Original subtitles

Melissa, you're coming.

Don't worry.

Where are you going tonight?

Being in a fake relationship is a lot like being in a heist movie.

To pull it off, you're going to need some essential ingredients.

Like recruitment, picking the right team for the job.

Once they're in position, you need a cover story so elegant and simple, no

would question it.

Then it's time to send in the mole.

No regrets.

No second guesses.

You need a point person to make the catch.

And a surveillance expert with his eyes in the sky and his head in the game.

Before you pick the perfect window to make the final drop.

Because when all is said and done, the trick to any great scam is not to sell a

convincing lie, but to let your subjects believe what they want to believe.

Actually, don't tell us. It's okay.

And then let them run with it.

I'm ready.

All right, we do need to hurry. I hate it in 10 minutes.

I didn't know Hobby Horse Roller Dave applied so much gear. Then you clearly

know nothing about it.

How's the competition?

The Saddle Club bitches are looking pretty strong. The Black Ponies are out

a rider down. And the Hobby Horse Whistler is actually back to a full

Then, of course, there is the Flying Sweep.

Christian K, he's back? Oh, yeah. Skating around like he owns the place.

Parker. Damn.

This Hobby Horse being on skate thing sounds pretty serious.

What's your team called?

We are the Santiago Gauchos.

Yay!

Cool. Oh, and Aidan, Hobby Horse Roller Derby isn't just serious.

It's life.

An underground tournament for ex -equestrians and jockeys united against

cruelty of the horse racing industry, but who still want to feel the thrill of

competing. It combines the earnest authenticity of cool runnings with the

epithetism of Topper.

What a perfect combination.

Okay, let's go.

Put me up outside at ten.

Wait, wait, wait.

Why don't we stay?

We can hang out for a bit and watch.

Oh, you see, that would be really awesome. Then we could have some friends

the crowd cheering us on. I know heaps of soccer chants.

I'm Ellie.

I'm Tim.

Hi. Uh, no.

Why not? Why not?

Because this is a fake date, remember?

Have fun trying to land your drone on a Sky Tower nerd.

But like any hype movie...

The real drama kicks off when your plan goes off book.

Henry?

Yang Yang?

Like when your stupid partner in crime bumped into his ex -girlfriend who

apparently hijacked his literary career.

Yang Yang, how have you been?

Ugh, get a room, guys.

You guys, look at us. It's just like old times.

How long's it been? Three years?

Almost four.

Really? That's flown by, isn't it?

So how are you guys?

Not too bad.

Yeah, really good.

Henry's just finished another novel.

Amazing, Henry.

What publisher are you going to go with?

Well, um... We actually have a ton of conditional interests, but we just have

figure out a few minor structural dramatic issues, but Henry's really got

handle on it this time, which is great.

Exciting. Oh, I've got to say, Yang Yang, I read Gravity Neck.

Off the hook.

Aw, thanks. You don't have to go on about it.

We all loved it.

It's ventilating.

Really? It's ventilating.

Yeah, I mean, you know... As far as fluffy superheroes and serious sci -fi

crossover goes, it's... It's really something.

Thanks, Henry.

Coming from you, that means a lot.

So, which one's your friend?

Uh... Talk to me, what is our game plan? Well, it's Christian, so watch out for

knee taps, heel traps, and any other kind of illegal snapping traps.

He tries any of that shit with dishes straight back.

Oh, yeah. And also, he's not above tampering, so check this game.

Scumbag.

Time to teach the jerk one what it feels like

to get Santiago out.

She looks good.

She is Henry's new girlfriend.

What?

Henry, look at you.

Congrats.

Thanks.

It's early days. Who would have thought we'd both end up dating hobby horses?

You're dating a hobby horse, too?

Yeah, that tall guy over there.

Wow.

He looks flexible.

Oh, yeah.

He really is.

against Hobby Horse Roller Derby safety regulations.

What do you want me to do about it, Melissa?

I don't know.

Maybe bring it to the committee for review. How can you just sit here

snacks? Well, it is a contact spot, so maybe just get over it.

Now, excuse me, but I do have another place to come and date on.

Hey, you okay? What the hell are you doing here? I need your help.

Well, that's not part of our deal, and I'm kind of busy.

Look,

my angle is here with her new boyfriend, and she thinks I'm here with...

My new girlfriend. No way, Henry.

Just a five -minute conversation.

No. Come on, why not?

Because I am not some make -your -ex -jealous -for -a -day trophy girlfriend

hire on air tasker.

Go away.

Listen, if you do this, then I'll... I'll... I'll, uh... Deal.

What?

I said deal.

Where is she?

But I haven't agreed to anything yet.

Exactly. You'll find out when I'm ready.

That was such a great race.

Too bad about the end.

Whatever. Which is a gutless prick.

Always has been.

So, tell me, how does a dweeb like Henry score a trip like you?

Actually, to begin with, we were riding partners.

Henry was just so eloquent and focused and was just a really nice guy.

He wasn't a nice guy, though, right?

What? I never had a problem with Henry being nice.

Although, I did have to remind him to stick up for himself in meetings.

No backbone.

I think he was just a little bit shy, weren't you, Henry?

It was pretty cute, to be honest.

What about you?

What attracted you to him?

Oh, you know, same thing.

I like dating a pushover.

Yo!

Check it out, babe.

First place medal.

B -b -banging.

I ain't gonna be denied, bruh.

What are you doing hanging out with these losers?

Ha, ha, ha.

Sage.

Just you ain't gonna chain, bruh.

No hard feelings, Mel.

MPJR, right?

Nothing personal, just racing, am I right, girl?

More like BLC, big league chooker.

Is that why they kicked you out of the pro circuit?

Big fish from small pond couldn't swim with a big shot, so he cheated?

Ain't nobody to prove nothing, bruh.

They just weren't ready for my, uh,

boundary -pushing style.

Lootening a competitive skate isn't boundary -pushing, it's cheating.

Hate is gonna hate.

Skate is gonna skate.

Lame. I'll see you at the next race, Mel.

Oh,

that's right.

The next event is the blind triple steeplechase, which you can never enter.

Because you need another rider.

And she's the only other skater, if you can call her that, that'll put up as you

crash. Okay.

But I'll tell you what.

I'll see you after we win.

Yeah?

See you at the love shack, baby girl.

You will.

Flying Swedes!

Roll out.

Sorry about that.

Bobby Horsing really brings out his dominant side. He's actually quite

one -on -one.

Jerry, what are you doing?

Warming up.

Christian says you don't have a third rider.

Well, I say you do.

I grew up watching the Mighty Ducks, and I think it's time the Santiago Gauchos

gave him a taste of the Flying V.

Great. Looks like someone wants to be a hero in front of a vet.

So, what's this thing called again?

The triple blind people chase?

Looking good, Andre.

The Blind Triple Steeplechase, or BTX, involves two hobby horses dragging

a driver around the rink for three laps.

There are checkups.

There are hurdles.

And then, on the final lap, there is a death -defying jump before a sprint to

the finish line.

Oh, and one last thing.

Fuck. All the hobby horses were blindfolded.

Hence the blind triple steeplechase.

Welcome back, everybody.

It's BDS time.

The most difficult discipline in all of hobby force.

The blind triple steeplechase.

I can't say anything in this.

That's why it's called blind steeplechase?

Dummy. I think there's something wrong with Henry's horse.

Doesn't feel right. Look at it. He's been in the lost property for too long.

Look. And then look at everyone else.

Aiden. Aiden. Aiden. Yeah.

You know it's just a dick. Yeah, but why is it so much shorter than everyone

else's? Look at it.

Oh, it's on.

David. David.

David.

Swedes pull up a double upset against Santiago. Calcos with only two.

What? We have to finish the race Fine

No, but clear the ring.

Come on, ultimate roll of frisbees in the inside minutes. Clear the ring.

Come on, guys.

Underlay, underlay, underlay.

I'm serious. Get off the court.

No, I'm not fucking around here. Get off the court.

Hey, Henry.

Well done out there.

I'm super impressive.

Thanks. I have to go help Christian with his post -game ice bath, but we should

totally do this again sometime.

Yeah. Bye, guys.

See ya.

Bye.

I'm fine. Sit down.

I'm fine. Look, if you go home with blood seeping out of your shirt from

hardwood skating abrasions, there's going to be questions.

So sit down and let me take a look.

Next time, we're going to totally dominate those guys.

Shut up, Henry.

What? It was my first race. I'm clearly a natural at it.

With a bit of practice, we can toast Christian, okay?

And then what?

We play the perfect hobby horse roller derby power couple for your ex every

week? No thanks.

Because of your stupid face, I'm probably going to have to exchange

pleasantries with my worst enemy's girlfriend for the rest of the season.

ain't going back there ever.

I'm sorry.

Whatever. I'm sorry, okay?

You're right.

It was a stupid idea and clearly outside the purview of our arrangement.

Won't happen again.

I promise.

You'd think after you her taste couldn't get any worse.

Jeez.

Undo your shirt.

What? Undo your shirt so I can take a look at your cut, dummy.

Oh, that's pretty bad.

I'm going to have to disinfect and seal that.

Undo the rest.

Henry, what are those black lumps above your stomach?

Huh? Those black lumps.

What are they?

I don't know.

I've had them since high school.

It's not cancer, is it?

That's not cancer, Henry.

Those are some... Super rare fine age blackheads right there.

This is going on my YouTube channel.

What? Hell no.

What is taking them so long? Maybe he had to get stitches.

Adam, you see anything?

Nah. What floor did you say it was on?

Uh, East 4th.

Yep, I'm on it.

Hey, um, that was a pretty cool Cobra move you pulled back there.

Very top gun.

Yeah, it was very top gun.

Wait, you like Top Gun?

Yeah.

Remember how I said that the real drama in a heist movie really ticks off when

your plan goes off book?

Well, when that happens, the goal is to get back on book as quickly as possible.

Ow! Jesus!

Careful! Don't be such a pussy.

You know, you're lucky that I don't have an actual pimple popping finish,

otherwise I'd be all over you.

Gross. Yeah, lucky me.

I'd be like getting drained by a giant puff sucking bleach.

Shut up.

What?

Imagine if I ever had a pimple on my penis.

Guys, you're going to want to see this.

Go you, bro.

Crap. Guess we're still off book.

This is too hot for work.