Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on "The Increasingly Poor Decisions

of Todd Margaret."

-This is our very last pound.

-I'm from the Death Wish Foundation,

and we make dreams come true for dying retarded women.

-Can you, you know, when you spent your summers in Leeds?

-Yeah?

-You lived in a hospital.

-Oh, uh-- well, I'm from Canada, actually.

I'm just working in Leeds.

I had just popped down to see Alice.

-I'm not so sure this is a good idea, guys.

[ALARM]

-Oh, this must bring back a lot of memories, eh?

Young Todd Margaret playing around with his mates

in the old oncology ward.

-Can we please just get me back to bed, Dave?

My ass anesthetic is starting to wear off.

-Oh, come on.

I want to see where you grew up.

OK, look, Dave.

All right.

I'm gonna be honest with you, all right?

Let you in on a little secret.

Um-- you know how I said I grew up in Leeds?

-Oh, it's a good job you did.

You know, when I told my uncle about how

you were born in Leeds, spent your summers here

in this hospital, well, we couldn't

make that deal soon enough.

-Look-- really?

-Yeah, you got it.

-Oh my god, that's great.

Oh, man.

Oh, Wilts is gonna be so psyched.

Me, too.

I'm gonna be psyched.

-Oh, yeah.

They were beaming with local Leeds pride.

One of their own, they kept saying.

Better be one of our own.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

You were supposed to tell me a secret about something.

-Oh. Yeah.

Just, uh, that over there is where I got my first handjob.

-I'm not sure that really counts, Todd.

Anyway, let's get you back and drugged up, shall w?

-Yes, please.

-Well, this is your old place.

How do we get back to your room?

-Um, left?

-Left it is.

Hm.

Well, this isn't it.

-No, this is the kitchen, obviously.

I just wanted to show you this.

-Doesn't look much like a kitchen, either.

-Well, it is.

There's the blender, and there's the food

gurney, and the fridge.

Come on.

You've seen one kitchen, you've seen 'em all.

Come on, we gotta go.

-Oh, I'm just gonna grab a cold drink.

-Well, there's probably not drinks in there.

That's uh--

-Ah.

Dr. Spencin.

His lunchbox, I presume.

-Yeah, it's just staff lunch keeps it in here.

You know, just, uh-- yeah, deli meats.

That kind of thing.

Just sort of, uh-- oh god, oh god, oh god, oh no!

No!

No, god!

OK, we'll pick this up, because this important.

-Oh, that's just--

-Oh!

No, wait.

Oh, god.

Ah!

-It's a wriggly little thing, isn't it?

-I know.

It's not-- it's-- usually it's barbecued.

OK. Come on.

Get in there. Get in!

Get in!

-For god's sake.

-Oh, please, call me.

Yes, it's called roleplaying.

It's like Dr. Kirkenbaum said.

-I thought you said his doctor's name was Palmer.

-Well, yeah, that was one of his doctors.

But it was Dr. Kirkenbaum, he was the one

that discovered that Todd-- well, he

had this acute case of penis envy.

-What?

-Todd was bitterly jealous of this imaginary friend's penis.

And to be quite fair, it was very big.

-OK, where's this taxi?

I'm gonna be late for my train.

-I wish you could see what Todd's mother and I see in him.

I mean, the qualities that made us

adopt him in the first place.

If you could see those, then I'm just really

sure you'd give it another shot.

-There is no another shot.

There was never a shot to begin with.

Todd means well, but I just-- I'm not interested.

I'm sorry.

-My dad is gonna be so upset.

I just don't even know what I'm gonna say to him.

-Hey, but that's my taxi.

Todd's adopted?

-Finally.

Feel like I could sleep for three days.

-Again?

Excuse me.

How long before the morphine takes effect?

-Now.

That was dropped off for Mr. Margaret earlier.

-Oh, yeah.

How are you feeling, Todd? -Good.

Good. Good.

Uh, I miss Butterscotch.

Aw.

-Hey, boss.

Your buddy Hudson, he sent you a bear.

-Ugh, Hudson?

That guy?

He's Alice's ex.

He's still trying to get with her, but she's just friends.

Yeah.

Her tits are fine.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Wait. He's here?

-Hey, Todd.

Look at me.

I'm a talking Bear.

-Hudson?

-Ha ha ha.

I heard you got creamed at a rugby game.

Ouch.

Sorry I couldn't visit-- -How did you bear?

How did you be a bear?

-Some crazy news.

Alice got a job on La Molecule.

Yeah.

Meeting her there tonight.

She wants to thank me.

If you know what I mean.

I think she thinks I had something to do with it.

-Anyway-- -What?

-Feel better.

Don't know how long these things record--

-What did you say?

-Look at me.

I'm a talking bar.

Sorry I couldn't visit you-- -Not, not that part.

After that. - --London.

Some crazy news.

Alice got a job on La Molecule.

-Yeah.

I know.

I got her that job.

-She wants to thank me, if you know what I mean.

-No.

This isn't fair.

This is like a reverse Othello.

He's stealing her with lies.

My lies!

BEAR: Don't know how long these things record--

-What are you doing?

-Huh?

I have to get back to the La Molecule.

-Have to go back to London.

-No, you don't!

No! Dave.

Dave.

Go get the truck.

I gotta break out of here.

-Break out?

You can just discharge yourself.

-OK.

-No, no, no.

Todd, I mean you can sign out at the front desk.

-OK.

Yeah, yeah.

OK.

Just go get the truck.

I'll meet you out in five.

-All right.

-Don't forget your morphine.

-Yes.

The morphine.

-Hey, Todd.

Look at me.

I'm a talking bear.

Ha ha ha. -Hey.

Hudson Bear.

Can I talk to you for one second?

-Sorry I couldn't visit you, I had to go back to London.

[DISTORTED VOICE]

-You sleep with Jesus Bear now.

Hi, Todd Margaret checking out of room one I was in.

Also, I ordered Salisbury steak, and I didn't order potatoes,

but it came with potatoes, so I didn't

want the potatoes-- get that off the bill, please?

-So then, I'll just need your credit card.

-Yeah.

How much are we talking, you think?

-Have to check.

Thousands of pounds.

-What?

How many thousands?

One thousands?

-You were in intensive care in a coma for three days.

-Really?

I don't remember any of that.

-Your liability is most likely to be

in the hundreds of thousands. -OK.

I'm sorry.

I thought, um, health care was free in this country

no matter what.

That's how Obama's trying to fuck us

over and have that in America.

-Health care is free.

If you're born here.

-Well, that's racist.

-Can I get that credit card, please?

-Nope.

This is not my good card.

My good card is in my pants in the room.

I left it in the room.

Call the maid.

Tell them not clean up, and I'll go

get-- I'll have to go get-- um-- let me go get to, uh-- my room,

OK?

I have to get my other pants, and then, um-- then

I'll come right back, OK?

It's downstairs.

I've just got to go downstairs.

I'm going downstairs.

-One liver has gone missing.

It's the only compatible liver we've found.

Without it, Professor Spencin will die.

-Check the security tapes.

-Just have to get these to Dr. House.

-Is Mr. Margaret still here?

Turns out he is on the system.

Just weren't looking back far enough.

-Drive! Drive!

I gotta get this Thunder Muscle to La Mol--

-For dinner, we've got the frozen tiger veloute

on an invisible spoon.

Ah, made of pure nitrogen.

Yeah.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

What?

-Jeff, uh, [INAUDIBLE] is here.

-Already?

Oh, god.

She got one of those really big heads?

-No.

She looks kind of normal.

-Let's have a look.

So nervous. You know what?

I'm like those sick people.

I don't want to talk to her.

-She's only got two days to live.

-Well, I can't stay in here for two days, can I?

Oh. Right.

Yea.

-Oh!

-Hello, Alice.

-Oh, my god.

Oh, it's such an honor to meet you.

Oh, uh-- um, you're my hero.

It's a dream come true to work here.

-All right.

I'm sorry, I--

-Oh, no, I just-- no, I tasted, um, the sauce.

It's delicious.

-Well, good for you.

You got the bus here by yourself, did you?

Oh, Alice got the bus here all by herself.

-Uh, no, um-- no.

It's just the sauce.

I just-- it's delicious.

I got the train.

You all right?

-It comes and goes, does it?

-What-- sorry, what does?

-Nothing.

We are so happy to have you here today.

-How did you find out about me?

Was it my essay on full of tasty electrons?

-We met someone who wanted to remain anonymous,

and he told us what a brilliant little chef you are.

-I knew it was Hudson.

-He didn't want to give his name, but he's bald.

Nice suit.

American. -Yeah.

Yeah. No, that's him.

And he's Canadian, actually.

And you left out gorgeous--

-I did leave that out.

Yes.

-Oh, well, I suppose, you know, he's not everyone's type.

-Well, he's definitely not mine.

-Um-- -Oh.

Don't listen to me.

I'm old fashioned.

Let's-- let's get started. -Great.

Um, well, I-- I wanted to start with the demagnetized olive

souffle. I--

-Oh, no, sweetheart.

Our new chefs-- um, no souffle.

We are going to make something way more fun.

-Oh.

-A side salad.

-Oh.

-Did you cover that?

And that.

But we've already been there, so this-- need to cover that.

And that.

-Ah, you know what?

Suddenly Sherlock messed up my snuff order.

I'm taking all my business to Homes Depot from here on.

-Know what?

If this connects to this, then voila.

Right?

-What did you do?

That's-- don't touch my mine map.

-Your dad fuck a calculator to get you, or what?

Come on.

We've been staring at this thing for days,

and still we're getting nowhere.

I'm calling Todd Margaret again.

[PHONE VIBRATING]

-Todd Margaret's phone.

-Finally, Todd, Jesus.

By the way, you sound gayer than usual.

-It's Dave, Todd's director of strategy.

Todd's just having a little kiff at the moment.

-Whatever the fuck that is.

All right, tell him to call Mr. Wilts.

DAVE (OVER PHONE): Willips? -No.

Wilts.

And tell him we're having trouble

finding his Mountford guy.

-Mountford?

Uh, well, maybe I can be of some help.

Have you got a mobile number for him?

-No.

Not a current one.

He keeps changing it.

-Oh, that's too bad.

See, if you did, I would have been

able to use my Mobile Trace Tracker 3000 to track the call.

But, uh, seeing as you don't, why don't you

try looking at the census?

That should have the addresses of all

the Mountfords in London.

You got an initial for him?

-Yeah.

A D. -A D.

-Yeah, just go online. it's www.census.gov.co.uk.

-Great.

Thank you.

-Hey, that's shirt-- -Don't worry about it.

You got another shirt in the toilet.

-Oh, and, uh, make sure to take a gift.

-A gift?

-Yeah.

It's seen as polite in the UK to take a gift whenever

conducting an investigation.

Nothing major.

Just a phone charger, like a, uh-- a Tamsung 327EG phone

charger. -Yeah.

This is great.

Hey, listen, can you tell, uh, Todd Margaret

to get on the line for a second? -Todd?

It's Wilts.

-Hey, Mr. Wilts.

-Hey, Todd.

Where'd you find this Dave guy?

He's a genius.

-Wait a second.

I thought you hired him.

-Uh, shouldn't you tell Mr. Wilts

about the big deal you just made?

-Oh, yeah.

Hey, Brent Wilts, awesome news.

I made the deal.

-What?

You got the money?

Oh my god, that is fucking fantastic, Todd!

Jesus, yes!

This is great news.

I really needed to hear this, Todd.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't have the money right on me,

but I will have it in five days.

-Five days?

five days?

I need it in four days.

Can we get it in four days?

-Uh, can we get it in four days?

No.

-Fucking typical Brits.

All right, tell Dave that I need him in London right now,

and to bring his A game.

I need him on this fucking Mountford thing, all right?

All right, looks like we found ourselves a real Sherlock here.

-Excuse me?

-We need to find an internet cafe.

Time to queer up, Sherlock Shitpipe.

-Go back to London?

-Yes.

You really impressed Mr. Wilts back there,

and I've decided to send you back there to help them.

But I'm going to need to truck, though.

-How am I supposed to get back?

-You know what?

Take my morphine.

It'll make the walk

-I'm going to need the helicopter.

-Well done, Alice.

You took the lettuce out of the bowl and put it on the plate

perfectly.

-Yeah, it was a real challenge.

-Yay! You did it.

-I saw the new dressing.

So it's an homage to your micro-beadable [INAUDIBLE]

orange crumble?

I'd love to know what you think.

-Very, very, good.

-Wait, no, you didn't even taste it.

-What-- wow.

That's really, really good.

Fantastic. -Yeah?

Not too much petroleum?

-On the contrary, that's absolutely delicious.

I-- I wish I could hire you. But--

-No, just-- you know, the fact that you'd even

think of hiring someone like me.

If I could work here for one day, I would die a happy woman.

-You're hired.

-Really?

Are you serious?

When do I start?

-Tomorrow.

First thing.

-I'm so happy.

Thank you.

-I told you she was great.

You're welcome.

But you know that stuff about remaining anonymous?

Don't worry about it.

You can totally mention my name.

A lot.

Except don't mention the her dying thing, or the death

wish thing.

And also-- are you all right?

-She shows a lot of promise, that one.

-What if, against all odds, she miraculously confounded

medical science, and actually beat this goddamn retardation

disease that's killing her?

I mean, she has a job now, so she's

got something to live for.

-Well, that's not going to happen, is it?

-But what if it did? Think of the publicity coup.

-Don't do this.

Don't let hope back into your heart.

-OK.

-OK. Hey.

Hey.

HUDSON: Hey, Alice.

-Hi.

How are you?

-Good.

How are you doing?

-I'm great.

I'm great.

-Man, this is so not fair.

-Do you want me to tell her it was you?

-Yeah.

Just go, because that-- No.

Don't.

I mean, yes.

What if-- she looks so happy.

I don't want to take that away from her.

No. Don't.

-Can I, uh, get the keys to my truck?

-Well, you can have the keys to my truck.

I'll help you unload the Thunder Muscle,

but, uh, you can't have the whole truck.

-That's not the deal we made.

I let your sick friend work here for the rest of my life,

and you give me, and I quote, a truck full of Thunder Muscle.

-No, no, no, no, no.

No.

No, I said a truck full of Thunder Muscle, not truck comma

new word full.

No, it's truck dash full.

Truck-full.

-No.

Truck full.

-Truck-full.

-If you go back on your word, I'll

go out there, tell her you're here,

and that she's only got two days to live.

-Goodbye, Alice.

Probably forever this time.

Oh, that's good.

Jesus, that is tasty.

Oh.

Ha ha.

A little something to remember you by.

-Hang on, I'm just gonna get my bag.

-Seriously, Whitney, why'd you rent this piece of shit?

It's like the gayest fucking car I ever sat in.

-It's a hybrid. -Yeah, it's a hybrid.

Half car, half fucking handbag.

-Look, I'm sorry if I care about the environment

of the world my children are gonna grow up in.

-Children?

Hey Douglas, you do realize you'd have to do sex on a woman

first, right?

And even if you were to perform that miracle, how are you

planning on keeping her out of the abortion clinic?

See?

I said it nicer.

-Mr. Wilts, you're the sidekick.

I deliver the smackdowns.

And if you continue to talk about me or my unborn children,

then I'm going to have to--

-Get back to me on it.

This fucking place, huh?

-OK, this is the third Mountford on our list.

And you know what?

That's the crest of the cousin of Lancelot.

I took a course in crest identification.

It's actually a big turn on of mine.

[SNORING]

-Holy shit.

I just fell asleep and had this nightmare

that you were talking to me about really boring shit.

Oh, fuck, it's happening. MAN (OVER INTERCOM): Yes?

-Oh, hi.

This is Doug Whitney and associate.

We're from the Doug Whitney and Associates Detective Agency.

We have a few questions for Mr. Mountford.

MAN (OVER INTERCOM): Lord Mountford

isn't available at the moment.

He's attending his annual symposium

for woman trapped beneath the glass ceiling

this week at the Academic Society of Westminster.

-Oh. Thank you.

MAN (OVER INTERCOM): Good day. -Uh, good day.

Fuck nut.

All right, well just leave the fucking charger,

and let's drive the "Batmoqueer" back to London.

-It's a hybrid.

[LAUGHTER]

-Idiots.

-Yes.

-Oh, that was a lot of fun.

Do you know what would be fun tomorrow?

If we followed them around for a bit.

-Yes.

I was thinking, um, maybe I might be able to go home, sir?

-I don't believe your job description involves thinking,

does it?

-I don't think it-- no, sir.

-Good.

Now run out and get my phone charger.

I'm nearly out of battery.

I did not say walk.

I said run.

Do you want me to chase you?

I will chase you!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BEEPING]

[PHONE VIBRATING]

-That's odd.

Oh, right, our date.

[BEEPING]

-Well, I can't just call her. What am I supposed to say?

I forgot?

That would just blow up in my face.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Excuse me.

I think this salad might be off.