Original subtitles

Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode

Oh!

You smell like a brewery.

I feel like a sack of shit, to be fair.

How's Nelly? Good, yeah.

What did you do to her hair? Usual.

Cut the crap, Kath. Where were you, really?

Because I sure as hell know you were not doing Nelly's hair.

Because I was driving her, and her bald head,

home from Mecca Bingo last night. Bald as a coot!

Cat got your tongue? Mm.

Yeah, I went to see Bev, had a chat with her like you said.

Got myself a job, didn't I?

At Oakvista?

Where were you, Kath? Who were you with? Oh!

Come on, what's his name? Diane.

Holy God, Kath, how could you? It was just a crappy awards do.

How dare you!

The Stockport Trade Awards is the most prestigious night of the year!

I won the meat raffle. Eh? Bagged a link of sausages,

24 chops and a ham shank.

Oh! Sneaking around with my ex-wife like some sordid affair.

Oh, gross. And to top it all off, you're playing in my playground.

You don't even have a business. I do!

I'm a qualified hair stylist, thank you very much!

Parker's won an award. Oh, no! Mm.

Oh, no! Oh, this is a bloody joke!

Sandy Cooper went onstage to do a speech,

completely ignored Diane, didn't even mention her.

Well, why would he? Or you.

Oh, that's typical of Sandy, that is, absolutely typical.

Had a little bit too much to drink, got a bit gobby.

You know what I'm like.

Going to have to apologise to Sandy.

And Diane.

Aw!

Well done on your new job, mister.

Living In a Box by Living In a Box

Diane! Oh!

Di!

Di!

Slow down, Flo-Jo... I am not in the mood for talking.

Morning, Fabio! Morning, Richard!

Come on Diane, I'm in kitten heels here, I'm not a machine.

Piss off!

I'm so sorry if I went a bit far, last night.

I was just sticking up for you, sis. It's good karma.

Karma? Bloody karma?!

You bit a man's arm. Sounds a lot worse than it was.

Oh, it couldn't be any worse, you stupid cow.

Everything you touch turns to shit!

Well, a thank you wouldn't go amiss.

For what?! Humiliating me?!

Have you any idea how hard I've worked to be taken seriously

in this industry, surrounded by all these men?!

No, I can't even speak to you. I'm absolutely furious with you.

And is Sandy all right with everything? Huh!

What do you think? He already thinks I'm a joke,

and now he probably thinks my sister's a bloody psycho.

Urgh!

You're joking!

Ah! Dirty dog shit.

That'll be your karma, Kath.

It's London, Walter. Eh?

It's Big Ben.

Big bloody Ben.

Big bloody bullshitter.

I can hear you, Gladys. Good.

I've got nothing to hide, sunshine.

Are you going to be long?

Why, Betty? Have you got somewhere to go?

Kilroy's on in a minute and I don't want you causing a disturbance.

It's a jigsaw, Betty, it's not the Goombay Dance Band.

What's he saying?

I am saying I've had enough of your earache today.

I've had it up to here as it is. Ignore him, he's full of it.

Your hands are the tools of your trade, I get it.

Yeah.

Well, once again, I can only apologise.

Absolutely, yes, yes.

Yeah, shocking behaviour, I agree.

And believe you me, I will be having words,

don't worry about that.

No, no.

No, I'm sure she's had all her jabs.

I've been reassured on that front, yeah.

Oh, my God, standards have dropped here!

I wouldn't want you cleaning for me.

Says the man who doesn't clean for himself.

Hey, you missed a bit. Ah, you must be bloody loving this.

DOUGIE LAUGHS

Well, you get to my age, you get your kicks where you can.

Layla, go and give these choccies to your nana.

Nana! Hey!

Hey, what do you think you're doing, frightening kiddies? What?

You're Martin Parker, aren't you? Didn't you die in that fire?

Well, clearly not, love. More's the pity.

And now you live here? No, no, no.

I'm just working here temporarily, thank you.

I bet you'd rather be dead.

Freddie Jenkins has been sat bollocko waiting for his bed bath

for half an hour.

A little bit of jock itch.

DOUGIE LAUGHS

Shut your face.

Bev, Bev, Bev? Sign this for us, would you?

And would you mind putting it on the notice board for us?

Why, what's it for? I'm starting a revolution.

The powers that be, throwing me out of my home,

so they can throw up swanky flats, no doubt.

John Major, about as much use as tits on a bull.

We're pawns in a game, we're nothing.

Right. And when do you have to be out by?

Monday. Christ, Dougie, you're going to have to act quick.

You need action, not words.

Hunger strike. I don't eat that much as it is.

Well, start a riot, then. Make some noise.

Anything's better than 23 signatures on a sheet of A4.

Ask Gladys. How come?

When management switched the milk to powdered,

these lot proper kicked off.

Betty smashed up the lounge and Gladys shat in the fish tank.

Next morning, sure as hell,

there were gold top milk on top of their Weetabix.

Do you know what I mean? THAT - that's how it's done, Dougie.

What happened to the fish?

Yes.

Yes, I understand.

Yeah, I'll talk to her now.

OK, thank you.

Well, I have to say, I'm very disappointed in you, Diane.

You've let me down.

I am so sorry, Sandy, I am absolutely mortified.

Diane, I'm talking! Sorry, Sandy.

I can't remember what I was going to say now. I've lost my thread!

Oh, yeah, that's it.

THAT was the doorman from last night on the blower.

Poor man's had to have a tetanus.

Oh, God. Yeah.

He wanted to go legal, but I told him your sister's on tablets.

Now, luckily, he's got a second cousin in Great Yarmouth

who's a little bit funny in the head, can't be around

sharp objects, apparently, so he got it. Oh, thank you.

I think Kath's just very protective of me.

I think she's just a bit upset that, erm...

..that you took all the credit,

because at the end of the day, we're partners, Sandy.

After last night's antics, I think you proved to everyone

why it's me who needs to be the face of this business, not you.

But it wasn't me, it was Kath.

Look, you know she's...

..she's probably...

..she's probably going through, you know...

She's going through the change, you know, it messes with your head.

Oh, too much information, Diane! Sorry.

I only invited you to that do because I...

..I felt sorry for you.

I don't need your pity, Sandy.

Oh, now, I promised the doorman you'd pop round to his house

with a nice new microwave. Oh, no, no, I'm sorry,

I can't do that cos I've got to pop out and meet Alison. Oh, thank you.

Oh, and pop him a ready meal in as well, keep him sweet, eh?

Cheers, love.

Another break, Martin? This isn't a bloody holiday camp.

Shit needs doing. Yeah, well, I'm interacting with the residents.

Aries, did you say, love? Oh, well, why don't you interact

with the dirty bedding upstairs, and then when you've done that,

you can interact with the overflowing bins in the kitchen,

yeah? You tell him, Beverley.

If you don't like it, you know where the door is.

Oh, don't tempt me, sweetheart, don't tempt me.

Martin! Rogue turd in room 12. Bring your gloves!

Go on, then, Martin.

There's a turd with your name on it.

Martin!

Fuck this. I would rather be destitute than have to see

you old witches every day.

I am out of here.

Shame on you.

DOOR SLAMS

Ready for a little knock about, fella? Oh, yes, er,

sorry, matey. Quick tinkle, then I'll see you by the car.

Diane!

It wasn't right, what Sandy did.

He shouldn't have taken that award. Oh, well. Water under the bridge.

It's no way to treat a lady,

especially an intelligent lady like yourself.

I mean, I wouldn't treat you like that if I was in bed with you.

Business wise, of course.

Anyway, I'm glad I've got you to myself.

I hope you don't mind. I, er...

..burnt off a few tunes on a CD for you.

Oh! Whacked it out when I got back last night. Oh, gosh.

That's very high-tech. A little bit of Charles & Eddie,

touch of Luther, some Simply Red.

You've got very good taste.

And it's getting better with age, Di.

DIANE SNORTS So, you run a nice hot bath...

..light a few candles...

..gently press play...

..and chill.

Sorry to interrupt. Julie! Please, will you knock?!

Oh, sorry, shall I knock now? No, it's too late. What do you want?

There's a little lad got stuck in a spin dryer. Oh, my God!

How the hell did that happen?!

I double dared him.

He's got a massive head for a little one. Anyway, look,

I can see that you're busy. Nice to see you, Di.

Yeah, and thanks. Pleasure.

Bye.

I've given his mam a lollipop, but she's still kicking off

and he's screaming his head off now and it's echoing round the drum.

Have you got any butter?

Oh, for God's sake!

She looked at me like shit on her shoe,

and it was my shoe with the shit. Muck for luck.

Oh, Christ, I'm going to need some of that with Martin.

He's seen his arse with me about last night.

I'm going to need to make it up to him. You'll sort it, love.

You want to ask Bev if she can get you some of them

sexy pills she gave Joe O'Leary.

What are you talking about? They're not sexy pills.

They're for his arthritis.

Increased libido's just a side-effect.

He were humping a coat stand earlier.

Martin had to pull him off. Oh!

Not like that, Betty!

My George wasn't a fan of sex.

Not the human kind, anyway.

He bred Doberman pinschers, till his eyes packed in.

Hmm. Lovely dogs. Yeah, very nice.

Then I met Winston at George's wake.

Ooh, randy sod.

Like a rampant goat.

Oh, you lucky cow. Speaking of Martin, Kath,

where is he with my minibus?

I've got 16 pensioners all wanting to go look

at the planes at Ringway this afternoon,

and there'll be murder if he doesn't bring it back. What you on about?!

He's quit. He's only just got the job!

Well, he got his tits in a tangle cos I asked him to pull his weight,

and then he stormed out like a stroppy teenager.

Well, why would he do that?

Because he's a lazy, lying swipe of shite.

That's why. And tell him I want my fleece back an' all.

Why did no-one tell me about this?

Bugger him! He doesn't deserve you.

You're too good for him. The man's a shithouse.

You've done a lovely job on Norma, Kath.

Oh, you have, love!

She looks better now than she did when she was breathing.

Although I'm surprised they squeezed her arse into that coffin,

to be fair.

I pity the pallbearers.

They'll need weightlifting belts.

We'll have to be quick while Mum and Sandy are out.

Oh, and Gary will be in in a bit to clean George Michael.

George Michael?!

George Michael, staff rabbit.

Staff rabbit? What's your mum running here, a play school?

No! We've got a dartboard in the kitchen.

Jesus wept.

Hey, cheers for doing this.

Yeah. S'all right.

Er, I've put down all the usual stuff about Parker's,

owner, all that balls. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Fact.

God, this is bloody ridiculous, me having to do this.

I mean, what's this country coming to,

a man of my age and experience fannying about with CVs?

I'm too experienced, that's my problem.

So, what shall I put down for recent work?

Hmm, tricky.

You'd better not put down the old people's home.

I was only there a couple of hours.

Put down that I volunteered for the needy.

Yeah!

No, scrap that. TOM SIGHS

Well, it makes me sound like a do-gooder.

No-one's going to believe I've suddenly gone all kumbaya.

What's that next section?

Interests.

Interests? Have you never seen a CV before, Dad?

How did you used to employ people?

Gut instinct! I'd no time for any of that gubbins.

I am a people person. When you know, you know, you know? No.

I've put down reading, sports and socialising.

MARTIN GRUMBLES

I don't really like any of that lot.

Do you want me to do it or not?

Well, no, not if you're trying to get me a job socialising!

You make me sound like Peter bloody Stringfellow.

your big brown eyes

to say to you, hey

Oh!

some more-ore-ore

Push it, push it

Come on!

DIANE GASPS Oh! Sorry!

Mum, are you coming in or what? Yes, sorry. Coming!

Hiya, Gladys. Only me.

I need some advice.

Oh! I can't believe he quit his job.

I'm absolutely fuming.

Well, some people can't hack it. I think it's the smell.

Have you ever felt like just running away, Gladys?

With these hips?

Martin's a different man since the fire.

He misses being, like, a big business-y boss,

looking fit in his fancy suits.

He's lost his sparkle.

Has he now?

I mean, I should just ask Diane to get him a job back at Parker's,

cos that would...

Yep. Yes. I SHOULD just ask Diane to give him a job back at Parker's.

I don't think that's a good idea.

No, you're right. Sandy calls the shots there now, so...

OK, yeah, you're right.

So, I convince Sandy to take Martin back -

that sorts Martin out and helps Diane out.

Bloody hell, Gladys! I don't know how you do it.

You're like my own little Mr Miyagi.

Oh, love, I do worry about you.

Why? It's perfect! Everyone's happy. Win-win.

And what's your win? What do you mean?

Stop trying to sort every bugger else out

and think about yourself for once.

I am.

Fancied the pants off him in them suits.

That'll make me happy, don't you worry. Very bloody happy,

thank you very much. He does not look good in a fleece.

What bugger does?!

THEY CHUCKLE Aw, cheers, mate.

WHIRRING

Hey, thanks again for doing this, Tom.

And remember - not a word to your mam.

I won't be telling no-one.

She'll lose her shit if she finds out you're here.

What about Sandy? How's he? What about him?!

I bet he is swanning around like a cock of the walk, eh?

I don't know. That man needs knocking down a peg or two,

I'll tell you that for nothing.

Dad...I'm not arsed.

I just sell shit.

Sell shit?! That's not the attitude, Tom.

You'll never make middle management.

Couldn't give a toss, to be fair.

That's your problem. That's YOUR problem.

I mean, what can I do? I'm a dad now.

I am proud of you, Tom.

Your priorities are Craigy, the one on the way, and Julie now.

Still can't get me head round that one.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, your own happiness comes last

when you're a dad.

Is that why you slept with me mam's sister for 25 years?

Touche, Tom. Touche.

I'm hardly a role model.

Course you are, Dad. Don't be daft.

Where do you keep the stamps, eh?

I think Julie has some in her desk.

Wahey! Finders keepers.

Nice.

Coopers & Co?

Right, come on. Let's get you out of here.

Yeah. Did you get a stamp? Yeah.

Ah! You hooked it, you pillock.

There he is.

Sandy!

Sandy! MARTIN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Sandy! Martin Parker.

Nice wheels.

New job? I know all about your master plan, Cooper.

I don't know what the hell you're on about. Come off it!

Don't piss down me neck and tell me it's raining.

Diane might let you walk all over her, but I'll be damned if I will.

You're bloody tapped, you.

I mean, what the hell's this Coopers & Co?

Oh, yeah, ain't nothing escapes me.

Walls have ears.

My business is my business.

Well, technically, it's my business, pal.

Well, technically, it isn't any more, and you're not my pal, Martin.

In fact, I'd be surprised if you had any pals left.

I've got loads of pals, thank you.

Bullshit. Name one.

See? No-one wants a bar of you. No-one wants a bar of YOU.

Says who? People! What, all the grannies at your old fogies' home?

You're toxic, Parker! Come on, fellas. Calm down, eh?

You can piss off, too!

Martin Parker, here he is, lads. True colours coming out now.

Watch it, Cooper.

Watch it. I will not stand by and let you kill off my family name.

You already killed it.

If you'd spent a bit more time on your business

and a bit less time playing away with that bimbo of yours,

we wouldn't be having this conversation. Watch it!

You need to keep the mad bitch on a lead!

What are you doing?! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Martin! Martin!

We don't want any trouble, eh?

No, we don't want to do anything stupid

and be forced to go into hiding at the Lucky Panda...again.

Very sad.

Face it, Parker.

You're done.

Come on, lads. Get off me.

Well, Uncle Dennis and Auntie Rose are not going to like this.

They were furious when I wore a pant suit to their Emma's wedding.

Christ knows what this will do to them.

I don't want a load of oldies at my party.

Right, you can bring balloons, but no banners.

They fuck up the wallpaper.

And where will you be putting the buffet?

We don't do food, love. If you want to bring your own,

we can pop a trestle table over there, next to the fag machine.

No buffet?! It's an 18th!

Well, don't blame me. Blame the health inspectors.

This is a dive.

Well, I think it's cool.

Matthew does drag on Sundays.

Yeah, and line dancing on Mondays, if you're so inclined.

So, it's just the £30 deposit for today.

We're just waiting for her dad. My husband. My ex-husband.

Oh, come on, Martin.

I don't think he's coming, love.

Was he always this flaky, your ex-husband?

You could say that. Aw, you deserve better than that.

You're gorgeous.

You should get back on the horse.

Oh, well, um...

..funnily enough, um... Go on.

..a gentleman friend dropped a CD round at the shop earlier.

Burnt it specially for me.

Thing is, the songs, they're so erotic.

Oh, God, it feel's weird saying this out loud,

but I think he might actually like me...a bit.

That's foreplay!

Ask him out. Grab that bull by his horn. Oh, no, no.

No, I couldn't do that, Matthew. No.

And why not? You, my darling, can do whatever you like.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah! Yeah, I can.

Well, do it now! Now?! Now, while you're all fired up.

Oh! Really?! Yes, really.

Glasses. Oh!

OK.

I've got it somewhere. What is it? Hayes.

Hayes, Hayes, Hayes.

Oh, wish me luck.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

PHONE RINGS Mr Skip, Vinnie Hayes speaking.

Oh, hi, Vinnie, it's Diane here. Diane Parker.

Parker's Electricals. Diane!

Just been thinking about you.

Were you? Yeah.

Hey, I take it you've heard about Martin

and Sandy's ding-dong at the golf club earlier?

What ding-dong?

Big ding-dong. Oh!

Martin was proper kicking off.

Raging like a bullmastiff. Holy moley!

Ask him out! Oh, yeah.

No, I was just ringing, um...

I was just wondering if you... well, if you fancied...

..just...just going for a drink with me sometime,

but you probably won't want to.

Yes, I do want to, Di.

Very much so.

Hello?

Di? Still there?

Yes, I'm still here, Vinnie. Sorry.

This is all new to me.

Don't worry about it, Di. Just like riding a bike.

Copacabana, seven o'clock. Oh!

See you there? Oh, right, yes, yes, see you, then. Bye, Vinnie.

I think I just grabbed the bull, Matthew.

She Drives Me Crazy Fine Young Cannibals

I mean, how would you feel?

Imagine somebody coming in here, shouting the odds

and trying to take your family name off the business.

Well, technically, it's not your family name. You're not the Pandas.

I don't even know if you're lucky. But you know what I mean, Chen.

You need to move on, Martin.

You can't live in the past.

It's like what my old grandfather used to say.

It takes two to tango and only one person to fuck up a conga.

That don't make any sense.

He quit his job.

He only started it yesterday.

Bye. Bye.

Movin' On Up by Primal Scream

All right?

Lucky Panda for Mic.

Jesus!

DOG BARKS Oh, Jesus!

Easy, Samson!

He can smell your kung pao.

Hey? Are you coming in or what? I've not got all day. Oh, yeah.

I've got a takeaway for Mic.

What kept you? I could eat a scabby rat.

Oh, are you Mic?

Well done. Give that man a balloon.

Sorry, love. I thought you'd be a bloke.

I thought you'd be Chinese. Life's a lottery.

Has he got you doing all the hard work, has he?

He? Who's he?

Oh, aye. I see you're one of those.

Men like you make my foot itch.

What's that, love? If you can wrap your pretty little head

round this, sunshine, I run my own business.

Me, on my lonesome.

Yeah, you heard.

I'm in charge, I call the shots,

and I even have men bringing me food.

Who'd have thought?

Let me get your money.

Wahey! Plenty of money in the solarium business, then, eh?

Is there balls.

Mic's got her fingers in many pies.

Sales is my main game.

Let me tell you this, sweetheart.

I started with a few quid less than sod all, just my wits

and a bigger pair of balls than any man inside the M60 corridor.

Within a year, I was running a team of 24 -

all men, by the way - right across the region.

This is fate, Mic. Do you believe in fate?

Do I fuck.

Well, whatever. Either way, this is your lucky day.

I've got a free litre bottle of lemonade with every order.

AND I'm just the fella you're looking for, Mic.

Oh, hiya!

Come and give your Auntie Kath a big fat snuggle.

Aw, mwah.

It's made my day, this.

How's little baby Craig? Good, yeah.

Mum's not here. It's not your mum I'm after!

Where's Sandy? How would I know? I'm not his keeper.

Sorry. Me ankles have ballooned and I've got mad cravings.

Don't ever get pregnant, Kath. It's horrific.

OK, thanks. Oh, sorry, Kath.

It's all right. My nan had a baby when she was ancient.

She was well in her 30s when she had my mum,

so you never know.

Can you not just phone Sandy?

Er, he won't want to speak to you, Kath.

I really need to speak to him. I've got a great idea.

Not going to be back here today.

I was going to ask him to get your dad a job here.

He'd love that! Are you joking? Here?

He would NOT love that. Hmm. I think you're wrong, Tom.

He misses the hustle and bustle of a busy shop floor.

You see, he's like me. He's a people person.

And I really, really need to get him a job.

PHONE RINGS So, come on, where's Sandy?

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Are you going to get it or...?

Oh, I don't need to. It answers itself. It's brilliant.

Thank you for calling Parker's Power and Electricals.

We're busy selling top-quality electrical goods right now...

Parker's! ..so please leave a message after the beep.

ANSWERPHONE BEEPS She always used to do that

when we were little. Dickhead. Oh, God's sake.

Julie, send my dry cleaning to the Grand Hotel.

And answer the bloody phone!

It's good. Good. Lovely.

Going to skedaddle. Love you!

See you later, Kath. Grand.

Right, then, sweet cheeks. Let's see what you're made of.

There you go. Have you done sales before?

MARTIN LAUGHS

Have I done sales before, she says!

Yes, yes, I have.

I actually have a CV out in the van.

Not interested in any of that crap. I go by gut instinct.

Music to my ears, Mic. Kindred spirit.

I used to own a chain of electrical shops.

Name above the door.

You probably saw my ad - "What an offer!" - on TV?

Nope.

Too busy grafting to watch telly.

Although I do like the one with the chimps flogging tea.

They move a piano.

Piss funny.

Is your ad anything like that?

No. Go on, then. Impress me.

Flirt with me.

Get my juices flowing.

Sell the sizzle, not the sausage.

MARTIN CLEARS HIS THROAT

You look like a lady who likes her leather.

Suicide Blonde by INXS

WOLF-WHISTLE

Well, I hope that was as good for you as it was for me.

Yeah, you're good. Yeah, yeah. It felt good. Yeah.

How's about I start you on 15 boxes and see how you go?

Oh, that is fantastic, Mic. Thank you.

Is it Michaela? Michelle? Micole?

It's Mic.

No matter, Mic. That's great.

Thank you. I won't let you down.

I know you won't.

Oh, and word to the wise. I don't respond well to bullshitters,

time-wasters or wolf-whistles.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I consider myself warned.

Welcome to the team. Thank you.

Sandy!

Sandy!

Hell!

Listen, tell Diane I've spoken to Clive Squires. OK?

Oh!

Oh, bugger me. Not you, Julie. Sandy!

Sandy, can I have...can I have a word? No!

Just two minutes. I just need to ask you something. It's nothing,

it's nothing. Sandy! Right, this is really important, OK, Julie?

Microwaves. Microwaves? Yeah.

Tell them every washing machine needs a microwave on.

Jesus!

Fuck a duck.

You'd better phone Diane.

I think I've just run over Kath.

Kath?

Kath!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Kath!