Original subtitles

I'm all about the three, eh?

Family, family, and family.

I used to be working class, but now I'm different class.

If you've got a problem with the Scot,

you better get in line behind me.

I married into this family.

I actually made that choice.

Don't call me a party girl.

I'm a party woman.

We need to invite her.

This family feud's going on too long.

I'm ready to hear it.

Why is that lassie there?

Are you going to let me do anything?

Here, Henry.

I should have arranged this event.

He's our first lass!

Mummy! You ready to go?

Right, why do you leave your stuff all over the floor when there's a washing

basket right there?

My name's Henry Scott.

My wife, Laura, and I have been together since we were teenagers.

So I can do this. Watch, watch.

And we've raised two fantastic kids.

They're both fantastic.

Even a boy.

I'm fantastic.

Give me a shot.

That's why you married me.

So the kids are grown up now.

So the world is my oyster.

Which is exciting.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

Jesus, actually, honestly, I really don't know what to do with myself.

They say blood is thicker than water, and nobody is thicker than the Scots.

My name's Vincent Scott, MD, and I used to be a dentist, but now I'm in the

glamour game.

Right then, my jammer, let's get these wee lips of yours sorted.

Unless you want to keep putting on your lipstick with a microscope and a pair of

tweezers. The MD stands for Mad Dog.

No, no, no, no.

See, look at Ailey's lips here.

See, that's what you're wanting.

I don't want to make a mistake when I'm doing somebody's faith, you know,

because I take pride in my work.

And also because a lot of my customers are gangster wives and I'm scared.

Here he is.

What's he doing?

Would you take a swad to this hang on, Edmund?

He's been traffic going around the side of his motor.

Look,

Henry, I'm not going to park a brief like that on a street like this without

some protection.

I bet you're the type of person who parks across two spaces at Tesco.

Oh, Laura, come on now. I don't go to Tesco.

I want to talk to you about my master prize birthday party, alright? It's

it's just all sounding a wee bit, you know, church hall, 60 -year -old DJ, wee

buffet. That's what my ma likes.

I love my mammy.

You know, I'm confident that I'm my mammy's favourite.

I don't play favourites, but it definitely isn't me, Vincent.

Listen, Henry, is this going to be one of these buffets, right, where you get

halfway along the table and you realise that the second half of the buffet is

just the first half repeated again because... I hate that, Henry.

Aye, so you can queue at both sides.

And what are you visualising, Henry, exactly?

A big pile of totty salad on a paper plate? I mean, Laura, you know you're at

shitey party when your dinner plate starts to fold into a taco, right? I

have arranged this event.

Look, I'm rich.

And I think in Scotland you're supposed to apologise for that, but I won't.

You know, I am willing to apologise for the things that you've not got. You

know, I might say, well, I'm so sorry for your house. I'm so sorry for those

clothes you're wearing, but that's as far as I'm willing to go.

You're going to have to let me contribute something to this party,

mean, you know, I hate to mention it, guys, right? But I'm doing very, very

for myself financially.

Oh, he brings it up all the time, right? Also, also, if I buy something, he'll

go right away and buy a better one.

I got a vasectomy, right?

A month later, he get one.

Just so he could say that he get his done private.

I did actually ask for two vasectomies.

How could you get two vasectomies?

I thought you get one in each bar.

Maybe your mum would have liked something a wee bit different.

Maybe we should do something special.

Special?

We're getting her a cake from Costco.

I'm a scaffolder.

Scaffolds have to be built a certain way.

And life's the same.

imagination.

But I did once ask him if there were any new sexual positions that he'd like to

try.

And he said he'd tried them both already.

See, you won't even let me splash the cash on a bespoke cake for my mummy.

The last time you organised a birthday cake, a woman jumped out and tried to

give Jason a lap dance.

He loved it. He was 14.

I loved it.

I'm arranging my mum's party because I know what she likes better than anybody

else. End the story.

And see as of right now, there's only one thing missing for this party that

would want to be there.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Aye.

Colette.

We need to invite her.

My name's Colette Scott.

And this is my boyfriend Darren.

Fully. Then she'll be listening. The burning's a wee bit. Come on, it's good.

Good. Burning's good.

You've got a Beauty and the Beast thing going on here.

Cracking film.

Straight back, straight in your back, you're going to hurt yourself.

Much like I did the princess.

I'm estranged from my cruel brothers.

And I'm an influencer.

Aye. She influences the government into demanding she attends the job centre

every fortnight.

And me and my brother's been together.

Having a laugh and flagging each other off.

I mean,

your partner's kind of shite, isn't it?

I always think a good comeback's much later.

On the bog.

What was it you said to Henry that time? He was bagging you half and you got off

blustered.

He said, you should come and have an argument with me while I'm having a

And we'll see how good my partner is then.

It's just as well you're an absolute specimen when it comes to the physical

of him.

Well, you can experiment on this specimen any day of the week.

Aye. Aye. Well, no slack then.

This family feud's going on too long.

Mama gave Colette ten grand to buy a new kitchen and Colette and her boyfriend

Stoner McGregor took that money and went to Disneyland where?

It's time to make peace with my sister.

Now, you know that nobody is more a family man than me, right? And so this

situation between us,

I want to bring it to an end.

Okay. I'm ready to hear it.

Well. We're organising a surprise 70th birthday party for my ma in a church

hall.

And I want to invite you.

Well, I'm ready to hear what you've got to say.

I've just said that.

No, you haven't yet.

You know what I want to hear?

No, I don't.

Aye, I do.

And she can f*** off.

Better say apology if you could get out.

And it was the kitchen vouchers mama gave me. It was money.

Because I was in a place mentally where I needed to go. Oh, you needed to go and

see Mickey Mouse.

That was my Wayne's inheritance money.

By the way, flung away and letting your boyfriend spew his ring on the Big

Thunder Mountain Railroad.

Well, do you know what?

It's actually two apologies that are required.

Because you need to apologise to Darren for calling him Conor McGregor.

Why? He's a Conor McGregor wannabe.

And he's a hard -on. So what else would I call him?

You know what? You know what?

You're uninvited.

In fact, you're barbed.

Barbed? Oh, my God!

He actually hates he can find a Catholic bear church. He's a beast, lad.

Not quite what I was planning.

And I says to her, no, I think you'll find that Palinatini looks like me.

What are you like?

Aye, what is he like?

Oh, what am I like, Kat?

See you in the morning, Vincent.

See you.

Aye. Aye.

She about to study for her hires, aye?

I can see whatever that is.

You're not bad in the bud.

You're a married man, by the way.

Aye, never mind that, never mind that.

Colette, was she going to be gracing us with her unpleasant?

No.

Why no?

Well, because right after I invited her, she opened her mouth and I had to

uninvite her again.

I just want us to be past it now, you know what I mean?

Well, do you know who I wish was coming to this party? I'm not going to greet,

right, but... My da.

My beloved da died at 42 of a heart hang.

One uncle died in his fifties, he had a lung thing.

And then another uncle died at thirty -five of indecent exposure.

Has he said indecent exposure again?

It was exposure.

Up then never.

When they found him, he's while he was hanging out, all right? I know what I'm

saying.

I... I just miss my da.

I think if my da looks down and sees that I've let Colette slip away for us,

he'll be very disappointed in me.

If my da had seen that Colette was gone out with a guy who dives his beard

black, my da would have driven his bus at him.

I thought there was maybe a why we could have my da at the party.

How? Do you mind that time at Coachella where they had that hologram of Tupac?

I don't know what that sentence means.

It wasn't really a hologram, right? It was more like the projected Tupac on a

big curtain, right? But I just thought maybe we could do a similar thing for my

da and then, like, my ma could go up and dance with my da at our party.

You think my ma's gonna get up in the middle of a birthday party and dance

a curtain?

I'm Bonnie Scott.

I'm a choreographer.

Used to have a wee studio in London.

Great days.

Wild days.

Before I met the great Vincent Scott MD.

I suppose you could say a relationship... is a bit like a bath

It started off with fizz and energy and now it's pepid and it's gone down the

plug hole and your skin's a bit itchy and you've got a yeast infection.

So, I was thinking to get my ma out of the house on the night of the party, we

can maybe tell her that she has to go for an emergency scan.

An emergency scan? That's horrible.

I'm just bouncing ideas off you.

I'll bounce a spring roll off your nut if you tell my ma she needs a scan.

Listen, maybe, maybe I should just pick my ma up on the night.

Oh, I don't know, Henry, I don't know.

Are you sure, you know, what we decorate in the hall and choosing the cake and

checking Doogie the Boogie's playlist, are you sure you're going to have time

make sure that absolutely everything's shite?

What does that mean?

It means, are you going to let me do anything here, Henry?

I'm no daft Vinny any more. I'm Vincent Scott MD.

Aye. MD for masturbating downstairs while I'm up in bed.

And you're drunk already, Vonnie. First course.

I think you'll find that I've been drunk since breakfast.

Okay.

Vincent and Vonnie like to think of themselves as Elizabeth Taylor and

Burton. Which is fine, but me and Henry are more like Chris Pratt and Anna

Farrah.

Dave divorced?

Shut up.

There he is, eh, Jason?

Oh, did you get it? Did you get it? Is that the 40?

In and out my granny's house.

Like a ninja.

Oh, brilliant, right. So these are my man's old photographs.

So I was thinking we could go through them all, pick out the good ones and put

them up around the hall.

Very classy, Henry.

Like it awake.

No, sir.

Not a good one here.

It's, eh... Me and Henry when we were wee boys.

Yeah?

And this one's a Colette and Stonam McGregor, so we'll not be needing that

Is he Irish, Colette's man? Is that why they call him Stonam McGregor?

No, he is not Irish.

Oh, thank God.

He's a fine figure of a big fella.

If he had an Irish accent as well, he'd be wearing my fanny like a balaclava.

Terrible, Vonnie. So me and Vonnie both married into the Scots, so we're allies.

And you always need that person in the room with you who you can just share a

wee glance with, just to say, these people are off their nuts.

Even if that person is also off her nut.

And off her face.

You know, we probably shouldn't pick any photos that might embarrass my mummy at

her party, you know?

I don't know, like, one's here with a big pregnant belly on her wedding day,

maybe. Oh, I think it's cool that you were at your mum's wedding, Henry, you

know, in the belly.

I wasn't in the belly, Bonnie.

Henry seems to think of me as some nice wee boring goody two -shoes with simple

tastes.

Like Laura.

You know, it's not a big deal to me, but you were there at that wedding there,

but never spoken about like the madwoman in the attic, in the belly.

My ma wasn't pregnant at the wedding.

She was me.

You're the madwoman in the belly.

I'm no the madwoman in the belly.

It wouldn't matter to me if I had been born out of wedlock, but... The fact is,

my man -dad never had sex before marriage.

No even one.

Listen, I was born premature.

The sums work out.

Well, you must have been the biggest premature baby in the history of

then, because you were about ten pounds, you fat weight.

Right, there's not a single photo of me in here, not one.

Your mum hates me.

No, not at all.

Maybe a tinge.

There'll be a tinge of hatred.

Bonnie.

There's loads of photos of Bonnie in here. How can your mum like Bonnie more

than me?

No sense, Bonnie.

None taken.

Even I prefer you to me.

I tend to ruin photographs by giving them too much of a fashion edge.

I mean, there's a photo of me and Moira at the bingo with all her granny pals,

and it just looks like a Gucci campaign.

Aw, look, Jason.

Here's a nice one of you and your granny.

You look very handsome.

Like, eh, you know when you're young and you can have a wee boy crush on one of

your aunties, but then when you get older at Disney go away?

It's kind of like that.

But don't use that.

Ah, my mate Devil took that photograph.

He died on that bike.

He'd write ass.

Don't I look at it to be honest.

It's been a great idea yours, this, Henry, this Chamber of Horrors display.

On a way, actually, Henry, there is a photo of you and me at your 40th.

But she's torn me right out of it.

When are you ever going to take my side on this?

You know what, you know what? Let's just forget the photographs, all right?

Because yous have all ruined it now, right?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I thought it'd be nice. I thought it'd be nice for us

spend a wee bit of time together going through some old memories, some nice old

photos. But apparently... Henry.

Having a nice time is just beyond the scotch now. Oh, here. Look, everybody.

Here's a nice wee photo of that time Henry stormed out his living room like a

big baby.

Oh my God, Vincent, you're so hilarious.

I know.

I know.

I'd be well within my rights to show up at the party anyway.

What are Henry and Vincent going to do?

They're all fizz and they ginger.

And there's plenty I could say to Henry and Vincent and Laura.

Bet that cow does even want me there.

Henry misses Colette.

In spite of her quirks, I miss her too.

Is that your tights that smell, Lara?

I don't know what to say at the table, but I think your tights might be

smelling. Well, me and Colette both like a bit of chaos, but she's wild.

I'm precise, targeted, like a drone strike.

Oh, Vonnie, I'm so sorry, but Vincent was found upside down the wheelie bin

outside a brothel this morning.

He drowned in bin juice.

I hope she comes.

You're looking amazing, Ronnie.

Oh, thank you.

Do you want to know my secret?

Mm -hmm.

Booth, pills, powders, and apocalyptic mental health.

Well, it's working for you.

How's the dance trip going?

Oh, God.

I've got a competition at the weekend.

I've got no chance.

I'm going to have to sign your harding, some wee bitches from Dundee.

You have no idea what it's like teaching these lassies how to dance.

I mean, it's like teaching a baboon how to launch a new cryptocurrency.

I miss taking Erin to her dance classes.

I miss the structure of all that.

Like taking them to the wee clubs and taking them to birthday parties.

Laura, you've got that dog home syndrome.

Your characters have released you now.

You don't have to pretend to like them anymore.

I

mean,

why is that lassie there?

I mean...

What are you playing at here?

Look, look.

My Ailey's here because all my ma's old pals are coming.

All the turkey necks in that room. It's going to look like the dark crystal in

there. There's money to be made.

That's why Ailey's here.

That's all.

You know, there's something really primal, really sexual about blowing up a

balloon. Vincent bought me such a gorgeous dress.

He said it made me look like I was in a Robert Palmer video.

I had to Google it.

Well, there's another disturbing family image to add to the archive.

Hey, Jason, my young Padawan. How you doing? Oh, I love Jason.

You know, I like to think that he's the son I might have had if I'd have let

Laura have sex with me.

He said what?

So?

I'm not going to manage to get a hologram in my granda.

Oh, you're joking, Laura.

But I got a big screen night, and I thought it would be cool to project that

video of my grand's 40th onto the screen while the 70th is happening.

That sounds magic, man. You want a wee balloon animal?

Uncle Vincent, I'm no way... Sorry.

You alright?

I'll be very disappointed if I don't hear the huckle -buck. You're right,

noogie.

The buffet's coming later.

Miss, that's rubbish.

Right, these are just some high -end additions to your shitey buffet, Henry,

right? My good friend, James Kittering, Michelin star chef, he made these

sausage rolls. Now, the pastry is just a pastry, right? But the sausage is a

foam. Your face will be a foam by the time I'm done.

I told you that I was dealing with... What is that cake?

Look, I wanted to give my ma a decent cake, all right? And I chose her

family photo.

And see the photo that cake is based on.

He's baldy in it, right?

And yet, on the cake, he's got f***ing hair.

Which means that he's told the baker to put hair plugs onto the cake.

See and see that pepper in the party with stupid Vinny shite, right? Why

you go and do the one thing you're trusted today and bring my ma to the

Go do that, please.

I'm on it. Right? Go get it. All right, I'm on it. Ailey, you had the thought.

Right? I'm on it. I'll get my mommy.

I'll get my mommy.

What about that?

You ready to go?

So, I got to pick my mammy up for this inverted commas charity night.

Ma.

What are you doing?

I'm panicking.

She's outcalled. She looks like a total treg. Mammy, you need to wake up.

Mammy.

I'm upstairs grabbing all the shitey clays out her wardrobe.

Grabbing make -up.

Right, ma.

Right.

Right, ma, listen, you're going to have to wake up, or I'm going to have to put

this makeup on for you, all right?

Oh, in sight.

Look, I had a couple of glasses of wine in the afternoon of my birthday, so

what? How hard can it be?

How hard can it be?

I don't even know how to open it. I don't even know how to open it.

Just when you think the world has run out of ways to be awful, along comes

another one of Henry's relatives.

But I'll be requesting Penny Arcade. Your ma legitimately loves that song.

no, my man doesn't even like Roy Orbison, Ronnie.

But she always said that, melodically, the sash... You are a nightmare.

Right, shut up.

There you are. You want a drink or... Blue balls.

Blue balls, of course.

Yeah, what arseholes have they sat me with tonight?

Well... The biggest surprise of the evening is going to be when Alice Cooper

here turns up.

I make people beautiful for a living, I don't know. I don't know what's happened

here. Bonnie, I'm out of my depth.

I'm out of my depth here. Will you help me? Will you help me, Bonnie?

I've got some clothes here. I've got shoes, pants.

What do you need pants for?

Well,

once you've gone out, Bonnie, she needs clean pants. You need clean pants to go

out?

Aye. I hope you're wearing clean pants.

I'm not wearing any pants, Vincent.

All right, go upstairs.

Your mother is right there.

Aye, aye, you're right. She is, she is. I wasn't appropriate.

I wasn't appropriate. I'm sorry, Mammy.

Now get her pants off.

Vincent, I am not pulling your mum's pants off or putting pants on her.

Bonnie, what is the big deal?

In ten years' time, you're probably going to be pulling her pants off every

How will I?

Look,

to clean her arse and all that. I am not cleaning your mum's arse. She is your

mum. This sounds like a lie, but... My mum lives in a hut in Kuala Lumpur,

her and her much younger wife run a small zoo.

My mum lives in Fife.

Away and shite.

See, away and shite.

Besides, we all know Laura will be doing that if she goes to see Nell anyway.

Aye, true. It will be Laura, won't it?

She'll be there, Flina.

It will be me.

Wash my hair.

They hurt me her. She can't even wash her windies.

Right, help me.

Help me.

Ronnie, Ronnie, do you want me to tell you it's there?

No.

I'd like to figure it out for myself.

It's a bit of a challenge.

Is Ronnie at it?

Am I at it?

He's at it.

Of course I'm at it.

Is he?

I'm at it 24 -7.

Is that like a sausage foam?

God. Here they are.

Bold as brass.

Bolder than brass. Bold as gold.

What the f*** is going on?

I mean, it was obvious Maniclet was going to show up.

We liked to make an entrance.

We looked honestly VIP and DTF.

A very important person.

Down to fight.

No fight.

The other man.

Food.

Fart.

We were down to fart.

Never mind.

I mean, look at the state of him.

Who turns up to a party they weren't even invited to in the first place

a kilt?

Well done.

Somebody has to turn that looking like Fanny.

Darren says he's a black belt at Brazilian Jiu -Jitsu.

I mean, why make up a martial art?

Act like me saying I'm a world champion at Mexican Gay Gordon.

And where is Vincent?

I need him here in case things tick off.

There's no answer on these texts.

One time, I tried to tell Henry that my fists were registered weapons.

But what he said was that his fists were registered sex offenders.

Where have you been?

Where's my ma?

She's out in the motor, asleep.

We'll wake her up and bring her in.

Henry, she's absolutely arsehole. She's been on the wine all day.

And she's still got dirty pants on.

What? I don't care.

It's her party.

Go, wake her up, bring her in.

Where's my ma?

All of a sudden, there she is.

I don't want to stay here any longer than I meet you.

Ariana stole ten grandie.

All right, Colette, Space Mountain shut tonight, aye?

Vincent, your only job, Brynay, was getting my ma to the party and surprise,

surprise... Well, Henry, that's because it's the only job you would let him do.

Henry is a control freak.

I bet you at his own funeral he will somehow manage to carry his own coffin.

My dad legit told me that I don't sit in the toilet pan properly.

What are we going to do?

Laura? I saw an ambulance outside your man's dad's house on the way here.

People were talking about a sex game gone wrong.

What? She's balming you up. She's evil. Listen, what was that thing you called

me last time I saw you?

Oh, look who it is.

Cock, Lesnar. What are you wearing a kilt for? Darren, sit down. I can honor

these two.

Hey, Colette.

You putting the beef on?

You putting the beef on?

Excuse me?

Drawn strike.

Who are you talking to, you snobby boot?

That's enough.

That's enough. Well, well, Colette, come and sit down.

You!

I'm blind.

When a fight breaks out, I've not got time to work out who's who.

Everybody's gone down.

Another party at that bloody church hall.

Whose idea was that?

Come on, Mammy.

Let's get you away from these people.

But you know Game of Thrones?

See the Red Wedding?

That's just like a typical family gathering for the Scots.

But at least they got us all together.

And... I didnae, tha.

And they all live happily ever after.