Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

..this side of the Pennines. That's the power of Parker.

It's all about image in my game...

People look up to you, you know, they've got

a lot of respect for you. How dare you vandalise the Merc!

Martin Parker, Parker's Electricals.

Sleeping with two sisters, from the same family.

Bloody hell, Di...

Let's run away together.

What about Diane?

He's my husband.

He thinks you're disgusting.

Yeah! Cos I paid for those ears!

Oh, here he is, the gobshite who can't keep his mucky hands

off both my daughters.

I think I hate him. I hate him, if you hate him. I do.

Sisters.

You could force him out.

You'd own Parker's outright.

It's too late, Martin.

We're in charge now.

I'm no good to anyone.

Everyone would be better off without me.

Lucky Panda Banquet for Two.

Enjoy this trip.

Enjoy this trip.

And it is a trip.

The countdown is progressing.

Uno, dos, uno dos tres, quatro.

now, ooh

now, ooh

now, ooh

now, ooh

b-bep bep

Just before you go guys, I want to say thank you.

A brilliant day again today.

The figures speak for themselves, I couldn't be happier.

You look nice, Mrs Parker. What you all dressed up for?

The do! What do?

The Stockport Trade Awards, you put it in my diary.

It's none of my business what you and Sandy get up to.

Julie, you're our secretary!

Well, it sounds fancy, whatever it is.

Sounds shit. It is NOT shit, thank you.

Sandy says it's the biggest event in the business calendar.

Anyone who's anyone'll be there. What, like celebrities and that?

There won't be celebrities around here.

Might be.

Gary's mum saw Trevor McDonald

queueing up for verruca socks in Boots.

Wasn't he, Gary? Eh?

Wasn't Trevor McDonald buying verruca socks in Boots?!

Yeah. Two packs. She said he puts that posh voice on for the telly.

He's a Geordie in real life.

Well, I don't think there'll be any celebrities there per se,

probably just your local dignitaries and whatnot.

But you know, I'm quite excited.

And just a little bit nervous!

In case, you know....

In case what? Well, in case we win.

Hmm. See, I reckon smart money's

on the satellite dish lads from Woodley.

Oh, well, yes, they've had a very good year.

Dishes everywhere. But you never know.

Oh... You'd have to do a speech, Mum.

Oh, yes, eek! But it'll just be a...

A few words, couple of thank yous, nothing to get stressed about.

I'd be bricking it. All those people gawping at me,

wishing they'd won instead of me, hating me, wishing I was dead.

Thank you, Julie! And imagine if you don't win.

Embarrassing.

What's the point? It's a waste of a night.

Nah, not for me, I'd rather stay at home, thanks.

Yeah, would you? PHONE RINGS

Hey, Tom.

What have I said? Hands off, not in the store.

We are not a dance hall! Dance Hall...

How old?

GIGGLING

Julie? What? Phone!

I've not finished my cupcake. I've not finished MY cupcake.

Thank you for calling

Parkers Power and Electricals.

We've been selling top quality electrical goods for...

Cheapest prices this side of the Pennines.

That's the power of Parker.

Look, he's not even moved from that settee, has he?!

Here, make yourself useful... Oh... There you go.

Watch this, Craig, eh?

Nearly breaks his bastard back, piss funny!

I mean, who wears flippers on a kiddies roundabout? Rigged!

Martin! What?

Ashtray! What?

I haven't got time to be hoovering around, after you, I'm already late.

Late for what? Where you going?

Dad's. Well, that won't take all night.

Yeah, and then I've got a bit of work...stuff.

What, tonight? I've rented us Backdraft.

God sake, Kath, we've been on a waiting list for this.

It's fine. You two watch it. I've got to go, I promised.

Who'd you promise?

Nelly.

Nelly? Who's Nelly? You've never mentioned a Nelly before.

I have, Nelly...Gleeson.

Talked about her loads.

Well, why's she having her hair done late at night?

Just because she's...

She's having her cataract done in the morning,

and she wants to look right.

Right? You're too soft, Kath, you let them walk all over you.

And we need tea bags.

Hey, I hope this Nelly Gleeson's paying you an out-of-hour rate.

They're threatening to turn off our leccy.

Well, what are you doing about it?

I told you I'm waiting for Jonesy to get back to me, he'll come through.

Well, none of the others did.

For God's sake, I'm doing me bloody best, Kath.

Are you? You're too bloody picky, that's your problem.

Am I, hell? I'm Martin Parker. I can't do any ole job, can I?

Well, you're going to have to, cos we need the money.

I've told you Bev's always wanting to take people on at the home.

She'll sort us out.

The home? As if! I have some standards, thank you.

See? Too picky.

Right, enjoy your film.

Daily Mail gave it five stars. Your loss.

Love you.

Ah, you too.

Oh, God, Alison, you gave me the fright of my life!

Sorry, Mrs P. Kim. Can you give us a lift home, Mum?

Kim's lost her bus pass again.

Oh, love, I've not got time.

It's the Stockport Trade Awards tonight,

I did put it on the family calendar.

Oh, well, I'm sorry if that's more important to you than our safety.

That's not what I said.

Look, I'm running late as it is, I'm going to miss the beginning.

Fine, we'll walk all the way home through the park in the dark,

past the winos. Hope we don't sex trafficked.

Fine, get in.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello! Oh, God! I'm just using your loo, Mr Parker.

Hi, Dad. You all right, son, how was work?

Yeah. Same old shit.

RETCHING UPSTAIRS

Julie's rough as. Dodgy Scotch Egg, Mr Parker.

Yeah, cos you scoffed a pack of 12 on the way here.

Baby likes Scotch Eggs, Tom! She's eating like a pig.

I can hear you, knobhead!

Oh, er... Cheers for looking after him.

He's no bother. He loves spending time with his Grandpops, don't you?

No, put that away. Things aren't that bad.

I know, but we really appreciate it. We'd be lost without you,

wouldn't we? Oh, that was close.

Yeah. Are you going to stay for a bit? I've got Backdraft.

Me too, both ends.

No, the film. I've been on the waiting list.

Oh, is Kath in?

No, she's at work. I'll leave it then, ta.

It's dead handy, you not working.

Yeah, well...

Just temporary.

Nearly two years.

SHE SNIFFS

Oh, no, that's vile!

That's making me gag, he needs changing, Martin.

What have you been feeding him?

Aw! RETCHING UPSTAIRS

You'll have two to look after soon.

Hiya, Dad.

Hey... Brought you your tea.

Oh, thank you.

Ooh... Where you going, all dolled up?

I'm out on the razz.

Oh, good for you.

How you getting on with your packing?

Do you want me to get Martin to take those bin bags to the tip for you?

No, I'm not chucking anything.

And you can keep him away from here.

This is all his fault.

How the hell's this Martin's fault? It's the council chucking you out,

it's nothing to do with him.

Yeah. Him and his sodding Tory mates.

50-year, I've lived in this house.

Never missed me rent.

Always paid me stamp.

They can't make me go.

Well, they kind of can, Dad.

Yeah, cos they don't give a toss for people like me.

Compulsory purchase order, my eye.

They're just making stuff up...

Well, you're the last one standing now.

Shaggy Annie, she's gone. Him with no teeth, gone.

Even the squatters at number seven, they've moved out.

Yeah, that were a shame, they threw some cracking parties.

You're just going to have to move in with our Diane.

At Buckingham Palace? She makes me take me shoes off!

N-O spells no.

Well, me and Martin ain't got the room. Good!

I don't want to live with that gobshite.

Well you're going to have to do summat, Dad,

cos it's too short notice to get you in at OakVista now.

I'm not living with oldies. I'd rather be homeless.

Well, you technically will be, cos you've got to be out by Monday.

I'm sorry... I ju... I just want what's best for you.

Here, stick some hot water on that.

Enjoy your tea.

Ooh...

SCREAMS ON TV

Oh, God, I'm not enjoying this.

That's got to be burning...

PHONE RINGS

Martin, Martin Parker.

Jonesy! I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Good to speak to you, old pal. How's the er...

Yeah, yeah.

You're busy, yeah, I'm sorry... No, it's just...

TOY SQUEAKS

Ooh... No, but what if something else comes up...?

It won't?

Look, Jonesy, you're my last chance. I am begging you, here.

No.

Right, yeah, I get it.

But what if I... DIALLING TONE

Hello?

Hello?

TOY SQUEAKS

Oh, for fuck's sake!

I...

Something ain't right

being reflected

You're late, you've already missed the comic, cracking impressions.

Honest to God, his Rolf Harris was like he was in the room!

Can you tell what it is yet?

Leave it, Des. I'm so sorry, I was late getting out of the store.

Gary had a dust buster incident,

and then I've had to drop Alison off with her...

..friend Kim, I didn't know where the time went.

It just... Look at you, you've really done yourself up,

haven't you? Very fancy.

You look like you're going to a Miss World pageant.

Aw... Thank you, Sandy!

If one of the judges was Danny La Rue.

HE CHUCKLES

Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

I believe my managerial skills and my eye for...

Yeah, yeah, cut the crap, Martin. OK.

Well, go on, then, tell me why I should give you a job here?

I'll be straight with you, Bev,

we both know I'm overqualified for this.

Cocky, aren't we?

All right then, clever dick, what do your qualifications tell you, if one

of your resident's as had a nasty fall, but you're on breakfast duty

and you've got 30-odd hungry pensioners screaming blue murder?

Right, erm... Well, I'd get the old dear back on her feet...

Uh-uh! Wrong! You want to tell me why?

Er... I don't know, erm...

Erm! Erm! Erm! Martin, we've no time to dawdle,

you've got a pensioner on her back and your bacon's burning.

Oh, get the other brekkies sorted?

No! You report it to a senior member of the team.

I was going to say that.

You've not had your heavy lifting training, Martin.

You could pull out her hip. I see. Go on.

Lift this chair up and I'll tell you what you're doing wrong.

Go on.

Look, Bev, I'm desperate.

Please. I'm on the bones of me arse here,

and desperate times calls for desperate measures.

And that's my problem how?

They've cut-off me leccy and when Kath find's out that won't be

the only thing cut off, believe me.

Don't do it for me, do it for Kath.

Right, you can start tonight.

Yes! It's £2.50 an hour and we provide you with one fleece.

Oh... But if you lose it, you pay for a replacement.

Get it? All right.

You better take these and all. Eh?

Nothing worse than getting shit under your finger nails.

Well, go on then, off you pop.

Come on. Left or right? To the right. Right...

Yes!

There they are, the haulage lads, state of them.

If they win again this year, I'm going to be having words.

Rigged! What's Tommy Walsh come as?

Poor man's Timmy Mallet... He's married a bird from London.

Well, that'll explain the outfit, then.

Hey, Diane, you've done all right for yourself, haven't you?

Since the big fire? Beg your pardon?

Summat queer going on there.

What happened eh? There's been rumours.

And all the rumours are true, pal.

Been through the mill, this one. Tell them.

I'd rather not talk about it.

Old girl thought he'd topped himself in that fire, didn't you?

Please, let's not do this again, Sandy. It's a party!

Was about to claim on his life insurance, weren't you?

But her secretary, Julie, forgot to send the forms in!

Bloody hell, what a cock up! No, it's a good job they didn't.

She'd have been done for fraud!

Cos it turns out,

me laddo's been living the life of Riley above the Lucky Panda.

They don't want to hear all this. It's very boring.

Pretending to be dead and eating Chicken Chow Mein three times a day,

by all accounts.

Three Chow Meins a day!

He must have been the size of a house.

Too much, that. Never been a fan of a Chow Mein, me.

Anyway, you'll never guess who bailed her out...

Only yours truly!

Yeah, she was going to lose it all

until I came along and invested in the business.

Time and money.

Some people might say I've saved her bacon.

Isn't that right, Diane? Excuse me, gentleman.

Oh...

It's posh here, isn't it? We're the only women here.

Oh, God, get treated like pieces of meat.

Eyes and hands all over us.

Touch wood...

That bin's for clinical waste, staff kitchen up there.

No fish in the microwave, bring your own mug.

Don't knock on number nine after 12,

if you're going in there, make sure there's two of you,

Annie Woodward does not do mornings or pleasantries.

If it smells, report it, if not clean it up.

Any questions? No? Good.

Look at us, business ladies. Business, business, business.

Buy, sell, buy, sell. Would you like a coffee?

Get me that bag. Stop it, you wally!

Can't believe you're up for an award, Di, it's amazing.

I'm dead proud of you. Didn't have a clue what to wear though.

Do I look all right? Yeah.

Just dropped some tea off at dad's before I came here.

Still hasn't done a thing about his packing, you know.

Oh, I know, what did you make him? Bombay Badboy.

Oh, for goodness' sake, Kath.

Well, it won't be me scrubbing that toilet tomorrow,

I'll tell you that for nothing.

Martin's watching Backdraft. Told him I was working.

Oh, you're allowed to go out.

Why do you keep lying to him all the time?

Well, I have to. Lose his shit

if he thought I was here at a fancy business do with you.

Excuse me, service. He hates it that we're friends now.

Well, he needs to grow up.

Aww! He's just dead down, Di.

I mean, I love the bones of him, you know that, but...

Bloody hell, it's hard work living together, isn't it?

And he doesn't do a tap. Never did.

Slobs about...

He sheds like a Collie. I know, I've already broke three hoovers.

Hello! Oh, this is ridiculous, I might as well be invisible.

It's mad, cos he used to be like right randy all the time,

now he doesn't want to do anything...

I don't think it's me or owt, I think

he's just a bit depressed, you know, with not working and everything.

I read that things like that effect a man's doodah, doesn't it?

Does it? It does, apparently.

God, I miss the old Martin.

Good evening. I'm Martin. Martin Parker.

You all right, mate? You new?

Yep, first night.

It's only temporary, in between jobs.

That's what I said, been here nearly two years, now.

It's brilliant, I've never had so much fanny.

Chicks dig a man in uniform.

Er, do you know where Nelly Gleeson's room is?

38 C.

Hang on, I know your face. How do I know your face?

I know you.

You're that old fella who died in the fire, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm just, err, popping to see Fanny...

Nelly, I'm actually looking for my Kath actually, thank you.

Telly shop, wasn't it? Yes, that's right.

What are you doing here? I was just, er...

Oh, bloody hell, Martin! You're on minibus duty.

Eh? Bingo run.

Saleem's DJing tonight in Rotherham, he's at an illegal rave.

Oh, well, I'll only just be two sec... No, hurry up,

they're freezing their tits off outside Mecca Bingo.

They'll catch their death, and I can't be fagged with paperwork.

All right. Go on, shift your arse. Yeah.

I'm doing you a favour here, remember.

Yeah, I know you are. Prick.

Is anyone going to serve us? Oh, look, meat raffle.

I love chops.

You're going to have to sub me Di, I've only got 76p

and a coupon for Mellow Birds.

I thought it'd be a free bar. For goodness' sake, Kath.

You love me really.

Ey, up, Diane. Oh, hi, Vinnie.

Here, let me get these... All right, mate? Yes, sir.

What are you having, ladies?

Er, two Archers and lemonades, please.

Doubles. And half a lager chaser.

Di, do you want half a lager chaser? No, thank you.

Just one half a lager chaser, and whatever you're having.

You heard the lady.

Lady...

I'm Diane's sister, Kath.

So I've heard. Lovely to meet you, Kathy.

Kath. Kath.

Hey, er, do you want to go and sit down? I'll bring the drinks over.

Oh! Thank you very much, very kind.

Thanks.

Frig me, he is fit! Who's he?

Oh, it's Mr Skip.

Vinnie Hayes. He owns the largest Skip Hire Fleet in the North West.

He's a lovely man.

Isn't he just! You are getting shagged tonight, lady.

Oh, don't be stupid!

The way he was looking at you!

You're going to be climbing that fella like a fucking ladder.

Kath! He's a got a very young, and very beautiful wife at home.

She's very young. So there is absolutely no chance

he would be interested in someone like me.

She's very young. And she's very young!

He's a happily married man... Oh, so what?

I'm not you, Kath. Come on.

Charming.

Please welcome to the stage tonight, your host for the evening,

Mr Colin Homey.

Good evening and welcome to the 1992

Stockport Trade Awards,

sponsored by Clarke's Pies.

Big hand for Des Clarkson. Thank you, Des.

Thank you.

And can I just say what a lovely spread you put on here tonight?

Fabulous! Thank you. First class.

Let's kick off straight away with the first award, which is

the Best Van Livery.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

TURNS UP MUSIC

Oh, here we go.

Oh, all righty. Let's get you home.

Watch your head.

That's a girl. You all right?

Good lad.

Where's Saleem?

Oh, Saleem's DJing in Rotherham.

Oh, I prefer Saleem.

Yes, well, at the moment, Saleem is in the middle of a field

spinning discs at teenagers, off their faces on disco biscuits,

so it could be a wee while, but you're welcome to wait.

No, didn't think so.

Piece of piss.

Right... MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, turn it down, it's too loud! Oooh, it's hurting my ears!

Where's Saleem?

Rotherham. Hold your horses, there's still some of them here.

Eh... Saleem does a head count.

Oh, does he?

He wipes it on the curtains and she hits the roof.

Less of the smut, Des.

Ladies present.

Oh, don't mind me, lads. I've heard worse.

Oh, I've got a good one for you, two nuns in a bath...

Yeah, not now flower.

It's rude.

Two nuns in a bath... Will you behave yourself?

No-one wants to hear your potty mouth.

These are respectable businessmen. Just smile and nod.

I need to mingle.

Oh, God, I love this song! Are you dancing, Des?

No. You're all right.

Right. So...

How's your lovely wife, Fiona?

Ex-wife. Oh, Vinnie, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Get in there, Di... Ah, it just didn't work out.

She works for Camp America now.

Does she? Mm.

Teaching kids how to kayak. Oh...

Couldn't even spell that two months ago. Ohhh...!

Oi, watch it, Cinderella!

Anyhow, about you? How's life treating you?

Cos you're looking gorgeous.

Oh, no. No, I'm not, I look awful.

No. No. This is an old Kendal sale, and my hair, don't talk about it,

it won't even hold a perm. It's just mainly spray, so..

Hey, take the compliment.

I mean it. You're looking great.

How are you finding it with Sandy?

Well, he likes things his own way, let's just leave it at that.

Yep, I hear you, babe.

Look at your kid.

She's a live wire.

SOMEONE FARTS Oh! Excuse me!

KNOCKS ON WINDOW Ah, Jesus! Where's Saleem?

Rotherham! Sorry, just a sec.

Sorry.

I'll get you on now.

All right, babe?

Well, did you win anything? Sod all!

I think I'm jinxed.

Nelly won big though.

Double rollover.

£28.60.

Nelly...? Nelly Gleeson.

Gleeson?

She'll be here in a minute, she's gone the ladies.

Too much Cherry B. Right.

Not a pissing hair on her head.

Where the fuck is Kath?

Hey, someone needs to tell her it's a business do,

not the Playboy mansion.

Yeah. But, listen, I'm having a lovely time.

I've been chatting to that Des.

Isn't he lovely? So sweet. Mind you, he's got a lot on his plate.

His semi is riddled with woodworm, his eldest just failed his driving

test third time, and to top it all, he thinks Jerry's got gout.

Mind you, they say it comes in threes.

Who the frig's Jerry?

His neighbour. All right, Wogan!

He's here for a night out, not an interrogation.

I bet you've bored the poor man stupid.

Herschel Daniels, everyone. APPLAUSE

Right, gentleman, and lady in red,

if you could just take your seats, please.

Oh!

Oh, shit!

That needs mopping.

It's very slippy.

Right, the moment you've all been waiting for.

Can we have a roll of the drums, please?

Thank you, gentlemen. DRUM ROLL

It's the Stockport Business Of The Year 1992.

And to present the award, Councillor Brian Allsop.

Give him a round of applause.

Brian, how lovely to see you, my friend. Here we go. Best of British.

Dead exciting. It's like the Brits. We're not going to win.

We're not going to win. Are we? I feel sick.

Have I got time for a quick wee? No. Sit down!

Now, who's won, I wonder?

Oh, here we go.

The winner is...

..Parkers Power and Electricals! CHEERING

I don't believe it.

Yes, Diane! And to collect the award, Sandy Cooper.

Get up here, Sandy.

Go on, Di. Should I follow? Should I follow?

Go with him! Go on!

Get in that photo. It's not even his shop. It's fine. It's fine.

It's really fine. Shush. It's fine. It's not fine. It's fine! It's fine!

Leave it! Go on. Leave it!

Thank you.

Er, I couldn't have done this alone, guys.

They say that behind every great man is... See?

..a local chapter of the Rotary Club.

So a big shout out to all my boys. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You know who you are.

Watch this space, lads, big plans. Why's he taking all the glory?

You deserve the glory. Because that's the way it is, Kath.

Well, why is it? Look around you.

Hey, lady, I'm no feminist, I'm not burning my bra for no bugger.

To be fair, I'd have to tuck me tits into me knickers,

but this is absolute bullshit!

It's bullshit Des, it's an absolute fix! It's a fix!

Fix! Shut up, love!

Oh, you can fuck off!

Kath, don't...make...a...scene!

Diane, what are you doing?

Just leave it, Kath. Oh, for God's sake...

Let's get your award. Diane, let's get your award!

No! No.

Oh, bloody hell, what is wrong with you?

If you won't get it, I will.

Move! Boo!

Boo me all you like, you dickheads. I couldn't give a shit.

That little lady there, that lady there, my sister, Diane Parker,

she should be stood on this stage, not him.

He isn't even called Parker!

She works dead hard in that shop, she does more than him.

And she is... She is an amazing mum.

She's an amazing mum and she looks after our dad an' all,

she doesn't do as much as me but look at her, she's bloody...

Get off me! CHEERING

I've got as much right to be here as you dickheads!

Aargh... She bit me!

I'm doing this for you, Diane.

Diane? Don't take any shit, Diane.

Don't you take any shit!

Get off me!

Get off me. Don't forget the meat raffle!

Thunderstruck by AC/DC

Here's your meat.

And this is why we need to maintain our gentlemen only policy.

CHEERING

Now, where was I?