Original subtitles

[***]

* Oh my, oh my,*

got a lot on my mind.*

* Oh my, oh my,*

* it's messy but it's mine.*

* The Kouncil*

* I've got a new favorite spot in the house.*

* Light the candles up and turn the lights out.*

[Clacking of keyboard]

- Xavier.

-Hey. -Hey.

I just need, like, five minutes of your time, tops.

- Yeah, I don't really have time to talk right now.

- Okay, listen, I was very overwhelmed last week,

and I just wasn't in the right headspace.

- You're overwhelmed because you were thinking that Seth

was gonna be there, so you bailed, right?

Seth is my friend.

We talked about it.

You were there to see him and not me.

It's pretty clear.

- Look, what I had going on with Seth,

it was not fair to involve you.

You were very, very nice, and I just want to apologize.

- Nice, right?

But girls don't like nice guys, right?

They like the ones that barely pay them any mind,

treat them like shit, and you know what?

Maybe I should just be an asshole for once.

Might work out better for me.

Take a page out of your book.

- Xavier.

- Look...

I hope that whatever you got going on works out for you.

I'm done.

Excuse me.

- Well, we tried.

And he's probably gonna go on to do the same thing

to the next girl.

- And the vicious cycle continues.

- Well, another one bites the dust.

All right, ladies, who's next?

[Groans]

[***]

- We could just not text her, you know, never talk again.

Let this bridge burn.

- See, this is why I can't let any of y'all run the meetings.

- Okay, all right, guys, let's get serious.

We have to text her.

What are we gonna say?

- Okay. All right, fine.

Never mind.

Umm...

All right, if our best friend said the meanest thing

in the world to us,

what would we want her to do?

- I'd tell her to choke on a dick, but that's just me.

- Valid, but if it were us, we would want her to apologize.

- Okay. All right, let's text her.

All right. Pull out your phone.

Help me out, ladies.

Hey, girl. Okay, don't.

Don't fucking do that.

Don't. Don't sing, don't sing.

Don't send a voice memo.

Um... "have we gone wedding dress shopping?"

Okay, stop.

- Just tell her what's in your heart.

Uh...

- Okay.

"Hey, Alanna, I've been thinking a lot about what I said,

and it wasn't fair to you, and I was frustrated,

and I'm really sorry.

You didn't deserve that."

- You should add a heart emoji.

- For the love of God, do not put a fucking emoji

in the serious-ass text.

Why don't you put that bad boy on "do not disturb," okay?

That was great. That was great, ladies.

- Let me go send out more applications.

[***]

[***]

- Real quick, what are we hoping to get out of this?

- I need to know, after everything we've been through,

why he cheated.

- What if we find out it was my fault?

- What are you even talking about?

- What if he cheated because I wasn't enough?

- Does it matter?

- Well, Heart, you have your place.

Logic, you have yours.

But I've never been able to know,

do I add to our value or do I diminish it?

- I think that's a really good question,

but in today's society, I don't have an answer, you know?

But don't let anyone make you believe

that you're the reason

someone stepped out on a relationship

or the reason that they left.

Nothing diminishes your value, you know?

Do what you want with your body. If you want to have sex, do it.

If you don't, don't.

- Okay.

- So do we got this?

- We got this.

[***]

- Hey. - Hey.

- Please, sit.

You look... good.

- Thanks.

This feels weird.

- Yeah.

So, how have you been?

- Really?

- Right. Dumb question.

- Look, I don't want to waste either of our time,

so I'm just gonna get right to it.

Why did you cheat on me?

- Uh... I...

I didn't do it to... hurt your feelings.

I just acted in the moment.

- Was it worth it?

- Katie, I...

I liked you a lot.

And I liked her, too.

There was a lot going on at the time.

I didn't really think about it much past that.

But I will say, I was selfish,

having you both.

I was.

But then you left and she was still there.

- You know, I never noticed how pathetic he was.

I just...

- This is who we lost our confidence for?

- Yeah, suddenly this all seems so irrelevant.

- Mm-hmm.

- I did nothing wrong.

- No, no, no.

I... oh, I mean,

you left and she was still there.

And I... I like both of you.

I do.

It's just...

- I moved out alone.

And then I went through every comment you and horse girl made.

- It's Talia. - Who gives a fuck?

- Okay...

I literally replayed the last six months.

Had to scrape my self-worth off the floor.

Came this close to cutting myself bangs.

Do you see how small my fucking forehead is?

That would have looked horrible.

I had to charge my fucking crystals underneath the moon

during Mercury retrograde.

- Uh, back up. Mercury retro wave?

- Shut the fuck up, okay?

All of that for you not to have a reason?

- Hey.

- She's so pretty.

- 'Bout damn time.

Left me alone with these two.

- Oh, and if he's right about one thing, we do look good.

- Look...

- I did nothing wrong.

- Atta girl. You tell him.

- You know what? This was... thank you.

- What's happening?

- Oh, I'm gonna go.

I actually got what I needed here.

But you have a good life.

Give me that fucking bread.

- Oh!

Okay. All right.

Take that bread.

- That was amazing.

[Sings] - Happy birthday to me.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday, dear Katie...

All of us.

Happy birthday to me.

Whoo!

- Our brain is done developing.

We should go rent a car. Throw out our backs.

I'm feeling it.

- Okay.

[Knocking]

[***]

- Hey. - Hey.

- You're a real bitch,

but I've never missed a birthday.

[***]

- Oh, my God. Is this Bath and Body Works?

Shit, you are better than me, I'll tell you that much.

- Obviously.

Has that always been there?

- Oh, no. That bitch broke for a bit.

She's up there now.

- Is it just tape?

- No, superglued.

Yeah, yeah.

You want to order some food, get some wine, talk some shit?

- Absolutely. I do.

Yes. Yes.

What was wrong with you? You were like PMSing all week.

- I know.

No, I think Seth gave me gonorrhea of the mouth, but...

[Giggling]

*...move, move, my body *

Both: * This and that way make my hip sway. *

* This and that way make my hips whoop. *

* This and that way make my hips sway. *

* This and that way... *

- 25. Damn!

All right, well, the world is our oyster.

Do we have any money in the savings account?

I don't think we do.

Are we still on Mom's phone plan?

Are we the last of our friends to get married?

Oh, my God.

No, we're the last of our friends to be single.

Oh, that's even worse.

Okay. All right.

Do we have any life insurance?

What even is an IRFA?

IRFA? M... YMCA.

What is it? I don't even know.

Is it Medicare or Medicaid?

By the way, the IRS letter came. You might want to lawyer up.

I had no idea what we were doing on our taxes.

I think you owe about $15,000.

We might want to look into that.

Also, when is the last time we went to the dentist?

Did you know that a root canal actually leads to heart disease?

We might want to look into that.

Back again to the life insurance.

We really should look into that as well.

Should we freeze our eggs?

What are we even doing?

- Oh, shit.

- Is this...

- Is this a quarter-life crisis?

[***]

* Put me on a beach,*

* we're gonna have a good time (on top of the world).*

* Grab anybody you meet,*

* they can join in the sunshine (on top of the world).*

* You'll feel better at the end of the day,*

* gonna drive all the darkness away.*

[***]

[***]

* Whoa!*

* Yeah!*