else would
I call him?

You know what? You know what?

You're uninvited.

In fact, you're barbed.

Barbed? Oh, my God!

He actually hates he can find a Catholic
bear church. He's a beast, lad.

Not quite what I was planning.

And I says to her, no, I think you'll
find that Palinatini looks like me.

What are you like?

Aye, what is he like?

Oh, what am I like, Kat?

See you in the morning, Vincent.

See you.

Aye. Aye.

She about to study for her hires, aye?

I can see whatever that is.

You're not bad in the bud.

You're a married man, by the way.

Aye, never mind that, never mind that.

Colette, was she going to be gracing us
with her unpleasant?

No.

Why no?

Well, because right after I invited her,
she opened her mouth and I had to

uninvite her again.

I just want us to be past it now, you
know what I mean?

Well, do you know who I wish was coming
to this party? I'm not going to greet,

right, but... My da.

My beloved da died at 42 of a heart
hang.

One uncle died in his fifties, he had a
lung thing.

And then another uncle died at thirty
-five of indecent exposure.

Has he said indecent exposure again?

It was exposure.

Up then never.

When they found him, he's while he was
hanging out, all right? I know what I'm

saying.

I... I just miss my da.

I think if my da looks down and sees
that I've let Colette slip away for us,

he'll be very disappointed in me.

If my da had seen that Colette was gone
out with a guy who dives his beard

black, my da would have driven his bus
at him.

I thought there was maybe a why we could
have my da at the party.

How? Do you mind that time at Coachella
where they had that hologram of Tupac?

I don't know what that sentence means.

It wasn't really a hologram, right? It
was more like the projected Tupac on a

big curtain, right? But I just thought
maybe we could do a similar thing for my

da and then, like, my ma could go up and
dance with my da at our party.

You think my ma's gonna get up in the
middle of a birthday party and dance

a curtain?

I'm Bonnie Scott.

I'm a choreographer.

Used to have a wee studio in London.

Great days.

Wild days.

Before I met the great Vincent Scott MD.

I suppose you could say a
relationship... is a bit like a bath

It started off with fizz and energy and
now it's pepid and it's gone down the

plug hole and your skin's a bit itchy
and you've got a yeast infection.

So, I was thinking to get my ma out of
the house on the night of the party, we

can maybe tell her that she has to go
for an emergency scan.

An emergency scan? That's horrible.

I'm just bouncing ideas off you.

I'll bounce a spring roll off your nut
if you tell my ma she needs a scan.

Listen, maybe, maybe I should just pick
my ma up on the night.

Oh, I don't know, Henry, I don't know.

Are you sure, you know, what we decorate
in the hall and choosing the cake and

checking Doogie the Boogie's playlist,
are you sure you're going to have time

make sure that absolutely everything's
shite?

What does that mean?

It means, are you going to let me do
anything here, Henry?

I'm no daft Vinny any more. I'm Vincent
Scott MD.

Aye. MD for masturbating downstairs
while I'm up in bed.

And you're drunk already, Vonnie. First
course.

I think you'll find that I've been drunk
since breakfast.

Okay.

Vincent and Vonnie like to think of
themselves as Elizabeth Taylor and

Burton. Which is fine, but me and Henry
are more like Chris Pratt and Anna

Farrah.

Dave divorced?

Shut up.

There he is, eh, Jason?

Oh, did you get it? Did you get it? Is
that the 40?

In and out my granny's house.

Like a ninja.

Oh, brilliant, right. So these are my
man's old photographs.

So I was thinking we could go through
them all, pick out the good ones and put

them up around the hall.

Very classy, Henry.

Like it awake.

No, sir.

Not a good one here.

It's, eh... Me and Henry when we were
wee boys.

Yeah?

And this one's a Colette and Stonam
McGregor, so we'll not be needing that

Is he Irish, Colette's man? Is that why
they call him Stonam McGregor?

No, he is not Irish.

Oh, thank God.

He's a fine figure of a big fella.

If he had an Irish accent as well, he'd
be wearing my fanny like a balaclava.

Terrible, Vonnie. So me and Vonnie both
married into the Scots, so we're allies.

And you always need that person in the
room with you who you can just share a

wee glance with, just to say, these
people are off their nuts.

Even if that person is also off her nut.

And off her face.

You know, we probably shouldn't pick any
photos that might embarrass my mummy at

her party, you know?

I don't know, like, one's here with a
big pregnant belly on her wedding day,

maybe. Oh, I think it's cool that you
were at your mum's wedding, Henry, you

know, in the belly.

I wasn't in the belly, Bonnie.

Henry seems to think of me as some nice
wee boring goody two -shoes with simple

tastes.

Like Laura.

You know, it's not a big deal to me, but
you were there at that wedding there,

but never spoken about like the madwoman
in the attic, in the belly.

My ma wasn't pregnant at the wedding.

She was me.

You're the madwoman in the belly.

I'm no the madwoman in the belly.

It wouldn't matter to me if I had been
born out of wedlock, but... The fact is,

my man -dad never had sex before
marriage.

No even one.

Listen, I was born premature.

The sums work out.

Well, you must have been the biggest
premature baby in the history of

then, because you were about ten pounds,
you fat weight.

Right, there's not a single photo of me
in here, not one.

Your mum hates me.

No, not at all.

Maybe a tinge.

There'll be a tinge of hatred.

Bonnie.

There's loads of photos of Bonnie in
here. How can your mum like Bonnie more

than me?

No sense, Bonnie.

None taken.

Even I prefer you to me.

I tend to ruin photographs by giving
them too much of a fashion edge.

I mean, there's a photo of me and Moira
at the bingo with all her granny pals,

and it just looks like a Gucci campaign.

Aw, look, Jason.

Here's a nice one of you and your
granny.

You look very handsome.

Like, eh, you know when you're young and
you can have a wee boy crush on one of

your aunties, but then when you get
older at Disney go away?

It's kind of like that.

But don't use that.

Ah, my mate Devil took that photograph.

He died on that bike.

He'd write ass.

Don't I look at it to be honest.

It's been a great idea yours, this,
Henry, this Chamber of Horrors display.

On a way, actually, Henry, there is a
photo of you and me at your 40th.

But she's torn me right out of it.

When are you ever going to take my side
on this?

You know what, you know what? Let's just
forget the photographs, all right?

Because yous have all ruined it now,
right?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I thought it'd
be nice. I thought it'd be nice for us

spend a wee bit of time together going
through some old memories, some nice old

photos. But apparently... Henry.

Having a nice time is just beyond the
scotch now. Oh, here. Look, everybody.

Here's a nice wee photo of that time
Henry stormed out his living room like a

big baby.

Oh my God, Vincent, you're so hilarious.

I know.

I know.

I'd be well within my rights to show up
at the party anyway.

What are Henry and Vincent going to do?

They're all fizz and they ginger.

And there's plenty I could say to Henry
and Vincent and Laura.

Bet that cow does even want me there.

Henry misses Colette.

In spite of her quirks, I miss her too.

Is that your tights that smell, Lara?

I don't know what to say at the table,
but I think your tights might be

smelling. Well, me and Colette both like
a bit of chaos, but she's wild.

I'm precise, targeted, like a drone
strike.

Oh, Vonnie, I'm so sorry, but Vincent
was found upside down the wheelie bin

outside a brothel this morning.

He drowned in bin juice.

I hope she comes.

You're looking amazing, Ronnie.

Oh, thank you.

Do you want to know my secret?

Mm -hmm.

Booth, pills, powders, and apocalyptic
mental health.

Well, it's working for you.

How's the dance trip going?

Oh, God.

I've got a competition at the weekend.

I've got no chance.

I'm going to have to sign your harding,
some wee bitches from Dundee.

You have no idea what it's like teaching
these lassies how to dance.

I mean, it's like teaching a baboon how
to launch a new cryptocurrency.

I miss taking Erin to her dance classes.

I miss the structure of all that.

Like taking them to the wee clubs and
taking them to birthday parties.

Laura, you've got that dog home
syndrome.

Your characters have released you now.

You don't have to pretend to like them
anymore.

I

mean,

why is that lassie there?

I mean...

What are you playing at here?

Look, look.

My Ailey's here because all my ma's old
pals are coming.

All the turkey necks in that room. It's
going to look like the dark crystal in

there. There's money to be made.

That's why Ailey's here.

That's all.

You know, there's something really
primal, really sexual about blowing up a

balloon. Vincent bought me such a
gorgeous dress.

He said it made me look like I was in a
Robert Palmer video.

I had to Google it.

Well, there's another disturbing family
image to add to the archive.

Hey, Jason, my young Padawan. How you
doing? Oh, I love Jason.

You know, I like to think that he's the
son I might have had if I'd have let

Laura have sex with me.

He said what?

So?

I'm not going to manage to get a
hologram in my granda.

Oh, you're joking, Laura.

But I got a big screen night, and I
thought it would be cool to project that

video of my grand's 40th onto the screen
while the 70th is happening.

That sounds magic, man. You want a wee
balloon animal?

Uncle Vincent, I'm no way... Sorry.

You alright?

I'll be very disappointed if I don't
hear the huckle -buck. You're right,

noogie.

The buffet's coming later.

Miss, that's rubbish.

Right, these are just some high -end
additions to your shitey buffet, Henry,

right? My good friend, James Kittering,
Michelin star chef, he made these

sausage rolls. Now, the pastry is just a
pastry, right? But the sausage is a

foam. Your face will be a foam by the
time I'm done.

I told you that I was dealing with...
What is that cake?

Look, I wanted to give my ma a decent
cake, all right? And I chose her

family photo.

And see the photo that cake is based on.

He's baldy in it, right?

And yet, on the cake, he's got f***ing
hair.

Which means that he's told the baker to
put hair plugs onto the cake.

See and see that pepper in the party
with stupid Vinny shite, right? Why

you go and do the one thing you're
trusted today and bring my ma to the

Go do that, please.

I'm on it. Right? Go get it. All right,
I'm on it. Ailey, you had the thought.

Right? I'm on it. I'll get my mommy.

I'll get my mommy.

What about that?

You ready to go?

So, I got to pick my mammy up for this
inverted commas charity night.

Ma.

What are you doing?

I'm panicking.

She's outcalled. She looks like a total
treg. Mammy, you need to wake up.

Mammy.

I'm upstairs grabbing all the shitey
clays out her wardrobe.

Grabbing make -up.

Right, ma.

Right.

Right, ma, listen, you're going to have
to wake up, or I'm going to have to put

this makeup on for you, all right?

Oh, in sight.

Look, I had a couple of glasses of wine
in the afternoon of my birthday, so

what? How hard can it be?

How hard can it be?

I don't even know how to open it. I
don't even know how to open it.

Just when you think the world has run
out of ways to be awful, along comes

another one of Henry's relatives.

But I'll be requesting Penny Arcade.
Your ma legitimately loves that song.

no, my man doesn't even like Roy
Orbison, Ronnie.

But she always said that, melodically,
the sash... You are a nightmare.

Right, shut up.

There you are. You want a drink or...
Blue balls.

Blue balls, of course.

Yeah, what arseholes have they sat me
with tonight?

Well... The biggest surprise of the
evening is going to be when Alice Cooper

here turns up.

I make people beautiful for a living, I
don't know. I don't know what's happened

here. Bonnie, I'm out of my depth.

I'm out of my depth here. Will you help
me? Will you help me, Bonnie?

I've got some clothes here. I've got
shoes, pants.

What do you need pants for?

Well,

once you've gone out, Bonnie, she needs
clean pants. You need clean pants to go

out?

Aye. I hope you're wearing clean pants.

I'm not wearing any pants, Vincent.

All right, go upstairs.

Your mother is right there.

Aye, aye, you're right. She is, she is.
I wasn't appropriate.

I wasn't appropriate. I'm sorry, Mammy.

Now get her pants off.

Vincent, I am not pulling your mum's
pants off or putting pants on her.

Bonnie, what is the big deal?

In ten years' time, you're probably
going to be pulling her pants off every

How will I?

Look,

to clean her arse and all that. I am not
cleaning your mum's arse. She is your

mum. This sounds like a lie, but... My
mum lives in a hut in Kuala Lumpur,

her and her much younger wife run a
small zoo.

My mum lives in Fife.

Away and shite.

See, away and shite.

Besides, we all know Laura will be doing
that if she goes to see Nell anyway.

Aye, true. It will be Laura, won't it?

She'll be there, Flina.

It will be me.

Wash my hair.

They hurt me her. She can't even wash
her windies.

Right, help me.

Help me.

Ronnie, Ronnie, do you want me to tell
you it's there?

No.

I'd like to figure it out for myself.

It's a bit of a challenge.

Is Ronnie at it?

Am I at it?

He's at it.

Of course I'm at it.

Is he?

I'm at it 24 -7.

Is that like a sausage foam?

God. Here they are.

Bold as brass.

Bolder than brass. Bold as gold.

What the f*** is going on?

I mean, it was obvious Maniclet was
going to show up.

We liked to make an entrance.

We looked honestly VIP and DTF.

A very important person.

Down to fight.

No fight.

The other man.

Food.

Fart.

We were down to fart.

Never mind.

I mean, look at the state of him.

Who turns up to a party they weren't
even invited to in the first place

a kilt?

Well done.

Somebody has to turn that looking like
Fanny.

Darren says he's a black belt at
Brazilian Jiu -Jitsu.

I mean, why make up a martial art?

Act like me saying I'm a world champion
at Mexican Gay Gordon.

And where is Vincent?

I need him here in case things tick off.

There's no answer on these texts.

One time, I tried to tell Henry that my
fists were registered weapons.

But what he said was that his fists were
registered sex offenders.

Where have you been?

Where's my ma?

She's out in the motor, asleep.

We'll wake her up and bring her in.

Henry, she's absolutely arsehole. She's
been on the wine all day.

And she's still got dirty pants on.

What? I don't care.

It's her party.

Go, wake her up, bring her in.

Where's my ma?

All of a sudden, there she is.

I don't want to stay here any longer
than I meet you.

Ariana stole ten grandie.

All right, Colette, Space Mountain shut
tonight, aye?

Vincent, your only job, Brynay, was
getting my ma to the party and surprise,

surprise... Well, Henry, that's because
it's the only job you would let him do.

Henry is a control freak.

I bet you at his own funeral he will
somehow manage to carry his own coffin.

My dad legit told me that I don't sit in
the toilet pan properly.

What are we going to do?

Laura? I saw an ambulance outside your
man's dad's house on the way here.

People were talking about a sex game
gone wrong.

What? She's balming you up. She's evil.
Listen, what was that thing you called

me last time I saw you?

Oh, look who it is.

Cock, Lesnar. What are you wearing a
kilt for? Darren, sit down. I can honor

these two.

Hey, Colette.

You putting the beef on?

You putting the beef on?

Excuse me?

Drawn strike.

Who are you talking to, you snobby boot?

That's enough.

That's enough. Well, well, Colette, come
and sit down.

You!

I'm blind.

When a fight breaks out, I've not got
time to work out who's who.

Everybody's gone down.

Another party at that bloody church
hall.

Whose idea was that?

Come on, Mammy.

Let's get you away from these people.

But you know Game of Thrones?

See the Red Wedding?

That's just like a typical family
gathering for the Scots.

But at least they got us all together.

And... I didnae, tha.

And they all live happily ever after.