Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on "The Increasingly Poor

Decisions of Todd Margaret".

-I need to appear as though I've been up all night working.

-You want to open up you own restaurant.

Your own, uh, Fat Duck, or, or Whack-A-Mole.

-La Molecule.

-Oh, my God, Dave.

We're not going to Leeds.

Get it through your thick head.

OK, we're going to Leeds.

-Boss, I think that might be the company van there.

-Well, what is this steering wheel doing--

-Cheers for driving, boss.

-Unh, say your prayers. [CHUCKLES]

[ARAB MUSIC PLAYS]

-I'm not so sure this is a good idea, guys.

[WARNING KLAXON SOUNDS]

-What kind of a moron are you?

I could have been killed!

Didn't you see me?

-No.

You have a tiny bike.

Didn't you see me?

I have a huge truck, OK?

Look, it has 18 wheels.

Come on.

I think we know who's more to blame here.

-Blame? I'll see in court!

-Blame? I'll see in court! I'll see in court! -How are you going to sue me?

I'll see in court! -How are you going to sue me?

You can't even afford a car.

How're you going to afford a lawyer?

-I am a lawyer.

-Well, obviously a shitty one, but--

-Why am I a shitty lawyer?

-Because you can't afford a car.

-(IRATE) I ride a bike because I'm environmentally aware!

-I choose to drive an 18-wheel truck.

Why?

Because it's comfortable, and I can fit a ton of stuff

in the back.

-Your fucking truck has done to my bike!

-Look at what your bike has done to my truck!

-Yeah, fuck your truck!

DAVE: I admit that we've been reckless and foolhardy,

and apologize unreservedly for any distress,

and/or inconvenience caused.

If there's anything we can do to rectify the situation, we will.

And then sign it on behalf of the Metropolitan Police

and put your name.

-Again, Mr. Mountford, thank you so much for the opportunity

to write such a beautifully-worded apology.

Or else, if we knew it was you, you were--

-Yes. Shh!

It's fine. TODD: All right.

I'm suing you.

FEMALE OFFICER: According to vehicle registration,

this truck to a Turkish man, Ahmet al-Abdul Wahab

al-Abdulei.

-Yes, yes.

Of course it does, because Ahmet Abdul Bahab Batarai is my name.

Allah Akhbar, ji allah.

-Uh, officer, he's clearly not Turkish.

-No.

I'm not Turkish, Detective No-car.

Uh, but my step-grandfather, who came from the salt

mines of Turkey and raised me in the proud traditions

of his people, was.

And I changed my name to the one you just

said to honor his dead spirit.

(CHANTING) O lu mei.

-OK, officer, he's clearly lying.

-Ah, la, la, la, la, la, la, lo, lo, la, la la, la, la la,

lo, la, la, lah.

Whirling dervish in your face. -You're under arrest.

Anything you say may be given in evidence.

-On what charge?

-Dangerous driving.

-Oh, don't be silly!

-Oh, and resisting arrest, and indecent exposure.

-Indecent exposure?

-Your balls are falling out your Lycra.

-No.

This isn't fair! -Ha-ha-ha-ha.

CYCLIST: No, this isn't fair!

-Who's going to see who in court now?

Not me! -OK, boss.

Why don't you let me drive from now on.

My eyes are feeling better. -That's a good idea.

I'm getting busy.

Hello?

-Margaret, what the fuck you doing answering the phone?

Why the fuck aren't you selling Thunder Muscle?

Or do you want Mountford to rip off my fucking balls

and shove them up your ass?

-I am selling Thunder Muscle.

I'm, uh, on my way to Leeds right now, uh,

to clinch a big deal.

-Wh-- What are we talking?

-Uh, ah, what are we talking?

-$470,000.

-$400-- Wow, really?

-$400?

The fuck are you talking about?

What are you doing? Busking?

-No, no, no, no.

$470,000.

-Really?

That's actually the exact amount we need.

[BANGING ON DOOR] MALE OUTSIDE DOOR: Todd.

Is anybody there?

[BABY YOWLS]

-The ghost of your dead dad. (CRYING) He's come back.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

-I'm going to take these little angels to a better place.

-(BLUBBERING INCOHERENTLY) -They need new soles.

[ARAB CHANTING]

-No way to turn thing off, or down, or--

-No, I like it.

Now open your mind and give it a chance.

It's like rap.

-Are you hungry?

Because I am starving.

I, I, I know this great little place in (BADLY PRONOUNCING)

Hertfordshire.

-Hertfordshire?

No, no, no.

Uh, La Molecule.

It's this great little uh, mom-and-pop,

uh, gastrointestinal, uh--

-Todd, I really don't think we have the time.

-Dave.

Come on.

I'm telling you.

This place is so-- open for lunch and dinner, OK?

Uh, no dogs allowed, except for glide dogs.

Guide dogs.

All right.

I'll just be a minute.

Are you the one allergic to nuts?

-Just hurry up.

We got a lot of important meetings.

-I know.

Oh!

-Gosh, who the hell do I know in Leeds?

[PHONE RINGS]

-Hello, Chairman here.

DAVE (ON PHONE): David Mountford here.

-Dave who? DAVE (ON PHONE): Mountford?

As in DM Global Sports.

-Oh, hello, sir.

What can I do for you?

-A meeting this afternoon, an American,

name of Todd Margaret.

Half 3:00, sharp.

But the match starts at 3:00. DAVE (ON PHONE): Excellent.

We'll make it 3 o'clock then.

-But-- DAVE (ON PHONE): Just do it.

And I'll have my usual set-up in the owner's box.

Thank you. -Yes, sir.

-Awful.

This is the Hitler of soups.

[SILVERWARE CLATTERS]

-We go again.

All right, everybody.

Reset.

-Hello, hello, hello.

My name's Todd Margaret.

-Sorry, I'm busy.

-Well, uh, I've got a friend who is

a big fan of yours and an awesome cook,

and her ultimate dream of dreams is

to work alongside you, and one day,

open up her own science restaurant.

-I'm not interested.

Thank you.

-Let me finish.

I really like her, and this would help me get back in with

her. (HALF-LAUGHS)

-Good-bye!

-Here's the finish.

She's very sick.

-Well, if she's got a disease, uh, she

can't be near food preparation. -Right.

Well, we're in luck, because she's retarded.

So, not contagious.

And she's dying.

She's dying from the retard-- ation.

-What?

-Yes.

Tragic.

-Um--

-She's only got a couple days left to live.

-Oh, dear God. -Ooh.

Uh, duh, or not, or more.

Probably more.

Four, say, at least, four. Five.

Let's say five.

Five days to live.

Yeah, poor thing.

It would just kill her if she found out.

Oh, not that anyone would, or should, discuss it, or my name.

Shouldn't even mention my name.

Uhm, yeah.

Innocent little lamb.

-(VOICE BREAKING) Oh, why?

-You know, karma?

Anyway that's why I'm here.

I'm from the Death Wish Foundation.

And we make dreams come true for dying retarded women.

-No.

I, I will not get hurt again.

[CRASH IN NEXT ROOM]

CHEF CELESTINE: Well?

-The good news is it worked.

We were able to isolate the compound

and age the Parmesan an extra 600

years in a matter of seconds.

-Fantastic.

This is just what we need for my cheese inhalers

I'll be serving at her majesty's garden party.

-Bad news is the website we got it from,

Clancy's Internet Sensations, has

been shut by the UN Security Council.

-And this is our very last can.

TODD: Not necessarily.

Let's talk.

DAVE: Where's my lunch?

-Forget lunch.

La Molecule's just taken on a truckful of Thunder Muscle.

-That's amazing!

How much did you get for it?

-Oh, God. You're such a nag.

Come one.

This is small potatoes.

We're about to make a huge deal, which you need to brief me on.

All right.

Hit me.

-Fine.

All right.

Well, my great uncle's on the board

of the Leeds Lionhearts, their rugby league.

-Got it.

Lionhearts.

-Their beverage contract's up for renewal.

So I've pulled in a massive favor,

and got you a meeting with the chairman.

-Oh, wow.

-He said no at first, but when I told him that you was Yorkshire

born and bred, he was like, oh, yeah.

Whatever he wants.

You know what your lot's like.

-That's us.

DESK CLERK: Picadilly Hotel? -Hi.

Can I get a room number for Doug Whitney?

I'm his best friend.

-I'm afraid we can't out that information, Mr. Wilts.

[PHONE RINGS]

DESK CLERK: Picadilly Hotel?

-Hi.

I'm Doug Whitney.

I'm a guest of the hotel.

You know, I forgot my room number.

Can you remind me?

-(WEARILY) I still can't give out that information over

the phone, Mr. Wilts.

-No, I'm not Wilts.

(FAKING BRITISH ACCENT) I'm Doug Whitney.

Please.

I really need my room number.

I'm so desperate and whiny.

-Well, why don't you come to the front desk,

and we'll give you another key.

-(WHISPERING) I can't because I pooed my pants again. [WHINE]

-Well, why don't you simply look outside your front door,

and then you'll see the room number attached to it?

[GUEST PHONE RINGS]

-(SOFTLY) Picadilly Hotel?

-Please don't slam our phones down, Mr. Wilts.

If you'd like to speak to Mr. Whitney, he's just behind you.

WILTS: There he Is.

There's my best friend!

-Mr. Wilts, what are you doing here?

When last we met, we jousted and I bested you.

Now, accept your defeat.

-Come on, buddy.

-No.

You are a prize pig of a man.

-Look, [HUFFS] I may have said something

that sounds like you took the wrong way.

-You said that I was an abortion that wouldn't go away.

-(PATRONIZING) You're tenacious, is all I meant.

-Y--, You used foul language at me repeatedly.

-Well, let's not get into who called who a fucktard.

I don't even remember.

-I don't even know how to use, uh, that word, f--.

-All right. Calm down, calm down, calm down.

I am going to hire you back.

-[HUFFS] Excuse me, Mr. Wilts.

You have no position at the company

if the company itself is a shell company.

-Look, I know there is some weird shit going on right now

that makes less sense than Helen Keller and Tommy combined.

Remember that guy Mountford I mentioned?

-Yeah.

-I don't know exactly how, but I think

this whole thing is a scam, and Mountford is behind it.

Look, he's playing us both for suckers.

You and I both need to find Mountford.

-Hm.

Well, I do perceive here a divided duty.

Othello, Act 1, Scene 3.

-Yeah.

-On one hand, I loathe spending a moment with you.

On the other hand, there's one thing

Doug Whitney doesn't like.

-Is it pussy? -No.

Loose ends.

-That's what I said.

Look, you just need to help me find Mountford.

I'll get my job back, and I will hire you back

at double your salary. -Mr. Wilts, I--

-No.

Let me finish.

With your own parking spot.

-I don't have a car.

If you can check me out of room 405.

-(WHISPERS) And a Bat-mobile. I'll buy you a Bat-mobile.

-I guess I, I do have an obligation

to finish the case we started.

-Yes!

You will not regret this Whitney, Doug-- las.

Homes.

I'll explain everything I know once we get upstairs and have

a quick pank in the room. (SECRETLY)

That's a poo and a wank.

DAVE: You nervous?

-(CHUCKLING) No. Nervous.

-Oh.

You should be.

It's Yorkshire.

You're about to deal with the toughest, most

insular, intolerant, and violent people in Europe.

-They, they are?

I, I am?

-Well, like I said, it's a good job you're from here, isn't it?

-Yeah, now about that--

-I mean, I probably don't even have

to tell you that outsiders aren't welcome.

-Yeah--

-So many out of town businesses have failed here.

In fact, I read just last week, a representative

from an unmentionable American beer company

was found dead in a field, with his heart ripped out,

and on his forehead, they wrote in lipstick,

"Welcome to the world of AIDS".

Good to be home though, eh?

-Hey, hey!

Hey, stop the truck!

[TIRES SCREECH]

-Right, Yorkshire Tourism Emporium, is it?

-Oh, my god.

Hudson, I just got off the phone with La Molecule.

How did she--?

I can't believe this.

They want me to do a try-out this Saturday.

Hey!

Why don't you come down and meet me afterwards,

and I can thank you in person.

That would be great.

I'm so excited!

Bye!

Bye! [STADIUM NOISE]

[STADIUM NOISE]

-Man, there are a lot of people here for this meeting.

-Nah.

They're here for the rugby match.

-Oh, and rugby.

Cool.

I love horses.

-So, you ready there, boss?

-Yeah.

Let's do this.

OK.

[DOG WHINES] Ah, ah, ah.

Butterscotch.

This isn't for you.

(WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh.

These Yorkshire puddings are good.

A bit rich, but--

-Don't forget your Yorkshire Bitter.

-Thank you, very much.

No, it's not that bad.

Butterscotch, you ready to do this?

-You've got the north of England in the bag.

And you've got another meeting across town in 47 minutes.

That deal is even bigger, so you better be quick.

But I know how much pressure you're under,

so I'm not even going to bring that up.

-You just did bring it up?

-No, Todd.

Listen to what I'm saying.

I'm not bringing it up.

I wouldn't.

I know you're scared, and nervous.

I would be, too.

Now, get in there.

-Well, wait.

You're not coming in? -Oh.

No, no, no. I'm way too scared.

I'm not from Yorkshire.

God only knows what they'd do to me.

Time's ticking, though! Don't knock.

Just go in.

-No dogs allowed!

[BUTTERSCOTCH YELPS]

-Mick Micklethwaite.

Club Chairman.

You must be, uh, Todd Margaret.

-Yes.

It is a pleasure.

Um, uh, before we get started and I

talk about Thunder Muscle, I just

wanted to let everyone here know, guess what?

I'm from Yorkshire meself.

Any whozles, OK.

So here's the thing about Thunder Mu--

[MOIST FART]

Whoa!

What was--?

Somebody step on a duck? [CHUCKLES] Uh,

probably not the best way to start off

a meeting, letting one rip.

I apologize for that.

Bit embarrassing, but you know, it's probably

all this delicious Yorkshire pudding,

and Yorkshire Bitter I, I eat all the time

to remind me of where I'm from.

From whence I came, that I miss so terribly. (SINGING)

The green hills of Yorkshire, um, OK.

[LONG WET FART]

I'm so sorry.

I let another one rip.

Oh, gosh.

I don't know-- Here's the thing.

I just, uh-- Let's be honest.

It's typical Yorkshire behavior right?

I mean, you know, just ripping them up and down.

You know. That's, that's us, right guys?

Just, you know, old boy, eh?

(FAKE YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Just call me the Yorkshire Ripper.

[CHUCKLES] That pudding I usually have.

So it's coming out, and, uh, I'm sorry, but stay away

for your own safety madam.

They're silent, but deadly.

The Yorkshire Ripper's silent, but deadly.

Lock up your daughters.

-[CRYING] -OK.

Come on.

You're exaggerating.

They don't smell that bad.

It not that, you dozy gubchat.

The Yorkshire Ripper was a mass murderer!

He attacked and killed 13 young lasses around here!

(IRATE) It's not funny!

What're you laughing at?

-No.

Here's what's funny.

S--, Seriously, I, I, um-- Just this morning,

I was telling another beautiful young woman, uh, that, uh, I'm

not a rapist.

So--

-[CRYING]

-Well, you can see-- I said, I'm not a rapist.

Do we--, I, do you have to do this twice in one day?

Not a rapist.

Not, negative.

Women, woo-hoo, woo-hoo.

Meh, rah, rah, rah, my period.

Terrific to meet you.

[GLASS BREAKING, WOOD THROWN] -Yeah, yeah.

You know, they're not exactly the right people to talk to.

I should talk to somebody in management, I think.

-Oh, you want to speak to the manager?

-Yeah, yeah.

-OK, yeah?

He's a player, right? He--?

-Yeah, he's a real player.

Yeah.

Before you step in the changing rooms,

you got to run around, though.

[STADIUM NOISES] -Dave?

-Come, come. You're from Leeds.

Remember, the next meeting's in 30 minutes.

-Hello, 'ello, 'ello.

I'm Todd Margaret.

-Fuck off!

-Oh, I'm looking for Johnny Barpot.

-Fuck right off.

-OK, I-- Hi.

I'm looking for Johnny Bar-- Jeez,

you guys are going to get crucified.

-They're mascots, you dick.

Walk out at the start, when the play is done,

they hold hands and shit.

-I'm sorry, who are you?

-I'm Lionel Lion.

I go out there and twit about, you know,

keep folks spirits up when losing.

-Interesting.

LIONEL: And humiliating, though, isn't it?

And I don't know---

-But wait.

Wh--, Why do you have to live in my hotel room?

-Pick up.

Yeah.

Oh, nailed it.

Uh, because there's a ghost haunting

in the company apartment.

-Ha-ha!

Wait, you're afraid of ghosts? That's absurd.

What's there to be afraid of?

They're lazy, genetically inferior.

I mean, yes, they're better athletes and--

-Just help me find Mountford.

We can get out of here, all right?

-(LAUGHING) This is rich.

Big, bad, sexy Brent Wilts is afraid of the little ghost.

Hey, no. Come on, no.

OK.

No more horsing around.

Let's get serious.

OK.

Tell me everything you know about Mr. Mountford.

-I told you, I've never met the guy.

It's always been phone conversations.

-All right.

But when you first arrived in London,

how did he get in contact with you?

-Hi.

Brent Wilts from America. (LAUGHING)

And I'm, uh, checking in. -Whoo!

-What the--?

-Well, I'll tell

go shithouse for is energy drinks.

That's right. Can't get enough of them.

And there's this great new brand out

of North Korea called Thunder Muscle.

That's right, Thunder Muscle.

Check it out.

OK, great. All right.

I'll see you when you get here.

-Mr. Wilts, it seems Mr. Mountford has canceled

the meeting, but he is very much looking forward

to hearing about your upcoming trip to Portland,

and that you have the authority to hire and fire

as you see fit.

He also suggests you enjoy some vindaloo while here in London.

Also, this was left here for you.

-Thank you.

-Can I still stay here? -Oh, yeah.

The room's been paid-for Mr. Wilts.

-Yeah, it's all I really remember.

The front desk chick had great blow job tits.

-So that's it?

Mountford wasn't there, and you got a CD?

You're useless.

-You're useless.

I tell you a great story about some blow job tits

and all you care about are stupid details.

[STADIUM NOISES]

[CROWD CHEERING INTENSIFIES]

-I'm this many.

Are you Johnny Barpot?

-No, but that's him over there.

-Barpot.

Mr. Barpot.

Hi.

I'm Todd Margaret with Thunder Muscle.

I know you guys are thinking about exclusively selling it

here.

And I just wondered if I could talk to you,

or gather up the rest of the team, talk to them.

Uh, I just an answer in about 23 minutes though.

PLAYER: Hey, kid. Get off the pitch.

The game's about to start. Go on, clear off.

-(HIGH-PITCHED) Sorry. PLAYER: Go on.

Get off. TODD: Right.

All right. Sorry.

Sorry.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

-Johnny!

Johnny Barpot!

Me? Come out there.

You, are you having a meeting?

OK.

Team meeting.

Team meeting.

OK, listen.

You guys are going to love this Thunder Muscle.

Oh, well. OK.

Listen, Thunder Muscle is an awesome energy drink.

You got-- Oh, yeah. You, too.

You guys can have some, too.

Yeah. Get in here.

Thunder Muscle.

Awesome new energy drink.

You guys-- Oh dear.

Oh dear God, Oh, oh, uh.

Oh.

(FALSETTO) Ah hoo.

Ah!

Jeez, that's going to pop.

Oh, God.

Ohw. -Ha-ha-ha-ha.

-Ah ha, not so hard.

Ah ha!

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-For sure.

[PULSE MONITOR BEEPS]

-Where am I?

-You're back home.

In the hospital where you told me you grew up.

It wasn't the nearest, but I insisted they drove you here.

Thought you'd want to be surrounded by people you know.

-Oh.

Thanks, Dave.

You're a good friend.

-I am.