Original subtitles

-[SPEAKING KOREN]

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-I'm not so this is a good idea, guys. [ALARM]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-And so the biggest trial in British history begins today.

On his way to the courthouse there, Todd Margaret, for what

will hopefully be the first public execution since 1888.

-Todd, I know you're scared, but I gotta concentrate,

and you are bumming me out.

Look, don't worry, all right?

Doug is out there pounding the streets,

and he's not gonna stop until you take your final breath.

Plus, Alice is looking for Dave. He'll think of something.

He's a smart guy.

-I thought you said Dave was the bad guy in all of this.

-I have got to look at these notes.

It's gonna be OK.

I've got everything we need right here.

Where was I? Yeah.

Page 2. [CROWD NOISES]

It's all your fans.

NEWSCASTER (ON TV): Pictures of Todd Margaret

on his way to the Old Bailey courthouse.

Our reporter, Snivel Chalks, is on the scene.

Snivel?

SNIVEL: It's absolute chaos here at the courthouse.

Passions are running high as the nation comes together

in outrage at the crimes of the typical American.

-We've all done a bit of robbing and stealing, yeah.

But what I wanna know is, what was he

gonna do with that dildo?

I mean, yeah, she was fit, but that was when she was alive.

She's dead now.

She'd be rotten-- disgusting.

-President Obama has again needed to distance himself

from Todd Margaret in an attempt to heal relations

between Washington and London.

The lists of charges includes attempted manslaughter

with a truck, the willful destruction of human organs--

MAGISTRATE: The theft and release

of megathrax, unlicensed public nudity,

unlicensed use of an industrial strength dildo,

and attempted necrophilia on the number one cash

cow of the British tourist trade.

--[COUGH] Your Honor, the evidence is overwhelming,

and we wish not to cost the, uh, state anymore moneys than have

already been spent, so I suggest we move straight to sentencing.

-Defense barrister?

-Agree-- to disagree.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, a grave

and substantial responsibility has

been given to each and every one of us here today.

You're going to hear a lot in the coming days

from my esteemed colleague from across the aisle.

He's going to make claims such as, (BABY TALK) Wah.

Todd Margaret took a leak on my widdle war memorial.

Or wah, Todd Margaret broke into my MP's office

and jerked me off to death.

Or wah, Todd Margaret dropped my liver in a garbage can.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

[GASPS]

-I have never seen a bigger bunch of crybaby pussies

in my entire life.

I mean, good God, I hope Todd did commit all these crimes.

Todd Margaret is not on trial here, today.

No.

The entire English judicial system is.

-[MUTTERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-About that high. Skinny--

BRENT: Your Honor, I would like to call some character

witnesses to the stand to attest to my client's niceness.

DOUG: Lord Mountford, can I speak with you?

PAM: Are you meant to get these things on?

-Lord Mountford, I insist I speak with you at once.

Doug Whitney. Doug Whitney and associates.

Please don't speak with me that way.

-They're broken.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

BRENT: And just what did this supposed vile and awful man

say to you?

-He said we liked my hat.

-I'm sorry.

What's that?

-He said he liked my hat. ---my hat.

He said, "I like your hat."

How'd that make you feel?

-Terrible.

This is a dastar. It's a religious head covering.

It's not a hat.

I've got to deal with this kind of ignorance all the time.

-It's on your head. It's a fucking hat, dude.

Next.

[MURMURING]

-Hello. -Hi.

-Could you state your name for the court writer lady, please?

-Uh, Brian Grithig, the Ipswich molester.

Oh, uh, the South Pawed Sodomizer,

the Beast of Birmingham, uh, the Plymouth Playground Predator,

uh, the Boy Butcher of Bolton, the Belgian Nuisance.

-OK.

We get it, Mr. Grithig.

You're well traveled.

You've known Todd, uh, quite a while now.

He strike you as a bad guy?

-Oh, no, no.

Not at all.

No.

I mean, he seems just like, uh, you know-- just like any of us.

-Oh.

Thank you. [MUTTERING] Just like any of them.

-Your Honor, um, uh, could I talk to whoever's in charge?

-Overruled.

If it pleases the court, Your Majesty--

-Your Honor.

-Thank you.

I'd like to take this opportunity

to address the jury.

Just-- one second.

-No, no, no no, no, no.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Yeah.

Got ya.

SELF HELP CD: You object?

Fuck you, judge.

I object. Bam.

That's the hammer coming down.

--[CLEARS THROAT] [SNIFF] Hey, big guy.

You do realize what a menu is, right?

It's a list of choices.

You don't have to eat 'em all.

Oh, look-- Bridget Jones.

Who's looking after your cat?

Your tub of ice cream?

Hey, gorgeous.

You know what I'd love to see you in?

1987.

Bitch, your coose is drier than the desert he crawled out of.

Oh no, Abdul. Uh oh.

Did I insult you? please don't bomb me.

Come on, buddy.

Don't you have a cab you gotta go stink up?

How, ke-mo sah-bee.

Shouldn't you be making pemmican in a tepee

back on the old pueblo-- (BRITISH ACCENT) Oi, mate.

Shouldn't you be around the pub, binge drinking and eating

your shit food, and my McVitie's and having some fucking tea?

Well guess what.

I got a tea bag for ya, England-- the world's

most boring fucking people.

-Objection, Your Honor-- -(BABY TALK) Objection.

Objection. Objection.

Mommy, mommy, mommy.

Oh no, mommy, mommy, mommy, please

don't let the big bad American boy make me feel bad.

Oh, mommy, mommy, please can I have some more hot cocoa,

'cause I spilled it on me jumper?

That's you.

[CROWD NOISES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[OPERA SINGING] -Hello.

You look absolutely lovely.

Cheerio. [OPERA SINGING] Lord Mountford,

I insist that I am Doug Whitney and I--

-What the bloody hell's going on?

Who are you?

-Uh, uh-- I-- I'm sorry.

Maybe this is a bad time.

-Well, it's certainly not a good time.

-Can I speak to you about your son, David?

-Is that the Old Bailey?

Great.

Listen, uh, I need you to get a message to Todd Margaret.

Yes, the Todd Margaret.

Tell him to hold tight.

I think I can save his life.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Breaking news at the Todd Margaret trial.

We go live to Snivel Chalks.

Snivel?

What is the news?

-I'm just hearing news that diplomatic relations are now

set to thaw between the US and UK

with the discovery of incontrovertible evidence

that Todd Margaret is, in fact, a British citizen, adopted

as an infant by an American couple.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Your Majesty, permission to blow a hole in this case

so wide even I'd be able to fuck it.

I'd like to introduce some important new evidence

that I believe will exonerate my client.

Todd Margaret was, as a small baby,

adopted by an American couple.

And while that fact alone may seem insignificant,

I am holding in my hand proof that he was, indeed,

born in Leeds, England.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Wait. What?

So that means--

-Yeah.

That's right, man.

In your face.

We did it, Buddy.

-Oh, my God.

I wasn't lying after all.

I-- I am from Leeds.

It's over.

-Let's get outta here, huh?

-Take these off me.

I'm going home.

-Stand down, Mr. Margaret.

-But I'm from Leeds.

Didn't you hear?

I wasn't lying.

-You are not charged with lying about being from Leeds.

-But-- I'm from Leeds.

-Who gives a shit?

-What more do you people want?

That is reasonable doubt.

-No, it is not.

-I get it.

You're on the take.

You all are.

This whole thing is a scam.

How much they paying you, brother?

-Mr. Wilts, I have warned you once.

I am now holding you in contempt of court.

Guards.

-Wait, wait, wai wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait a second.

I would like to call to the stand

my super, top secret, bombshell surprise.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

please welcome to the stand Mr. Todd Margaret.

Come on. Give it up.

Come on, Todd.

-[MUTTERING]

-I thought you said putting the defendant on the stand

was an act of desperation.

-Look, desperate times call for desperate measures, all right?

I just need you to stall for a while.

I've got a plan.

-Where's Mr. Whitney? -Don't worry about this.

This is going to work. Trust me.

So, uh, Mr. Margaret, you're new to London,

and you're here to, uh, sell Thunder Muscle, is that it?

Tell us a little bit about that.

If you could.

[CROWD NOISES] [DOOR SHUTTING]

-(COCKNEY ACCENT) 'Ello,

'ello, 'ello, 'ello everyone.

[CROWD NOISES]

-Taxi!

-I'm running.

I'm jumping.

I'm skipping along.

-Hello, David Mountford.

It's Alice Bell.

I know who you really are, and I'm on my way to the courthouse

right now with evidence that you're

behind all this shit that's been happening to Todd.

-Mammy, how I love ya, how I love ya.

My dear old mammy.

Um, "improvisation" is a Latin word meaning not scripted,

so what I'm going to do is take your suggestions, uh,

from the audience, and create a scene with them.

And I'll just need some suggestions

like, uh, an occupation.

Let's start with an occupation.

-Judge, really-- -Perfect.

Judge. OK.

Judge. OK. OK. Judge.

OK. Judge.

How appropriate. OK.

Uh, just need an emotion. An emotion.

I just--

-Horny. -Great.

Horny. Great.

NEWSCASTER (ON

has no business being in this country.

All this--

TODD: Oh, my penis is huge, and it's not going down.

Erection, Your Honor. [BOING] Sustained.

Gavel, gavel, gavel. Ouch.

My penis.

And scene.

Come on.

It doesn't have to be as funny as scripted comedy.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's stick to the facts.

OK. Yes.

You're right.

Your Honor, according to Archibald, no last name,

"Evidence, having to do you do with alleged facts of offenses

charged--" where is Brent Wilts?

-You all right, sir?

-Yeah.

-"The burden of proof, verdict, and subsequent procedure.

If the contention that the defendant is un--

"--referred to all five law lords.

Lord Morris referred to the fact that Lord Herschel, in--"

-Mr. Margaret, this charade has gone on long enough.

-Or has it, Your Honor?

-Yes, it has.

I shall now bring this trial to a close.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I-- I have some famous-- famous last words, Your Honor.

If-- If I could just-- please-- um,

the past two weeks have been really, really weird.

But, um, I didn't do any of those other things

you're saying.

I did none of them.

I didn't murder.

I didn't attempt to rape.

I didn't terrorize-- I didn't do do any of those--

-Enough.

If you are not going to call anymore witnesses,

I shall officially end your--

-Wait again.

I do have one person.

I do have one person I can call.

The only person who's been decent to me in this country.

The only person who's sweet and pure, and knows the real me.

It's ringing.

[PHONE RINGING]

Methap?

[PHONE RINGING]

It-- it went to, uh, voice mail.

-Is that it, Mr. Margaret?

-There's Alice, but I'm not sure her head's in the right place,

really.

Ooo.

-I shall now ask the jury to retire

to consider their verdict. -No need.

We're good.

-Guilty?

-Of course.

[MURMURING]

-Under the powers vested in me by the Crown and the country

of England, I hereby find the defendant, Todd Margaret,

guilty as charged.

And sentence you to be hung by the neck

until just before death, when you'll be removed,

revived, and then drawn and quartered.

[GAVEL BANGING] [APPLAUSE]

-No, wait.

Wait. Wait!

[CHANTING]

MALE SPEAKER: Bravo.

Well done.

-Dave?

-Who's Harry Potter now?

Oh, hello, sir.

Um, I was--

-Shut up, David.

I've had to leave a very important meeting

to clean up your mess-- ironically.

-I was only having a bit of fun.

-People are not pets.

I've told you that before, David.

If you can't treat them properly,

you don't be allowed anymore.

-But I-- I--

-No but-- nothing.

I got you Jon Hamm, and this is how you act?

-Uh, with all due respect, sir, you've literally just come from

a--

-Glass, David.

That's the difference.

They're under glass.

Now sit down and keep your mouth shut for a moment.

I'll go and talk to the judge and have the case dismissed,

call Sainsbury and have that whole mess taken

care of-- figure out what to do this Todd Margaret problem.

Give me Murdock, Cameron, Obama, and Vilanche.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

PRISON GUARD: Open for Todd Margaret.

-[SIGH] Thank you.

Oh, do you have any, uh, Chinese mustard?

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGH] I don't really have much of an appetite.

But it is free.

Hmm.

Mmm.

-Can you open cell.

PRISON GUARD: Yes, sir.

[DOOR OPENING]

-I haven't finished my soup yet.

-OK, Mr. Margaret.

Who I am is not important, and you're not to ask.

Now, here's what's happening.

I have pulled some strings and I'm

going to make this all go away.

All charges will be dropped.

I have seen to it that you will be released from prison

forthwith, and your record expunged.

You will be given 300 pounds, a new jumper, and an iPod.

However, one problem remains.

You are required to leave the UK,

but you are an international pariah.

The Americans won't have you back,

and after checking, literally, with every embassy on Earth,

it seems there are only two countries willing to take you.

The first is Turks and Cacaos.

The second, North Korea.

I would weigh this choice very carefully, Mr. Margaret.

This is no time to make a poor decision.

-I have had my fill of Turks lately,

and I do like sushi, so Korea.

-Right.

North Korea it is, then.

Here's your passport.

And as soon as you've finished your char siu dumplings,

we'll be off.

-Todd Moon?

I have to have a Korean last name?

A-- a whole new identity?

-That is your real identity.

We checked your records at the hospital

where you were born, in Leeds.

-It says here I was born in 1970.

Wait, I'm-- I'm 41?

I thought was 35.

I just lost six years.

Oh, my God.

Which ones?

[FOOTSTEPS]

Oh, all right.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Get some wine. [BEEP]

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-What?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

-So this Todd Margaret chap must have

done something pretty horrid to you?

-Oh, father, it was the worst.

You remember when I went to the States

last month for the Pauper and Looper Garter?

-Hmm.

-Well, whilst I was there, my mates and I,

we went for a drink in a bar.

-I really need the Falcons to cover the spread on this one.

I cannot go back to Spokane empty handed.

-Let me just take these drinks to my friends

and I'll be right back. -No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, come on.

You're a fudging nurse.

-Watch it!

-Oh. Oh, Jesus.

Sorry.

-You bloody wanker.

You massive moppet.

You've ruined my trousers.

-Hey, Harry Potter's here.

And they're called pants, asshole.

[LAUGHTER]

Can I buy you a drink?

-What happened to your accent?

-Oh, you think I'm that English guy?

No, no, no.

Which one is he? -Whatever.

Hey. Hey.

I-- I just wanna get laid, so take me home. yeah.

-Oh, God. Yeah.

Yeah.

Where-- where are we going?

-Do the accent.

Do the accent for me? -OK.

Uh-- -Can you do that?

-(COCKNEY ACCENT) 'Ello 'ello, 'ello.

Me name's Todd Margaret, and I'm a right bleeding sod, I am.

-You.

Those guys that were just here-- tell

me everything you know about them.

Yeah, so that's about it, really.

-Well, I don't agree with what you did, but I'm proud of you.

You showed real ingenuity.

I just wish you'd put the same amount of creative energy

into something more worthwhile, like overthrowing

equatorial Guinea, or something.

Still, you're a responsible rebel, and I love you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-I've gotta warn ya-- not pretty.

-I dunno.

She's all right.

What are the tits like?

-In the other drawer. -Todd?

Todd, it's your old man.

I've come here to save you. TODD: Oh, yeah.

No problem at all.

My real dad's from Pyongyang, so I can totally

head up the nuclear office.

[APPLAUSE]

-Hey.

Where you been the last two weeks?

-Oh, I've been travelling.

-You coming to the corporate fun day?

Stacy's organizing the karaoke.

Should be a real adventure.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

-You know, it doesn't really make any sense.

How could Global National, even if it was a shell company,

buy this entire company without ever

really communicating with them?

And how could Dave know that Brent Wilts,

at that exact moment, would walk by when

Todd Margaret's listening to those self

help CDs back in Portland?

And also, it doesn't really make sense

that Doug Whitney would come to the UK

when he wasn't technically fired in the first place.

Hey-- [ALARM

[CLICK]

THEME SONG: Life is short and the days are long.

I've gotta get right back where I don't belong.

Life's still sweet.

So good thing it's gone.

I know what I need. Life is a--

[EXPLOSION]

MALE SPEAKER: Hello?

Hello? Anybody?

I suppose there's a certain irony to this.

[MUSIC PLAYING]