Original subtitles

HEARTBEAT THUDS

Oh, forgive me, sisters.

Hi, Alison! Happy birthday!

Keep an eye on Kath. I think she's losing it.

If we go down, he goes down.

It's always the secrets. There's a man dead!

Head Over Heels by Tears For Fears

MUSIC STOPS

HE CHUCKLES What's with the beehive?

It's Alison's 18th birthday party, not a bloody fancy dress.

Martin, do you still fancy me?

Course I do.

I used to be Miss Stockport.

What happened to me?

What the hell are you on about?

Just worried the magic's gone.

What, cos I haven't sawn you in half for a couple of weeks

or pulled a rabbit out of a hat?

I'm not Paul pissing Daniels.

And you're no Debbie McGee.

Oh, chicken, I think the world of you.

I mean, would I be living in this shithole if I didn't?

Right.

Hey.

Everything's going to be all right.

I'm going to get back on my feet,

and things are going to be better than ever.

How? We're cold-blooded killers, Martin.

Yeah.

But all I'm saying is, with Sandy out of the picture,

I can get back in the picture.

Trust the process.

Are you making a brew or what?

Martin, can I have a cuddle?

Yeah.

Oh, right, I've got to go and phone Alison, wish her happy birthday.

Well, wait for me! SHE TUTS

LINE RINGS

Hey, you still have to iron me shirt for tonight.

Stockport 496 0977?

Hi, Di, it's Martin.

Oh, I've been thinking about what you said last night about Kath.

Er, yeah, we thought it was chilly out too.

Can I speak to the birthday girl?

Oh, she's not here. She stayed overnight last night with Kim.

What, you allowed her to stay out overnight?

And you're all right with that? Oh, yes. It's fine.

Hiya, how you feeling?

Oh, hi, Kath! Oh, yes, you know, tickety-boo. You?

"Tickety-boo"?!

I'm a bag of nerves, Di.

So am I. I don't know why I said it. I've not slept a wink.

I'm on my third batch of quiches. Same.

Well, not the quiches. I'm just doing us toast.

Yeah, I've been to the corner shop, I've checked all the papers -

nothing. No-one's even clocked he's missing.

Oh, poor Sandy. Yeah, he'll be landfill now.

Poor Jean.

Frig Jean.

She's off having it off with Bjorn Borg, couldn't give two shits.

All right. Now, remember - we keep shtoom until tomorrow,

when, Diane, you report Sandy as missing.

Oh, no, I can't do that, Martin.

I've not even started on my butterfly cakes.

She's on her third lots of quiches, Martin. She's exhausted.

I am! And I've got to go and supervise the stock-take. Oh.

Sandy was going to do it, poor man, but he'll never stock-take again.

Well, I tell you what, I'll go into Parker's and hold the fort for you.

You-you-you don't need to worry about a thing -

you can't be going in like this.

Well, what's that going to look like?

No Sandy, and you turning up out of the blue.

Well, I'll just say I'm doing Sandy a favour,

I mean, what are they going to do? They can't ask him.

Oh, it's all too much, isn't it?

Well, if you think it'd work, it'd be a great help,

and then I can get going on my egg and cress.

Oh, but what will Tom...? KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, my God there's someone at the door! Oh, God.

They've come for me! This is it! Keep calm.

They wouldn't knock, Di! They'd kick your bastard door down! Yeah.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

If you don't hear from me, tell the kids I love them. Yeah.

Oh, and stick the quiches on 180 for 30 mins.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, God.

Oh!

SHE GASPS

Oh, God.

Oh, Vinnie. I'm not properly dressed.

I'm mid-buffet.

You left without saying goodbye.

I know, I'm so sorry.

I was having such a lovely time and you're so lovely.

It's just, erm... Well, there was an emergency.

Erm...

You awoke something inside me last night,

and I can't stop thinking about you.

Ditto.

If you want me to go, I'll go,

but I wouldn't mind finishing what finishing what we started...

..if you want me to.

Sweat by Inner Circle

I want.

Oh! Oh! Oh, Vinnie! Oh!

Well, Diane Parker...

..you're a dark horse.

I mean, it takes some to shock Mr Skip between the sheets,

I can tell you. But you?

Wow! Ten out of ten.

Oh, sorry, it's a cup, just to stop you getting ash on the eiderdown.

Oh, Vinnie, I'm so, so sorry.

You don't have to apologise. It's only a few scratches.

I don't know what came over me.

I ravaged you, didn't I? Mm-hm.

Oh!

It was like a sexual awakening.

Oh, but I can't do this - th-th-that - again.

Oh, no, it was... It was very, very pleasant.

Oh, it was mind-blowing, let's face it. But...

..I can't be in a relationship with you right now.

Cos of Martin?

And Kath.

We've got ourselves into a bit of a situation.

Wow! Continental.

Well, I don't mind your sister,

but I absolutely draw the line at Martin.

No way, not for me. No way...

Oh, no, no. Oh, no, absolutely not that. No. Lordy no. No.

SHE CHUCKLES

I've got myself into a bit of a mess,

and I don't want to drag you into it. I'm very sorry.

Now put your trousers on and...

..I'll get you some Germolene.

Lessons In Love by Level 42

Kath, where is this minibus?

If it's not back pronto, I'm going to have to report it.

Yeah, yeah. Here tomorrow, I promise.

I knew it'd be you. I saw it in a vision.

Did you now?

That and you booked in for a trim last week.

Well, the spirits say no.

It's here on your calendar, Mo. Next to "Chiropodist".

Did you manage to get your toenails done?

They had started to look like pork scratchings.

Come on, give us your palm.

No more freebies. Cash only.

How many times have we spoke about this, mate?

I see a sandy beach...

Sandy? Oh, very sandy.

Pissing hell.

Oh, hey. These are a bit rough, Kath.

Bit like a docker's.

Oh...all right

What's the problem, my darling?

Where do I start, Mo?

Not you.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, I'm telling her.

Who is it? It's a man.

He's got a lovely face.

Yeah.

Likes his music.

Yeah, yeah. Well, he does. Well, he...he did.

HE CHUCKLES Worked on the buses?

No, no, I don't... I don't think so.

Big fat ankles.

Spits of Dickie Davis.

No. Oh, no. No.

It's, erm...Harry?

No, I don't know a Harry.

Larry?

No.

Gary?

Barry?

No, you're... You're way off now, Mo.

Ask your mum - she knows.

Why don't you ask her?

You've more chance of speaking to her than I have!

Ey up, there's...there's some...

He's with somebody else.

Is this one Sandy?

If you like. HE CHUCKLES

Ooh, he's crying.

Well, he would be, Mo.

He's doing something. Oh, aye, aye.

Smoking.

Oh!

I never imagined they'd smoke in heaven.

It's good to know, that, yeah.

They can do what they like up here, he says.

He's having a right laugh.

Will you tell him I'm sorry?

He says that a dog what licks gets more than a dog what barks.

But don't forget to bark.

If you know what I mean.

Right, so I need to bark.

Fess up.

Yeah.

That's bob on, that.

Thanks, Mo.

Thank you, Sandy.

Are you going to do me hair, then, or what?

DOOR OPENS

Guess what?

Gladys, guess what? Oh!

I've just had a reading from Mystic Mo,

and I've got to tell you summat.

Mystic Mo? Oh, don't listen to him. They've upped his meds.

He was by the bins chatting to Elvis, Monday.

Come, budge over.

Let's get cosy.

Ooh! Oh, bloody hell, Gladys. You're freezing.

I can't get warm. Just got back from Norma's funeral.

Shit, I forgot.

No do after or nothing.

Bloody shame.

Aw, and she loved a good knees-up and all, didn't she? Uh-huh.

Do you remember her 70th?

Got absolutely pie-eyed, thrutching all over Cliff Bibby.

Nearly crushed him!

Oh-ho!

I don't want a fuss when I go. Aww.

Just sling me in bin bag and bury me out the back.

Oh, for God's sake. You're going nowhere.

Your disco days aren't over yet, Glad. Mm.

Gladys...

..do you believe in life after death?

Do you think I could live here if I did?

I wouldn't get a minute's peace.

DOOR OPENS I think I might be going to hell.

Go to hell for what?

Nothing.

I'm going down the town hall, now we've got some momentum.

I wondered if you wanted to come with, Glad. Bang some pans.

Oh, I'd have loved that, but not today.

I am absolutely buzzing after yesterday.

We got arrested, Gladys.

It was absolutely brilliant, wasn't it, Kath?

What's wrong?

Right...

..the spirits say I need to get something off my chest.

So I'm going to tell you both summat now,

but promise me you won't get mad? Right, what's wrong, love?

Me, Diane, and Martin might have killed a man.

"Might"? Come again?

Well, you have or you haven't.

Yeah, we have.

We definitely have.

All right, you lot, gather round. Team talk.

Oi, oi, oi. Can we lose the earring, sunshine?

This isn't Johnny Hates Jazz.

We sell middle-market electrical goods.

Nobody wants to see that dangling from your lobe

while they're choosing a spin dryer, trust me.

It's just a stock-take. We're closed. It doesn't matter.

That is not the attitude, Tom.

God. Does your mum even do team talks?

Sometimes.

Sometimes? Christ on a bike.

You can't run a tight ship on "sometimes".

All right, everyone. Gather round. Hurry up.

Gary, tuck your shirt in.

Right, I am here to supervise the stock-taking today.

Here on my own time...

..to help Sandy out.

The poor bloke is going through the mill.

His wife's left him for a younger man,

and he's had a nervous breakdown.

Shat himself in Iceland.

Hey, you didn't hear that from me, all right?

But, anyway, let's all pull together today,

stand proud, and make Parker's great again.

Ah. Whose is the half-eaten tuna bap in the fridge?

I've eaten it. It was lovely, that.

My door's always open, you know, Di.

You're a wonderful woman.

Oh.

Don't forget your Germolene. Oh, no, no, keep it.

It's the least I can do.

Oh!

In a skip?

People put all sorts in skips, Dougie.

I know. That's where I got these pans.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Someone in reception to see you, Kath. A policeman.

Oh, bloody hell. Say nothing. Not a word, Kath. Shit! Shit!

Run, leg it. We'll cover for you.

Oh, what a day to have a big bloody beehive.

Ash something or other. Ash?

Said you went to school together.

He could hang his trousers on my bed post any day of the week.

It's all right. It's only Ash.

You listen to me - not a word. You can't trust a bizzie.

It's fine.

Thanks.

PRINTER WHIRS

Aha!

Nice try, Sandy.

RIP...

..Coopers and Co.

Shit.

My dad sent these for Dougie.

Aw, cigs.

What can you see? Shush.

You don't mind, do you?

Me just turning up?

Of course not.

I was actually booked in to do a tint on Doreen Clegg this afternoon,

but luckily she's been rushed to A&E with chronic cystitis, so...

Very lucky. Yeah. Poor Doreen.

Piss everywhere. Oh, lovely. Glad I came.

I like the hairdo, by the way. Oh!

Got the beehive back.

How's your head?

Yeah...

..it's all over the place.

No, the...bump.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

Hard as nails, me.

What's she saying, Dougie?

I'm not a bloody lip-reader.

Don't you worry about me.

I was worried, though.

You know, I got home and I couldn't stop...

..couldn't stop thinking about you.

Ditto.

I hope Martin looked after you when you got in.

Was he in?

Yeah.

I heard that Mic's a bit of a ball-buster.

Who's "Mick"?

Mic, his new boss.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of her.

"Her"?

M-Mic's a woman?

Oh, he never said.

Has he not told you anything?

Nothing.

Oh, right.

Well, not like me - you can't shut me up.

Lisa said she hated that about me.

Aww. How could she hate you?

I wish I brought me glasses. What's she saying to him?

It's just me for the time being,

so I'm treating myself to a little trip to Spain on me Jack Jones.

Never been abroad, me. Oh?

I have got a passport, but never been out the drawer.

Me and Martin were supposed to be going to Lanzarote. But, well...

..cut a long story short,

he went missing, faked his own death,

and shacked up with the Chans, so...

Yeah, I heard.

Ash...

..I know this is weird, but...

..can I have a cuddle?

Yeah.

Oh, bloody hell.

He's patting her down now.

Oh! Oh, my...!

Sorry! Roy! Watch me beehive!

Bounced right off.

God's sake, Roy!

We need to help her, Dougie. We do.

Oh, Kath.

Crucified by Army Of Lovers

That toilet's blocked.

Hiya, love.

Forgive me, sisters.

And also with you.

Hiya!

Oh, hello, darling. I thought you'd died. Ha-ha!

Ahoy there, sailor.

Oh, Diane, put them vol au vents away.

Is that you, Matthew?

Surprise, surprise! THEY LAUGH

Oh, here they are.

Go on, cheer up, darling. Might never happen.

What the f...? BIKE BELL RINGS

Oh! Oh, my...

Be careful, please, on that.

That feels dangerous.

It feels wrong, drinking and dancing when there's a man dead.

KATH SIGHS Keep your voice down.

Everything is going to plan. Let's not cock it up now.

We just need to look like we're enjoying ourselves for Alison.

HE MOUTHS

Alison's girlfriend seems nice, to be fair. Very pretty face.

Girlfriend? No! Not her girlfriend.

She's just trying to fit in at art college.

"Girlfriend"! All right! Anything to be different.

I mean, did you see him on the unicycle? Tit.

Splash of blusher and a little kitten heel

wouldn't go amiss, though, know what I mean?

I still don't understand

why she didn't want her party at the Conservative Club.

At the Conservative Club? What, with this lot?

Can you imagine? No way. They look like a bloody circus.

I don't think I'll ever get the image of dead Sandy out of my head.

Oh, I've got a cherry!

Keep the change. What?

What? "Keep the change"? Yeah.

Who do you think you are? Bloody Rockefeller? Eh?

Oh, yeah, and you still haven't told me about this Mic.

Well, there's nowt to tell.

Well, you didn't tell me Mic was a lady Mic.

What is this, love, 20 questions? Don't mind me.

I'll just go and check on Uncle Dennis and Auntie Rose.

Yeah, I think I'll follow you.

Why are you following her now?

Oh, come on, chicken. What is wrong now?

Oh, what's wrong with me? Oh, let me think.

What on earth could be wrong with me?

It's the secrets, Martin! It's always the secrets!

And now you're swanning about town with this fancy new lady boss

without telling me. It's not like that. I've quit.

I've gone back to Parker's.

Actually, today went very well. They were very delighted to see me.

Look, you know I'm doing all this for you, chicken, yeah?

No, I don't know, Martin.

I don't know what's true and what's not any more!

HE LAUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY She's crazy.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

No, it's not my first choice, either,

but it's very convenient for the train station.

Rose, Dennis. Enjoying yourselves? Not dancing yet?

It's full of woofters! Still full of the joys, Dennis.

Where's Dougie? Well, he did say he was getting the bus in, so...

There you are.

Don't leave me on me own with him.

He's as dull as a butter knife.

And keep an eye on Kath, will you? I think she's losing it.

Hi, Alison! You having a lovely time? Happy birthday!

I don't think she saw me.

Eh? Watch her.

BELL RINGS REPEATEDLY

All right, Lindsay?

BELL RINGS REPEATEDLY

Julie!

Baby.

What? My mam smoke and drank when she was preggers with me.

Didn't do me any harm, did it?

Er...what time's Tom getting here?

He's not. It's his darts thing - semifinal.

It's been rescheduled to tonight.

He says Gary's jibbed out last minute so he has to go,

and they think the Body Shop's got a ringer.

It's his sister's birthday!

All right, why's everyone nagging at me? I'm not nagging.

Between us, and I know he's my family now and that,

but I did not like having Mr Parker back in the office today.

You're a much better boss. Well, thank you, Julie.

You don't mind if I skive off.

Er, I think you'll find that I do.

He had me running round like a blue-arsed fly.

"Get this document, get that document."

Hang on, what kind of documents?

He only went in for a stock-take.

Finance stuff, payrolls and shit.

I was hoping to nip off early and get me hair done.

I had to tong it at my desk in the end. Frazzled.

Martin, have you got a minute?

Get off!

Oh...have you got a light, love?

Ah!

LIGHTER FLICKS

Thank you.

You all right, love? Yep. Smashing.

Can I ask you something?

I tuck it under.

Beg your pardon?

It doesn't hurt. You get used to it.

Oh. Right. No, I was going to ask, how tall are you?

You're like a giant.

Sorry, it's just usually people ask me what I do with me tackle.

Oh. Your daughter's lucky.

My parent's wouldn't be seen dead anywhere near a gay bar

when I was 18. I see.

Dad's a hairy-arsed builder, very traditional.

And your mum?

Well, I've never seen her arse.

Oh!

Very quick. I'll give you that. Very quick, eh?

My mum's a dinner lady.

I mean, I get it - different generation.

I've been trying to understand, I really have, but...

..she's still my little girl at the end of the day, whatever she does.

Doesn't seem two minutes ago that I was standing over her cot,

singing Skidamarink.

I mean, it's hard.

You worry.

This is who she is. End of.

The trick is getting good people around you -

that can save your life.

I found people that saved mine. Had to.

She's going to need you.

She's going to need her dad.

Now, you promise me that you won't abandon her.

I never would.

Good. Good.

Hey, thank you.

Oh...

Er...

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Honka-honka!

All right, darling?

Hey! I hope you're enjoying yourself.

Aww.

You know I love you, kitten, don't you?

Love you too, Dad. Ah!

You, eh? Thingy.

We are very lucky. We've got two beautiful children.

Well, one. Tom's playing darts, apparently.

Again? He's obsessed.

I love the gays, me.

Oi! Give us a go with them poppers.

It's all about the children at the end of the day, isn't it?

I mean, they're the important ones.

And they need their parents.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh! You two look very cosy.

Grow up, Kath.

Oh, Alison. Let me give you your birthday gift.

It's off me and your dad.

I hope you kept the receipt. Alison!

Bit snide, that, Alison, to be fair.

What? Don't take her side. She's a slag.

Alison! She's not a slag. She's your Auntie Kath.

That's what you called her when she went off with dad.

That was different.

It's all right. Been called worse.

It was your Nana's. She left it me when she died.

I always thought I'd give it to my little girl, but...

..never happened, so...

What, a brooch? Yeah. An old lady brooch?

Yeah, I know it's awful, but Kath put a lot of thought into this.

I wanted a black Swatch watch.

It's fine. It's fine. Stupid idea. Embarrassing.

We'll get you the black Swatch watch.

What time's Dad getting here?

Erm... Well, he should be here by now.

He never usually passes up on a free buffet. No.

BELL RINGS REPEATEDLY

BELL RINGS

Finally. Mr Pennington, we haven't got your bedsheet.

I've killed a man.

Come again?

I've walloped him and I've dumped him in a skip.

Big business bigwig.

Sandy Cooper.

What are you on about, Dougie?

BELL RINGS

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Just pretend you're having fun, Kath.

Mystic Mo said Sandy's fine now he's dead.

He's been fly fishing with his great-grandad this afternoon.

Caught a trout.

What the heck have you been drinking, Kath?

Not e-fucking-nough, Diane.

Julie said Martin was asking a lot of questions this morning.

Wanting to know about finances and spreadsheets and whatnot.

Something doesn't feel right to me.

I'm beginning to think he's pulling our strings.

What's he said to you? Nothing!

Why, what's he said to you?

Nothing. I asked you first.

Nothing! Nothi...

Well, not nothing.

He just said that, if anything happens,

then it's you that's got motive with Sandy, and it's you that'll go down.

Well, that's very, very shady.

Cos guess what? He said exactly the same thing to me!

Trying to get me to agree to frame you. No, no, no, no.

I think you've got the wrong end of the stick there, Di.

No, I have got the right end of the stick, Kath.

God, we've been so stupid, both of us.

You wouldn't have dobbed me in, though, would you?

Cos I wouldn't have dobbed you.

He's not getting away with this, Kath.

I'm going to say something. Right.

Look, if we go down, he goes down. Come on. Yeah.

Very true, I'll give you that. Yeah.

Huh? We're not soft, you know. What?

You can't pull the wool over our eyes.

I'm absolutely bouncing, Martin. I'm bouncing!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is going on here?

Oh, come off it! You know!

Do you know what? I actually think you're glad that Sandy's dead.

Yeah. One, two. One, two. SHUSHING

Right, gather in, everyone. Come on in.

You want to listen to him. He's very funny.

Hurry up, I've got a bus to catch.

We're not finished talking to you, Martin.

Right, Alison, you have made yourself

a valued member of our community.

But that's lesbians for you, isn't it? Get where shit can't.

That's disgusting! Come on, love.

You're telling me one thing, and you're telling her another.

We've been chatting. Happy birthday, Alison, my darling.

Yeah, so come on. Come on.

How are you going to worm your way out of this one?

Come on, then. Right, let's get the dad up here. Here. Martin.

Come on up, love.

Look at him. Here he is, the silver fox.

MARTIN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Like if Kilroy had a nervous breakdown.

Though I do have a thing for older men -

euthanasia. Oh! LAUGHTER

Right, girls and gays, let's have a big hand for Alison's dad.

Don't clap. Don't clap. No, I'm not clapping.

Thank you.

Very...funny lad.

Very dry, very quick.

Well, I am Alison's dad. My name is Martin, Martin Parker.

And, er, I'd like to thank you all for coming here tonight

to share in this special celebration.

And, well, what can I say, Alison?

Me and your mum...

..and your Aunt Kath...

..are so very proud of the woman you've become.

Beautiful, intelligent, witty. Yeah.

I wonder where you got that from, eh?

SILENCE

Oh, look at him - he's so full of shit.

How the hell did we both fall for that?

You are the light of our life. I don't know.

You excel in everything you do, as we always knew you would.

I'm going to make a phone call. Now? So different than you brother, Tom.

Just about the ending of a film.

What? It's just a joke.

Oh. Well, he's not here anyway. He won't mind...

Sing us a song, dickhead.

You all right, Martin? What?

Yeah.

You three are fucked.

There Must Be An Angel by Eurythmics

could feel like this

and overblown with bliss