Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

..this side of the Pennines. That's the power of Parker.

It's all about image in my game. People look up to you, you know.

They've got a lot of respect for you.

HORN TOOTS You need to pay your debts.

Six grand. Friday.

Let's run away together.

Buy a boat and sail the world, eh? What about Diane?

Hello, darling.

You're finishing wi' me and chucking me out o' me own home!

I've just regrouted that bathroom.

Oh! How dare he!

I know people, you know.

ALARM BLARES

Who's this now? She's me sister.

If it's handed to him on a plate, he's going to take it.

He thinks you're disgusting. Ooh!

Here he is! The gobshite

who can't keep his mucky hands off both my daughters.

You cow!

Keep your whore-y hands off my family!

Scarf's nice.

I suppose you want to shag that, like you shagged me husband.

This is all your fault.

How? Your big fat mouth put him in 'ere.

You've got a big... Oh. Is everything OK? Thank you, Nurse.

Yes. I'll keep an eye on him.

Thank you, Nurse. I'll, um, pull the cord if I need you.

I'll pop back later. Thank you.

I mean, thank God that penguin was St John's Ambulance.

A stroke o' luck.

He's had a heart attack. How the hell's that lucky?

Oh, here she is, Negative Nelly!

Always glass half empty. Glass half empty? Dad's half dead

and I've just found out my sister's been having it off with my husband!

See? Very negative.

Oh!

Do you remember Mum being in 'ere?

Horrible, weren't it? Just, like, cruel.

In so much pain.

No-one should have to go through that.

I miss her every day. Do you?

She'd hate to see us two fighting. Well, she'd hate to see you

carrying on with my husband, but we are where we are.

It's shit like this that makes you realise

how important families are, doesn't it? Don't even go there, lady.

I did everything for our family when Mum died. Everything!

Dad had lost it and was always pissed up at the Legion,

and I had to look after you. I was 15. I was bright.

I could have gone to college and done something with me life.

Up the miners!

Oh, thank God.

Dad... Oh, what a relief. See?

Told you he'd be fine. You gave us a scare there, Dad. Hmm...

Diane.

Maybe this is a sign. Us. Here. Together.

Maybe it's a sign that we should make up. Yeah?

You're unbelievable.

HORN TOOTS

Oh, shit.

Not now!

HORN TOOTS

HE SIGHS

See you later, girls. See you later.

Look after yourselves, all right? Bye.

GIRLS GIGGLE

What the hell are you two doing? Visiting Grandad.

Alison, what were you doing in that van?

Well, he said that you told him to come pick us up and drop us 'ere.

Are you out of your mind? You know better than this.

Stranger danger. What have we taught you? He's not a stranger.

He said he's your mate. Well, he's no mate o' mine. Hey! Hey!

Now, you listen to me, lady.

It's you, innit? What's that? You're that Martin Parker.

Yeah, that's right. I bought a colour telly off you.

Do you remember? Yeah, of course.

Yeah. Nice to see you again. You're looking well. Collapsed lung.

They've said they can't operate. Right.

Your mate's got some proper fit tattoos, Dad.

Purple Ronnie. On his hip. Very cool.

Yeah. How do you... How do you know someone so cool, Dad?

Alison, have you been drinking? Dad! What's he said to you? Nothing!

Alison. I don't know. He said something about seeing you on Friday

or summat. And if you're late, he'll kill you. Yeah, he's dead funny.

GIRLS GIGGLE

Dad, are you not coming in? What? No, no, I got to get off.

I'm in the middle of stocktaking.

Now, don't be speaking to any more of my mates.

Straight to the ward, you hear? We still can't get Channel 4.

Is that summat you can help us with?

Do you love him?

Dad? No. Martin.

What a stupid question. Of course I love him!

Oh.

In me own way.

Life's not all Mills & Boon, you know, Kath.

It depends what bra you wear.

And what about, like...?

You know? Do you still mm-mm? You know, do you...

Do you still do it, like? How dare you?!

What? Really? Do you?

Are you seriously...?

If you must know, no.

Do you...? Well... No. Don't tell me.

Last time we did any of that business was

after Elkie Brooks at Stockport Plaza. When was that?

'83, '84.

To be fair, it was a very sensual show, but...

..not a dickybird since.

Are you winding me up?

Elkie Brooks?

I bloody love her! Martin knows that.

He swore blind he couldn't get tickets.

Milk snatcher! Dad! Oh.

Oh, Dad.

Piss-take.

We've got it on some boxes next to the rabbit hutch.

Well, I'm sorry about that but, listen,

if you just pop in with it...

..we'll have a look at the aerial, eh? And...

..good luck with the... The lung.

Sherbert pip?

Hmm? DIANE SIGHS

Aw... Are we bonding?

Alison! How did you get here?

Alison!

Wow! Look at you.

You're absolutely stunning. Uh, thanks. And where's your dad?

Oh, you've got lovely thick hair... Where's your dad?

..just like your dad. You're very lucky, cos your mum's is like straw.

It's very dry. Alison, where's your dad? He's outside having a fag

before he goes back and does a stocktake or summat.

Well, this is, um, Mum's friend from...church.

Peace be with you.

I'm just nipping to the ladies'.

No, you're not, cos I'm just nipping to the ladies'.

And also with you.

A Town Called Malice by The Jam

Why are you following me? I'm only going for a wee.

Do you think I'm stupid? You're not going anywhere.

Oh, look, Diane. Miserable bitch ward's that way.

Lucky we're in a hospital, Kath. Save you a journey.

Yeah, for when I visit you after I break your neck. You're hard.

Look, just go back. One of us needs to be there in case Dad wakes up.

Yeah, you do. No, you do.

My daughter's up there, so technically I'm covered.

Oh, typical you! Getting someone else

to do your dirty work for you! Dirty work?

You think looking after your own dad is dirty work?

Says you! Such a snobby cow, you won't even step inside his house.

What are you doing?

Yeah, that's it. Run away! Chicken!

Move!

Oh, well done, Kath, you've scared him off.

I'm going to follow him and see what the hell he's playing at.

Are those my keys? Yeah. Took your watch earlier as well.

How the hell did you do that? You're like a thieving Paul Daniels.

Come on! You're driving! You're not coming. I'm coming.

No, you're not. Shut your face. I'm coming.

Get in. No, you are not coming. Get in. I'm in. I'm in.

INDISTINCT ARGUING

It's stuck.

DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY

What's he up to?

Oh, do you think it's another woman?

I always thought I was the only woman. No, no, no.

I was stupid enough to miss one affair.

I can't be that thick I've missed two.

I am telling you now - a woman lives there.

What man do you know keeps window boxes that tidy?

Alan! Mr Parker. Oh, thank God. You've got to help me.

Hey! You're a dark horse, aren't you?

I didn't know you liked cars.

Well, this is bigger than I thought it would be.

Tea? I've run out of biscuits, I'm afraid. Keith...

My friend called Keith ate them.

That's right. Just a male friend called Keith.

That's all.

What's he up to?

Stocktaking?

That's what he'd tell you.

I was the stock. He was taking me.

Sometimes I was a golf trip with the lads.

Meet the lads. Oh, my God! You are vile.

I don't know how much more I can blag this, you know?

I'm just trying to keep everyone happy. All of them!

Who? Di. The kids. And the lady above the old butcher's shop.

Yeah, Kath.

That's over. Broke my bloody heart.

But I did what you said. I've been tightening my belt,

and now they're after my family. The Slater brothers?

Yes, the Slater brothers! They want blood. Oh, dear God.

Did you get the money? What?! I'm trying to. It's not easy.

You have to, Alan. You're my accountant. Could be you next.

Me? I've done nothing wrong. I'm going to the police.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

You do not go to the police about people like this.

Do you actually know what happens to grasses?

Did you hear about Big Ronnie Fletcher? Hmm?

They cut his lips off and fed them to his dog in front of him.

Can't even whistle now.

Poor dog's very confused. Oh, my God.

Every corner I turn, they're watching me.

HE GASPS

They could be watching us now.

Come on. You must have seen it. Bloke with the rubber face.

Phil Cool? No, Mr Bean!

Wears a little suit, drives a Mini.

He don't say a word. Well, he doesn't have to.

He's just like... SHE GROANS LIKE MR BEAN

It's hilarious. It's like proper piss-your-pants stuff.

DIANE SIGHS

Does Martin know that you know that I know that you know?

If you mean have I mentioned that my sister's a slut, no, I haven't.

Have you told him that you know that I know, you know?

No. Well, keep it that way.

It's not like Martin not to pay the school fees,

and then he ends your little...whatever.

Something doesn't add up.

Hmm...

Listen to Juliet Bravo 'ere, hmm?

SHE IMPERSONATES MR BEAN

That's what he does. Right. Not a word.

Sounds hilarious.

You need to meet them and reason with them.

Reason? They're not the Inland Revenue.

I think they're going to kill one of us.

This has nothing to do with me! Oh, Alan, Alan, Alan.

You're the money man. All roads lead to you.

HE SIGHS

I could murder a drink.

I've got a bottle of Blue Nun open. I'll pass.

What are you doing?

I'm doing what you should have done a very long time ago.

I'm calling the police. Don't you dare!

I knew I should never have relied on you.

You're fired!

Accountants like you are ten a penny.

You're fired, Alan.

If you want a job doing...

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Sh. Where's he going now? I don't know.

Go, go. Drive.

Drive... Drive... Yeah.

Quick! I can't get...

I don't know how she does it.

Last week, she made a pool for seals in Scotland in two days.

They were orphans.

Aw. Little orphan seals.

She's got a heart of gold, has Anneka.

Hmm! Squeezing my arse into one of her jumpsuits

would be challenge enough, to be fair.

So, you went to see Martin?

I walked in there and I told him straight.

He did not like that, let me tell you. Well, set his penguin on me.

What kind of drugs is he on? Swung for me.

A penguin? No. Martin.

And did you punch Martin back? And some!

And let me tell you, it's been a long time coming.

Hey? A neck on him like a jockey's bollock.

Edna Banks was in here a couple of weeks back.

Prolapse. She had a jam roly-poly and custard

she swore was restaurant standard.

Girls were in here before. Together.

Were they? Joyce would never have let this happen.

She would have never have let them fall out.

And me? I've lost 20-odd years with my girls,

and it's all because of him. We cannot let him get away with this.

We need to do something. We? What are we going to do?

Took us 20 minutes to walk down the stairs at the car park.

GLADYS SIGHS

MUSIC POUNDS Looks like a garage.

Is he getting the car resprayed?

There's a lot of mechanics.

I think it's a discotheque. This can't be right.

Who's he going dancing with on a Tuesday?

He doesn't even like dancing.

Depends on the partner.

Oh.

All right, mate? I'm here to meet someone.

Good for you, mate. No. The Slater brothers.

Oh, he's walked right in! He's a bloody regular.

Come on!

Oh, my God! I don't believe this. What?

Well, this is this is probably where our school fees are going.

What do you mean? Picking up skanky students.

Do you think?

Yes, hello. We're not here to dance.

We're just following that gentleman who just walked in.

Here! We're just following the older gent, the one...

Back of the queue. Have you seen him before?

Is he a regular?

Do you think he's shagging about? Back of the queue.

Ignorant pig.

For God's sake! Well, I am not queuing to get in there.

Uh, yes, we are. I have just found out

that the man I have been having an affair with

might be having an affair with someone else.

Have you any idea how I might be feeling right now, Diane? Hmm?

MUSIC POUNDS

Ohh... This is crazy.

Just go with it. "Just go with it!" That's what you do, is it?

Yes. It is, actually.

Is that why you're a homeless spinster? Thanks.

I can't go in there. What if someone sees me?

Well, maybe if you didn't dress like Maggie Thatcher,

you wouldn't stick out so much. She's actually a very stylish woman.

Huh! Look at me.

Marble-wash denim, second stall, Stockport Market.

Money doesn't buy you style, Diane.

That's what poor people say. Ohh...

SHE SNIFFS Can you smell funny fags?

Hang on. I know him. I know him! Follow me. Giggsy! Giggsy!

I do his grandad's hair. Well, maybe just his nose and his eyebrows now.

He's got massive nostrils, like two big water slides.

I thought grab-a-granny night was Thursday. You wish, dickhead.

You all right, Kath? I didn't think this was your scene. Oh, yeah.

This one needs cheering up.

Look at her - face like a smacked arse. She's just found out

that her husband's been cheating on her for 25 years

with a beautiful blonde.

DIANE SIGHS Bless.

Come on.

Well, where is he? Can you see him? Ohh!

Needs a lick of paint. It's a dump.

We'll never find him.

All I can see is armpits.

Just try and blend in. Like that...

Oh, look, there's another room. Oh, might be VIP.

He'll probably be in there.

They're all looking at me.

Nobody gives a shit, Diane. They're all having fun.

Mate!

HE COUGHS

RUBBISH CLATTERS

Have you seen this man? Tall. Athletic build.

Athletic? Hardly! White hair.

Or silver. It's very bouncy. No?

That's just tap water.

Excuse me!

Excuse me.

Ooh! Where have you been? You've been ages.

Any sight of him? No, nothing. Still not found him.

Hey, but I did find us these. What a mess!

£1, two pints of snakebite and black.

I'll be coming here again. A pint?

Could you not have at least got a half? Common as muck.

And I'm so hot. There's no windows.

Where do you think he is?

SHE SIGHS Are you hot?

I'm hot. I'm flushing.

Are you all right?

Ooh! Here...

..have this. Takes the edge off, apparently.

Edge off what? I'm not really sure.

It's legit, though. It's from work. No, I'm fine, thank you.

I think I've got St John's wort in 'ere.

Half it.

Give me that half. Thank you.

Oh, my God, that's...

When I had my colours done, I was told I couldn't wear black,

which is a shame because it's very slimming.

But you look amazing.

Black lipstick, good for you. Like a sexy Grim Reaper.

Hiya, Kath!

KATH SHRIEKS

Hiya! Uh...

Can you play September?

September!

Earth, Wind & Fire. September!

Earth, Wind &... Ooft!

Septe...

Do you know Earth, Wind & Fire? Oh, I love it.

I love disco.

HE SIGHS

It's filthy in there.

It's filthy! And I don't care.

I love you.

I love you, too. And I really love you.

Yeah. We both really love you.

What a night. It's divine. We should do this more often.

I love it. Happy people dancing! I just never felt so happy.

I haven't felt this happy in years!

It's all been a show!

Tonight, I just want to dance and swirl.

It's the music, Di. It's hypnotic.

I keep forgetting you stole my watch.

I keep looking at my wrist, and it's gone. It's stolen.

You've got very smooth wrists. That's a talent, Kath.

You should do something with that. Thank you.

Martin gave me that watch.

SHE GASPS

I think I hate him. I hate him If you hate him. I do.

Sisters.

I mean, who wears cowboy boots if you're not a real cowboy?

He hasn't even got a horse.

Tit!

Look at us. Hmm.

Look, we... We are effing fabulous!

But I need to stay with him for the kids. Aw...

And the house. The lovely house. I'd love kids.

Martin always promised me. Good luck with that.

Well, I've still got a bit of a monthly,

so I could probably push one out.

Not with Martin, you won't. He had the snip after Alison.

You fucking what?

Where's Mum and Dad? I don't know. Not here. What do you mean?

Both of them?

TOM SIGHS

And she hasn't left anything for tea.

Piss-take. Well, she left us at the hospital.

Went off with some church friend.

Probably gone to midnight mass, or something.

Why would he lie to me?

He promised me.

That's all I've ever wanted, Di, like, marriage and kids.

SHE CHUCKLES I'd make a brilliant mum, me.

Oh, you would. You so would. Well...

I'm not the confident career girl everyone thinks I am, no.

He's played me like a bloody flute. Fiddle.

What am I going to do now? Who's going to want me?

I'm like a shrivelled-up...

..barren old husk lady.

I want to be furious, I really do, but I'm just so bloody happy!

DIANE LAUGHS

Yeah...

We'll be fine. Yeah.

We've got each other now.

LOW GURGLE

I think I've just been sick in my mouth.

Oh, this is the best night ever. Yeah. Come on, let's dance.

Come on! I can't get up.

DIANE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS

All right, young fella?

I'm not sure you should be hanging about down here

this hour of night. Does your mum know you're out?

Yeah. Piss off.

I was told you wanted a word. You what?

Come on. Time's money. Who the hell are you?

What do you want to see me for?

Are you one of the Slater brothers?

Oh. Not as stupid as he looks.

What are you worried about?

I can't believe she's not here on Zara's last night.

Uh...I think there's someone in your garden.

No, this is silly. I need to speak to a grown-up.

One of your brothers.

If you could go and get them for me, please, mate.

Nah, they're busy, fart-knocker.

Got something to say, you can talk to me. OK. Right, now I am going.

I will not discuss business with a ten-year-old.

I'm nearly 13, ball-bag.

Tell your brothers they need to stay away from my family

or they won't see a penny.

You're funny, you! Am I? Here, get yourself some pop and crisps.

Oi!

Oi! Talk to me like that again, I'll rip your face off, you nonce.

Yeah. Wait till I tell my brothers you touched me up.

They'll tear you a new one. Keep walking, you fanny.

And I'd watch your back an' all, if I were you.

Ah!

Reward by The Teardrop Explodes