Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

Where am I? Martin Parker. Parker's Electricals.

Drugs? No!

Needs dropping off by tomorrow.

I am not doing a drug drop.

Whoa-oa-oh! LOUD THUD

Alison's school fees, Mrs Parker.

N-No. There must be some kind of mistake.

You've remortgaged the house. I beg your pardon?!

Piece of shit!

I can't think of a better replacement

for Rotary Club treasurer.

If you two put your shares together,

you'd own Parker's outright.

Go to his office and get that shareholder agreement.

You've distracted me enough.

What the bloody hell is this?

These bad boys are ecstasy tablets.

There's a fair few grand-worth here, easy.

Hiya. You didn't get it, did you?

What's he doing here? Oh, shit.

He can't see us together. Not yet.

Hold that door, will you? Thank you.

Excuse me, love.

I'm looking for Kath Pennington, hairdresser, or Gladys.

Erm... Right.

Shit!

Quick, quick. In here, in here.

Ow! No. Diane!

Yes.

MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

Oh, it's YOU, is it?

You've got some nerve showing your face around here, sunshine.

Where is she, Gladys?

I don't know who you're talking about.

Uh, look, this is important, love.

Don't you "love" me!

This is ridiculous!

Oh.

DIANE SIGHS

You getting turned on?

Eh?

Bit of bleach? It's like catnip for you.

What ARE you talking about?

You know -

where you first shagged Martin.

Oh, grow up! Sh!

Oh...

God, have you farted?

I'm very stressed.

Do you think he followed me?

He hasn't come for you. He's come for me.

Oh, has he, now?

To carry on your grubby little affair in an old people's home?

Very classy, Kath.

Says the woman who got pregnant in a cleaning cupboard.

BREATHES DEEPLY

That stinks. DIANE SIGHS

Oh...I don't have time for this.

Ah! Hey, that's mine.

Pervert.

You won't find her in there.

Well, I'm not looking for HER in there, am I?

I'm looking for a kettle.

Well, you're not stopping for tea.

MARTIN GROANS

Hmm.

SHE GASPS

Diane... What?

I lied to you. About what now?

About Julie.

Her massive hands?

No, but they are VERY big.

I DID go to the office last night.

I didn't wrestle Julie, but I did see Martin.

Right. So, you did get the paperwork, then?

No, I-I didn't lie about that bit.

I didn't get the paperwork, but I did get a kettle.

Oh, Jesus wept, Kath, you're talking in riddles.

I think he's doing drugs.

I think YOU'RE doing drugs.

Drugs? What are you...?

Oh, my God.

What? You slept with him, didn't you? I can see it in your eyes.

No. Unbe-fucking-lievable.

I didn't. I-I didn't.

I wouldn't do that to you. Oh...

Diane, I think he's dealing.

Dealing what?

Cards. What do you think?

Drugs! Like a drug dealer.

You're a fantasist.

I nicked a kettle for Gladys, cos she needed a new one.

I was trying to be nice. That's what I do.

I'm a modern-day Robin Hood.

Oh, is that why you stole my husband, then?

Will you listen to me?

I found a kettle full of pills

and a faxed copy of my tits,

and now Martin's come here to get it.

He's come for me. He's come for the drugs.

SHE LAUGHS Are you serious?!

Yes. Drugs?

No. Don't believe it.

It's a kettle full of the buggers. We're very lucky -

Gladys thought they were mints.

One sniff of them, and she'd be smacked right off her tits.

Bless.

I need you to tell me where Kath is.

What's the magic word?

Please.

Swivel.

Unbelievable.

Oh...right, listen to me.

You're going to have to go back to the office tonight and get

that shareholders' agreement.

No pissing about. We need it. Will you come with me?

Well, I can't. I'm out with Martin, aren't I?

You're effing what?

Oh, it's just some Rotary Club dinner. I'd rather not go.

So don't go. Believe me, I do not want to.

It'll be painful. But Sandy's offering him some

high-up position or something,

and he's got all giddy about it.

And I have to keep up appearances.

Oh, my God, Diane! DIANE SIGHS

Look, he's still my husband.

He'll smell a rat if I go AWOL. I have to go.

He can't suspect a thing.

I don't believe...

DIANE SIGHS Drugs!

Right.

Here you are. Back entrance. Go tonight,

while I've got my eye on him.

What do I do if someone asks me what I'm doing? Wh-what do I say?

Well, just say...the cleaner.

You look the part. Mm.

It's a bit risky, innit?

Oh, Kath, we're middle-aged women.

No-one cares.

Hit 40, and you're invisible.

They don't give two shits about us.

We could rob a bank and, as long as we had a pair of Marigolds on,

no-one would bat an eyelid.

SHE SIGHS

CLATTERING

Aha! Yes! HE CHUCKLES

So, where did you get this kettle from, then, eh?

Don't know what you're talking about.

What kettle's that? Never seen it before.

Ha! Thank God.

If I were you...

..I'd sleep with one eye open.

RADIO JINGLE

The first results in the hotly contested

Conservative leadership election,

which sees Margaret Thatcher with 204 votes

and Michael Heseltine with 154...

Go on, Maggie!

..at the top of the hour.

HE GROANS

RADIO OFF

CAR LOCKS

DOG BARKS

Keeley! What have I told you?

Take me cigs again, I'll take a match to your Care Bear!

DOG BARKS

Hey! I'll put a bloody knife through it.

Cheek!

Fuck off, you big fat shit!

Mum, have you seen my paisley hoodie?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

HE SIGHS

Give us one.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sod it!

Never knew you smoked.

Well, there's a lot you don't know about me, Thomas.

You're acting weird.

Am I? Yeah, proper weird.

What's going on?

You normally never leave home, and now you're never here.

It's been two days, Tom.

I'm always here for you.

Everything I do is for you.

Who washes and irons your clothes,

puts the food on your plate day after day, runs around like

a blue-arsed fly for everyone?

Who else has single-handedly kept this family together

when no-one else seems to give a single shit?

Not one shit! All right.

SHE SIGHS

Jesus, Mum.

Sorry, darling.

So, come on, then. Tell your mother.

Hmm?

What's going on with Zara?

I really like her.

I said I'd see her in France.

Shit! Shit! She's gone back! Oh, I forgot. I completely forgot.

I didn't say au revoir.

Oh... Well, I really like her.

She's different to the girls around here, so...

Yeah. Yeah. She's a lovely girl. Sound.

Are you all right, Mum? Yeah, course.

Promise me you won't turn out like your dad.

You are joking. DOOR CLOSES

Only me!

What the hell are you doing out here? It's brass monkeys.

Having a bit of air. Good day?

Not really. Had a day-and-a-half of it.

Oh, that's a shame. Your hoodie's in your wardrobe, Tom,

washed and ironed. Cheers, Mum.

Hey, you're not getting dolled up? Sandy's tonight.

Yeah. Looking forward to it.

Oh, and before I forget, Mr Scott grabbed me earlier.

Something about the school fees being late.

What? Are you sure?

No, that's not right.

I'll call him in the morning. I knew it'd be a mistake.

Thank you, Martin.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, bloody hell. I'll get that!

Hello, love. No, we don't need any tarmacking, thank you very much.

I'm here about the golf clubs for sale.

We...spoke on the phone?

Yeah, well, I'm buying new ones, you know.

I just don't want to... fling them out.

I'm practically giving them away. It's not all about money.

So, there's a bit of movement on price, is there?

Absolutely not, mate. There you go. Have a go.

Well, we'll take a tenner off for that.

Don't know what's happened there.

Still no money from Parker.

You need to go round and shit him up.

Yeah, I will. I'll go round later, see if there's a way in.

Yeah. All right. Smash a few windows.

Kick a door in. Yeah. Sound.

I've just got to finish my tea first, or Mum'll lose her nut.

Yeah. Best do that. All right. Sound.

Right, see you later. See you later.

I can't believe this! TRICKLING

You've had all day to get ready!

I need to get sorted now!

Di, where's my lucky blue suit?

This should all be ready for me.

This is your job, like - a woman's job.

This is what you do.

Di! Two ticks!

TOILET FLUSHES

I took it to the dry-cleaner's. It had a bit of mud on it.

No idea how you managed that.

Bloody hell, Di. That was my lucky suit, that was.

Here you go. All freshly washed and ironed.

PHONE RINGS

SHE SIGHS 4960977.

Is that Mr Pennington's daughter?

Yes. This is his daughter speaking.

He's ready to go home.

Oh! That's great news.

Can you come straight away?

No, um, I can't pick him up this evening. I'm sorry,

I've got a dinner party to go to. It's the Rotary Club.

Can you...can you keep him in until the morning?

Not really. We're the NHS, love,

not a Trusthouse Forte. No, it's fine. I'll sort it. Thank you.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Rude!

PHONE RINGS

Oh, nice necklace, Babs. Love a chunky chain.

Hides the turkey neck.

Hello! Kath, the hospital's phoned.

You need to pick up Dad.

YOU pick him up. They phoned YOU. Have you forgotten I've got...?

I've got a heist to do.

Well, I can't. I'm out with Martin, aren't I?

Oh, yeah. To your fancy dinner.

While I'm out risking life and limb.

Look, we need to stick to the plan, cos...

Yeah, the thing about these...these diets is, Marie,

you need to stick to the plan.

So, stick to the plan and have a jacket potato instead.

Stop gabbing and get dressed. Hurry the bloody hell up, Di!

The taxi'll be here in a minute.

Two ticks.

Is that him? Yes, that's right!

What's he wearing?

Oh, well, thanks for asking, Marie.

He's being discharged, so hopefully someone will pick him up.

Oh, thanks for offering, Marie.

She's going to pick him up. Is he wearing his lucky blue suit?

Listen, you silly cow.

Just stick to the plan and eat your potato!

Fine.

Is that new toothpaste? Rank!

Come on, Di. Get a wriggle on.

DOORBELL RINGS

You look nice.

Do I?

Thanks for doing this tonight.

It's a big, important night for me, this.

I know you don't want to be here.

I do appreciate it.

Oh, right!

Thank you!

So, remember, go easy on the wine.

Just sit there and smile, eh?

Knockout, Jean!

Hi! Knockout! In't she, Di?

Eh? He keeps you lovely.

SOFT JAZZ PLAYS

I love what you've done with the place.

Oh, I have the same breakfast bar!

Oh, thanks for picking me up, love.

I'll be glad to see the back of this place. I need a break.

Them nurses - all over me.

These looks - they're a curse.

Dad, I just need to nip somewhere before we go home.

You don't mind, do you? We can't be long.

I'm dying for a decent brew.

It's like piss water in there.

DULL THUDDING

DOOR BANGS

The Lady In Red by Chris De Burgh

So, er, you're in the building trade, Vinnie?

Yeah.

You might know me as Mr Skip.

You're looking at the man who introduced the mini-skip

to the whole northwest region.

Impressive.

And, er, you deal in white goods?

Electrical retail.

A wide selection of white AND brown goods across three stores.

Doing VERY well in VERY hard times.

Cool.

So, about this treasury... I've got a question for you.

And I bet you get asked all the time. Fire away.

Whatever happened to the Betamaxes?

Ah! See, I've got a couple of blueys in the loft, you know.

We've had dimmers fitted throughout.

Good for you. Nice to be able to set a mood.

Is this it, Jean?

Is what it? Life -

is this it?

A bloody dimmer switch and a fancy chandelier?

Biding our time until they jack us in for a younger model

with perkier tits?

Did I show you the vertical blinds?

No! No, you didn't!

Kath! What the bloody hell are we doing HERE?

I'll only be a minute, Dad.

You just stay in here and keep watch. Right?

Keep watch. Why? What are you going to do?

Nothing. Is HE in there, is he?

Well, I wouldn't mind a couple of minutes with HIM.

No, Dad, he's not. Cos I've got unfinished business.

What do you mean?

He had one lucky punch.

Martin punched you?! I thought you had a heart attack.

He is not going to hurt my girls.

Oh, I should've sorted him out years ago.

Oh, God. It is all my fault, isn't it?

Bad luck follows me round.

Seriously, I am cursed.

Oh, bloody hell! Don't tell me he's got you cleaning for him.

Christ Almighty! It's not like that.

Me head's up my arse. I'm all over the place.

I don't know what I'm doing.

It's crap, Dad.

It's all just a big load of crap. SHE SIGHS

I know. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look at that.

That's a good 'un, that is. Hey!

Keep watch... and don't make any noise.

Sh. Right?

WHEELS CLATTER LOUDLY

The conservatory's lovely, Jean.

Bet there's a lot of windows to clean.

Vintage Pinot Noir!

Oh, it is that.

Nothing but the best for you, Sandy, eh, Vinnie?

Oh, aye. SANDY CHUCKLES

So, here's to mini-skips, Vinnie. BOTH CHUCKLE

Nice necklace, Diane.

Oh!

I'm thinking of getting my Jean one of them fax machines, eh?

Keeps things spicy!

Excuse me, fellas. I'm going to have to check in with HQ,

otherwise I get all kinds of earache if I don't.

THEY CHUCKLE

VINNIE SIGHS

He's a nice fella, Vinnie.

Hmm.

Thanks for this, Sandy. It means so much to me.

Anything for you, Martin. You know that.

But you've been like a brother to me.

How IS your mum?

Great. Yeah. Never changes.

My dad always fancied her, you know? Hmm?

Said yours never missed an opportunity.

Shrewd as they come - like you.

But come on,

tonight's all about us getting you that treasurer's gig,

you winning over Vinnie.

Have you spoken to his new wife Fiona yet?

Thick as a Boxing Day turd.

But you can't deny she looks the part.

BELL RINGS

If you could all take your places at the table.

Oh, lovely. I'm starving. Come on, then. Right this way.

I've put place cards down to show you where to sit.

Oh, great! Do I have to sit next to Martin?!

MARTIN LAUGHS What's she like?!

Yeah. What am I like? Silly old Diane.

Do you need a hand, Jean?

She's fine, Diane. She loves doing it.

I love place cards.

She nagged and nagged for that conservatory.

It really is a cracker, Sandy, isn't it?

Top class, mate. Looks a beauty.

Bloody well ought to, price I paid.

Cost me a fortune.

Don't you even dare ask me how much!

No.

Very nice.

Lovely. Oh, thanks.

Oh, thank you, Jean.

9,850 of your English pounds.

And that's without the wicker furniture.

Hey, keep your voice down. SHE'LL want one.

SHE LAUGHS No, she will not.

She knows he can't afford it.

Oops! Am I not supposed to say that?

MARTIN CHUCKLES

She's pulling your leg. DIANE CHUCKLES

GULPS AND SLURPS LOUDLY

Eat up.

Oh, the cherry!

Prick!

Bernadette was always Bernie.

Patricia was Pat,

and Elizabeth was Betty,

which is mad, in't it,

cos she looks like a Claire?

You know what? I love names.

What's Diane short for?

Well, I'm stuffed. LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Lovely food, Jean, as always.

Wasn't it, Di? Thank you.

What? I just said the food was lovely.

Jean has served us a treat, as always.

Well, you can't balls-up shop-bought gateau, can you?

MARTIN LAUGHS

I think you've had enough, er, darling.

And I think you should mind your own fucking business.

True by Spandau Ballet

Should I dim the lights? Oh, yes, Jean.

You carry on fiddling with your dimmers, nothing to see here.

Er, Vinnie was saying he enjoys a round of golf.

We should pop over to that course in Lytham, it's belting.

Fantastic idea. Knock a few balls around,

put the world to rights. How are you going to do that?

Cos Martin sold his golf clubs.

I think he needs the cash.

No, no, I'm buying better ones!

Yeah. Let's do it. Make a lads' weekend out of it.

Lads?! You wish! BLOWS RASPBERRY

WHEEZING LAUGHTER

She's got a point. True.

But you're only as young as the woman you feel, I say.

And what shall we do when they're out cavorting, eh, ladies? Hmm?

When the cat's away...

..maybe WE should go out and have a bit of fun. Hmm?

Oh, Diane!

Could be a giggle.

DIANE LAUGHS

What do you reckon, Fiona? What's that?

Where do you youngsters go to get a bit of trouser?

Diane?! What?

I mean, that's what you're doing on your golf trips,

isn't it, Martin?

VINNIE LAUGHS

I like this one, Marty.

She's got bite.

Hasn't she just?!

What's she like?!

Hmm...

Oi!

Oi! Fingers!

What are you doing with my bike?

Sorry? My bike.

Are you deaf, or summat?

I thought it was abandoned. My mistake.

Yeah. Big mistake...Grandad.

I beg your pardon?

Do you know who I am?

No.

Marguerita Time by Status Quo

just like anyone else

Hey. Going well tonight, Martin!

Do you reckon? Yeah.

Yeah! Vinnie loves your Diane.

Does he?

She's the life and soul.

Listen, the treasury job's yours.

Congratulations.

We both decided there's no point hanging around.

I'll drop off the float tomorrow.

Thank you so much, Sandy!

That means so much to me!

Oh, and Vinnie wants one of them fax machines an' all.

What can I say? He's a tit man. DIANE CACKLES

My Fiona... Hmm?

..she's like a breath of fresh air, you know,

compared to that old witch.

It's like starting again. DIANE SCOFFS

Your Martin, he seems like a good 'un.

Let me tell you about Martin.

Hang on.

There... Yep.

Diane, get in! The meter's running!

Once again, Jean, I'm so sorry about the lamp!

Jean! Jean! Remind Sandy to pop round to the shop first thing

in the morning with the float and all that. I will do.

You're the best! Ta-ra!

Ta-ra. HE SIGHS

Everything is going to be all right, Di.

HE CHUCKLES

Ohh...

Driver, I just need to do one little detour.

Here you are, mate, anywhere here. Thank you.

Spot-on, mate. Just be a sec.

What are we doing HERE?

Oh, no. No. Martin, we need to go home.

I want to go home, Martin. No, I just want to pop in

and get a fax for Vinnie.

I said I'd pop it round first thing.

Tonight? Oh, no, Martin...

Martin, no!

Martin, no! No, leave it. Just leave it.

Just get back in. Can you take us home, please, driver?

Look, it won't take a minute, Di.

Do that again, and I'll knock you out.

I will put you over my knee in a minute, lad.

Dad! You can't be threatening a kid.

Are you all right, love?

Screw you, Grandma. SHE GASPS

Rude!

Who are YOU?

Who are YOU?

He's a little shit, that's who HE is.

Yeah. I'm your worst nightmare, sweetheart.

He's a Slater, whatever that means.

KATH LAUGHS

You're a Slater brother?

Yeah. What are you laughing at?

So, Martin Parker owes you money?

Yeah, he does, and it needs paying.

What's it to you, anyway, blondie? I'm his...

..his cleaner.

Then, you can tell him if he fails to pay,

me and my brothers are going to teach him a lesson.

What, how to do wheelies? HE SCOFFS

Here you are. This'll shut you up.

See you later, psycho!

Well, where's HE going?

I was just going to give him these bonbons.

Come on. Driver, can you just take us home, please?

Get back in. It won't take a minute, Di.

SHE SIGHS What are you doing?

You've never looked so attractive.

Huh?

I think I like you being the treasurer.

Oh, sneaky cow!

Bloody hell, Di!

Frig the fax.

Come on.

We'll get the driver to play us some Elkie Brooks.

BOTH CHUCKLE

Fool If You Think It's Over by Elkie Brooks

CHUCKLING CONTINUES

Drive on, mate!

at the morning sun