Original subtitles

Auckland, New Zealand.

Ever wonder how many 30 -year -olds are still living at home these days?

My guess is 33%. The percentage of those 30 -year -olds living at home and still

getting laid?

Significantly lower.

Ugh, this one definitely flies solo.

Fuck it.

Called it.

Private jet, baby.

Airplane, airplane, airplane, where's airplane?

Airdrop, not airdrop, airplane.

Time to grab your popcorn.

You

need

some human contact.

A nice Chinese girl.

Or you're going to start killing women and wearing their skins.

Mom, it's just porn.

Don't watch it.

You're going on family tender.

Ouch.

Family tender.

So, that's one wasabi black pepper beef, gai lang with garlic, and, of course,

my kung pao chicken noodle special.

Henry, Cindy, you want something to drink?

You're pathetic.

For the record, that's not me. I wouldn't be seen dead sitting next to

Now, if you haven't heard of Chinese family Tinder, it goes something like

So, Cindy, I hear you're an engineer.

So clever.

Oh, Henry, I hear you're an engineer.

It's like being prodded by a table of Chinese zookeepers trying to get two

pandas to mate.

Spoiler alert, they don't. And in two weeks time, rematch. Mindy's an

accountant. Harry likes soccer. They can manage a fantasy football team

together.

Lindsay is on Tinder.

So is Henry.

You two can delete the app together.

Yoke. Now, you're probably wondering why anyone would put up with this crap.

Is it some weird Chinese thing?

A little.

But the real reason.

He's just another unpublished wannabe novelist, and until he gets a big break

justify quitting his day job aged 30, this is the price he pays for living at

home. A loser.

Good morning.

No, not good, Harry.

Your father has been going through our camp.

I

don't even

like.

What's your problem?

No feelings.

No feelings.

He's too comfortable.

Who can relate to a 30 -year -old loser who still gets caught watching poor

films by his mom?

We need to see results, Henry.

Wait,

what? That's your choice, Henry.

Make some progress.

Get a second date or move out.

Hey, what's this?

You go to me and tell you the agent.

I'll let you buy it.

Yes, what's that?

Relax. It's fine. Everything is fine. They've read it. They loved it.

I bet they think it's groundbreaking.

You don't know that. It's Hancock and Hancock. They don't take a meeting

they're interested.

The last time you said that, they turned down yetis on Pluto. My epic sci -fi

label of love in favor of the more culturally exotic water dragons on

by... She who we will not name, even though China has no water dragons and

Neptune has no water.

At least my concept of Yeti moving to Pluto to escape climate change made

because Pluto has ice.

What do you want me to do? Get a declaration saying you're more

credible than your far more commercially successful and better looking ex

-girlfriend?

You could do that.

No.

Listen, you're just going to have to trust me on this one, Henry.

I need this too, okay? Like, I really need this.

You're literally my only client at this point, so if this book doesn't sell, I

might actually have to take over my dad's camper van business.

Wait, what do you mean I'm your only client? I thought your ex -wife was

a memo about her failed netball career. Well, apparently she met some life's

imbalance reincarnation coach on TikTok who reframed her inability to land a

shot at some kind of gift to keep him afloat, so now she wants to join the

national volleyball team. I mean, Aiden, hurry up! Coming!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, hey.

The market analysis took longer than I expected, eh? Oh, good.

So, I also ran the video of your pitch for time on travel through my facial

mapping software, right? And you, my friend, exhibited a trust rating of 7

of 10.

No, that's really good. That's really good. The Maxout team at KiwiBank can

before an RFP is like 5 .3. And we're supposed to be the good bank. See?

Hilary, they're gonna love you. And your manuscript is... A pale comparison to

GravityNet.

GravityNet. Come on, you haven't heard the buzz around gravity yet?

Guys.

You and Yang Yang yesterday, right?

This is about a league of superheroes who are tasked with protecting the

universe's intergalactic internet.

Yeah, it's stored inside gravity.

I mean, it's very much in the same base as your time and travel, but it's, you

know, much more emotionally engaging.

Here's the thing, Harry. Henry.

Henry? I don't meet with writers unless I'm willing to work with them.

In her shadow.

Think about it.

A cool, edgy, cynical breakdown of Yang Yang's right -to -starting, eh? Told

from the perspective of her jaded but underrated ex -partner slash

eh? Whose career has... No side slash.

combustors, um, post breakup.

But we're also looking for someone to help ghost write a memoir for an Asian

athlete who's, uh,

reinventing the game.

My client will think about it.

Thanks. You're welcome.

This doesn't even make sense.

You can't embed data inside gravity.

For one, it's not some instantaneous force. It travels at the same speed of

light like every other force in physics. So her version of the intergalactic

internet will be slow as shit.

I don't get how she keeps edging me out.

I think maybe you should take some time.

I'm not doing it, Jen. Why not?

Because. Dignity.

Integrity. Yeah, right. Sorry.

Well, I guess I can reach out to some other publishers. You don't understand.

don't have time.

The second date ultimatum. Oh, bro, you're screwed.

Okay, okay.

Right, so, like, all you gotta do is just, like, suck up a second date. Yeah.

No! Why not?

Cos, do you know what a second date leads to? A third date. And then before

know it, Auntie Linda had you trapped inside a joint mortgage for some off

-plan unit her cousin's flipping, and it's game over.

Well, then just make it a joint venture.

What? Well, you go to Auntie Linda's and you have to look through her books.

Then you find someone who hates these dates just as much as you do, but who

has parents to her piece just as much as you have.

Statistically speaking, her family Tinder universe is big enough for your

conjugate needs -to -once doppelganger to exist. You just have to procure it.

Aiden? Yeah?

You're a freaking genius.

You're a freaking genius!

Why can't I pick?

Henry, do you know why I'm the number one matchmaker in Avondale?

It's because I know about the CD... Oh, the what?

Collateralized debt obligations.

You see, I separate my candidates into two tranches.

There's a good tranche for the AAA rated candidates who are very respectful of

my family setups.

They meet, they marry, everybody's happy.

Restaurant business is good.

Then there's the bad tranche.

For the unceded, high -default junk candidates whose parents send them back

every week with no luck.

But, as long as I keep the two tranches separate, the bad tranche never affects

the outcome of the good tranche. And my CDO never defaults.

I should run a bank.

Yeah, or I can make a Chinese restaurant.

Very funny.

Guess which tranche you're in.

Exactly. So, no, you don't get to choose who your next date will be, Henry.

You're lucky I haven't banned you permanently.

Like you've ever banned anyone permanently.

It happened just last week.

To who?

She's a skin doctor.

Here comes the past explosion.

Technically, I'm a dermatologist.

But, whatever.

Melissa, don't look at me. Don't give me a phone.

You're asking me to apologize to Aunt Linda today.

Why? Just because they're dumb dates and their families can't handle the

authenticity of my female dermatologist with Tyler's YouTube channel?

No offense, Ellen.

You're a good friend.

Oh, thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Wu.

Sock up.

She

left

home three years ago.

And she's not camping at the backyard every time she visits.

Ellie, look.

Mandy and her family are visiting from LA.

See, my grandson, he's so cute.

They're so happy together.

Not like Melissa.

All over the place.

Whenever, wherever, like a Shakira song.

I love that song. I want you to immediately go to Auntie Linda.

Apologize. Go.

Now. Fine.

Where are you going? To apologize?

What up, motherfuckers?

I don't know why I said the things I said I don't know why I did the things I

did

She's good.

I'm lucky I

didn't set you up with her.

Can you imagine?

What kind of crush it would be if you two went on a second date?

Okay, fine. You caught me.

I live at home too.

But unlike Henry here, I'm still getting laid.

Oh, yeah.

Melissa, no.

I am a Spanish teacher.

I'm going to speak Spanish again.

I'm going to talk to you.

Gael, relax, okay?

I'm in Crimea.

Quick.

What did you say?

Never mind.

You are teaching me about the Spanish language? You're teaching me that the

Spanish language is 95 % body language.

No, Melissa.

Spanish is 100 % feeling.

Sentimiento.

Milika, the energy,

this feeling, it's so beautiful.

We must continue this feeling, but not now, I have glass.

Meet me here tonight.

It's warm.

We'll continue this feeling.

Hola. Hey, Melissa, who is Ola?

What's up, Mom?

You don't believe it.

Your karaoke apology song works.

Auntie Linda set up another date.

6 .30 tonight.

Tonight?

Mom, Mom.

So, Melissa, what made you decide?

Oh,

Henry.

Well...

My therapist said that I might be a sadomasochist, and if I really wanted

I should quit my job, move home, and let my parents take me on these families

interdates.

Melissa also not in therapy.

How exciting.

I wish there was chichet when we were younger.

It's easier to write down here.

Yeah, okay.

That sounds great.

Mom, Dad, is that okay?

Yes, sure.

Great, great.

Did you

see the look on their faces?

I know, right? They must be so confused right now.

Yeah, and Auntie Linda's probably telling the whole restaurant what a

matchmaker she is.

Hey, um,

listen, now that you're back on Aunt Lindy's books, you're probably going to

have to go back on these family setups again, right?

Probably. At least until she bans me again.

Okay, well, what if we did this again?

Excuse me?

Look, here's the thing. I really need a second date to avoid getting kicked out

of home, and I thought, you know, since you clearly hate these as much as I do,

maybe we could help each other out.

By going on a second date.

Yeah. Or, like, a pretend second date, if that helps.

You know, I pick you up, drop you somewhere, you do you, and then I take

home. And then we all have one less of Aunt Linda's family set -up to worry

about.

So, what do you say?

Sorry, not into it.

Oh, come on, why not?

Because I'm not in the business of giving out favours, and it seems like

need this more than I do.

But I like the idea.

Let me know how it ends.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

They're beautiful, no?

Do you know the orphans live in highly sophisticated polyamorous families that

last for generations?

Incredible, no?

Well, they also rape, but... Melissa!

No. Who told you this?

Shh.

She did not mean it.

It's okay.

Melissa, I want to ask you something.

I want you to join my communal, holistic screener society, inspired by these

beautiful creatures.

It's only for people in long -term, committed relationships.

So before you say yes,

do you think a partner will be interested?

My partner?

What? Oh, no, he... Wait, are you in a long -term committed relationship?

Yeah, of course.

Is

that

your cute boyfriend in the car?

At least she liked the idea.

If it wasn't for the super hot Spanish guy, it would have been all good.

It wasn't that hot.

At least, not on the Spanish scale.

Oh, right.

You think I can crush you from tomorrow?

Yeah, of course.

Stay as long as you want.

Thanks.

And you know, Henry, it might not be such a bad idea to write that book about

Yang Yang. You could pay your parents some rent, maybe clear up some

feelings. Unresolved feelings?

Bro, come on.

You have been pretty obsessed with outdoing Yang Yang ever since she dumped

and went solo.

Okay. First, me and Yang Yang agreed to part ways because of artistic

differences. And I stand by those differences.

And two, if anyone here has unresolved feelings, it's you and your ex -wife who

you never should have married in the first place. Oh!

Ouch.

Sorry.

It's okay.

I mean, you're not wrong.

You know...

I think this date tonight's kind of tripped you up.

What? I mean, can you feel it?

There is clearly something going on here.

Oh, my God.

Henry, you like her.

What? Melissa, you like her. Guys, can we be serious here? I'm about to be

evicted tomorrow, and this is an existential crisis I'm facing here.

We are being serious.

Oh, hang on.

Hello? Hey, honey.

I'm all done.

You can pick me up now.

Melissa? Just shut up and get over here.

See you soon.

Bye.

Hey,

babe.

Yeah.

Okay, what the hell just happened there? Pull over.

What? I said pull over.

So the second date, if I said yes, you'd go with me anywhere, right?

What? Anywhere, like a special event, yes or no?

Fine, whatever, sure. Okay, good.

We can roll it out tomorrow.

And this is... No strings attached, okay?

Zero commitment.

Uh, you can take me home now.

Okay, what the hell is actually happening here?

It was your suggestion.

Yeah, sure, but are you, like, seeing someone? Okay, Henry, if we're gonna do

this, let's keep it on a need -to -know basis, okay?

Strictly professional.

Well, I need to know that I can walk away from this cleanly.

Look... As much as I need the second date, I'm not about to just blindly jump

into someone else's trap and somehow you don't seem like the type to let your

parents drag you out onto these family Tinder dates for no reason.

Well, maybe I'm just lost for a better idea.

Really? Maybe.

What's it for you?

I just want to know why you're doing this.

Why? Because if we're going to do this professionally, then I think it's only

fair we're both transparent about what we're getting out of it.

Just so there's no room for misinterpretation.

Fine.

I'm saving up to move overseas.

Permanently. My parents don't know yet and I'd like to keep it that way until

I'm gone.

I'm thinking Chile or Argentina, somewhere where I can be a Patagonian

something. You want to be a South American cowboy?

Why? Do you think that's stupid?

No. No, I think that's kind of beautiful, actually.

Or at the very least, it's poetic.

Maybe even a bit spiritual.

Well, thanks.

We can go now.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, Henry.

Yeah? Not a word to your parents until I brief you, okay?

Sure.

Okay, so maybe he wasn't such a loser.

Just a useful idiot who could help iron out a slightly tricky situation.

I told him to lay low in the morning until I figured out a cover story for

strictly one -off arrangement.

Unfortunately, things didn't go exactly as I planned.

Harry, congratulations!

You have a girlfriend?

We're just so happy for you.

How did you do it?

We want to hear everything.

What the hell did you say?

My parents are out there doing victory laps, crying about how I got a

girlfriend. Hey, chill out, hombre.

My parents just overreacted.

I mean, there might have been a slight misinterpretation. A misinterpretation?

You said there's no strings attached. Now we're a couple.

Hey, relax, guy. We'll darling back, okay? I'm working on it. Melissa!

Crap, gotta go.

Melissa!

Hey, wait.

I guess the truth is, we're all paying a price for living at home in our 30s.

But one miscalculation, and the price goes way up.

If

I

knew it was going to cost this much, I would have just gotten a real boyfriend.

.