Original subtitles

The Look by Roxette

Hitting like a hammer

Never was a quitter

My nerves are shot to shit.

I should have called an ambulance.

This is mad.

I'm going to call an ambulance.

I'm fine! Argh, Jesus, Kath!

You nearly gave me a heart attack. Sorry.

We've got to sort out that gash. KATH SNIGGERS

Oh, grow up!

Here, I've got some plasters in my drawer.

It's absolutely pissing out.

Actually, now that I've got you,

I wanted to speak to you about Martin...

Ah, ah! I need another drink.

Go on, then, make mine a large.

Oh, bloody hell!

I've ripped my skirt.

You can pay for that.

Good evening, ladies...

Oh, I'm sorry - good afternoon.

I'm still on Milan time! LADIES GIGGLE

I have flown in and come straight here to you

so you can get your hands on the latest fashions from the catwalks.

Genuine leather, silk-lined.

You've probably seen these in The Vogue, eh?

I know class when I see it, and you ladies look like a classy bunch, eh?

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, Martin's got your back.

For one day only - it must be the jet lag - for one day only...

Am I going crazy? For one day only, I am giving you these Gucci clutches

for 20 quid each, no questions asked.

I'll even throw in one of these Kappa trackie tops

for the old fella.

I mean, I feel like Daley Thompson in mine.

I could smash 100 metres and still go for pints with the lads.

And look at this. LADIES COO

That is your actual Nasa technology, yeah.

She knows what I'm talking about, don't you, sweetheart?

How many am I putting you down for?

SHOP MUZAK PLAYS

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Veronica.

I'm the owner, and personal stylist.

Ha, ha!

Anything special? I'm just browsing, thank you.

Special occasion?

Well, erm...

..yes, actually.

I'm going on a date.

Well, maybe not a date.

Oh, God, he probably doesn't even think it's a date.

No, we're just going dancing, no biggie...

Just...just two friends. Just...

Just a woman and a very attractive man. That's it.

Oh, good for you.

So, first date. Mm. Oh, I can't even imagine.

I've been happily married to Geoffrey for 31 years.

Yeah. He's a barrister.

Well, he's retired now, but...

He lost his legs on a rogue ski lift, Val-d'Isere.

Christmas '88. Aww. Yeah.

But, no. Oh, no.

Oh, that doesn't stop us.

No, I am a very, very lucky woman.

Well, he's the lucky one, if I may say. You look incredible.

Oh, well, head-to-toe Pastiche, you see. Always plugging. Oh!

But also I should say, erm, I was a semi-pro Latin and ballroom dancer,

so I am blessed with a very fast metabolism. Yes.

I was just admiring that snazzy little lilac suit in the window.

You don't have it in my size, do you? What size are you?

12.

I don't think so!

VERONICA LAUGHS

And you're wearing the wrong bra for a start!

No! That's not going to fit across your bust.

It's French sizing.

I don't know where to start, Veronica.

I'm sort of looking for the allure of Princess Di,

but with the sass of Fergie.

Cos, well, for the first time in years

things are starting to look up

and I think I need a wardrobe to showcase the new me.

Do you know what I mean?

No.

But, you know, I get a lot of frumpy middle-aged ladies like you

coming in here, saying "Oh, I feel fat," and, "I feel plain,"

you know? Or kind of worthless.

But not you, because you're embracing it.

Thank...you?

Come on, let's get you Pastiched.

This way.

TOILET FLUSHES

Listen, soz about the awards do.

I was a little bit pissed and I hadn't eaten.

You bit a man! It was self-defence.

SANDY SCOFFS

What's the craic here, anyway?

What do you mean?

Hmm... It's a hotel room, there's a camping stove,

a rowing machine and a strimmer.

I'm no Kojak, but are you living here?

It's complicated.

Hmm... Not really.

They're either your skiddy undies on the floor or they're not.

Fuckin' 'ell!

I'm not as thick as I look, Sandy. Come on...

SHE PATS THE SOFA

Come on, have a seat.

That's it. Oh...

Steady.

Come on, now. OK. Well...

..thing is, me and me wife, Jean, we, erm...

Oh, she's chucked you out.

No! No, she's not chucked me out.

We're just having a little break, all right?!

All right. Touchy.

Yeah, well, she has been touchy.

A bit too bloody touchy if you ask me.

Yeah, I caught her red-handed with her tennis coach.

Slip of a lad, he's only 33.

33! Pfft!

Fair play to her.

It's my own fault.

I've been that busy trying to sort Diane out at Parker's,

I took my eye off the ball.

I wouldn't mind, but she's crap at tennis.

I've told her that for years. Waste of my money.

I've basically been pimping her out.

I'm heartbroken about it, tell you the truth.

Oh, bless you.

Look, while I've got you...

She'll probably go back to being a Hackman now. Who will?

Jean, if she divorces me. Hackman's her maiden name.

Nigh-on 30 years we've been together.

Jean Hackman?!

Piss off!

Three beautiful kids, two German Shepherds

and a ten-grand conservatory pissed up the wall.

Like the film star?

I'm not coping well without her.

Aww! No, no shit, Sandy.

You're living in a scuzzy hotel room.

It friggin' stinks in here.

Crack open the window, spray some Glade.

Yeah, you're right. You're right!

I don't know why I'm telling you all this.

Well, I've been told I'm a very good listener.

Well, you have to be in my line of work, you see.

People just seem to want to open up to me, you know?

They do. They really do.

You know what you need?

You need some Sandy time.

Now, let me tell you about... No, no, no, no.

Listen, I've said too much already, OK?

Just forget about it. Forget about it, OK?!

You probably...probably need to be getting off anyway, don't you?

Do...? It's getting late, so..

Oh...

Oh, God, Sandy, I've just gone dead dizzy.

Oh, no. Should I...?

Should I order us some room service?

Yeah! Yeah, why not, eh?

Yeah! And I can whack us some beans on.

CAMPING STOVE IGNITES Perfect!

SANDY CHUCKLES

Enjoy, thank you very much.

Yes, love? You've gone for red too. Popular colour.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yes, love?

Yes, you can.

Here you go. Thank you.

Yeah, I'm going to be here tomorrow, so tell all your friends and family.

Come on, lady. It's catwalk time.

I don't think it's me, Veronica.

That's because you've forgotten who your me is.

I don't think so. I'm coming in.

Oh, yes.

Stunning!

Now, that would not look out of place at a captain's table.

It's very shiny.

You see the thing is, his ex was very young, very beautiful.

Very young.

How do I compete with that?

You can't.

I love the fascinator. PHONE RINGS

Oh, sorry, that'll be work.

Oh, I don't get a minute.

Hello.

I can't hear you.

Guess what? Look, is this important, Julie?

I'm in the middle of something.

So am I. this is my fourth Mini Milk today.

Tell a lie - fifth. What do you want?

Hang on, I wrote it down. Oh, God...

Er, nappies, 20 Silk Cut...

Not that, wrong side.

Er, Kath's been run over.

Sandy thinks he's killed her. Oh, my God! Where are they?!

Just tell me where they are, Julie!

You're better off without her, Sandy.

Curly fries on tap? It's an absolute dream.

They must have a little machine.

Not a patch on Portuguese food, though.

Jean's favourite.

You can get a full English most places.

The bacon's a bit ropey, but the eggs are like nectar.

Jean won't have her egg touch her beans, you know?

No, no, no, she's very funny about it.

We need to build a sausage wall. Hmm.

I bet you do. We like this one place in Vilamoura - The Copper Kettle.

They have a brilliant singer on, woman from Keswick.

She does Bassey, she does Tina Turner.

We get up, we have a boogie.

Aw, I love dancing, me.

I miss her so much.

Who, the woman from Keswick?

No! Jean!

Do you know what? You've surprised me, Sandy.

I've seen a lovely, tender side to you today. It's very caring.

But let's be honest - you can be a proper bastard.

Well, you've surprised me and all, if you don't mind me saying.

You're a lovely woman, Kath.

Not my cup of tea but, er...

Hey, every pan has its lid.

And I think Martin's been a bastard to you, and Diane. Mm.

Speaking of Martin...

..I really need you to give him a job, Sandy.

Pff, over my dead body!

But he's changed. Poppycock!

A man like him'll never change.

He threatened me with a 9-iron this morning. Did you know that?

No, I didn't.

But other than that...

No. He's finished round here.

I just need you to give him a...

Actually... Yeah, actually I am doing this for you and for Jean.

Do you want her back or what?

What's my Jean got to do with Martin Parker?

Well, you said yourself that you took your eye off the ball.

Jean's the ball.

You need to spend less time working

and more time playing with your ball -

with Jean, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, maybe.

Ahh. Anyway, look, you've drunk me dry!

Sod it, I'm going to order some more booze.

This has been just what I needed today.

Get some more curly fries while you're at it.

And then, we will chat again later.

Kelly-Sue, it's Sandy in 106.

Can we get some more curly fries, please?

Oh! Oh...

Excuse me. My sister, Kath Pennington,

she's been in an accident. Is she still here?

We've no accidents listed,

unless she was here last week on a stag do

and singed her testicles on a trouser press.

Well, what about a Mr Sandy Cooper? Is he here?

Cooper...

Come on.

Room 106.

Thank you! And don't fiddle with the trouser press!

No!

Wahey!

Kath, power's on, we're back in business.

And I have got some fantastic news.

I've just gone and got myself an executive sales role.

There's going to be big money in this.

Oh, and I've taken one of Joe O'Leary's sexy pills to celebrate,

so prepare yourself, chicken. ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS

Chicken?

You have two new messages.

Oi, Martin where's my minibus? You're a cheeky twa...

Message deleted.

Hiya, Mr Parker - Martin. Still can't get used to calling you that.

Kath...?!

Diane told me to ring you to tell you that Sandy's run Kath over...

What?! She might be dead, but we don't quite know yet.

At the Grand Hotel. That's what I've written down.

Shit! I really hope he hasn't killed her,

I do like Kath, but that's all I know.

Diane's on her way now.

OK, Mr Parker... Martin!

Oh, it's Julie, by the way. Thank you.

ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS

For some reason I can't get Granada,

but other than that, it's a cracking picture.

Well, you know who's good with tellies...

KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, that'll be the room service.

Do you mind getting that, love?

It's just the old waterworks aren't what they were.

FRANTIC KNOCKING Right, I'm coming, I'm coming.

I'm coming, OK.

Hi! Oh! Oh, thank God.

Oh, I thought you were dead! Oh, God, I've been worried sick!

Will you keep your voice down? Sandy's on the bog.

Look at you! You look fabulous.

You look so shiny. I love your little hat.

Are you hurt? Are you OK? Oh, my God, your head.

Sandy told Julie he'd run you over. Yes, well, he did, but I'm fine.

I'm just milking it now to try and get Martin a job.

What?! I don't know what you were moaning about, Diane.

He's dead nice. I think you're concussed.

TOILET FLUSHES You're going to have to go. What?

I'm going to give it one last crack. No! Please. Come on...

Oh, Diane!

Come in, come in. The more the merrier!

Hey, where are you going? You look like you're off to the Oscars.

Julie called me. False alarm, I'm afraid.

Oh, Sandy, you're leathered.

We did have a bit of an accident, didn't we, Kath?

but look at her - she's fine! SANDY GIGGLES

Hey, I don't know what you've been moaning about, Diane.

This little one's a breath of fresh air.

Aww, cheers, mate!

Come on, you need to leave. Please. I didn't even realise until today...

Go on. ..how much I needed to let my hair down.

I've let everything get on top of me.

And I think, on reflection,

I may have been a bit hard on you, Diane.

See? But hey, we've got more drinks coming!

Let's get the music on...

Gypsy Woman by Crystal Waters

..and push this bed back.

What you doing, Kath? Oh, are we having a boogie?

Keep the cardi on. Come on, Sandy.

Keep that cardi on!

And then we can finish our chat from earlier. Woo!

Are you getting up? Hey! Come on, snake hips.

Ah, ah, ah! I'll warn you now, I'm not much of a dancer.

Jean says I dance like a dog on lino.

Jean sounds like a knob, to be fair. Hey! Sorry...

Come on, Diane.

No, I'm fine over here, thank you.

She said she's fine.

Hey, I can tell who the fun sister is.

That's me. Maybe you should come and work at the shop.

Oh, not me. Maybe Martin?

No.

No. Fuck off.

Oh, I say! Come on.

No, Diane, no!

I am looking for Kath Pennington.

Hello?

LAUGHTER Woo!

Like a little matador.

Do you do this in Portugal?

Sandy Cooper's just run over my missus.

SHE SIGHS

106.

106. Thank you.

Woohoo!

Hey, making your mind up!

Whoo! Sandy! LAUGHTER

singing for money

La da dee la dee da

DOOR OPENS

What the hell's this?!

MUSIC SILENCES Oh, hello, Parker!

Come to have another pop, have you?

What the hell are you doing here?

Julie told me you were dead. She's not dead.

She's not dead! I'm not dead.

Yeah, I can bloody well see that.

You look like a Quality Street.

It's Pastiche.

Oh, shit, you've still got the tag on. Oh, God, I didn't pay!

What are you doing here, Parker?

Did you not learn your lesson this morning?

Yeah, I heard about your ding-dong.

Yeah, all right, I had a ding-dong.

Why? Because I found out about his plans.

Here we go. Plans? What plans?

He's rebranding the shops. He wants to kill off Parker's.

"Coopers & Co." Tell her. Tell her.

Tell me what?

The name Parker, it's toxic round here.

When were you going to tell me this, Sandy?!

We're supposed to be partners. Coopers & Co?

Sounds like Legs & Co. Quiet, Kath.

Don't you talk to her like that! You what?

You need to leave, Martin! You should leave.

Oh, should I? Yeah. Well, this is my room.

He's living here now. Jean's chucked him out. What?

She's having it off with a tennis player.

MARTIN LAUGHS I don't blame her.

It's just a blip. Well, I'm very angry about Coopers & Co, Sandy,

but you and Jean? Well, I'm shocked.

Well she was only bragging about her new dado rails last time I saw her.

I'd never have guessed.

Get your hands off my wife, Cooper!

Your wife?! That ship's sailed, Martin.

Your bloody wife?! Jealous are we, Martin?

Of you? Yes, of me. I don't think so.

This is a hilarious man.

Well, your girlfriend thinks I am.

We've had a wonderful afternoon, haven't we, Kath?

Yeah, and then your wife joined us. We've had a right laugh.

What the hell, Kath?

I wasn't having a laugh. I was trying to get you a job.

What? I thought that we were having a nice time.

Were you?

Not really. I thought we were.

Bloody hell, Kath. Sandy Cooper?!

I was doing it for you.

I was trying to get you back into Parker's.

We need the money, Diane needs the help.

I don't need any help, thank you.

Yes, you do. You're having a terrible time,

you think Sandy's a dick. Yeah, well, everybody does.

What...? What's that? Hey? Oh! Oh!

This better not be because of Diane's dress!

No, no, it's not that. Oh, Christ Almighty...

I took one of Joe O'Leary's arthritis pills, for you. I see...

I see what's going on here...

Well, it hasn't worked, it's made you stiffer.

I don't mind what you lot get up to behind closed doors,

but you're not bringing it in here.

I will not have another man's erection in my room. Come on!

How dare you?! I've never had a man's erection in any room...

Get out! You're bloody tapped, you. And you. Come on!

No, no. Get out! Sandy, please!

THUD!

Oh, my God!

Sandy?

You-you can get up now, Sandy.

I know where he keeps the plasters. Sandy?

Sandy?

Sandy? He's just pissed as a fart. Let him sleep it off.

He's not breathing. Ooh.

Why isn't he breathing?

Oh, shit the bed.

Yeah, he's dead. Whaa, he's dead.

Well, someone call an ambulance!

Well, unless they can do some voodoo shit and conjure him back

from the dead, it's a waste of time, Diane. Trust me,

I know a dead body when I see one, and that's a dead body!

Well, we should check, shouldn't we? Just double check, for God's sake.

THWACK!

No.

Dead as a door knob.

RIP, fella. Oh, my God, we're all going to hell.

All of us. All right, nobody panic! Let me think!

This is all your fault, Kath.

How's it my fault? It's your fault.

No, it's your fault. You're a fucking nightmare.

You should have left when I told you.

So you could seduce him?! Seduce who? Sandy?

She plied him with drink... He plied himself.

What the hell were you seducing Sandy for, Kath?

She took her cardi off. Holy God, Kath!

How many times? I was trying to get you a job!

I have a job!

No! No, you don't, Martin, because you walked out on Bev.

I know everything. Everything!

I have a new job. Eh? In fashion.

Yeah. Brilliant new job, headhunted.

Things are looking up, Kath.

How the hell are things looking up Martin? Sandy's dead!

He's dead on the floor.

Urgh, I can see blood.

There's blood on the carpet. MARTIN RETCHES

I can't look.

DIANE SHUDDERS

Poor Sandy.

He didn't deserve this.

We didn't always see eye to eye, but he didn't deserve this.

He was very misunderstood.

Well, I hate to speak ill of the dead, but he was a wanker.

Martin! Martin! Well, he was. KNOCK AT DOOR

They're on to us. What are we going to do?

KNOCK AT DOOR Room service.

It might be a trap.

It's the curly fries. Shhh!

Martin, you and your erection need to pretend to be Sandy.

Yeah, well that moment's long gone.

Go on, do Sandy. Do it! What? Just do it!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Could you just leave it at the door, please?

I've just come out of the shower.

CROCKERY CLINKS OUTSIDE

That was nothing like him.

I could have done better than that.

All right. I'm not Mike bastard Yarwood!

And there's only me here! Sandy Cooper.

Just me, all on my own...

I think they've gone. Oh, God.

Should we try CPR?

I'm not mouth-to-mouthing.

Well, you seemed eager enough earlier on.

He is dead, Martin. You cannot be jealous of a corpse.

Oh, my God, this can't be happening.

What are we going to do? What am I going to tell Jean?

You're not telling anybody anything! You need to calm down, Di.

Calm down? How the hell am I supposed to calm down?

One minute he's dancing to Gypsy Woman,

the next he's face-first on a trouser press.

We need to get a wriggle on. Yeah.

Give it half an hour he's going to be stinking -

shit and snot everywhere. He is going to go off like a firework.

Ugh...

Oh, shit, the curly fries!

Whoa! Argh!

I see you're a fan of the curly fry. Oh, yeah.

But quick heads up - don't order the cod.

Very disappointing. The batter was way too soggy, wasn't it, Gill?

THUMPS AND GROANS And it had been nowhere near a fish,

never even seen a fish, no fish in it. Just soggy batter on a plate.

MOANS And this is a so-called three-star.

We complained. Oh, yeah...

Got a free portion of the curlies and a caramel apple granny each.

Well done. MOANS AND THUMPS INTENSIFY

Is your room all right? Yeah it's great.

MARTIN, Wait, wait, wait, wait...

We're not very happy, if we're honest.

Mould on the shower curtain, which is giving my asthma some gyp.

OK. Well, lovely to chat.

Yeah. Don't let us stop you, love.

OK. See ya! See ya!

See ya. See ya.

GROANS AND THUMPS Bye!

Bye.

Oh, God.

Having a nice chitchat out there, were you?

We've been shitting bricks in here.

Sorry, some fella and his wife have been wanging on about fish.

I couldn't get away.

I don't know what it is, people just seem to want to open up to me...

Where's Sandy? Well, where do you think he is, Einstein?

KATH GASPS

I've been wrapping up a corpse like he's a chippy tea.

No. No.

We can't carry him out in a duvet.

If that goes missing they will not be very happy.

Martin, do you not remember the time

that I nicked a dressing gown from Llandudno? I got done for that!

No, they're very, very strict about these things.

I think that's the least of our worries.

We'll take him out the back way.

Oh, God, I'm a grandmother for crying out loud.

Yeah, and I'm a grandfather.

Yeah, and I'm a step nana. Not the same.

No, I can't get involved in this. Sorry, no way. No way!

We could cut him up.

We'll take him out piece by piece.

We can shove him in the pillowcases, they don't give a shit about them.

Don't be so stupid.

All right, clever dick, what's your plan?

Call the police! No. It's what we should have done straight away.

We need to call them up and tell the truth.

And what is the truth, Di?

You and your sister in a hotel room

dirty dancing with a pissed-up dead man? No.

It was an accident, he fell!

Nobody will believe this was an accident.

Nobody.

He publicly shafted you at the awards.

And Kath here's been ordering curly fries willy-nilly.

The two of you are all over this.

Yeah, what about you?

You attacked him at the golf club.

Right, you keep watch.

You grab the feet end. Oh, God.

Come on.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

OK, coast is clear. Coast is clear. OK, go, go, go.

Slow down! Jesus wept!

Oh, hi! Hi, hi...

Oh, hi! Hi!

After more curly fries, are you, love? Yeah!

Uh, what was the name of that pudding?

Caramel apple granny? Caramel apple granny, that's the one.

Beautiful. Amazing. Yeah.

You can have it hot or cold... Ohh!

This is a nightmare.

A waking nightmare.

DIANE SNIFFS

Oh, God, can you smell that?

THEY SNIFF Oh, no.

Is he starting to go?

Oh, dear God.

Sorry, that was me. Huh?

We had beans.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, that's his phone. Nobody move.

RINGING STOPS

Oh, God.

DIANE'S PHONE RINGS Don't answer that.

Diane, get it, get it! It could be Dad.

Oh, just bloody leave it! Just leave it. Martin!

Hello?

Is Sandy with you? He's not answering his phone. No.

Why would he be with me? Why would I be with Sandy?

Can I help you, Julie?

Not really. I need Sandy. I'll try him again. No!

Don't try Sandy again!

What do you want, Julie? I need the day off next Wednesday.

Yep, no problem, all sorted. Oh.

Do you not need to know why? Nope. Found it...

Should I not square it with Sandy? No, definitely not!

The thing is, woman who does water births is popping round to yours

with a paddling pool...

BEEP!

Are they on to us? No!

We need to get a move on.

We could use the strimmer?

That's a hedge trimmer.

I've got a better idea.

VEHICLE REVERSING BEEPS

So if I get him just at the right angle, I can just plop him in.

Bull's-eye.

This doesn't feel right.

A skip? We chuck out the body,

then we get rid of every trace of us from this room

and then we get back to normal, yes? Normal?

How do we ever get back to normal?

Fine!

But can we at least say a little prayer? Oh, if you like.

Does anyone know a prayer? No!

One, two, and wait for three...

That's how accidents happen.

One, two, three...

THEY GRUNT AND STARIN

One more.

One, two, three...

One more.

THUNK!

My stomach is in knots.

Excuse me while I use the en suite.

STOMACH GURGLES Oh. Oh!

I didn't want to say anything in front of Diane,

because you know how she panics, and that just makes me want to panic

and now I just want to cry.

We're in deep shit, aren't we?

Oh, chicken, I promise I'll sort this

so that you and me are OK.

We're not OK, Martin. Trust me.

Friggin' hell. This is so bad!

Yeah. We just need to get our stories straight.

Yeah, that's what we'll do.

We'll get our stories straight so that you and me are in the clear.

What about Diane? She didn't do anything. It was an accident.

Hmm. She was kind of grabbing at him, remember?

TOILET FLUSHES But he fell.

He honestly fell, you saw it. Yes.

But that was after she had been plying him with drink.

Yeah, that's the story.

But she wasn't. Oh, for God's sake, Kath - meet me halfway.

Listen to what I'm saying to you.

We weren't even here.

We were at home celebrating my new job, remember?

This has nothing to do with us...

DIANE SIGHS All right, Di?

Just gave the sink a quick once-over.

Lord knows when it last had a deep clean. Filthy.

Now, remember - we've all got to get back to normal

and do not draw attention to ourselves. So, OK...

I'll go back to Mick's and get some new stock.

What about you, Kath?

Oh, er... I could... I could go to Dad's.

Very good. Di? Well, I'm going to Copacabana's with Vinnie.

Copaca...

Vinnie Hayes? Maybe I should cancel.

No, don't do that.

It's too late. It would lead to questions.

Just go, but don't get too cosy with him.

Why not? Just be careful who you trust.

Right.

Don't worry, I've got you.

We're family, we're in this together. Right?

Fine. Thank you, Martin.