Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously, on "The Increasingly Poor

Decisions Of Todd Margaret."

-And we think you'd be the perfect new face

for Thunder Muscle.

-Snooker!

-Ow, ow! No!

Ow! -What's this?

-Oh, a little something I like to call your new liquor

license.

NEWSCASTER (ON TV): In Hertfordshire.

ALICE: Oh, no.

My job!

What did you do?

-You bastard.

Digging up Princess Diana's grave.

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-I'm not so sure this is a good idea, guys.

[THEME MUSIC]

-One Turkish made mobile phone, black.

One set of fur for her handcuffs, pink.

Two penis suck-'em-and-see lollies.

And one I'm-a-little-devil twist-and-shout dildo--

ball sack ripped.

Don't worry, mate.

You'll be able to replace all of this in here.

-Yeah, can I make my phone call?

-What do you think this is?

America?

-I don't get to make a phone call?

You don't do that here?

-Yeah, no, you do.

Just making sure you didn't think this was America.

-Hi.

I'd like the number for Young and Knott legal, please.

-Oi!

Want do you think you're doing?

-Making my phone call.

-And that's who you phoned?

Scum.

-Scum?

OK-- yeah, we'll see what you're saying

when they send one of their eager beavers down here

and I'm in and out in two minutes,

and you gotta clean up the mess, Captain Humph.

-You're go into the nunce wing.

-Thank you.

[THEME MUSIC]

[CROWD NOISES]

-Hey, cellmate.

-Hi.

-Todd, isn't it?

Two Ds?

Welcome to the wing.

Now don't get up, sleepyhead.

I just want to take you through the morning's itinerary.

Breakfast is served at eight.

Then there's some time to yourself.

I like to call that free swim.

Uh, then is Sing Along on Mondays,

and then, it's the reading group.

-OK.

-It's super.

You see, before I came to live here,

I used to write graphic stories for children.

So we like to gather in a circle and enjoy those.

-OK.

[THEME MUSIC]

ALICE: Right, you two, stop wrestling.

No more [INAUDIBLE] for you, mister.

I need you to eat that roll. Give me the--

[DOOR BELL]

POLICE OFFICER: Exuse me.

Do you need some assistance, ma'am?

-Uh, yeah, thank you. I would.

It's him.

He won't touch his egg roll.

I cannot really give him his Riesling, otherwise.

-All right, you.

Touch the roll. -Ugh.

-You heard the lady.

All of you, take a bite of your egg rolls.

On three. Ready?

One, two, three.

-Alice, uh, may I have a bowl of soup please?

-Yes, of course you can, Mary.

CUSTOMER: And a liter of shabbly.

ALICE: Right.

-Uh, excuse me, madam.

Where'd you get your liquor license, there?

-Huh?

Oh, I got that from To-- from the-- uh, from-- uh,

from the town.

From the town hall.

The-- uh, the coun-- council, uh, meeting.

It's legitimate.

-Do you mind if I take a look at it?

-Yeah.

No, but go-- I mean, it's not the original.

-Where's the original, then?

-In Leeds.

-Why's it in Leeds?

-[SIGH] I was brought up there.

Well, my dad was.

I still visit him.

He's not dead.

-Uh, this is invalid.

-Huh?

-You need to get this authorized.

Alice Bell. -Yeah.

Well, I've just-- I've been a bit busy,

so I'm-- I'm going to get around to it.

-Are you Alice Bell?

-No, no. No, no, no, no.

That-- that's, um, that's my sister.

MARY: Alice?

M-- my soup, dear?

-In a minute, Mary.

-She just called you Alice.

-Yeah.

No, becau-- no, I am Alice.

We're-- we're twins.

-Twins?

With the same first name? -Yeah.

Well, because we were identical. You can still get us muddled up.

You know.

Um, well, she's black.

Um, can you say that?

I don't know anymore.

It's--

-Run a check for me on Alice Bell,

proprietor of Graceland's Cafe.

POLICE OFFICER (ON SCANNER): Copy that.

-Well, thank you very much, officers, for all the helping.

Um, I'll just-- can I get you something to eat?

Take away?

-You all right?

You seem nervous. -I'm not nervous.

I'm not nervous, I'm ju-- what, is it a crime to be nervous?

To laugh?

Is tha-- Is that a crime?

Now, bioterrosim, is that a crime?

-Yes.

A very serious crime.

Why'd you ask? -Why?

Whh-- whatcha-- is it a crime to ask questions?

I mean, you're asking questions.

You should just watch yourself.

OK?

Someone might arrest you, too.

-No one's arresting you, ma'am.

-Good.

I'm free to-- to go, then, to my kitchen,

because I have received my orders.

You-- you have your orders, and I have mine,

so I'll be back in a moment.

Alice, just think. Think.

Todd Margaret, what have you got me into?

God [MUTTERING].

Just a minute. Think.

POLICE OFFICER (ON

is a person of interest in the furthering investigations

into Todd Margaret.

Approach with caution. POLICE OFFICER: Todd Margaret?

She's not here.

-What's that?

-Bio-terrorism.

It's a bomb.

-I love you.

[BEEPING]

--[SIGH] Hey, I love you, too, man.

-Oh, fuck off me, you faggot.

INMATES: (SINGING) Loop to the left, and a loop to the right.

Tie a little bow-- what a lovely sight.

That's how we tie our shoes.

Buh, bum.

[APPLAUSE]

-Wow.

That was wonderful, guys.

And now, it's Brian story time.

Brian?

-OK.

Well, uh, when we last left off, uh, the Prince

and his two little playmates, Thomas and Nigel,

had been locked away by the evil school

teacher in the sanctimonious tower of "morality."

-Oooo.

-Booo.

-"'How will I ever escape,' asked the short- trousered,

school uniformed Thomas, his cherubic face streaked with

tears.

'Don't you worry, little angel,' said the Prince,

as he kissed the tears away.

'I've sent Owlsy Owl on a mission

to tell good King Ginsburg.

He'll rescue us.'

Nigel stiffened.

'But that will take hours.' 'Well,' said the Prince,

'Let's play a game.'"

-Visitor for Todd Margaret.

-Ugh, I wanna hear how this ends.

Brian's good, huh?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[TOILET FLUSHING]

-Just contaminated another crime scene.

-I'm not done thoroughly scouring the room yet,

but I did deduce, for my initial tests,

that Todd Margaret has definitely been here.

-Yeah, it looks like he fled through the window

in terror, probably using some kind

of ironing board of some description.

-Huh, very good, Mr. Watson.

I'm impressed.

-Uh, just looking at the evidence, right?

-Oh, also, I ran a brief graphological analysis

of this "who am I" note.

And I have concluded that this is clearly

a man confused of his own identity.

I mean, look at the up-sweep on this letter H.

-Yeah, I'm thinking like a light pink ironing

board with a white base and purple squares.

you know? [KNOCKING]

ALICE: Hey! Open up.

[KNOCKING]

-It's Todd Margaret.

I think he's pretending to be an old Irish woman.

-OK.

[GRUNT]

-What?

-Oh.

Hey.

Alice.

-What the fuck are you doing?

Who are you?

-Take it easy.

Kitty's got claws.

-Oh, shut up, please.

Just shut up.

Oh, I know-- you're gonna rip me a new asshole, or what is it,

take your-- your big cock and plow

me so hard it'll look like my vag has been in a plane crash?

But you're not, are you?

And do you know why you're not?

Because you can't.

Because you are so clearly over compensating

for your prematurely ejaculating soft little nub of a thing.

Do you want to know how to really satisfy a woman?

Buy her some flowers.

Take her to dinner.

OK?

Get her home, put some music on, slowly take off your clothes,

and then shoot yourself in the face.

OK? Dead.

Don't miss.

-Hi, I'm Doug Whitney.

I don't believe we've met yet. -All right.

So you're caught up in this mess as well, are you?

Where is Todd Margaret?

I'm in a world of trouble because of him--

because of you.

I need to clear my bloody name.

Where is he?

-Um, we don't actually know that yet, at the present time.

-Look, he's obviously duped us all

into thinking that he's some kind of a simple idiot, when

clearly he is obscenely powerful.

-Yeah, there's a man of mystery named Mountford who's

acting as his consulary, and we think Todd Margaret is just

a cover identity for an international criminal

mastermind.

-Well, I don't think that.

-Hey fairy, you're on TV.

-What?

-Hello.

-Oh, hey, Pam.

Sorry.

I'm really sorry I didn't call you.

My-- I actually lost my phone-- -Who are you?

My-- I actually lost my phone-- -Who are you? -Who are you? NEWSCASTER (ON TV): --prison.

-Who are you? NEWSCASTER (ON TV): --prison.

Todd Margaret, the megathrax bio-terrorist

was arrested this morning whilst trying

to exhume Princess Diana with a dildo.

Also wanted for organ vandalism, running a counterfeit money

ring on the suspected wanker side of an MP.

-Whoa.

-I told you so.

-Oh, please.

If he's such a mastermind, why would he

let himself get arrested?

-That's a good point.

Why would he let himself be arrested?

-So he can tunnel out, dumbass.

It's part of his whole thing-- -Stop talking.

OK?

Just-- just let me just try and figure this mess out.

OK.

He-- he's not some kind of mastermind.

What is the one thing we know for sure about Todd Margaret?

-He's a twat.

[THEME MUSIC] -Dave.

Oh, thank God.

-Mate, what happened?

I came as soon as I heard. -I don't know.

It's some crazy misunderstanding.

You gotta get me outta here.

-Well, what do you expect me to do?

Call the Minister of Justice?

This is really bad timing, mate.

They're thinking about reinstating the death penalty.

-What?

-They're calling it the Todd Margaret bill.

-That won't apply to me, will it?

-What've they said to you about a hearing?

-I don't know.

Something like six weeks or something like that--

-Six weeks?

I can't wait that long.

I need to be in Milan for Berlusconi's birthday.

Shit.

-They're gonna give me a death penalty,

[KNOCKING]

--[SIGH] I'm going to have to call the Minister of Justice.

-Dave?

Dave? Dave?

-Right, so you-- you hired Todd as a temp?

-He said he had good people skills.

-Right.

And you-- you were-- you were hired by Melford-- a man

you've never met or even seen, who just out of the blue

makes you president of a multinational company?

-Good people skills? -OK.

So-- so you set Todd up with passport, ticket, flat, office,

company phone, assistant, bank account.

-Yes.

Except for any of that.

I didn't do any of that.

-What?

Well, who did?

-Melford.

-What-- so-- so-- so Todd is just magically handed all this

information, he just flies into London,

arrives into his office, where his assistant,

Dave, is waiting for him. -And you know what?

Dave's actually pretty smart. He's been very helpful to us.

Dave's actually pretty smart. He's been very helpful to us. He's been very helpful to us. DOUG: Yes.

He's been very helpful to us. DOUG: Yes.

-Dave isn't smart, you idiots.

He is a manipulative cock.

OK?

He repeatedly made a fool outta Todd in my cafe.

He dressed him up in ridiculous clothes.

He made him waste 50 grand on a snooker player.

Got him beaten up all the time.

The last time Dave helped, he was in a coma for three days.

-OK.

For your information, sister, without Dave,

we wouldn't be here, so--

-That's true.

-Right.

Well, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-Doug is Melford

-Dave is behind all this.

-Yes.

Todd Margaret is Dave.

That's why we've never see them in the same room

together, right? That--

DOUG: You are good.

I have-- look, now, two side kicks.

-You don't have any side kicks, OK?

Who are you?

-I'm--

-Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Don't answer that.

I am gonna hunt this asshole down.

Right.

You need to, um, go and talk to Todd.

See if you can find out where Dave is.

-Yes.

I will go commit a crime and engineer

a way to get into his cell.

-Just visit him.

-Yes.

They won't be expecting that, will they?

-That's even better.

BRENT: Scotland Yard.

[THEME MUSIC]

-So Brian, you seem like a nice enough guy.

What'd you do to land in here?

-Oh, nothing, really.

Kidd stuff.

So, um, tell me your story, Todd.

Tell me about, um, Todd Margaret.

-Well, I came over here to sell Thunder Muscle, and I--

-No, no, no, no no, no, no.

Go-- go back to the beginning.

-Oh, well, I was temping in an office in Portland.

-No, no, no, no.

Back, back, back, back, back.

-Uh, I graduated high school and--

-Further.

-Grade school?

-Further.

-I was six years old? -Great.

Yeah.

Let's start there.

So, you were playing with your little friends, yeah?

-Yeah.

Um, well, my best friend at the time was this kid Mark Boylan,

and we'd play freeze tag together, and--

-Uh, what were you wearing?

-I don't know.

T-shirt.

Shorts.

Sneakers.

I don't kno-- Man, you writers sure love your detail, huh?

-Oh, yeah.

-Well, Mark had the tiniest little birthmark, right.

[THEME MUSIC]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Oh, Jesus, man.

You're worse than my second wife.

She was anal, too-- and not in the good way.

Come on, man, let's get outta here.

-Oh, Brent.

I'm not going to apologize for being responsible

and tidying up and doing the right thing.

-It's Todd Margaret.

I don't think he's coming back.

-OK, well let me just at least alphabetize these CDs.

-Whoa, whoa. Let me see that.

Oh.

Reverent Harris Goody.

-Oh, these are the self help CDs you were mentioning.

-Yeah, yeah.

That one's mine, but this one's not mine.

There's something about this guy's voice.

Like he could sell cigarettes to a cancer hospice.

-Hey, we've been here before.

Remember the, uh, crest of Sir Lancelot's cousin?

-What? Did I fuck her?

-No.

We've been here.

This is the crest at Lord Mountford's mansion.

Elementary, Doctor Wiltson.

-Hey, yeah.

It's that same shitty house.

-Lord Mountford's attending that symposium

for business women trapped beneath the glass ceiling

tomorrow at the Academic Society of Westminster.

I've got to gain access somehow.

If only I had a wig and some fake breasts.

Or better yet, a business woman I could sneak in with.

-Or better yet, if you died.

-Uh, Pam, do you happen to have a wig and fake breasts?

-No, they're real.

-No.

OK-- um, well-- do you have any friends

that are business women? -What, Lizzers?

-No, no.

Not like that.

Uh, OK, never mind.

Um, would you be persuadable for a little game of dress up,

so we can sneak into--

-Oh, you want me to slap you about a bit.

Right? OK.

Um, I don't do anal. Yeah, right.

I will.

But we need to put a plastic sheet down.

But the kids are watching telly, so you're

gonna have to keep it down.

-No, I'm afraid you have me mistaken.

I'm not here for intercourse with you, I--

-What do you want, then, you weirdo?

-Well, I respect you very much.

I just have a proposition of a different kind.

-So you don't want that?

-No, um, but do you own any underwear?

-Under what?

-It's like an undergarment that you

can wrap around your genitalia.

-Why?

-Hygiene?

-Are you gonna cry through this?

-Uh, I just want to keep you clean-- I mean, I-- I--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-He's about this-- this tall.

His-- his name is Dave.

He's early 20s.

He was in here with Steve Davis.

-Yeah.

I seen him.

He was in here with Steve Davis.

-Yeah.

Um, where can I--

-Name's uh--

-Dave.

His name's Dave.

Dave. -Dave.

-Yeah.

I'm looking for him.

So do you think you can--

-Young lad, like early 20s.

-Yeah.

Where can I find him? Because--

-About this-- this tall?

-Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter.

-You're looking for him?

-Yeah.

Forget-- forget it.

Doesn't matter. -So you want your drink, then?

-I didn't order a drink.

-You didn't order a drink, did ya?

-Jesus.

You're-- you're like some kind of reverse Obi-Wan Kenobi.

-Yeah, I'm kinda like a river. -Hi.

Um, Mr. Davis? Hi.

Sorry.

Look, um, first of all, I want to apologize

for throwing you out of my cafe.

-No, dear, it's me that should apologize to you.

It was all a bit of a blur.

One minute I'm sat there, the next thing I knew,

I was naked, in a bin, outside a Burger King,

gherkins everywhere.

-Oh.

Well-- well, I'm sorry to hear that.

-Everywhere.

-OK.

Well, um, about that day, do-- do you remember

an associate of Todd Margaret's?

His name was Dave.

-No.

I-- I had just met the bloke once.

I don't really remember much.

-No?

Nothing strike you about him as-- as odd,

or that-- that stands out?

-No. Sorry.

Oh, wait.

There was one thing.

When I spoke to him on the phone,

I heard someone saying, "Stroke, stroke."

-Stroke?

Maybe he was calling from a rowing club.

-Oh.

Yeah.

That makes more sense.

I was thinking-- yeah, that woulda been it.

[THEME MUSIC]

-Dave?

Dave?

-Dave.

-Dave?

-Dave.

-Dave?

-Dave.

-Dave.

-Dave.

-Dave? -Dave.

-Dave.

-Dave.

-Dave.

-Dave!

Dave! -Dave!

-Dave!

-Dave!

-Dave. Dave?

-Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.

-Dave.

My assistant Dave, right?

Wha-- What makes you so sure it's Dave?

-Look at the facts, man.

They're staring you in the face.

Alice figured it out. -Alice?

You spoke to Alice Did-- did she mention me at all?

Did she mention anything about a-- a kiss?

I mean, it was sort of a kiss.

Uh, in some cultures, definitely a kiss.

Would you call this a kiss? -Jesus, you fuckwit.

Are you crazy?

They're gonna fuck us like twin sisters in an oil rig,

starting with you.

Look, just don't worry about Alice, OK?

She's looking for Dave.

-She is? -Yeah.

[DOOR OPENS]

-Did she mention anything about a kiss?

BARRISTER: Todd Margaret?

My name is Colin DeGranville, QC.

-Hi.

-Forgive me if I forego certain pleasantries,

but time is scarce.

The hearing has been brought forward to tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? -I know.

Extraordinary decision.

Now, I've done lot of work on this,

and there is cause for hope.

A number of these charges are based

on circumstantial evidence.

A number contravene European human rights laws.

I am fairly confident that we can substantially reduce the--

-Hey, get the fuck outta here!

-Excuse me?

-Dave sent you to fuck with Todd, didn't he?

-Dave sent you? -No.

I'm a state appointed defender-- one of the most highly

respected barristers in London. -Oh, yeah?

Like they sent their top guy?

-Well, it's a principal of the English judicial system.

-Yeah, well you tell Dave that Todd Margaret

fights his own legal battles.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Give Dave a message for me.

-Oof!

-Oh yeah.

-Haha. [DOOR CLOSES]

-Phew.

Yeah. [HUMMING "DIXIE"] Ow.

Goll. Hand.

-I'm still gonna need a lawyer, though.

-Objection, your honor.

SELF HELP CD: Hello, asshole.

I'm Reverent Harris Goody with another self help CD.

So, you need to pretend to be a barrister?

Well, guess what, douchebag?

I can take you there in four easy steps.

Step one.

Don't take no for an answer.

Nut up.

Interrupt and interrupt often.

You object?

Fuck you, Judge.

I object.

Bam.

That's the hammer coming down.

NEWSCASTER (ON TV): In London, England,

for over 150 crimes, ranging from--

-No. Honey?

NEWSCASTER (ON TV): --to mass murder.

Reporting for KPGW, I'm Stephanie Daily.

-That boy been in-- in a lot of trouble.

Now why you have to go and tell him that he was adopted?

-Now I gotta go to the airport again.

THEME SONG: Life is short and the days are long.

I've gotta get right back where I don't belong.

Life's still sweet.

So good, then it's gone.

Ignore myself.

Anticipation.

Things are gonna get worse.

-Are you there, God?

It's me, Margaret.

[MUSIC PLAYING]