Original subtitles

Six grand. Friday.

This programme contains some strong language

Drugs?! No! Needs dropping off by tomorrow.

You slept with him, didn't you? I can see it in your eyes.

I didn't. I wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't.

You've both been named as shareholders.

You could force him out.

You'd own Parker's outright.

Tonight's all about us getting you that treasurer's gig,

you winning over Vinnie.

Let me tell you about Martin.

Good morning, Mrs Treasurer.

I bet you're delicate.

You were dynamite last night.

Vinnie loves you.

Everything is going to be OK.

Ah. Vitamin C - good for you.

Morning.

Morning!

Morning, Julie.

Last night was a triumph.

Amazing. What was?

You are looking at the new treasurer of our Rotary Club.

Oh, right. I thought you were going to tell me summat exciting.

Yeah, but keep it on the QT.

It hasn't been officially announced yet.

Yeah. Don't you worry. I won't be telling anyone.

Oh, Sandy Cooper will probably be popping round later

with the float and a chequebook,

so keep an eye out for him, eh? Here...

Treat yourself to some new teabags.

All right. Thank you.

Lads, lads, lads...

What are you doing?

I don't pay you to stand around looking gormless.

Gary.

Huh?

Oh, she doesn't want anything.

We are not running a drop-in centre,

for Christ's sake, Gary. Everyone's a buyer.

I've told you - look for the signals.

What are the signals?

Don't know.

HE GROANS If you want a job doing...

Hi.

Martin. Martin Parker.

This little beauty is our best-seller.

A classy bit of kit for a classy lady.

Now, it comes with a remote, twin decks, graphic equaliser.

But bugger all that.

You're the type of lady who wants to charm a gentleman

by candlelight,

a bottle of Mateus Rose chilling in the fridge

and some soft music gently playing in the background.

Am I right?

HE CHUCKLES

Gary...

Nip upstairs to the office and get the Sade.

This young lady wants to seduce someone.

HE CHUCKLES

Diane's going to be here in a minute.

Am I doing the right thing, Glad?

Of course you are, love.

You can't go to the bank in your tabard.

I don't know who to trust any more. Well, you can trust me.

I've always had an eye for fashion.

I saw her kissing Martin last night.

Who was?

Diane.

Oh, well, he is her husband.

So? She swore blind to me that she hated him.

Oh, fuck 'em both.

You need to start looking out for Kath Pennington...

DOOR OPENS ..my darling.

You don't owe that couple anything...

I'm incognito. I wish you bloody were.

Wow.

So, how was your night?

Oh, you know... Very uneventful.

Right.

How was Martin?

Why would you ask me that? I hardly saw him.

I didn't speak to him. I hardly saw him.

So, did you get hold of the paperwork? Yeah.

In and out.

What about you?

Same. Really?

What's in that? Power suit.

We need to look the part. And you can't go like that.

Like what?

Like that. You look like you're touting for business,

not taking one over.

Huh! Even with the leather bolero?

Especially with the leather bolero, Kath.

Well, I like the leather.

All right, all right, that's me.

Right, you ready?

Just stick Martin's signature on there.

It's amazing. Spot on.

Look.

Mm. Oh, you have got a talent there, lady.

Done it loads of times. And yours.

Have you? I'm not wearing that!

What do you mean? It's Jaeger, that. Wool twill.

You're forgetting... You're older than me, Diane.

Oh, grow up. You're not the boss of me!

Get it on.

Right.

So, Nicky, that is the golden package for your warranty.

And I've thrown a couple of blank tapes in, too,

so you can record the top 40.

Gary, can you help the lady to the bus stop with this?

All right, Sandy, let's go up to the office.

You know where it is.

How are you doing? Not too bad, thank you.

You won't regret this.

Oh, I've got so many big ideas. I've been up all night.

Oh, you can take that with you. Give it to Vinnie.

Think it'll take more than a fax machine to bring Vinnie round.

You what? Oh, listen, have you got the float with you?

Can't wait to get my hands dirty.

No. No, I haven't.

This is awkward. Um...

The thing is, we're retracting the offer.

I'm afraid you're not going to be our new treasurer.

What's that, now? It's going to Des Clarkson.

Des Clarkson, the pie man?

Your brother-in-law? That Des Clarkson?

Well, that's a bloody swizz. How's that happened?

He's as bent as they come.

Look, to be honest with you, Martin...

And his pies aren't anything to write home about either.

We know about your money problems,

and we can't have it reflecting badly on the Rotary.

Whose money problems?

I haven't got any money problems.

What are you talking about?

Diane's told Vinnie everything.

No. Diane had four bottles of wine.

She was three sheets to the wind.

She was doing the lambada with a standard lamp,

for Christ's sake! She doesn't know anything.

What have I told you about knocking?!

Oh, um, there's a bloke downstairs.

Says you promised him two SodaStreams on t'bus.

Get out! Hey, come on, now.

That's no way to speak to a lady.

Oh, I don't believe this.

I think you need help, Martin.

Oh, why? Have you got a spare 1,200?

No, I didn't think so.

You promised me that gig.

You are full of shit.

My dad warned me your family were full of it.

I think it's best if I go.

Hmm. And nobody likes your conservatory either!

No, it's just a greenhouse with chairs!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Julie! Julie! What?

Get me Alan on the phone.

Jesus! The accountant!

Tell him I need to speak to him urgently.

KATH SIGHS

Oh, now, that is fabulous.

It's not you, that. Awful.

It's not me at all.

I'm going to have to zhoosh it up a little bit.

Add a little bit of Kath.

But I'm not really sure who Kath is any more.

Have you told her you found out who the Slaters are?

Oh, guess what?

You found out who the Slaters are. You're not going to believe this.

They're just a gang of kids. Actual kids.

Kids? How old?

Little lad. About ten.

Martin shitting his pants

about a bunch of little Bugsy Malones.

That doesn't make any sense. Why would he be frightened of a bunch of kids?

They're scallies. They've got him selling drugs. Obvious.

Is it obvious?

It's obvious to me. Dad reckons...

Dad? I took him last night.

I thought you knew.

No, I did not know. Why the hell did you take Dad?

Cos you told me to pick him up. It's fine.

He stayed outside anyway.

Oh, I am not feeling this.

Very frumpy.

I look like Meat Loaf.

I've never been to a business meeting. Have you?

Oh, yeah.

They used to let me do the teas for the committee meeting

at the Labour Club.

Oh, I was too old for Women's Lib.

I was in my 50s when they started burning bras.

By then, I needed all the support I could get.

I'm telling you now, Kath,

you go in that meeting and take no prisoners.

Think more like Billy Big Bollocks.

Be more...Martin.

You've got to look after yourself now.

COINS SLIDE AND RATTLE

What are you doing that for?

Doesn't t'charity count that up?

Well, I'm saving them a job. Did you get hold of Alan?

No, won't connect.

Did you leave a message? How? Won't connect.

What?

Go on, then. How much?

So far...

£11...

...54 and a half p,

two fruit pastels and a used plaster.

Ugh! Them poor little blind dogs.

Well, thank you, Julie! I've lost my bastard place now!

Blind dogs...!

One, two...

COINS SLIDE AND RATTLE

What's all this about?

I'm all out of laxatives.

Malcolm bunged up again? No.

I've switched the laxatives for Kath's bag of pills.

The ones from Martin's kettle.

What have you done that for?

Cos there's big money in this, Gladys.

Oh. Huge.

Shit has proper hit the fan, lads.

We had a lot of unhappy customers last night.

What was in that kettle?

Shift over!

URGENT PLOPPING

What we gave 'em was not ecstasy.

Yeah. He set us up, the helmet.

You what? Martin?

Some oldie. I think he works for him.

Proper snide.

And some old bird.

Calls herself "the cleaner".

I think Parker is more dangerous than we thought.

Yeah. Old fella cornered me, held a blade to me throat.

Then he said me and my brothers are gonna get it.

You what?

Yeah. Cheeky bastard.

Did he hurt you?

I roundhoused him - in the goolies.

I had to. He were trying to nick my wheels.

What's Parker playing at?

He's got till six tomorrow to get us the money.

Come on. He needs to know that we're not messing.

Don't trust banks, me.

I've never even had a bank account.

Why not?

Never had any money. Fair enough.

BOTH LAUGH

I don't know why I'm laughing. I think it's nerves.

I hear you. My arse has been flapping all morning.

Kath! It has!

Who are we fooling, Di?

What are we doing? No-one ever takes me seriously.

Seriously, they're going to laugh us out of there.

Oh, come on. What else are we going to do?

Let him walk all over us and leave us with nothing?

Well, me with nothing. You've already got nothing.

But you know what I mean. Oh, cheers.

Come on. This is it.

The only way we can get our own back on that man

is to take away the thing he loves most.

And I'm sorry, but that is not you or me.

It's his business.

So come on, let's do this. Let's take that away from him.

Come on, Kath. Come on.

All right.

How do you walk so fast in heels?

I'm a determined woman, Kath.

You're a machine. Thank you.

Have we got time for a quick ciggie?

DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY

What's going on, Alan? You can't come in.

Hey? I'm leaving shortly. I've got an appointment.

Who with?

None of your business.

You fired me.

Yeah, well, I'm un-firing you. You're un-fired.

I didn't mean it, Alan. I need you.

It's not my problem.

You'll need to sort out your own mess.

Oh, come on, mate! Help us out, will you?

The Slaters are moving in on me family.

And now Sandy bastard Cooper has screwed me over,

thanks to Diane.

You've got to help me, mate. I'm a dead man walking here...

..unless I can come up with the remaining 1,200 quid.

Did you speak to the bank?

You need to go to the bank and speak to them for yourself.

Hey.

I do not work for Parker's any more.

And to be honest,

I'm surprised you still do.

Alan, are you getting in this bath or what?

I know this might sound a bit weird, but...

..these last few days, I've never felt so alive.

I always thought I was content

with the life I had with Martin.

Actually...

..there's something I need to tell you.

I think it's really important

that we're honest with each other, you know? Yeah, course.

SHE WHIMPERS

I slept with Martin in the office.

Kettle day. I knew you had.

I said you had. Your nostrils were flaring.

Didn't I say you had? After everything we've been through!

I was doing it for us.

Hark at Mother Teresa here!

You'd do the same for me. Wouldn't you?

Diane? Would... Would you?

Would you?

Would you?

Would you?

Yes. All right. I did do the same.

I knew I couldn't trust you. Trust me?

What are you getting at me for?

It's him that's putting it about!

He's a prick, and you know it!

And what about what he did to Dad?

He put our dad in hospital.

Hmm. I still feel a bit guilty about that, actually.

Been lying through his arse,

promising you children all these years.

And now it's too late for you and your ovaries.

You should be livid. I'm livid.

Are you not livid with him?

Yes, I'm a little bit livid.

A little bit livid?

How dare he! Sod him. Sod him!

We don't need him gaslamping us any more.

We don't need him. Well, maybe I do need him.

Maybe I don't like being single. It's all right for you.

You've got your kids to look after you. Who have I got?

Who's going to look after me?

Me.

You don't even like me.

I don't...mind you.

In fact, you're growing on me.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Come on. We're in charge now. We can do what we want.

What do you want, Kath? What would make you happy?

I suppose...

...maybe get out of Gladys's,

get me own place, pay me own rent, get a bank account.

Learn how to cook a chilli con carne.

What's a chilli con carne got to do with anything?

Everything, Diane.

Are you ready? Yeah.

Yeah!

Let's kick these bastard doors down.

Not in these shoes, I won't. They're Italian leather.

Oh, hi, Lee. Hiya.

Did you ever get to Paris?

For Pudsey? On your bike?

Oh, probably. I don't give a shit, to be honest.

Hmm.

You being seen to? Yes. Yes, we've got an appointment.

Parker's Electricals. Four o'clock.

Yeah. Good luck with it. Thanks.

What the hell was that?

What? I was trying to think what Martin would do,

like Gladys said. I am telling you now

that Martin would not be slapping a man's arse.

PHONE RINGS Oh, what now?

Hello. -All right, Martin?

How are you getting on getting hold of my money?

I am literally outside the bank now.

Oh, we wondered where you were. You're not at home.

We've checked every room. What? You're in my house?

Get out. Get out now! I'm warning you.

I've got to tell you, Parker, this is the poshest room

I've ever had the pleasure of curling one out in,

I'll give you that.

Our Neil's downstairs eating your cheese.

I said you wouldn't mind.

He's never seen so much cheese.

You need to get out of my house now!

I got you all wrong, didn't I?

Here's me thinking you were just a desperate old man.

Turns out you're a bit of a shady bastard, aren't you?

Clock's ticking, Parker. Yes!

I know it's bloody ticking!

Just piss off, will you?

Just get out of my house

and piss the piss off, the lot of you!

Don't you dare fucking hang up on me!

So, as you can see, it's all been a bit of a pickle.

Pickle? It's been an absolute shitstorm, Travis.

I know where I'm going. It certainly sounds like it.

You will not believe what I have been put through, Travis.

We've. We've.

Get Travis here now! Is that Martin?

My God, that's him. What's he doing here?

You go. You go. No, no, no, no. I'll go. I'll go. You stay here

and sort this out and you can... ..do me.

Chop chop, Travis. KATH WHIMPERS

No, no, no. I will not move until I speak to the manager.

He's been talking to my accountant,

Alan "Turncoat" Hitchley, and I need to know what's been said,

so I'll ask you again. You bring me Travis or...

Sorry about that, Travis. It's quite simple!

I thought I saw a mouse,

but it's just your brogue.

Get on, love! Get a move on!

Mind me fingers.

Tell Travis it's a matter of life and death.

Death probably.

What the hell are you doing here?

What are you doing? Making a show of yourself,

shouting the odds like a fishwife?

I wasn't shouting. I just need to see the manager.

Martin Parker. Parker's Electricals.

I've banked here nigh on 30 years,

put a lot of money through those doors,

and now I need a bit of support

there's no bugger here.

Shower of shits, the lot of you! Martin, stop this right now!

I wish I bloody could, Di!

Everything's ready to sign. Sh!

You still haven't told me what you're doing here.

Checking up on me, are you?

Oh, don't fucking flatter yourself.

Oh, here she is.

The real Diane coming out now with her potty mouth.

What did you tell Vinnie?

You've been acting weird for the last few days,

and don't blag me with all that pissing "change" nonsense.

It's all in your head. You're just nuts!

Martin, please. Just mental in the head!

Like father, like daughter! Leave her alone.

Kath...

Look who it is, Di. It's your Kath!

Hey? We haven't seen you for years.

How long has it been now, Di? Eh?

Wow-ooh, looking good.

Cut the crap, Martin. You shagged her Wednesday.

CUSTOMERS MURMUR

You all right? Yeah.

What's going on?

We know everything. Everything.

The affair. The snip.

The loans, the debts, the Slaters.

And now you're drug-running for a gang of little children.

I can explain it all.

I just need to speak to the manager.

It's important business stuff. You wouldn't understand.

Oh, we understand. And it's too late, Martin.

We're in charge now.

We've taken the business from you.

What do you mean? How? No, you can't do that.

Turns out we're shareholders,

and we've done what's called an aggressive takeover.

No. You two done this together? As if!

Alan told us what we needed to do, but, yeah, we did.

We did it together.

Alan... That traitor Judas bastard. I'll clobber him.

Like you did with Dad.

He came at me!

Stop it, Martin. Just... Just stop it.

No, it's all a big mistake!

It's over, Martin.

Oh, and...

..I want a divorce.

And so does she.

Ish.

Are you the "top deal" man? Oh, fuck off!

Pathetic.

Pathetic? I wasn't pathetic

when you were on the bones of your arse

and I saved you both. Huh?

Gave you a better life.

You two have been sponging off me for years,

and have I ever complained once? No!

I just kept giving you what you want, both of you!

So I fell in love with the wrong woman - sue me!

Oh, I will. Watch me.

You've got this all wrong.

You got to tell 'em it's a mistake.

You don't know what you're getting into!

You will regret this. I promise you!

All right, mate.

I know how to leave a building.

DOOR THUDS

Bastard!

Shit... DIANE EXHALES

Oh, my God. What the frigging hell just happened?

We did it.

I am shaking like a shitting duck.

What a rush!

BOTH LAUGH

You forgot your paperwork, Miss Pennington. Cheers, Trav.

Look at us, eh?

A couple of high-flying businesswomen.

Well, you are.

Business is all yours, Diane.

Signed all the paperwork over to you.

What? Why?

Told you. It's never been about money for me.

I don't want to run Parker's. That won't make me happy.

I love my little job.

Oh!

Get off...

You'll get blusher all over me leather bolero.

Bloody hell, Di. Trowelled it on!

You look fab.

Oh, hang on.

Here you are.

Me lucky pebble.

It's been good to me, that.

Has it, Kath? Yeah. I'll be fine.

I'm a strong, independent woman.

Oh, and Bev's going to sell that bag of pills.

Worth a bomb. So, you know...

Promised me she'd go halfsies.

Go on. Pop it in your bra.

This isn't a youth club. Just go home.

Come on, everybody out.

We're closing.

Get out quick.

Quick, quick, quick, quick. What am I supposed to do?

Because my Darren's not picking me up till half past.

Just get out, Julie. He's got the work van tonight.

He's doing a bit of moonlighting.

Just bleeding Gary's nan's radiator for her.

Julie, I don't care. Just get out and lock the door.

Parker! You Tory bastard.

Oh, not now, Dougie. Piss off. We're closed.

A bread knife? What are you going to do? Make me sandwiches?

Might.

Go on, then. Put me out of me misery.

I've just traipsed up from the bus station.

I'm jiggered. Dougie, you can't stay here.

You'd best be gone. Otherwise they'll have you, too.

Who? A nasty group of people.

They've got me by the bollocks.

I owe them money. I can't pay it.

And they're going to kill me.

Smashing! Couldn't happen to a nicer fella.

Kath and Diane have taken over the business.

My girls? You're joking?

Little do they know there's fuck-all to take.

I'm worth more dead.

We live in hope!

You've no control over who you fall in love with.

Oh, bollocks. I love a bit of gammon, me,

but I can't have it, because it gives me terrible heartburn.

So I give it a wide berth.

You've no self-control, man.

If my dad were here, he'd be ashamed of me.

I tried to fill his shoes and I've failed.

I'm no good to anyone.

Everybody would be better off without me.

Shut up a minute, will you? How do you turn this up?

..Make her last public speech as Prime Minister.

Not Maggie as well.

Halle-bloody-lujah!

End of an era, eh, Martin?

Do you know, I came up here with a blunt bread knife

to ruin you tonight! But...ha, you beat me to it!

You shot yourself in the foot, Martin.

Ta-ra!

A great night! Great night!

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! Out, out, out!

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! Out, out, out!

KEYS CLATTER

..And all the flowers.

Now it's time for a new chapter to open.

He said he'd be here. Yeah. I told you he was sly.

You two, check round the back. I'm going to kill him.

BANGING

BANGING CONTINUES

CLANG, ALARM RINGS

MUFFLED SHOUTING

sell your soul

Don't look at me, Dad.

to know

Right, upstairs now!

Tom, Alison, get in here. I've got something to tell you.

ALARM CONTINUES

Parker, you shady bastard! Get out here now!

Come on, Parker!

My dad wants his money!

Fuck...

Lads! Fire!

Fire! Run!

without

Hi. I'm Diane Parker,

and welcome to Parker's Power and Electrical.

We're not just any electrical superstore.

We're YOUR electrical superstore.

Feeling peckish? Breville toasters - just 24.99.

What an offer!

And how about a camcorder

to capture all those happy family memories?

Just £499.

Top deal!

And why not treat yourself

to a state-of-the-art vacuum cleaner?

So easy to handle,

even he could use it!

From as little as 73 quid. No joke!

Cheapest prices this side of the Pennines.

That's the power of Parker.

DOORBELL RINGS

Lucky Panda. Banquet for two?

Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

I've missed you.