Original subtitles

I watched this film, right, and I just wondered if you'd watched it,

cos I nodded off at the end.

Um, Bruce Willis

and Julia Roberts, they are on their arses skint, right?

And to cut a long story short,

Julia, well, she gets run over.

Oh! And she goes into this hotel with this man

and he's living there, you see.

And she goes there to try and get him to get Bruce Willis a job.

Right? Ooh! Kath, this sounds shocking.

And, then, Julia's sister turns up.

Who's her sister? Pat Butcher.

It's very shiny. But they killed this man.

Dead as a door knob.

And then they chucked him in a skip.

And then they just carried on as normal as if it never happened.

Kath, this is madness.

So, as a copper, how does this end?

Are you all right?

You look as though you've seen...a ghost.

Oh.

I've been planning that the whole way here.

Your face is bloody brilliant.

So the funny thing is, Sandy... No, Parker.

It's my time to speak.

It's funny, when I was on my way to Gatley in that skip...

..hidden underneath a piss-stained roll of carpet

and on top of a skanky mattress,

I had a lot of time to think.

You know when you have a near death experience - well, you'll know

all about this, Parker - it makes you re-evaluate everything.

And so I thought to myself, I thought, "What does Sandy want?"

It was something Kath said to me, actually.

She's not as thick as she looks.

Oh, thank you. She said to follow your heart.

So I am, and I want out.

Finito.

No problemo. So you're going to buy me out. Eh?

I'm riding off into the sunset.

I'm not staying here, arsing about with a ten-a-penny electrical

store. I'm going to get Jean back

and I'm going to take her to Portugal.

Oh, lovely.

But this - this is more than the business is worth, Sandy.

And they say you can't put a price on freedom.

Well, it looks as though you can.

What will you do if we refuse?

Well, I'm going to go straight to the police, Diane, that's what.

And why would anyone believe you?

No-one even noticed you were missing. Hmm.

You know Gordon Proctor, don't you - runs the Grand Hotel? He's

good friend of mine. Lovely fella.

Plays the trumpet, massive chin.

He gave me this CCTV footage,

which clearly shows you three

pushing me out of a window and into a skip.

Very harrowing, to tell you the truth. So you're blackmailing us?

Well, I suppose if you want to give it a name,

I am, Kath, yeah. Well done. Oh.

You've got 24 hours.

Otherwise, I'll be along to see another good friend of mine -

the Chief Constable. Ha.

If you come for the king,

you'd better not miss.

Ooh! But we don't have that kind of money, Sandy, you know that.

Please, please, can we talk about this, please?

It's non-negotiable, I'm afraid, love.

Besides, with your negotiation skills,

you wouldn't have a cat in hell's chance.

Night-night! I'll come by the shop tomorrow to pick up the cash.

Oh, come on, Sandy, please. Please, Sandy!

SANDY HUMS A TUNE Sandy! Sandy, please!

Oh. Oh! Hope you've had a lovely evening.

Er... Safe journey home. Thanks for coming.

Thanks for coming. Bye! Safe home.

DOOR CLOSES Right, this is madness!

This is where it ends. I'll walk away.

He can have the whole business - he can have the lot.

Were you listening? He wants money, he doesn't want the business.

Agh! What are we going to do, Martin?

What you asking him for?! You can't trust him!

Excuse me? Oh, we've worked out your little games, Martin -

playing us off each other, trying to save your own skin.

How dare you? Well, it doesn't even matter any more, does it,

cos we're all in this, together now.

Well, I can't get hold of that kind of money

and you two obviously can't. Oh, well, why don't you ask Vinnie, eh?

Your fancy fella. Ask him for a loan. He's your new boyfriend,

isn't he? Not that it's any of your business,

but we are not together any more.

Bloody hell! That was quick.

What happened, did he see your birth certificate?

Childish! Yeah, that's how he likes 'em.

Well, what about the Chans? Can you ask them?

The Lucky Panda - they must make a fair bit of cash.

They're very low margins in food, Diane. It's a mug's game.

OK, what about your new fashion boss? Oh, yes!

Why don't you ask her? Does she have money?

Well, she's loaded but I'm not... Ooh, she's loaded! Oh, good for Mic!

And why would this woman, who you're keeping very bloody

secret by the way, just hand us her cash willy nilly?

She wouldn't.. Well, she won't, will she?

"Well, she won't, will she?" That's that, then.

We're going to have to take it. What? Who by? What is going on?!

Take it how? I can't believe I'm saying this,

but we're going to have to steal it. Oh!

No, no, no, not happening.

I'm not adding robbery to my growing list of offences.

Absolutely not. I think you've forgotten

that I've just had a caution for disturbing the peace!

Well, have you got any other ideas?

Have you? Anything?

Would we need to be armed? Who...? Who the hell are you?

Armed - why would we need to be armed?

Well, could we not just ask someone else to do it for us?

Oh, good idea, we could put an ad in the paper - robber wanted.

Do you think that would work? No!

You know some dodgy people, don't you, Martin?

Yeah, you two! Then you're going to have to find us someone.

Eh? No.

I mean, who the hell are you?

You look like the poor man's Thelma and Louise. Oh, bagsy Thelma.

Hang on, which one shagged Brad Pitt?

Right, I'll leave that with you, then, Martin. Kath,

we'll go straight to Dad's. We need to check he's all right.

We need to check he's sorted in case anything happens to us. Oh, God.

Bloody hell, Mr Pennington,

you'll be invited to our Christmas do next, you're here that often.

All right, Ash. How's it going? Good news.

You're free to go.

You what? How come? The man you murdered is alive and well,

eating curly fries at the Grand.

I don't....

Kath told me.

Kath told you what?

Kath told me I'm a stupid old bastard

and I ought to learn when to keep my gob shut.

Ah, she's lovely, your Kath.

How did she end up with that Parker?

HE SIGHS Christ knows.

"What an offer!" What a wanker.

Ash, how do I get myself sent down for a good long stretch?

I'm homeless, mate.

Don't know what else to do. Come on, what else could you book us for?

No. You don't want to do that, Dougie.

You know what? Right, you're coming with me.

I'll sort you something.

Pssst!

What the hell? Liam, it's me, Martin -

Martin Parker. You cheeky... Hey lads, I've found a jazz mag.

Wahey! INDISTINCT CHATTER

I come in peace. Here.

I called in to see your mam.

She sent the fags and the Wagon Wheels.

She said you're not to worry about your Aunt Lynne.

It wasn't a lump, it was just a toffee Revel stuck in her bra.

That's a relief.

Look,

I know I'm the last person you want to see,

but I need a favour.

Agh! And why should I do you a favour, Parker?

You're the reason I'm picking shit up by the side of the road.

Three used johnnies and an adult nappy, this morning.

Agh!Sorry about that.

Agh.

Thing is, I need a man. You've got the wrong fella, mate.

It was a one-off. I needed a phone card.

No! No, it's for a job, it's a decent job.

I need somebody who can handle themselves.

And there's a payday in it for you, too.

I'll see you right. OK, keep talking. How many bags?

I'm not sure. I'd say

at least a couple of decent-sized holdalls' worth.

Or maybe even a...a large family suitcase.

No, I mean how much money in it for me, dickhead?

I'll make it worth your while, I promise you.

There's a good slice in it for you and your mam -

set you up nicely after you get out.

I promised your mum I'd get her a satellite dish.

Now, you don't want to break your wee mammy's heart.

I'm getting really worried now.

Where the hell is Dad?

Nothing like a bit of stress to send you into a cleaning frenzy.

Oh, don't look in the bathroom. It's like a war zone.

It's fucking horrific!

Well, at least the oven's gleaming.

They're going to be knocking this place down.

Standards, Kath, standards.

I'm not having the demolition men think Dad's an animal.

Though that might explain the droppings. Hmm.

CAR HORN TOOTS Who's that?

It's Dad! It's Dad.

That was your mother's, that. Bloody hell,

she will haunt the pair of you. Dad! We've been dead worried.

Where the hell have you been? Cop shop. Cop shop? Yeah.

I turned myself in. I told 'em, I killed Sandy Cooper.

Eh, you look shocked. Well, so was I.

Apparently, bugger's living the life of Rockefeller in the Grand Hotel.

Well, it slipped out.

Oh, bloody hell. Hiya.

Ash has saved my bacon.

Look at this little beauty.

Ta-da!

I have not got a clue what's going on here. What is going on?

Oh, it was going for scrap.

The van had been fly-tipped in Newton Heath. Ha!

Hey, good, innit? It'll shine up a treat, will that.

Will it? Anyway, we only stopped off

to pick up your mam before we head over to yours.

What's that? Well, I'm going to park up on your driveway.

Oh, no, Dad! Oh, come on!

I'll be no bother. I'll keep myself to myself. Oh.

I've got a chemical toilet in there and everything.

I'll only need to use yours for solids.

Oh, your mam is going to love this.

She loved caravanning, your mam.

I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, look, the caravan's got curtains, Diane.

That's...that's really good. Wow. PHONE RINGS

Hello, Diane speaking. Kath, I'm a bit worried about your dad.

He handed himself in. It's Bev for you.

Bev, I'll call you back. Don't want to...

What the hell's this piece of shit? Oh, shit.

Martin, isn't it?

Nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.

And who are you? Oh, this...this is Ash, um,

a friend from school - old friend. So we, er...

We should get a wriggle on, rather than chitter-chatting.

Yes, come on, we need to go.

Oh, give it here, Mr Pennington, come on.

What's he doing here? Dougie. Martin.

Are you joining the circus? There's only one clown round here.

Eh? Eh? No, please, please, not now.

I'm sorry, Dad, but we've...we've got to go. Where are you going?

To the, er... Yeah, we've got to pick up the plates

from last night's buffet.

All three of you? Yeah, cos we used a lot of plates.

Shitloads of plates. Right, let's go.

What are you getting all soppy for?

Oh, not you and all! Come on!

Sod off! I'll be fine, me.

For God's sake, we have to go!

Come on, Joyce, I'll show you your new home.

It's brilliant.

Thanks for doing that. It's dead kind.

Ah, it's no bother.

Everything all right, Kath? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, I'm going away

soon and we've still got to talk about the end of that film.

Kath!

All right!

A sunbed shop! I thought you said she worked in fashion.

Well, that's very bloody shady, that is, Martin.

I've been dying for a sunny for ages, you know that.

Look at the state of me - I'm like a milk bottle.

Right, the muscle'll be here any minute. Muscle?

Well, the heavy, the...the hired help.

I don't know what you're supposed to call them.

I've never done this before.

Oh, OK, Martin. In a minute, you'll go in. Right.

You need to distract this Mic and engage her in conversation.

Oh, he'll love that. And then, Kath, you'll nip in and distract the dog.

Then your guy, if he turns up... He'll turn up.

..he goes in, he does what he needs to do,

he takes the cash - in and out.

In and out. What are you going to be doing?

I'm the getaway driver, thank you.

Passed my test first time, I've never even had a parking ticket.

Well, you're not going to get anywhere fast in this.

It does 30, tops. Gladys reckons she can walk faster.

It's perfect. No-one will suspect us in this.

Right. CLEARS THROAT I'm going in.

You wait five minutes. OK.

Then you come in with your little tray of meat. Right.

Good luck, Martin. Thank you. Say hi to Mic.

Child! Right, I should get over into the seat, get ready.

Child? I'm a 34 double D, thank you.

God, I can't get over. Just close your legs and swing.

No, it's the gear stick. It's in the way.

Oh, God, I can't get over it. What do you reckon he's doing?

I don't want to put it in reverse by accident.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

All right? Oh, here he is.

Knew you'd come crawling back.

Eh? Good to see you, Martin.

Yeah. Good to see you, too. I was just...just passing.

I thought I'd say hi. Hi!

I was very hurt when you walked out on me.

Gave you the offer of a lifetime. What thanks do I get?

"Thanks for nothing" with a "fuck you" tagged on the end.

No, no, no, it wasn't like that, Mic.

What was it like, Martin?

Listen, you are not going to believe this.

Is it time? Give it another couple of minutes.

Oh, God, it's awful. Oh.

Do you think Jean'll take Sandy back?

Oh, I don't know. I mean, I don't know why he wants her back.

Right bitch for cheating on him like that.

Oh, that's rich coming from you.

You can't help who you fall in love with, can you?

KNOCKING ON VAN Oh!

Yes? Soz I'm late.

What the...? Oh, my God I know him. You're joking.

He's a little baby Slater.

He's shot up. What is he doing here? Shush, shush.

Nice wheels. Where's Parker?

Are you the muscle? Yeah, I am.

Don't worry about me, sweetheart, yeah?

I can handle myself. How old are you?

Mind your business, you nosy cow. Here...

..stick these on. Oh, no. No, thank you, my love, we don't need these.

I'm not going in. I'm only here to feed the dog.

I won this. Don't win anything, normally - very unlucky.

Well, tell a lie, I did win Miss Stockport.

That was about 30-odd years ago now,

but you probably weren't even born. Kath.

These sausages are definitely on the turn.

Hey, tit heads, you'd better wear them masks,

unless you're all right with your mugs all over Crimewatch.

Ah! Oh, God, he's right. It's a good point.

We'll put them on. Never thought of that.

God, I didn't think of that, either.

Gosh. Oh.

Oh! I'm terrified! Oh!

Oh! Oh, the adrenaline and the...

It really is something, isn't it? Woo! Woo!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

It's not funny, knob heads!

No, you're right, you're right. It's a criminal offence.

Sorry. Sorry, we're just very nervous.

We get giggly when we're nervous. It's the adrenaline. Sorry. Sorry.

Look at you. You are very young.

Does your mother know you're doing this?

Yeah. She gave me this. THEY SHRIEK

What? No, please.

Ha!

Oh! Oh, dear.

So this is what you want to do for a career, is it?

Well, I wanted to be a chef when I were little. Oh, a little chef.

That's sweet. Very sweet. Yeah.

Do you think that's five minutes? Yeah, that's five minutes.

Go, Kath. Go, Kath. Go, Kath. Sh!

What? It's code names. Oh, code names, yes, so sorry.

Yes, go, um... Julia. Julia, Julia. And I'm Pat. Pat.

Pat and Julia. Thank you, Pat. Then the Little Chef follows.

Good luck.

Oh! Oh.

For God's sake, Kath - Julia!

Julia, Julia, Julia.

DOG GROWLS Oh.

Hello. Do you want a meat raffle?

DOG BARKS Samson!

It's quite exhilarating, isn't it? I can see why you do it, actually.

PHONE RINGS Oh, sorry.

Oh, that'll be my friend Marjorie, trying to flog me more Tupperware.

I should get it. No, I'll leave it.

Just leave it. No, I should get it. Shall I get it?

No! No, I'll get it.

Oh!

Hello, Di... Dying to speak to you. Pat here.

Shitting hell! Kath.

Dog's an animal! It's Bev. Oh.

It's about Gladys. Hello?

Yeah.

I'll get there now.

I've got to go. I know. You need to get out.

I'll be back to pick you up. Come on, I'll take you.

Good luck.

And this Matthew's a drag queen, right?

Like a Dame Edna minus the glasses -

and the accent. Sod all like Dame Edna, then.

Yeah, but they'll always need handbags and shoes.

Do you do shoes, big shoes?

All right, shitbags, where's the money?

It looks like a robbery. What'll we do?

What's this, trick or treat? Well, I'm not a fucking treat, am I?

No, you're not, son, and you're making a big mistake,

let me tell you that.

Do you know who you're messing with? Do you know who you're messing with?

Spuggie from Byker Grove, by the look of it.

I-I really think we should co-operate.

Empty your pockets, then, because I'm giving him sod all.

You, sunshine, can whistle.

Stick your hands up in the air!

Oh, I really think we should do as he says - he has a gun.

Yeah, listen to cloud head, nobody gets hurt.

Now, where's the money?

Bloody 'ell.

Where did you say the cash was, Parker? What's he saying?!

He's just asking me to give him my wallet.

Yeah. Yeah, watch and wallet.

No, you don't need my watch, mate. It was my dad's!

Watch and wallet. Now.

Bloody hell!

It's a nervous tic.

Who the hell are they?

Never you mind! Samson!

Ha, Samson's at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Before I lose my shit, where the hell do you keep your cash?

In the Bradford & Bingley, what's it to you?

Tell us where t'money is.

Or I'll shoot him in the arm. It's in there, mate.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Kath! Kath!

I'm coming with you. No, you need to get back for Martin.

You're the getaway driver.

Are you sure you're going to be OK? Yeah.

It'll just be trapped wind or summat.

Poor Gladys is a slave to her bowels.

Oh!

I love you, Julia.

You too, Pat.

Go on.

Oh, heaven's to Betsy!

Er, can you get out?

Gladys!

Why's the door locked?

Is she all right? What's happened?

So sorry, Kath.

I'll just go straight in and see her. I'll go in now.

Too late. I'm so sorry.

And you'd better not follow me out.

Where's the bastard bus?

What the hell happened to you?

Somebody squealed.

Believe me, when I find out who put that little shit up to this,

I'll be wearing their bollocks for earrings.

And you'd do right, Mic. Shall I'll go after him, see where he's gone?

All right! Show's over, back to work.

Number three, who taught you to write?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Good job, Ryan.

Very good. Haven't you got big?

Hey, nice touch taking my dad's watch and wallet, too.

I'll have them back now, please. In your dreams, knob rash. Eh?

Cheeky little...

Oh, what the...?

Diane? I had to take Kath back to the home and this lot just got in.

Oh, brilliant, now we've got six witnesses.

Excellent job, Diane, well done.

All right, Nelly, Alice?

I feel sick.

Right. Yeah. Go, go, go, go!

Where's Saleem?

Rotherham!

She wasn't right yesterday.

She was sat here and she wasn't right.

Do you think she looked right?

She hadn't been right for a while, Kath.

She was just good at hiding it.

What happened?

It was her heart.

She had the kindest heart.

She did. She really did.

And a vicious tongue. That's why we got on.

I'll never forgive myself.

I should have been here with her. I should have rang you back

and I should have stayed here with her, instead of titting about.

You couldn't have known, love.

I should have known, Betty.

She was my best mate.

I'm a selfish cow.

Hey, Kath Pennington, you stop talking like that, do you hear?

Gladys would not have wanted you talking like that.

She'd tell you to stop feeling bloody sorry

for yourself, wouldn't she?

Then she'd make you laugh by telling you a funny story about that

time she gave a handjob to that squaddie.

Hmm. She bloody loved Remembrance Sunday.

She thought the world of you, you know, Kath? Yeah.

We all do, mate.

What were her last words?

She asked me if I wanted an Extra Strong mint.

Aw.

She said, "Do you want an Extra Strong mint?"

Oh.

Thoughtful to the end.

I don't know what I'm going to do...do without her.

She wanted you to have this.

Oh, they're never going to fit me - she was like a Borrower.

Just open it.

Oh.

Aw!

She said you'd know what to do with it.

We did it, Kath. It all went to plan.

We're at the shop. Call me when you get this.

I think we should keep our heads down for a bit.

Will Mic call the police? Definitely not.

She's running a bloody sweat shop there. I'd no idea.

Bent as! A sweat shop? Yeah.

Knock-off handbags and shit.

If only we could get 'em to knock us out a few tellies, eh?

Oh, my God! Martin...

..we are actual criminals. How the hell did we get into all this?

Yes, but we're in it together now. We're back in business.

Oh, don't make it worse, Martin. Ahem! Sandy!

Martin. Hopefully, we can put this whole misunderstanding

behind us now. We have your money. All of it?

All of it. I'm impressed. You can count it, if you like.

Oh, I'm sure that won't be necessary, Diane. I trust you.

Which is mental, considering, a couple of days ago,

you left me for dead. In a skip!

Nah-ah!

No tape, no money.

Why weren't you like this when we were working together?

Because you wouldn't let me.

Can't believe you're walking away from all this, Sandy.

Choosing a woman over business. Never thought I'd see the day.

What, you're getting soft in your old age?

Soft? I've more than doubled my investment

in this place in less than two years.

Oh, I'm not the one who's going soft.

Jean said no, by the way.

Turns out Kath was wrong.

She doesn't want a place in the sun.

She's moving to Carlisle with her man boy.

They're going to open up a tennis school for veterans. Hmm.

So I'm going to use this

to put in a bid on the building across the road.

Looks like Coopers & Co could be back in business.

Every cloud, eh?

Ta-ra! Brilliant.

Brilliant! Just what I need.

It's fine, Diane, we've got this.

It's a new start for everyone.

I just want to make Kath happy.

Ah. You can lock up, Martin. Yeah.

I've got, er, someone -

something...

..I need to do.

Oh, and, er,

we need more Germolene.

Shattered Dreams by Johnny Hates Jazz

What an offer!

Top deal!

Yeah, don't get too comfortable, you'll be moving, Mr Hairdryer.

PHONE RINGS

SHE SIGHS

Thank you for calling Parker's Power and Electricals.

We're busy selling top-quality electrical goods right now,

so please leave a message after the beep.

MESSAGE BEEP

Martin? Martin, it's me.

Please pick up the phone.

I got Diane's message.

I'm glad it's sorted with Sandy and the money.

I'm pleased for you, Martin.

You've got everything you've always wanted now.

But what about me?

I'm so tired of trying to make everyone else happy all the time.

And I think it's time for me to be happy.

I'm going away for a bit. What?

The taxi's here. Wait. Bye, Martin.

Kath, I'm here.

CAR HORN TOOTS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGING

PHONE RINGS

Die for me

Airport, love? Yeah, please.

Who's Kath?

Mind your own.

How's your case going?

Yeah, good.

You look fuck all like Bruce Willis.

Walls Come Tumbling Down by The Style Council

and relax