Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

I knew you'd change your mind. It wasn't hard.

I disagree.

I couldn't stop thinking about you

and what I'd do to you in that sexy little milkmaid's outfit.

I mean, look at you, Kath, you're a bloody goddess.

I've been really stupid.

Russell Grant thinks it's all to do with Mars being in Aries.

Messes with your mind, Martin.

You mess with my mind, Kath. You always have.

Sod it.

Let's run away together,

get married, buy a boat and sail the world, eh?

What about Diane? She don't like boats.

She once got seasick on a log flume.

It was an undercooked hot dog, as well you know, Martin! Diane!

Die Wurst war zu wenig gekocht...

Stop it! Martin, stop. That is it! It's over.

Martin, don't leave me. Don't leave me!

CAR ALARM BLARES No! No!

You're mental.

BANGING ON DOOR Shit!

All right! I'm coming!

What the bloody hell are you banging so loud for?

Take a picture. It'll last longer.

Parker's Electricals. We've come to move you out.

Are you hell as like?!

What...?

Hang on a minute.

LINE RINGS

Hello. Parker's Power & Electricals. Julie! Who's calling, please?

Martin, your boss. Oh, hiya.

Listen, after this call, do not answer the phone.

What if it's my boyfriend? I don't care if it's your boyfriend.

What have I said about personal calls? Even me mam?

Yes! Even your mam. Ignore it. HORN TOOTS

She's taking Kylie back in. She's bust her stitches. Yeah.

Get my car booked in. Respray.

Did you do this? Might have.

Yeah. Well, you need to get off my driveway now.

And you need to pay your debts.

I've told you, I'm sorting it.

No, please. You need to leave now. Go on.

Friday.

Travellers!

Seeing if we want the driveway tarmacked.

Did they come last night? I thought I saw a van.

There's nothing wrong with our drive.

SHE GASPS

Told you. Didn't I tell you?

This is what you get for asking your French lot round.

"Big fat shit"? Fat shit?

What do they mean? Disgusting. Imagine saying that about you, Di.

Oh, God. Do you think they mean me? Well... Right,

that's it. Straight back on the Rosemary Conley for me.

Tom! Oh! If you want this lift, you need to come now.

I'm going to be late. Well, this is very upsetting.

They can't get away with this, Martin.

I'm going to have a word with the school.

No, no, no, no. Leave that. You don't want to go in there

getting all emotional, embarrassing yourself. I'll sort it.

Tom! Oh.

I'm not getting in that. Oh, get in.

PHONE RINGS Come on, Julie, pick up.

POP MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES

What? Keys.

Not got 'em.

HE SIGHS I've not.

I had to shimmy up the drainpipe last night.

Christ knows where I've put 'em. LINE CONTINUES TO RING OUT

Hey, two girls on the go. You were necking a different one last night.

Good lad, keeping your options open.

Oh, here we go. Roadworks. As if I'm not late enough.

PHONE RINGS

Your mobile phone's ringing. Mm-hm.

What's the point in having one if you're not going to answer it?

I'm going to need some new wheels soon to get to and from gigs.

Oh, yeah? And who's going to pay for these wheels?

Well, you promised you'd get me one as soon as I pass my test.

It's been six months. Yeah, well, I'm still looking.

You need to get off your arse and find a job.

Corduroy Jesus is my job. What? Corduroy Jesus. My band.

Corduroy bloody Jesus.

I've just written a new track. Thatcher Is A Mofo.

How dare you?! You live in a bastard dream world.

Sat around doing sweet FA since you finished college.

All that money wasted. When I was your age, I was grafting.

I ran a chain of stores. Paid cash for a Ford Anglia.

Thank you. About time.

I told you, I don't want to flog fridges for a living.

Yeah, well, sometimes you don't get what you want in life, Tom.

Sometimes it throws shit at you.

Are you ready for that? Ready for shit?

Hey! Button it, lippy. Come here.

Get yourself some dinner and put a comb through that bloody hair.

Will you stick one of these up in your shop? No.

Two and three, Rustie Lee.

Young and keen, 15.

Gladys, I'm going to have to stay with you for a bit.

You don't mind, do you? How long's "a bit"?

Sh! 77. Winnie Owen's gone to heaven.

Aw.

Aw... Poor Winnie.

Oh, that's your Teasmade sorted, Glad.

Does your mum have to watch her weight, Zara?

Leave it, Mum.

Well, I bet she's lovely and slim, just like you.

So where's today's excursion? Liverpool.

Oh! Albert Dock. Oh, Albert Dock. How wonderful.

Come on, Alison. Hey, you'll see Fred the Map.

A map of Liverpool? Oh, no. It's a big floating map,

and Fred thingy jumps from Blackpool Tower to Stonehenge,

telling you if it's going to be windy or not. Boring.

Oh, you'll love Liverpool, Zara. Do you get Brookside in France?

Sinbad? Bobby, Sheila? Well, Sheila's with Billy now.

Damon and Debbie? Oh, poor Damon died, didn't he,

Alison? Mum. No-one cares.

Mrs Parker, could I have a quick word before you go?

Oh, yes, Mr Scott. Sorry, Graham.

Actually, I was... I was hoping to bump into you.

Thanks for driving us, Mrs Parker. Oh, pleasure, Zara.

Lovely girl. Au revoir, girls! Have a lorra, lorra laughs.

Sorry. I don't know what came over me, then.

I was just telling Zara about Brookie.

Shall we? Yes.

52 Danny La Rue.

Any luck, Malcolm?

I don't think you're even trying.

Here, take half of this, and you should be right.

But make sure you stay near a bog. OK.

If there's no movement by t'weekend, we'll have to go in manually.

Oh...

You dirty pig.

Six and nine meal for two.

House! Check that.

LINE RINGS She's full of it.

No-one's answering.

This is getting right on my tits now. Pick up, Martin.

False call. RESIDENTS BOO

Bugger him. Going to leave him to stew.

Four and six - dog with two dicks.

You've started a right shitshow, Gladys.

Why did you tell me to go round to his house last night?

I should have just gone home. You what? I did.

I did tell you to go home. I don't think you did.

On its one, one little duck - number two. Quack!

I made a right knob of meself. I vandalised his car.

Oh, he bloody loves that car. I need to apologise.

You are going to apologise for nothing, lady.

He's the one that's been playing away.

Imagine sleeping with two sisters from the same family!

What's that?

You were shagging your sister's fella?

Kind of. How did I not know about this?

You're the biggest mouth in here.

Maggie's den Number 10. RESIDENTS BOO

Fair play, Kath. It's like an episode of Dynasty, this.

She's the cheater, actually. He was my boyfriend first.

She stole him from me. Fact. Barely legal 16.

Oh, house.

Oh... Bloody hell.

Check it. Jammy bitch.

We have a winner. Oh, cock-a-leekie.

Not keen on that.

I hope this weather holds up. It's a lovely day for it.

I, uh, appreciate this is delicate.

Yes, it is. It's very upsetting.

It's OK. It's easy to let things slip when we're busy.

Yvonne Trimble, we don't run. We walk!

And we have written to you and Mr Parker. You've written to us?

Oh, you don't hang about, do you, Graham? You run a very tight ship.

Well, we can't turn a blind eye to this.

It gives the wrong impression.

Well, it's good to know we're on the same page. Super.

So I take it we'll be receiving payment from yourself soon?

Sorry, Graham. Come again. Andrew Boyle,

fingers don't go there!

Alison's school fees, Mrs Parker.

We haven't received payment for the past two terms. School fees?

Oh, no. No, no, no. There must be some kind of mistake.

No, I don't think there has been. I have double-checked.

And, uh, could you ask Mr Parker how he's getting on

with that coffee percolator he promised me for the staffroom?

Oh, yes, of course, Graham. Yes, I'll talk to Martin.

Thank you. Thanks, Graham. Thank you.

Tuck your blouse in, for God's sake!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

She was working at the chicken factory.

Hated it.

Jealous as hell that I was modelling. Modelling?

You? Yeah. Pageants and that.

That's how I met Martin, actually.

He was judging Miss Stockport County at the Bamboo Club.

Came first.

Twice that night. You were Miss Stockport?

Yeah. Nearly two years running.

So I get Martin to get her the job at Parker's,

just, like, trying to be nice, like. Next thing you know,

she's shagging him in the cleaning cupboard.

That was the last time she was anywhere near a mop!

Not seen her since.

Never even met her kids.

Sad, really.

Right, Les, let's get these eyebrows sorted.

Keep still for me. Good lad.

So what did you do? Well, what could I do?

Went and got herself pregnant, didn't she? Trapped him.

He was trapped.

He had no choice but to marry her. He's a man of honour. Sounds it.

Now he's dumped you twice. You need to sort him out.

Get your revenge. What are you on about?

You want to start smearing dog dirt all over his door knobs.

Brick his windows.

Burn his shop down. No, no, Glad. No more violence.

Sod revenge. You want to show him what he's missing.

Yeah. Walk past his shop, crop top, tits out,

little skirt just an inch below your min... All done!

Very handsome, Les.

A little choccie treat, my love. Dougie's 'ere.

Oh, he'll not be happy to have missed the bingo.

Oh, shitting hell. Do us a favour. Not a word to Dad about Martin.

He don't know a thing. Oh, come on, love.

You can't keep this a secret from your own dad.

Gladys, it's complicated. Just don't say anything. Hiya.

Kath's got news. He's left her.

Betty Hopkins, stop shit-stirring.

Who? Who's left you? Your son-in-law, Billy Big-Bollocks.

Martin Parker.

Fuckin' hell.

Sorry for swearing.

I always knew he were a wrong 'un. Never liked him.

Stuck-up sod.

Does our Di know?

Oh, bloody hell, Kath!

Is this why you two haven't spoken all these years?

I always thought it was because she didn't ask you to be bridesmaid.

Got that ginger lass instead. Yeah. Brenda from Co-op.

And she's got a buzzy eye. I know. Ruined all the photos.

Yeah. How could you?

Diane's always looked after you. She practically brought you up.

Oh, good old Diane. Everyone's favourite.

Diane can't do anything wrong, can she? Kin' hell.

Sorry for swearing.

What would your mum say?

This is awful.

I don't know what I'm supposed to think, even.

What am I supposed to do with this? Nothing.

Just leave it, Dad.

Yeah, you're right. I'm going to fucking kill him.

Dad... Sorry for swearing.

Have you booked me car in yet?

Garage won't look at it until you settle your bill. Shit!

Where else have you tried? Nowhere. Well, why the hell not, Julie?

I've been dead busy not answering t'phone. Oh...

Get me Alan!

The accountant!

And then sort me car out, eh?

DOOR SLAMS

SHE SIGHS

Dad's gone to see Martin.

Oh... Maybe I should ring the shop.

It's just talk. Don't worry about them.

Come on, let's do this before Mandeep comes back from t'bog.

OK. What am I doing again? You want to get him back, don't you?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, show him what he's missing.

He'll lap this up and he'll be begging you to come back. Trust me.

Right. Are you sure?

Abso-fucking-lutely. Begging.

OK. Mind the door. All right.

PHOTOCOPIER WHIRS Oh, that's cold!

Oh!

Alan! We're code red here.

Two of them showed up outside my house this morning.

Broad daylight.

Scratched "big fat shit" on the side of the Merc.

Can't sell it now. Luckily, Diana and the kids didn't see them.

Jesus! No, I told you, I can't report it.

They want their money, that's all. You go to the bank,

see what you can do. We're two grand shy.

Sandy Cooper's here. Are you still not in? I told him I'd ask you.

No, no, no, no, no. Show the man in. Got to go.

Sandy, you old bastard! Looking good, sir.

Looking good. A couple of weeks in the Algarve. God's country.

Just what the doctor ordered. POPS TONGUE

Oh. Yeah, she loved it out there. Course she did.

Still, keeps her quiet.

Ohh! Women. She's downstairs now looking at toasters.

Nothing wrong with the one we've got,

but apparently red's all the rage this week,

so I thought I'd just bob in, see how miladdo's doing. Hey?

Hey?

So, how's tricks? Great.

Yeah. No. No, no complaints. Business is very good.

Booming, in fact. Glad to hear it, pal.

And your Diane, how's she keeping?

Never better.

God, I remember my dad talking about sitting in here

shooting the breeze with your old fella. Great man.

He'd be proud of the success you've made of everything.

You know, the business, happy family.

People look up to you, you know?

They've got a lot of respect for you.

Cheers.

Oh, what did we do before faxes?

Do you think he'll send one back? Of what?

A squashed-up ball-bag? Pic of a dick?

Who'd want to see that?

FAX BEEPS

Wouldn't mind.

Ugh, Kath!

Right. Ready?

Go on, then.

Send?

Oh, no.

FAX DIALS

They do look good. They're fantastic.

The thing is, Dennis Larch is giving it all up.

Discovered religion. Yeah. Found Jesus after his wife

caught him parading round the lounge in her knickers.

But you didn't hear that from me.

Anyway, Martin, I can't think of a better replacement

for Rotary Club treasurer.

That is marvellous. I mean, not the knickers bit.

Oh, your timing couldn't be better.

I mean, this is perfect...

Hang on. It's not a done deal yet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I will not let you down, Sandy.

I'll bring a fresh, new approach to it.

My fiscal knowledge...

FAX WHIRS

That'll be a wrong number.

Wednesday night, you and Diane must come over for dinner,

see the new conservatory.

Our VP, Vinnie Hayes, will be there. You'll need his vote.

Hey, and you can meet his new wife.

I've got Y-fronts older.

Wednesday night. Perfect.

Right, well, I've kept you for long enough.

Best get back to our Jean before she bleeds me dry.

MARTIN CHUCKLES

Thank you so much, Sandy.

It's an honour. I will not let you down.

Yes!

Oh, thank God. Oh...

Can I get myself one of these fax machines downstairs?

Julie. Julie! Make sure Sandy's wife gets the staff discount.

What's up wi' you?

You are looking at the new treasurer of the Rotary Club.

Oh, that sounds boring. Boring? It's a very important role.

I'm their face of finance.

Things are looking up, Julie.

you know you're in love

or if you're a child

you've seen it all before

Oh, excuse me. Do you happen to know whose keys these...?

Number nine. Number nine? Thank you.

It's only lukewarm. Kettle's buggered.

Water from the tap would be hotter. Oh, frig me.

The state of that! Being single's aged me.

And me.

Here you are. That should take the edge off.

Oh. Work miracles, does it?

Hey, I can be your wingman now you're single.

We can go Thunderdome on Oldham Street.

Oh, no. Oldham Street? Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Last time I was down there,

I was felt up by a black and white minstrel.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, yeah? You're a dirty cow, you, Gladys.

Oh, he was a gentleman.

Kept his gloves on throughout.

You up for that, then, Glad? Find you a fella with a pair of mittens?

No!

Hiya.

Is this a joke?

What the...?

What is this? This is my room.

And who the bloody hell are you?

This is my sister.

Oh, right.

Come on, Bev.

But I am warning you -

if I hear any scrapping, I'll be right back.

I am not missing that.

You look like Mum.

And you look like you're stalking my husband.

Hardly stalking.

KEYS CLATTER

Where is he, then? Is he here, is he? Or is he at your place?

This is my place. What? You live 'ere?

Yeah. You get used to the musty smell.

How long has all this been going on? I've only just moved in.

No, idiot! You and Martin.

Oh, so he's told you about us?

Oh, my God. Are you joking me? I've got that necklace.

Did he get you one, too?

The same necklace! What a cliche!

I got this and a pair of BaByliss crimpers. Christmas '81.

It was a good year. He's my husband.

He's your meal ticket. That's all he's ever been to you.

I beg your pardon? What about you? What's he to you? Sloppy seconds?

Uh, he's your sloppy seconds. Oh, here she goes!

You were 16. And...?

We're in love. Love? Oh, please. No, no. I'm going to throw up.

Listen, I know exactly what you're after,

and I'm telling you now,

you will not be getting a single penny of our money.

I don't want your money. It's never been about money.

Oh? Have you forgotten about the wedge we gave you

to clear off and get the hell away from us?

I did get away. I went to London for a few days. A few days? Yeah.

I got my ears pinned back.

Wow. I know.

So we gave you money for a new life,

and you got your ears done. And what then?

You just came back and carried on shagging my husband

with your brand-new ears in an old people's home?

I told you, I've just moved in.

Here come the lies. You're a liar and you're lying.

It's all lies. I'm not lying.

And anyway, it doesn't even matter any more

because he dumped me last night. Dumped you?

Yeah. And I've been trying to get a hold of him all day

because I wanted to apologise for coming round to the house.

My house? I just lost it.

You're the big fat shit!

No, Martin's the big fat shit. He said I was the big fat shit.

I'd write it on your car if you were the big fat shit.

You were at my house? How could you? How dare you vandalise the Merc!

I'm a passionate person, Diane.

Sometimes I do things without thinking.

That's what Martin says he loves about me.

Oh, please. He loves that you're easy.

If it's handed to him on a plate, he's going to take it, isn't he?

Yeah. And he does.

And he loves it, because he thinks you're disgusting.

Ooh!

You silly cow!

I hate you!

No! No! Get off me hair!

Ohh!

Not my ears! Yeah! Yeah! Cos I paid for those ears!

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

Agh! You've unpinned my ears.

I've worked hard for the lifestyle I've got.

So you keep your whore-y hands off my family.

All right, Krystle Carrington, calm down.

God...

Who else knows? No-one.

Gladys.

Betty.

Bev and Les. Oh, Christ Almighty. Oh, Mandeep in the office.

Dad.

What?

When did he find out? About an hour ago.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Christ, I miss you.

Mr Parker! Mr Parker!

You've got to see this. It's proper kicking off downstairs.

Some tramp's got the penguin in a headlock.

Aw, shit.

I caught two buses to come here.

So tell that selfish Tory prick to come see me

or the penguin gets it.

Back off. Snap his neck like a bloody carrot, won't I, Penguin?

Yes. Oh, here he is.

The gobshite who can't keep his mucky hands off both my daughters.

Had a drink, have you? You want to calm down, pal.

You're the one who needs to calm down.

Grown man, acting like a bloody teenager.

You've enough cheek for a second arsehole.

Why don't we take this outside, get you some fresh air?

Oh, yeah. You'd love that, wouldn't you,

if it all just went away? Well, guess what?

I'm going nowhere, you lying sack of shit.

Hit him in the face, Grandad! Watch it, Julie.

One more written warning, you're out.

You've always thought you're better than us, haven't you? Eh?

Well, I'm a better man than you are! And do you know why?

Go on, tell me. I'm game for a laugh.

Because I'm a good man. I'm loyal and I'm honest.

And I didn't cheat on me wife.

BYSTANDERS MURMUR

Picked the wrong family this time, haven't you, Parker?

Hey? Oh, yeah? Yeah. This will be the undoing of you,

mark my bloody words! Will it? Yes. Yeah? Yeah! Yeah? Yeah.

Well, I can't help it if your daughters were easy.

Fuck him...

Hey! Get off!

BYSTANDERS GASP

Gary! Hand round some balloons. Quickly.

All right, everyone, show's over.

Shit a brick, I think you've killed him.

that really was gone

Oh, those Russians.