Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

Six grand. Friday. Alison, what were you doing in that van?

I'm calling the police. Don't you dare! You're fired.

I need to speak to a grown-up. No, they're busy, fart-knocker.

I think there's someone in your garden.

I'd watch your back an' all if I were you. Ah!

DOOR OPENS Hello?

HE MUMBLES

HE GROANS

RUSTLING

Oh, please don't hurt me!

Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Martin Parker. Parker's Electricals. Thank you.

Where am I? Oi! Liam!

What have I told you lot about bringing your work home?

I am not a B&B.

You are taking the piss.

Well, I tell you now - he needs to be gone before 11.

Our Sinead's bringing the baby over to watch Knots Landing.

And he needs shifted into the front room.

Fuck's sake, son. Me and Martin don't want to sit here

with your knackers on show.

Bloody hell, Mam. Why have you taken his hood off?

He's not supposed to see where we live.

Well, it's too late now, and...

..he's had a good look at me. Yes, I saw you.

The face is up here, sweetheart.

We'll have a brew.

Won't we, Martin? Yes, please.

And have you checked his pockets? He could be carrying.

I'm not carrying anything. Wait, carrying what?

Hey, hey!

That's my skin. That's just me chequebook and...

HE SIGHS

Oh, no, no.

Martin, what have we got here, then?

Oi, what are you doing?

It was empty. Look, you can't keep me here for ever!

My family will be worried! KETTLE WHISTLES

Blue Monday by New Order

Sisters.

You lying

piece of

shit!

SHE GROANS

PHONE RINGS

SHE SIGHS

SHE GROANS

Who played the character Lukewarm in Porridge?

That's B, Christopher Biggins, love.

No, B.

Has he asked if you want breakfast? Do I look like a Little Chef?

I'll sort you out, love. Don't feed him, Mam.

He's not having a sleepover. He's been kidnapped.

I'll knock us up a round of toasties.

I hear you've been getting all cocky with our Ryan,

threatening not to pay up.

You don't call the shots round here, mate.

Me and my brothers do that.

If you don't pay, you have to pay in other ways.

And he doesn't mean cheques.

What? Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, thank you.

No, I'm a married man. Straight as a die.

And very much into women.

No, thank you. No, not gay stuff!

Oh, with her? In your dreams!

Seven grand. Friday.

Seven? How come it's seven? It was six yesterday.

We know you've got cash, Parker. Nice big house.

And that is a dead posh school your girl goes to.

You can do what you like to me, but stay away from my daughter.

I can't promise anything, mate.

I'd leave that a minute. Burn the bastard mouth off you, them.

It's the beans. They're like lava.

People are suing. It was on That's Life!

Oh... Look, tell him I can pay the money back.

Please. I just need more time, eh?

Remember, God never closes a door without opening a window. OK.

I can give you a bit more time if you want.

Oh, that'd be great. Thanks. Just need to do a little job.

What's that? Different type of white goods, that.

Drugs?! No, no. No way. If you give it back now,

it'll still have your prints all over it, mate.

Needs dropping off by tomorrow.

No. No, you've got the wrong fella, mate.

This is not me. I'm not into drugs.

In fact, I'm very anti drugs.

Ah, poor wee Zammo.

Hey... No, forget it.

I am not doing a drug drop.

People know me. I'm a pillar in the community.

I've got a recognisable face. That's your problem.

Grow a beard. What, by tomorrow?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Diane. You can do this. You can do this. Come on. Oh...

What are we doing? Ah!

Where are we?

What the hell? Have you been here all the time?

Yeah. I didn't want to wake Gladys last night.

It's very comfy, actually. What is wrong with you?!

Oh! I feel like I've been dug up.

You do look a bit rough, bless.

Maybe you're coming down with summat, Di.

I think it might have something to do with the amount of alcohol

we had last night. Yeah. Might be that pill off Bev.

Why? What was in it? I don't know.

Well, I feel absolutely terrible.

This doesn't feel like a normal hangover.

What a night, though, eh? What a night! Right laugh.

I've not had a night like that for...ever.

Well, I had fun. Yes, I saw. Everyone saw.

I tell you what, that man was all over me

like a pigeon on a chip. Man? He was barely legal, Kath.

Feeling a little bit tender now, though, if I'm honest with you.

He's mauled you! You know what they say.

Best way to get over a man is... get under another one.

Classy.

What are you doing? Just get...

Oh, Kath, please! Can you just wait, please?

I'm sorry. Feet off the seats, please!

SHE EXHALES

What are we doing back here, anyway?

Turns out this is Martin's accountant's place.

Oh, aye. What's her name?

Alan. Alan?

Called me this morning. Said he's got something for me.

Hmm. Has he now? I don't know what it is.

He was in a phone box, and the pips were going.

Desperate to see me. Oh?

Maybe he can shed some light on all this funny business.

I'll come in with you. I don't think so. Come on.

Let me help you.

I tell you, I could flirt with him, get the info.

Is he single? Yes, he is. Oh, but that's not your usual type, is it?

I'll give it a bash.

See where we get.

I'll have him.

You're going to have to get out, mate.

Can I borrow 40p for the bus?

SHE MUTTERS

See if Diane's got anything.

Cheers. Get yourself a drink or summat.

Oh...

Yes. Let's do this.

You got any mints?

Got your Racing Post, bag of bonbons

and there's a little something else in there for you. Know what I mean?

Well, if it's grapes, I hope they're soft,

cos I've not brought me teeth.

What the bloody hell is that for? Revenge.

He'll be shitting teeth by the time we've finished with him.

Are you going to do it?

ALAN GRUNTS

I didn't know that... you two knew about each other.

SHE GIGGLES

You must be Kath. Who wants to know?

This is nice.

Thank you. St Michael's, but...M&S.

Oh. Sexy.

Do you know who'd look good wearing that? Who?

The floor.

My bedroom floor.

Yeah.

KATH EXHALES

SHE MUTTERS I'm sorry. I messed up...

I don't know what I'm saying. Did anyone follow you here?

No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. Are you going away?

Look...I'm going to stay with some friends of mine.

Edwin and Andrew. They run a guesthouse in Brighton.

Oh, nice. The Purple Pickle. Cut the crap, Alan.

Why are we here? Mrs Parker, you are both getting screwed.

Er, no. No, thank you. We're not into any of that sister shit.

We're only just back on speaking terms.

No, no, I'm... I'm just the numbers man. And I wanted to tell you

you've both been named as shareholders on the business.

It's a classic tax dodge. Can I stop you there, Alan?

What star sign are you? Virgo?

Kath, please. Sorry, Alan.

What does that actually mean?

Well, it means that if you two put your shares together,

you'd have a majority over him. Yeah? You could force him out.

Out of what? Out of the business.

You'd have a majority share. You'd own Parker's outright.

Both of you.

For years, he's treated me like dirt.

Spoke to me like I was nothing.

Now I'll never let anyone speak to me like that.

I've been completely loyal to him,

and he's just thrown it all back in my face. He's a narcissist.

It's time that man got his comeuppance.

It's a bit dramatic.

Ladies, if we work together, we can ruin him.

The business is his baby.

If we take it off him, he's got nothing.

It's a good business, too. He's just made poor decisions.

You two, you could make it great again.

And what do you get out of this, Alan?

Nothing, apart from complete and utter enjoyment

at witnessing his downfall.

Wouldn't you like that, too? After everything he's done to you,

I mean, you must be livid.

Go to his office and get that shareholder agreement.

Filing cabinet, top drawer, blue folder.

You will need that for proof for the bank.

Any questions?

Yeah.

Why is it called the Purple Pickle?

I did warn you. Told you they were hot.

Stick your tongue under the cold tap

and don't go making a mess in there. I've just Jiffed.

Bastard.

Mirror In The Bathroom by The Beat

please talk free

just you and me

Oh, you forgot the other boot, you wanker.

HE GASPS

HAMMERING ON DOOR

Come on, Parker. What are you playing at?

What is Kilroy up to in there?

Better not be taking a dump. Dragged up.

HE YELLS

Bus stop.

Yeah. You forget about buses, don't you?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Little vandals!

BUS APPROACHES Oh!

Sorry, love. Bit of a rush.

Where to? Er, town, please. 40p. What?

No... I don't suppose you'd take a cheque? 40p cash,

or 95 for a Day Saver. Look, this is very embarrassing.

You probably recognise my face from the telly?

Martin Parker. Parker's Electricals.

"Top deal. What an offer!"

Eh? No. Well, if you bring me into town,

you can have whatever electrical device you want under 20 quid.

SodaStream for the kiddies, kettle for the Mrs.

Two. What?

Two SodaStreams, you got yourself a deal.

Don't worry, love. I'll pay for him. Ha-ha! For a Walkman.

What?! Here y'are, mate. I'll do it for one SodaStream.

Yeah. All right, all right. You can all have whatever you want. Just go!

HE HISSES

You're bloody tapped, you. What the hell are you thinking?

We need him gone. He's poison.

If you don't do something, he'll never stop. You know that.

So you want me to kill the man?

No. Just scare him off.

With a blunt bread knife? They'll lock me up.

So they'll throw you in Strangeways. I can visit.

You get three meals a day. And they've just had a new roof.

Bloody hell, Gladys. I'm on pills here for blood pressure.

This'll see me off, never mind him. Well, if you won't do it, I will.

We need to do this for Kath. And Diane.

If you like.

Do you mind dropping me off? I'm still in last night's knickers,

and I've got a demi wave at two. Fine.

He's a bit intense, that Alan, in't he? Typical Virgo.

Did you know about this? What?

Did you know that he put your name down on the business, too?

Did I hell? Martin never talks to me about work.

I'm not interested. You've seen one toaster, you've seen 'em all.

Well, why did he put your name down, then? I don't know. Tax stuff.

That's what Alan said. And I was just starting to feel sorry for you.

Honest, Di. I didn't have a clue.

You do realise you are stealing my kids' inheritance?

No. No, I'm not. I promise you.

Look, I'll prove it. I can get Martin to give me the document.

I've got my ways. Trust me.

What have you come as?

Where have you been? Cobbler's.

Dropped me boot off on the way in, getting re-heeled. Weird.

Julie... Julie!

What the hell's this doing here? Oh, some lad dropped it off.

Cocky little shit. Didn't look like a cobbler.

Brought his bike into t'shop and were doing bunny hops

near t'chest freezers. You've only just missed him.

Anyway, he said you'd know what it were.

So I just need to check up on a few things...Lee.

I don't normally involve myself in this side of things.

Martin, my husband, normally does the money.

Never get married, Lee! I'm engaged.

Trust me. Walk away now. She's six months pregnant. Twins.

She's massive. Congratulations.

So, just out of curiosity, it's just like a little fun exercise,

if one was to leave one's husband, what would happen?

I'm not really qualified to talk about that kind of thing.

Mmm. I've only been here eight months. I'm usually on the counter.

Oh. Not really enjoying it, if I'm honest. Not sure it's for me.

Yeah. No, I just meant, you know, hypothetically,

in a financial kind of way.

I mean, I'm not going to leave him, obviously, but if I did,

it's just good to know... I get it. Say no more.

One of them, is he? Let's have a butcher's.

So, your accounts have looked better. What's that?

You've remortgaged the house. I beg your pardon?

Several missed payments on loans. That isn't good. I do know that.

Loans? No, dear God, no. We don't have any loans.

It's all there, all that red, the whole screen, really.

Can you check again? I think you've got the wrong details.

No, it's Parker. Parker. P for prick. A for arsehole.

Sorry... Can you just...? Can you just check again, please?

It's all there. It's not good. I'm flushing.

Can you tell me how much money I do have, Lee?

Can you at least tell me that, please?

AIR HORN BLASTS, SHE SHRIEKS

Come on. You're on. We're cycling to Paris for Pudsey.

What? It's my turn. Best of luck with it. Right...

Hi, Mrs Parker. It's me Dave. Dave Jackson.

You go to aqua aerobics with me mum. Winnie Jackson?

Oh, Winnie. Yes, Winnie. Yes. Lovely, lovely Winnie.

So... How nice. You wait till I tell her I served you.

She's going to be proper made up.

Right, then... What are we looking at here?

BELL RINGS, SHE GASPS

CHEERING

We've made it to Kent! Oh, brilliant.

Pam?

Pam, t'monitor's on t'blink again. Huh?

What have I told you about knocking?

And just for t'record, that's one of my teabags from home.

Oh, and guess who was in t'shop earlier.

That Rita Pelly.

Worked here in t' summer. Minger.

Well...she's come into some money. How much money? Shitload.

What did you say her name was again? Rita. You sacked her.

Oh, bollocks. Walking around like that.

Like she's royalty or summat.

Bragging cos she's got satellite telly.

Still got a face like a bulldog licking its...

Thank you, Julie.

Have you phoned Diane

to remind her about dinner at Sandy's tonight?

Yeah, it's on my list.

Oh, what's up with that kettle?

Broke. I'm sending it back.

Speaking of kettles...tea?

Hmm.

HE GULPS AND SWALLOWS NOISILY

OK. But I'm re-using the same bag.

Is Martin around?

Thank you.

There you go.

Hi, mate, just nipping up. Oh, sorry, Kath. Not today.

He said no visitors. He'll go mad if I let anyone up.

He's in a right old grump.

Oh. I think he's been out on the sauce. Came in with one shoe on.

Some lad on a bike delivered t'other.

But, hey, nowt to do with me.

Right.

You look pretty.

Have you changed your hair?

I'm just growing it out for t'wedding.

Have you booked your hairdresser for the big day?

Do you think I need one? It'd be a nice treat.

Yeah. I can do your hair for you if you want.

Would you? I can do any style.

I can do curls, chignons...

..and blue rinse.

Maybe just a bit of backcombing?

I'm just going to nip up to the office to use the phone.

I'm going to need to order some more lacquer.

DOOR OPENS Oh, for fuck...

Now is not a good time, Kath.

I don't give a frig if you think it's a good time, Martin.

Go home, Kath.

Please, just go home.

I don't have a home, remember?

I'm top-and-tailing with an 80-year-old.

And believe you me, it's no fun waking up next to them trotters.

Did you get my fax?

And?

HE SIGHS

What are you doing?

It's sexy time, Martin.

Body Talk by Imagination

Ooh.

No, Kath, don't do this to me!

No, Kath.

Yes, Martin.

It's our song.

Searchin' for breath

is such a beautiful thing

ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS

All right, Diane? How's it going?

Martin said to remind you about some dinner thing tonight

at Sandy Cooper's.

Taxi is booked for half six.

Yeah, hang on.

I think I need to put that. Yeah. I'm booking a taxi

for half six. Have a nice time.

Um, I'm going to t'pictures.

I'm off to see RoboCop two.

I've not even seen the first one.

Thank you.

ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS

HE SIGHS

I miss this.

I miss us.

I've ballsed up.

Yeah. Big style.

I'm in deep shit.

It's endless, Kath.

The shit is never-ending.

I'm in never-ending deep shit.

Oh, shit.

HE SIGHS I've been stupid.

Really stupid.

Got involved with a bunch of dodgy people.

I borrowed a bit of money, you know,

to keep the wolf from the door. And now they want it back.

And they keep wanting more and more.

I'm getting it together.

I'm just under a grand and a half shy.

But...if I don't...

Oh, bloody hell.

Who? Who are they?

The Slater brothers.

I did it for us.

For me and you.

You do silly things when you're in love, don't you?

Well, tell me about it. I once had a pixie cut

cos you said you had a thing for Twiggy.

That did nothing for you, that.

It's breaking my heart seeing you like this, Martin.

Now, I don't have much,

but you can have whatever I can get my hands on.

I get paid tomorrow.

You can have that. You can have it all.

Although I do owe Gladys for, like, sugar and stuff.

I need to pay that.

And a couple of quid for the catalogue.

You don't have to do that.

Oh, and I sponsored Betty's grandson.

He's just walked up Scafell Pike

dressed as Miss Piggy for Ethiopians.

But after that, you can have all of it. All of it.

Nobody's going to hurt you, Martin.

We'll sort this.

I don't deserve you.

Would you like my lucky pebble?

Nah.

Oh...

I love you, Kath Pennington.

Oh, Martin... Right.

Ooh!

Sisters.

We've got each other now.

FILING CABINET RATTLES What are you doing?

Go on. You've distracted me enough.

Oh, Gladys...

Ballsed up again.

I'm sure he's got some kind of voodoo over me.

It's like an out-of-body experience.

I just can't stop myself.

What's that? It's a kettle.

Yours is bust. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Oh, God. Diane's going to go ape.

Went in there all, like, strong and stuff,

and before you know it, bra's off, knickers down.

That'll be the fax.

I'm telling you, men can't resist a good pair of tits,

even in black and white.

Oh, God. What is wrong with me?

Bloody hell, Kath. Do you never learn?

I take it you don't want his kettle, then?

It's here now.

If a bloke ever got me a kettle,

I'd knock his bastard teeth out wi' it.

I'm not that fussy.

Used to do it for an egg in the war.

I would now, to be honest.

He won't notice.

Christ on a bike! Where is it?

Don't know why you're making such a fuss.

It was on the side, Julie. It was on the side!

Who's going to nick a bust kettle?

Who...

Klepto Kath! Should've known.

Oh, would now be a good time to ask for next Monday off?

I've got a big christening due on Sunday, and I don't want

to have to get up early to call in sick.

Shall I take that as a yes?

He's told me everything. Everything.

And I can't tell you, cos it's confidential.

But I can't tell you that it's bad.

Mm.

I know he's a bastard and that. He's a broken man.

What the bloody hell is this?

Is it a free gift?

Oh.

Happen they're mints. No, they're not mints.

What does the note say?

"450 love doves"?

Is that an address?

I don't know.

No. No, it's not an address.

Ladies, we've only gone and hit the fucking jackpot.

Oh, what are you on about?

These bad boys are ecstasy tablets.

There's a fair few grand worth here, easy.

KNOCK ON DOOR Hello!

I'll make a brew.

Did you get it?

Hiya. You look pretty.

You didn't get it, did you?

I went there. I did. But that Julie wouldn't let me up.

She had to practically wrestle me to the ground,

I was trying that hard to get in. It's not my fault.

CAR PULLS UP Oh, bollocks.

She's got massive hands.

What's he doing here? Oh, shit.

He can't see us together. Not... Not... Not yet.

Oh, shit. What are we going to do?