Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

Hi. I'm Martin Parker. Welcome to Parker's Power & Electricals.

We're not just any electrical superstore.

We're YOUR electrical superstore.

Feeling peckish? Breville toaster. Only 24.99.

What an offer!

What about a camcorder for Dad? Only 499. Top deal!

Why not treat the wife to the latest state-of-the-art vacuum cleaner,

for as little as 73 quid? No joke!

Cheapest prices this side of the Pennines.

That's the power of Parker!

FIRE ALARM RINGS

Martin?

Aw...

I don't like it when you're stressed. Can I cheer you up?

You always cheer me up.

Mmm...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I need to get back

before Joan's perm solution burns her scalp again.

I thought you said you wanted to cheer me up.

Oh, come on, chicken. Five more minutes? De-stress me.

Oh, I got a surprise for you later. What kind of surprise? Secret.

Kath, you're shit at secrets. You can't hold your own piss.

Um, I am very discreet, I'll have you know.

Shall I give you a hint? See?

SHE LAUGHS

My horse has a poorly hoof.

However vill I make it to ze market? Can you helps me?

What the bloody hellfire was that? It was sexy, that.

Sexy? You sound more like you've had a mild stroke.

Sod off. I'm working on it, all right? You're going to love it!

You're mad. You're mad.

THEY LAUGH

There we go! Now you're talking! Oh!

Now you're cooking on gas, our Kath!

THEY SHRIEK AND LAUGH

Oh, shit. Is that the time? I'd better go.

Love you!

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Ta, Betty.

I'd stick it on a boil wash if I was you. See ya!

Don't even think about it. I've just mopped. Jesus!

Here. Eat it in the garage. Oh, Tom,

please tell me you're going to at least shower before tonight?

I don't see what all the fuss is about.

Tom, I'm on the board of governors.

And...? And we're entertaining your sister's French exchange people.

Me and your father, all of us, are representing Britain.

The school are counting on me. Everything needs to be perfect.

Any fit French birds coming? Ohh...

Oh... I don't think you've got enough cheese.

Do you think I should put more out? How many are we expecting, again?

SHE GASPS More chairs.

Will they want to mingle? Do French mingle? Can you mingle in chairs?

Less chairs? Yes, less chairs. Chuck us a yoghurt, will ya? Oh!

Desserts! I've only done a trifle. Mum! Chill out.

Do French people like desserts?

Let them eat cake. Yes, I'll get a cake!

Who doesn't like a cake? Hmm.

Hiya, Pam. Are you all right?

Got my pills, Bev? I told ya. Give us a minute.

Oh! Good night, was it, Bev?

We were double-dropping some diazepam last night.

Oh. Off me tits.

Oh, don't look at me, Kath, I'm hanging out me arse.

Not for me, that, Bev.

All I need to unwind is an Archers and lemonade and a good bop.

You all right, Gladys? You decent?

Oh, here she is.

Hello, my love.

Remember, Gladys, not a word to the others.

Oh. Who have you swiped that from?

Never you mind. It's a good 'un, that.

It's unopened. Two soaps and a talc. Mm!

Any joy with them ciggies? It's bad news, I'm afraid.

He's been stopped at Calais again.

500 packs of Silk Cut, ten litres of ouzo

and 40 pairs of knock-off Gucci loafers all up the Suwannee.

His mam's gone mad. She's had to switch to rollies.

Oh, no. Who has the time? Well, I know.

This is nice. Is it new? Fat Annie.

Annie Powell, 10B, died Tuesday.

Oh. I nabbed this and a couple of nighties.

Nice.

KATH HUMS TO HERSELF

Oh, you're in a good mood.

Silver anniversary today. I'm doing us a fancy meal.

Oh, right. What are you making him?

Rock hard. Well, if the saucy costume I borrowed

has anything to do with it! SHE WHISTLES

Dirty bugger.

Do you know, he is proper sex mad.

Yeah. So I saw.

You what? You and him rolling around like silly buggers.

We had to stop the bingo. Twice.

Cliff Bibby was having chest pains. Attention-seeking bastard.

Oh, and I might have a Teasmade for you next week.

Winnie Owens is on her last legs.

I know.

What is going on, guys?

You're supposed to be my dream team.

If you want all this...

If you want all this, I've got news for you.

You've got to start using this.

Redditch branch sold 13 of these yesterday.

13!

13. 1-3.

Are you hearing this?

Oh, God. Look at the state of you.

Gary, flies.

ZIPPING

Do you know how many telly-videos you sold between the lot of you?

Zero. Zilch.

Sweet FA, Alex.

Actually, minus one.

Gary had a return. I've been watching the lot of you

and you're going after the wrong customers.

What would I do?

Charm the ladies. Give the kiddies a balloon.

And if they want a deal, we do deals.

This telly-video comes with a free sports holdall, for fuck's sake.

What an offer. Come on!

I'm handing it to you on a bastard plate here. Meet me halfway.

HE SIGHS

All right? What are you doing stood standing around? Time's money.

I'm sorry, Mr Parker. I've been over and over the numbers,

but with so many anomalies, I just can't seem to get things right.

Well, you're my accountant. Isn't that what I pay you for?

Yeah, well, about that, actually... How bad is it? Oh, it's bad.

Really bad. It's never been this bad, actually. It's badder than bad.

The bank want their money. The rent's overdue.

We really need to talk about staff wages.

Where is Julie with them brews? Julie!

Julie!

This poor fella's gasping 'ere! Is that kettle on?

We spoke about you tightening your belt.

Have you given any thought to selling the car? No way.

It's all about image in my game.

Martin Parker can't be driving round town in a Fiat Panda, can he?

For Christ's sake! It's a hairdresser's car.

Well, it's different for you. No-one gives a shit.

What about the "storage space" above the old butcher's shop?

I've told you, it's complicated.

We need to serve notice ASAP before the lease rolls over again.

Where is Julie with them brews?

It's not my fault.

Some shithouses from Rumbelows driving people like me out of town.

Is everything all right? Yes, I'm on it. Stop stressing.

I'm not stressed. It's not me who'll go to jail.

Nobody's going to jail.

They'll probably kill me first.

Who's going to kill you? The Slater brothers.

Sh-sh-sh! I don't believe this. Alan, have you got dogs?

Our Kylie's getting her tubes tied today. I'm on pins.

That's the last of the teabags.

Mr Parker! The Slater brothers.

What possessed you to go to them? I had no choice, had I?

How much? Five grand.

OK... But it's six now. Look, I only went to them

because you said the bank wouldn't play dice.

Technically, this is your fault. My fault?

Sorry, Alan, don't drink that one. It's got three sugars in it.

How is the diabetes? It's not bad.

And you still can't have KitKats? No.

Thank you, Julie. Thank you.

You should have told me. I didn't know it had sugar in it.

About the Slaters! Oh. If we are going to solve this,

you are going to really need to cut back on your outgoings.

And the old butcher's shop. I'll sort it.

And I'll look into selling the car.

Oh...

Merci.

Au revoir!

Get in the car.

All right, Diane, love? What are you doing here?

Cheesecake and whatnot.

A cheesecake. For the French.

I'm on the board of governors.

Come on, get in before someone sees us.

And put that back. It's filthy. What are you on about?

It's in bloody good nick, is that. It'll shine up really nice.

Come on. Haven't you got enough junk at home?

One man's shit is another man's treasure.

You take that.

SHE SIGHS

You don't mind if I take this, do you, Martin? People are looking.

Please put that down. KNIFE WHIRS

I thought this is how you did business now.

Taking things off people, not paying them.

Put them down, please.

Excuse me... Sorry, my love.

If you could just go over to Gary there. He'll help you. Gary!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Which ones have got teletext? Huh? Look, I'm sorting your money out.

Now, please leave the shop. Nice one.

Get someone to carry this to my van, will you?

Six grand. Friday.

And if you're late again, it goes up again.

Simple as.

HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS

Mr Parker. Hmm?

Lady wants a refund. Says this iron broke her shell suit.

Oh, Dad. What are you going to do with a dirty old mattress?

It's nearly new, that. Somebody was chucking it out.

Couple of lads from the Legion gave me a hand bringing it back.

But What on earth are you going to do with it? Oh!

Mum would lose her mind. Yeah, well...she can't,

can she?

BANG ON CAR Fuck off!

BOYS LAUGH Little shits.

Brew? No, you're all right. I don't like to leave the car here.

Besides, I need to get back.

The French are very prompt, by all accounts.

They were bastard well prompt when they surrendered.

Well, what time do you want me? Pardon?

Free night tonight. Got knocked out of the darts on Wednesday. What?

I know! Bloody good team at The Nelson.

No, I meant the party. No, it's all PTA people, Dad.

It's professionals. Boring. You know? You won't fit in.

I love a buffet. Well, I can't pick you up, Dad.

I've got a tray of chicken drumsticks defrosting

and I've not even touched the skirting boards.

I could get the bus, bring me own cans.

No, Dad, you can't...

Not tonight!

..television is your subject and your time starts now.

Which cartoon character was referred to by Yosemite Sam

as that "darned wabbit"? Bugs Bunny.

Bugs Bunny. DOOR CLOSES

Bloody hell, Kath. You like?

Vould you like to play vith me? Hmm?

Super sexy, ja? No, no, not... Not sexy.

Not sexy tonight, love.

Happy anniversary!

I'm a sexy milkmaid, Martin.

Yes. Yes, you are.

Don't you like it?

No, it's fine. It's just... I have to say something, Kath.

OK. Go on. OK.

Thick as shit, this one. Even I knew that was Tenko.

Oh, bloody hell. I could murder a drink.

MUSIC AND CHATTER

Oh, hello, Nigel. Hey. Ashtray's just behind you. Thank you.

Tell her I've never been to France. We're more Spain, aren't we, Alison?

But it's such a beautiful language.

Oui! Sexy.

For God's sake, Mum.

Je suis desole, ma mere est tellement embarrassante.

What's that?

Non, mais c'est pas grave parce que ma mere c'est exactement pareille.

SHE CHUCKLES

Ask her if she's settled in. En-suite guest room OK?

Does she have everything she needs? What about towels?

Does she need more towels? Everything is perfect, Mrs Parker.

See? Stop going on about it. God!

Tom! Shirt!

You're not on Top Of The Pops now. Oh, good, a cheesecake.

To go with the cheese. HE SNIFFS

This has got to stop.

It's just an outfit.

You can take it off, if you like.

It's a bit tight, really. It's not about the outfit, love.

Well, tell your face!

I thought you'd be all over this. You love milk.

Things have changed, Kath. It's just...

It's just not right for me at this time. It's not working.

What's not working? Us!

What? I'm sorry. And you can't stay here any more.

You're going to have to move out and find somewhere else.

Are you taking the piss? No.

The lease is up and they're raising the rent.

And...? What's that got to do wi' me? Look, I know it's not ideal.

Oh, not ideal! Oh, bloody hell, Kath!

Don't make this any harder for me! Oh, harder for you?

You're finishing wi' me and chucking me out me own home.

I've just regrouted that bathroom.

Well, I've always said money can't buy taste.

Just take a drive down Wellfield Avenue! Vino?

Oh, no... No? Oh, come on, everyone. Don't be shy. Tuck in.

There's plenty here. Help yourself to le buffet.

What? They're hardly eating.

Surely they like French food? It's fine, Mum. Leave it.

I'll have some wine. No, you won't.

You're so boring. Zara's having a drink.

Zara's 18. So...?

Her mum let her drink in the house when she was 12.

And French women don't shave their armpits, Alison.

Is that the road you want to go down? Didn't think so.

KNOCK ON WINDOW Shit.

Bonjour, love. What the hell are you doing here? I told you not to come.

No. You said you couldn't pick me up.

Can?

SHE SIGHS

Don't talk to anyone.

Oh, I love that blouse on you, Elaine. Marksies?

Yeah. Colour really suits you. Have you had your colour done?

Oh, well, it changed my life and my wardrobe. I'm Hazy Summer.

It's not you, it's me. Is this my anniversary surprise? Is it?

I give you access all areas to this and a big bottle of Kouros,

and what do I get? Dumped! How romantic.

Kath... I'm not going anywhere. No, you can't make me.

I'm staying here. Squatter's rights.

Look, I know you're upset. I'm upset, too,

but now you're being unreasonable. I'll show you unreasonable, Martin.

Listen, Kath, I'm sorry, I'm honestly sorry,

but that is it. It's over. No.

No, no, it's not. This is mental.

I will not let the last 25 years...

25 years! I'll not let that go up the Suwannee, Martin.

It's down the Suwannee, not up. What?

Down the Suwannee. You said up.

I couldn't give a shiny shit about swans, Martin! Look...

I'll see you right. I'm not a complete bastard.

See me right? There is no right without you.

I want you. I've always wanted you.

I've ordered us a Chinese banquet.

Lucky Panda. Oh, look, it's been fun,

but it's over.

Fun? Fucking fun?

If you leave now, that's it. You're never coming back.

Kath, it's just I cannot... I ca...

I cannot be responsible for you any more!

If you climb down those stairs, don't you come back here begging!

Martin...

If you get in that car, I mean it, Martin...

If you start that engine...

ENGINE STARTS

What's she doing? Martin, don't leave me.

SHE GASPS

ONLOOKERS LAUGH

Lucky Panda. Banquet for two?

CAR RADIO PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE

Jesus wept!

MUSIC AND CHATTER

Dad, am I all right to have a bit of wine? Of course, kitten.

Just don't go daft.

Hey!

Oh, here he is. Hello, darling.

Sorry I'm late. A bit of urgent business to deal with. Sorted now.

No rest for the wicked. Oh, Christ. What's he doing here?

It's fine. I've told people he's our handyman.

What time do you call this?

All that money and you haven't got a watch that works!

Don't. Surprised to see you here, Dougie.

Thought you couldn't stand the French.

There's a lot of people here I can't stand, Martin.

Yeah, you and me both, pal. No. I'm not your pal.

Drink? Oh, I see you've brought your own.

Did you come straight from your park bench? I like a Riesling.

Queen of the white wines.

DOUGIE LAUGHS

The trouble with you, Martin, is you're just a bloody yuppie snob.

Never satisfied. Always wanting more. Just remember this.

Your shit stinks the same as mine.

Ohh! Think about it.

Please. For me.

Think about it.

By the way, great job with the guttering. Oh. Merci.

I just can't get my head around it. I thought we were happy.

How did I not see it coming? I could have sorted it.

Made me look stupid.

Sorry to turn up like this.

Oh, don't you worry, love. I'm here for you. You know that.

Besides, nice to eat something with a bit of a kick.

What am I going to do now, Gladys? I've never been on my own. Sod him.

He's an arsehole. You don't need him.

Yeah, but he's a beautiful arsehole.

You've seen him. He's bloody gorgeous.

He's my ideal man... Well, he's my only man.

I've never, ever been with anyone else. Christ.

And now I've got no-one.

You've got me.

Such a dick.

Hey, lady. Now, you listen here.

You are not the dick here, and he does not deserve you.

I told you.

Didn't I tell you this would end in tears? How dare he?!

I could bloody swing for him.

I know people, you know.

You just give me the nod, and I'll sort it.

Oh, I'm fuming.

You, my love, have the kindest heart,

and if he can't see that, then bugger him.

You are a strong, sexy woman. Now, come on, say it with me.

I'm a strong, sexy woman.

I can't...

Come on, say it.

Oh...

Oh, that nightie stinks, Gladys!

Yeah, you're right. I'll be fine.

I'm a strong, sexy woman.

Can I borrow your cardi?

Course you can. Now, then, you get yourself off home...

Yeah. ..have a good night's rest. You'll feel better in the morning.

And if you leave now, Saleem can run you back. Yeah.

I'm going to go home.

I'm not going to walk away from love, Saleem.

He should have married me, not her.

And I'm going to tell her. She needs to know.

She needs to know a few home truths. Her marriage, right? Fake!

Just like them shit pillars.

I mean, how would you feel?

I've been married a long time. I don't know.

Bet you've never shagged around, have you, eh?

Oh, Saleem...

You got kids?

How many? Three girls.

All married now, and a teenage boy. What would he do? About what?

Your boy. If he was me, what would he do?

He's doing his GCSEs. I don't know. Yeah, if he was in my shoes.

I don't know. A mix tape. A mix tape? I'm not 12!

Are you getting out, or what? Betty, will you give me a minute?

No! No, we haven't got a minute.

Challenge Anneka is on tonight.

She's rewiring a Romanian orphanage.

I couldn't give a shit, Betty.

MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

It's all a bit OTT, innit? I mean, bloody hell, Di.

You just can't help yourself, can you? Please don't spoil my night.

And how long is this French girl staying? Who's paying for that?

Her name's Zara. Oh.

I hope she likes cheese, whatever her name is.

Right, wait here. I'll be five minutes, tops.

All right, Betty! Hold me crackers.

SHE EXHALES

Ca va?

Thank you.

Oh, yeah! You're a music fan.

All them modern bands are a bit depressing, though.

We like a bit of Phil Collins, don't we? Or ELO.

Well, they must be big over there.

Electric Light Orchestra?

Bez's mum once bought a twin-tub off me.

Happy Mondays? I even threw in free delivery.

His dad's in the police.

Not the band. Leave her, Martin. Are you enjoying the party, Zara?

It's tacky.

You're our guest. My casa, you casa.

Martin, can you do another circuit with the wine?

Oh, who's that now?

Jesus, Di! Who else have you invited?

Well, hurry up! They'll be gone.

I've only got one pair of hands, Martin!

I'm a strong, sexy woman.

Diane, I think your toilet's blocked.

It's either that or your flush is frigged.

DOORBELL CHIMES There's water going everywhere.

Martin! Door!

I'm a strong, sexy woman. I'm a strong, sexy woman.

I'm a strong, sexy...

Oh.

Mrs Parker!

There's a milking maid at your door.

Uh, you're all right, thingy, I've got this.

What the hell are you playing at, coming here?

I told you never to come here.

I needed to see you. Keep your voice down.

I know you don't mean anything you said tonight. You can't.

She needs to know. And then we can be together forever.

Look, will you get it into your thick head, woman? We are finished.

Stay away from me and stay away from my family.

You stay away from my family!

You're mental.

Who was it? Oh, just some French lads pissing about.

You think they'd never seen a bloody doorbell before!

Shall I do another circuit with the wine, love?

Oh. Yes, please, Martin.

Hmm.

You ready?

No.

Oh, for goodness's sake! Oh, bloody hell!

He's not getting away with this.

I'll give him mental! Two minutes.

She's in no fit state to be cutting hair.

you drive into the heart of me

Show you mental!

Your big, beautiful, bouncy silver hair.

Your sparkly eyes.

DRUNKEN SINGING

I see the handyman's had a skinful.

Diane, on the back! Hey!

Your gorgeous golden skin.

Big strong thighs...

Oh, yeah.

We might get done for this.

ALARM BLARES

Little shit!

Screw you! Oh, she's coming back.

I swear to God, if that's the French boys again...

Who's this now?

I'll tell you who she is. She's me sister.

Drive!

inside out

upside down

scream and shout

alleyways, being very loud