Original subtitles

West End Girls by Pet Shop Boys

SANDY LAUGHS

SANDY SCREAMS

THUD!

KATH EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY

Agh, I can't look!

We've all got to get back to normal...

One more!

And do not draw attention to ourselves.

Just be careful who you trust.

We're all in this together.

Family.

Right, Kath, don't draw attention to yourself.

Shit!

MEN CHANT Shit!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! CHANTING CONTINUES

What's going on? Granada Reports are here.

Granada Reports?! What are they doing?!

Filming some old fella losing his shit. Shit!

Get some lippy on!

Whoa, whoa. Hang on, love. That's my dad, let me through! Go on, then.

Hey! Hang on, hang on, it's my daughter. Dad!

What are you doing?! Kicking up a stink. I'm protesting.

This is a pissing nightmare. No, it is not. It's a bloody good turnout.

Yes! Lads from the Legion are here, Basher's doing hot dogs.

He's making a killing.

He's making more here than he does at the football.

Hey, listen to this, now... A-R-S-E... Sh!

DOGS BARK

Evening. Hold up. Tricky shot, this. OK.

Hey-hey!

How's my golden boy? Oh, I am fantastic. They couldn't get enough.

In fact, I could have sold more. Double, easy.

Eh?

Good lad. You've impressed me.

Bit of extra there, little bonus. Treat yourself.

This is awkward. Well, for you, not for me.

No, I'm just letting you know, a bigger opportunity has come up.

So thank you very much for everything,

and it's been a pleasure. Come again?

Well, it's just business, you know how it is.

Are you pulling my pisser, Parker? Oh, don't be like that, Mic.

I thought we had a connection. We did. We do.

I took a chance on you. Remember when I found you?

You were scraping a living delivering Chinese food

door-to-door. No, that was a one-off, one door.

There's proper money to be made here.

I'm riding on a fucking cash cow, love,

and you and me together can make it shit pound coins.

No.

I'm an organ grinder, not a monkey, Mic. And I'm needed elsewhere.

I'm taking that bonus back.

LIVELY LATIN MUSIC PLAYS

We've killed a man. Sandy's dead!

I'm a murderer.

Pull yourself together, just act normal.

What would Princess Di do?

Good evening! Evening. Evening.

Right, that's it, just be normal. Just be normal.

You're having...just a very normal evening.

Come on, chicos and chicas - let me see those sexy bodies a movin'

and a groovin'.

Uno, dos, tres.

Think sexy snake.

Kevin, you're moving like a bloody hippopotamus, not a bloody snake.

Better. Better, very good.

Right.

Very, very nice.

Hey, Di, look at you. You look stunning.

Oh, no, no. I look awful, it's far too tight,

I look like a stuffed sausage. It's not me at all...

Hey, take the compliment.

I took the liberty of ordering you Sangria. Ooh! When in Rome, eh?

So here's to a lovely night, with lovely company,

with a stunning lady.

Cheers!

Ooh, is that...? Is that Bobby Davro?

Oh, no! Oh, I'm such a butterfingers.

Could have sworn that was Bobby Davro, it was just a...

A lady with blonde streaks. Spits of him.

I'll go get you a napkin.

Hello, old girl.

God, I've missed you.

Hey!

Hey, you.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, I was just passing. What are you doing here?

Just stocktake. Oh, good lad. Keen.

Does Mum know you're here?

Mum! Your mum is out.

Out on a date.

On a date? Mum?

With who? Vinnie Hayes.

The bloke who popped in the shop the other day? Eh?

Ah, Julie reckons he's quite fit for an oldie.

He's very average, Tom.

And your mum never mentioned him to you at all?

No. WOMEN SHRIEK AND GIGGLE WITHIN

'Ey up, what the 'ell was that?

Excuse me!

Stocktake, I know what that means.

Just go, Dad, you don't need to check up on me.

Why don't you just trust me?

Sorry, love, that bounced out.

Double six to finish.

Gary... Mr Parker!

What is going on? Darts.

Don't try and be funny.

I didn't know you played.

Do you want me to put your name down?

We're up against the Body Shop, darts league semifinal. Mm.

Does smell nice in here, to be fair.

We think they've got a ringer.

Right, you, get your arrows and get home, the lot of you.

Go on. Out! Right out! Come on.

This is a workplace, Tom, it is not the Lakeside.

You won't tell Mum, will you?

Well, by rights I should,

but I didn't see you and you didn't see me.

Understood?

Right, give me the keys, I'll lock up.

You get home to Julie.

SHE SLURPS NOISILY

Thirsty girl. That's delicious. VINNIE CHUCKLES

OK, what are you after? Oh, gosh, straight to the point.

SHE CHUCKLES

Erm...

I don't think anyone's ever asked me that before.

What am I after? What am I after? Erm...

Well, fun, you know, companionship, and trust.

Definitely trust, there has to be....

Oh, you mean from the menu. Erm...

Well, I'll have another one of these blue things.

What about you? The same.

Fun, companionship, defo trust... Mm.

..and maybe some physical fulfilment?

Goodness.

Ah, would you two love birds want to make love on the dance floor?

Oh, no. Not for me.

Let's go cut a rug.

Oh, no. No.

Come on. No, this is awful.

Let's just have a laugh. No, I can't dance!

Well, neither can I. Don't be scared. OK!

Everyone,

grab your partner, don't be shy.

I'm shy. OK.

Let's do some salsa.

Going to start with a simple step, all right?

You watch me.

We're going to do, one, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten!

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven... No!

It's quite sensual, actually. That's the Spaniards for you, babe.

..S-E - arseholes to you and me. Dad, please! Arseholes, arseholes!

I'm supposed to be keeping a low profile. Sh!

ICE CREAM VAN CHIMES

Oh... You are kidding me!

I knew he wouldn't let me down.

Nice one, Gino!

Do you want a 99? No!

Well, what do you want?

Just get me a wafer.

Hey! Here's one for you -

you know, before I came here today,

I had a call from one of the lads.

Hairy Kev.

Only found something in one of our skips. Skips?

Oh, God. Oh, God, I completely blanked!

I totally forgot you had skips!

Yeah, that's my thing, I'm Mr Skip.

OK, everyone - now, we're going to increase the tempo.

Where was I?

Hairy somebody found something in a skip!

Oh, yeah, it's going to be big news, huge.

I mean, the Stockport Express is already on it, you know?

Fuckin' 'ell! Yeah. This is going to put Mr Skip on the map.

Be great for business. OK, everyone, let's change partners.

What? No! What was in the skip Vinnie?,

What was in the skip? No! Vinnie!

No, no, no, no - not in my shop.

Enjoy your last carrot, George Michael, you're next.

Yeah.

There's going to be a lot of changes around here, pal.

Martin Parker is back.

What was in the skip, Vinnie?

You won't believe it. I'm worried I might. It was shocking.

Hairy Kev was inconsolable, and he's a big fella, you know?

Served in the Falklands.

Streaked at the rugby cup final, you know the sort.

I couldn't give a frig, Vinnie - what was in the sodding skip?

Only...

..Bruce Grobbelaar's signed goalie gloves.

You what? Is that all?

Is that all?! It's Bruce Grobbelaar!

You know, old spaghetti legs? Who?

I take it you're not a Red.

Who gives gold like that away?

Savages. Look at us! HE CHUCKLES

SIRENS WAIL Here they come. The rozzers!

Hey! Come on!

It looks like an arrest is immanent as the police prepare to cut

the chain.

Where's the keys? Down me grundies.

Bloody hell! I'm not fiddling about down there.

Why are you doing this to me?

Council tosspots can't get away with it!

All right, love, come on. Time to go.

I'm trying to untie him. The keys are down his kecks.

Hey, arsewipe, that's my daughter!

I'll rip your bloody head off. Get off him. He's a pensioner!

He's a pensioner! What are you doing?!

Are you filming this? Are you?

Brilliant!

Yes, right, put down that this country

is run by a bunch of bloody idiots.

I want that in evidence, eh?

A lump of lard could do a better job.

Dad, don't say anything!

My name is Douglas Pennigton and that is my daughter Kath...

Oh, my God! ..and the council are trying to take my home away from me.

Are you getting all this? Good.

Dad, shut up!

Thanks very much, everybody. Thank you.

Sorry for swearing. Goodnight! Thanks a lot!

SIREN WAILS

HE SCOFFS

God!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, holy God!

Oh, no!

Toasters beside hairdryers?

Amateurs.

Not on my watch.

Oh, bloody hell!

For fuck's sake, Kath!

And this was in the middle of Jazzercise - I mean,

talk about time and a place. I said to her, I said,

"Marjorie, no-one wants to buy your Tupperware.

"I can barely shut my cupboard doors as it is, for crying out loud."

Well, she was livid. I mean the face on her, I said, I thought she was...

Diane...

I'm going to kiss you now.

Oh, right.

Lovely.

And so I bought three lunch boxes and a cake tin,

just to shut her up, you know? HE CHUCKLES

She was livid.

Ugh! I feel like my soul is leaving my body!

Will you sit down? You're giving me headache.

Oh, God...

I can't go to prison, Dad.

Have you seen Cell Block H? Imagine me in dungarees - no, no!

Don't talk rubbish.

Nobody's going to prison.

This'll be a slap on the wrists at the most.

Kath, Kath, this is perfect - this is just what I wanted.

Stir the pot, make some noise, all eyes on us.

I don't bloody well want all eyes on us, Dad!

Do you think that your mother would have got the vote if she just

kept asking?

No, they had to throw themselves in front of horses,

they had to burn down buildings, they had to go on hunger strike.

Mam did that?

No, but you get my point.

No, actually, I don't get your point.

You need to stop all this, Dad, right?

You need to stop it, cos you're being selfish.

You're never going to win this, for God's sake, and now you're

playing silly buggers and fighting with the rozzers, no, it's not fair.

Give over! It's fine.

No, it's not fine, though, is it?

Face facts, will you? You're fucked!

Hey, language.

Sorry for swearing, I just...

I just can't deal with this right now.

You need to move on.

I can't move on.

If I move it'll be like leaving Joyce.

Mam's in a biscuit tin, Dad, you can take her anywhere,

she doesn't give a toss.

Hey, lady!

I just need to make sure you're sorted

in case anything happens to me and our Diane.

And what's going happen to you two?

Nothing! Nothing, just...

Just promise me you'll stop.

Is there something you're not telling me,

Katherine Mary Bernadette Pennington,

because you can't lie for shit.

MAN CLEARS HIS THROAT Oh...

Vinnie.

All right, Martin?

I didn't know you salsa-d.

Oh, there's a lot about me you don't know, Vinnie Hayes.

Oh, what's happened? Is it bad?

Do you mind if I speak to my Diane in private?

Knock yourself out, pal. I'm just going to the, er, big boys' room.

Go on, then.

Off you piss.

You are unbelievable - Sandy Cooper's barely cold

and you're necking on in a nightclub like some teenager.

What is wrong with you?

Are we going down?

What do you see in him, then?

Martin?!

They've arrested Kath. Oh, my Christ!

Oh, I knew this would happen.

We should have told the truth straight away.

Why the hell did I listen to you?!

Will you keep your voice down?!

The police have got her.

It was on the telly. The telly?!

Aye. She'll be singing like a canary as we speak.

She can't hold her piss, that one.

We need to get our stories straight. You and me cannot go down for this.

It's too late - I'm a shoplifter and a stone-cold killer!

Will you calm the eff down? People are looking.

Now, come to the flat with me, we'll sort this out.

What about Vinnie? He's not coming.

Well, we can't just leave him here.

Will you do as you're told and follow me?

Quite comfy, this.

Well, you know what I'm like, sleep anywhere.

Your mam used to say I could sleep on a clothesline -

she was right, and all.

But this isn't a bad bed.

Well happen I'll stay here.

Better idea than the flat in Macclesfield like they offered.

Who offered?

Council...

..the cheeky buggers.

Who am I supposed to talk to in Macclesfield?

They're all Tories!

No, not me.

Dad, are you frigging joking me here?

Here am I losing my mind that you're going to be living off the streets

while I'm banged up...

You're banged up?

What you on about? Kath?

I've done a bad thing.

Like, really, really bad, Dad. How bad?

Bad as sleeping with your sister's husband?

On a par.

Parker involved?

Yeah. Of course he is.

Dad, I'm not supposed to tell anyone this, right?

Right... Right, and please don't shout...

Right, you're free to go.

Give us a minute, pal.

Er, now! Come on, before they change their mind.

What were you going to tell me? Nothing, come on.

Where's my banner? What banner? Took me ages, that.

It's got Council Tosspots in red emulsion, you can't miss it.

It doesn't matter. It bloody does matter.

You owe me a bedsheet.

Right, I'm making a claim.

Just sign there, Mr Pennington.

Pennington? Kath Pennington? No way.

Hello, Miss Stockport.

Oh, my God!

Ash, hiya.

What are you doing here?

Oh, yeah. Suits you, that.

You look good dressed as a policeman. Oh, thank you.

Dad, do you remember Ash? You do.

Used to live in the flats by Kwik Save.

We used to knock about together, in the same year.

Oh, bloody hell. No way. You were a right cheeky bugger.

Well, I had my moments. You were always in bother. What...?

What the hell's happened?

Went to the dark side, didn't I, Mr Pennington?

Haven't you just?

Take it your dad's not still doing knock-off ciggies?

Not as much, no.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your mam.

Oh, yeah. She was a smashing woman, and a belting dancer, too.

Mad, because she was bandy as hell,

Joyce used to say she couldn't stop a pig in a passage, that one.

Er, thanks.

Anyway, what are you two doing here? Oh...

Well, I'm being thrown out of my home.

Oh, don't get him started, Ash, you'll be here all night.

We were... We were just leaving.

Well, do you want dropping?

I can take you back if you want.

Oh, in your police car? Yeah.

No way I'm getting in a pigmobile again - I'll walk.

Can I sit in the front seat?

Maybe. Ooh!

Come on, Di. Hurry up!

Oh...oh...oh...

Turn it off!

Ooh! People could be watching us.

Like who?! CID, MI5.

Any of them fellas, yeah?

They'll be looking for suspicious behaviour.

Do you not think it's more suspicious for us

to be walking around in the dark?

I don't bloody know, do I?

Well, I thought you'd be a dab hand at it,

you were pretty good at creeping around behind my back.

I can see why you'd want to keep the lights off.

Oh, have a day off, Di.

Oh, Martin, it's like a squat.

Diane! We need to think about what we are going to do next.

We have to come up with a plan.

I'm sorry, I just don't know how anyone could give up

a four-bedroom detached for this. But hey-ho.

Step Back In Time by Kylie Minogue

Ooh...

MUSIC CONTINUES, SIREN WAILS

SHE CHUCKLES

This is ace.

Hey, Cagney, this is Lacey... RADIO BEEPS

Oh, shit, shit.

Fresh flowers.

Hmm.

Never bought me flowers.

Yeah, well happen your new fella'll get you some.

And, by the way, our Tom's very upset -

he says you've never mentioned Vinnie Hayes to him once.

There's nothing to mention.

Oh, it was just a date!

A first date, and probably the last. Good riddance.

Jealous, are you? HE SCOFFS

Jealous of Mr Skip?

I don't think so.

He's just a glorified bin man.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Right, here we go.

So...

..they didn't have cream soda, I got you dandelion and burdock.

Oh, ta.

What have you done? Have you touched something?

Nothing. Did you put the lights on?

No, I just put the radio on. Kath, no, it's not a toy.

There were some glue sniffers. Scared 'em off.

Have a fork. Someone should call a copper.

I tried, but he was in the chippy. ASH LAUGHS

You know, I still can't get my head round the fact

that you married Lisa Chambers. Ah...

What were you thinking?

She was a right cow.

She thought she was it.

Still does.

Well, not my problem any more.

She's shacked up with Derek Simpson now.

Degsy?! Urgh, God!

He's been off sick with a bad back since Live Aid. Oh.

Doesn't stop him reffing Sunday League, though.

Bloody Degsy! You know what, he went on Stars In Their Eyes.

Did one of the Bee Gees.

Kath - proper embarrassing.

Tragedy.

Sorry.

ASH LAUGHS

This is my life you're laughing at, Kath.

She is a good mum, though.

You've got kids? Sarah and Dean.

Boy and a girl. Perfect.

Yeah, they're good kids. You'd love 'em.

So, what's going on with you, then?

Married? Nah, it's complicated.

You still shacked up with that old fella? Martin Parker?

Yeah. He's not that old.

Is that his real hair? Yes! No?!

I tell you what, he's a lucky bugger.

Everyone fancied the pants off you, with your big beehive.

SHE CHUCKLES

It suited you, Kath. Give over!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that giggle.

Oh! It got you in a lot of trouble, that giggle did.

Tell you what, there was no messing with you, you were as hard as nails.

You can talk, anyway.

It was you who got me into trouble, most of the time.

How the hell did you become a copper?

Fuck knows.

Well, we've all got our crosses to bear.

Yeah.

Haven't we just?

You know you can get these curly now?

Yeah, I know.

Di? Di?!

Oh, my God, they've got her.

I've given the sink a quick wipe around.

Is Kath allergic to bleach?

What the hell are you doing? You're meant to be keeping watch,

not snooping round like Wee Willie Winkie.

I'm not snooping, thank you.

Oh, and you've run out of teabags.

Yeah, there's a lager there for you.

Since when did you drink lager?

Do you miss the en suite?

We need to initiate plan B. What was plan A?

Well, to keep a low profile,

but Kath's already buggered that up by being arrested on television.

Well, what are we supposed to do, just run away?

No, were not going to run anywhere. How would that look?

Yes, and it's Alison's 18th tomorrow. We can't miss that.

I've got 200 sausage rolls and six Sarah Lees defrosting.

Bloody hell, I knew Kath would balls this up.

I mean, this is all her fault.

Yeah? No? Yeah?

Yeah, think about it - she was the one who went

and got herself run over, then she got Sandy pissed,

yeah, and then she's responsible for him falling into the trouser press.

Yeah? Yeah.

What are you saying, Martin?

I'm not saying anything.

I'm just telling you, we need to get our stories straight

because Kath will be squealing like a pig right now.

Temptation

Temptation

Temptation

Bloody hell, Kath - you've got a voice like a fire in a pet shop.

Piss off! Right. Come on, let's go, I am working, you know?

Can we have one last blast of the sirens?

Light 'em up, partner. Ooh, I love it!

SIREN WAILS

Let's get away! SHE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY

Oh, good God, no! What?!

I haven't took Backdraft back.

I'm going to get fined. That's the least of our worries.

SIREN WAILS What's that?

Oh! Get down, get down! Oh!

SHE BREATHES QUICKLY

They've come for us! This is it, Martin.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I'm too pretty for prison.

Right.

Right.

This is me.

Oh, can I give you my number? You know...

..in case you get in any more bother?

What...? What do you mean? What kind of bother?

Oh, yeah, right.

That's why I'm driving you home from the police station with a caution!

For your dad, then. He's ace, your dad.

I might... I might need a little help, actually.

Yeah, go on?

It's just about the ending of a film. Right.

I just wondered if you'd watched it, cos I nodded off at the end.

Erm, it's about two women and a man, and, erm...

..they accidentally kill somebody.

What's it called?

I can't think.

Well, who's in it?

Julia Roberts, she's the main one.

Overrated. Go on, who else?

Bruce Willis, he's her boyfriend in it.

Bruce Willis?

I never understood that Moonlighting. Stupid.

Great theme tune, mind. Al Jarreau.

Anyway, so Bruce Willis and Julia, they're on their arses skint, right?

And to cut a long story short, Julia, well she gets run over

and she goes into this hotel with this man, and he's living there,

you see, and she goes there to try and him to get Bruce Willis a job.

Right? Kath, this sounds shocking.

Oh, I definitely haven't seen this. And then Julia's sister turns up.

Who's her sister?

Pat Butcher.

Pat Butcher?! Mm. Her from EastEnders with the earrings? Mm.

Pam St Clements?!

Yeah. No!

No, I'm not having that.

What are they waiting for?!

Ooh, they're trying to make us crack, Di.

Well, I cracked a good half an hour ago, Martin. Oh!

Oh...

I would not put Julia Roberts and Pat Butcher as sisters.

This is mental.

Yeah, well, it is a bit mental.

But they killed this man, and then they chucked in a skip

and then they just carried on as normal, as if it never happened.

Kath, this is madness.

So, as a copper, how does this end?

With a bargain bin, probably.

Will Julia Roberts get done for this?

Well... I mean... Well, if she's...

Dispatch to all available units? I best get this.

Right, don't touch anything.

Dispatch to all available units?

Sierra one receiving.

Disturbance at The Swan With Two Necks in Brinnington.

I'm on my way.

Kicks off every bloody week. It's rough there.

They should ban quiz nights.

They're dangerous. KATH CHUCKLES

I'm really sorry, Kath, but I'm going to have to go.

Oh.

But it's been dead nice seeing you.

Really nice. Yeah, it has.

Here.

OK.

Maybe I could give you a ring about that film.

God, no! I've heard enough about that shit.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, we should end this. Eh?

We should end this now, we need to hand ourselves in

before they charge us. Come on, let's do it together.

No, they're not going to get me. I'm going out the back way.

Don't leave me, Martin! I think I'm having a heart attack!

SIREN WAILS Sh!

They're coming, I can hear them.

All right, now, remember, we did nothing, nothing to do with us,

we're just an ordinary, happy separated couple.

What are you doing?!

Get down, the police are outside!

They've gone! They just dropped me off.

What the hell have you been up to? Nothing. Nothing.

I was starving, I just went to the chippy.

Is that before or after you got arrested on the telly?

Yeah, we saw you - bold as brass.

I was on the telly? Uh-huh.

Oh, shit, looking like this?

What did you tell the police?

Do they know? Oh, my God, what do they know?

They don't know anything, I was arrested with Dad.

Eh? Dad? Yeah.

He was kicking off about the council,

chained himself to the railings. Arsehole.

Martin!

How was Vinnie?

Hey, never mind Vinnie.

You didn't tell, Dougie, did you,

cos we know what you're like, blabbermouth.

I'm not stupid. You both speak to me like I'm stupid.

It's doing my head in.

Do we hell? Don't be so stupid.

How's Dad now, is he all right? Yes!

We both got let off with a caution.

He's walking home.

And who dropped you off?

Ash...

..leigh. Ashleigh.

Nice lady policeman, kind eyes, and a...

A beautiful smile. Didn't want me walking home on my own.

Oh, but she let a pensioner. Mm. That's ridiculous.

She wants reporting.

Did you get a surname? No. No surname.

Forget about that, you're home now.

We were worried sick.

But everything's going to be fine, yeah?

Stronger together. Right, Di? Mm.

Temptation by Heaven 17

away

Oh

Temptation

Temptation

Temptation

Temptation

Temptation

Temptation

Temptation